Sunday, December 30, 2012

so far away doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

Over the Christmas holidays, Female Offspring #1 called me to tell me she had been offered a job in New York City. I knew she had interviewed earlier in the month and I know my daughter is a very sharp, intelligent woman, but there was a part of me that was hoping that she wouldn't get offered the job. That sounds horrible to say and I feel guilty saying it, but it's how I feel. And while I was saying, "Wow, this is such a great opportunity for you," in my head I was thinking, "please don't take it."

She's living in Pittsburgh now and even that seems a long way away at times, but I know that if something happened and I needed her to come home that she could be here in the same day, so in that sense, she doesn't seem so far away.

She told the people that she's thinking about it, but I think her mind is made up and it's just breaking my heart because I know I'll only see her once or twice a year. Mr. G is NOT a traveler and quite frankly I'm not keen on it either, but I was willing to do the drives back and forth to Pittsburgh all the time, whereas he just kept saying he 'didn't feel comfortable' driving in the city. Add to the fact that we don't have the financial wherewithal to do a lot of traveling, so I know there's no way we'd be flying out to see her if she moved to New York.

She just bought a home in Pittsburgh a few months ago, and I was really hoping she'd be able to enjoy her home and her yard and her garden. But I know she's been unhappy at her job and quite frankly, there's hardly anything worse than hating your job, hating to get up every morning and know what's staring you in the face.

I can still remember the day she left for college in Pittsburgh. We were at the train station and I was thinking how great I was handling it all. Then the train pulled in and I said, "Well, it's time to say goodbye," and the next thing I knew I was bawling like a baby.

And as I'm writing this, I'm bawling again. My throat hurts and my heart aches to think of her so far way. But I can't project my fears and limiting beliefs on to her. It IS a great opportunity and I want her to be happy in her work. She deserves it, too. She's worked hard for her Master's Degree and she financed her own college education.

I just wish she didn't have to be so far away. And to that end, I can only pray for the outcome to be the best for all involved.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

We are a part of the Kindle Nation

Are you one of the lucky folks who got a Kindle from Santa this year?

I bought my Kindle a few months ago, and honestly, I NEVER thought I'd love it and use it as much as I do. Of course, it helps that I bought the Kindle Fire HD, which does just about everything a laptop can do. I can Skype, listen to music, watch videos and do all sorts of fun app stuff.

The best part about the Kindle is there are TONS of free books available every day. There's even a daily free app list with over a thousand free apps! After only a few months, I have over one thousand ebooks on all different subjects on my Kindle.

What more could a gal want? Besides some rich, sexy, muscle bound insatiable thirtysomething guy who owns a chocolate factory to reboot my hard drive a few times a day? Not much. (Channing, what he don't know won't hurt me!)

IF you are an author who is so generous as to offer your Kindle book for free (or those selling their ebooks on Amazon), may I make a teeny suggestion about your book description? Please don't tell me it's the funniest thing I'll ever read. Please don't tell me it will bring me to tears or have me rolling on the floor in laughter. Please don't tell me it's a book I'll never forget or that it's a must have.

Let me decide these things for myself.

Because I can guarantee you that if you tell me it's the funniest thing I've ever read, I will set out to prove you WRONG, and that's not the mindset you should be going for. Just give me a short synopsis and fight that urge to tell me how that's gonna make me feel!:)

Anyway, here are a few great sites for free ebooks to get you started. You'll want to sign up for their daily emails because some sites update several times during the day. The sites allow you to pick several of your favorite genres so you don't have to slough through a bunch of books that don't interest you. Make sure the cost is FREE before you 'purchase' it at Amazon!!!  (this is the site that also has the email for daily free apps) (i like this email cuz the writer is pretty funny and puts in some interesting tidbits to enjoy)

ahhhhh the joys of parenting....

Now that another Christmas has come to pass, I find myself pondering the mysteries of life. More specifically, how long into the holiday season did one of my beloved offspring change the letters on my BIG PICTURE WINDOW THAT FACES THE STREET from "Let It Snow!" to "Le Tits Now!" ??!!

Monday, December 24, 2012

After Porn Ends

Today I was in a very Christmassy mood, and I wanted to see something that would put me in a festive, holiday mood!

So naturally, I rented "After Porn Ends".

After watching, I had a few thoughts.

Of course, the women were more stigmatized by their porn careers than the men. Not one guy mentioned the word 'shame'. 

Some of the statements made by the women left me conflicted. For instance, I thought it was sad when Houston said her teenaged daughter refused to allow her to any school functions for fear that she might be recognized. Smart move there, kid. Houson might as well have "FORMER PORN STAR" tattooed across her forehead with her huge lips and boobs. On the other hand, I would think it's hard to have respect for a woman who had plastic surgery on her labia then ebayed the skin....makes me shudder just thinking about it. And what's not to be thrilled about when you realize your mom participated in the world's largest gang bang?! 620 men....and your mom. Imagine that Christmas letter!

I have more admiration for the women who said they did it for the sex and the money (like Seka) than the women like Tiffany Million who raved on about how she did it for her kid. So her kid could go to good schools, so her kid could have a nice life, you know, things that aren't available to children whose mothers are school teachers or lawyers or nurses. Tell it like it is. Those things ARE available to women who work 9-5 jobs, it's JUST HARDER WORK FOR LESS PAY.

I noticed a big difference between the women who were in it for the fame--they didn't fare nearly as well as the women who treated it like a business, like Seka. She said if the directors refused to give her the money she wanted, she walked. The chicks who give in seem to be the ones who end up wallowing in booze and drugs, no doubt angry for having second guessed themselves and for having sold themselves so cheaply.

I think the woman I had the least amount of respect for was Asia Carerra. She went on and on about how she made this massive amount of money for photo shoots and autograph sessions, and then when her husband died, she went online and asked her fans to donate money to her. She said they responded "in a big way". Wrong, wrong, MEGA WRONG on so many different levels. GET. A. JOB. Fans aren't there to be used.

Let's not even talk about Shelley Lubben, who talked like she was STILL way out in left field.

The documentary also touched on something that has always pissed me off: the women the guys are jacking off to are the very ones the guys think are disgusting for giving them something to jack off to.  I often think many women keep the depth of their sexual needs hidden because of two-faced thinking like this. It's on par with the old "she's fuck material, but not marriage material" mentality.

Richard Pacheco sounded like he was stuck in the old "woulda, coulda, shoulda" days, lamenting the fact that he had to give up all that sex because his wife was afraid of the AIDS outbreak. I found it interesting that in all his comments he never even mentioned BEING married until he spoke about why he left the industry.

