Monday, November 30, 2009

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Tonight I watched the vid, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" starring Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaughey. This is a Scrooge meets Hugh Hefner type movie. Whereas Scrooge's biggest problem was that he was a miser, Connor Mead's biggest problem is juggling all his mindless sex.

I know the movie was schlocky and ridiculous in parts--especially McConaughey's stud routine--but I actually enjoyed it. Emma Stone was the best part of the movie. She played McConaughey's ghost of girlfriends past. I also got a kick out of McConaughey's assistant, who played the girlfriend present. "Yeah, it's me. Working on the weekend again. As usual." LOL!

After his parents were killed in a car accident, Connor Mead (McConaughey) was raised by his playboy Uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas). When his uncle realizes that Connor is turning out just like him and destined to die alone--don't we all?--he pays him a visit and brings with him the three ghosts of girlfriends past, present and future to show him where it all went wrong. Of course, the future shows him at his own funeral with only his brother attending because Connor has only used women for sex and little else, blah blah.

I was surprised to see that the movie was written by two men because I thought women were the ones who were naive enough to think that guys who have meaningless sex actually CARE that they're having meaningless sex and suddenly desire marriage because they don't want to end up alone with nothing but memories of mindless orgasms to remind them of how empty their lives are.

Yeah, that really happens.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

celebrities are soooo out of touch with the real world

I was reading this article about a woman in the Bronx, who is essentially broke and unable to afford much of anything for her kids this Christmas.

While I think it's FANTASTIC that Ellen helped her out by giving her a vehicle and $10,000, the idea wasn't well thought out. I see the same problem with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Much as I wonder how the home owners are going to pay for big insurance rates on a newly remodeled house, I wonder how in the world Ellen thinks this mother and student is going to come up with the money to pay the insurance on an expensive SUV?

Celebs are so out of touch with reality. While the shiny, costly SUV's are great to look at, and ooo and ahhh over, a much more practical idea would have been to give her an economical car, maybe a hybrid, and with the rest of the money, pay her car insurance for a year or two or three or four, given that a GMC Terrain SUV starts at $24,000+.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

way to go, FDA, you show 'em!

The United Kingdom has banned opiate painkillers like Darvocet and Darvon, because of the high risk of overdose.

In the United States, the FDA has stopped short of banning the drugs, choosing instead to require a stronger warning label on all products containing propoxyphene.

After all, why shouldn't the big pharmaceutical companies continue to rake in the big bucks as long as there's a strong warning on the box? That fixes everything!

Way to go, FDA, you've shown your true colors once again.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

whatever (DOESN'T) works

Just got finished watching "Whatever Works" written by Woody Allen and starring Larry David.

If you take the cynicism and neuroticism of Woody Allen, and combine it with the cynicism and neuroticism of Larry David, you have a bleak movie that is released to the theaters in June 2009 and out on DVD by October.

I like Larry David on Curb because it's a 42 minute experience on DVD. But an hour and 32 minutes of Larry David is waaaay too much Larry David.

I also think the premise of talking directly to the camera has been done to death.

In this movie, David considers himself to be a genius while all of those around him are mere idiots. (Sound familiar?) He takes in Evan Rachel Wood, a runaway from the South. He constantly bombards her with his cynical view of the world and how he's dying from every disease imaginable ala Richard Lewis and for some idiotic reason, she falls in love with him. And for that, David is right on one score--she's 'incredibly stupid'. They marry and her mother (Patricia Clarkson) comes to NY to find her after learning her husband (Ed Begley Jr.) has had an affair with her best friend. Mom stays in NY and goes from a Bible thumper to a Bohemian artist type shacking up with two men. Dad comes to NY to find her and ends up in a gay relationship. As Woody Allen would say, "Oy vey!"

how was YOUR Thanksgiving?!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

dancing with the stars

Dancing With The Stars really surprised me tonight.

