Monday, August 31, 2009

I always like the funny forwards...

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. (LOL! Veeeery true:)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. (Really? Wow. I haven't experienced that yet;)

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

There is a great need for sarcasm font. (Indeed!)

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my @$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

they have officially danced their asses off

Even though I was NOT a fan of her pained expressions, I was happy to see Alicia won $5000 in last night's Dance Your Ass Off competition and lost 48 pounds. She looked great in her black dress at the end, but of course, she also grimaced her way through the results. Ugh.

I'm glad Reuben won because he has improved consistently each week, and because he and his partner really needed the money since his partner lost his health insurance.

I have to say Shayla looked fantastic and she has really shaped up since she started the show.

How sad for Pinky, though, losing by .5 of a pound!

if it ain't broke, don't try to improve upon it

The other day my husband and I were in a randy mood and decided to make whoopee. Now I've always used a small pillow under the small of my back/butt and for some reason, I thought if I folded it to raise my butt even higher the penetration would be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC.

I didn't mention this 'surprise' to my husband because I know how he hates change of ANY KIND. Hell, I can't even TALK about moving the couch without him getting all stressed out.


What I didn't realize though is that because we're almost the same height, raising my body put me above my husband when he's on his knees. He took about four stabs at it, then sat back and shouted in frustration, "I can't get in!"

I could not help it. I just burst out laughing because he said it like I had downloaded an updated version of my p*ssy and hadn't given him the log-in information.

Needless to say I was very honest and said, "Hmm, weird. Must be the bed."

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I'm alright, don't nobody worry 'bout me














I was rather RELIEVED to hear Rescue Me is going to end on September 11th, 2011, the tenth anniversary of 9/11.


I thought it was excellent in the first few seasons, but the HUGE lag time of 19 months between last season and the current season has caused me to lose a lot of interest in the show. I've seen every ep from the previous seasons and only about four or five of this one so far. I'll catch up sooner or later, even if it's when the DVD comes out, but there's not rush to watch it ASAP anymore.

IMO, the show has become too repetitive. I've mentioned before that if anyone took as many beatings as Tommy Gavin does, they'd be dead by now. And no matter how severe the beatings he took, he never ended up in the hospital. Guess it's a guy thing to crawl home and nurse your wounds.

Heck, even Tommy's sex life has become boring. Bouncing between Shelia and Janet, and anyone else he can find week after week, as if that would really happen for a guy his age. I mean Leary is good looking, but come on. Guys half his age in that fire house with rippling six packs could screw twice as often and more importantly, twice as long. Truthfully, between the beatings and the wall banging sex, I'm surprised this guy can stand.

In my opinion, the true hotties of the show were Robert John Burke (Father Mickey Gavin) and Dean Winters (Johnny Gavin).

lipstick on your collar says you were untrue

I saw this story on the news the other day when I was at work.

A guy cheated on his wife and his punishment was standing at the corner of a very busy intersection wearing a sign that read, "I cheated. This is my punishment."

I don't condone cheating, but the shame on this guy's face makes ME cringe.

The wife made him do it, but as a woman, I'd be more embarrassed with everyone finding out that I'd been cheated on. Guess she's too angry to care at this point, and I guess it says something that he wants to work things out or he wouldn't be standing out there humiliating himself.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

say it isn't so, Bob

Please tell me this is just some bad internet joke.

I can't even understand Bob Dylan when he SINGS, how in the world am I going to understand his GPS directions? Why not just have a chimp give us directions?

*Mumble, mumble turn mumble mumble*

Anybody who buys a car with Dylan's voice as navigational tool better up their insurance because the turns they are a changin'....and probably without warning.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"..and Miss Universe 2009 is.....)

What was up with those STUPID questions asked at last night's Miss Universe pageant? Are they deliberately dumbing down the questions after Miss Teen South Carolina's fiasco? Hell, her question was harder than theirs!




