Friday, November 25, 2011

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

everything that's old is....still old

I am officially an Old. Person. 
It used to be that when the phone rang at 2 am, I'd be terrified that someone was dead because the phone was ringing so late at night. The other night a guy called me at 9:05 p and I said, "OMG, who would be calling this late at night?!" Sigh.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

bridge over a troubled Goddess

Any Brayman guys on Blogger? What the HECK is this big machine that I keep seeing during bridge construction? It's aqua in color and has a big arm that reaches up over the bridge....which you would know if you worked for Brayman. Sigh.
 

there has been a casualty....

Kindling, anyone?!
My Maple tree is kaput! (Yes, that's a technical term;)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Kermit, I feel your pain

A friend of mine called me from California today and said he was so relieved to hear my voice because he saw on the national news where I had gotten lost in a corn maze and called the police. Oh HAR HAR! I think Kermit said it best when he sang, "It's not easy being blonde...." sigh.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

what's it all about, Korea? WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?!

I was sitting at a stop light the other day when suddenly my car was bouncing like some of those tricked out cars with the throbbing base you hear coming down the street ten minutes before it actually gets there. When I got home, I opened the hood to check the air filter and found this nest under it. It's hard to tell from the picture, but it's a good sized handful. What the hell gives with rodents and Rios?!

I gave Mr. G hell for feeding the zillion cats that hang around here three times a day. I told him he's raising a bunch of Obama cats who'd rather bawl for free food then hunt their own! Any day now I expect to find a mouse (or worse!) curled up with O'Flannagan in her comfy little bed. And she'll be all, "WHAT?! I can't kill my little FRIEND!"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

time marches on

I forgot to share my good news from earlier this summer...Male Offspring #2 (barely) graduated high school! AND he moved out!!

Yep, two kids living in the shed now.....

*insert "Go America!" fist pump here*

I was taking my morning walk and the Norfolk Southern passed me. They were flying two American flags off the front sides of the engine.

And yes, it made me cry to see it.

Thank you, Norfolk Southern employee!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

jailhouse rock

Male Offspring #8 begged to go with me on my walk today. (Translation: I made the little chubbers go.)

We passed a house that had a rabbit pen in the side yard and there was a wild rabbit outside of the pen looking in.

Male Offspring #8 said, "Look, Mom! His dad is in jail, too!"

Sunday, August 21, 2011

fly, canadian geese, fly! up, up to the sky!

As you all know, I am a very busy mom of 16 offspring. Well, I'm not so busy with the offspring, but I AM busy with MY work, reading, drinking and excessive chain smoking. And the bingeing. Let's not forget the bingeing.

When I say I don't have the room in my blonde head to worry about one more thing, I MEAN IT! Important stuff is being shoved out of my head at an alarming rate. If it keeps up, my head will be completely empty by the end of October.

So now what am I worrying about? Yeah, besides rerouting all the plumping AGAIN for the sewer and the damn crumbling foundation wall, which the repair dude ASSures me will NOT fall in. Really? What happens when a wall crumbles? It continues to stand?  AND then I have the worry of paying for it all..fucking jackass don't know how to build houses, builders! I hate you all!

Ok, on today's problem. Three Canadian geese have invaded my life. When I walk by the railroad, these Northern annoyances hide in the tall grass on the access road, but when they see me coming they immediately start crossing the tracks. While they're doing it, they send "it's all your fault, lady, if we get killed" glances over their shoulder at me. Wait. Do geese have shoulders? Well, if they did... this, in turn, wracks me to with guilt and causes me to worry relentlessly.

To clarify, two nervous Nellys cross while the third one's job seems to be scaring me by honking loudly and coming at me in a menacing waddle. He so thinks he's getting the better of me, but today I yelled, "BACK OFF, GOOSE! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD OR I WILL SCREAM!" Contrary to popular geese belief the road IS wide enough for the four of us, even with the extra junk I've packed into my trunk.

The one day they had the sense to wait UNTIL the train passed, but they waddle right up to the edge while they wait. Clearly these birds have seen Fried Green Tomatoes! I'm so afraid the feathered twits are going to hop, waddle, hop, waddle right onto the track of an oncoming train. Don't these dumbazz birds KNOW they can fly across the tracks? Apparently they haven't read that far ahead in their "Do's and Don'ts of Canadian Geese" user manuals.

Today they went hopping and waddling AS a train was coming. Now let's just say these birds aren't the smartest or the FASTEST, if you catch my drift and I had to turn away. Part of the problem is the train tracks are running beside me but are built somewhat above the access road, so I can't see which track the train is on and which track the dumb birds are on unless I walk closer to the tracks. But this blonde knows better. I have seen Fried Green Tomatoes. Brrrr! Still gives me the shudders.

I was positive they were going to end up geese soup or geese stew or geese smashed against the front of a Norfolk Southern on this fine morning. However, on the return trip, I realized they waited for the train to pass then came back across the tracks and were hiding in the grass again!

