All about Moi
For those who don’t know, Goddess, what do you look like?
Goddess: I don’t know why people ask me this all the time. Let me just say that were it not for the hump back, bow legs and buck teeth, I would look like every other gorgeous babe on the planet.
What was your childhood like?
I was born in an old, cold, rundown tenement slum. My father left, he never even married Mama. I shared the guilt my mama knew–wait a minute. That wasn’t me. That was Diana Ross in “Love Child.” I gotta stop listening to the sounds of Motown before bedtime. I was born in the wagon of a travelin’ show. My mama used to dance–no, wait, that wasn’t me either. That was Cher. Damn! What was my life like? Oh yeah, I was born into a middle class white family and they couldn’t get rid of me no matter how hard they tried. And believe me, they tried.
What is your favorite thing to do in bed?
Goddess: Sleep mostly, and eat. I mean, what else is there to do? We used to play Monopoly in bed, but with the soft mattress, the little car thingy kept rolling away. Plus, I’d wake up the next morning with those plastic hotels wedged between my butt cheeks.
What are your favorite literary works?
Goddess: My favorite books of all time are “Green Eggs and Ham,” “Daddy Long Legs,” and “The Cat in the Hat.” But NOT “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back.” That book totally cheeses me off. I mean, WHY would they let him BACK in the house when he created so damn much havoc the first time around?! It makes no sense. I can only assume the kids were high on blow at the time. And I won’t even speculate on what sort of drugs the Cat was doing.
Who is your favorite author?
Goddess: Without a doubt, J.D. Salinger. “The Catcher in the Rye” was the first book that I ever read that made me realize crackpots such as myself, are called “authors.”
Seriously, I loved “Catcher,” and my favorite part is where Holden is talking to the nuns and he says something to the effect that Catholics always want to know if you’re Catholic. (Not only is she a lapsed Catholic, Goddess is also too lazy to look up the exact quote.) I laughed hysterically when I read that because it’s absolutely true.
J.D. makes writing look simple…the BASTARD. When I grow up, I want to write just like him. I mean EXACTLY like him. I believe the technical term for this is “plagiarism.” Of course, I’ll
be all cool about it and no will ever know I’ve “borrowed” someone else’s work. I’ll call my Great American Novel, “The Pussy in the Rye.” It will be about some crazed porno actress going to visit her younger brother and pretty much going amuck.
What excites you?
Goddess: Xenadrine and Jolt.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Goddess: Taller and older, with a driver’s license. It’s strange, but I cannot recall one single instance in which anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was young. I think this is why I now spend my days on the couch in my underwear watching COPS and screaming, “HEY! If SHE can be a prostitute, I can be a prostitute!” to all the ugly prostitutes on the show.
Did you aspire to any certain career?
Goddess: Well, I did have this burning desire to be a black leggy supermodel, but that didn’t work out for three reasons, which I’d rather not get into. So then I decided I wanted to be a medium height, Caucasian housewife who drifts through life doing as little as possible. That seems to be working really well for me. I’m gonna stick with it. It if ain’t broke, why create more work for yourself, that’s what I always say.
Did you have any role models as a child?
Goddess: I had a few female role models that I think have helped to shape me into the fine speciman of woman that I am today. Veronica from “The Archies” had a special impact on me because she knew exactly how to keep that idiot Archie hanging around. I mean think about it, there’s Betty drooling over him like a fool, and he’s killing himself to impress Veronica! It takes a special kind of woman to twist a man into emotional knots like that. I can only assume Betty didn’t swallow. I also admired Catwoman. Julie Newmar, Catwoman. Not that icky Eartha Kitt’s Catwoman. Julie was sexy and smart, and she’s exactly what the guys want: a hot pussy. Oh, and I also admire Mother Theresa.
Rumor has it you have 16 children. Is that true, and how do you balance motherhood and your illustrious, but demanding writing career?
Goddess: It’s true. I do have 16 children, and I love the little piss ants to death! I consider myself to be a hands-on type mom. Kind of like June Cleaver meets Joan Crawford. I try to spend as much time as I can with my children, but honestly, sometimes it’s really difficult to drive to 16 different juvenile detention centers in one day.
Is there a certain type of man you’re attracted to?
Goddess: I’m very picky when it comes to men. They must be ambulatory, have a pulse, and if they need to carry oxygen, I will evaluate them on a case to case basis.
Any final thoughts, Goddess?
Goddess: Yes, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t let life pass me by without achieving my goals, so as of today, I’m going to start reaching for that black leggy supermodel dream, and this time, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!!