Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I have a new toy!!

No, no that horrible thing pictured to the left...

I ordered dental picks on Amazon and I spent the last fifteen minutes cleaning the tartar/plaque off my teeth. Mostly it collects around the front and back of my bottom front teeth. From eye tooth to eye tooth. But they're sparkly clean now! I love it!
Now I'm going to charge the offspring $25 to do their teeth. I'll save by undercutting my dental hygienist 50%.

I haven't had my teeth cleaned professionally in two years--yaya, shuddup about that 'every six months' bull shit--but I have to go to the dentist on Friday to get my cap impression made and I KNOW that jackass is going to look at my chart first thing and ask me when I've had my teeth cleaned last. As if he can't READ.

I HATE going, so when I don't HAVE to go, I don't. But I should have my teeth cleaned after I pay the thousand bucks for this doggone tooth, and I *probably* will.

When I lost a cap a few weeks back, the hygienist said, "Are you getting your teeth cleaned somewhere else?"

Yes, I'm seeing another hygienist behind your back, dipshit.

Good Lord, I can't stand going to HER, let alone ANOTHER hygienist. Think about it, IF I was going somewhere else, why would I be sitting in her chair?

She said, "Oh you just haven't had them cleaned in a long time?" I thought, "Hmmm, if you can't tell from looking at them, then they mustn't look too bad."

She's freaking annoying because she's one of these people who will try to get you to schedule your NEXT appointment before she's even cleaned your teeth for your CURRENT appointment. Plus the last time she cleaned my teeth, she kept me there for FORTY FIVE MINUTES yammering on and on about her past love life. ASK ME IF I GIVE A SHIT. I am so nervous in the chair that you could talk to me about a new technique that GUARANTEED mind blowing orgasms and I WOULDN'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. The worst part is that she's one of these people who don't have the ability to work and talk at the same time, so every time she recalled some sappy romantic moment from the past, she sat back and gazed at the ceiling as she talked. GUH!

I also only have one Valium left and that worries me. Last time I took 2 and a half Valium, total of 12.5 milligrams, I was so anxious, I never felt a thing. I think I need a damn horse tranquilizer to get me through this.

It's the DRILLING that gets to me: the sound echoing in my head, the sensations, the metal smell, that water spraying onto my face as the drill bores into my teeth. ICK!

The most bizarre thing about my dentist? He has these idiotic airplane mobiles dangling above our heads like all of his patients are five years old. I just want to reach up and yank the damn things down, and then tell him it was an "accident." He USED to have this really stupid wall paper in front of the chairs that took up the entire wall and looked like you were ready to walk down a path through the forest. I thought I was a piss poor interior decorator...

So my question is this: is there anyone on this planet, anyone in the blogosphere who does NOT get scared when they have to go to the dentist and what is your strategy? I've tried hypnosis cds, EFT and Valium/Xanax and I still get all worked up when I think about it. I'd drink myself into a stupor but I'm afraid my breath might offend the dentist.


Meadowlark said...

I'm in your camp. Except my new dentist prescribes Valium (forget that Xanax crap) and will give me nitrous as well. Mostly because the first time I saw her she took my blood pressure (this was a day I wasn't having anything except Xrays done) and it ran about 155 over 110. Normally 104 over 82.

And yup... it's the drilling. Aargh!!! Good luck with this.

Anonymous said...

I don't fear the dentist. I actually bummed that I have to move away from my childhood dentist. My brother and I loved him so much, we wanted him to be our father. :-) But, we have great teeth (well, I do anyway), and neither of us feared him. He was gentle, kind and was very good at his job. He understood when he was close to causing pain and pulled back. And he'd make sure we understood everything that he was about to do beforehand and why it had to be done. If we were scared, he would help us get over that, but that was very rare. I guess we're freaks like that. And besides, I only went to him a few times a year. My brother, however, I swear junked up his teeth just so he could go visit with the hot hygienists. He's such a pig. :-)


Deputy's Wife said...

My anxiety shot THROUGH THE FREAKING ROOF just reading this! I haven't had my teeth cleaned in probably fiver years because I get so worked up over having to go. Babygirl needs a spacer put in and I keep canceling her appointment cause it stresses me the hell out and I'm not even in the chair. I'm gonna try the valium next time, I might just take the whole bottle so I don't feel a thing. :)

BRUNO said...

I like the mint-flavored "floss-picks", by Oral-B. They do a great-job of keeping all TWELVE of my teeth yellow, chipped, but---"clean-b-t'ween"!

Todays' trips to the dentist actually make me feel YOUNG again!

Why? Because when I was a lot YOUNGER, I pretty-much got the shit knocked outta me, at least weekly!

An' the dentist-visit gives me that fat-lip feeling that simply screams of YOUTH...!☺

*Goddess* said...

Thanks, Meadowlark, nice to know I'm not alone. I've never had my BP taken, but I remember when I went to the gyne for the first time after I had Female Offspring #1. I put it off for weeks because I was so afraid of the pain--I don't care WHAT they say, you don't forget labor pains!! And I thought the exam was going to hurt. When they took my BP it was 200/160. They made me wait in the exam room afterwards and have it retaken because they said I was in the "stroke zone". After the exam, it was right back down in the "PHEW! It's all over!" zone:)

And once again, that Valium didn't phase me...sigh.

*Goddess* said...

My previous dentist was like that, Stacey, very fatherly and calm. But I was still afraid. I was much better with him because he had a soothing energy. Unfortunately, my dentist has a lot of nervous energy and so do I. The two clash something awful!

*Goddess* said...

Dep's Wife, my previous dentist told me NEVER to bring the offspring to his office because I was too wired for sound! He said they'd pick up on that and he preferred they come with my parents, who were fairly calm. Probably because they had very few of their own teeth left at that!

*Goddess* said...

Bruno, if that's all it takes, I'm telling Jeff to give you a fat lip next time he visits:) It'll serve you right for a laughing at his "wasp situation"!

BRUNO said...

Ahh, YES---but YOU read it, and laughed, too...!☺