Tricky little bastards, aren't they?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

taking what they're giving cuz we're workin' for a livin'

Seriously.

WTF is UP with teen job seekers? Are ya kidding me coming into the office and telling ME to "jump online" and see if I can find a phone number/address for the place YOU used to work?!

If you don't even have the initiative to put a resume together, people are NOT going to hire you.

I don't care if you "think" you worked at a place in such and such a year, I need that EXACT year. Don't show up with references but no phone numbers. 

Don't waste my time.

And no, I'm not going to call your GRANDMA and have her verify the year you moved into this state.

Dumbest fucking line of all? "Call the last place I worked and ask for so and so. She can give you a reference, but she doesn't work there anymore."

Saturday, August 13, 2011

promises, promises


*insert achy, tired groan of old person here*

I was telling a YOUNGSTER about the balsa wood airplanes we used to have as kids. We loved those things. My dad used to buy them for us and we'd add the wings and the tail thingy and play with them for hours. Or until they hit into the side of the house and broke;)

Anybody else remember these or am I the only oldster???

Saturday, August 06, 2011

i just don't get it

I was talking to one of our employees the other day. She works full time---40 hours a week--and yet I'm always filling out unemployment papers for her.

I said, "How can you get unemployment when you're working full time?"

She said, "That has nothing to do with it. Because there's a gap between what I made and what I make now, I can sign up, even if I'm working 40 hours a week."

GMAFB. It's so apparent why this country is in the crapper.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

overheard in Casa de Goddess

Male Offspring #7: "Let's take Mom to see 'Menopause: The Musical'."

Male Offspring #2: "DUMBASS! We live with it every day and it ain't no musical!"

Saturday, July 30, 2011

thank God for my good heatlh

My back was bugging me somewhat today and I was walking around feeling sorry for po' po' pitiful me because I had a hard time getting comfortable last night and the spasms kept waking me.

Then I received a prayer chain email asking us to pray for a cop and his wife in California who was losing her battle with ovarian and cervical cancer. It made me incredibly sad to think that some young woman was losing her life today and that possibly by tomorrow, her children and husband would have a gaping hole in their life, that used to be filled with her presence and her love. They would be struggling to make sense of what was happening to them.

Suddenly my back pain didn't seem all that important, and I realized how much I take my good health for granted, and how lucky I am to have had another year with my husband and family.

Happy 31st, Babe!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

feel the heat pushing you to decide

I'm constantly amazed at how self-absorbed people are these days. I just came home from a shower and there was the bride to be opening gifts with one hand and FREAKING TEXTING with the other.

How f'ing self involved can you get? And there were no "thank you for coming"s , no walking around chatting with the guests because AGAIN she was sitting too busy TEXTING. If you expect people to come to your shower and spend their money on your gift, the VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO IS GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION!!

And that's not even mentioning the guests who were walking around chatting on their cells phones. The shower was two damn hours. People can't unplug for one hundred and twenty minutes?! Unreal.

Friday, July 15, 2011

the neighborhood watch program is alive and well

The phone rang last night at 10:30. Of course, my first thought was, "Somebody I know has been in a TRAUMATIC ACCIDENT!! OR BLEEDING TO DEATH ON THE STREET!! OR DEAD!! OOOOR it's the Publisher's Clearing House and they've been circling the block all day trying to find my trailer!!" 

Look for the trailer with pink flamingos standing on rusty, broken legs in the front yard!!


I was wrong.

It was my 94 year old mother.

Meh.

She was calling to tell me she saw a truck turning into the business establishment located directly above my back yard and she was convinced they had nefarious reasons for doing so. (That Word a Day calendar is paying off in...ummm...ummm...hearts!)

She then told me to 'go up and check it out.'

Like a COMPLETE LOON, I did just that. I got in the car sans cell phone and drove up there. What the hell I would have done had I walked into a burglary (or a non-musical version of West Side Story rumble scene?!) is beyond me.

Alas it was some poor working schlub hooking up a disabled vehicle to his wrecker.

So I live to face another day. And wait impatiently for the Publisher's Clearing House dude. 

Avoid the piles that are my life on the front stoop!

Monday, July 11, 2011

pump, pa-pump, pa-pump it up and back it up like a Tonka truck

One of MY offspring has to have court mandated therapy.

Who could have seen that one coming? Stevie Wonder? Helen Keller? Hell, Louey Braille not only could have seen it, he could have blogged about it.


I apologize for this offensive picture. I did NOT have sex with Ronald McDonald!! Or any other redheads!
Today MO #4 was filling out his intake interview questionnaire--you know, so they can figure out why he's a few jujubees short of a pound and how they can blame it all on me.

The question was: what are some of the activities you perform with your family? 

You know why they ask this question, right? So they can figure out how to blame it all on me. Anyone who has read my blog knows that clearly, I'm about as well adjusted as they come.


Anyhee, when they asked him to list the activities he did with his family, he wrote: screaming, yelling and throwing things.


