Friday, March 27, 2009

hard to believeI don't get PAID for this sort of humor, huh?

Mr. G and I were watching Gunsmoke, his weekly Netflix pick.

A farmer rode into town and asked the doctor to come out to his ranch because his son was sick. But the doctor never showed up and every one was trying to figure out why.

I said, "Maybe he had "injun" trouble..."

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

religulous fanatic

I just finished watching Bill Maher's thought provoking, "Religulous". If you get a chance, see it. It raises some very interesting ideas about religion. I was rather disappointed he didn't interview anyone from the Jehovah's Witnesses or Christian Science.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie:

Maher: "It's (religion) like the lotto: you can't get saved if you don't play!"

When one minister told Maher the writers of the Bible were "eyewitnesses," Maher said, "You know they weren't eyewitnesses."
The minister said, "Eyewitnesses....within a couple of decades."

After Maher pointed out one preacher was wearing lizard shoes and gold jewelery, the preacher said, "The people want you to look well."
Maher: "That's what pimps say about their women."
Preacher: "Jesus dressed very well."
Maher: "St. Paul...only wore the clothes on his back. Should I assume this is your only $2ooo suit?"

Maher, to a Muslim who was showing him through a mosque: "Women in your culture seem not to be as equal to the man as they are in our culture."
Muslim, pointing to a woman waaaaay over in the corner by herself: "You see, we have a woman here. They have a special corner."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

can't win for losin'

LOL! Thanks, Bugs:)

DEAR MADAM:

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER."

Well, shit!

please Mr. Postman, look and see if there's a letter in your bag for me

I was coming out of the post office the other day and I saw a sign for the "Rural Letter Carriers Training Academy."

I can see it now......................

"For the love of God, Bob, you open the box, put the mail in, and then you CLOSE THE BOX! How many times do we have to go over this?!"

this and that

From the "everything that is old is new again" file: I was watching an old Burgess Meredith film the other night from 1948 called "On Our Merry Way."

The plot of the film wasn't that great, but about fifteen minutes into the beginning Burgess Meredith turns to the camera and begins addressing the audience directly.

I can remember the first time I saw this in TV and movies, and I thought it was a brand new technique. I remembered thinking how clever it was. Now I find out it's a decades old idea.

What next? I'll probably find out capri pants were actually introduced in the '50's as 'pedal pushers'.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

film noir

Wow, I didn't know how "un-cultural" I am until I read through this list of 100 films to see before you die, and realized I'd only seen 7 of them. I've seen Blazing Saddles, ET, Exorcist, Snow White, The Godfather, It's a Wonderful Life and Animal House. Yikes!

Ok, how many have YOU seen?

Monday, March 23, 2009

it's all about goals and how to achieve them

I was doing some housecleaning--no, I'm not working that much, can ya tell?:(--and I found some old goal sheets from 1996, in which I planned to write and sell three novels. A romance trilogy! The exercise was to plan it all out and visualize your success in advance. You know the "if you can dream it, you can do it" idea. (Too bad I didn't actually DO it, huh?)

Lordy, I even wrote the ARTICLE that I wanted to run in the local paper...LOL! Here goes:

BLAH Area Woman Earns $4 Million Dollars With The Sale of Her First Novel
"Blah Blah, a Blah native, has earned over $4 million dollars with the sale of her first novel. Blah, who resides with her husband Mr. Blah, sold the rights to her romance novel, which took her one year to write.
"It's a dream to have my novel on the bookshelves," Blah said. "I've waited a long time for this, and I'm very proud of the work I've done. I know that no publishing house would have paid this kind of money to a first time novelist unless they felt it was worth it. The publishers are already talking about selling the movie rights, so naturally I'm very excited about the whole process. It would be wonderful to see my work on the wide screen!"
Blah, who is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BIDNESS, and the mother of 16 offspring, is hard at work on her next novel, which she describes as a 'romantic comedy'.
Blah has been published in various magazines and writes several humorous columns on relationships on the internet."

ONE YEAR?! LOL! It occurs to me that had I spent as much time working on the novel as I did the article, I might be finished some THIRTEEN YEARS LATER. However, I noted that I have as much trouble coming up with the names of articles as I do titling manuscripts.

