Wednesday, September 30, 2009

it's bad enough when there's "P" in the "OOL"....

YUCK! There ain't enough chlorine in the WORLD...
-----
Feces-covered nude man jumps into man's pool

A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report shows 21-year-old Robert Stark Higgins was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft.

The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities said Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking.

He was being held at the Martin County Jail on $10,500 bail. Jail officials said he did not immediately have an attorney.

LINK

stove top stuff it

Our stove died on us today. Let us all have a moment of silent meditation for it's cheaply built soul.

Actually the oven element snapped. I love how cheap they're making the damn things. Used to be they plugged into a socket in the back, and if it went bad, you just yanked it out and replaced it with a new one. Now they're bolted in and you have to get a whole new stove.


Luckily, we kept Mr. G's mom's stove when she sold her house two years ago. We kept it covered in the shed, so I was a little worried that it might not work. And that I might be bringing a family of mice into the house along with the stove.

I was able to get the old stove out of the kitchen myself, but I couldn't get the newer stove to budge out of the shed so I had to wait until Mr. G came home. He took one look at the stove on the back porch and said, "You REALLY need to get back to work if you're THIS bored."

I said, "Honey, I'm not THAT desperate for something to do!" Although, I was actually considering cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. How sad is that?! "The oven element broke and I need you to help me get your mother's stove into the kitchen."

Thankfully, it fit through the doorways with no problem.

As I was washing up the newer stove, I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye and there was a mouse in the kitchen. I'm yelling, "MOUSE! MOUSE!!" and my husband is outside paying no attention. So I grabbed this big male cat who has been hanging around the house and threw it into the corner with the mouse. I'm thinking it could stand to EARN some of that food he's been sucking down like there's no tomorrow. Well, the mouse stands up on his back legs and the damn cat bolts out of the kitchen and runs to the back door, crying and belly aching frantically to get out. Clearly he's never earned his supper.

I'm yelling, "You lousy, good for nothing BABY!" Hell, I could have caught the damn thing myself...if he hadn't reared up on his hind legs and scared me...

Yeah, I was afraid, but I have an excuse that the cat doesn't: I don't have balls!!

Later, I said to Mr. G, "That cat should have gone after that mouse pronto. After all, he still has his balls."

Mr. G: "What does that have to do with anything?"

Me: "Well, wouldn't his hunting instincts be sharp if he isn't fixed?"

Mr. G: "Yeah, if he's hunting for pussies in heat."

Damn it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

song I'm currently stuck on

I love the lines, "It's like tryin' to turn around on a one way street, I can't give you what you want and it's killing me."

this is a question for all you cigarette smokers...


I'm not a smoker, but I'm trying to get a good conspiracy theory going.

The lady I take care of smokes Jacks, similiar to the package shown here. She is constantly complaining that the cigarettes are going out. Sometimes she has to relight a cigarette four times. I keep trying to tell her it's God's way of frustrating her into quitting, but she ain't buying it.

Anywho, we all know that every company has tried to cut back on their product size/quality lately and I'm wondering if the cigarette companies aren't adding more crap and less tobacky, causing the cigarettes to go out more?

So I'm wondering, is anyone else noticing this problem? Or is Jacks just a crappy, cheap cigarette?

Monday, September 28, 2009

if you believed all the hype

About how the Jay Leno show was NEW, you're going to be bitterly disappointed when you watch it. It's the same show, minus the couch. Actually, I take that back. It's an UNFUNNY version of the Jay Leno show, but this bit with Kate Flannery (The Office) was hilarious. The only funny thing we saw all last week.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

hee haw

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘’But we don’t know anything about each other.'’ He said, ''That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.'’

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

‘’That was incredible!'’ she said.

‘’I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.'’

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

‘’That was incredible!” he said. “Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''

‘’No,'’ she said, ‘’I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.'’

it was a sucky tv Sunday

The Simpsons started their 20th season tonight, proving that mediocre TV lives on. Seth Rogan was bragging about how happy he was to write the season opener. Perhaps that happiness was a bit premature. The show sucked. Hey, it's nothing if not consistent.

It seemed to be a day of sucking, thank you, Steelers. Sigh.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

after just a week and a half...

I have officially crossed over into the "I'm depressed because I lost my day job and I hate being home" zone.

