Saturday, July 31, 2010

who said Kim Kardashian could never be a role model??

Take that all you naysayers!

i thee will think about wedding thou

Well, well, well, who could have seen this coming? Apparently Levi Johnston impregnated his former gf before he reconciled with Bristol Palin. Geez, and he seemed like such a swell, stand up guy.

My favorite line in this article?

"Palin is so upset that she's rethinking her upcoming nuptials with Johnson, the father of her son, sources said."

You go, gurl! You THINK about it! Don't cancel it! Don't admit to yourself that the guy is a total jerk and you and your child deserve better, just THINK ABOUT CANCELING. Because I bet he's gonna change entirely when you marry him. And if he doesn't---"if"...LOLOLOLOL!--you can always go on the Dr. Phil show and cry about how you've been wronged and you never saw it coming.

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, gawd, I need some tissues to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I don't know if you've noticed.....

But Blogger has recently added some very decent stats.

To check yours out, go to blogger in click on the stats link. Best part is you don't even have to install anything. It's all there, ready to go!

They've also added the "share" buttons that I've been looking for FOREVER. You'll see them below each post, like you see below. Now when someone posts something you want to share on your Facebook, it just requires a click of a button:)

Very cool, Google!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I have a new toy!!

No, no that horrible thing pictured to the left...

I ordered dental picks on Amazon and I spent the last fifteen minutes cleaning the tartar/plaque off my teeth. Mostly it collects around the front and back of my bottom front teeth. From eye tooth to eye tooth. But they're sparkly clean now! I love it!
Now I'm going to charge the offspring $25 to do their teeth. I'll save by undercutting my dental hygienist 50%.

I haven't had my teeth cleaned professionally in two years--yaya, shuddup about that 'every six months' bull shit--but I have to go to the dentist on Friday to get my cap impression made and I KNOW that jackass is going to look at my chart first thing and ask me when I've had my teeth cleaned last. As if he can't READ.

I HATE going, so when I don't HAVE to go, I don't. But I should have my teeth cleaned after I pay the thousand bucks for this doggone tooth, and I *probably* will.

When I lost a cap a few weeks back, the hygienist said, "Are you getting your teeth cleaned somewhere else?"

Yes, I'm seeing another hygienist behind your back, dipshit.

Good Lord, I can't stand going to HER, let alone ANOTHER hygienist. Think about it, IF I was going somewhere else, why would I be sitting in her chair?

She said, "Oh you just haven't had them cleaned in a long time?" I thought, "Hmmm, if you can't tell from looking at them, then they mustn't look too bad."

She's freaking annoying because she's one of these people who will try to get you to schedule your NEXT appointment before she's even cleaned your teeth for your CURRENT appointment. Plus the last time she cleaned my teeth, she kept me there for FORTY FIVE MINUTES yammering on and on about her past love life. ASK ME IF I GIVE A SHIT. I am so nervous in the chair that you could talk to me about a new technique that GUARANTEED mind blowing orgasms and I WOULDN'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. The worst part is that she's one of these people who don't have the ability to work and talk at the same time, so every time she recalled some sappy romantic moment from the past, she sat back and gazed at the ceiling as she talked. GUH!

I also only have one Valium left and that worries me. Last time I took 2 and a half Valium, total of 12.5 milligrams, I was so anxious, I never felt a thing. I think I need a damn horse tranquilizer to get me through this.

It's the DRILLING that gets to me: the sound echoing in my head, the sensations, the metal smell, that water spraying onto my face as the drill bores into my teeth. ICK!

The most bizarre thing about my dentist? He has these idiotic airplane mobiles dangling above our heads like all of his patients are five years old. I just want to reach up and yank the damn things down, and then tell him it was an "accident." He USED to have this really stupid wall paper in front of the chairs that took up the entire wall and looked like you were ready to walk down a path through the forest. I thought I was a piss poor interior decorator...

So my question is this: is there anyone on this planet, anyone in the blogosphere who does NOT get scared when they have to go to the dentist and what is your strategy? I've tried hypnosis cds, EFT and Valium/Xanax and I still get all worked up when I think about it. I'd drink myself into a stupor but I'm afraid my breath might offend the dentist.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


To date. at least ten people have sent me this damn link.