I thought maybe Kelly might pull it off because so many people have fallen in love with her, but when she won the third place spot, I thought for sure Mya was going to win. She has been so flawless in many of her dances.

I think one of my favorite dances of the entire season was the Viennese Waltz starring Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough. Her dress was perfect, the song was perfect, and she just relaxed into the music. She looked so pretty.

BTW, has anyone been on the show and NOT said, "I've grown during the show"?!

epic fail

The worst part about staging your own death like this?

You're not around to find out that, once again, you failed....

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

how to write a letter to Santa

I recently sat the offspring down and gave my yearly lesson in writing letters to Santa. The offspring know by now that they probably won't get anything they ask for, but doggone it, they write a polite letter!

Penning a letter to Santa is not as easy as you might think. The letters must include several key elements.

First of all, begin your letter "Dear Santa" or "Hello, Santa". DO NOT begin your letter with "What up, Homeboy?" or "Yo dawg!" Show some respect. Do not refer to Santa as "Homie"
or "Dude" or "Shawty". After all, you
want him to bring you nice toys, not a sawed off shot gun
and a shank.

Secondly, IMMEDIATELY tell Santa what you'd like for
Christmas. Save the flattery for the end of the letter so
Santa will remember it. Start your list with "please"
NOT "gimme". Letters from selfish kids go right
onto the "naughty, don't bother to answer" pile. (Hmmm, I wonder if that's
what happened to my Chrissy doll? No, I'm sure the 63 letters I've written
over the years were just lost in the mail.)

Next, tell him you've been good. Standard fare in a letter to the chubby guy.
You might want to mention your excellent grades, too. If you have a Masters, even better.
Mention any good behavior you've adopted throughout the year, such as giving up that cigarette during afternoon recess.

Remind Santa that you love him--nobody wants to give gifts to an ungrateful brat!

Then wrap it all up by mentioning his reindeer and Mrs. Claus. Oh, and mention snacks. It's clear from looking at him, that Santa enjoys his cookies...and pies...and cakes.

Here's my letter....

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a Chrissy doll for Christmas. I asked for one a few years back and I never got her:( (Santa does NOT have to know that "a few years" equals 41.)

I've been a very, very, very good girl this year. (Everybody exaggerates. Santa expects it.)

I heart you, Santa. (Make your fake flattery as sincere sounding as possible.)

Merry Christmas, and say "hello" to Mrs. Claus and your reindeer for me. (Santa loves those doggone deer, so make sure you mention them!) I donated all the money from my whiskey fund to a wild life preserve for reindeer, Santa! (Who even knows if there is such a thing, but all the world loves a philanthropist.)

I will leave milk and cookies for you on Christmas Eve. (Leave out a big plate of milk and cookies, a bottle of Glucophage pills for Santa and hope for the best, kid.)

Monday, November 23, 2009

nighty night!

Open House Party has this "nighty night" thing they do at the close of the show on Sunday nights.

You can call in and record a good night msg to your sweetie, friend, relative, whatevah.

Tonight some guy called in and said, "I'd like to send out a nighty night to my gf Cindy. We've been dating for two months now and we're still going strong."

I have a good feeling about these two. I think they're gonna make it!

Ok, let me wipe the sarcasm off of my keyboard before the laptop shorts out, and git my ass to bed. But before I do, I'd like to send a nighty night out to my husband. " I ate all the bologna so there's nothing for you to take in your lunch tomorrow. Nighty night!!"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

back...back...back in time

I was on the way to work Saturday night when I heard a song that took me back in time to my first crush on a ferener, Canadian Andy Kim.

The song was "Baby, I Love You," and I knew he was singing that straight to me, which is why I immediately broke off my engagement to Donny Osmond, put my relationship with Bobby Sherman on hold and began showering Andy Kim with all my love.

In my defense, when I loved Andy, he looked like this....

NOT when he looked like Dog, the Bounty Hunter's younger brother...

