Sunday, May 31, 2009

I'll never fall for M&M's LIES again!!!

You've heard M&M's catchphrase, right?

"Melts in your hand, not in the trunk of your car on a hott day?"

LIARS!

I decided to hide my chocolate stash in my car this morning--note to self: stop drinking & thinking! Just drink!

When I felt it was safe to sneak into said stash, I reached into the peanut M&M bag and pulled out a handful of chocolatey mush. I was so disgusted I *almost* threw the bag away. But with all those starving children in Africa, that would be downright criminal, so I was forced to eat them with a spoon.


Moral of the story? Damned if I know. And now my belly hurts from all that candy.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

OMG

You know how I've been cleaning my little heart out lately? I found some of my old school stuff: grades, pics, etc. Well this afternoon, I found my certificate from the FHA: Future HOMEMAKERS of America!

LOL!

ME?! A HOMEMAKER?! How hilarious is that?

I can only assume classes for FTTA (Future Trailer Trash of America) were all full...


Friday, May 29, 2009

let's all go to the lobby...to get ourselves a treat

The people that I work for now have Starz and Encore free movies. It's comical because every day when I get there, one of the family members will have a movie waiting for me to watch. It's been good, though, because I've seen movies that I never would have chosen for myself. Generally if they don't fall into the 'comedy' or 'romance' category, I'm not interested.

In the last two weeks alone I've seen: Mermaids, Henry Poole is Here, Hancock, Walk Hard, The Parent Trap, The Other Boleyn Girl, The Game Plan, The Illusionist, Mad Money, Married Life, Amos & Andrew and My Kid Could Paint That.

Jeebus, I'm about movied out!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

walk hard

I was flipping channels today and I caught a small amount of the Nancy Grace show. It wasn't Nancy, though, it was that woman who always fills in for her. I don't know her name, but she's a Nancy clone in that she's always interrupting and never lets anyone finish their sentences, and she has that badly frosted 'do' like they had back in the 80's.

Anywho, she was talking about that Kate chick from Jon & Kate Plus 8, and she said, "Kate is whining about the press. Boo hoo. She said she didn't sign on for this. But that's EXACTLY what she signed on for when she turned her family into a reality show." Ouch.

I watched the movie, "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" today. It started out to be a very funny movie, but went on waaaay too long. It had great dialogue, like where Dewey was trying to convince his wife that he was going to be a famous musician. He said, "I'm starting to think you don't believe in me." She said, "Of course, I believe in you. I just know you're gonna fail."
Then she said, "What about MY dreams?!"
Dewey said, "For the last time, I can't build you a house made of candy. It would fall down and the sun would melt it!" LOL!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

total bull

Now you just know everybody is going to run out and buy Red Bull. I don't think they could have planned a better marketing strategy if they tried.

Monday, May 25, 2009

an ant can't move that rubbertree plant

For some weird reason, I have a bunch of tiny ants on my kitchen table. I took a paper plate, wrote "ant poison" on it so none of the offspring would think it was some delicious summer fare and sprinkle it on their ice cream, and put it on the table, hoping the ants would walk through it and carry the poison back home with them.

A short time later, Male Offspring #3 came into the living room and said, "Mom, you know that plate you wrote 'ant poison' on? If you wanted the ants to go on it, you should have written 'picnic food' on it instead."

And to think I sent him to private school to get a GOOD education....

how dry I am

I took something or ate something the other day that didn't agree with me, and the skin on my face became really red and dry under my eyes and across my cheekbones.

I couldn't figure out what I ingested, so I began with natural topical ointments, like vitamine e, vaseline and oatmeal cream to see if I could at least get the skin rehydrated. Nothing worked, even though the redness was fading, so I knew the offending ingredient was leaving my system.

Last year, I bought a few sampler kits of Burts Bees products and I found a really thick Coconut Foot Creme with Vitamin E in the package, and even though it was for the feet, I was desperate, so tried it. I can't believe how soft it made my skin. Everything else I tried lay on the surface of my skin, unabsorbed.

