Saturday, June 30, 2012

just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

 Can you tell what I've been doing all morning in between loads of laundry? Yep, watching Jim Gaffigan's Mr. Universe special on Netflix.

 I don't care if he is pasty white! I loves me some Jim Gaffigan!

Jim Gaffigan on vitamins: "When I was a kid I used to take Flinstones vitamins cuz I watched the tv show The Flintstones. I'd probably take them now if they had....I don't know Law and Order vitamins. Oh I got one of those hot assistant DA's! Here's a Sam Waterson's always bitter but filled with righteous indignation. Dun dun."

there's no 'p' in our ool....

Jim Gaffiganb: "You can always tell the hotels that have an indoor pool cuz their lobby will smell like a bucket of bleach.

Uh do you guys have an indoor pool or did someone just clean up a murder scene? Cuz my eyes are bleeding and...."

oh baby!

Jim Gaffigan on having four kids: "You know what it's like have a fourth? Just imagine you're drowning....and then somebody hands you a baby. We had all our kids at home. People never want to hear about you having your kids at home. 'You had your kids at home? We were gonna do that, but we wanted our kids to live'.

Giving birth at home is crazy. It was all my wife's idea. I don't even like cooking at home."

Sunday, June 24, 2012

sure it might look stupid BUT

 I am DYING to see this movie....the premise is hilaious.

i'm born again out of the lion's den

I talked to my dad in a "dream" last night, and I put "" around the word dream because if you've ever had a visitation from a deceased person you know they're not the same as seeing them in a dream. It's very real, everything else going on fades to the background and it's just you and them.

He walked into my room and to say I was shocked was an understatement. He's been dead almost three years now and we've never had the best relationship. I always wanted to be Daddy's girl and he wanted another son. He was one of those closed off men who rarely showed emotion.

I've been visited by several of my loved ones---my grandmother several times, my aunt, my sister many, many times and my uncle. My husband has also experienced visits from his father and his aunt so he knew what I was going through.

I knew my dad wasn't coming to me because I was so angry with him and as often as I tried to work through my anger, I would think I forgave him and myself, but when I started to talk about him, I'd hear the bitterness and know nothing had changed. I wanted to let my anger and my dad go, but we were both stuck.

The other night I began doing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) again and anyone who pooh poohs it without even giving it a chance has lost out on a chance to rid themselves of a lot of emotional garbage. I was working on being bullied as a very young child and my parents not protecting me and feeling vulnerable and frightened in life. I had a breakthrough that just left me exhausted. I cried and cried, and I felt very sad. That feeling of sadness and loss stayed with me for a couple days.

I fell asleep that night and met with Dad.

I looked at him and for a split second, I saw him as I knew him when he passed and as he is now--thinner, younger--and I said, "What are YOU doing here?"

He said, "You know EXACTLY why I'm here."

I asked him something but I don't have any recollection as to what it was, but I sensed that it was something incredibly inane to ask of a dead person.

He said, "Is that REALLY what you want to ask me?"

I said, "I don't think you EVER LOVED ME."

He said, "There were times you kids got on my nerves, times I wanted to smack you kids, but I have ALWAYS loved you."

And he was gone. 

And so is my bitterness.

Goodbye, Dad.

Friday, June 22, 2012

ok ladies let's work on that corkscrew motion!

Here's a Cosmo article on inane sex 'tricks' you hope you'll never be desperate enough to want to try....

This is one of my GRIPES:
I HATE it when they talk about taking food into the bedroom because the author is right--it's a sticky mess. And I won't even talk about how disgusting it is to get body hair in honey or chocolate or anything else edible!

“Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
There's a variation on this mainstay of the Cosmo canon in almost every issue. Successfully incorporating food into sex — based on my life experiences and casual surveys — is not a real thing. It’s sticky, wrecks the sheets, and, if done frequently, will give you Type II diabetes. Here, it’s made more grotesque than usual by context: on the previous page, they advocate turning off the AC because a made-up-sounding chemical in your sweat boosts arousal.

sometimes facebook does rock...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

she's a brainyack brainyack on the floor

I can see pictures of people who have been murdered with their throat sliced, or in accidents with their vital organs open for all to see and yet this picture of the brain that I saw in a news story two days ago has been bugging the HELL OUT OF ME!

And I don't know WHY it upsets me so much! I don't know if it's because the brain is flat or because it looks like some grotesque mask, but it's really bothering me.  BRRRRRRRR!

Saturday, June 09, 2012

you were building my coffin you were driving my hearse

I was reading an article this morning that said the sales for Madonna's new cd MDNA have taken a nosedive.

After listening to samples of the songs on Amazon, I understand why.

Madonna has never matured as an artist. She doesn't take any chances...outside of pissing off the Catholic Church. And even that's been done to death.  She's still singing those popish songs on which she started her career.