But alas, long distance relationships never work out, so I had to let Andy go and I made a beeline back to Bobby Sherman, who by the way, is now a deputy for the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department. WHY DID I LET HIM GET AWAY?!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

i'm getting the cold shoulder....or should i say the 'chili' shoulder?

It's been a very quiet few weeks around the old trailerstead. The offspring are still pissed at me because of what happened Halloween night and they're giving me the silent treatment. If I had known it would be this blissful, I would have provoked them long ago.

They think I embarrassed them in front of their friends because I gave everyone chili for Halloween. Hey, it was a cold night and I thought it would warm them. Why am I wrong for wanting to warm the bodies of little children as well as nourish their souls?! Besides chili beats out stupid nickels and pencils any day!

Sure in hindsight it would have been better if I put the chili in some sort of container first, but ladling it right into their treat bags was much more cost effective.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

THIS is the sexiest man alive?!

UGH! Looks like a hott mess to me...and I don't mean that in a good way.

now this is one clever move....

Now mainstream medicine is trying to tell people that taking supplements like folic acid and b12 causes cancer.

Unreal. To say that having a bowl of cereal fulfills your need for folic acid and B12 is CRAZY considering all the garbage that's in the cereal along with the SMALL AMOUNTS of vitamins. IMO, the bad totally outweighs the good.

But I'm sure they'll come out with a new prescription pill that replaces these supplements...

Monday, November 16, 2009


I watched Sarah Palin on Oprah today...ok, not because I like either of them, Lord knows I don't. Mostly because Oprah seemed rather snippy with Palin in the vid clips I saw the other day, and I wanted to see what her overall attitude was.

When Oprah asked Palin why she left office, she said something along the lines of she left office so she could better effect change for the people of Alaska.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that why one goes INto office? And wouldn't she be more influential with the title of governor in front of her name?

One thing that struck me as amazingly strange is when Palin found out her child was going to be born with Down's Syndrome. Oprah asked her how she broke the news to Todd and she said, "It was about three weeks before I could tell him face to face. Before he got off the slopes and we were together." You wait THREE WEEKS to tell your husband news like this?! Unreal. Knowing first hand how much having a child with Down's changes the entire family, I would have thought this was something you'd pick up the phone and arrange to tell him immediately.

insert yawn *here*

I know the bad economy is hitting Hollywood now, but is it so bad that Wanda Sykes can't afford a couch for her set?

Does she have to stand with her side kick and lean against a plastic podium between the two of them and make chit chat for seven minutes? I watched a half hour of this hour long show and that was more than enough.

I mean, what is it exactly? Is it an interview show or her doing her stand up with "bits" tossed in?

I know one thing it wasn't: funny.

I like Wanda but the entire thing was uncomfortable to watch. And from her body language and facial expressions, it was every bit as uncomfortable to do.

I have one word for the show's executive producers: overhaul!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Napster BLOWS

I BOUGHT songs on Napster last year, and now when I try to play them, I keep getting this "media usage rights acquisition" message. All I can listen to is 30 seconds of each song and when I ask for the full MP3, it brings up a page for my credit card. Ya know, I paid for those songs, so I should be able to play them anywhere, any time and I shouldn't have to piss with Napster software or licensing to do it. Now I'm reading about other people who keep getting msgs to renew their song license info on Napster.

Fuck Napster.

They're not getting another dime of my money.

I have no problem with songs I've purchased on Amazon. It's faster and easier and I plan to stick with them.

driving slow on sunday afternoon

I am enjoying a nice, relaxing Sunday. I had a great walk. The weather is gorgeous and I had my MP3 player all loaded up with new rockin' tunes. Flo Rida's Right Round is an EXCELLENT song to walk to if you're looking for a fast pace. Michael Franti's "Say Hey" and Sean Kingston's "Fire Burning" are also good songs to get you moving.

