Sunday, June 24, 2012

i'm born again out of the lion's den

I talked to my dad in a "dream" last night, and I put "" around the word dream because if you've ever had a visitation from a deceased person you know they're not the same as seeing them in a dream. It's very real, everything else going on fades to the background and it's just you and them.

He walked into my room and to say I was shocked was an understatement. He's been dead almost three years now and we've never had the best relationship. I always wanted to be Daddy's girl and he wanted another son. He was one of those closed off men who rarely showed emotion.

I've been visited by several of my loved ones---my grandmother several times, my aunt, my sister many, many times and my uncle. My husband has also experienced visits from his father and his aunt so he knew what I was going through.

I knew my dad wasn't coming to me because I was so angry with him and as often as I tried to work through my anger, I would think I forgave him and myself, but when I started to talk about him, I'd hear the bitterness and know nothing had changed. I wanted to let my anger and my dad go, but we were both stuck.

The other night I began doing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) again and anyone who pooh poohs it without even giving it a chance has lost out on a chance to rid themselves of a lot of emotional garbage. I was working on being bullied as a very young child and my parents not protecting me and feeling vulnerable and frightened in life. I had a breakthrough that just left me exhausted. I cried and cried, and I felt very sad. That feeling of sadness and loss stayed with me for a couple days.

I fell asleep that night and met with Dad.

I looked at him and for a split second, I saw him as I knew him when he passed and as he is now--thinner, younger--and I said, "What are YOU doing here?"

He said, "You know EXACTLY why I'm here."

I asked him something but I don't have any recollection as to what it was, but I sensed that it was something incredibly inane to ask of a dead person.

He said, "Is that REALLY what you want to ask me?"

I said, "I don't think you EVER LOVED ME."

He said, "There were times you kids got on my nerves, times I wanted to smack you kids, but I have ALWAYS loved you."

And he was gone. 

And so is my bitterness.

Goodbye, Dad.



2 comments:

BRUNO said...

Nahh. He'll be back again. And your visits will only get more memorable, now that you've finally gotten rid of at least one-set of hurdles.

No, don't just "shush" me off. My life with parents wasn't always that proverbial "bowl of cherries" either.

And, like yourself, one learns to forgive by forgetting---or in this case, facing---that past.

You should be proud, to have crossed that mountain, now that you've climbed such.

You may slip a little from time to time, still---but you'll NEVER hit the bottom, again....

*Goddess* said...

I would never 'shush' you off!

But I'll be very surprised cuz my dad is pretty damn stubborn...lol