awww, my kids are the BEST!

Now that I've discovered the dentist dispenses DRUGS--yes, the GOOD KIND!!--the offspring have all agreed to ask for prescriptions the next time they go and they're going to give them to me for Mother's Day. Finally a Mother's Day gift suited to my personality.

Isn't that wonderful of them? Too freaking bad the dentist only prescribes four valium at a time, but with sixteen kids, I'll have....ummm, add three, carry the four....well, enough to last me two weeks at least!

You know what upsets me the most about just finding out about dentists and valium? All this time, I've been suffering through my dentist's stupid jokes and shitty bills SOBER!! That is JUST WRONG.

From now on, any procedure I get, I'm asking if drugs are available. I don't care if it's taking the car in for an oil change. HEEEEY! I wonder if the gyne offers drugs? I swear if all those visits sweating it out in the stirrups sober were for naught, I'm going to scream!

JOB. OVER.

And even though I don't have another new job to go to yet and I probably should be panicked about that.....


*insert MUCH CLAPPING & CHEERING here*



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed with a carton of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, a Harlequin romance novel, industrial strength ear plugs and a bottle of Jack. I should regain consciousness some time next week....

*insert MORE CLAPPING & CHEERING here*

my favorite cartoons from childhood

Gawd, I was a friggin' nerd even when it came to cartoons....but note the animal theme!





HR Pufnstuff













And a couple of my grown up favorite cartoons....

I'VE HAD IT!!!!

I canNOT win with my kids. I am SO TIRED of them accusing me of being self-serving and self-absorbed. (Wait, are those two things the same? My Thesaurus is holding up the left front corner of the couch...)

As most of you know, I try sooooo hard to be Mother of the Year--ok I try sooo hard to win that trophy...and I wouldn't turn down the money portion of that award either. Point is, I do anything I can to make my 16 offspring happy.

You know how I mentioned that one of the ways I save money is by buying one Halloween costume that must be shared among two of the offspring? Well, I start searching out bargains as early as I can so I have the costumes all bought by Halloween because you know how picky kids can be. "I don't want to wear Huckleberry Hound! Nobody knows who he is!" Puhleeze. Who doesn't know Huckleberry Hound? He's like coolsville, DaddiO.

So this year, Male Offspring #5 and #6 will have to share a costume. I took into account their personalities and their likes. One likes twine and one likes Jesus, and I bought them this costume, which I think is PERFECT for them:



















And all I asked in return for letting them wear this way groovy costume was that they wear this badge:





















Would you believe they actually turned on me and said the costume was all about me? That I was selfish! ME?! ME?! I don't see it. Those little ungrateful brats.

BTW, I blurred that kid's face out because I don't think he should have to live with the shame of wearing those tight, stretchy pants on the internet for the rest of his life. You just know that seconds after he becomes world famous, someone is going to find this costume picture and humiliate the hell out of him.

fall from grace

When we were at the Pittsburgh Zoo last fall, there was a sign at the elephant exhibit comparing the height/weight of the animals to other species, including people, namely Ben Roethlisberger.

Apparently folks got a bit pissed about that, considering his much talked about troubles and the Zoo removed his name & likeness from the exhibit and replaced him with Mario Lemieux.

It's funny because I remember reading that aloud as we passed because I had no idea Roethlisberger was 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Geez, you know it's bad when the Zoo folks aren't happy with you.

And speaking of really shitty things in Pittsburgh....sigh.

i thank God for all the handy men in this world

A piece broke off of the weed eater, and I called to order it, thinking the number on it was the part number.

Turned out it wasn't.

The guy said, "Let's try this, what does the part do?"

Sigh.

Doesn't he know I'm BLONDE, damn it?!

I said, "Ok, but this isn't going to be pretty. You start the weed eater, then you press this thingy and that makes the thingy with the cord in it go around."

He said, "And which thingy do we want?"

I said, "The thingy you press."

He said, "Ok, that thingy is a throttle trigger."

I looked online a while ago and found it. Lo and behold, he was exactly right!

Yay!

Fox renews 'Cops' for 23rd season

Fox is renewing one of the longest-running shows in primetime, "Cops," for a 23rd season.

The show will soon celebrate its 800th episode on the network and has shown 2,044 arrests across 140 U.S. cities.

"We're doing gangbusters," creator John Langley said. "It's an existential variety show -- dramatic, life-threatening, philosophical and legal. We're still the only show on television with no script, no actors, no host and no re-enactments."

Despite its age, the franchise also ranks as one of the few primetime broadcast series to maintain its ratings this year. Although Friday shows have been declining, Saturday night's "Cops" continues to rake in a steady 5 million viewers per week and a 1.7 rating in the adult demo.

Launched in 1989, the show has changed little over the years and outlived a legion of imitators. Most recently, A&E's "Steven Seagal Lawman" drew comparisons to the Fox show. Langely said he isn't a fan of "Lawman," where cameras follow Seagal on duty with a Louisiana sheriffs department.

READ ENTIRE ARTICLE HERE

yes, i'm this bored

I NEVER do meme's but I stole this from Weink....