Here are some of the questions: "Do you believe there should be mandatory AIDS testing?" (The only half intelligent question in the bunch); "Has being beautiful kept you from being taken seriously in the business world?" (Quick! Somebody dial 911! We need a whaaaambulance!); "Why do you want to be famous?"; "You were shown in a bathing suit tonight. Some women aren't able to show themselves in swimsuits in their countries. How does that make you feel?" (What a STUPID question); and then some question about being women being held back in business.

What gets me is the way they don't answer the questions. The AIDS question, for instance. The contestant said something along the lines of, "Yes, I believe there should be AIDS testing" and then some bullshit about being careful when having sex. The question concerned MANDATORY AIDS TESTING, and I'm sorry but we've had enough of our freedoms taken away in this world, we don't need to be forced to take medical tests now, too. Besides, a lot of people wouldn't even fall into the high risk category.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

this is downright hilarious

Octomom Nadya Suleman had this to say about Kate Gosselin, "I'm not as attention-seeking as Kate."

Well, of course, she isn't. Nadya just had eight kids and a camera in her home filming her 24/7 for the hell of it.


What an ass.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

still crazy after all these years

Mr. G and I were in bed the other day goofing around. He always holds his arm as stiff as he can and I try to knock it aside.

I said, "Honey, I've been using stronger hand weights. I'm working on those biceps and triceps and one of these days I'm going to knock that arm down like it's nothing!"

At that exact moment he let out a huge fart and said, "There. That's what I think of that idea."

I would have slapped him but I was having trouble breathing...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

i'm picking up good vibrations

I'm in the market for a new Hitachi Wand and I was on one site reading some of the reviews for another vibrator, the AcuVibe. On sale, it costs about twelve dollars more than the Hitachi, so naturally I'm thinking, "Hmm, if it's built similarly but costs more, it must be better, right?"

The reviews were rather interesting.

The first jackass said something about using it on his herniated discs. I'm sorry, but if God wanted us to use vibrators on our backs, He wouldn't have given us clits. And He would have given us herniated discs between our legs.

One reviewer said, "The rechargeable battery hardly lasts more than a couple of minutes after a few weeks of use." Thankfully, it doesn't take me a few weeks to get off.

Another one said, "BUT IT IS CORDLESS WITCH IS A BIG PLUS FOR CAR USE." Yeah, I get orgasmic in the car all the time, especially at the McDonald's drive thru. The smell of artery clogging meat and huge vats of cooking oil is a real turn on. Which witch is which?

One lady said, "It also holds a charge an incredibly long time. My husband is still better, but it takes him about three times as long before I'll climax - which I'm fine with, but part of me feels bad for how hard he has to work at it,..." Lady, "working at it" is his JOB, and he should be GRATEFUL to do it. Besides, I bet he doesn't exactly rush her through the blow jobs.

A male reviewer said, "After 30 years together, this is the first time I've heard my wife "howl"."
Damn. Damn. Damn. Doesn't say much about either of these last two guys' abilities, does it?

A lot of the reviewers bitched about how loud the AcuVibe is so that takes it off the list of possibilities for me. It's hard to sneak an orgasm when it sounds like you're gassing up the leaf blower. Although it would be great if a vibrator could blow back my hair while I was using it, like in all of Heart's 80's music videos..

Saturday, August 15, 2009

i wonder how you're feeling

I was watching the news tonight and they were talking about a group of folks who had gotten together for a fun run in memory of one of their friends. (BTW, what idiot came up with the idea that running for several miles is fun?) They said running was his favorite thing to do, so they were going to honor him by taking part. If you would like to honor me when I'm dead--and I'm sure that's pretty much a given--I suggest you lay around in your underwear, watching COPS and eating cake. I will be so touched as I look down upon you from Heaven. Or Hell. It's rather iffy at this stage of the game.