Take the lyrics to "I'm A Sinner" for instance: "I'm a sinner, I'm a sinner
I'm a sinner, I like it that way." Wow, that's really deep for a 53 year old woman who has been in the music biz since the 1980's. Then she goes on to invoke Jesus and some of the Saints; at one point she's reciting the Hail Mary.... annnnnnd the world yawned. She's like a hack soap opera writer who keeps going back to the one story line that worked. (Sound familiar, Maria Arena Bell?!)

The only song that was a tad catchy was "Gang Bang" which is about her shooting her lover in the head. A lover, who "ended up with all of my jack". One can only ASSume it was Guy Ritchie. She casually mentions that she wants to that she wants to see him die 'over and over and over and over and over and over...' One might think there was a bit of animosity there.

Then we get to the chorus "Bang Bang, shot you dead, shot my lover in the head." At times the lyrics of this cd sound like fifth graders wrote them. In "I'm A Sinner": "All the boys, all the boys and girls Wanna be like us tonight".

Friday, June 08, 2012

have you seen that girl in the corner...

Bob Welch, formerly of Fleetwood Mac, was found dead of an apparent suicide on Thursday in Nashville.


Thursday, June 07, 2012

love bites

For the life of me, I don't get what other women see in werewolf and vampire romances.

Last week I accidentally picked one up from the library. In my defense, the damn thing had a COWBOY on the cover. AND it was from Harlequin!

Granted the little "love at first bite" stamped on the front MIGHT have been a clue had I not been staring at the cowboy's muscular shoulders, broad chest and washboard abs.

All that registered in my blonde brain when I looked at this cover was "Blaze" "Cowboy" and SEX!!!! Okay the word 'sex' wasn't actually there, but it was implied.

Besides, how was I to know there was such a thing as 150 year old cowboy?! Geez I know some of them LOOK 150 from being in the hott sun riding the range all day, but damn.

I didn't make it very far into the book when the cowpire (cowboy + vampire=cowpire) mentioned that he had "plenty of bagged blood stashed back in his suitcase at the motel." Call me weird but that kinda GROSSED ME OUT. 

The author almost totally lost me when Colton went back to the motel and pulled "out a bag of AB-" and heated it in the microwave. Then he "dumped the warm liquid into a glass and touched the rim to his lips. The sweet heat rolled down his throat, but it wasn't enough to fill up the emptiness in the pit of his stomach." It never is, ya know? That's the drawback of drinking blood instead of filling up on chocolate cake. Now THAT fills the emptiness. Been there, filled up on that.

BUT I'm not going to toss this book aside just yet. I'm paging through to the part where he tells her he's a vampire cuz I'm just wondering how that sort of thing comes up in conversation.

"Sooooo are you a blood donor? Cuz I could sure use a few pints what with me being a VAMPIRE and all...."


 "You know when couples say they'll love each other FOREVER? Well, I REALLY mean it."

However he tells her I'm sure she'll be just fine with it because like any woman, she'll convince herself she can love him right out of his blood sucking ways.

And they'll all live happily EVER after.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

i'm goin' to the casino!

We have a WHITE RACCOON in our yard!

According to American Indian lore, "He who have white racoon in trailer court, win big at Indian casino. Open 24 hours a day on Highway 99. Bring much wampum."

Fine. I might have made that one up. Whatevah.

Although they're incredibly lucky (or horribly cursed--depending on which internet site sucks you in), I haven't been able to get a snap shot of Whitey. I was talking to him last night, but he wasn't in a pichure posin mood.

Plus, he was incredibly confused by our are most critters I have discussions with. He didn't know whether to run into the woods or go back to the tree for more bird food. He kept 'dancing' back and forth between the two. Then I started talking about Gweneth Paltrow and the whole ni**as controversy and he tried to commit suicide by running out in front of a car.

The cool thing is he has no 'mask' like the usual raccoons you see, making him look kind of like a small dog or a white fox. Don't's just a matter of time until I outwit him. Or find a subject that lulls him to sleep long enough for me to take his pic.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

series romance writers, please note

I'm reading a romance novel that is apparently part of a series by Vicki Lewis Thompson.

I know this because by page 28, I have heard about Eleanor, Jonathan, Jack, Diana, Wyatt, Olivia, Rafe, Sarah, Nick, Gabe, Olivia's father, Pam, Emily, Emmett, Clay, Josie, Sarah Bianca, Dominique, Morgan, Archie, and Mary Lou. Oh and let's not forget Rodney, the dog!

So to sum up, that's 21 people and 1 dog in 28 pages. Also known as FRICKING OVERKILL.

For those authors who write serial romances, please remember that readers don't need to know the back story on Every. Single. Person. involved in the previous books.

And I certainly don't want to feel that the story I haven't read is much more interesting than the story I am reading.

By the time Thompson overwhelmed me with all these characters, I didn't even care about the romance. I just wanted somebody to put me out of my misery.

Please, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, limit your series to two books. No more series with four and five brothers, and a sister tossed in for good measure. And just when we THINK it's finally going to end, it picks up more steam when illegitimate siblings are suddenly discovered.

If I want to be distracted by constant recapping, I'll watch a soap opera.

Friday, June 01, 2012