Lordy, sometimes it's a hoot looking through old papers.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

burn (this post) after reading

Long ago, the Offspring learned something very quickly: never sit next to me in a movie theater. No, I'm not one of those jackasses who yell out the obvious in the theater. "He's got a gun! He's going to kill her! RUN, LADY!!"

I'm one of those jackasses who never understand what's going on and is constantly asking questions. Yes, I am a Blonde Movie Viewer. It's why I wasn't allowed to watch The X-Files with the family beyond the first episode.

"What's happening? Who is that man?" "Is he an alien? He can't be an alien. He doesn't look like an alien. OMG! He's an alien." "What did it say on that piece of paper?" "I don't get it." "Ok, now who is this woman? And what does she have to do with the alien? Is she an alien, too?" "Wait, are they having an affair?" "Does that note I couldn't read have anything to do with this?" "I don't get it."

I never get 'it'.

I felt much the same way watching 'Burn After Reading'. I would have asked the offspring, but none of them would watch it with me.

Ok, I got the gist of Burn, but.....eh.

Labeled a "black comedy," I saw nothing the least bit funny about it. I mean geez, black comedies have you laughing at something taboo that isn't usually shown in a funny manner, and I wasn't laughing at any of it. I was too busy figuring out the remaining time from the DVD player.

I remember when Burn After came out, everyone raved at how well Brad Pitt acted the idiot. Sorry, I didn't see where he was that fantastic. I guess it's difficult for me to picture a 45 year old dumbass trainer. A 21 year old dumbass trainer, yes. I admit I've never been a Brad Pitt/George Clooney fan.

And I wish I had a quarter for every time an actor used the words "fuck" or "what the fuck" or "for fuck's sake" in this movie, especially John Malkovich. It was overused and unnecessary. I was praying for someone to toss a "shit!" or a "damn it!" in there. Never came.

Most disappointing of all? We never got to see the results of Frances McDormand's plastic surgery. Sigh.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

rethink that wardrobe!

Awww, ain't love grand?

Yeah, not so much.

A Florida man wearing an "I ♥ My Marriage" t-shirt was arrested last night for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. Bradley Gellert, a 32-year-old financial consultant, was busted by Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office deputies and booked into jail on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge.

Almost as bad as the guy on COPS who was arrested for drugs while wearing a D.A.R.E. t shirt. Or the one who was wearing the "shit happens" t shirt when he was arrested. Self fulfilling prophecy:)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

goodbye reese's peanut butter eggs, i hardly knew ye


My boss wanted me to stop at Rite Aid and get her some Reese's peanut butter eggs today.

Typical Rite Aid scenario: it's a holiday, they advertise candy, they don't have the candy, I send them a bitch filled email. Awww, Easter!

Since this is the second day of their sale and since their truck came in this morning, there was no way Rite Aid could be expected to have the eggs in stock, but I noticed their shelf tag for the 6 pack. While the eggs used to be about $2.79/$2.99 last year regular price, they are $4.29 this year! Insane.

I'm so glad I stopped eating sugar and took up really cheap drugs instead.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

kiss my blarney stone


Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

I was going to use my usual "Happy St. Paddy's Day", but at the last moment I remembered Jay corrected me on that and said it was actually an insult. I thought it sounded friendly, but apparently not. And it's clear from my post title that I'm concerned about not insulting anyone.
See, Jay? I remembered! I'm probably going to find out he corrected me about four years ago and I've been saying "St. Paddy's Day" all along, but....

Monday, March 16, 2009

"here's your sign!"

When it was announced that Bernie Madoff could face 150 year sentence, one dipshit female news anchor said, "Considering he's already 70 years old, this pretty much translates into a life sentence for him."

Even if he was in the WOMB right now, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS would "pretty much translate into a life sentence".

I don't wish anyone ill, but they should strip Madoff's wife of every freaking penny, the same as her husband has done to others. Even if she claims she knew nothing about his dealings, she directly benefitted from his thievery. When drug dealers are arrested, they take EVERYTHING associated with that money, they are stripped of all of their assets, and the same should be done to people who steal other's lifesavings through these financial schemes. Besides, you know damn well Madoff's hidden money for her and the rest of his family to live comfortably for the rest of their life.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

if I could save time in a bottle


WORDS OF WISDOM: "Never say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Theresa, Leonardo di Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein." Unknown

Oh, SURE, 'Unknown,' compare us to those over achievers! How about, 'you have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Charles Manson, The Unibomber and that Sham Wow guy'?! Not feeling so cocky NOW, are we, 'Unknown'?

don't know much about a science book, don't know much about the French I took


Female Offspring #1 is working on a study that involves the elderly and she has had to spend a lot of time interviewing and instructing them over the last several months.