The little bastard didn't mention a word about smoking, drinking or family shoplifting night. Where did I go wrong?! 

I try to instill values in these kids. I try to come up with fun things we can do as a family that doesn't cost much money. Let's face it, if you ignore bail and court costs, shoplifting can provide virtually free entertainment. Running from the poleece is also good for your cardiovascular system! And theirs! It's a win/win.


Here's the most disturbing thing of all about this court mandated therapy--I have to attend, too! Do you know WHY that is? So they can look me right in the face when they find a way to blame all his twisted little ways on --PAY ATTENTION--ME!!! Gawd, what if I learn something at this court mandated therapy? What if I get new insights into me? What if MO #4 and I learn to C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E, using words than four letter ones? I'm terrified that any minute now the Buhl Planetarium is going to call and tell me the world does NOT revolve around me! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel sick.

Friday, July 08, 2011

won't you save me san francisco

Why is it that you never see old, retired WOMEN sitting at the convenience store every morning jawing and drinking coffee?!!

Yet another WEIRD GUY THING!!

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

i've been 'yes' and i've been 'oh hell no'

Here's words I really don't want to hear after a long day of work--well, EVER when ya think about it..."Mom, will you open the stove and make sure it's not STILL on fire?"

Sunday, July 03, 2011

i'll be alright once i find the other side of someday

I was reading a blog post earlier about a woman who had died from breast cancer after refusing mainstream chemo and radiation. Her spouse was bitter that she looked for "miracles" in alternative therapies and meditation, etc. calling them "snake oils" and people who sold them "thieves" preying on people's hopes.

 I try not to read these sorts of things because first of all, I feel for the spouse that has been left behind. They are trying to deal with their pain the best way they can. But secondly, because the underlying message is always, "My spouse would still be alive had she undergone radiation and chemo" and that's simply not the truth.

 People die from radiation and chemo ALL THE TIME. And seeing what my brother in law went through, it's not a pretty death. It's not a peaceful death. It's a death that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When he wasn't undergoing chemo and radiation, he was either throwing up, too weak to move or out of his mind on pain killers. He not only lost his hair, but he lost his eyesight and his hearing. He had problems with short term memory. They don't tell you those sorts of things.

 Now I'm not saying natural remedies are the way to go. I'm not saying mainstream med's answers are right either. I AM saying that PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE and if we REALLY love them, then we have to support the choice they've made, EVEN IF, it's not one that we would have made. Even if, we're left behind with no answers, looking for someone to blame.

I've been waiting for a miracle

I was driving to the shopping center this afternoon when I saw a state trooper up ahead on the right hand shoulder of the road. I pulled over into the left hand lane, cuz you know it's the law! He pulled out and came into the left hand lane right behind me. For the hell of it, I decided to dodge right so he wouldn't be riding my ass the whole way, and he did the same.

A minute or two later,  I slid into the left lane again, and so did he. At this point I started undoing a few buttons on my blouse, displaying the cleavage to my advantage. Hey, couldn't hurt, right? Then I slid into the left hand turning lane and so did he. I was going to the ladies apparel store, but I'm guessing he isn't behind me because he's looking for undies for his gf.

Now that he's followed me across three lanes, I'm thinking, "uh oh," and EVEN THOUGH I knew I had done nothing wrong, I started to panic anyway. Immediately I started reciting the policeman's prayer. You know the one that goes something like this, "Sweet baby Jesus, don't let that policeman be coming after me!! I'm too purdy to go to jail!"

All of a sudden this asshole--who I like to refer to as a 'blessing in disguise'--comes flying down the highway in the opposite direction, passing us by like we're dirty shirts. The state trooper immediately turned on his lights, did a u-ey and tore off after him. PHEW! Thank God for idiots.

no heeing, no hawing

I about fell off my chair laughing when I saw this Dolly Parton gnome in Gnomeo and Juliet! LOL!!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

yes! let's end Juvenile Diabetes by drinking large amounts of high fructose corn syrup!!

Another brilliant marketing strategy by KFC.

Next they'll be offering free buckets o'fatty chicken to members of Overeaters Anonymous!

Monday, June 13, 2011

it's date night!

That's right. Moi has a date tonight. And NO, it's NOT with Mr. G.

I have a date with a man who has nothing else on his mind but putting his hands all over my body. And I fully intend to let him. It's purely physical between the two of us. I don't care about the books he's read or the movies he's seen or whether or not he can support my sixteen offspring at some point in the very near future. That's of no concern to me.  I just want to feel good.

I'm not feeling the least bit guilty about it either. I HAVE NEEDS, DAMN IT!!

And right now my biggest need is to get that right hip back into place......suckers!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

ok all you Rapturites


If the person telling you the world is coming to an end is not busy giving away his millions of dollars worth of assets, I wouldn't start giving mine away either.

Just a little tip.

Monday, May 09, 2011

so you want to live in a world without malaria

Female Offspring #8 came home from school and told me they are having a "walk a thon for malaria". She wanted me to sponsor her.

