Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
He neglected to say he'd more than likely be surrounded by body guards, making it a TAD safer for him than regular folks.....
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk said, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Luthern and 6 Baptists."
Sunday, December 27, 2009
FO#1: "Yeah, I didn't steal enough of your Christmas cards when I was home last month, so next year, I'll be sure to steal an entire box."
Me: "Good thinking."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sooooooooooo, I decided to go shopping last night after work. We decided we were just going to buy each other a few small gifts in the $50-$75 range. Nothing extravagant because I just don't have it. They were calling for a snow storm, but it wasn't supposed to start till midnight, which would have given me an hour to speed through the store like a tornader in a trailer park and grab my stuff. I told myself that if it started snowing by the time I got out of work, I wouldn't go. Well, it was snowing, so I didn't go.
Today the boss's son from my night job called and asked if I could work this afternoon since she had a bit of a medical emergency that needed my attention. I said I could. After all, I have studded tires and a Rio that goes pretty much anyway. Screw that snow storm! Or so I thought. I had to grind my way up both side streets to get to the main street and that was AFTER they'd been plowed.
I called my husband after I got home and told him I knew what I was going to get with any money I received for Christmas: 2 new studded tires.
He's like, "NO WAY! Those tires are good! You just need to get a good start up the hill."
Yes, we've only lived here 20+ years. Why didn't *I* think of that?
I said, "Fine, when you get home, you try it."
So, long story short, I now have to order two new studded winter tires Monday morning with a price tag of almost $200. Lovely.
I will have shelled out over $450 for these two bills in two weeks. And I'm still no closer to getting those damn gifts.
I know I should be grateful that I have a good car and two jobs and an income, but once JUST ONCE, I'd like to have a fun Christmas, where I can buy a few gifts and not have to worry about $ and bills.
If that chubster doesn't come through for me this year, NO COOKIES AND SOUR MILK NEXT YEAR!!!!
And I'm not fooling, Fatboy!!!
I know it doesn't take much to hold a child's interest but that's no excuse for a lousy plot. The plot was stupid--yes, stupider then believing four rodents were members of an elite team. I mean, seriously, FBI guys engaged in a high speed chase with hamsters in balls? And smashing and rolling their SUVs over same said hamsters in balls? That is one GIANT sucking sound I hear.
The only bright spot was the funny lines between Juarez (Penelope Cruz), Blaster (Tracy Morgan) and Darwin (Sam Rockwell) as they tried to figured out which of the male hamsters Juarez was interested in.
She wrote on her Facebook page: "Men are like government bonds. They take way too long to mature."
Juarez accidentally blurted out to Blaster that she was interested in Darwin. Darwin overhears and later shows up at her door.
Darwin: Juarez, I hear over the wire you're interested.
Juarez: I'm not interested.
Darwin: That's not what you told Blaster.
Juarez: Don't you get it? I want him interested in me. And he'll only be interested if he thinks I'm not.
Darwin: But you are interested.
Juarez: I am.
Darwin: But not in me?
Juarez: No, no, no. Because you know you can have me, which makes you not interested and therefore I wouldn't be interested in you even if I were.
Later, Darwin told Blaster Juarez was really interested in him.
Darwin: Blaster, I need to tell you something about Juarez. You have nothing to worry about. She's not interested in me.
Blaster: She told you that?
Darwin: Yeah, she really wants you. She's trying to make you more interested in her by acting disinterested.
Blaster: Yeah, well maybe she told you she wants me in order to look not interested in you which makes you more interested in her.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I was emailing my gf and I sent her the link to the chocolate chip cookie recipe, along with the note, "I can't wait to try this!"
She wrote back saying, "REALLY???!!! Won't hubby care?"
I said, "Why in the world would he care? They sound delish."
Alas, I'd sent her the link to the male prostitutes story.
"Some women who were involved with the married pro golfer say they received monthly payments with the implication being that they would keep quiet about any relationship."
Women? Keep quiet about the fact that they're sleeping with a married celeb?! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Wow, Tiger has no smarts when it comes to women, does he?
Monday, December 14, 2009
My dog keeps eating these stupid burrs. Well, I guess they're burrs, that's what we've always called them.
She'll eat them, then they'll get stuck in her throat and she'll race around frantically eating anything she can to make herself throw up. And I mean ANYTHING, including dryer sheets, grass, paper and dead leaves. The cycle is lovely to watch.
One would think that once you've gagged on something about twenty times, you'd know better. Apparently not. I don't even know why she eats the stupid things. I'm guessing they must taste like chicken...
They've hired high priced call girl Ashley Dupree as their advice columnist.
This will be great. I mean, come on. You don't want to ask an EXPERT about important things pertaining to your relationships, you want to ask a hooker, who sleeps with complete strangers for cash, and whose sole criteria for a "relationship" is $$$$$.
I've already sent in my first "relationship" question: "How much should I be charging for blowjobs? I'm not sure about the going rate."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
'Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.'
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
'A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.'
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
'The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.'
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
'The SPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.'
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
'Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of GPS navigation system, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the SPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.'
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
'You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.'
Now I kinda wanna buy that book....
