Thursday, December 30, 2010

and now, some homework...

Listen to this song, and participate in the poll  over yonder----------------->
I think what makes this song even more bittersweet is the fact that it was based on a true story and now Dan is gone. I wonder who the gf was and what she thought when she first heard the song and realized it was about their accidental meeting. Sigh. Yep, that's the romantic in me working ovetime again:)


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

i'm the only one i know

...who can sit in my own house, mind my own business and STILL get my ass in trouble.

There's a woman I grew up with who now lives in another part of the state, but her parents still live by my mother. She sends me a card every Christmas, and lately has included her phone number, along with the message, "Please call. I'd love to catch up with you."

My mother asked me if I had gotten her card and asked why I hadn't called her because she was anxious to talk to me.

I'm like, "Doesn't the phone work both ways? If she's SO ANXIOUS to catch up with me, why doesn't she just call me?"

Suddenly it was MY FAULT that we hadn't connected, and I was reminded exactly WHY it is that I don't stay in close contact with these friends who have parents that are friends with MY family.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

as Petula Clark once said....

"It's a sign of the times."

Our boss is giving every one a money gift, and we called the employees today and told them about the gift, and that they could pick it up at the office.

One employee called and bitched because we closed at 4 and she worked till 5. She was all attitudy with me and said, 'How am I going to get my bonus?"
I said, "That's not really my issue, but can't you get someone else to pick it up for you? If I had a gift waiting for me, I'm sure I'd find a way to get it."
And she said, "I guess I could get my cousin." Oh, and then she told me to make sure it was taped shut so her cousin couldn't see how much it was, despite the fact that her cousin got the same amount.
I said, "You're welcome," and hung up.

Whoop de frickin do! I'm sure the boss could keep your damn Christmas bonus if it's that much of an effort on your part to pick it up

People amaze me...and not in a good way.

That having been said....here's Petula

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Somebody call 911! I've OD'ed on Holiday Movies!!

Here’s a list of observations after watching one too many holiday movies:

1. Why are the stressed out, overworked people always ad execs?

2. Angels ARE NOT people and people DO NOT turn into angels.

3. Exactly what is Santa’s “naughty or nice” criteria?

4. How many people really come back from the dead at Christmastime? I only know of one, maybe two in my family.

5. If Santa keeps all the letters children write forever, he must have one hell of a filing system.

6. Santa has one hell of a filing system.

7. Why does Santa get all hissy and refuse to work? He only works one farking day a year! And really, the elves get stuck with all the labor.

8. Why does Mrs. Claus always nag? “Dress warmly, Nick. You’ll catch a cold, Nick.” He lives at the North Pole. If he hasn’t caught a cold by now, he never will.

9. Why does everyone around Santa always kiss his ass? Reminds of that Twlight Zone ep with Billy Mumy, “Don’t send me into the cornfield!”

10. Can’t the true meaning of Christmas EVER be gifts? Must it always be about the LOVE?

11. The joy of giving–--could there BE a crappier gift?!

12. Apparently, the secret to a really happy “holiday” movie is to pile miserable life circumstance upon miserable life circumstance until the viewer is so depressed, they’re considering suicide.

13. What exactly IS Mrs. Claus' job besides baking cookies? She has no kids and it's clear the elves do all the work!

14. Speaking of Mrs. Claus, why can't SHE ever deliver the presents when Santa can't? No, the job always falls to one of the kids. Hey, Fatboy, ever heard of Women's Lib?!

15. Why does Tom Arnold persist in thinking he's an "actor"?

that's just the way it is some things will never change

Have they changed the rules for unemployment benefits again?

I recall that way back when Jesus was in Pampers, you were required to get two applications a week (or so)to prove that you were actively seeking work.

Remember that great idea? ACTUALLY TRYING TO FIND WORK?

This seemed to go away for a LONG time, and now suddenly we have people coming into the office FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE of filing out an application so they can continue to get benefits.

Why does this piss me off?
A. I have to get my ass out of bed every morning at 6 am while they stroll into the office around 1ish asking for an application so they can continue to sit home and collect $.
B. It's a freaking waste of OUR manpower and time. We have our interviewer on staff, spending time with these people, when it's apparent from the beginning, they have ZERO INTEREST in getting a job with our company. Why should we waste money having them get drug tested, TB tested or do a criminal background? Most of them don't even have any experience in our field, which would disqualify them automatically.
C.But what REALLY pisses me off is when people say, "Are there any hours?" and I say, "Yes," and they'll blatantly say, "I'll just put down 'there isn't any work available'." These people piss me off every bit as much as the people we have already hired who now say, "Don't give me any more hours, it's messing up my unemployment." Well EXCUSE US. We thought you WANTED a job, not a fucking handout.

Merry Christmas to all members of the Goddess clan!



Saturday, December 11, 2010

another holiday funny from Jay....

Gotta admit, Jay, my holiday favorite from you will always be the S&M snowman with the "Seasons Beatings!" caption:) But these last two are very funny, too.

Friday, November 26, 2010

fun on a budget

I had a very nice Thanksgiving with the offspring. To continue with the fun, I got them all up bright and early this morning to go to a free screening.

There seemed to be some confusion, though.

For some weird reason they seemed to think I was taking them to a free screening of the new Harry Potter movie. Hmm, maybe because I said, "Kids, tomorrow I'm taking you to a free screeing of the new Harry Potter movie!"? Nah, that couldn't be it.

I did, however, take them to a free screening for kidney disease!

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

just finished watching..

"Kick Ass".

Gawd, I was on the edge of my seat because it was so damn violent.

It was one of those movies that I wanted to stop watching, but kept getting sucked into it deeper and deeper.

Brrrrrr................

thank you for being a friend!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

it's official

The holiday season is definitely upon us. I watched A Season For Miracles tonight and once again, bawled at the ending, as if I had no idea they were going to wind up together...even though I've seen the movie about ten times.

Some of the critics said the movie was one improbability after another, and that may be the case, but I fell in love with the police chief in Pappano's book and was willing to overlook a lot of stuff that happened in the movie.

However, I often wished they had a stronger actor with more "cop presence," than David Conrad play Nathan Blair. I'm not wild about him in that role, but hey, I can live with it:).

My other "must see" Christmas movies/shows are "Shrek the Halls," "If You Believe," "Polar Express," "Prancer," and "Four Christmases".  My two all time favorite lines from holiday movies are: "My Mama always says, 'Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries'!" and "Remember, you can't spell 'families' without 'lies'!"

Trust me, I've seen a TON of 'em!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

in my dreams i'm dying all the time

Work was FABULOUS today!!!

Nu(lazy)Chick stayed home because it was "rainy" and she was "tired". *Insert mucho eye rolling here* Can you say "spoiled, lazy ass, kids?"

She called and said she'd come in "later" since the boss wasn't going to be in until lunch time, but co-worker called and convinced her to stay home. GO, HER!! LOL!  She was all, "You don't want to come out in this rain....and for a few hours? Stay home."  Then she got off the phone and was cheering! Funny thing is the boss was in by 10:30 so it was GREAT:).