That one had me a tad stumped. I mean, I can't remember the last case of malaria we had in the trailer court. Schure we did have a few outbreaks of leprosy in '07, but malaria? Huh uh.

I said, "When you get to school tomorrow, tell your teacher that your mother wants to know if this is a walk a thon for MORE malaria or LESS malaria?"

Sunday, May 08, 2011

i want candy!!

And now YOU do, too!


and a Happy Mother's Day to you, too!


I received this Mother's Day card from the offspring today and the message really upset me. Oh schure THEY think it's a joke, but I was in tears.

It made me question my mothering skilz.

Do these kids not realize I gave them the best years of my crappy life by refusing to marry any of their low achieving fathers and live in a trailer court?! Do they not realize how much I struggled to to support them and listen to all their (usually criminally related) problems? Do they not realize I would never buy expensive drain cleaner like Drano because that would give me less money for my cigarettes and booze?! HAVE I TAUGHT THEM NOTHING?! D*mn stupid kids...mutter, mutter.

Ok, it's almost 11 am. Time to spend some quality time with my new bf Mr. Beam...

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Friday, April 29, 2011

a good sitter is hard to find.....

While I don't recognize the name, I can't help but think maybe this woman works for us because so many of our employees are not familiar with the word "babysitter" either. They can never attend "mandatory" meetings because they don't have a....babysitter. They can never work weekends (GASP!) because they don't have a...babysitter. They even have to leave client's homes early to get their kids off the bus because they don't have...a lick of sense. Thought I was gonna say "babysitter", huh? I am. They don't have common sense OR a babysitter.
Here's a definition of the word straight out of Webster's Dickshunary:
Babysitter (ˈbā-bē-ˌsit-ter): the person who takes tender loving care of your children while you go to the grocery store, attend Mass or rob a Payless. (Noun)
Let's face it, people, it's much easier for you to make a fast get-away without a kid hanging off your teat. Not mention, you're much less conspicuous. Oh, and here's a robbery tip, honey: if you're going to be charged with armed robbery, go for the money and not the tacky shoes. I just hope to God she wasn't stealing a pair of Jellys because that would be the final insult.


------------

Woman carrying infant arrested following armed robbery

Police arrested a West Columbia woman Wednesday following the armed robbery of a Payless Shoe store on Augusta Road.
Carrying her three-month-old baby, Jaclyn Alveshire, of Whiteside Circle, allegedly took a pair of shoes and left the store without paying for them.
Alveshire pulled a gun on a store clerk when confronted outside the store before getting into her car and driving away, the West Columbia Police Department stated.
The 32-year-old mother was arrested a short distance away and has been charged with armed robbery, use of a gun in a violent crime and unlawful conduct toward a child. Wednesday afternoon she was being held in the Lexington County Detention Center and her child turned over to relatives.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Yay!

The amboolance took Mr. G to the hospital last night after he couldn't "shake off" appendicitis as well as he thought he could.

He shall be returning him minus the pus filled --I wanted to write pus-y appendix, but it came out looking like 'pussy' and I knew some smart ass--yeah Bruno, YOU!!--would say, "what does pussy have to do with your appendix?!"

Regardless pus-y or pussy, he doesn't have the damn appendix anymo!

Oh, humorous little addendum here: as they're wheeling my husband into the OR, I leaned over to kiss him and I said, "I love you. We'll be here waiting for you when the surgery is over," and he looked deeply into my eyes and said, "I love you, too. Don't forget to renew my library books. I forgot."

Sunday, April 24, 2011

the internet is so damn intrusive

I bought a pair of pants online today and the ads for that company has shown up on about six sites that I've checked out since, even my damn StatCounter.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

time for another installment of Good News, Bad News

Good news: Holly is feeling much better these days after the "bone almost kills dog" incident of '11.

So much so that when she was out doing her business early this morning---yeah, this is the bad news--she chased the Easter Bunny and caught him after he deposited the children's baskets on the front stoop of the trailer.

While he made a yummy breakfast for Holly, sadly the offspring were traumatized, which gave me plenty of time to raid their baskets and remove any chocolate likeness of the Easter Bunny. You know, for their own good and all that.

Happy Easter!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

i'm thinking of adding to the family...

NO not another human baby! One can only push out so many of them before the muscles holding the uterus in place cry out for mercy.

Ever since FHB sent me the pics of this sweet little baby giraffe, I've been thinking about getting one for the offspring.

Why not? I have an unused dog pen the back yard. And part of that trampled fence where the one llama that we didn't eat got away.

I think it would be a nice addition to Goddessville! Hmmm, wonder if they're good eatin'...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

not only do we have more fun...

We inspire some of the best jokes....

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them. 

Q: Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don’t know the route.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees, and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"



Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

issues, issues, issues....and yes, I'm STILL bitching about Direct TV!