If you have any problems with excessively dry skin, try Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme with Vitamin E. It was excellent!

Remember

Sunday, May 24, 2009

zack and miri made their porno

I watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno today, and it was a fairly good movie.

It was probably about as close to a romance as Kevin Smith can get, despite the fact that ONCE AGAIN, the word 'fuck' was used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, object of the preposition and in just about any other way possible. I don't get the appeal of using it two or three times in the same sentence.

If you haven't seen it, Zack & Miri are platonic friends in serious money trouble. They decide to make a porno because one of their old high school friends makes about $100k a year making and distibuting his own porn. Quick! Somebody tell that to the folks who make and distribute their own porn.

BTW, Traci Lords is aging well;).

Here are a few of my favorite lines:

Miri, trying to work up the nerve to attend their high school reunion: "Even though we’re broke and we don’t amount to anything, we’re still better than these people, right?"
Zack: "No, not at all. We’re probably not even as good as most of them, unless one of them is a crack head or something."

Miri, on the subject of making your own porn: "If it’s so easy, why doesn’t everyone do it?"
Zack: "Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have…"

Saturday, May 23, 2009

what does Forbes know that I don't know?

I was reading this article entitled, "The Cars You'll Drive in 2014" and for some weird reason, I'm not seeing a '12 year old hunk a junk Kia Rio' on the list....

what is your eta?

Poor Mr. G still hasn't learned 'offspring speak' yet.

For instance, Female Offspring #1 called Friday night and said she'd be arriving "early in the morning."

Mr. G, funny guy that he is, said, "If she's coming early, maybe we should get up early?"

He hasn't learned that "early" means "I'll be crawling out of bed somewhere around noon, and I'll be there whenevah."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

goin' down that long lonesome highway

One of our neighbors is going to work on my car today and I told Mr. G I'd drop it off after work last night and walk home. It would put me out alone after midnight and he said, "You won't be afraid to walk home by yourself?"

I said, "Why would I be afraid? It's my own neighborhood."

The only thing I was afraid of was skunks. I rounded the corner of the road and came across an opossum sitting in the middle of it. I shined the flashlight on him--gawd they're uglee creatures--and he just sat there, stunned by my beauty...ok, ok, transfixed by the light.

After a few seconds, I said, "Are you rabid or just too stupid to move? BTW, you SUCK at 'playing dead'. Make your body stiff as a board, shut your eyes and roll over, for Pete freaking sake."

Damn neophyte. You have to tell them everything.

boo! hiss!

Not that she wasn't good, but I'm really shocked that Shawn Johnson won Dancing With The Stars. I kinda figured it might be in the cards when I heard them say that never has there been an Olympian in the competition who hasn't won, but still, Gilles and Melissa were soooo much better overall.

Melissa really nailed her opening number.

I wanted Ty to win, and I was bummed when he was kicked out last week.

Disappointing.

more mindless tv

My boss sucked me in to watch The Bachelorette last night. One of the big drawbacks of working seven nights a week.

I saw something on that show last night I hoped I'd NEVER see: a white guy break dancing. Worst of all? He claims to be a break dance INSTRUCTOR. WTF? Who in their right minds is break dancing these days? Besides, white guys?

Even WORSE than all of that? Another white guy challenged to him to a 'break dance off' . He was in his 30's and said, "I learned to break dance in high school." Yeah, and that was the last time it was popular, dude, Buy a clue. Sadly, I think she picked this guy. Luckily, she didn't pick the one wearing the goofy leather jacket and the 70's hairdo. I'm glad, lest we be subjected to them having a big 'moon walking competition'.