Randy West seems to be spending his days on the golf circuit, and he did lament not having had the opportunity to have kids.

John Leslie seemed to be the most content with his life at the time the documentary was shot. He stated that he had his home and his wife and what more could he want. The movie ended with a shot of John standing in his yard with a  big smile on his face. Below him, a tagline stating that he had passed away at his home of a heart attack in 2010.

I think After Porn Ends is a documentary that should be required viewing for any woman who wants to do porn. Then again, when we're young, we all think things will be sooooo different for us.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

windows 8 is a WINNER!!!

The boss bought a new computer for the office and it had a factory installed version of Windows 8--basically that means you don't get a recovery CD. We probably have to make our own, but quite frankly we haven't gotten that far.

I set the woman using it up as Administrator and she typed in her own email/password blah blah. Then she realized she would have to log in with her password all the time and since she isn't that knowledgeable on the computer yet, I set up a Guest user so she could just go in under Guest and not have to worry about passwords.

I tried to install a video program today and naturally it brought up the Admin password. I don't know if you know this but Win 8 REQUIRES an Administrator account. For some freakish reason, it would NOT accept her password. We tried 9 million versions of it to no avail.

I called Staples and they directed me to Microsoft. Microsoft said they'd be glad to help me for $99. For a FREAKING ONE WEEK OLD COMPUTER! Naturally I said no. They then referred me to the manufacturer, Toshiba, who said my only recourse was to UNINSTALL WINDOWS AND REINSTALL.

Thankfully we had only been running web based programs at that point, but may I just say.....WIN 8 IS A PIECE OF SHIT. I *might have been able* to get rid of the password had I gone in under the installation CD but since it was pre-installed ...yeah, NO CD! I can't believe I had to go through all of that because of a lousy password. Yet, I'm sure a hacker could break into it in a heart beat.....

Sunday, December 16, 2012

i wish

the media would stop telling us about who the assh*le was that killed these children in Newton. We don't CARE who he was.

If you're going to tell us anything, tell us about the children and the teachers, the HEROES.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

there is nothing more sacred

OINK if you love cake......
than a damn piece of BIRTHDAY CAKE!!

I understand this woman's motivations 100%!

Why if it weren't for the fact that the offspring are all afraid of me...and weak as kittens from all that tv, cigarettes and junk food...I'd have to fight them for cake!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I'm gonna save a looooot of people a looooot of hassle right now

The Christmas movie in which the woman crawls through her dryer is Holiday Switch. Every year, I have people going to my Christmas movie page with the same Google search string, "movie in which a woman crawls through her dryer"...and there ya have it.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hola, Turkeys!

I started my day with a nice long walk. It's sunshiney but a little on the cool side here today. I think it's only supposed to be in the 50's. I was glad I did my walking BEFORE lunch because I knew there was no way I'd be walking AFTER lunch:)

I made some of the Offspring to walk with me. Forced exercise is always a good thing, but I think I must have lost a few of them along the way. I started out walking with eight of them and one quickly dropped by the wayside--a victim of donuts, Coke and tobacky. Those little wusses have no lung capacity whatsoever. Why when I was their age, I was smoking three packs a day and walking to school uphill both ways, all the while puffing away on two Marlboros at a time. (And when I say 'school', I mean the liquor store.) That's multi-tasking, people.

But I'm guessing Male Offspring #6 wasn't the only one I lost since I only came back with four kids. Geez, I need to walk more often. Like they say, ya win some, ya lose some....

I will spare you the "I'm so grateful for" column this year. Just ASSume that I'm grateful for everything except disease, heartbreak and skinny jeans for men.

Monday, November 19, 2012

malibu country

I loved Reba's old show with Barbara Jean and crazy old Van. I was really happy to see that Reba has a new show called Malibu Country.

In the opening show, we learn that Reba was a country singer/song writer, who gave up her career for family and her big time country singer husband started cheating on her. She dumped him when his affair became public and moved to Malibu to restart her song writing career.

She moves her son and daughter and her mother, played by Lily Tomlin to Malibu. They move next door to Sarah Rue, who was obviously about five or six months pregnant in the second show, but perfectly thin in the first. Soooo I'm guessing there was a bit of a time lapse there between eps. Funny thing is her boobs have about tripled in size and yet she keeps holding things in front of her stomach. I'm thinking she needs to move those purses and hats up a few inches if she wants to hide the fact that she's pregnant...a fact there's no hiding, thank you very much.

After three episodes I am just not warming up to this show. Maybe I miss Van and Cheyenne and Barbara Jean too much, and maybe I'm comparing too much, but there's nothing about this show that grabs me and pulls me in.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

This weekend I watched...


OMG. It was so good, but I'm thinking maybe it's more of a chick flick?

It stars the voices of Emma Thompson, Billy Connolly, Kelly MacDonald, and Craig Ferguson, and it WILL have you attempting to talk with a Scottish accent for the rest of the day.

It's the story of four Scottish clans who have forged an alliance, unlike the clans of the past.  At the beginning of the film,  King Fergus lost his leg to Mor'du, a bear who was actually a Prince who had asked a witch to give him the strength of three men so he could rule all, thus pitting the clans against each other. According to tradition, Merida, the daughter of King Fergus of Clan DunBroch is supposed to wed one of the first born sons of the leaders of the other three clans.

But Merida is not like her mother, Queen Elinor, who has tried to constantly school her child in all things royal. Upset that her mother would not give validity to Merida's feelings on the bethroyal, Merida defiantly sets off on horseback and follows the will o'the wisps into the forest to a witch's cottage. She asks the witch for a spell to 'change her mother' so that her mother will let her marry the man she chooses when she's ready to choose. I shan't give away anything else because you have to see it for yourself.

BTW, the triplets, Merida's small brothers, were a real hoot.

I watched the movie twice and the ending three times, and despite my best intentions, cried every damn time I saw it, even though I knew what was coming!  Great movie from Pixar and Merida's last lines in the film said it best, "There are those who say fate is something beyond our command, that destiny is not our own. But I know better. Our fate lives within us; you only have to be brave enough to see it."

Sunday, November 11, 2012

dear santa

This year I have been a very good girl. Sadly. I would like to be rewarded for my goodness. Please bring me a DVD of Magic Mike and a movie poster from Magic Mike. And it sure as shit wouldn't hurt if you brought me Magic Mike. Now if you'll excuse me. I need an umbrella cuz It's Raining Men....lordy this man must have made a friggin' mint stripping!

Veteran's Day

Thanking all of the men and women who have served this country...

Sunday, November 04, 2012

what the WHAT now?!

Yesterday I posted these perfectly respectable pictures of Channing Tatum as our home computer wallpaper. (I may or may not have made a collage of half nekkid CT pics....)