Can't wait for those bad snow days because I hardly think she'll brave the wind and snow if she's off put by some damn rain.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

caution!!!! deer crossing ahead.....whether you like it or not

For the life of me I don't know WHY I didn't take a picture of this, but Mr G's car met a deer on the way to work Friday morning.

While Mr. G came away spooked shitless at the slightest movement from the side of the road now, the deer came away with a good chunk of our front right bumper, the front right headlight and the front right sidelight. the damage was close to $700, mostly to the fiberglass bumper. The insurance dude said that while the car was old--'93--it was in very good condition and since it doesn't even have 50k miles on it, it's still worth about $2500.

Unfortunately Bambi died.

I'm trying to figure out why though, because he hit the car on the right and continued across the road to the left side. We ASSumed he hit the car with his back hooves and that's why there wasn't that much damage. But if that were true, I don't think that would have killed him. Then I thought maybe he hit the bumper with his head and was propelled across the front of the car. But you'd think a head injury would throw him backwards, not forwards, right? So now I don't know what happened and Mr. G said it happened so fast he doesn't know what happened either, but thank God for Allstate.

Where's an accident re-creationist when ya need one?!

Saturday, November 06, 2010

will you give this year?

Every year for the past twenty or so, I've given to the Salvation Army. I've tried to give at least $50 between now and Christmas and for me, that's no easy feat, because hell, my bills add up, too. But I try, and in the past, I felt good about being able to give to someone else.

But there are some incidences that have taken the shine off of donating and I don't know if I'll give this year. The first thing that opened my eyes was a few years ago, when a then co-worker told me she was going to buy a wide screen tv out of her money and get money for the kid's gifts from the Salvation Army. She was earning money on the side and instead of buying her gifts with that, she was saving it to buy something they could ill afford in the first place. Let's face it, if your income is so low that you're getting $ from the Salvation Army, can you REALLY afford a wide screen tv?

The thing that has me seriously second guessing my giving is another (now former ) co worker who I talked to the other night. She's not working at all. And that's not to say that she CAN'T work. She just isn't working. She's claiming she's too fat to work and no one will hire her. Well, um, she was fat when she worked her last job, and she was still hired and I see a lot of fat people in the work force, so let's stop making excuses. I held my tongue from stating the obvious, "Well, fricking lose weight then!" She told me they are "getting by" on her husband's income for now and "when th kids are out of school"--the youngest is only 11--she'll "THINK" about getting her CNA license. Then she'll "start working at 40 and retire at 60". That sounds fabulous, right?

Except for one small thing: I've been working since I'm in my twenties and I'm nowhere CLOSE to having enough money to retire and I own my own home. She's still renting because they don't have enough $ for a down payment.  When I mentioned getting a seasonal job at least, she immediately talked about getting help from agencies like the Salvation Army and LIHEAP.

So once again, I'm seriously questioning my donations. I'm working my ass off trying to save and have something to show for it, and I'm expected to give my money to some lazy ass who just doesn't want to work?! I want these agencies to vet these people closer and make sure that they really DESERVE this money or have them do charity work in exchange for it. Have them work for the Salvation Army during the holiday season as bell ringers, or whatever,  and then let them have their money.

Our country is filled with people getting a free ride. And the people who TRULY want a job and who TRULY need the help are the ones who are more than willing to work in exchange for it. So I really hope these agencies change their policies and in exchange for cash assistance, they can give these people a sense of pride and accomplishment by expecting them to do something other than living and breathing in exchange for this assistance.

For some, like myself, there is shame in taking money for doing nothing. The time that my husband and I had to be on food stamps several years ago, we HATED it. And we got off of them as quickly as possible and there were many years we still qualified for them, but there was no way in Hell we were signing up. Had we been offered the opportunity to volunteer anywhere in exchange for those food stamps, that would have made all the difference in the world.

There's a part of me that wants to open the phone book put my finger on a name and send that person my $50. I won't know if they're too lazy to work or if they're truly needy, I won't know anything except I gave.

Friday, November 05, 2010

its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word

Yesterday one of the ladies that I used to care for passed away. I took care of her for over seven years. One of the best caregiving jobs I've ever had.

In the caregiving business, there are people you meet that you will always remember and people you just want to forget. 

Ruth was definitely one I'll always remember. She always treated me so well, and with kindness and respect.

She used to love watching The Price is Right, working jigsaw puzzles and snuggling with her cat Poppy.

She was a joy to take care of and I'm glad she's in a much better space. 

And now Overtime Hawg won't be getting any more overtime...;)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

want you to make me feel like i'm the only girl in the world

If I've learned anything from being forced to sit through The View in my chiropractor's office, I thought I learned that there was nothing worse than listening to four women yakking about their lives.

I was wrong.

Today I learned that worse than listening to four women yak about their lives is listening to SIX women yak about their lives. Such is the misery known as The Talk.

Did daytime tv--or any time tv, for that matter--really NEED another talk show? Do we need yet another venue for  actors to pimp their movies or their books or their jewelry or their clothing line?

NEVER have I been so grateful to have a daytime job. Thank You, Lord!

Monday, October 18, 2010

you can pick your nose but you can't pick your relatives

I swear some of my relatives are on dope.

And not the good stuff. I'm talking really cheap crappy dope because they do incredibly dopey things.

Take my niece, for instance. She never bothered to acknowledge the money that I sent when her son was born or that I'd even sent any, and yet today she emails me and asks me to vote for him in some goofy "cute baby" contest. As if cute isn't in the eye of Mom and Dad.

I'm thinking, "Gurl, WTH are you smoking even asking me this?!" As IF I'm going to take time out of my day and vote for this kid.

So I sent the link to Female Offspring #1 pointing out the audacity of this chick and she emails back saying, "I went to that site........and voted for a much cuter baby."

LOL!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

i'm blonde and i'm pissed and i'm not gonna take it anymore!!

I was checking my email earlier this evening when I, oh so innocently, glanced over to some pictures of attractive men to the right of my mail pane. The ad said, "Meet seniors in your area".

Now I've always been a fan of older men, no surprise there, but when I saw the AGES of these SENIOR MEN, I wanted to SPIT NAILS!!

Their ages were 50, 53 and 55!!!! WTF?! That's not "senior", stupid people who own this dating service!

50's are the PRIME OF YOUR LIFE! Just ask anybody in their 50's!!

Only a twelve year old pimply dweeb would think otherwise. And that's probably who owns the service...some mega rich, pimply twelve year old. 

Sigh.

Monday, October 11, 2010

it pays to keep your thumb on the pulse of America



The outfit to the left was designed by Tina Knowles aka Beyonce's Mommy and part of the "Miss Tina" collection currently on sale at WalMart.

I must say Ms. Knowles has...(sing this next part)...NAILED IT!!

