Tuesday, November 24, 2009

how to write a letter to Santa

I recently sat the offspring down and gave my yearly lesson in writing letters to Santa. The offspring know by now that they probably won't get anything they ask for, but doggone it, they write a polite letter!

Penning a letter to Santa is not as easy as you might think. The letters must include several key elements.

First of all, begin your letter "Dear Santa" or "Hello, Santa". DO NOT begin your letter with "What up, Homeboy?" or "Yo dawg!" Show some respect. Do not refer to Santa as "Homie"
or "Dude" or "Shawty". After all, you
want him to bring you nice toys, not a sawed off shot gun
and a shank.

Secondly, IMMEDIATELY tell Santa what you'd like for
Christmas. Save the flattery for the end of the letter so
Santa will remember it. Start your list with "please"
NOT "gimme". Letters from selfish kids go right
onto the "naughty, don't bother to answer" pile. (Hmmm, I wonder if that's
what happened to my Chrissy doll? No, I'm sure the 63 letters I've written
over the years were just lost in the mail.)

Next, tell him you've been good. Standard fare in a letter to the chubby guy.
You might want to mention your excellent grades, too. If you have a Masters, even better.
Mention any good behavior you've adopted throughout the year, such as giving up that cigarette during afternoon recess.

Remind Santa that you love him--nobody wants to give gifts to an ungrateful brat!

Then wrap it all up by mentioning his reindeer and Mrs. Claus. Oh, and mention snacks. It's clear from looking at him, that Santa enjoys his cookies...and pies...and cakes.

Here's my letter....

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a Chrissy doll for Christmas. I asked for one a few years back and I never got her:( (Santa does NOT have to know that "a few years" equals 41.)

I've been a very, very, very good girl this year. (Everybody exaggerates. Santa expects it.)

I heart you, Santa. (Make your fake flattery as sincere sounding as possible.)

Merry Christmas, and say "hello" to Mrs. Claus and your reindeer for me. (Santa loves those doggone deer, so make sure you mention them!) I donated all the money from my whiskey fund to a wild life preserve for reindeer, Santa! (Who even knows if there is such a thing, but all the world loves a philanthropist.)

I will leave milk and cookies for you on Christmas Eve. (Leave out a big plate of milk and cookies, a bottle of Glucophage pills for Santa and hope for the best, kid.)

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