I hate it here. It's dark and grey and all I wanna do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

Sigh.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

i got a feeling

Mr. G and I went grocery shopping this morning and we noticed a disturbing trend. Yes, more disturbing than "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"

WalMart has changed the packaging of it's Great Value line with a vengeance. BTW, notice how you're seeing less of a variety of brands at WallyWorld and more of their OWN crap? Especially after they do their major reset. They totally purged the women's department and one sales associate told me they would only be selling ONE brand of clothing. Thanks for taking the decision making out of my hands, WalMart!

The Great Value line wouldn't be so bad if the packaging wasn't so doggone FUGLY.

Check it out. This is how the Great Value products USED to look. They're colorful and eye appealing. Hell, I want to buy shortening and cloves, and I don't even use them. 'Cept at Thanksgiving in my pumpkin pie.














This is what the cereal boxes look like now.










Next to the brand name cereals those plain boxes SCREAM "generic!!!!"
On the upside, I guess WalMart is saving a ton on colored ink....

Friday, September 18, 2009

that had to hurt

David Caruso's ex-girlfriend has agreed to the dismissal of a lawsuit against the actor claiming intentional infliction of emotional distress.

"Intentional infliction of emotional distress," eh? What did he do? Force her to sit through one of his scenes?

unreal

This is from 1970, and the minute it started playing I remembered every word.

anybody know what this is?

This is as clear of a picture as I could get because it's waaay, waaay up in the tree. The tree guy said it was a squirrel's nest, but it looks like possum faces. What is it?
Bruno, I'm guessing you would know....

Thursday, September 17, 2009

not exactly every woman

Sadly, she sounds like she's been chain smoking for 40 years. She's out of breath and every time it comes to a high note, she drops off and lets the back up singers fill in for her. Clever how she blames it on her interview with Oprah the day before. I can't wait to hear how they've doctored up this voice for the CD because it has to have taken some major reworking.

I never liked Whitney because she was so obviously stuck on herself, but there was no denying her voice was a wonderful gift, which she seems to have taken for granted.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Time Traveler's Wife

Ok, here's my review of the movie:

He's there, he's not there, he's naked, he's there, he's not there, he's naked, she's pregnant, she's not pregnant, she's pregnant, she's not pregnant, old him has vasectomy, young him sexes her up, she's pregnant, he's there, he's not there, he's naked, the kid is there, the kids not there, he's been shot, *GASP* he's dead. Son of a bitch, he's back.

Good thing they get along because this guy is like a husband ya can't shake for all eternity.

And I've seen more of Eric Bana's naked ass than I care to, thank you very much.

Funny part of the movie was after she married him and then was pissed that he kept disappearing. Hey, not like she didn't know he was a time traveler BEFORE she married him.

All in all, don't waste your money. You can smell this stinker five miles away.

Monday, September 14, 2009

it was the best of times, it was the worst of Kanye West

Kanye West acted like a total ignoramus at the MTV video music awards ceremony last night when he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to say that he thought Beyonce should have won.

And Beyonce, in turn, acted with total class when, after winning her award, she called Taylor Swift back out onto the stage so she could have her moment in the sun.

Kanye should have been kicked out of the awards all together after that. If an audience member had done that, they certainly would have. And besides, it would have been no great loss.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

everything is never as it seems

Coming home from work on Saturday nights, I listen to Open House Party with John Garabeadian.

I cannot BELIEVE that stupid Fireflies song from Owl City is climbing to number one on the charts! Let me throw some of the lyrics at you.
"Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head"
and as if that isn't bad enough
"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere"

What the HELL is he smoking?! Next time spring for some good dope. This goofy song is like that crappy "Seasons in the Sun" from my generation.
"Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Little children everywhere."
What the fuck?! Way to harsh my mellow.

When I was little, I began writing my own songs. One of my favorites had a chorus that began with the line, "I like cookies, I like Kool Aid, I liked peanut buddah cups". Tonight when I was coming home, I heard that "hotel, motel, holiday inn" song and I thought, "Shhhhhit. Had I known this sort of crap was going to sell, I would have pursued that song writing career much more seriously."

BTW, "Fireflies?" "Owl City?" He's got the whole animal thing going. I could have had the whole food thing going. I could have called my group the Processed Foods or Canned Goods.

i'm going off the rails on a crazy train

For some weird reason, I'm attracted to train graffiti. Who knows? Maybe I was a wildly famous artist in a previous lifetime. Or perhaps someone who committed misdemeanor crimes? Ok, more than likely someone who huffed paint and lived in railroad cars with other hobos.

