Wednesday, March 31, 2010

stop running these damn commercials!!

They make me sad!!!!

But I love voice of the dog in this one. It's purrfect! I love when the dog "says," "I've done nothing--uh oh." LOL!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

dirty joke o' the day

Q. Why was Frosty the Snowman smiling?

A. Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

Bonus joke!

Q. What is the best part of sex education?

A. Boning up for the finals!

i had to freeze frame this shot

from Four Christmases because it just looked like something Bruno or Mushy would have on their wall.............

let's all go to the lobby

I had an unexpected day off thanks to the very manipulative PITA that I work for now, but I was able to relax and enjoy it, watching two of my Netflix choices, Four Christmases and Planet 51.

Planet 51 was cute, but it lacked a little a plot. An astronaut from earth lands on this alien planet, which is stuck in the 50's. Then he spends the next hour and a half trying to get back home. Ummm, what the HELL did he come for in the first place? There was no plot explanation for his arrival whatsoever.

My favorite part of this movie was when the astronaut's iPod fell out of the spaceship onto the ground and started playing 'The Macarena'. The aliens all fell to the ground holding their ears and moaning in pain. Their commander said, "I've never seen such a heinous weapon. We are up against a cruel enemy."

Favorite lines from Planet 51? Glad you asked.
Skiff: "With all due respect, I've put in the hours and done a lot of alien research at work."
Lem: "What are you talking about? You work in a comic book store."
Skiff: "The greatest source of scientific knowledge."

Then I watched 'Four Christmases' starring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. This was a surprisingly good movie considering it starred Vince Vaughn. Kate (Reese) and Brad (Vince) enjoyed spending their Christmases on trips, away from their families, avoiding any hassles, avoiding any real ties to each other. Unfortunately their families saw them on TV talking about how their flights had been canceled due to heavy fog, and they got roped into spending Christmas with each of their parents and their extended families. The ending was very funny, too.

Favorite line from this movie?
"You can't spell 'families' without 'lies'." LOL!! Reminds me of one of my all time favorite lines from a Christmas show, "My mama said Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries!" from Donkey in Shrek the Halls.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

get a life

My main website got hacked and some msg about Allah Akbaar was left in it's place.

Gotta love those non-destructive, "peace loving" Islamic people, huh?

Friday, March 26, 2010

love it!

Here's a song I listened to over and over as a kid--yeah, I totally recognized this 45!--and even though I had no idea what it was about, I still remember all the lyrics. Songs are weird that way. They seem to stay in your head a LOOOONG time. What brought it to mind was I just finished watched 'The Hangover' and it was on the soundtrack.

Anyway, I read this about the song from it's author: "It came from two Indian chants that I put music to. “Iko Iko” was like a victory chant that the Indians would shout. “Jock-A-Mo” was a chant that was called when the Indians went into battle." Don't know if it's true or not.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

no, no, NO!!!!

I'm sorry, but the very LAST THING I want to see as I'm guiltily woofing down a Whopper is my OWN DAMN FACE staring back at me!! What is this? Some sort of sick weight loss plan?!

I told my husband and this and ever the practical guy, he said, "Why don't they just lower prices?"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

this is some slick thinkin' here

Carly A. Houston was taken to the Naperville police station over the weekend, after she allegedly became embroiled in a heated, early morning dispute with a taxicab driver.

A police officer dutifully supplied the 29-year-old Chicago woman with a telephone, instructing her she could make one call to find a relative or friend who could come to the station to post her bail.

Instead, Houston used her call to dial 911, which immediately connected her to Naperville police dispatchers. She pleaded for help, complaining she was "trapped inside the detention facility," police said Monday.

Which, in turn, earned her another criminal charge, this one for making a false 911 report.

Houston's troubles began about 1:40 a.m. Sunday, when police were called to the BP service station at 901 N. Washington St., police Cmdr. Mike Anders said.

A cab driver there told police he had picked Houston up near the city's downtown, and that she had instructed him to drive north on Washington Street, Anders said.

When the driver asked for her specific destination, Houston allegedly "yelled, screamed, cursed and extended (both) middle fingers at the cab driver and threatened bodily harm" against him, Anders said. He stopped at the gas station, where employees and patrons were also "alarmed and disturbed" by her reputed behavior, he said.