At this point in time--third quarter--I can tell the Steelers aren't doing as well as Mr. G thinks they should because of all the swearing coming from the living room.

I'm waiting on the arrival of two books. I was hoping at least one of them would be here in time for the weekend, but it didn't happen.

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about Thanksgiving. Do I cook again or go to Ryan's? On one hand, I have no clean up. On the other hand, I have no left overs. I always make my own pumpkin pies anyway, and I think I'm leaning towards cooking. Mr. G takes the offspring to a free lunch for po' people and that gets them out of my hair. I mean, that insures they have a hot meal in their little bellies. That also insures they're still full at supper time and I can enjoy the lion's share of the pumpkin pie and Cool Whip. I spent a lot of money last year shopping for the holiday, but most of that was for spices. I still have them, so I'd basically have to buy the turkey, bread for stuff, celery, onions, pumpkin and canned milk. The rest I have. It will cost us about $40 to eat out, so I'm not sure what I want to do.

And how is your day going?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

the average white strip

I know my husband is going to be thrilled when I've finished this box of Crest Whitestrips, Advanced Seal.

There are fourteen strips in the box and every day for the last twelve days, I've gone up to him, flashed a smile and he's said, "Getting whiter, honey."

To toy with him, one day I flashed my smile BEFORE I put the strip on and he said, "Getting whiter, honey."

So now I just go up to him at random times during the day and flash my smile, and I get the same reaction each time.

I'm going to be soooo sorry to finish this box.

what is this world coming to?!

NOT MY CAPT'N CRUNCH!!!! If it had to be Captain Crunch, couldn't it be the crappy peanut butter one?! And my Golden Grahams....whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


According to Cereal FACTS (Food Advertising to Children and Teens Score), which was developed based on the best available science, in consultation with a steering committee of experts in nutrition, marketing, and public health, the 10 worst breakfast cereals based on nutrition score are:

  1. Kellogg - Corn Pops (or Pops) - Chocolate Peanut Butter
  2. Quaker - Cap'n Crunch - w/ Crunchberries
  3. Kellogg - Special K - Chocolatey Delight
  4. Kellogg - Special K - Blueberry
  5. General Mills - Reese's Puffs
  6. General Mills - Fiber One - Caramel Delight
  7. Kellogg - Cocoa Krispies - Choconilla
  8. General Mills - Golden Grahams
  9. General Mills - Cinnamon Toast Crunch
  10. Kellogg - Corn Pops

From Mercola. com

she got me throwin' my money around

Stripper Nicole Forrester, who claimed a recent encounter with Fergie's husband, Josh Duhamel, said of the incident, "I thought, 'Nobody's gonna find out. It's not gonna hurt anybody," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't think of it like I think of it now."

Pssst, Nicole, here's a heads up, honey: if you don't want anyone to find out or get hurt, keep your big yap shut, and most importantly, don't sell your story to the National Enquirer.

It's sad that she didn't consider the impact on her kids before selling the story.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

private eyes are watching you

Chris Brown said of Rhianna's interviews: "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us."

Well, of course, the all of the details should remain a private matter. When you beat the shit out of someone and get caught, you don't want everyone to know what a TOTAL douche bag you are.

Some things are better left unsaid. You know....better for YOU.

I so blonde

My husband hired a guy to whack down a dead tree in our yard. He told me he might come while we're at work.

I said, "Honey, how can he cut down a tree when no one is home to let him in to use the electricity?"

My husband said, "What does he need electricity for?"

I said, "Where is he doing to plug in his chain sa---oh, shit, never mind."

Mr. G goes, "Honey, how many horror films have you seen where the guy is going to chainsaw someone and he's dragging an extension cord behind him? There's a reason for that."

Ok, granted, not many BUT it would make a great plot twist if the cord yanked out of the wall right as he was getting ready to slice and dice!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

guess what I'm getting!!!!!