Anywho.

I realized quickly there are three rules to train graffiti.

First of all, you MUST NOT write so that it can be read by others!!!

Picture number one is a blatant example of how NOT to do train graffiti. Mike, you should be ashamed of yourself for having such a lack of artistic bent that all you could come up with was scribbling your name on the side of a train car. Jebus. You probably still color on the walls at home.


[CLICK ON PICTURES TO ENLARGE]










The second rule of thumb for train graffiti is that you must write in big exaggerated roundy (or sharpy) letters that can't be deciphered by anyone.

The final rule states the letters must be jumbled all up on top of each other and squeezed together like po' folks in a trailer.


Like this....
















And this...














Annnnnd this...













And this brings me to the single best piece of train graffiti I've ever seen. I don't know who the author is, hell, I don't even know what it says, but I recognize a big pink glazed donut when I see one. Oh yeah, and Homer. And why the HELL does my camera insist on dating everything 1971?!

you ungrateful brats!!!


Shoebox Blog

random stuff

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, "Yes, Jesus, I'll ride with you." Hey, if He's paying for gas, I'll ride with him, too.

Some guy on tv was talking to his daughter (or his wife, can't remember which) about her stripping career and he said, "You can't dance forever..... they can only turn the lights down so low."

Why does the bee on the Nasanex commercial talk with a foreign accent? Outsourcing our bee acting jobs now, are we? American bees everywhere are probably screaming "They're stealing our jobs!"

Speaking of commercials, have you ever noticed that the "rock" climbing chick on the Claritin commercial is hanging on to the "rocks" by the PADS of her fingertips? How the hell does that work?

I was watching one of those 'inside prison' shows and the prisoner said, "I've been in prison since the '80's. When I get out I just want to retire." From WHAT?! A life of crime, I guess. Seems to be the only job he's ever had.

LOL!

Joel McHale on reports that Andy Griffith was using Viagra:
"Looks like Matlock finally found something that will stand up in court."

Thursday, September 10, 2009

so I picked up muh tombstone today....

Gotta pay for these things
when I have $ and the sane
mind to know what I want
sandblasted onto the headstone.
I thought I'd go with something
sentimental.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

f*ing ENOUGH already

Today I was waiting at the chiropractor's office and his staff had the TV set to CNN. Unfortunately, A.J. Hammer was on with his much ado about nothing celebrity gossip Showbiz Tonight show.

They mentioned a story about Chris Brown ragging on Oprah because of her comments about the Rhianna beating and I was interested in seeing what the little idiot who doesn't know when to shut up had to say. (Yeah, I'm crabby. You'd be crabby too if you had to sit through that shit AND pay $25 to do it.)

Anywho, they start the show off Jon and Kate from the show "Jon and Kate: They Don't Give A Shit About Their Eight." Apparently Jon spoke out about Kate and said that he "despised" her and that she "verbally abused" him. Ok, from the snippets I've seen of Kate on the show, if she talked to him that way ON camera, I can only imagine how she talked to him OFF camera. Here's where Jon went wrong: HE KEPT HAVING KIDS WITH A WOMAN WHO TREATED HIM LIKE SHIT.

But what galled me the most was the way A.J. Hammer kept fueling the fires, spending the first 30 minutes of an hour show on these two. Then he'd say that they needed to stop running each other day down because some day their kids would see the footage. I guess it made him feel good about himself because he'd say it every time he aired footage of them running each other down. He actually had the balls to say THEY were hypocrites.

The media is every bit as responsible for this train wreck as Jon and Kate are. They took a stand on Octomom and they need to take a stand here, too. They need to STOP RUNNING STORIES ABOUT THESE NO NAME IDIOTS, and yeah, that includes you, A.J. Hammer.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Happy Labor Day!

Don't work too hard....

it's all about the money

I was reading an article in the paper about how the gub'ment is trying to find new ways for people to save.

If the sleazy banks that we bailed out aren't going to give us any interest because the FDIC raised bank fees, then it's all for naught. Damn CD's are only paying about 1-2%. It's all a joke anyway, when the banks turn right around and raise fees so they're still raking in billions and we're still being screwed up the ass sans Astroglide.