This is EXACTLY the sort of outfit your typical WalMart shopper would wear. I bought one and I plan to wear it tomorrow night when I take the kids to the pumpkin patch/corn maize. Then I'm going to slap on a long black wig and go as Elvira to the Halloween party that follows. I won't even have to change my clothes. 

Now that is WalMart convenience!

*slams head against keyboard*

When I hear the phrase "the children are our future" I get afraid.

Very. Afraid.

One of the early twentysomethings that works for us called me and wanted to know "why the fuck" her paycheck was "getting smaller and smaller when I'm working the same hours every week".  When I tried to explain to her that working TEN FRIGGING HOURS IN TWO WEEKS wasn't exactly the way to get a good check, she began arguing with me about how she deserved her three month raise because she started four months ago, as if that paltry raise is going to save her from having to do more work.

Let's ignore the facts that she did not show up for all her scheduled shifts in her 90 day trial period, she NEVER turned the time sheets in on time,  she NEVER got coverage for the shifts she wanted off, she called up and swore at me on the phone as if I was somehow cheating her out of well deserved money, and focus on her start date issue instead. She insisted she began four months ago, even though I told her I had her first pay stub IN MY HAND and I gave her the date she started with the company, which was only two months ago. She swore up and down that she "could guarantee" she had a pay stub from four months ago, and that she had called her bank and they were going to give her the date of her deposit. THEN to add total insult to injury after I took the time to look up all her information and call her, she gets into an argument with the person in the house with her and FRIGGING HANGS UP ON ME!

As for her hours and the "mystery" of her quickly shrinking check, she worked one 44 hour pay period, then decided that job was too much for her, so next she had a 14 hour pay period and then a 10 hour pay period. Now gee, how much of an Einstein do you have to be to figure out why her paycheck was going lower with every work week?!

The upside of all this? She's going to the MILITARY and I can't WAIT for the instructors to get their hands on her!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Invites

I'll leave both of my sites open for 24 hours and if anyone wants an invite, just drop a comment with your email on this post and it won't be printed.

Friday, September 17, 2010

it's funny how...

....the things you did when you were younger stay fresh in your mind.

When I lived at home, we'd houseclean RELIGIOUSLY spring and fall. Gawd forbid a spider web should form on my mother's watch.

When we housecleaned in the spring, we'd put a sheet blanket on the bed along with our homemade summer quilt. In the fall, we'd take the sheet blanket off and put a cotton blanket on, along with our homemade winter quilts.

I couldn't help but think of this when I was putting the cotton blanket on my bed earlier tonight. The temps are chilly in the evening but I still like to run my fan with the window open and snuggle under the layers of covers. Unfortunately, the cotton sheets are like ice when it gets cooler out, so I swapped them out for the cotton.

Yes, it's Saturday and I fully intend to stay in bed reading most of the day!!

technology, how I despise thee! well, at times..............

About two years ago, I purchased a small Vivitar DVR, including camera, video, mp3 player, and voice recorder from HSN for about $40.

At the time, I was thrilled about the fact that I was getting sooooooooo much for such a small price, not unlike when I plunked down  $10,000 for my Kia Rio.

And just like with my Kia Rio, I see now why the price was so low.

The battery went kerpluey and it will cost me about $30-$35 to buy a new one. For a freaking $40 camera.

SUCK IT, VIVITAR!!!!   And just because I feel like it......YOU CAN SUCK IT TOO, KIA!!!!!!

OMG if it were so I'd be skinnier than a number two lead pencil...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I was reading....

....a romance novel this weekend in which the heroine's brother was being blackmailed.

I about fell off my chair laughing when she said he was out trying to raise money to pay the blackmailer by selling his mother's KIA!!

LOLOLOLOL!

As if they're worth Jack Schitt.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

HA! take that, Bruno!


Bruno is not the only one who can post obscure pictures of stuff his dad stole.

This is a picture of something my great, great grandpappy Ebenezer stole. He worked on the railroad and on his last day, got stinking drunk and drove this thing home in the dead of night. Not as easy feat when you see the wheels on this thing.

Anywho, we've had it sitting in our shed for years and years. (Even though in this picture it LOOKS like it's sitting on train tracks, pay no mind. That's just a photoshop illusion I added to fake up where we're hiding this thang;)

See if YOU can guess what it is!

Friday, September 03, 2010

why did i waste my time on this movie too?

Just finished watching Why Did I Get Married, Too from Tyler Perry. Geez, talk about going overboard with drama, then coming up with a trite ending to all their problems. Perry is the king of that in this movie.

SPOILER ALERT! Gavin, husband of Janet Jackson's character dies in the end. The friends all say goodbye to him, then the movie jumps to a year later. Dwayne Johnson comes on and flashes his pearly whites at Janet--thus insuring Perry can bore us with a sequel-- Perry cuts to happy music and it's all over.

There's your neat, little happy ending all tied up with a red ribbon. And there's also two hours and one minute of my life I'll never get back....

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Private eyes are watching you

Because of all the weirdness going on lately, I've decided to make my blog private, too.

Since I don't have a lot of the email addys, if you'd like an invite, leave your addy in the comment section of this post. I've enabled comment moderation so your email addresses will NOT be published.

I know some addys and I'll get to them in a day or two when I have time. Because I hate it when a blog just closes without notice, I'll give you a little time to decide if you want to continue reading or not.

Thanks!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

now THAT'S multi-tasking!

An Elmwood Place police officer who stopped a car because it had illegally tinted windows received a bit of a shock when he looked inside.

Officer Ross Gilbert said the driver, Colondra Hamilton, a 36-year-old Downtown resident, was sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy in her lap.

He said Hamilton told him she was using the toy while watching a sex video on a laptop computer that a passenger in the front seat held up so she could see it.

Gilbert charged her with “driving with inappropriate alertness” and having illegal tinted windows, according to the traffic ticket.

The incident occurred at 7 p.m., Aug. 17, on Township Avenue in Elmwood Place, a small village in central Hamilton County.

Gilbert admitted he had never encountered a traffic case quite like this one.

“It’s very unusual,” he said. “This is a first for me.”

Hamilton was released on her own recognizance soon after her arrest.

She is scheduled to be arraigned Tuesday in Hamilton County Municipal Court

Friday, August 27, 2010

Hollywood, stop it. JUST. STOP. IT.

Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon is claiming that Spencer "stole" her sex tape with Heidi Montag.

Celebs, you're embarrassing yourselves. Only a complete idiot would believe this tape has been "stolen" just like Danielle Staub's tape and Paris Hilton's tape and Pamela Anderson's tape and Rebecca Gayheart's tape and Vince Neil's tape and blah blah BLAH. If it WERE true, shame all of you for being so damn dumb that you can't even hide a video tape in a safe place. Apparently the only sure money in Hollywood lies in the sale of home security alarm systems.