I can't believe the Philadelphia Eagles were stupid enough to sign Michael Vick, but it makes me happy. If I heard one more "the Steelers are going to sign him" rumor, I would have screamed. Ben Roethlisberger has a K9 Foundation and he donates thousands of dollars to PD's around the country. I hardly think he's going to welcome a dog murderer as a teammate.

storytelling

I'm intrigued by the stories that make our local paper.

One news story I read this week was about a couple of women who entered a man's home and tried to rob him. The police chief said, "He was shocked. He left his door open and she walked right in." Just a thought: lock your damn door.

The second story made the front page. It concerned a robbery attempt at a small drug store. A man walked in, tried to rob the pharmacist, and several patrons grabbed him and wrestled him to the ground. So whose picture made the front page along with the story? The one women who walked in during the middle of the robbery and had no idea what was going on. Worse yet, that's what she was quoted as saying.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I don't think this is what they had in mind when they created the healthy eating pyramid

The lady I take care of at night asked me if I would get her grocery order today.

This is what she asked for: two boxes of strawberry PopTarts, as well as two blueberry and two cinnamon PopTarts, a bag of potato chips, two bags of pretzels, peanut butter, jelly, one bag of cheese twisties, a pack of Oreos, two sleeves of Twix, two sleeves of Baby Ruth, three sleeves of 3 Musketeers, a carton of Marlboro's and THEN she said, "Can you get me some rye bread?"

I said, "I don't think the dollar store carries rye."

She said, "Ohh, I really need rye. It's good for your health."

It was so hard not to burst out laughing.

i'm hott and bothered

Gotta love old people. Actually, no ya don't.

The woman I take care of at night is a chain smoker and I'm a non-smoker. Add to the fact that it's been very hott and humid lately, and old people seem to have an aversion to being the slightest bit COOL. Fresh air to old people is what water was to the wicked witch.

This woman still has all the plastic on her windows from winter. There is not a BIT of air flow in that house. It's downright stifling. I finally asked her son to PLEASE put the screen in the backdoor or take the plastic off the window in the kitchen because the smoke and heat was giving me awful headaches. He called and told me the screen was in, and I thought, "FINALLY! I'll be able to get some air."

Well, he only put the screen in the door. The windows are still sealed shut as if she's terrified some--God forbid!--air might seep in. The first few nights, I had the door open not more than five minutes, and she got up and shut it, saying, "We don't know who could be out there looking in" as if people were huddled in the backyard just waiting for her to open the door so they could rob her.

I complained again to her son and he took the plastic off of ONE WINDOW and put the air conditioner in it.

I thought, "FINALLY! NOW I'll be able to get some air." After working with them all these years, I really don't know old people, do I?

She has those heavy foam backed drapes for winter on year round, so I'd pull the drapes back to allow the air to circulate. After two nights of this, I went in to work last night and she had the foam backed drapes pinned shut OVER the AC.

Fuck.

Monday, August 10, 2009

it's summer learning time!

I have signed up all of the males in the Goddess household for Potty Training Boot Camp, where hopefully they will learn the difference between the rim, the bowl and the FLOOR.

I'm also hoping they cover the difference between a maid and a mother.


I have spoken.

Drop and give me twenty. And wipe up the urine while you're down there.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

could you take my picture cuz I won't remember

I went grocery shopping at WallyWorld Sunday morning with Mr. G. I've been DYING to get a camcorder now that I see JVC has an Everio, that is both camcorder and digital camera, in the $250ish bracket.

They come in shiny blue or shiny candy apple red. I'm blonde. It's a natural fit.

I wanted to hold one in my hand. I wanted to drool over it. I wanted to sneak it into the cart and let Mr. G think he made a huge mistake adding up the groceries.

I managed to get out of the grocery department and lead my husband over to the electronics section. No, he's not like most men. He doesn't get lost there for hours. I do. Since WallyWorld did that damn store reset, putting the dog food near the grocery department, I have no excuse to "accidentally" wander into electronics.

Mr. G said, "While we're here, we need some tapes for the VCR."

I said, "Honey, in what century do you think we'll buy a DVR?"