I will pause while the ladies get tissues to wipe up their drool.....

This morning I was laying in bed and I hear Mr. G yelling, "Get these pictures of this GAY GUY off the computer! I'm not looking at him every time I log on!"

I couldn't help but laugh. Ok, I yelled but THEN I laughed because it occurred to me that when women feel defensive about other women we say, "Their boobs are fake!" and when men feel defensive about other men, they say, "They're gay!"

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

and now, a parenting tip from Goddess

I've read lots of articles that talk about how not spending time with your children is a baaaaad thing and it leaves them with deep psychological scars from which they might never recover.

But no expert ever talks about the REAL problem: spending TOO MUCH time with your offspring!! Especially when no one can leave the premises. How parents in the wilds of Alaska do it is beyond me. I'd be going through a LOT of home brew! And moose tranquilizers

Seriously though, we are eternally grateful that our little corner of the world was spared from the ravages of Sandy over the last few days. We are tremendously blessed...and we know it! Our hearts go out to all of those people who are dealing with it. We've gone through a flood situation before and it's devastating and depressing.

In the words of the infamous Billy Joel, "Don't forget your second wind Wait in your corner until that breeze blows in..."

Monday, October 29, 2012

storm o'the century update

See? A little rain doesn't bother Umbrella Girl!
Conditions here at Casa de Goddess in Pennsylvania have deteriorated so badly and so quickly that I had to break into my emergency chocolate stash. Half of it is gone already.

What will I do? Where will I go? How will I survive?!

The howling winds....the driving rains...the whole having to deal with my kids in close quarters for long periods of time BULLSHIT.

 The worst part of all of this? If our food supply is cut off, and we're left to starve, I can't even kill a family member and eat 'em...cuz none of them are made of chocolate.

 *Paging the Donner Party of none*

The thing about this storm that REALLY peeves me??? I was counting on the Offsprings' trick or treat haul to replenish my chocolate supply.

 DAMN YOU TOWNSHIP FOR CANCELLING IT TOMORROW!! AND to add insult to injury, THEY CANCELLED SCHOOL!! So the kids get a little wet. My mother used to slap on our rubbers, yank on our raincoats and shove us out the door...usually locking it behind her. And I turned out just fine.

Oh, did I forget to mention that so far not much has happened her and it's raining a little?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Can you say, "blase", kids?

CLEARLY the people in my hood are not taking this storm seriously. I admit, I *rarely* take anything the weather man says seriously, but after that last winter storm in which we didn't have electricity for six freaking days, I'm taking this a tad more seriously than usual.

Of course that didn't stop me from waiting until today to get water and ice (to pack the freezer), but while I was at the store I noticed that most people were stocking up on stuff like chips, pretzels, candy and soda. Definitely MY kind of people, but I don't think all those salty snacks are gonna sustain them too long, especially when they don't seem to be buying water...

I wanted to be sure I bought the SPRING water and not the DISTILLED water. So I looked at the label several times and saw the words "SPRING WATER". Naturally when I got it to the car I looked closer realized it was distilled, but I took it anyway, thinking I can just add some Himalayan crystal sea salt to it to replace the minerals. Of course the RED cap should have been the big clue. Sigh. Then I hiked back into the store and got some Deer Park water. My favorite! And yaya I know some hillbilly gets it right out of his hose and puts it in bottles to sell to unsuspecting rubes like me, but damn it, I like the taste of his hose water better than mine!

I made sure to charge up all my electric items: phone, laptop and Kindle. Now I know what you're thinking: "Goddess, you bought a Kindle Fire HD?! COOL!" I know I can't connect to the internet because I have Verizon and we all know the first wind of ANY storm knocks out Verizon internet, but alas, I have loaded up my kindle with GAMES and the laptop I can use for writing, if need be.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

batten down the hatches, kids!

Mr. G and I just finished with our intense storm preparations.....

Me: "Do you know where your flashlight is?"

Him: "Yeah, I just dug it out from under the bed."

Me: "Does your flashlight have batteries that work?"

Him:  "Yep. Yours?"

Me: "Yep. I have batteries and baked goods."

We are good to go, people.....

well it's official....

the local weather dudes are trotting out that lovely cliched line:  'this is the calm.......*dramatic pause*........before the storm'...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I was reading an article..

about how some people believe the world will end December 21st because that is when the Mayan calendar ends.

How do we know that:

a. the dude in charge of finishing the calenders wasn't some sort of procrastinating, low self-esteem slacker who never finished anything he started?

b. that the Mayans weren't wiped out before they could finish the calendar?

c. the Mayans simply lost interest in calendars when they had the internet service installed?

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Get With The Program, Hong Kongians!

Crappy ear buds discussed may not be crappy earbuds shown
I rue the damn day we shipped all of our manufacturing plants overseas. Especially on a day like today when I was trying to mow my grass for what could conceivably be THE LAST TIME. This year.

There I was minding my own business listening to my Sansa portable media player--which, IMHO is THEE mp3 player for idiots. You got your 'forward' and your 'backward' and not much room to f up in between!--when my new earbud popped right out of my left ear. I put it back in and took a few more steps and the damn thing popped out again. About 15 pops later I yanked the earbuds out of my ears and went inside for my 'old' pair that was NOT made in Hong Kong.

I was perusing the internet lo some five weeks ago, when an ad popped up on my screen notifying me that a certain site had retractable earbuds on sale, and I thought, "OMG, Goddess, what an amazing coincidence! You NEED retractable earbuds cuz you're way too lazy to wind them up yourself!" so I immediately ordered FIVE FREAKING PAIRS. It's almost like the internet knows exactly what I'm searching for!

Now I know what you're thinking, "Goddess, why were YOU cutting the grass?! What happened to Manuel, your lawn boy?!"

Some of the offspring wave 'adios' to Manuel
A little thing called the I.N.S., people.  How was *I* supposed to know it was illegal to employ illegal aliens?!

To make a long story short, I have five pairs of earbuds that prove Hong Kongians don't know JACK about earbuds, and they ALL have defective left ears.

No, I shouldn't say that. It's wrong to make a blanket assumption like that. Let's just say all Hong Kongians in earbud manufacturing have defective left ears.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

last night i had the strangest dream

no, not that little row boat to China dream....

I dreamt that I was fooling around with Stephen Colbert--and it was strangely vivid--but the comical thing is that the whole time we were fooling around he was wearing his suit and glasses.

I'm guessing that comes from me saying I love a man in a suit....I just don't want him in it 24/7;)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

i've lost yet another piece of my childhood...