However, celebs, we all know you're getting a cut of the profits and we all know this is yet another way of pimping yourself, and being in porn without the stigma of being in porn. And it's also another way to hone your tired acting skills by acting all outraged and embarrassed. That stolen lie might work on Mom and Dad but it sure ain't working on us.

Enough.

Monday, August 23, 2010

hee hee haw haw

Thanks, Bugs!
---------

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe... Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?'
Without even looking up from her morning paper Sue replied, 'The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Sunday, August 22, 2010

no, Alice, welcome to MY nightmare


My sister called me this afternoon and said, "OMG!! Alice Cooper is coming to town!! Do you want to get tickets to go see him?"

After I spent a few seconds manually adjusting my eyeballs because I rolled them ceiling ward too many times in rapid succession and they stuck, I said, "You're kidding me, right?"

My sister: "No! We've always wanted to see Alice."

Moi: "Yeah, when we were IN HIGH SCHOOL and when he was in his heyday, not two steps from the grave. Do you have any idea how OLD Alice is right now? HE'S SIXTY TWO YEARS OLD!!! The only thing sadder than SEEING Alice on tour right now is Alice BEING on tour right now!"

Seriously. What is the man going to sing? "School's out for ever?" Dude, you're SIXTY TWO YEARS OLD. Of course school is out FOREVER! OR maybe he'll sing "The Guttercats vs. The Jets" because when you're a jet you're a jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dying day! Proving once again, that sadly there are some lyrics you can never erase from your brain.

NOW LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS FOOLISHNESS AGAIN!!!!

did you know....

That StatCounter--my FAVORITE FREE stats program--now has exit links and exit link activity status in their options?

They also added downloads and download activity, so I can see that current people are grooving on the Doonesbury 'toon I posted last. Cool!

I don't know why anyone would pay for a stats program when this is available, AND it's a 'real time' stats program!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

paging Romeo and Juliet....paging Romeo and Juliet

Awwww, no! Bristol Palin has called it quits with Levi Johnston.

Turns out the last straw was NOT the fact that he might have fathered a child with another woman.

Palin was pissed because Johnston went to Hollywood and participated in a video that mocked her family. You know, as opposed to Johnston's previous actions which weren't mocking her family in any way.......

Apparently Johnston told Palin he was going to Hollwood to see a "hunting show". I guess cuz there's lots of hunting going on in Hollywood. But he was really going to Hollywood to do the video. *GASP* He lied!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

delish!

Hey, Ann, from Pittsburgh PA!!

I found your Dove Promises saying, "Go out for adventure. Go home for love" in my bag of peanut toffee crunch Dove:)

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

I LOVE the chorus of the new song, Love the Way You Lie from Rhianna. There's just one big problem with the rest of the song: it's a duet w/Eminem.

I can't stand Eminem.

His "singing" isn't singing, it's just a white boy rapping, and there's nothing sadder than a white boy rapping.

Her chorus is so beautiful and he totally ruins the song with his gibberish rantings.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

who said Kim Kardashian could never be a role model??

Take that all you naysayers!

i thee will think about wedding thou

Well, well, well, who could have seen this coming? Apparently Levi Johnston impregnated his former gf before he reconciled with Bristol Palin. Geez, and he seemed like such a swell, stand up guy.

My favorite line in this article?

"Palin is so upset that she's rethinking her upcoming nuptials with Johnson, the father of her son, sources said."

You go, gurl! You THINK about it! Don't cancel it! Don't admit to yourself that the guy is a total jerk and you and your child deserve better, just THINK ABOUT CANCELING. Because I bet he's gonna change entirely when you marry him. And if he doesn't---"if"...LOLOLOLOL!--you can always go on the Dr. Phil show and cry about how you've been wronged and you never saw it coming.

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, gawd, I need some tissues to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I don't know if you've noticed.....

But Blogger has recently added some very decent stats.

To check yours out, go to blogger in draft--draft.blogger.com--and click on the stats link. Best part is you don't even have to install anything. It's all there, ready to go!

They've also added the "share" buttons that I've been looking for FOREVER. You'll see them below each post, like you see below. Now when someone posts something you want to share on your Facebook, it just requires a click of a button:)

Very cool, Google!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I have a new toy!!

No, no that horrible thing pictured to the left...

I ordered dental picks on Amazon and I spent the last fifteen minutes cleaning the tartar/plaque off my teeth. Mostly it collects around the front and back of my bottom front teeth. From eye tooth to eye tooth. But they're sparkly clean now! I love it!
Now I'm going to charge the offspring $25 to do their teeth. I'll save by undercutting my dental hygienist 50%.

I haven't had my teeth cleaned professionally in two years--yaya, shuddup about that 'every six months' bull shit--but I have to go to the dentist on Friday to get my cap impression made and I KNOW that jackass is going to look at my chart first thing and ask me when I've had my teeth cleaned last. As if he can't READ.

I HATE going, so when I don't HAVE to go, I don't. But I should have my teeth cleaned after I pay the thousand bucks for this doggone tooth, and I *probably* will.

When I lost a cap a few weeks back, the hygienist said, "Are you getting your teeth cleaned somewhere else?"

Yes, I'm seeing another hygienist behind your back, dipshit.

Good Lord, I can't stand going to HER, let alone ANOTHER hygienist. Think about it, IF I was going somewhere else, why would I be sitting in her chair?

She said, "Oh you just haven't had them cleaned in a long time?" I thought, "Hmmm, if you can't tell from looking at them, then they mustn't look too bad."

She's freaking annoying because she's one of these people who will try to get you to schedule your NEXT appointment before she's even cleaned your teeth for your CURRENT appointment. Plus the last time she cleaned my teeth, she kept me there for FORTY FIVE MINUTES yammering on and on about her past love life. ASK ME IF I GIVE A SHIT. I am so nervous in the chair that you could talk to me about a new technique that GUARANTEED mind blowing orgasms and I WOULDN'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. The worst part is that she's one of these people who don't have the ability to work and talk at the same time, so every time she recalled some sappy romantic moment from the past, she sat back and gazed at the ceiling as she talked. GUH!

I also only have one Valium left and that worries me. Last time I took 2 and a half Valium, total of 12.5 milligrams, I was so anxious, I never felt a thing. I think I need a damn horse tranquilizer to get me through this.

It's the DRILLING that gets to me: the sound echoing in my head, the sensations, the metal smell, that water spraying onto my face as the drill bores into my teeth. ICK!

The most bizarre thing about my dentist? He has these idiotic airplane mobiles dangling above our heads like all of his patients are five years old. I just want to reach up and yank the damn things down, and then tell him it was an "accident." He USED to have this really stupid wall paper in front of the chairs that took up the entire wall and looked like you were ready to walk down a path through the forest. I thought I was a piss poor interior decorator...


So my question is this: is there anyone on this planet, anyone in the blogosphere who does NOT get scared when they have to go to the dentist and what is your strategy? I've tried hypnosis cds, EFT and Valium/Xanax and I still get all worked up when I think about it. I'd drink myself into a stupor but I'm afraid my breath might offend the dentist.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

ENOUGH ALREADY!!