Police "tried to intervene and reason with Ms. Houston" and persuade her to pay her $6.60 fare from downtown to the station, as the driver wanted nothing more to do with her at that point, Anders said. She allegedly refused to pay and continued with her disruptive behavior, at which point police arrested her and placed her inside a squad car, he said.

Houston was then taken to the police station for processing. While there at 3:10 a.m., Houston allegedly used a phone to call 911 "to report she's trapped inside the Naperville police detention facility," Anders said.

In addition to making a false 911 report, Houston was charged with theft of labor or services, criminal trespass to land and disorderly conduct. All of the charges are misdemeanors.

Houston was ultimately released on bail. Anders said she has an April 20 arraignment date scheduled in DuPage County Circuit Court in Wheaton.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010


You can go to jail for this sort of thing?!

Holy shit, if anything happened to Mr. G this was how I planned to live out my years in style....

Damn it, now what am I going to do? Working and saving is totally OUT of the question.

Guess it's back to Retirement Plan B: scratch off lottery tickets. Sigh.

Monday, March 22, 2010

dirty joke o' the day

Q. What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

A. Several drinks.

And a bonus joke!

Q. What do you call two homosexuals named "Bob"?

A. Oral Roberts

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I don't know what they're saying on this page, but....

I would LOVE to meet this swimsuit model and shake his........"hand".........several times.

Gia felt I should add a NWS disclaimer. Whoops, never thought of it!


I hope to God I never end up in a nursing home because I swear the doctors are using the elderly as guinea pigs.

My M-I-L received ANOTHER flu shot this week, and everyone knows flu season is OVER. How can they possibly justify this?

No fucking wonder health care costs are through the roof in this country.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all"

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

O brother

I was standing in line at Dollar General buying my chemical filled Diet Pepsi and there was an O Magazine on the stand beside the checkout counter.

The caption read, "The Battle is Over," Oprah. "How She Ended Her War With Food."

Really? The war is over, huh?

So we don't EVER have to hear about her weight again, RIGHT? We don't ever have to hear from her "expert" exercise guy Bob again, RIGHT? We don't ever have to hear from her latest chef again, RIGHT? Excuse my skepticism, but we have gone down this road so many times that I know exactly where all the potholes are.

Yeah, I'll believe it when I don't hear it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

dirty joke o' the day

Q. Why did the college boy keep pouring shots of booze on his hand?

A. He was trying to get his date drunk

LOL! Ok, now THAT was funny:)

And a bonus joke:

Q. What is the difference between love and herpes?

A: Love might not last forever

Saturday, March 13, 2010

oooo, I can't wait!

Yeah, I know I'm not five years old anymore, but I've loved all the Shrek movies AND Shrek the Halls is one of my very favorite Christmas shows.

I love how Puss has 'fatted up'! lol

Noooooooo! I need all the sleep I can get!

Although this rabbit seems bitter and confused, trust me when I tell you, tonight it's time to "Spring Forward" and set the clocks ahead one hour.

I'd love to shove my foot up Bush's ass for messing with my sleep!

Friday, March 12, 2010

OMG this is me!!

he loves me, he loves me not

Mr. G is taking me out to lunch today after work. Yay!

I'd like to think it's because he loves me and is attentive to my every need. Awwwww. That's sweet.

However.......I really think it's because I "might have" "accidentally" flipped out yesterday and screamed, "IF I DON'T GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE SOON, FOR SOME REASON OTHER THAN WORK, I'M GOING TO KILL PEOPLE!!!"

it's Five Things Friday!!

Tell me your five favorite books.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

we are family, no thanks to child protective services, i've got all my offspring with me

I'm a little pissed off at the offspring right now because someone keeps slapping a "Extra Wide Load" sticker on the back of my Hoveround.

Speaking of the offspring, when people find out I have 16 offspring, the most oft repeated comment is: "Goddess, I don't have the patience to deal with 16 kids!" If I had a quarter for every time I heard that statement, I'd be sixty two cents richer.

Relax, Ladies, patience is not a requirement.

When they're pre-teens, you need a working TV/DVD player, a steady stream of DVD's and lots of mind numbing drugs (for you, not them). When they're in their teens, they'll have access to lots of drugs (still for you, and you might get a discount buying in bulk) so it all evens out.