I downloaded FireFox 4  on my laptop to see if it helps with those endless "stop script" error messages. I'm so sick of them slowing up everything. First thing I opened created a "stop script" error message, BUT instead of hanging up endlessly, when I hit 'stop script' it stopped immediately. I don't know how to fix that mess. I removed add ons which I read might cause that, but I don't know how to get rid of it permanently. I'm thinking of buying another laptop, removing the old hard drive and dumping it all together. I can't close the lid because the hinge is broken. It's hella slow since I had the problems with viruses and I really want one for email and watching vids when Mr. G is using the desktop.  Or he can use it when I'm on the desktop.

We seem to be on the computer more than anything. The only time I watch that crappy $70 a month Direct TV is when I want to watch Y&R at night while Mr. G watches Netflix. We did get a Roku box for Christmas but the picture quality is crap and I'm very disappointed that I can't watch FREE Hulu on Roku. It has to be the paid version. Yeah, I'm really going to add ANOTHER $8 to my tv experience. I don't think so. I'm contacting cable to see if they have any deals on tv alone. I'm not interested in changing internet or phone, just deleting this ridiculous tv bill.

Speaking of the Roku box, here's my big gripe about it: you have to give them your credit card information upon installation IN CASE you want to purchase a video in the future. When I got a recent survey, I blasted them on this issue. IF the Roku box hadn't been a gift, I would have taken it right back to the store. They only need my credit card information WHEN and IF I ever buy a video. Since we used it for Netflix, buying vids wasn't an issue in the first place. Secondly, the picture quality Roku sucks. 

I had to work 12 hours yesterday so of course, Mr. G didn't turn the furnace on all day. It was chilly when I got home, but he was in bed already and he complains that he can't breathe when I have the furnace running and he's trying to sleep. I knew he had to be at work at 3 a.m so I brought my EdenPure into the computer room, shut the door and it was nice and cozy. I heated up my bedroom, too, before bed. Around 4:30, I woke up and the house was FREEZING COLD. I ran to the bathroom, all the while bitching about how cold the house was. Hell, the dog even got up on the bed with me and snuggled under the covers. She laid beside me like a human being and I was laying tight up against her side because she's like a furnace. Before I went back to bed, I RAN downstairs and turned on the furnace then RAN into the living room to check the thermometer: 29 degrees outside and FORTY TWO DEGREES INSIDE. It took two hours for the house to reach sixty degrees!  I was SO MAD because I knew he hadn't run the furnace all day on Friday. 

There's a difference between being frugal and being just plain CRAZY! 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

blonde cancer scare

Ever since I saw a news story that said dogs can sniff out cancer, I've been worried spitless every time my dog starts sniffing around one of my body parts. Not that that's ever a good sign anyway, but usually it just signals the need of a good hott shower.

The other day she was laying on the floor sound asleep and I sat down next to her. She didn't budge. Then I pulled up my pant leg and started scratching the back of my calf because my skin is so dry. My dog immediately got up and started sniffing where I was scratching.

I'm like, "Hey, no big deal, Dog. I have dry skin in the winter like a zillion other people, don't turn it into cancer, Dog!" Then when she kept sniffing, it bugged me so much I called Mr. G into the room and showed him.

He watched for a few seconds, then said, "It doesn't look like she's smelling your calf so much as your fingers where you're scratching."

I said, "Oh, I just finished eating a chocolate chip cookie. Never mind."

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ya gotta love PR people

I just LOVE how the "health" industry is dancing all around the latest news that drinking diet soda causes a higher risk of stroke and heart attacks.

The hilarious part is how they're all acting like they don't know why this is. They know damn well it's the chemical laden artificial sweeteners used in diet sodas that put us at risk. But they're so busy telling us how SAFE the artificial sweeteners are that they can't very well come out and tell us the truth now, can they? Especially since so many people are diabetic and turning to MORE artificial sweetners.

There's a brand new one out on the market that's allegedly just as bad as all the others, and I can't recall the name at the moment.


Let's get real: the only "safe" sweetener is Stevia and the soda companies and food companies are trying really hard to make THAT unhealthy, too, by adding chemical garbage to it, all the while claiming it's pure.

So I've whittled myself down to one Diet Pepsi a day, sometimes I can go two and three days, but this is not even the most tempting time of the year for me. For me, it's the hott days of summer, when I finish cutting grass and all I want to do is come into the house, fill a glass full of ice and cold Diet Pepsi. Now I have to work on giving that up, too. Sigh.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Goddess of the Universe, COME ON DOWN!!

One great thing about having a new computer is that it's loaded with games. Games that I didn't have on my old computer like Scrabble, Monopoly (ok I hate Monolopy) AND The Price is Right!!!

One of the games was called Virtual Family. Puhleeze. I have enough dysfunction in my own REAL family, I don't need to deal with all the drama of a Virtual Family.

So I was playing The Price is Right last night under the ASSumed identity Hans Down. Hans is in the military,and apparently not that smart when it comes to making decisions. Hans decided to pass on a Dodge Caravan in the Showcase Showdown because it came with a cruise and Hans knew that after spending all that time in the military there was no way in hell he was going to step foot on a ship. 