She came home the other weekend and the first thing she said was, "Mom, I don't know how much you're paid to work with the elderly, but it is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH! They're driving me CRAZY!" LOL....

Her professor actually told her to "go to retirement homes and interview people ages 55 through 85" to see if they were interested in taking part in the study. She said, "He is so out of touch that I had to point out to him that most people age 55 are WORKING, not living in retirement homes."

At the rate this country is going, before long the 85 yr olds will still be working, too.

Friday, March 13, 2009

well, well, well

We had to have the holding chamber of our pump grinder replaced. If you've never seen one, they look like this....


It holds about 60 gallons of water and this is the first time it's been replaced since the sewer system was installed. (On a HIDEOUS side note, the guy who replaced it told us that apparently it had been running on HALF power for quite awhile. Yes, judging by the $100 electric bill we received yesterday, I'd say he was right. And right here is where I'd like to f*ck the installer right up the ba-hind for telling us that it only uses "pennies a month" in electricity. You can never really dispute those claims now can you?)

Anywho, we asked him if the neighbor ever had to have theirs replaced because we had them installed at the same time. The guy said, "Oh, yeah, theirs was replaced two or three years after we put it in because it had been tampered with."

I do remember them messing with it. You're not allowed to break the seal on it, otherwise it's not covered by the company warranty. So, of course, the first thing the neighbor did was break the seal and offer to break ours. We still have the tag on our mattress, so really, what's the likelihood we're going to yell, "Sure! Bring those wire cutters right on over!"?

The sewer replacement dude then goes on to say, "The reason I remember it being changed is because we when were there, we accidentally dropped one of the screws down into the chamber. Your neighbor was going to hold his little boy by his feet and lower him down to get the screw we dropped."

Now I know what you're thinking, "Why, Goddess, that sounds like one of YOUR hare-brained ideas."

Indeed it does, but none of my offspring are that skinny. Besides, with my luck, they'd slide right out of my hands and get sucked into the sewer system, and you just KNOW someone would find a way to blame that on me.

I immediately turned to Mr. G and said, "You might be a redneck IF you've ever used your kid as a giant pair of tweezers."

"You might be a redneck IF you've tried to drop your kid in a well before he had a chance to fall in on his own."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

sit! stay! good boy!

According to this article, the Labrador Retriever is the most popular dog chosen by folks with kids.

"The Lab, as it is affectionately called, is the most popular breed chosen by families. Another member of the working class of dogs, the Lab is best known for its intelligence, affection, patience, and gentility, making them perfect companions for households with kids. They are easily trained, and, in fact, are one of the top dogs chosen for search and rescue, assisting the disabled, and police work. They are also known to self-train, observing behaviors in humans and repeating them—a great asset in emergency situations."

Um, HELLO?! Where do I sign up to get one of THOSE Labs?! Mr. G and I have often talked about the fact if either of us were ever partially paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair, our dog would drive us right into a ditch without thinking twice. I can see the wheels on the chair spinning endlessly in the air while she's off chasing a groundhog.

And "great asset in an emergency situation"?! If I've learned anything from my weekly, "pretend I'm having a heart attack and see how the dog responds" sessions, it's that I better start stashing candy under the couch and chairs because if I ever land face down on the carpet, I'm going to be there quite a while before help arrives.
"Help! I've fallen and my dog is smothering me with her big ass..."

Let's tell it like it is....

"The Lab, as it is affectionately called, is the dog most capable of suckering people in with their big brown eyes and quivering lower lip. Throw in the word "chocolate," and women can't resist them. Once the dogs become part of your family, they will chew everything from shoes to clothing to the decorative molding on your door frames. They are also known to self-train, observing behaviors in humans and repeating them, such as chewing on everything from shoes to clothing to the decorative molding on your door frames. They will not hesitate to bite the hand that feeds them, even if that hand has just given driven five miles out of it's way to pick up the damn dog's favorite treats! Highly intelligent, Labs will only chew expensive shoes, indicating they are able to discern Jimmy Choo from Payless."