To date. at least ten people have sent me this damn link.

Let me just say this much, people: I'd rather die this way than keel over from a heart attack while doing yard work.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

well gosh gee golly whiz

Well, gosh, I'm just so happy for Bristol Palin. Seems she and Levi are back together and planning to get married no matter what her mother says. Good old Bristol. She's always had a level head on her shoulders, no impetuousness there.

I think it's wonderful because he was just a model young man after they broke up. Posing for Playboy, saying skank things about her and her family, not visiting his child and doing anything to make a name for himself.

I'm sure they are gonna be super duper happy together for the rest of their lives! Or twelve months, whichever comes first...

Monday, July 12, 2010

keepin' it REAL

I was watching Hot in Cleveland last night and there was a scene between Huey Lewis and Wendi Malick. She played an aging groupie and she went to Huey's suite to make out with him, as they tried to recreate their glory days.

First he tried to have sex with her on the credenza and yelled, "Oh, gawd, my knee!" Then he threw her onto the couch and she screamed, "My back!" Then they both tried to get up at the same time and she yelled, "My hair! It's caught in something!" and he said, "It's my Medic Alert bracelet."

LOL! Now THAT'S real sex between middle aged folks:)Not like that crap you see in porn where everyone is perfect.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

go go go in my Hoveround!

From where I sit at my desk at work every day--YES, I have a full time job that I LOVE!!! WORD!--I see a guy Hoveround down the street. I've affectionately nicknamed him, "GuyWhoIsTooHeavyToWalkSoHeRidesDownTheStreetEveryDayToTheDollarStoreTo
BuyJunkFood".
Now, he is not to be confused with "GuyWhoIsTooOldToDriveACarSoHeHoveroundsToTheStoreEveryDayOnThe
MainHighwayAndPretendsItsACadillac".

Every time I see GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF I wonder what his life is like. I wonder how old he is, if he has family. I wonder what kind of junk food he buys. I wonder who the sap is that WALKS along side him every day in the sweltering heat.

Lately, when I see him--GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF, not GWITOTDACSHHTTSEDOTMHAPIAC--I have this overwhelming urge to run outside, jump on the back of his Hoveround and yell "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" all the way down the street and into the dollar store because YES!! he drives INTO THE STORE. That is so unfair that my lazy ass has to WALK through the store while his drives through. And remember how the cops confiscated MY Hoveround and put it in that horrible impound lot when I drove it on the highway? Why doesn't GWITHTWSHRDTSEDTTDSTVBJF's get confiscated? Granted, I did have two of my offspring hanging off the sides, but STILL that's no reason take take my beloved scooter away from me and force me to walk like a poor person. I have rights! And the right to get too fat to walk is one of them!

Friday, July 02, 2010

just stuff

I think it's pretty funny that my local electric company has "outage assistance" ONLINE. I'm guessing that if my electricity isn't on, my computer & internet isn't going to be either...

Female Offspring #3 showed me an ad in the local paper for mausoleum crypts for two for only $4,800. Hell, that's more than I paid for the trailer. Hmmmmm, maybe I should just have the offspring "inter" us in the trailer! Lord knows we're pretty much buried under a pile of "stuff" as it is. And I don't think any of them will notice if we suddenly disappear. Permanently.

So we poured yet another $150 into the front brakes of my Rio this week, bringing the grand total to almost $900, including the brake work we had last year and half of this year. The mechanic tossed a paper into my car explaining the disc pad and brake shoe burnish procedure. My favorite part is where it says that I'm to make 20 complete stops and NO PANIC STOPS. Ummm, if a car or a tree jumps out in front of me, new brake shoes or not, I'm making a freaking PANIC STOP whether I want to or not. After all, isn't that the definition of a panic stop?!

We paid $250 to have the front brake shoes and pads replaced last March, so it ranks me that they're bad already. He said, "Oh, it was just one side." Ranks me anyway because they have to replace both sides. However, the guy who does the billing neglected to tell me that the shoes had a two year warranty. Thank goodness I hang on to my receipts. That's $82 I can spend on food or prescriptions. Ok, booze and porn.

Friday, June 25, 2010

if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with


I will admit, I've always thought Mr. Ed was rather attractive in his writer glasses..........
-------------
After he was told to quit molesting a horse, a 37-year-old Covington man jumped on a second and then a third animal, police said Thursday.

Byron Christopher Jordan, who was wearing only pajama bottoms, was arrested Tuesday and charged with bestiality after Covington police arrived at the home on Lunsford Circle.

At about 9 a.m. Tuesday a neighbor witnessed Jordan having sex with a horse and alerted her husband to what she saw, Lt. Wendell Wagstaff told the AJC.

The neighbors were afraid to call 911 at first because they thought dispatchers might think it was a joke, Wagstaff said.

"When you see something like that, you do a double-take," Wagstaff said.

The neighbors also alerted the owner of the horses, who told Jordan to get off one of his animals, Wagstaff said.

"He got off that horse but he got on another one," Wagstaff said.

Then Jordan apparently did it again, Wagstaff said. The owner told Jordan to get off horse No. 2, and Jordan did but then got on a third horse, police said.

"He literally had to go down and peel him off the [third] horse," Wagstaff said of the horses' owner, who police have not named.

Jordan was charged with bestiality, a felony in Georgia, and with giving an officer a false name. He was released on bond from the Newton County jail late Wednesday, according to jail records. If convicted on bestiality charges Jordan could serve up to five years in prison.

-------------

And now, for you listening pleasure........



Saturday, June 12, 2010

maybe I'm too much of a romantic but....

I don't think ANY of these guys are Jesus. I think He's gonna be much better looking than these clowns. And I don't think Jesus is going to sell us anything or wear expensive white suits. I also don't think Jesus is going to take advantage of people by making them work for Him all week and only earn $2 a day. Most importantly, I don't think Jesus is going to have the sleaze factor these guys do.

I've never seen one of these faux Jesus losers yet who live in poverty or live below their means like Jesus would.

How does that song go? "It's all about the money, It's all 'bout the dum dum deedle dum dum.......
"


Monday, June 07, 2010

A game of cards, anyone?

You know who pisses me off? Stephen Baldwin.

Clever losers like Stephen Baldwin have ruined it for not so clever losers like me.

Here’s my problem: I can’t get a job because I basically want to lay around all day watching reality tv and insulting people on reality tv. I could never admit that, despite the fact that I just did. No, I need a "card", because today, the name of the game is "How To Avoid Personal Responsibility!"

I’m not fat enough to play the weight card since I am still capable of using my legs to get around. (I don’t bother though. That’s why God invented Hoveround.) Another test to see if you're "not fat enough" is whether or not you can walk through WalMart without getting winded or riding one of those public transportation scooters.

I’m white, so I can’t play the race card.

I’m straight, so I can’t play the gay card.