I can't believe she picked that freaky foot fetish guy, too! "I can tell if I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman just by looking at her feet." Glad you're putting so much thought into it, Einstein. I hope she figures him out right quick because he was too creepy and obsessed with feet. When he said, "If I could just get a look at her feet" with all the intensity of a heroin addict needing a fix, I was worried guys nearby would become victims of a spontaneous splooging. He should be obsessed with boobs and ass like every other red blooded American (straight) male, damn it!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

wtFUCK?!

Who the HELL thought giving free Viagra to unemployed people was a good idea?!

They damn well better be handing out free BIRTH CONTROL as well.

Just what we need. Unemployed people with something else they can't afford: babies.

Here are a few more great ideas we should implement during this recession: free alcohol to at AA meetings, free cigarettes to unemployed people with lung cancer and a lifetime supply of candy bars to unemployed gastric bypass patients.

Friday, May 15, 2009

that ain't no way to treat a lady

Hot DAMN! Why didn't I realize all the female offspring were a convenient excuse for me to sleep around with young boys and still come off sounding like a martyr?! Times like this it's almost a shame I like older men, huh?

And I thought the Hiachi Wand was one hell of a strong vibrator.....

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

the young and the asinine

TV shows take lots of liberties with the truth, and it's very distracting, especially when it's downright stupid but essential to the plot.

Soap opera writers are THEE ABSOLUTE WORST when it comes to this bullshit.

Case in point: on The Young and The Restless, Adam committed a crime and was allowed out of jail, but he has to wear an electronic monitoring bracelet.

He deliberately refused to eat and did a lot of exercising, like PUSH UPS, and is now able to slide the bracelet off of his ankle.

How the HELL is it possible to lose weight in your ankles through dieting and PUSH UPS?! For that matter, how the HELL is it possible to lose weight in your ankles, unless you're all puffed up with edema which this twentysomething is not?! Are we supposed to believe we lose weight in our ankle bones, too?!

The police or sheriff's department is notified immediately when a bracelet is removed, yet this idiot takes it off and it goes undetected.

Soap writers are also notorious for making the cops look like idiots. If there's a crime, the witnesses tell the cops who did it and they're usually arrested pronto. No wonder so many idiots are confused when they try this on COPS and it doesn't work.

Soap cops never take any statements at the scene--most times they NEVER take statements period-- and while they immediately tape off the crime scene, they usually wait till the next day to look for evidence. As a matter of fact, they're usually looking for evidence the same time the general public is trampling alongside them in the crime scene asking questions.

One INCREDIBLY stupid scene was during a recent bank robbery. Jeffrey--NOT a cop--simply walked into the bank, moments after a robbery and said to the nearest cop, "Did anyone get a good look at the perp?" and the cop immediately gave him information about the crime as if throwing the word 'perp' around convinces everyone you're in law enforcement.

It might only be a soap, but that's no reason for incredibly sloppy writing.

civic responsiblities my ass

Woot!

Erik is only saying what a lot of us would LIKE to say...

Love the way the judge had his ass hauled in to court to apologize.

Monday, May 11, 2009

talk about your fruit loops...

I went to the fruit stand over the weekend and bought some fresh tomatoes.

When I got to the checkout, the cashier said, "So what are your plans for these tomatoes?"

I'm like, "Excuse me?"

She said, "What do you plan to do with these tomatoes?"

I said, "Well, I thought we'd go dancing, then maybe dinner and a movie."

WTH?! What does one USUALLY do with tomatoes? Who has time to sit around making freaking 'plans' for their fruits and veggies?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

oooo that had to hurt

Bet that Annie chick from Celebrity Apprentice is going to cringe each and every time she sees that ending footage replayed.

Trump said, "Annie, you're...." and she leaned forward with a huge smile on her face, "FIRED!"

Yikes!



"M" is for the marijuana she stole from me...

This is Female Offspring #2 updating Mom's blog for Mother's Day because I love her........... (she said I didn't have to buy her a present if I did the update.)