Today I read  Andy Williams died. When I was a child, we would watch the Andy Williams Christmas special EVERY YEAR. It was a huge deal for us.

Hell, I wanted to BE Claudine Longet. After all, she spoke with a French accent! It doesn't get much more mysterious and sexy than that.

Oui oui! Rest in peace, Andy.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

im trying to figure out the angle

chevy is using to sell the volt.

could it be 'stupidity'?! no wait that doesn't seem quite right.

hmm, could it POSSIBLY have something to do with gas mileage since EVERY FREAKING PERSON in the ad talks about how rarely they have to fill up?

one person goes to the gas station every month, another every two months! i expected the next jackass to say he only goes once a year.

one idiot--blonde female of course--says its soooo long in between fill ups that she forgets HOW to fill up her tank! tee hee tee hee. UGH.

 chevy: we see dumb people

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

can you tell me what's ailin' me?

you have to LOVE the mentality of doctors in this country. when it comes to the aresenic in rice and apple juice, instead of saying, "DON'T drink or eat these items, they're unhealthy," they tell us to LIMIT our consumption.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

this weekend i watched....

Very good movie. I enjoyed it and I don't think people realize that some of Seuss's books have an underlying message to them. This movie reminded us that we have to care for the environment before it's ruined through greed. One of my favorite Seuss books, Green Eggs and Ham, taught us that we should not be afraid to eat in a box and with a fox. Thee End.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Sunday, September 09, 2012

that was one hell of a long engagement

I watched The Five Year Engagement this weekend and may I just say it was long. Really, really, (two hours and four minutes) LONG.

Don't get me wrong. There WERE a few funny parts...sprinkled here and there throughout the really, really LONG movie.

The End.

Monday, September 03, 2012

let's all go to the lobby

I watched three movies over my vacay time and last weekend, "The Babymakers," "Bachelorette" and "Bernie".


The Babymakers was hilarious. It was about a husband and wife who were trying to have a baby. When they realized the husband's sperm wasn't producing they had themselves tested and the husband's sperm was sluggish at best. The husband remembered sperm he had donated to buy his wife's engagment ring--a cum diamond as his buddies called it--and decided they'd use that sperm for the baby. Well all of his sperm was used except for one vial and it was promised to a gay couple, so the husband and his idiot friends decide to rob the sperm bank. There were five of them but one guy backed out and one of the blatantly stupid friend (cuz let's face it, they were ALL stupid) said, "just as well. that way we won't have to split the take." I think my favorite part was when the one guy saw containers of fresh sperm on a shelf and the one he was looking for was on the top. He reached up and all the containers came crashing down and he was covered in splooge. He started screaming, then he tried to get out of the room, but kept sliding in all the sperm. At one point, he had it all over his face. He managed to get out of the sperm slip 'n slide and he wiped off his face and met his buddies outside. They took one look at him and said, "What the HELL happened to you?" and he said, "I'm gonna need some mouthwash."  Juvenile in parts, but incredibly funny none the less.

Bachelorette was funny/poignant. It was about the reunion of four girls from high school, who were coming together to be bridesmaids. One bachelorette wanted nothing more than to get high and screw people, the other wanted nothing more than to get high and stalk her ex boyfriend, who she'd been pregnant to in high school and the other overachiever was the Maid of Honor who was pissed because she had to do everything, the bride was fat and because she felt it was ridiculous the fat chick was getting married before her.

Bernie was NOT the funny movie I thought it was going to be from the trailer. It was actually the true story of murderer Bernhardt Tiede, an assistant funeral director who befriended an elderly widow Marjorie Nugent, then proceeded to murder her and hide her body in the freezer underneath pot pies and frozen corn for months. Apparently he was an incredibly social guy who the town loved. The movie was shot documentary style, apparently in a Texas town, and the interviews with the 'townspeople' were funny. When the woman was found dead, they interviewed one lady and she said, "Honey, there were people in town who would have killed her for fi' dollahs." Another woman was talking about how snobby the murder victim was and she said, "Her nose was so high up, she would have drown in a rainstorm." Interesting thing is that some of these 'townspeople' were actual townspeople who knew both Tiede and the victim. Once Tiede killed the woman, he began spending her money for the benefit of others. He donated money to the church, bought people brand new vehicles and helped supplement fledgling businesses in town. Two things about this true story amazed me: one, that a woman could be dead and on ice for MONTHS, and no one really cared that they didn't see her; and two, how willing people were to go easy on him because 'she was a bitch' and he lavished so much money on them. Tiede was so well liked that the District Attorney asked the trial be moved to another county because people kept coming up to him and saying that if they were on the jury, Tiede would walk. Honestly my best description of this 1 hour and 39 minute movie is "INCREDIBLY LONG". BTW, he got life.

Friday, August 31, 2012

curses! foiled again!!!

I saw a sign on a shop door that read, "Win a FREE RIDE in a police car!" and I was like, "OMG! I wonder where I register for that?! It sounds so cool!"

Then my eyes dropped down to the next line that read, "Shoplift in this store and that's exactly what you'll get..."


Saturday, August 25, 2012

hate to say it but the boy makes a good point...

From The Babymakers...
On finding out that everyone seemed to know he was having trouble getting his wife pregnant, Tommy asked his wife Audrey if she had told everyone. "I told three people."
"You didn't tell three 'people'. You told three women."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Why do you think there are no female serial killers? Because after they kill the first guy, they gotta go tell somebody."

Saturday, August 18, 2012

this has got to be one of the most bizarre things

I've seen in a LONG time. They also come in half kid, half horsey! This reminds me of one of those half man/half goat creatures from mythology. Only weirder...

I'm sooooo getting a couple for the Offspring.

Shame is the name of the game!!!

Friday, August 17, 2012

is it my imagination or

do some celebs think rather highly of themselves? I opened my yahoo mail page and one of the story headlines was "Jenny McCarthy Announces Split From Brian Urlacher". Jenny is so freaking important we have to know who she ISN'T dating anymore? And Jenny has this "6 month rule" in which she doesn't intro a man to her son until six months has passed. Wonder if this also applies to sex.....cuz I bet it doesn't.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

some people don't expect much, do they?

Kobe Bryant's wife said, "I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can't win championships. If you're sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year." So he's spending time away from her SOLELY for the 'benefit of winning championships'? Making boku bucks so she can live a lavish lifestyle has nothing to do with it, I guess? Gotta LOVE how she makes winning the championship ALL about HIM. Somebody needs to tell her there's no 'i' in team...