One of the things they're talking about is offering people the opportunity to receive their income tax refund in the form of government bonds. No way in hell. The government is like the lottery these days. If you win anything, take the money in full because you never know when they're going to go belly up.

holiday...celebrate


Mr. G and I were laying in bed this morning and I said, "I want to go out to eat on Monday because it's a holiday. I have to work and you don't, and I shouldn't have to come home and cook an entire meal."

Mr. G: "You haven't cooked in ages!"

Me: "What's your point?"

Saturday, September 05, 2009

heaven must be missing an angel if I'm here

When I went into work this evening, the woman I take care of was already in bed.

I walked into the room quietly, letting my eyes adjust to the light from the tv. I didn't say anything at first because I didn't want to scare the crap out of her, and I wanted to be sure she was just sleeping and not.....you know.........dead.

After a few seconds, she opened her eyes and looked and me, and I said, "Why are you in bed? It's only 9:15."

She said, "You know, I thought I was in Heaven and when I opened my eyes and saw you standing there, I thought you were an angel."

I said, "Sorry, not even close."

Then she said, "I think it's the blonde hair and blue eyes."

It made me think about how all of us have preconceived ideas about Heaven, Hell, angels, God, Jesus, etc.

I said, "I don't know about the blonde hair and blue eyes, but I think these jeans just scream 'ANGEL'."

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

don't go away mad...just go away

Wow. Knocking up Sara Palin's daughter was probably the smartest career move Levi Johnston ever made. He's been on all sorts of talk shows, he had the GQ spread and he even said he would pose nude if the price is right.

Yes, Levi. We get that you will do anything (and anyONE) for fame and fortune.

Now if you would just go away.

up in smoke

I told Mr. G that he is absolutely FORBIDDEN to rent any more Gunsmoke DVD's until such time as I can get Dennis Weaver's hickish accent out of my head. When he says "Mister Dillon"--which clocks in at about 25 times per episode-- it comes out as "Mister Dealin'."

I don't get why he continues to call Marshall Dillon, "MISTER". He's either "Marshall" or "Matt." For pete freaking sake, they've been tracking down murderers together, tied up and left for dead together, they've even hustled Miss Kitty together and yet that idiot Chester STILL calls the Marshall "MISTER DEALIN".

Geez, what does he have to do to get the Marshall to say, "Call me 'Matt'?" I can picture him going down on Matt and saying, "Was that as good for you as it was for me, Mister Dealin'?" I didn't realize they stood on such formality in the old West.

And could Chester be any more good for nothing? Every time something happens, he goes running for the Marshall. He doesn't do anything on his own. Hell, he rarely carried a gun! I guess he figured since he was deputized, he wasn't doing the work.

During one episode that we watched yesterday, a guy was beating up on his wife and the Marshall stopped him. He said, "Hey, I'm her husband! I have my rights." Oy.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

porn in the u.s.a.

Mr. G and I were in bed spending 'quality time'. (That's what it's called when you talk instead of sexing it up.) We were discussing a story we'd read in the local paper about all the cuts that are being made at the city library.

The idiots in Harrisburg still haven't come up with a budget --but give them time, they're only about eight or nine months late--and it's starting to impact just about every government program on the books, including child day care centers and senior citizen programs.

The library decided to park the Bookmobile and I was telling Mr. G how we used to love the Bookmobile when we were kids. My parents only had one car and with a big family, there was no way my mother was going to take precious time away from cleaning house to schlep us kids to the library anyway.

So the Bookmobile would come to the local Acme parking lot and we'd walk down and get a nice bag of books to keep us occupied for two weeks until it came back again.

I was telling Mr. G all of this and he seemed to be interested in everything I was saying. Suddenly he looked at me and said, "Huh. I wonder why nobody ever came up with a 'Pornmobile'?"

Thus proving that men only think about two things: sex and when they're going to get sex.

the fire trucks are comin' up around the bend

After seeing pieces of Larry King's interview with Chris Brown and his mommy, I don't know which one of them is more delusional.

When Larry King asked him what he felt when he heard the charges against him and the things he'd done, he said, "That's not who I am....I don't know what to think." And his mommy said, she was "baffled" by his behavior after admitting he came from a home with a history of domestic violence.

Obviously Junior, it IS who you are. Man up and admit it. Waffling makes you look like an even BIGGER pussy than you already are.

And Mom, take the blinders off. Kids learn what they see. Duh.

Mystery solved.