The sibs bought Mom 15 Mother's Day cakes along with 15 boxes of Dexatrim. Wanna bet she flushes the Dexatrim? Mom tried to explain the dangers of taking diet drugs, but we couldn't understand her because she was jamming forkfuls of cake into her mouth at the time.

Before I tell you what gifts she got, I should mention we all have different dads, because Mom never can make a decision and stick to it.

My dad, who is in prison, showed his love by crafting Mom a homemade gift: a shiv, fashioned out of a razor blade and a toothbrush handle. Mom has already threatened to stab anyone who touches her cake. Last year Dad sent her prison hooch he made from bread, raisins, kool aid and water, she drank it ALL, and was dead drunk. Later he told her he made it in his cell toilet. She vomited for days. Good times, good times.

Female Offspring #3's dad gave her an exercise machine. It was a brand new Stairmaster, and I'm sure the garbage guys are going to love it when they haul if off the curb tomorrow.

Male Offspring #6's dad gave her several mops. He's hard of hearing and all this time he thought Mom had a big 'mop' fetish.

I remember one time Female Offspring #5's dad gave Mom a mop, a bucket and a huge drum of Mr. Clean for Mother's Day. It was at least three months before he got out of the hospital.

Male Offspring #5's old man gave Mom a stack of traffic tickets and told her that if she liked cops so much she should drive her 'dubba wide ass' downtown and pay his tickets. Wonder how long it'll be before he gets out of the hospital? We missed the smack down, though. Once we heard the words 'dubba wide ass' we scattered like trailers in a tornader.

"M" is for the many Marlboros she smoked while she was pregnant with me,

"O" means only that she's growing old and can't remember her ass from a hole in the ground,

"T" is for the tears and threats she made when we hid her chocolate stash,

"H" is for the hundreds of swear words she's taught us,

"E" is for her easy way with words..................(and men),

"C" is for her continuing cop fetish.

Put them all together and what do you have?

MOTHEC.

No, wait, that's not right. Screw it. The day is almost over and she's screaming at me to get the post up.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I thee wed

Remember how I said I got such a kick out of the running bit on The Office in which Bob Vance constantly introduces himself as, "Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration"?

Well, yesterday we were watching season 3, in which he and Phyllis got married. During the ceremony, the minister turned to Phyllis and said, "Do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration to be your lawfully wedding husband?"

We just roared; it was so damn funny. Later they drove off in his refrigeration van. LOL!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

and a Happy Mother's Day to you, too!

If ONLY Family Circus were this funny.....

hee haw

Love it! Thanks, Bugs!
----------------

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we 
all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a
construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on

and spent much
of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them ‘gems-in-the-rough,’ more or less,

adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during
coffee and

lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a
pay envelope

containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who

suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’

she’d received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally

impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own

pay check at such a
young age. The little girl proudly replied,

I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house

next
door to us.’

"Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the

house again this week, too?’

The little girl replied, ‘I will, if those assholes at Home Depot

ever deliver
the fuckin’ sheet rock.’

is it my imagination?

Or does Robert Newman [aka Josh Lewis on GL] get more and more handsome with every day that passes?

Guys, don't feel the need to answer that...LOL!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

mouth is alive with juices like wine and i'm hungry like the wolf

I told Mr. G that the post office is collecting non-perishable food items this Saturday for their annual 'Stamp Out Hunger' campaign.

He said, "So you want me to gather some stuff to donate?"

I said, "Oh, hell no. I want you to wait till it gets dark Friday night, then go through the neighbor's mailboxes and get some good stuff for us."

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

*sigh*

Here's a fun call to receive at 5 o'clock in the morning:
Mr. G: "Honey, something fell off the car on the way to work this morning."
Me: "What was it? Catalytic converter? Heat shield? Muffler The bottom half of the car?" (Can you tell we own a krappy Korean kar?)
Mr. G: "Um....I think it was the transmission."

I don't know diddly shit about cars, but even *I* know that's a biggie.

BTW, anytime you hear the words "cracked engine block" or "blown head gasket," (outside of the bedroom) ladies, that isn't good either.