And there are lots of creative ways to save money when you have a big family. Take Halloween, for instance. I only buy four costumes--two male/two female, and I make them trick or treat in shifts. The costume is always something very generic--like a sheet ghost and I DON'T cut eye holes in the sheet. That way you can use the sheet on their bed. I make one of the other "sighted" offspring guide them along. One year Female Offspring #2 led Male Offspring #4 right into a ditch. Meh, he was asking for it.

I'm also a very loving mother, so I go through all of their treat bags and remove things that might have razors in them, like Snicker Bars, 3 Musketeer Bars and Milky Way bars. I leave in the healthy snacks like apples and pears, making it a win/win for ...well, me.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I thought driving while trying to eat a hoagie was a bad idea...

What I love about this story is the chick is shaving her privates while driving with her EX to meet her BOYFRIEND....hell, this sounds like an episode of "My Name is Earl." And in all of this I wonder if she was doing a DRY SHAVE?! Owie.

A woman who shaved her bikini area while driving caused a car crash in Florida Keys, prompting police to issue fresh warnings about safe driving, MyFox National reported Monday.

Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, crashed into another vehicle on Cudjoe Key after giving her ex-husband the wheel as she shaved her private parts.

Barnes was driving to meet her boyfriend in Key West and told authorities she wanted to be “ready for the visit,” reported.

But Florida Highway Trooper Gary Dunick was not surprised when he came to the scene of the crash.

Dunick has had some crazy experiences pulling over drivers but said “If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it.”

Barnes crashed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet truck being driven by David Schoff, reported.

Schoff had slowed down to make a right hand turn when Barnes' 1995 Thunderbird hit it at 45 mph - within the speed limit.

FHP spokesman Alex Annunziato said that Barnes then allegedly drove a half mile further down the road where she switched seats with her ex-husband Charles Judy so that it looked like she had not been driving.

Dunick said that Judy had burns from the passenger side air bag that proved he had not been in the driver’s seat. The air bag in the driver’s seat had not deployed.

Barnes should not have been driving in the first place. The day before the accident, she had been convicted and sentenced to nine months of probation for DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Her license was revoked for five years and she was ordered to get her car impounded.

Dunick said, “My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there's a funny side to this, but it's also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this. It is unbelievable. I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys.”

Saturday, March 06, 2010

i'm every woman, it's all in me

When I started my night job over a year ago, the woman I took care of LOVED the Real Housewives series on Bravo. And I started watching it, too. But no more…and here’s why:

It occurred to me yesterday that the male (lack of) “brains” behind the Real Housewives shows could very well be misogynists, and the supposedly smart women on the show are actually stupid.

Or vain enough not to care they’re being used.

Not sure which.

Let’s think about it: the producers throw a bunch of sexy, rich, beautiful women together and make them look like classless, bitchy, bitter, money grubbing assholes. They show the women at their absolute WORST: flaunting relationships with married men, physically fighting and LOTS of name calling.

The women derive their joy and glee from reveling in each other’s problems and the more severe the problem, the more they delight in it. Oh, they fake a little concern now and then, and some hide behind Jesus, like when someone loses a home or when their marriage is on the rocks or their health is in jeopardy, but they’re right back at the digs and jabs in the next scene. One minute they’ll be complimenting each other ever so sincerely–”You look beautiful!”–and the next they flash to that same woman making fun of the person–“What IS she wearing?!”

Two faced much?

The folks behind the show dump women who aren’t bitchy and catty enough because that doesn’t get ratings. The ones who fight and scream and throw tables are the ones who get all the camera time.

Yep, misogynists.

Female Producers, what’s your excuse? How could you participate in this denigrating charade?

I have heard people say the Real Housewives is “their guilty little pleasure.” Translation: we think it gives us a legitimate excuse to tear other people down and be as bitchy as the "Housewives".

Now we have some “Housewives” who are smart enough to realize they didn’t come off as sincere and nice last season, so they’re faking that this time around. How sad.

True friendships can never survive this sort of hateful environment and the show proves that out. Every time a new season comes on, the women who were friends before, are now enemies.

What amazes me is that the “brains” behind the show are able to lure these supposedly intelligent women into this scam. I’m guessing it makes them feel important–they’re celebs!!—but I wonder if they realize how they REALLY look?