I’m a blonde female, so I can’t play the mentally incompetent card. (I tried.)

What card is left for someone like me?

Enter Stephen Baldwin, true genius.

Yeah, bet you never thought you’d hear those words in the same sentence, did ya?

Stephen has racked up a lot of debt through the years and now he’s claiming he can’t find work because he’s CHRISTIAN. That’s right, he’s not admitting that he’s a third rate actor riding on his brother’s coat tails, who lived beyond his means, can’t manage his finances and is now looking for a free ride. Noooo, he’s playing….THE JESUS CARD!! Step aside so the lightening doesn't strike you.

Just call Stephen “Ballsy McBallserson Balldwin”.

In an article on his religion, Baldwin said, “Do you know what that calling is? To stand up in a new and hard core, radical way for the Lord. In the process, if I insult a couple of people, if I offend a couple of people, and if I got to shake it up a little bit, as long as it is led by the Holy Spirit, amen.”

And if I can get rich idiots to pay my bills while I preach the Gospel according to Stephen, amen.

The “All That Know Him” movement has decided that poor Stephen needs help because he’s basically being persecuted for being a Christian in today’s world. They even go so far as to compare him to Job. (That’s “Job” from the Bible, not “job”, which is what I’m actively looking to avoid while still collecting an income.) The “Restoration of Stephen Baldwin” website wants YOU--the people who do work and manage their finances responsibly--to donate to help “restore” Stephen’s “career”.

What career?! The only career Stephen had was being actor Alec’s younger brother and the son of a breast cancer survivor with a breast cancer foundation that gets attention because her son Alec was an actor.

Now here’s the ironic thing about this whole movement: this movement want to “restore” Stephen’s millions so that he can preach to Hollywood because "Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group." Good thing Jesus never hung out with His carpenter crowd in Hollywood. They soooo would have laughed at Him because of His lack of fundage. So to sum it all up, Stephen needs money to preach to those with money that God is all that matters. Wonder how much Alec has donated to this worthy cause?

You know who I blame for my current situation?

My siblings.

Not one of those lazy phuckers became famous. Insurance agent? Collections agent? Bank teller? Janitor? Puhleeze! If even one of those jackasses had bothered to become a celeb, I would be sucking fame’s hind teat right now. I would be selling my very soul—and my sibling’s fabricated “true” life story—to the National Enquirer so that I could continue to lay on the couch, watch tv, eat and pay my bills.

So now I ask you: WHAT CARD CAN I PLAY?!

UPDATE: Just after I published this, I saw a story about a woman who was fired from her job at Citibank for being "too attractive". She said everything about her was "so distracting".

I think I just found my card!!

Hmm, wonder if I can get disability for being too attractive....

Sunday, June 06, 2010

I'll have a double soy latte.....

I was reading an article about a uniformed police officer from Portland who was thrown out of a coffee house.

I couldn't help but think it was a good thing the cop was white, otherwise Jesse Jackson would have had one hell of a dilemma on his hands...

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I don't get it

Sarah Ferguson says she could NEVER ask her ex husband for money because they're divorced. Yet she had no problem promising access to him in exchange for $40,000 behind his back. And when the guy agreed to $40k, she tried to up it to $700k.

She keeps going on and on about how she got a shitty deal in her divorce settlement. But then in the next breath, she'll talk about what good friends she is with her ex.

Hell, if they're such good friends, why wouldn't you ask the rich bastard to float you some money?! He's wealthy and the father of her kids.

I don't get it. Unless he knows where her money is really going.

my new job!

You know how life sometimes presents us with opportunities?

I'm torn.

Should I:
A. Go into the license plate photocopying business?
B. The Band Aid selling business?
C. The front porch living room furniture business?



Thanks for sending, Bugs!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

it has been a FABULOUS week!

My Kia repairs = $289
My Kia inspection= $45
Mr. G's Ford's inspection and repairs =$165
My root canal=$300
Grand total $ OUT this week=$799 just a little less than what we take in for an ENTIRE MONTH.

Yep, a FABULOUS WEEK.

No fucking wonder people are going broke in this county.

Kendra's sex tape

I think the most shocking thing about Kendra's sex tape is the guy she did it with. Major EWWWWW! Worse yet? Dude left his fucking socks on. Nothing screams "NERD!!" like a guy having sex in his tube socks.

I can understand his motivation for releasing the tape: there's no one on the planet who is going to believe that HE did it with Kendra unless they see the proof.

I can understand why she's pretending to be all upset about it: because she slept with HIM, AND she let him record it for all eternity. Nope, there's no way for her to EVER get over that image of him munching between her legs.

Even more I understand why her husband said she had to "hold her head up high" when the tape was released: HE was embarrassed she slept with that guy, too!

Oddly enough, this guy was smart enough to follow the sex videotape rule of thumb: ONLY allow yourself to be videoed having sex with someone better looking than you are. Too bad Kendra didn't know it.

hmmm, could Billy have been a gunslinger in his youth?

Uh huh, fess up, Billy.
We know that's you on the cover
with your gun and your
cancer stick!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Kia update and/or a girl's guide to getting screwed without experiencing an orgasm

Ok, I got my sweet 'lil Kia back.

And while some people think only "idiots buy Kias," I know that I worked my ass off working 12 and 14 hour days, and I made every single payment on that car myself. I didn't buy a car that was too damn expensive for me and default on my loan, I bought a brand new car that I could afford. Maybe the real issue here is not me being an idiot, but American car manufacturers being greedy with their big gas guzzlers and their expensive cars. Or as Einstein would say, FUCK OFF.

The backing plate on the driver's side rear brake was completely bent. So much so that the pad had come completely off. So she got new rear brake shoes, they unbent the plate, new rear wheel cylinders, and some power steering fluid. All of that cost a mere $288. Oh, and fifty two cents. $109 for parts and a friggin' 162 for labor.

Now we only have to figure out why my power steering fluid was low in the first place.

drop dead diva

Billy, you'll want to skip this post. Just jump into your car with the "I heart camping," the "I'd rather be camping" and the "my other car is a camper" bumper stickers on it and go camping. That will save you from having to post your "go get a job," "I don't watch tv, I don't know what you're talking about" and "you watch too much tv" comments. Just thinking of you.

Ok, so over the weekend between looking for a job, cooking, cleaning, worshiping at the feet of my husband and hunting for big game animals to feed my family (does that cover everything I should be doing, Billy? Yeah, cuz I know you're still reading even though I SPECIFICALLY told you not to and even thought I put the warning in BOLD PRINT!), I watched five episodes of the first season of Drop Dead Diva on Hulu. (In case you're interested, the entire season is available there until June 6th.)

If you haven't seen the show (and we know you haven't, Billy) it's basically a shallow minded, thin girl in the body of a smart, hard working fat girl. Fat girl gets shot, skinny girl dies on the way to an audition to be a Price is Right model and she ends up in the body of the fat girl.