Sunday, August 05, 2012

i found this letter one day

when i was walking a few years ago. they had recently torn down an abandoned home in the area where i walk, so i don't know if it was from that house or had blown from someone's garbage. i saved it though cuz i find this sort of stuff fascinating. i wonder who the person is that wrote it and if he's still alive and whether this was a recent letter or old letter, as there's no date.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

copy that

mr wonderful day guy is starting to grate on my nerves.

it's getting to the point where i don't even want to go to the convenience store in the morning to buy my little debbie fudge round power breakfast.

every morning our conversations go a little something like this:
him: how are YOU today? (always spoken in an overly cheerful fake voice)
me: fine, thanks.
me: how are you doing? (always spoken in an 'i really don't care but now i feel obligated to axe' voice)
me: ok thanks (as he hands me my change)
him: have a WONDERFUL day!

i cant' figure out if he was valedictorian of the convenience store customer friendliness class or if he's being sarcastic in a 'super de-duper!' Barney kind of way.

i suspect the latter.

one of these days i'm gonna slip him a thesaurus along with my

btw, mr wonderful day guy is in direct contrast to his co-worker who started slamming things around today because i returned a food order that wasn't what i asked for.

gurl, let me give you a piece of advice: i didn't yell, i didn't rave and i didn't swear at you. i simply told you it wasn't what i asked for and i wanted my money back. if you're going to take every issue as a criticism of yourself, you need to GET OUT OF CUSTOMER SERVICE PRONTO cuz it's gonna eat you alive.

Monday, July 30, 2012

have you ever

woken up and had a song running through your head?

For the last few days, I've been waking up to the Bel Biv Devoe song, "That girl is poooooison" running through my head.

Nooooo idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


I can't believe my sweetie Chad Everett aka Dr. Joe Gannon is dead! Hell, I can't believe he was SEVENTY FIVE! Thank goodness, I've ceased to age.

That man reeked of HANDSOME. Schure he made some hella ignorant statements about his wife, but he was GORGEOUS and GORGEOUS makes it soooo much easier to overlook a man's blatant stupidity.

Sigh. Farewell, Dr. Gannon, farewell!

Sunday, July 08, 2012


LOVE how the press is all over Jessica Simpson because she hasn't lost that weight three seconds after she gave birth BUT they described her daughter in new pictures as being "deliciously chubby cheeked."

Sad thing is in about ten years they'll be all over the kid for her weight.

time to restock the ammo!

I love how the gub'ment "watches out for us". Pffft.

Have you heard about this Federal Regulation D that 'limits certain withdrawals and tranfers" from your savings account, and limits you to six transfers a month without you being present?

If you have money in your savings, for instance, and you're on vacation somewhere and your checking is overdrawn and you've used your six online transfers for the month, guess what? You're sucking up that insufficient funds fee, baby, thanks to the Federal Reserve who wants the banks to make sure they 'maintain adequate reserves for the funds they have on hand.' If that doesn't sound like political double talk I don't know what does.

So basically I can't even shift MY OWN MONEY from one account to another.

Welcome to America. Home of the brave. Land of the FREE.

Ironic thing is, had the government  done what they're making the banks do--adequate reserves blah blah-- we wouldn't have to worry that Federal Reserve is belly up and deep in denial trying to cover their asses.

Now here's the part that gets me, you can go to an ATM or do the seventh transfer in person or via mail but you canNOT do it online.

from the tweets of Roland Hedley...

"My tweets are like my children: hard to choose favorite because don't like any of them. Admit I'm a perfectionist."

"Gorgeous day. So easy 2 forget how many people hurting in this economy. Thought it would be harder."

"My youngest said something really cute last night. Can't recall exact wording but it was classic. You'd laugh."

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Just lika Mama Domino used to makea!

Jim Gaffigan: "Have you seen Domino's Pasta Bread Bowls? It's a bread bowl, filled with pasta, covered with cheese. The only ingredient missing? A suicide note."

Saturday, June 30, 2012

just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

 Can you tell what I've been doing all morning in between loads of laundry? Yep, watching Jim Gaffigan's Mr. Universe special on Netflix.

 I don't care if he is pasty white! I loves me some Jim Gaffigan!

Jim Gaffigan on vitamins: "When I was a kid I used to take Flinstones vitamins cuz I watched the tv show The Flintstones. I'd probably take them now if they had....I don't know Law and Order vitamins. Oh I got one of those hot assistant DA's! Here's a Sam Waterson's always bitter but filled with righteous indignation. Dun dun."

there's no 'p' in our ool....

Jim Gaffiganb: "You can always tell the hotels that have an indoor pool cuz their lobby will smell like a bucket of bleach.

Uh do you guys have an indoor pool or did someone just clean up a murder scene? Cuz my eyes are bleeding and...."

oh baby!

Jim Gaffigan on having four kids: "You know what it's like have a fourth? Just imagine you're drowning....and then somebody hands you a baby. We had all our kids at home. People never want to hear about you having your kids at home. 'You had your kids at home? We were gonna do that, but we wanted our kids to live'.

Giving birth at home is crazy. It was all my wife's idea. I don't even like cooking at home."

Sunday, June 24, 2012

sure it might look stupid BUT

 I am DYING to see this movie....the premise is hilaious.

i'm born again out of the lion's den

I talked to my dad in a "dream" last night, and I put "" around the word dream because if you've ever had a visitation from a deceased person you know they're not the same as seeing them in a dream. It's very real, everything else going on fades to the background and it's just you and them.

He walked into my room and to say I was shocked was an understatement. He's been dead almost three years now and we've never had the best relationship. I always wanted to be Daddy's girl and he wanted another son. He was one of those closed off men who rarely showed emotion.

I've been visited by several of my loved ones---my grandmother several times, my aunt, my sister many, many times and my uncle. My husband has also experienced visits from his father and his aunt so he knew what I was going through.

I knew my dad wasn't coming to me because I was so angry with him and as often as I tried to work through my anger, I would think I forgave him and myself, but when I started to talk about him, I'd hear the bitterness and know nothing had changed. I wanted to let my anger and my dad go, but we were both stuck.

The other night I began doing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) again and anyone who pooh poohs it without even giving it a chance has lost out on a chance to rid themselves of a lot of emotional garbage. I was working on being bullied as a very young child and my parents not protecting me and feeling vulnerable and frightened in life. I had a breakthrough that just left me exhausted. I cried and cried, and I felt very sad. That feeling of sadness and loss stayed with me for a couple days.

I fell asleep that night and met with Dad.

I looked at him and for a split second, I saw him as I knew him when he passed and as he is now--thinner, younger--and I said, "What are YOU doing here?"

He said, "You know EXACTLY why I'm here."

I asked him something but I don't have any recollection as to what it was, but I sensed that it was something incredibly inane to ask of a dead person.