He had no idea what I was talking about.

I picked up one of their more expensive boring black camcorders and with as much enthusiasm as I usually have when talking about cops, said, "Now THIS is what I want to buy!"

He immediately read the price tag out loud with a frown in his voice. Yes, he can frown and talk at the same time. It usually happens when there's money involved.

He said, "Three hundred and sixty nine dollars.........(wait for it)............ A PIECE?"

He always adds "A PIECE?!" to let you know that he thinks you should get two or three whatever for that outrageous price.

I said, "Oh, I'd never buy one THIS expensive. I'd buy a cheaper model, like this one for $250" cuz I'm nothing if not clever. "When you think about it, honey, I'm saving us one hundred and nineteen dollars."

He said, "I know how you can save us two hundred and fifty dollars..." The killjoy.

Then he gave me a very committed, "We'll see," which means I'll have to sneak valuable doctor bill money out of each pay until I have enough to buy it or I'll never own it. I mean, what's more important? My children's health or the camcorder? Damn straight the camcorder is more important. You can't make funny movies with a polio vaccination!

This is a prime example of why I never take Mr. G along when I'm buying anything in the electronics section...other than tapes for the VCR.


gawd, is my face red

I showed up at my Saturday Night Narcotics Anonymous meeting thinking it was my Sunday Night Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

Don't you just HATE when that happens?!

I couldn't even explain it away with my usual excuse, "Sorry, it's the drugs!"

feeling old today? you might not want to look at this...


And to show just how out of touch I am, the other day when I thought about Bruce Springsteen, I thought, "Wow, he's got to be in his forties by now...." Sigh.

Seems like just yesterday, I was sitting in 9th grade homeroom, and Barbara, the girl who sat in front of me, turned around and said, "Bruce Springsteen is coming to town!" That, my friend, was the equivalent of Moses parting the red sea in this little Boomfrick Nowhere town. When I showed no emotion whatsoever, she said, "You know who he is, right?" With as much scathing as I could muster, I said, "Of COURSE I know who he is." I had no idea who he was.


And NO! this is not MY magazine, it's Mr. G's!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

yet another misunderstood lyric

You know the song, "You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'" from Leo Sayer?
He says, "You've got a cute way of talking
You got the better of me
Just snap your fingers and I'm walking
Like a dog hanging on your lead."

I thought he was singing, "Like a dog hanging on a tree" until my gf laughingly (read: HYSTERICALLY) informed me otherwise last night.

She said, "Didn't you ever wonder why a dog would hang on a tree?!"

I said, "Hey, that's not my problem. I didn't write the damn song."

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Acrodunk

I saw these guys on TV last night and they were AMAZING. The last move is the one that totally blew me away.


I didn't see them the first time around, so I really have to wonder how in the world they even developed this skill?!

That's what I love about this planet, we all have such unique talents!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

me, me, me! how do you like me?!

Wow. How much of an attention seeker do you have to be to do a 'reality' show centered around the fact that your son slept with your wife, his Playboy posing, step mommy dearest?

I always knew Lorenzo Lamas was in love with himself and in love with the thought of everyone else being in love with him, but damn, this is truly pathetic.

He says he's doing it "heal". WHAAAA?! You mean he's not doing it so that "if even one person can be spared his pain it will have been worth it"?! You know that he is sincerely doing it to "heal" by the way he keeps telling everyone they'll just have to watch the show to see how everything turns out.

Lamas also said, "I think it will be interesting for the audience to see how we cope with this new opportunity.”

I, for one, have high hopes for them, because you know what they say, "Money and publicity heal all wounds."

Monday, August 03, 2009

tragic news, kids

Seems Vanilla Ice has a NEW ALBUM coming out.

Quick! Somebody tell him they're not called "albums" anymore.

Yahoo, seriously

I don't know WHAT Yahoo has changed about their email program lately but it has been freezing and slowing down my computer for almost a week now. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to open it.

Every other application works just fine except for this program.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....