Monday, September 03, 2012

let's all go to the lobby

I watched three movies over my vacay time and last weekend, "The Babymakers," "Bachelorette" and "Bernie".


The Babymakers was hilarious. It was about a husband and wife who were trying to have a baby. When they realized the husband's sperm wasn't producing they had themselves tested and the husband's sperm was sluggish at best. The husband remembered sperm he had donated to buy his wife's engagment ring--a cum diamond as his buddies called it--and decided they'd use that sperm for the baby. Well all of his sperm was used except for one vial and it was promised to a gay couple, so the husband and his idiot friends decide to rob the sperm bank. There were five of them but one guy backed out and one of the blatantly stupid friend (cuz let's face it, they were ALL stupid) said, "just as well. that way we won't have to split the take." I think my favorite part was when the one guy saw containers of fresh sperm on a shelf and the one he was looking for was on the top. He reached up and all the containers came crashing down and he was covered in splooge. He started screaming, then he tried to get out of the room, but kept sliding in all the sperm. At one point, he had it all over his face. He managed to get out of the sperm slip 'n slide and he wiped off his face and met his buddies outside. They took one look at him and said, "What the HELL happened to you?" and he said, "I'm gonna need some mouthwash."  Juvenile in parts, but incredibly funny none the less.

Bachelorette was funny/poignant. It was about the reunion of four girls from high school, who were coming together to be bridesmaids. One bachelorette wanted nothing more than to get high and screw people, the other wanted nothing more than to get high and stalk her ex boyfriend, who she'd been pregnant to in high school and the other overachiever was the Maid of Honor who was pissed because she had to do everything, the bride was fat and because she felt it was ridiculous the fat chick was getting married before her.

Bernie was NOT the funny movie I thought it was going to be from the trailer. It was actually the true story of murderer Bernhardt Tiede, an assistant funeral director who befriended an elderly widow Marjorie Nugent, then proceeded to murder her and hide her body in the freezer underneath pot pies and frozen corn for months. Apparently he was an incredibly social guy who the town loved. The movie was shot documentary style, apparently in a Texas town, and the interviews with the 'townspeople' were funny. When the woman was found dead, they interviewed one lady and she said, "Honey, there were people in town who would have killed her for fi' dollahs." Another woman was talking about how snobby the murder victim was and she said, "Her nose was so high up, she would have drown in a rainstorm." Interesting thing is that some of these 'townspeople' were actual townspeople who knew both Tiede and the victim. Once Tiede killed the woman, he began spending her money for the benefit of others. He donated money to the church, bought people brand new vehicles and helped supplement fledgling businesses in town. Two things about this true story amazed me: one, that a woman could be dead and on ice for MONTHS, and no one really cared that they didn't see her; and two, how willing people were to go easy on him because 'she was a bitch' and he lavished so much money on them. Tiede was so well liked that the District Attorney asked the trial be moved to another county because people kept coming up to him and saying that if they were on the jury, Tiede would walk. Honestly my best description of this 1 hour and 39 minute movie is "INCREDIBLY LONG". BTW, he got life.


BRUNO said...

Man, these CAN'T-be much above a C-rating. Any "big-names" in there, that one should scoff-at?☺

"You need to go camping more often...!" LOL!

*Goddess* said...

Jack Black played Bernie and I only recognized the dude from Parks and Rec in Bachelorette.