It appears Linda Reilly wrote a rather interesting book in this same series. The guy is not only gay, he's also a Jewish vampire. She's very cleverly appealing to many sectors of society.
I think I'm going to write a romance about a lesbian Jewish Secret Service vampire who secretly longs to be with a Gentile lesbian international counter spy werewolf. Take that, Linda!
I'm listening to the kids talking to Santa, and I must admit, they're clever little stinkbugs. Santa asks, "Have you been good this year?" and of course, they all lie and say 'yes', but when Santa asks them HOW they've been good, the little buggers all know what Santa wants to hear..."helping people".
Now this is where Santa pisses me off. Instead of calling them on this, Santa just says, "Ok, then." WRONG! We need the scoop, the dip and the 411. Santa should ask them HOW they're 'helping people'. Hell, one of my offspring helped themselves to a stranger's wallet, does that mean he should get that GI Joe doll he's been dogging me about?! Well, I guess that's a moot point since he bought himself one with the money he stole, saving me the trouble of buying it with my Southern Comfort money, but you follow the way I've drifted.
As this holiday season reaches it's "climax" may I just remind you of this nasty little affair between Santa and Furkey Joe...
Friday, December 11, 2009
I know picking a name for your new baby is hard, after all, there are soooo few to pick from. If only someone would compile a bunch of names in a book, and call it ...oh, I don't know, something like "Baby Names", wow, that would make the process so much simpler, wouldn't it?
To all you expecting parents in the process of name picking, I say: PLEASE no more Willie Williams or John Johnsons or Jeremiah Jeremiahs. NO more Al Albertsons or John Johns or Tim Timmons.
Put a little thought into it and know that it's permissible to move up and down the alphabet when choosing first names. One is not legally bound to use the same beginning letter in the first name as well as the last.
And knock off the screwy spellings. No more 'Barbee' instead of 'Barbie', no more 'Jayme' instead of 'Jamie' and for the love of Pete, no more 'Leanne', 'Leeanne' or 'Leeann' instead of 'Leann.'
And what's up with people whose kids all have to have the same initials? What's the purpose of this? Are these parents so heavy into monogramming clothes they they figure they can pass them down from oldest to youngest without ever having to rip those initials off?
Celebs can blame ridiculous names on their "eccentricities" (in the average Joe and Jo, we recognize these as "mental problems"), but po' people have no excuses. Aside from DNA and chubby thighs, a name is the first thing you give your child. Don't embarrass the hell out of them right out of the starting gate.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Driving to and from work last night was a NIGHTMARE. When I left home, we had gotten a light covering of snow and were getting sleet. In the next two boroughs and into the city, the streets were just wet.
Ten minutes after I got to work, I looked outside and the streets were covered with snow. On the way home it was snowing until I got into my township and we were back to the sleet and freezing rain.
It was like driving in sand, and it instantly brought to mind the older cars that used to fishtail in bad weather. Ick.
Of course, I managed to get behind the one person who decided the weather reports had nothing to do with him, and he was going to hang onto those summer tires with both hands. Sigh.
Oh, to be rich and retired!!!!
Monday, December 07, 2009
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’
The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
Sunday, December 06, 2009
I made the male offspring read several articles about the dangers of using a chainsaw at night time, then bundled them up and sent them off with some hott chocolate, a floodlight and a well oiled chainsaw.
I'm not much on power tools, does anyone know if you can get a silencer for your chainsaw? Just askin' is all....for next year.
I also gave them strict instructions NOT to drag the tree directly home after the cops followed the trail of pine needles right to our place last year. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I told them to take a sled with them, drag the tree to a neighbor's yard and at that point, put it on the sled and then pull it home.
The cops will be none the wiser.
It's like I have to tell those kids everything.
I said, "Honey, let's do something FUN tonight!"
He said, "What? We had sex this morning."
I guess I've reached my "fun limit" for the day.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
We have our first official snow and our first official snow plowing!!
Now this is not to be confused with a REAL snow because in that case, you wouldn't see the snow plow at all.
No, this is one of those snows where you can still see grass in places, which seems to bring the snow plow guys out in full force. Days that also bring the snow plow guys out in full force are at the END of winter when the roads are just wet, it's sunny, but snowflakes are flying! And so are the sparks from the back of the plow as the blade scrapes bare road.
This type of snow also brings out the neighbor GUY (women aren't this gullible) who just got a new snow blower toy and is anxious to try it out. This is usually the same neighbor GUY who is thrilled he doesn't have to ride his riding lawn mower anymore cuz it's such hard work. Oh, for the first few days of this glorious snow, he'll be blowing and clearing everything in his way. Path for the dog to pee? No problem. Path to get to the shed to get the snow blower out? Why that's essential. Path to the bird feeders? You got it. Three more weeks into winter and he'll realize that snow blowing is more work than cutting grass because he can't sit on his ass to do it.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Holy crap, are they ever big! (How big are they, Goddess? I'd say about a third of a pound...)
They tasted really good, but they have this odd sauce, which must be mayonnaise based. I can't quite pinpoint the ingredients though.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
I've never seen a singer avoid moving as much as she is in this video. Weird.