Oh, and why did the Golden Retriever score higher than the Labrador Retriever?! They're both from the Retriever family! I guess the Golden is the family member with a Masters, while the Lab is the one with the GED...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

heads up

I always find the "I have a right to ride my motorcycle without a helmet!" controversy rather interesting.

WHY do bikers think they have a right to ride their motorcycle without a helmet? Truck and car drivers don't have a right to drive without a seat belt. What makes them so special?

Personally, I don't care. If you want to feel the wind blowing through your brain matter, have at it, but at least come up with a LOGICAL rationalization.

Take this argument, for instance: "A number of bikers who were veterans told state lawmakers Tuesday it was ironic they had fought for the freedom of people in other countries but they were denied the freedom to ride without a helmet in Maryland." I wonder how many of these veterans went into combat MINUS head protection of any type?

Friday, March 06, 2009

bluer than blue

Sigh.

I keep reading that personal caregivers are in great demand and it's easy to see why. ALL of my jobs over the last ten plus years have been in one house at a time making up all of the hours I need, and most of the jobs were 40+ hours. A couple of the shorter jobs were 25-30 hours, but the majority have been full time in one place.

My husband has been bugging the piss out of me to contact the owner of this one care agency that I applied with and tell her for the nine millionth time that I'm available. Well, she finally called today and said she had some part time hours for me. The job that I've been working in the meantime on my own is only four hours a day, split into two shifts. That's 28 miles a day for four hours of work, seven days a week. (Sat and Sun only consist of one two hour shift.) The lady said she had 18 hours and it would be four shifts of three hours and one shift of six hours. I thought, "Great. Between the two jobs, I'll have 40 hours and I'll only have to drop a two hour shift with the first job." The hours meshed perfectly.

Now keep in mind that this woman's father has been telling us for weeks that she's DESPERATE for employees. She tells me that we'll get together tonight with the OTHER woman who is working there to 'divide up the hours'. I'm like, "Divide up the EIGHTEEN hours? I'd only be getting like nine hours?" This lady already HAS hours and the owner tells me that she knows she won't be able to do all of her hours plus these, and yet, she's still giving them to her. This may be a clue as to why she's always desperate for employees. Here I am, a brand new person, more than willing and able to do the full 18 hours and this is the crap I'm offered.

She then tells me about another forty hour [over seven days] job that I might be interested in. It would be FOUR shifts a day--one for a whole hour--PLUS I'd be expected to take the person to and from their drs. appointments in MY OWN CAR.

Now I don't even know how this is legal, but I know a lot of agencies in the area are doing this, and I'd LOVE to know who to report them to because this is precisely why we have medical transport. They are insured to take people to and from appointments. I am not. Nor do I intend to be held liable should something happen. Just think about how the agencies make out on this: they hire me at $8 to take this lady to her drs appointment. It's MY gas and MY mileage and they state pays them like $20+ an hour. Transport is usually $15 a trip. They're ahead $12 on just one appointment.

She dropped another bomb on me when she told me that the lady I'm working for now definitely qualifies for in-home care from the state because of medical reasons, which means I'm more than likely going to lose the FIRST job because I saw the papers from the AAA on her table. They were obviously there to do an intake evaulation. I'm just depressed over the whole thing because they're only offering $8, but I'm using twice as much gas as I did at the last job where the pay was shittier.

Yeah, they're just DYING for employees. How about making it worth our while to actually stay in this field, because in the long run, we're actually losing money.

You know the funny part? Before I even take my first job with this agency, my husband is saying, "Forget them. There's another agency in the paper. Apply there."

I just want to shove my foot in his not so happy place. Guh.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

i always feel like somebody's watching me

I love my husband, you KNOW I do, but sometimes....*insert a lot of head banging here*

Someone has been calling here lately and hanging up on me. You don't KNOW how that annoys me. I hate answering the phone in the first place, but when you're looking for work, it's sort of a necessity.

And it's not one of those computer calls where it takes them like ten seconds for the computer to connect. This is someone on the line who hangs up on me after a few seconds. I'm not wasting my money on caller ID because when this has happened in the past, it always comes up "caller unknown" or "out of calling area" or some such bullshit, even when I had that service in which we didn't accept blocked callers. Same thing if I try to *69 them.

I told my husband that we've been getting a lot of those calls lately, and he said, "Who do you think it is? What do you think they want? Why are they calling?"