What the hell did Hans end up with? He won a frigging wave runner! What the hell am I going--I mean, what the hell is Hans going to do with a damn wave runner?! The only upside is that it came with a year's supply of Ghiradelli chocolate. Sigh.

BTW, around 1 am-ish my husband stuck his head into the computer room and said, "What are you doing? All I can hear is someone yelling, "Come on down"!" LOLOL!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

i am posting this.....


from my brand spanking new Gateway One, which I HEART!!!!!

Despite the chocolate smudges and the ketchup smears, I LOVE the touchscreen features. There's so much to learn and I'm looking forward to learning new things on my sweet BIG Gateway! AND most of all, it was very affordable at only $700. That's really not bad for all of the features a huge 20" screen. Hell, it's like sitting in front of the TV! BUT I do think NEW COMPUTERS should come fully loaded with Office 2010. That shitty trial garbage is ludicrous.

OH! One thing that amazed me was the wireless keyboard/mouse. Inside the mouse is a TEENY USB receiver that you pull out and stick into the USB port in the back. That sucker is only like an inch in size!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

a little knowledge is a dangerous thing

I'm reading a romance novel and the mother was talking about giving her young son (2 yrs old) chocolate milk. I'm like, "Damn, woman, kids that young can't tolerate cow's milk! Don't be surprised if he gets an ear infection or cold like symptoms!"

A short time later the kid was diagnosed with a double ear infection. WHO couldn't have seen that one coming?! GUH!!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Thursday, January 27, 2011

i can honestly say i've never had THIS problem before!

I have enough money left from our taxes to get a nice laptop AND still be able to save some money, so natch I wanted to get another sweet lil' Gateway. I've had such good luck with the two I've owned in the last 14 years. Yep, two computers in FOURTEEN years! My desktop lasted NINE of those years. My laptop isn't holding out so well, but that's mostly due to virus problems, not hardware issues.

Anywho, I went to the Gateway site, and saw some of the NV series laptops that I'd like to get. I'd like to spend around $600-700 and get a good repair warranty, also. Alas, you can no longer purchase Gateway computers FROM Gateway, because they really stand behind their products have a new system. ALLEGEDLY, you can purchase their computers online from other sources. I just don't happen to know what they are because every time I clicked on the laptop I was interested in and clicked "purchase online" the message I received was "this item is not available online." So then I'd put my zip code in to see where it was available to buy in a store in my area and there was none. 

Ya got some mad salesmanship skilz going on there, Gateway! Now I understand why you no longer sell your own products.

While I often have no money and can't buy a laptop, I can honestly say I've never had the money and not been ABLE to buy a laptop because the computer company was making it so damn hard for me to GIVE THEM MY MONEY.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Eden not so Pure

I received my first electric bill since buying the EdenPure and I will admit I've entertained serious thoughts of drop kicking Bob Villa's ass.

My "usual" electric bill  is around $60-65. In the winter it leans toward the $65 end, and  my bill has ONLY ever been about $10 more in the winter months. I don't know that it has EVER been $80.

I *thought* our bills were going up 16% so that would add on about $9 or $10, so let's say the high end of $75 dollars. My first bill with the EdenPure was $105 and NOW I find out that our electricity is going up 16% OVER THE COURSE OF THE YEAR, so I can't even blame an extra $9 or $10 on that.

I only use the EdenPure in an enclosed space, so it warms fairly quickly, then I turn it down, and it cycles off and on. And I only use it for about three to four hours every evening.

My furnace is 35ish and the EdenPure is brand new, so I figured if would be much cheaper and more efficient to run than my furnace, when in fact, it's almost AS expensive. Plus, for that price, the furnace heats the entire house, not a single room.

My bill almost doubled, and I have to say I'm very disappointed in the Eden (not so) Pure.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

blah blah blah think you'll be gettin' this? nah nah nah



Here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately. Nothing important, mind you, just all consuming.

I read an interview with that religious chubby cheeked Cameron chick who used to be on Full House. While she readily admitted that she talked to the guys on the show on a regular basis, when asked about the Olsen twins, she said that she "never talked to them, for no particular reason." If that doesn't smack of "I'm crazy jealous cuz those skinny bitches became famous despite the fact that  I was a much better actress than they were," I don't know what does. Free yourself, Cameron chick. Jesus loves it when you tell the truth! Admit you're jealous. If I was on that show, I'd want to smack those brats. Let's face it, they weren't even cute. And "you got it, dude"? How dumb is that catch phrase? Makes "who let the dogs out" sound downright scholarly. Now they're gazillionaire fashion designers, despite the fact that they dress like bag ladies. You have every reason to not like them. Praise Jesus.