While I love the premise--I think it's a novel idea and very clever--I have 2 problems with the show:

A. I wish they had given us an almost entire episode with Jane's character before Deb took over her thoughts. We have no idea what Jane was really like before the switch, so we don't know how different she seems to her co-workers now. We were able to glean bits and pieces of her character when Jane went back to her old apartment--the HUGE portrait of her with her cat over the couch was hilarious!--but she basically stayed in one room and the scene was brief. We got that she collected plates and loved cats. That's it. I would liked to have seen Jane in action at home, her job, with friends, etc., so we could see how different Jane is/was before Deb "arrived".

B. It PISSES ME NO END that they show Jane (Brooke Elliot) aka the fat one, EATING garbage junk food all the time. I think she's been eating in every episode I've seen so far. I don't see the skinny girls eating donuts, cupcakes, pizza or malted milk balls. I saw one skinny guy pick up a piece of licorice, but I don't know that he ever took a bite. Way to reinforce the stereotype that overweight people sit around bingeing on junk food every day.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

here's a time waster for ya


So here I am.........a real M&M Goddess!






<--It's strange because my real glasses are EXACTLY like these!

Thanks for sending, BG! Make yourself into an M&M.

Friday, May 21, 2010

i gots a problem and her name is Kia


My sweet 'lil Rio is at the garage and I don't know what's wrong with her.

I like to post these sorts of things because I know Bruno will guess what's wrong with her and probably how much it will cost me. And he's usually dead on right!

Ok, here's the problem: I backed her out of the garage and she was fine. Then I started to drive forward, slowly and put my foot on the brake. When I did that the rear driver's side wheel locked up.

So, what's my problem and how much is it going to cost me? LOL....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

get real

Bristol Palin is asking for anywhere between $15k-$30k for SPEAKING FEES?

How long does it take to say, "Don't do what I did, keep your legs together"?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

sorry but i'm not the least bit surprised a guy came up with this lame ass idea

Ok, first let me say I HATE Comedy Central vids because they load them up with a TON of extra junk that I DON'T CARE ABOUT.

That having been said, here's the damn link since I can't figure out how to get rid of all the other code.

If you're this desperate to get guys to attend church, why not just show what they really want to see? Porn. Porn for Jesus.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

and it's too late, baby, now it's too late

We're having some sort of ethnic festival in my neck of the woods later on this year and there was a big piece about it in the newspaper, mentioning the "GRAMMY AWARD WINNING" group that will be here.

They neglected to say the last time this particular group won a Grammy was about 14 years ago.

Party on with your bad self.

has anyone else noticed....

..that the 18 oz $3.99 size of Oreo Cookies has been downsized to the 11 ounce $2.25 size, and that the three sleeves of cookies is now two?

Has anybody else noticed that the filling in the Oreo Cookies is now so sparse that when you try to suck the filling out the cookie breaks, and that the amount of filling in the Double Stuff is what they used to have in the regular Oreo Cookies?

And has anyone else been crying and wailing, and losing sleep over this?

Yeah, me neither.

Carry on.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

i'm coolsville, Daddio

I'm disgusted.

Today was one of those days where I laid around allllll day, reading romance novels, eating Dove Silky Smooth Milk Chocolate Promises and drinking Diet Pepsi.

No, that's not the part that disgusted me.

After today, I'm firmly convinced I need more bedrooms in this house. Even though we bought a LazyBoy recliner and a LazyBoy reclining couch, they have this heavy material on them that is HELLA HOTT in the summer. Yes, it's worse than the velour couch we used to have. The one that lasted 27 years because no one really knows what velour is really made of. I'm sure that when the end of the world comes, velour couches will continue to litter the world along with cock roaches and Keith Richards.

Anyhew, there's no laying in the living room when it's hott and I want to read. So dog and I moved into my bedroom. I read there for a few hours and a few Diet Pepsi's. Suddenly it seemed as if I had sucked the cool out of the room.

So the dog and I went into Mr. G's room to read. Ok, to be fair, I was reading. The dog was playing a paw held video game. But it wasn't long before we had sucked the cool out of that room and I was antsy to move to another bedroom. Alas, I don't HAVE another bedroom. Ok, I have a computer room that COULD hold a twin sized bed if I had one. I was disgusted because in the romance novel I was reading the heroine had a house with THIRTY SIX ROOMS in it! I could go read in a different room every few hours and no one would ever find me! Except dog.

It was at this point that I told Mr. G we needed a bigger house and more bedrooms so I could go from room to room, reading and sucking, reading and sucking.

At first, he enthusiastically agreed. Until he realized I meant "sucking the COOL" out of the room. Then he was all, "Go back to your own room or buy a stronger fan!"

Great solution, Mr. Solution Man!!

Friday, April 30, 2010

awww, my kids are the BEST!



Now that I've discovered the dentist dispenses DRUGS--yes, the GOOD KIND!!--the offspring have all agreed to ask for prescriptions the next time they go and they're going to give them to me for Mother's Day. Finally a Mother's Day gift suited to my personality.

Isn't that wonderful of them? Too freaking bad the dentist only prescribes four valium at a time, but with sixteen kids, I'll have....ummm, add three, carry the four....well, enough to last me two weeks at least!

You know what upsets me the most about just finding out about dentists and valium? All this time, I've been suffering through my dentist's stupid jokes and shitty bills SOBER!! That is JUST WRONG.

From now on, any procedure I get, I'm asking if drugs are available. I don't care if it's taking the car in for an oil change. HEEEEY! I wonder if the gyne offers drugs? I swear if all those visits sweating it out in the stirrups sober were for naught, I'm going to scream!

JOB. OVER.

And even though I don't have another new job to go to yet and I probably should be panicked about that.....


*insert MUCH CLAPPING & CHEERING here*



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed with a carton of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, a Harlequin romance novel, industrial strength ear plugs and a bottle of Jack. I should regain consciousness some time next week....

*insert MORE CLAPPING & CHEERING here*

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

my favorite cartoons from childhood

Gawd, I was a friggin' nerd even when it came to cartoons....but note the animal theme!





HR Pufnstuff













And a couple of my grown up favorite cartoons....



Friday, April 23, 2010

I'VE HAD IT!!!!

I canNOT win with my kids. I am SO TIRED of them accusing me of being self-serving and self-absorbed. (Wait, are those two things the same? My Thesaurus is holding up the left front corner of the couch...)

As most of you know, I try sooooo hard to be Mother of the Year--ok I try sooo hard to win that trophy...and I wouldn't turn down the money portion of that award either. Point is, I do anything I can to make my 16 offspring happy.

You know how I mentioned that one of the ways I save money is by buying one Halloween costume that must be shared among two of the offspring? Well, I start searching out bargains as early as I can so I have the costumes all bought by Halloween because you know how picky kids can be. "I don't want to wear Huckleberry Hound! Nobody knows who he is!" Puhleeze. Who doesn't know Huckleberry Hound? He's like coolsville, DaddiO.