S to the I to the G to the H.

He'll do the same thing if I hear a noise. I'll say, "Did you hear that?" Automatically he'll say, "What did it sound like? What do you think it is? Where's it coming from?"

I said, "Honey, it I knew all that I wouldn't have to ask YOU."

i'm a barbie girl in my barbie world

WORDS OF WIDSOM: "Nothing ruins an orgy like bumping into your own mum." Russell Brand

It's this sort of frivolous political bullshit that really annoys me. We have the all the major media industries--music, fashion, magazine, and television--drilling into our brains that we must be thin and beautiful to be anything in this world, and this jackass is wasting taxpayer money & time trying to get the now 50 year old Barbie doll banned? Way to jump right in there and take action. Thank God Eldridge didn't become a fireman.

I was standing in the elevator yesterday morning and I read the Otis Manufacturing sign stating the maximum capacity was "3000 pounds or 20 people." I'm like, "DAMN! The Otis people thinks the average person in the United States weighs 150 pounds. This must be one HELL of an old elevator." If they're going to fit 19 other people in an elevator with me and stay under the 3000 pound limit, I seriously need to start hanging around with some young children. And not those obese ones either.

Ahhh, the joys of small town living. This was undoubtedly one of the DUMBEST decisions I've ever heard. Who do they think is going to BUY a road?! Tax payers deserve to have their roads taken care of, not auctioned off because the community suddenly decides they're "too costly" to maintain. And what is going on in Lilly that the residents only two choices off of their street is a dirt road they're trying to sell and a steep hill that's impassable?! Kinda makes you want to move there, doesn't it? Yeah, me neither.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

kidnapping for dummies

I was watching the afternoon stories when my husband came into the living room to use the laptop.

One guy on the show was holding three women captive and they were all arguing at the same time, until the guy screamed, "SHUT UP! I'm sick of your yammering!"

My husband, "That is a perfect example of why you never want to kidnap more than one woman at a time without investing in a good sized roll of duct tape."

I love him.

it's difficult raising Einsteins

I forgot to mention this dilly of a call I received at work from Female Offspring #3 during our last snowstorm.

FO #3: "MOM! Can I drive up to the mall with my friends?"
Me: "Why aren't you in school?"
FO#3: "Haven't you heard?! It's been canceled because the roads are icy. So can I drive up to the mall?!"

It's kids like this that keep Allstate in business....

what goes down, must come up

I can't believe it! Just weeks after I accidentally flushed it down the toilet, my 840 pound emerald has turned up in Los Angeles! Would some hottie from the LAPD please call me so we can arrange to have it shipped back to my trailer? Thanks!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

do the world a favor and stay single

That doggone boss of mine sucked me into The Bachelor last night. Oy. It lasted two hours, and the most HORRIFYING thing is that there seems to be a PART TWO that runs tonight.

I had to laugh when the guy was interviewing the two bachelorettes and Jason. At one point, he said, "I'll leave you to your thoughts," and I thought, "Of course, he will. There's another half hour to fill...." Then we had to witness Jason "being brokenhearted." LOLOLOLOL!!

My thoughts on the show? Resnick needs to take acting lessons. Specifically lessons in showing emotion. Men always do the chest heaving thing and the face scrunching thing, but you never see tears when they cry.

IF any of this was unscripted--BIG 'if'--I think Resnick is someone who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side and will never be happy with ANY woman. When the newness fades, he loses interest. Yep he's in love with love.

He told Molly the same thing he told Melissa: "From the first moment I saw you, I was falling in love with you."

Dude. At least fake up something original for each woman. It's not like you're been asked to rewrite War and Peace.

Melissa should thank her lucky stars, but shouldn't work to get over him. After all, I'm sure that once he's been with Molly a few weeks, he'll realize that it's Melissa he loves.

Personally, I think he's in love with the cameras and the attention. No matter how much Daddy craves the spotlight, I think it's despicable the way he brought his son into the whole thing because that child isn't going to understand the stupid games adults play all in the name of fame.

now that's what I call a Grand Slam

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal,
called the "Suleman".

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Sunday, March 01, 2009

forget everything you know about ab workouts

For some reason, I could never get in to The Office when it first came on, but after watching a few of the newer eps, I decided to try again.

Mr. G and I were watching part of Season 2 tonight. I love this scene....