Here’s a list of observations after watching one too many holiday movies:
1. Why are the stressed out, overworked people always ad execs?
2. Angels ARE NOT people and people DO NOT turn into angels.
3. Exactly what is Santa’s “naughty or nice” criteria?
4. How many people really come back from the dead at Christmastime? I only know of one, maybe two in my family.
5. If Santa keeps all the letters children write forever, he must have one hell of a filing system.
6. Santa has one hell of a filing system.
7. Why does Santa get all hissy and refuse to work? He only works one farking day a year! And really, the elves get stuck with all the labor.
8. Why does Mrs. Claus always nag? “Dress warmly, Nick. You’ll catch a cold, Nick.” He lives at the North Pole. If he hasn’t caught a cold by now, he never will.
9. Why does everyone around Santa always kiss his ass? Reminds of that Twlight Zone ep with Billy Mumy, “Don’t send me into the cornfield!”
10. Can’t the true meaning of Christmas EVER be gifts? Must it always be about the LOVE?
11. The joy of giving–--could there BE a crappier gift?!
12. Apparently, the secret to a really happy “holiday” movie is to pile miserable life circumstance upon miserable life circumstance until the viewer is so depressed, they’re considering suicide.
13. What exactly IS Mrs. Claus' job besides baking cookies? She has no kids and it's clear the elves do all the work!
14. Speaking of Mrs. Claus, why can't SHE ever deliver the presents when Santa can't? No, the job always falls to one of the kids. Hey, Fatboy, ever heard of Women's Lib?!
15. Why does Tom Arnold persist in thinking he's an "actor"?