I wonder if they realize they’re being mocked every bit as much as they mock their cast mates?

I wonder if they realize they’re perpetuating the stereotype of the rich, materialistic bitch?

I wonder if they realize this behavior LOWERS them, instead of elevates them? I wonder if they realize the money isn’t worth it when you’ve lost your authentic self?

I wonder if they realize all the money they’ve made these men by their sad behavior? Well, some of them must because now they're demanding more money to degrade themselves. One couldn't get more money, walked and then claimed it was because she was "above all the drama".

I wonder if they realize they’re perpetuating the myth that two strong women can’t be close friends? That other women canNOT be trusted?

I wonder if they realize? And more importantly, I wonder if they CARE?
I have realized that watching the show brings out a bitchiness in me that I don’t like, and that’s why I won’t be watching anymore. I got sucked into it for too long, but I’m done. I don’t like the person I become when I watch it; I can’t imagine how much it changes you taking part in it.

I need programming that helps me celebrate being a woman, programming that teaches me that it’s ok to be smart, rich AND female, not more programming that makes me ashamed to be a woman.

Now if I could just find some...

dirty joke o'the day

Q: What did the blind gynecologist have to do?

A: Learn to read lips.

Friday, March 05, 2010

The Invention of Lying

I just finished watching Ricky Gervais' "The Invention of Lying." The basic premise is that every one in the world speaks the truth because they don't know how to do anything else. But one day Ricky Gervais figures out he can lie, and that it works to his advantage. The first part of the movie where everyone speaks the truth is hilarious. Tina Fey as Mark's secretary was very funny. After he was fired, she said, "Well, goodbye. I've hated every day that I worked for you." There was one employee standing outside the building telling everyone "I don't want to go it." Who hasn't felt THAT way? The old folks home was called, "A Sad Place For Hopeless Old People," and the motel was called, "A Cheap Motel For Intercourse With A Near Stranger". LOL! All along Jen Garner's character Anna told Mark (Gervais) that she would never be with him because their kids would be fat with little stubby noses. While they become friends it never becomes more than that because Anna is obsessed with marrying someone who is good looking. One funny part was just after Mark declared his love for Anna. She then tells him how much she loves him, and as they lean in to kiss, she pulls away at the last minute. Mark: "Why can't we be together then?" Anna: "Because of the whole genetics thing. Little fat kids with snub noses. It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics." Ain't that the truth!

time for another FIVE THINGS FRIDAY!!

Tell me your 5 favorite junk or comfort foods.

Mine are:
1. Dove Milk Chocolate Promises
2. Diet Pepsi
3. Macaroni and Cheese...YUM!!
4. Pizza
5. A GOOD chocolate chip cookie

Thursday, March 04, 2010

this first story highlights why... should always pay attention to detail.

Sheriff: Kidnapping Suspect Faked Pregnancy

It turns out the 19 year-old woman who took a baby boy from a westside couple, pretending to be a DCF worker, was trying to cover up a fake pregnancy.

Sheriff John Rutherford appeared on CNN Wednesday night, saying Jasmine White kidnapped 3 week-old Melvin Duclos Tuesday.

Rutherford says White told her mother, who she lives with, that he was a baby girl.

"She had actually told her mom this was a female baby, it was all dressed in pink".

But Rutherford says White's story unraveled quickly.

"They go to change the diaper, it was a little boy. And she was astounded".

White was arrested, and the baby has been returned to his parents.


May I just add that when I was in grade school I LOVED Jawbreakers? The purple ones especially. And sometimes I would try to shove as many of them into my mouth as I could at one time without choking. Yeah, that was the "prize": not choking. But I don't recall loving them so much that I'd do a total stranger to get one....

I'm wondering if she actually specified "Jawbreaker candy" because when I think oral sex and "jawbreaker" I ain't thinking candy...

I can hardly believe this story. Dr. Drew has a STALKER?! Good grief, what's he after? Free medical advice? One thing is for sure, you can tell the guy has mental issues. I mean, come on. Dr. Drew?!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

you suck, John McCain!

I wish the government would keep their hands off of my right to choose what I think is best for me.

It just continues to piss me off that the FDA will rip an herb off the shelf at the slightest whim, yet continue to leave DANGEROUS DRUGS on the market with a frigging warning label.