Let me just say this much, people: I'd rather die this way than keel over from a heart attack while doing yard work.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

well gosh gee golly whiz

Well, gosh, I'm just so happy for Bristol Palin. Seems she and Levi are back together and planning to get married no matter what her mother says. Good old Bristol. She's always had a level head on her shoulders, no impetuousness there.

I think it's wonderful because he was just a model young man after they broke up. Posing for Playboy, saying skank things about her and her family, not visiting his child and doing anything to make a name for himself.

I'm sure they are gonna be super duper happy together for the rest of their lives! Or twelve months, whichever comes first...

Monday, July 12, 2010

keepin' it REAL

I was watching Hot in Cleveland last night and there was a scene between Huey Lewis and Wendi Malick. She played an aging groupie and she went to Huey's suite to make out with him, as they tried to recreate their glory days.

First he tried to have sex with her on the credenza and yelled, "Oh, gawd, my knee!" Then he threw her onto the couch and she screamed, "My back!" Then they both tried to get up at the same time and she yelled, "My hair! It's caught in something!" and he said, "It's my Medic Alert bracelet."

LOL! Now THAT'S real sex between middle aged folks:)Not like that crap you see in porn where everyone is perfect.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

go go go in my Hoveround!

From where I sit at my desk at work every day--YES, I have a full time job that I LOVE!!! WORD!--I see a guy Hoveround down the street. I've affectionately nicknamed him, "GuyWhoIsTooHeavyToWalkSoHeRidesDownTheStreetEveryDayToTheDollarStoreTo
Now, he is not to be confused with "GuyWhoIsTooOldToDriveACarSoHeHoveroundsToTheStoreEveryDayOnThe

Every time I see GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF I wonder what his life is like. I wonder how old he is, if he has family. I wonder what kind of junk food he buys. I wonder who the sap is that WALKS along side him every day in the sweltering heat.

Lately, when I see him--GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF, not GWITOTDACSHHTTSEDOTMHAPIAC--I have this overwhelming urge to run outside, jump on the back of his Hoveround and yell "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" all the way down the street and into the dollar store because YES!! he drives INTO THE STORE. That is so unfair that my lazy ass has to WALK through the store while his drives through. And remember how the cops confiscated MY Hoveround and put it in that horrible impound lot when I drove it on the highway? Why doesn't GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF's get confiscated? Granted, I did have two of my offspring hanging off the sides, but STILL that's no reason take take my beloved scooter away from me and force me to walk like a poor person. I have rights! And the right to get too fat to walk is one of them!

Friday, July 02, 2010

just stuff

I think it's pretty funny that my local electric company has "outage assistance" ONLINE. I'm guessing that if my electricity isn't on, my computer & internet isn't going to be either...

Female Offspring #3 showed me an ad in the local paper for mausoleum crypts for two for only $4,800. Hell, that's more than I paid for the trailer. Hmmmmm, maybe I should just have the offspring "inter" us in the trailer! Lord knows we're pretty much buried under a pile of "stuff" as it is. And I don't think any of them will notice if we suddenly disappear. Permanently.

So we poured yet another $150 into the front brakes of my Rio this week, bringing the grand total to almost $900, including the brake work we had last year and half of this year. The mechanic tossed a paper into my car explaining the disc pad and brake shoe burnish procedure. My favorite part is where it says that I'm to make 20 complete stops and NO PANIC STOPS. Ummm, if a car or a tree jumps out in front of me, new brake shoes or not, I'm making a freaking PANIC STOP whether I want to or not. After all, isn't that the definition of a panic stop?!

We paid $250 to have the front brake shoes and pads replaced last March, so it ranks me that they're bad already. He said, "Oh, it was just one side." Ranks me anyway because they have to replace both sides. However, the guy who does the billing neglected to tell me that the shoes had a two year warranty. Thank goodness I hang on to my receipts. That's $82 I can spend on food or prescriptions. Ok, booze and porn.