He said, "Is that REALLY what you want to ask me?"

I said, "I don't think you EVER LOVED ME."

He said, "There were times you kids got on my nerves, times I wanted to smack you kids, but I have ALWAYS loved you."

And he was gone. 

And so is my bitterness.

Goodbye, Dad.

Friday, June 22, 2012

ok ladies let's work on that corkscrew motion!

Here's a Cosmo article on inane sex 'tricks' you hope you'll never be desperate enough to want to try....

This is one of my GRIPES:
I HATE it when they talk about taking food into the bedroom because the author is right--it's a sticky mess. And I won't even talk about how disgusting it is to get body hair in honey or chocolate or anything else edible!

“Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
There's a variation on this mainstay of the Cosmo canon in almost every issue. Successfully incorporating food into sex — based on my life experiences and casual surveys — is not a real thing. It’s sticky, wrecks the sheets, and, if done frequently, will give you Type II diabetes. Here, it’s made more grotesque than usual by context: on the previous page, they advocate turning off the AC because a made-up-sounding chemical in your sweat boosts arousal.

sometimes facebook does rock...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

she's a brainyack brainyack on the floor

I can see pictures of people who have been murdered with their throat sliced, or in accidents with their vital organs open for all to see and yet this picture of the brain that I saw in a news story two days ago has been bugging the HELL OUT OF ME!

And I don't know WHY it upsets me so much! I don't know if it's because the brain is flat or because it looks like some grotesque mask, but it's really bothering me.  BRRRRRRRR!

Saturday, June 09, 2012

you were building my coffin you were driving my hearse

I was reading an article this morning that said the sales for Madonna's new cd MDNA have taken a nosedive.

After listening to samples of the songs on Amazon, I understand why.

Madonna has never matured as an artist. She doesn't take any chances...outside of pissing off the Catholic Church. And even that's been done to death.  She's still singing those popish songs on which she started her career.

Take the lyrics to "I'm A Sinner" for instance: "I'm a sinner, I'm a sinner
I'm a sinner, I like it that way." Wow, that's really deep for a 53 year old woman who has been in the music biz since the 1980's. Then she goes on to invoke Jesus and some of the Saints; at one point she's reciting the Hail Mary.... annnnnnd the world yawned. She's like a hack soap opera writer who keeps going back to the one story line that worked. (Sound familiar, Maria Arena Bell?!)

The only song that was a tad catchy was "Gang Bang" which is about her shooting her lover in the head. A lover, who "ended up with all of my jack". One can only ASSume it was Guy Ritchie. She casually mentions that she wants to that she wants to see him die 'over and over and over and over and over and over...' One might think there was a bit of animosity there.

Then we get to the chorus "Bang Bang, shot you dead, shot my lover in the head." At times the lyrics of this cd sound like fifth graders wrote them. In "I'm A Sinner": "All the boys, all the boys and girls Wanna be like us tonight".

Friday, June 08, 2012

have you seen that girl in the corner...

Bob Welch, formerly of Fleetwood Mac, was found dead of an apparent suicide on Thursday in Nashville.


Thursday, June 07, 2012

love bites

For the life of me, I don't get what other women see in werewolf and vampire romances.

Last week I accidentally picked one up from the library. In my defense, the damn thing had a COWBOY on the cover. AND it was from Harlequin!

Granted the little "love at first bite" stamped on the front MIGHT have been a clue had I not been staring at the cowboy's muscular shoulders, broad chest and washboard abs.

All that registered in my blonde brain when I looked at this cover was "Blaze" "Cowboy" and SEX!!!! Okay the word 'sex' wasn't actually there, but it was implied.

Besides, how was I to know there was such a thing as 150 year old cowboy?! Geez I know some of them LOOK 150 from being in the hott sun riding the range all day, but damn.

I didn't make it very far into the book when the cowpire (cowboy + vampire=cowpire) mentioned that he had "plenty of bagged blood stashed back in his suitcase at the motel." Call me weird but that kinda GROSSED ME OUT. 

The author almost totally lost me when Colton went back to the motel and pulled "out a bag of AB-" and heated it in the microwave. Then he "dumped the warm liquid into a glass and touched the rim to his lips. The sweet heat rolled down his throat, but it wasn't enough to fill up the emptiness in the pit of his stomach." It never is, ya know? That's the drawback of drinking blood instead of filling up on chocolate cake. Now THAT fills the emptiness. Been there, filled up on that.

BUT I'm not going to toss this book aside just yet. I'm paging through to the part where he tells her he's a vampire cuz I'm just wondering how that sort of thing comes up in conversation.

"Sooooo are you a blood donor? Cuz I could sure use a few pints what with me being a VAMPIRE and all...."


 "You know when couples say they'll love each other FOREVER? Well, I REALLY mean it."

However he tells her I'm sure she'll be just fine with it because like any woman, she'll convince herself she can love him right out of his blood sucking ways.

And they'll all live happily EVER after.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

i'm goin' to the casino!

We have a WHITE RACCOON in our yard!

According to American Indian lore, "He who have white racoon in trailer court, win big at Indian casino. Open 24 hours a day on Highway 99. Bring much wampum."

Fine. I might have made that one up. Whatevah.

Although they're incredibly lucky (or horribly cursed--depending on which internet site sucks you in), I haven't been able to get a snap shot of Whitey. I was talking to him last night, but he wasn't in a pichure posin mood.

Plus, he was incredibly confused by our are most critters I have discussions with. He didn't know whether to run into the woods or go back to the tree for more bird food. He kept 'dancing' back and forth between the two. Then I started talking about Gweneth Paltrow and the whole ni**as controversy and he tried to commit suicide by running out in front of a car.

The cool thing is he has no 'mask' like the usual raccoons you see, making him look kind of like a small dog or a white fox. Don't's just a matter of time until I outwit him. Or find a subject that lulls him to sleep long enough for me to take his pic.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

series romance writers, please note

I'm reading a romance novel that is apparently part of a series by Vicki Lewis Thompson.

I know this because by page 28, I have heard about Eleanor, Jonathan, Jack, Diana, Wyatt, Olivia, Rafe, Sarah, Nick, Gabe, Olivia's father, Pam, Emily, Emmett, Clay, Josie, Sarah Bianca, Dominique, Morgan, Archie, and Mary Lou. Oh and let's not forget Rodney, the dog!

So to sum up, that's 21 people and 1 dog in 28 pages. Also known as FRICKING OVERKILL.

For those authors who write serial romances, please remember that readers don't need to know the back story on Every. Single. Person. involved in the previous books.

And I certainly don't want to feel that the story I haven't read is much more interesting than the story I am reading.