WHOA! I clicked on my profile and I've had 20,000 views! Too damn bad that doesn't come with a cash payout, huh?

slip inside my sleeping bag

The other day I was flipping channels and caught part of a commercial for one of those fashion designer reality shows. The 'designer'--and I use that word lightly--said, "I'm working on my design for a coat that turns into a sleeping bag."

FINALLY the fashion designers are listening and giving us what we want.

Many is the time I've said, "If only my coat turned into a sleeping bag and my pants turned into a canoe. I could go right from work to camping outdoors."

Hear tell the t shirt manufacturing industry is in an uproar now that the swine flu cases are lessening. Seems they were all set to roll out millions of t shirts that read, "My friends caught the swine flu but all I got was this lousy t shirt"....

Monday, May 04, 2009

jagged little pill

Gotta love the FDA double standard. As you've no doubt heard, the FDA wants Hydroxycut yanked from the shelves because ONE PERSON DIED and 23 people became ill after using it.

Back in 2007, it was decided that the FDA approved drug Avandia caused 86 heart attacks and THIRTY NINE DEATHS.

Did they immediately yank it from the pharmacies? Oh, hell no. First they had hearings on the matter, then they slapped a little warning label on the side.

i give it all up for you

Today Mr. G asked me the $64 million dollar question: "Honey, when are we going to be rich?" He asks me variations of this question this all the time, as if he thinks I can read the future:)

But today he added, "Maybe we can only be lucky in one thing? I've been lucky in love, so maybe I won't be lucky in finances."

Awwwww, statements like this is why I heart him. And what earns him a big, sloppy *edited in case kids are reading this*.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

somethings got me started

Comedian Robert Schimmel was arrested for allegedly smacking his wife around. Not that it's earth shattering news to me, but it gives me a chance to mention one of my favorite bits of his.

He talks about having sex for the first time, and touching a woman between the legs. "She put my hand down there. Cuz I didn't want to. I didn't know what that thing it was. There was a hole and a lot of hair around it. That was enough for me. If I saw that out in the woods, I'd go the other way. I wouldn't be sticking my dick in it.................................that's a lie."

simply sunday

The other day I was driving to work and a big ole hawk flew over the hood of my car carrying a HUGE snake in his mouth. I wished I had a camera because the bird with his wings fully extended was absolutely gorgeous. And he was dipped my way so I could see all the designs in his feathers. I figured it was a sign that it was going to be a FABULOUS day. After all, he didn't drop the snake on my car.....

My boss was watching reruns of The (UN)Real Housewives of NYC Saturday night. I love this. In the same episode in which Jill is interviewed and asked about the recession, she talks about how it's 'affecting everyone', then she plops down $16K for a FRIGGING PURSE and her husband buys her a fully loaded Mercedes SUV. He later decides he will keep the SUV for himself and buy her another one after she complains she can't use her iPhone in the vehicle. Yes, I can see where the poor woman is really suffering financially. Simon dropped $6k on a pair of earrings for his wife in the same show.
Every time they ask the cast how they can justify wasting all this money during the recession, they say the show was shot prior to the recession. Yet there's Jill being interviewed specifically ABOUT the recession by the BBC, so that's obviously a lie.
I think the funniest woman on that show is the Countess, who is constantly telling everyone she's a Countess. Shit, she was teaching kids about manners, because she's "always getting letters from viewers about how to act in certain social situations"--yeah I bet she has file cases full--and the first thing she said to them was, "Does anybody know what a Countess is?" And some feisty teen raised her hand and said, "A pretentious phony nobody who was clever enough to marry someone with a title?" Ok, that last part was just in my dreams. Anywho, she's on the phone ordering PIZZA and when she gives her name she says, "Mrs. Delassep, " then quickly adds, "Countess Delassep." Yes, I'm sure the pizza delivery boy was impressed. Oy vey.