Friday, June 25, 2010

if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with

I will admit, I've always thought Mr. Ed was rather attractive in his writer glasses..........
After he was told to quit molesting a horse, a 37-year-old Covington man jumped on a second and then a third animal, police said Thursday.

Byron Christopher Jordan, who was wearing only pajama bottoms, was arrested Tuesday and charged with bestiality after Covington police arrived at the home on Lunsford Circle.

At about 9 a.m. Tuesday a neighbor witnessed Jordan having sex with a horse and alerted her husband to what she saw, Lt. Wendell Wagstaff told the AJC.

The neighbors were afraid to call 911 at first because they thought dispatchers might think it was a joke, Wagstaff said.

"When you see something like that, you do a double-take," Wagstaff said.

The neighbors also alerted the owner of the horses, who told Jordan to get off one of his animals, Wagstaff said.

"He got off that horse but he got on another one," Wagstaff said.

Then Jordan apparently did it again, Wagstaff said. The owner told Jordan to get off horse No. 2, and Jordan did but then got on a third horse, police said.

"He literally had to go down and peel him off the [third] horse," Wagstaff said of the horses' owner, who police have not named.

Jordan was charged with bestiality, a felony in Georgia, and with giving an officer a false name. He was released on bond from the Newton County jail late Wednesday, according to jail records. If convicted on bestiality charges Jordan could serve up to five years in prison.


And now, for you listening pleasure........

Saturday, June 12, 2010

maybe I'm too much of a romantic but....

I don't think ANY of these guys are Jesus. I think He's gonna be much better looking than these clowns. And I don't think Jesus is going to sell us anything or wear expensive white suits. I also don't think Jesus is going to take advantage of people by making them work for Him all week and only earn $2 a day. Most importantly, I don't think Jesus is going to have the sleaze factor these guys do.

I've never seen one of these faux Jesus losers yet who live in poverty or live below their means like Jesus would.

How does that song go? "It's all about the money, It's all 'bout the dum dum deedle dum dum.......

Monday, June 07, 2010

A game of cards, anyone?

You know who pisses me off? Stephen Baldwin.

Clever losers like Stephen Baldwin have ruined it for not so clever losers like me.

Here’s my problem: I can’t get a job because I basically want to lay around all day watching reality tv and insulting people on reality tv. I could never admit that, despite the fact that I just did. No, I need a "card", because today, the name of the game is "How To Avoid Personal Responsibility!"

I’m not fat enough to play the weight card since I am still capable of using my legs to get around. (I don’t bother though. That’s why God invented Hoveround.) Another test to see if you're "not fat enough" is whether or not you can walk through WalMart without getting winded or riding one of those public transportation scooters.

I’m white, so I can’t play the race card.

I’m straight, so I can’t play the gay card.

I’m a blonde female, so I can’t play the mentally incompetent card. (I tried.)

What card is left for someone like me?

Enter Stephen Baldwin, true genius.

Yeah, bet you never thought you’d hear those words in the same sentence, did ya?

Stephen has racked up a lot of debt through the years and now he’s claiming he can’t find work because he’s CHRISTIAN. That’s right, he’s not admitting that he’s a third rate actor riding on his brother’s coat tails, who lived beyond his means, can’t manage his finances and is now looking for a free ride. Noooo, he’s playing….THE JESUS CARD!! Step aside so the lightening doesn't strike you.

Just call Stephen “Ballsy McBallserson Balldwin”.

In an article on his religion, Baldwin said, “Do you know what that calling is? To stand up in a new and hard core, radical way for the Lord. In the process, if I insult a couple of people, if I offend a couple of people, and if I got to shake it up a little bit, as long as it is led by the Holy Spirit, amen.”

And if I can get rich idiots to pay my bills while I preach the Gospel according to Stephen, amen.

The “All That Know Him” movement has decided that poor Stephen needs help because he’s basically being persecuted for being a Christian in today’s world. They even go so far as to compare him to Job. (That’s “Job” from the Bible, not “job”, which is what I’m actively looking to avoid while still collecting an income.) The “Restoration of Stephen Baldwin” website wants YOU--the people who do work and manage their finances responsibly--to donate to help “restore” Stephen’s “career”.

What career?! The only career Stephen had was being actor Alec’s younger brother and the son of a breast cancer survivor with a breast cancer foundation that gets attention because her son Alec was an actor.

Now here’s the ironic thing about this whole movement: this movement want to “restore” Stephen’s millions so that he can preach to Hollywood because "Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group." Good thing Jesus never hung out with His carpenter crowd in Hollywood. They soooo would have laughed at Him because of His lack of fundage. So to sum it all up, Stephen needs money to preach to those with money that God is all that matters. Wonder how much Alec has donated to this worthy cause?

You know who I blame for my current situation?

My siblings.

Not one of those lazy phuckers became famous. Insurance agent? Collections agent? Bank teller? Janitor? Puhleeze! If even one of those jackasses had bothered to become a celeb, I would be sucking fame’s hind teat right now. I would be selling my very soul—and my sibling’s fabricated “true” life story—to the National Enquirer so that I could continue to lay on the couch, watch tv, eat and pay my bills.

So now I ask you: WHAT CARD CAN I PLAY?!

UPDATE: Just after I published this, I saw a story about a woman who was fired from her job at Citibank for being "too attractive". She said everything about her was "so distracting".

I think I just found my card!!

Hmm, wonder if I can get disability for being too attractive....

Sunday, June 06, 2010

I'll have a double soy latte.....

I was reading an article about a uniformed police officer from Portland who was thrown out of a coffee house.

I couldn't help but think it was a good thing the cop was white, otherwise Jesse Jackson would have had one hell of a dilemma on his hands...

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I don't get it

Sarah Ferguson says she could NEVER ask her ex husband for money because they're divorced. Yet she had no problem promising access to him in exchange for $40,000 behind his back. And when the guy agreed to $40k, she tried to up it to $700k.

She keeps going on and on about how she got a shitty deal in her divorce settlement. But then in the next breath, she'll talk about what good friends she is with her ex.

Hell, if they're such good friends, why wouldn't you ask the rich bastard to float you some money?! He's wealthy and the father of her kids.

I don't get it. Unless he knows where her money is really going.

my new job!

You know how life sometimes presents us with opportunities?

I'm torn.

Should I:
A. Go into the license plate photocopying business?
B. The Band Aid selling business?
C. The front porch living room furniture business?

Thanks for sending, Bugs!