By the time Thompson overwhelmed me with all these characters, I didn't even care about the romance. I just wanted somebody to put me out of my misery.

Please, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, limit your series to two books. No more series with four and five brothers, and a sister tossed in for good measure. And just when we THINK it's finally going to end, it picks up more steam when illegitimate siblings are suddenly discovered.

If I want to be distracted by constant recapping, I'll watch a soap opera.

Friday, June 01, 2012

Monday, May 28, 2012

How To Get Rid Of Your Stalker In One Easy Click...

There I was enjoying this lovely Memorial Day in my pajamas, innocently reading a story on some idiot celebrity and at the top of the page, this box pops up and says, "You are the first one of your Friends to read this story. It has been posted to your Facebook page."


Facebook, I'm fed up with this total invasion of privacy. You're one needy, insecure bastard. Don't you have any Friends of your own?!

If I wanted people to know I was wasting time reading about idiot celebrities and their idiot relationships, instead of doing something productive, I'd tell them myself. But I know better cuz I'd look IDIOT.

This is not the first time you've horned in on my online viewing. When I'm buying vitamins, the store wants me to tell all my Friends which vitamins I bought. When I'm buying jeans, the store wants me to post that to Facebook. When I'm commenting on an online article, Facebook wants me to log in and post under their ID so allllllll my Friends will know allllll my opinions on everything.

Every where I go Facebook is there, like a freaking boyfriend whose attentions are not welcome. Facebook: The Consummate Stalker.


I'm tired of you butting into my online viewing. I'm tired of you stalking me all over the internet. I'm tired of you requiring me to "Like" things. It's time to pack up your cookies, your dumbass Bingo, your ludicrous Farmville and mooooo-ve the hell out. Lure in some other unsuspecting, naive schlub who says "Wow, Facebook, you seem like lots of fun!"

So, adios, Facebook. I don't like you anymore, I don't need you anymore and I certainly don't want you anymore.

You've overstayed your welcome and I'm kicking you to the curb.

You're sucking the fun right out of my online viewing AND while I did enjoy the poking, not ONCE did I have a screaming O to show for it. Needy prick.

Oh, and don't try coming back, cuz I changed the deadbolts on the front door. Loser.

Friday, May 04, 2012

some people should not leave the trailer court

Gack! It's 2012 and I still don't know how to use Facebook.

Someone 'invited' me to something and I hit 'accept' thinking I was accepting an invite to their site, and now it says I "am going".

I don't even know where the hell I'm going to let alone how I'm gonna get there;).

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

i'll be your mistress tonight

I began reading romance novels back in the 70's. I inhaled anything with the words "Harlequin," or "Mills & Boon" on the cover,  and thus, a diehard romantic was born.

My interest in porn began in the 80's when I was an innocent lured into the dark world of adult films by my husband. The lech. It wasn't too long before I was dragging HIM to the theater. And I don't mean Broadway. 

And while I like romance in my porn, I do NOT like porn in my romance. Yes, there is a distinction.

Yet it has taken me until 2012 to even CONSIDER reading erotica that has two guys/one woman OR as I read today, three guys/one woman. (I'm sure the advent of FREE--that's right--FREE Kindle book price tag had something to do with it...)

The book I read today, Colters' Wife,  as I said, involved three men and one woman. The guys were brothers, which I thought made the whole thing a tad 'sick'. There are lots of things I'm willing to share with my sisters. Chlamydia ain't one of 'em. 

Although I'm sure the author was going for the idealistic, "we're brothers, we're family, we're sharing the same woman, damn it, because we're so secure in our masculinity!" And we're too lazy to fill out more than one application on eHarmony...
What I actually came away with, though, was "we're so damn backward that one of us needs to go out there and git us a woman! Then we'll all have sex with her cuz it requires no social skills."

Reading porn forums and websites has shown me that some men have this "my woman is hot I want you to sleep with her, too" mentality.

It's what we women call "insanity".

I have NEVER heard a woman say, "my boyfriend is soooo good in bed, I want  you, my BFF,  to have sex with him."

Why? BECAUSE WE HAVE BRAINS. Men don't realize that the more people a woman sleeps with, the greater the odds she'll find someone a hell of a lot better in bed than her boyfriend! But women do. Why? Again, with the BRAIN thing!!

Back to the starts out with the woman horribly, horribly pregnant.

No, no and NO. (That's a 'no' for each brother. Clever, eh?)

It's not sexy for me to read about a woman who is swollen and tired and can't see her feet. But enough about me. Seriously, there's not a dang thing sexy about being nine months pregnant, and female writers, you KNOW that, so stop perpetuating this ridiculous myth.

All three brothers were so caring and sweet that the more I read, the more my blood sugar levels rose until I was thisclose to drinking a bottle of insulin.
"How are you feelin', Doll?"
 "What's going on with you, Doll?"
"You're tired. Worn out. No way am I placing more demands on you."
And all this solicitousness is just in the first two days.

Who ARE these people?! Oh, and the constant stomach rubbing as if some Genie was suddenly going to pop out of there and grant them a wish was lovely. "Uhh, yeah,  I'd like another woman that we can all sleep with..." 

Then a chunk of this novella is dedicated to her going into labor and having the baby.
The pains!
The pushing!
The placenta!
All sexy stuff.
Cue porn music: *Bow chicka bow chicka bow wow*

But this author committed the biggest faux pas of all:  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT lure me into a book that features three men and one woman in the same relationship, and then have them have sex with her ONE AT A TIME at DIFFERENT TIMES. What the HELL is the point?!

I have sat through many a cheesy porn flick.

I know how this is supposed to work, damn it!!

First brother takes her into the bedroom and starts sexing her up. Second and third brothers stick their heads in the doorway and say, "What's all the noise abo---" look at the couple sexing it up, look at each other, shrug and start stripping to join in.

It ain't rocket science.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

why is it...

that every time i drag my ass out of bed on a saturday morning and go to the grocery store in a baggy sweatshirt, equally baggy jeans and beat up sneakers, i am sandwiched in between two women who look like they're headed for the Beautiful Women Hall of Fame with their tight jeans, hooker heels and two inch red nails?! Not to mention their three feet of hair and perfectly made up faces!!!


 It's the GROCERY store.

Next time I expect the people in front and back of me to be fat, with no teeth and back braces!!!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Welcome to my Nightmare Humble Abode

I was over on Shrinky's site and she posted pictures of her house. WhatEVS, Shrinky, two can play that game!

I decided to show you various pictures from just two of the 'homes' *cough cough* we've lived in over the years.