1. The first thing I do in the morning is Hit my snooze button. I have it timed out exactly so I can hit it four times. Don't ask me why I don't just get up. I feel like I'm getting something EXTRA by hitting the snooze.
2. Every night before bed I Say my night prayers and read either a romance or self-help book, and try to think of something I can add to the plot of my romance novel in the making.
3. My favorite thing to do when I'm having a bad day is Eat some food that feels comforting, but is really bad for me, like macaroni and cheese or something yeasty and blogging about it helps, too.
4. Something that makes me cringe is People who are outright rude and seemingly oblivious to the fact.
5. Social situations Let's just avoid those, thank you very much.
6. I like to collect BOOKS!!!
7. Weekends are for Sleeping in till noon on Saturday with the dog, walking with my husband on Sunday and then relaxing.

I gave my notice today

I was watching Oprah today and she was talking to people who were working their dream jobs. One woman said, "I love my job. I've never sat on the edge of the bed and said I didn't want to go to work today."

Well, that would describe at least one day a week for me since I took this day job back in October. Dear Lord, has it been THAT LONG?!

So, when the opportunity presented itself today, I gave notice. I've been hoping for another job to open up and supposedly it's going to in May, but now I'm at the point where I don't even care. I was trying to hang on until the last minute but this job is JUST. KILLING. MY. SOUL.

From the very first day the bitter old woman told me I "wasn't worth" what she was paying me, as if she was paying me $5000 an hour. My stomach just sank and I felt utter despair. And that's no exaggeration.

Well, I gutted it out all these months, but I've totally had it. I'm moving on to someone who will appreciate me and to a job I LOVE. I just know it and I accept it as true. And so it is.

he said, she said

Since Mr. G and I paid off da trailer...YAY!...we've been putting the money that we normally paid on the mortgage into savings. Well, my work has been really shitty lately and the bills are piling up with all the car inspections and registrations coming due.

Sunday when we were walking, he said, "Last night I was laying in bed thinking that instead of putting the money in savings, we better spend it on inspections and registration because we're going to be too far behind financially since the taxes are due, along with the car stuff and all our regular bills."

I said, "You know what I was thinking about in bed last night? Last winter, when I took out all the hats and gloves, you didn't have one pair of gloves. Then I bought you three pair this winter. Yesterday when I was rounding up all the winter stuff to store, I didn't find ONE PAIR of gloves for you. And I'm not buying new gloves next winter!"

He said, "THAT'S what you think about in the middle of the night?!"

I said, "Yes, three o'clock in the morning, I'm laying there trying to figure out how you could have lost three pairs of gloves!"

Then he said a tad sarcastically, "I'm so glad all of our REAL problems have been solved that this is all you have to think about..."

Hey, they were damn nice gloves I bought him and I STILL don't know where they are!

dirty joke o' the day

Q. How does Popeye keep his favorite tool from rusting?

A. He puts it in Olive Oyl.

Freebie joke!

Q. What is the most popular four letter word used in a brothel?

A NEXT!

dirty joke o' the day

Q. What should you get for the girl who has everything?

A. Penicillin

Bonus Joke!

Q. What do you call a masturbating bull?

A. Beef Stroganoff

have a blessed day

woof woof

BG sent me a link to this book, and I won't give the name because it's just coming out and it might be a very good book.

However, the description leaves much to be desired. Here it is from Amazon:

"The long, lean deputy couldn't hide his fascination with the mystery lady he'd discovered. Something about her vulnerability, her wistfulness drew Brady Donovan as no one else ever had. In fact, when she left the hospital, he named her "Lass" and brought her to his family's ranch to finish recuperating.

But as the attraction between them grew, Brady fought contradictory urges. He wanted to claim Lass as his own—but what if she was already spoken for? Why was she abandoned on the side of the road—and why was no one searching for her? In the end, would Brady's own heart be lost…or found?"

He named her "Lass"? He brought her home to his ranch to recuperate? She was abandoned on the side of the road? At times, it's hard to tell if they're talking about a woman or a dog!

BTW, naming a woman "Lass"? Wow, that took a lot of thought....LOL!

plop plop fizz fizz oh what a sweet drink it is

Remember my post of not that long ago about Fizzies and how much we loved them as kids?

Oddly enough, my husband came home from grocery shopping the other day and said, "Guess what they had at the store?! FIZZIES!"

I didn't have to ask if he bought any, he was so damn thrilled to see them return. They had grape but no root beer. My husband learned quickly the first rule of good Fizzies: icy cold water. Lukewarm grape just doesn't cut it.

This weekend, Female Offspring #1 came home for Easter and said, "What's the big deal with these Fizzies?" Apparently her father hit her up with the "guess what they had at the store?!" story, too.

I said, "For you, a generation who had access to soda and Kool Aid any time you wanted it, nothing. For those of us who didn't get all the soda we wanted, they were a huge deal."

She said, "The no soda thing was that because Grandma was too cheap or they didn't have soda when you were little?"

I said, "Puhleeze, don't even try that "older than dirt"shit with me. EVERYTHING I lacked in my childhood--yes, including that freaking Chrissy doll!!--was because Grandma was too cheap."

Then I tried to explain to her how thrilling it was to have at your disposal eight delicious glasses of something OTHER than water or milk or gawd forbid, powdered milk, simply by dropping a little tablet into water. She. Just. Didn't. Get. It.