I thought about Oprah's stupid article on how she gorged on mac and cheese because she was depressed about a movie failure. This after Oprah's stupid article on how she had made peace with food. Discretion. Use it. For the love of all that's creamy and delicious, stop freaking talking about your weight and food and your latest diets, woman! One time when my husband and I were having sex, I admit I was more excited about eating the chocolate body paint than I was about sexing him, but I would NEVER admit to it in a public forum! We get it, you're fat and you don't want to be. Discretion. Use it.

Then my mind wandered like Moses in the desert. I thought about how my dog won't get up on the bed with me early in the morning when I'm awake and I'm trying to coax her up. She waits till I fall asleep then she nudges me with her nose. I also thought about how incredibly cold a dog's nose is on the small of your back at 4 a.m.

NEXT!

I thought about how I've never been a very good saver, and I keep waiting for a savior  to swoop in and rescue me and allow me to live out my days in wealth and luxury. To that end, I've decided to be realistic. No more scratch off lottery ticket retirement plans. Instead, I'm going to back a winning horse: I'm going to invent something that will make me instantly rich. There are tons of feminine hygiene products, and due to very clever advertising, a ton of females thinking they have stinky cooches. So I decided to manufacture: dick soap. I even came up with a catchy name: Dick Soap. And here's the best part, you rub the dick soap in, but you don't have to rinse it off.  You can get clean and jerk off at the same time! Genius, yes? Best part is you won't smell all girly after you whack off. You just smell clean. Then I realized that guys probably don't spend a lot of time worrying that their dicks stink.

Last but certainly least,  I spent some time thinking about that Ke$ha chick who is always singing about getting wasted, partying and having sex with guys. Why don't sexy singer chicks ever write about the importance of going to school and getting a good education? I guess it's easier to rhyme "blah blah blah" than "bachelor's degree".

Now I'm off to think about about how I love little baby ducks, old pick up trucks, slow movin' trains and why anyone would want to see Octomom having sex.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

everything old is new again

My intent when I wrote yesterday's post about the Harlequin ebook I purchased was not to get my money back. I wanted Harlequin to stop the deceptive practice of putting new covers on old books. You do not put a new paint job on an old car and try to sell it as new.  The consumer has a right to know exactly what they're buying.

I also don't want condescending emails sent to placate me. I want this company that I have supported for over 40 years to know that their current practices are unfair to the consumer, and they are going to lose our loyalty.

I don't care what sort of fancy names Harlequin comes up with for it's reissues, but I do feel that the word "REISSUE" needs to appear clearly and plainly on the cover so that the consumer is able to make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to spend money on that book.

That having been said, I want to thank Eleanor Elliot from Harlequin for her candid response and her offer to refund my money. Had I received that sort of email yesterday, I wouldn't have had written about the issue at all. 

But I read the book, and I will pay for it.

However, I sincerely hope that this issue is NOT just addressed on the website as Eleanor suggested in her comment. It needs to be addressed on the book covers because if it isn't, then I have to believe that my earlier assessment that Harlequin is deliberately trying to confuse the consumer is correct, and I don't want to feel that way about about a company that I have respected for so many years.

Monday, January 17, 2011

time for another installment of .....I'M MAD AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

 <---Oooo! I have this one in my library! What about you?


The other day I received an email from Harlequin books telling me that their "best of 2010 ebooks" were on sale for 25% off.

I purchased a book and was reading it on Sunday. I wasn't liking it too much, so I decided to go on Amazon and see what others thought of the book. I usually don't read reviews beforehand because I don't want someone else's views to taint my interpretation of the book.

When I logged onto the site, I noticed a much older cover for the same book. Lo and behold, I discovered my "2010" ebook was really a reprint of a 1997 book!
 
I. WAS. PISSED.

It's bad enough that my four sleeves of Oreos have now shrunk to three, but there's no frickin' way I'm taking this!

I emailed Harlequin to complain and check out their little "blah blah we don't really give a shit" response:
"Thank you for taking the time to e-mail us.
Your comments are greatly appreciated. We at eHarlequin.com take pride in providing the highest quality of service to our vauled and loyal customers. Your feedback is vital to our success. It will help our site to evolve and become more consumer-friendly.
You may check publishing dates on the internet, we do apologize for the misunderstanding.
We are forwarding your comments to our Marketing Division.
If you have any further questions or concerns, please contact us."

Notice what they DIDN'T say? "We feel really bad that you didn't realize this book was a reissue. Here's a credit for the amount you paid."

This is NOT the first time I've bitched to Harlequin about this issue. They reprinted a slew of Christmas books one year and passed them off as new, when in fact they were all at least ten years old.  Now I buy the majority of my Christmas books at used book sales.


I know that I am not the only consumer who has gotten duped in this same manner, so I can only assume that HARLEQUIN IS DELIBERATELY MISLEADING THEIR READERS.

If a book is a reissue it needs to state that clearly on the cover.

Yes, I can "check publishing dates on the internet," but the point is, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. When I receive an email talking about 2010 books, then they need to be 2010 issued. I should be able to tell, simply by looking at the cover that is it an old book.