First up is this little number that we ummm 'bought' (squatters rights rock!!) when Mr. G and I first hooked up. You know what they say, if you take care of a place for six years...and you have enough guns to keep the poleece out, it's yours!

I liked this 'starter'(and finisher)  'home' because as you can see, we not only had a front porch, we also had lots of storage space. Or acreage, as some folks call it.  AND we had a prime location--two steps from the highway. Curbside appeal! Check out that way cool motorcycle by the curb. Yep, Mr. G's Har(d)ley.

We had a really nice size back yard so I had plenty of room to hang out the kids and the laundry.  Here's a picture of me (before I decided to have more fun and go blonde!) and
Female Offspring #.......meh, they all look alike at that age.
Mock me if you will, ladies, but at least *I*  never had to endure the shame of calling the police cuz my kids wandered away while I was hanging up clothes. Sure there were those many, many times they wandered away while I was drunk but NEVER WHILE I WAS HANGING CLOTHES!

This was our first bicycle/riding lawn mower.  It's like I always say, "Blade up if you're going to the store, kids. We don't need to trim the sidewalk!"

Gotta admit, I always loved the bathroom in that trailer.....

A short time later, when the SWAT team arrived and our ammo ran out, we 'decided' to move into this little beauty.....but I always felt like something was missing. Besides all front yard storage space and burned out vehicles, I mean. And it was a real bitch going outside to get something out of the fridge. Our lucky neighbors did get to see me bending over every morning to get some whiskey for my bran flakes out of the soda bin while I scratched in places women shouldn't scratch. And i can't even blame the persistent itch on the underwear cuz I never wore any.

I do the miss the den......

This is a picture of our current bomb's not quite finished yet. I think another ton of dirt and some grass seed oughta do it. And NO you canNOT stay in our bombshelter. I only have so much emergency chocolate and after that, no one is S.A.F.E.

I hope you enjoyed seeing pics of my humble abode as much as I enjoyed showing them to you.
Ok, tonight is my night to cook....burgers it is!

Monday, April 09, 2012

hmm, had trouble with this one

'name an occupation whose afternoon visits women dream about' ....and i kept drawing a total blank. this is where it sucks to work daylight...WHO comes in the afternoon, damn it?!

I put cop, but to be fair i put 'cop' for just about any question dealing with sex and men.

the top answer was: plumper but as soon as I wrote "WHO comes in the afternoon?" UPS popped into my head.

clearly i'm not in my right mind....

So I'm playing Family Feud and the question was "name some extremes you'd go to avoid a persistent ex" and I got the first four right: change phone number, move, wear disguise and hide. The last one they were looking for was "don't answer your phone" but I said, "fake your own death"....

"what subject *might* be taboo for the best man to bring up in a wedding toast" and I said "he slept with the bride"...yeah that *MIGHT* be taboo.

Friday, April 06, 2012


Two of my alter-egos--Blondie and Super Girl played several rounds of Family Feud tonight and guess what?

Blondie was the hands down winner.

Blondie won almost ALL of the Fast Money rounds while brunette Super Girl won only TWO out of twelve. She also gave answers such as this: "Something circus people ride....POODLES".

Yeah, sure they do.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Talk About Your Evil Chicks....

This is my favorite character from HOP, Carlos the ambitious chick, who is only too happy to take over the job of Easter Bunny, voiced by Hank Azaria.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

girls and their toys

Looking for a new vibrator, but do I need something with the words "8 speed turbo" in the title?!

Saturday, March 03, 2012

you're stalking WHO now?!!!!

Ok, here's words I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd read in the same sentence," Bill Nye, Science Guy...ex-gf.....stalker" I mean COME ON already! (And the words "Bill of my life" were a bit disorienting as well.

I have to admit, I've never had the slightest desire to stalk anyone whose name was followed by the words, 'science guy'. Doesn't exactly inspire visions of torrid passion in me, ya know?  I also don't know any grown man who would relish the words "science guy" after his name....

This chick poured herbicide on his rose bushes?! Give me a break. That's a stalker with no imagination whatsoever. Years ago when I stalked Mike South I broke into his house and wore his underwear every time he went out of town. And then I wrote all about it for his website. Now THAT'S a crazy assed stalker! Poisoned rose bushes my butt. I missed my calling. I should have given classes in the proper way to stalk a man!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Can You Say "Delusional," Kids?

I was at work today in the middle of a phone call when my gf texted "OMG! OMG! EMERGENCY!! CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!!"

Naturally I rushed our customer to find out what happened. When she answered the phone she all but yelled, "OMG! DAVY JONES IS DEAD!!"

I said, "Look. You're almost 50 years old. It was never going to happen between you and Davy anyway. This is not like the time I was 15 and engaged to both David Cassidy AND Bobby Sherman and they fought over me so much I got bored and broke up with both of them! Your are  DELUSIONAL. Set your sights on somebody attainable like Der Hasselhoff and stop with the pipe dreams!"

BTW, ironically I always like Michael Nesmith while most chicks grooved on Davy Jones. And guess who became the gajillionaire? That's right...Michael Nesmith.

Life Lesson #2578.5: The nerdy, shy guy will ALWAYS become the rich one!

Friday, January 20, 2012

will someone please explain to me....

Why the martian females in Mars Needs Moms were drawn with teeny tiny waists, long legs with what looks like horses hooves as feet and big fat butts/thighs???

I sometimes wonder (and worry) about what goes on in the minds of animators.....

Thursday, January 19, 2012

if it stinks like an asshole, chances are it's an asshole

I was reading the article by the second former Mrs Newt and I had to chuckle. let's see, ex wife pt deux was seeing newt when he was still married to ex wife part uno, who he dumped right after finding out she had cancer. 
NOW she's all pissy about his lack of morality and huffy about how he wanted an open marriage and OMG! he dumped her right after finding out she had MS! do ya think any man who dumps his wife in the face of adversity is a STELLAR CANDIDATE for re-marriage in the first place?
if it walks like an asshole and talks like an asshole....and all that. this is a perfect example of karma--what comes around, goes around. i'm sorry but i have little sympathy for this woman and there will come a day when newt gets his. and rightly so.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

let us mark this date on the calendar, people

Christina Aguilera is now on her "I love my curvy body" world tour.

Lordy, where's Oprah when ya need her to help spread the word?

This will be followed by her "OMG! I can't believe I was such a fat slob!" world tour after some Hollywood diet people offer her a cool million to 'come to her senses' and loose weight.

why didn't anybody ever tell me...

that marriage is a LOT of work?

And just when you think you can kick back, relax, have 16 kids and gain 50 pounds, along comes MORE WORK!!

Damn Duggars, how do they do it?!