Sunday, July 31, 2011

overheard in Casa de Goddess

Male Offspring #7: "Let's take Mom to see 'Menopause: The Musical'."

Male Offspring #2: "DUMBASS! We live with it every day and it ain't no musical!"

Saturday, July 30, 2011

thank God for my good heatlh

My back was bugging me somewhat today and I was walking around feeling sorry for po' po' pitiful me because I had a hard time getting comfortable last night and the spasms kept waking me.

Then I received a prayer chain email asking us to pray for a cop and his wife in California who was losing her battle with ovarian and cervical cancer. It made me incredibly sad to think that some young woman was losing her life today and that possibly by tomorrow, her children and husband would have a gaping hole in their life, that used to be filled with her presence and her love. They would be struggling to make sense of what was happening to them.

Suddenly my back pain didn't seem all that important, and I realized how much I take my good health for granted, and how lucky I am to have had another year with my husband and family.

Happy 31st, Babe!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

feel the heat pushing you to decide

I'm constantly amazed at how self-absorbed people are these days. I just came home from a shower and there was the bride to be opening gifts with one hand and FREAKING TEXTING with the other.

How f'ing self involved can you get? And there were no "thank you for coming"s , no walking around chatting with the guests because AGAIN she was sitting too busy TEXTING. If you expect people to come to your shower and spend their money on your gift, the VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO IS GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION!!

And that's not even mentioning the guests who were walking around chatting on their cells phones. The shower was two damn hours. People can't unplug for one hundred and twenty minutes?! Unreal.

Friday, July 15, 2011

the neighborhood watch program is alive and well

The phone rang last night at 10:30. Of course, my first thought was, "Somebody I know has been in a TRAUMATIC ACCIDENT!! OR BLEEDING TO DEATH ON THE STREET!! OR DEAD!! OOOOR it's the Publisher's Clearing House and they've been circling the block all day trying to find my trailer!!" 

Look for the trailer with pink flamingos standing on rusty, broken legs in the front yard!!

I was wrong.

It was my 94 year old mother.


She was calling to tell me she saw a truck turning into the business establishment located directly above my back yard and she was convinced they had nefarious reasons for doing so. (That Word a Day calendar is paying off in...ummm...ummm...hearts!)

She then told me to 'go up and check it out.'

Like a COMPLETE LOON, I did just that. I got in the car sans cell phone and drove up there. What the hell I would have done had I walked into a burglary (or a non-musical version of West Side Story rumble scene?!) is beyond me.

Alas it was some poor working schlub hooking up a disabled vehicle to his wrecker.

So I live to face another day. And wait impatiently for the Publisher's Clearing House dude. 

Avoid the piles that are my life on the front stoop!

Monday, July 11, 2011

pump, pa-pump, pa-pump it up and back it up like a Tonka truck

One of MY offspring has to have court mandated therapy.

Who could have seen that one coming? Stevie Wonder? Helen Keller? Hell, Louey Braille not only could have seen it, he could have blogged about it.

I apologize for this offensive picture. I did NOT have sex with Ronald McDonald!! Or any other redheads!
Today MO #4 was filling out his intake interview questionnaire--you know, so they can figure out why he's a few jujubees short of a pound and how they can blame it all on me.

The question was: what are some of the activities you perform with your family? 

You know why they ask this question, right? So they can figure out how to blame it all on me. Anyone who has read my blog knows that clearly, I'm about as well adjusted as they come.

Anyhee, when they asked him to list the activities he did with his family, he wrote: screaming, yelling and throwing things.

The little bastard didn't mention a word about smoking, drinking or family shoplifting night. Where did I go wrong?! 

I try to instill values in these kids. I try to come up with fun things we can do as a family that doesn't cost much money. Let's face it, if you ignore bail and court costs, shoplifting can provide virtually free entertainment. Running from the poleece is also good for your cardiovascular system! And theirs! It's a win/win.

Here's the most disturbing thing of all about this court mandated therapy--I have to attend, too! Do you know WHY that is? So they can look me right in the face when they find a way to blame all his twisted little ways on --PAY ATTENTION--ME!!! Gawd, what if I learn something at this court mandated therapy? What if I get new insights into me? What if MO #4 and I learn to C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E, using words than four letter ones? I'm terrified that any minute now the Buhl Planetarium is going to call and tell me the world does NOT revolve around me! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel sick.

Friday, July 08, 2011

won't you save me san francisco

Why is it that you never see old, retired WOMEN sitting at the convenience store every morning jawing and drinking coffee?!!

Yet another WEIRD GUY THING!!

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

i've been 'yes' and i've been 'oh hell no'

Here's words I really don't want to hear after a long day of work--well, EVER when ya think about it..."Mom, will you open the stove and make sure it's not STILL on fire?"

Sunday, July 03, 2011

i'll be alright once i find the other side of someday

I was reading a blog post earlier about a woman who had died from breast cancer after refusing mainstream chemo and radiation. Her spouse was bitter that she looked for "miracles" in alternative therapies and meditation, etc. calling them "snake oils" and people who sold them "thieves" preying on people's hopes.

 I try not to read these sorts of things because first of all, I feel for the spouse that has been left behind. They are trying to deal with their pain the best way they can. But secondly, because the underlying message is always, "My spouse would still be alive had she undergone radiation and chemo" and that's simply not the truth.

 People die from radiation and chemo ALL THE TIME. And seeing what my brother in law went through, it's not a pretty death. It's not a peaceful death. It's a death that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When he wasn't undergoing chemo and radiation, he was either throwing up, too weak to move or out of his mind on pain killers. He not only lost his hair, but he lost his eyesight and his hearing. He had problems with short term memory. They don't tell you those sorts of things.

 Now I'm not saying natural remedies are the way to go. I'm not saying mainstream med's answers are right either. I AM saying that PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE and if we REALLY love them, then we have to support the choice they've made, EVEN IF, it's not one that we would have made. Even if, we're left behind with no answers, looking for someone to blame.

I've been waiting for a miracle

I was driving to the shopping center this afternoon when I saw a state trooper up ahead on the right hand shoulder of the road. I pulled over into the left hand lane, cuz you know it's the law! He pulled out and came into the left hand lane right behind me. For the hell of it, I decided to dodge right so he wouldn't be riding my ass the whole way, and he did the same.

A minute or two later,  I slid into the left lane again, and so did he. At this point I started undoing a few buttons on my blouse, displaying the cleavage to my advantage. Hey, couldn't hurt, right? Then I slid into the left hand turning lane and so did he. I was going to the ladies apparel store, but I'm guessing he isn't behind me because he's looking for undies for his gf.

Now that he's followed me across three lanes, I'm thinking, "uh oh," and EVEN THOUGH I knew I had done nothing wrong, I started to panic anyway. Immediately I started reciting the policeman's prayer. You know the one that goes something like this, "Sweet baby Jesus, don't let that policeman be coming after me!! I'm too purdy to go to jail!"

All of a sudden this asshole--who I like to refer to as a 'blessing in disguise'--comes flying down the highway in the opposite direction, passing us by like we're dirty shirts. The state trooper immediately turned on his lights, did a u-ey and tore off after him. PHEW! Thank God for idiots.

no heeing, no hawing

I about fell off my chair laughing when I saw this Dolly Parton gnome in Gnomeo and Juliet! LOL!!