 So yes, Harlequin, I do have a "further concern": when do you plan to stop screwing over your loyal readers?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

YAY, STEELERS!!

THEY WON  31-24, after being down by 14 at the half!!!!


WHAT A GREAT GAME FOR THE HOMETOWN CROWD!!!!!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wow! Their computer savvy boggles my mind!!

I recently purchased a show on Amazon's Video on Demand and when I played it back, the sound was AWFUL. I explained to the monkeys in tech support that I had the volume on my computer turned up as high as it would go, and the volume on the Amazon Unbox as loud as it would go, but I STILL had a hard time hearing it, even using earplugs.

Check out this genius "tech support" they gave me after I explained all  of the above to them:

Here are some troubleshooting steps:

— Check the sound controls on your Amazon Unbox video player.
— Check the main volume and wave volume of your computer, which will override the volume level on the video player.
— Verify that the mute option is not turned on for any of these volume controls.


Ya know those moments in life when you feel like you're just talking to yourself? You are.

Friday, January 07, 2011

they just don't make 'em like that anymore

Our furnace died last night.

Not to worry, though, because our repairman immediately stepped in and performed furnace CPR.

Our baby has reached the ripe old age of 36 and I can honestly say that in all the years that we've lived in this house--28 to be exact--we've only ever had to have her repaired once before last night. And BOTH times, including last night--THANK YOU, LORD!!--it cost us less than $100 to have her repaired. Strict HIPPA laws (and the fact that I'm blonde) prevent me from going into too much detail about her condition, but I know she needed a new fuel filter and the magnets that have something to do with lighting the flame needed cleaned.

And that's why, when it's time for us to release her to that Great Furnace Repairman in the sky, I'm going to buy another Rheem furnace!!!

THEY ROCK!!!

Sunday, January 02, 2011

his hair was slick and he was slicker

I've read romance novels since I was a wide eyed innocent in high school. Advance ten years later--I said TEN YEARS, DAMN IT!!---and I am still a wide eyed innocent who is getting incredibly sick of some of the same plots being used over and over and over again. I think what angers me so much is that in any romance writing book you read, they tell newbies NOT to used tired plot lines and yet the established writers blatantly do just that and it's acceptable.
First plot line I'm sick of: the hero who suddenly "inherits" a baby and looks to the first female he finds, be it his assistant, his neighbor or his DOG WALKER--worst EVER variation on this plot--and gets her to take care of the child for him. Then he falls for her, but I'm never sure he's in love with her for her or for the free, built in babysitting services.

Second plot line I'm sick of: wealthy CEOs whose daddies suddenly decide they need to marry and have a child immediately. First son to do so will be chosen to run the family business! These story lines usually run in series books because there will be three or four relatives competing against each other to "win". Now we all know that bedding the first chick we see and knocking her up is a well known way to prove your business savvy, and we all know that the best thing a father can do is force his workaholic child to marry and have kids so he can ignore both his wife and his kids, but enough is enough. Just once, I want a HERO--a REAL HERO--to say, "Mind your own damn business, Dad, and while we're on the subject, run your own damn business. I'm striking out on my own because I have a mind of my own." But no, they all kiss Dad's ass by running out and sleeping with a stranger. Oh, excuse me, my bad. A beautiful sexy stranger. Because again, we all know CEO's never marry uglee women.

Third plot line I'm pretty damn fed up with: he was rejected by her when they were younger, now he's as wealthy as a Beverly Hillbilly and she's as po' as Jed used to be before he was out  shootin' at some food and up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. He sweeps in to "save" her when really he's hell bent on destroying her and along the way--ooops!--he falls in love with her all over again. Awwww. Can he get her to fall in love with him again? He can if he treats her cruelly enough! You'd have to be a pretty sick bastard to nurture your anger for years and years, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to destroy someone you "love", but such is the path of a determined stalker romantic. And if he gets her fired from her job or kicked out of her apartment along the way, hey, it's all good, right?


you're not wearing THAT, are you?

Dress pants
I was walking down the aisle at Dollar General the other night when a guy stepped out in front of me from a side aisle.

I immediately gave the universal sound of surprise "whoops!" and stepped back, and when he crossed in front of me, I glanced down at his pants and almost burst out laughing.

NOT dress pants!!

At Christmas, I gave Mr. G two pairs of flannel "sleep pants" which we women appropriately call 'PAJAMAS'. Along with the pants I gave him this warning--the very SAME warning I gave him when I gave him boxer shorts: "If I EVER catch you wearing these in public, I WILL BURN THEM!!!!"

The reason I almost burst out laughing when I saw the dude at DG is because he was wearing the exact same pants I gave my husband and I thought, "Hmm, some lady just lost that battle." Worse than the pants, though, was the fact that Mr. No Fashionsense actually tucked his t-shirt into the pants as if that somewhat legitimized them and made it an "outfit". IT. DID. NOT. He just looked even more ridiculous.