So this year, Male Offspring #5 and #6 will have to share a costume. I took into account their personalities and their likes. One likes twine and one likes Jesus, and I bought them this costume, which I think is PERFECT for them:



















And all I asked in return for letting them wear this way groovy costume was that they wear this badge:





















Would you believe they actually turned on me and said the costume was all about me? That I was selfish! ME?! ME?! I don't see it. Those little ungrateful brats.

BTW, I blurred that kid's face out because I don't think he should have to live with the shame of wearing those tight, stretchy pants on the internet for the rest of his life. You just know that seconds after he becomes world famous, someone is going to find this costume picture and humiliate the hell out of him.

fall from grace


When we were at the Pittsburgh Zoo last fall, there was a sign at the elephant exhibit comparing the height/weight of the animals to other species, including people, namely Ben Roethlisberger.

Apparently folks got a bit pissed about that, considering his much talked about troubles and the Zoo removed his name & likeness from the exhibit and replaced him with Mario Lemieux.

It's funny because I remember reading that aloud as we passed because I had no idea Roethlisberger was 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Geez, you know it's bad when the Zoo folks aren't happy with you.

And speaking of really shitty things in Pittsburgh....sigh.

i thank God for all the handy men in this world

A piece broke off of the weed eater, and I called to order it, thinking the number on it was the part number.

Turned out it wasn't.

The guy said, "Let's try this, what does the part do?"

Sigh.

Doesn't he know I'm BLONDE, damn it?!

I said, "Ok, but this isn't going to be pretty. You start the weed eater, then you press this thingy and that makes the thingy with the cord in it go around."

He said, "And which thingy do we want?"

I said, "The thingy you press."

He said, "Ok, that thingy is a throttle trigger."

I looked online a while ago and found it. Lo and behold, he was exactly right!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Yay!

Fox renews 'Cops' for 23rd season

Fox is renewing one of the longest-running shows in primetime, "Cops," for a 23rd season.

The show will soon celebrate its 800th episode on the network and has shown 2,044 arrests across 140 U.S. cities.

"We're doing gangbusters," creator John Langley said. "It's an existential variety show -- dramatic, life-threatening, philosophical and legal. We're still the only show on television with no script, no actors, no host and no re-enactments."

Despite its age, the franchise also ranks as one of the few primetime broadcast series to maintain its ratings this year. Although Friday shows have been declining, Saturday night's "Cops" continues to rake in a steady 5 million viewers per week and a 1.7 rating in the adult demo.

Launched in 1989, the show has changed little over the years and outlived a legion of imitators. Most recently, A&E's "Steven Seagal Lawman" drew comparisons to the Fox show. Langely said he isn't a fan of "Lawman," where cameras follow Seagal on duty with a Louisiana sheriffs department.

READ ENTIRE ARTICLE HERE

yes, i'm this bored

I NEVER do meme's but I stole this from Weink....


1. The first thing I do in the morning is Hit my snooze button. I have it timed out exactly so I can hit it four times. Don't ask me why I don't just get up. I feel like I'm getting something EXTRA by hitting the snooze.
2. Every night before bed I Say my night prayers and read either a romance or self-help book, and try to think of something I can add to the plot of my romance novel in the making.
3. My favorite thing to do when I'm having a bad day is Eat some food that feels comforting, but is really bad for me, like macaroni and cheese or something yeasty and blogging about it helps, too.
4. Something that makes me cringe is People who are outright rude and seemingly oblivious to the fact.
5. Social situations Let's just avoid those, thank you very much.
6. I like to collect BOOKS!!!
7. Weekends are for Sleeping in till noon on Saturday with the dog, walking with my husband on Sunday and then relaxing.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I gave my notice today


I was watching Oprah today and she was talking to people who were working their dream jobs. One woman said, "I love my job. I've never sat on the edge of the bed and said I didn't want to go to work today."

Well, that would describe at least one day a week for me since I took this day job back in October. Dear Lord, has it been THAT LONG?!

So, when the opportunity presented itself today, I gave notice. I've been hoping for another job to open up and supposedly it's going to in May, but now I'm at the point where I don't even care. I was trying to hang on until the last minute but this job is JUST. KILLING. MY. SOUL.

From the very first day the bitter old woman told me I "wasn't worth" what she was paying me, as if she was paying me $5000 an hour. My stomach just sank and I felt utter despair. And that's no exaggeration.

Well, I gutted it out all these months, but I've totally had it. I'm moving on to someone who will appreciate me and to a job I LOVE. I just know it and I accept it as true. And so it is.

Monday, April 19, 2010

he said, she said



Since Mr. G and I paid off da trailer...YAY!...we've been putting the money that we normally paid on the mortgage into savings. Well, my work has been really shitty lately and the bills are piling up with all the car inspections and registrations coming due.

Sunday when we were walking, he said, "Last night I was laying in bed thinking that instead of putting the money in savings, we better spend it on inspections and registration because we're going to be too far behind financially since the taxes are due, along with the car stuff and all our regular bills."

I said, "You know what I was thinking about in bed last night? Last winter, when I took out all the hats and gloves, you didn't have one pair of gloves. Then I bought you three pair this winter. Yesterday when I was rounding up all the winter stuff to store, I didn't find ONE PAIR of gloves for you. And I'm not buying new gloves next winter!"

He said, "THAT'S what you think about in the middle of the night?!"

I said, "Yes, three o'clock in the morning, I'm laying there trying to figure out how you could have lost three pairs of gloves!"

Then he said a tad sarcastically, "I'm so glad all of our REAL problems have been solved that this is all you have to think about..."

Hey, they were damn nice gloves I bought him and I STILL don't know where they are!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

dirty joke o' the day

Q. How does Popeye keep his favorite tool from rusting?

A. He puts it in Olive Oyl.

Freebie joke!

Q. What is the most popular four letter word used in a brothel?

A NEXT!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

dirty joke o' the day

Q. What should you get for the girl who has everything?

A. Penicillin

Bonus Joke!

Q. What do you call a masturbating bull?

A. Beef Stroganoff

Saturday, April 03, 2010

woof woof

BG sent me a link to this book, and I won't give the name because it's just coming out and it might be a very good book.

However, the description leaves much to be desired. Here it is from Amazon:

"The long, lean deputy couldn't hide his fascination with the mystery lady he'd discovered. Something about her vulnerability, her wistfulness drew Brady Donovan as no one else ever had. In fact, when she left the hospital, he named her "Lass" and brought her to his family's ranch to finish recuperating.

But as the attraction between them grew, Brady fought contradictory urges. He wanted to claim Lass as his own—but what if she was already spoken for? Why was she abandoned on the side of the road—and why was no one searching for her? In the end, would Brady's own heart be lost…or found?"

He named her "Lass"? He brought her home to his ranch to recuperate? She was abandoned on the side of the road? At times, it's hard to tell if they're talking about a woman or a dog!

BTW, naming a woman "Lass"? Wow, that took a lot of thought....LOL!