Remember when I stayed at South's way back when he wasn't particular, and I had my sweet lil pig Lassie? I loved that little pig and I miss him so much. Every time I go to Denny's and have a Grand Slam, I think of him. Lassie, not South.

Well, Mr. G didn't want a pig because he felt it would be too big and sloppy. A pig big and sloppy? Get real. He also felt he wouldn't fit in well at the trailer court. Puhleeze. He'd be right at home.

No problem because now there are "teacup pigs" who only weigh 65 pounds full grown....or the equivalent to four dozen BLT's. AND they only cost about $500!!! I can so afford that if I cut out food and medicine for the offspring.

I already have her name picked out: Piggy Sue. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Veteran's Day

Remember to thank a Vet today!

Thanks, Vets!!

ya gotta hand it to Fox News...

They're the one "news" network that would work the stripper angle in a story about a man who gunned down fellow soldiers on an army base. Sounds like the sort of bullshit the National Enquirer would publish.

Worse yet, was the stripper's quote, "I just can't believe he's the one who killed all those people....he was a really good tipper." So what have we learned today, kids? You CAN be a murderer AND a good tipper! *GASP*


FOX--The Fort Hood Army Base shooting suspect was a recent and frequent customer at a strip club located near the base reported Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan visited the Starz strip club at least three times in the past month, according to an employee.

"The last time he was here, I remember checking his military ID at the door, and he paid his $15 cover and stayed for six or seven hours," Matthew Jones, the club's general manager, said.

Hasan is accused of opening fire at a readiness center at Fort Hood last Thursday, killing 13 and wounding 29. He was shot by a civilian police officer and is in critical but stable condition at a Texas hospital. Hasan has been described as a devout Muslim, who was depressed about his upcoming deployment to Afghanistan.

Club employees told that Hasan sat at a table in the back corner of the club, to the left of the stage on which strippers dance around a pole. One dancer recounted that Hasan bought lap dances from her in a private room on Oct. 29 and Oct. 30.

"I remembered his face because it was the first lap dance I [gave] to a customer while working here," said dancer Jennifer Jenner. "When I saw his face [Friday] on TV, I jumped out of bed, I knew it was him."

Jenner also said that Hasan had told her that he liked to visit the Starz strip club in particular because no one he worked with was in the club.

"I just can't believe that he's the one who killed all those people," said Jenner. "You know, he tipped every girl as she came off the stage after her dance. He was a really good tipper."

Army investigators working to find out more about Hasan and his past will interview people at the club.

The Los Angeles Times reported that authorities are scouring "voluminous" hard drives, multiple e-mail accounts and website trails "to see what's out there, and to see what it all means," according to an official. "There's a lot of work being done."

Authorities are looking into Hasan's association with a mosque, the Dar al Hijrah Islamic Center, in Falls Church, Va. Hasan's family held his mother's funeral at the mosque, which has been linked to two of the Sept. 11 hijackers, reported The Associated Press.

Hasan also recently was involved in a spat with another Fort Hood soldier residing in his apartment complex, apparently related to his Muslim beliefs, according to The Associated Press. John Van de Walker, allegedly keyed Hasan's car and also removed and tore up a bumper sticker that read "Allah is Love." Van de Walker, 30, was arrested on Oct. 21 and charged with criminal mischief."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

a G.E.D. is a terrible thing to waste

I was sitting at an outdoor cafe with a friend of mine today and there were two high school age guys sitting nearby.

Across the street was a billboard for a local hospital with some info about angina.

The one kid said to the other, "If we had some spray paint we could climb up there, add a "v" and that would make it "vagina".

Nooot from where I'm sitting.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Today I cried. Thanks, Jay.

Jay sent this pic of ***SHUDDER*** the (not so) Brave Little Toaster.

When I used to babysit, the kids I watched were addicted to this stupid movie and we watched it over and over and over until I wanted to hurl myself out their trailer winder. Since it was only one story high, and more likely that I would fall through their broken floor boards, that move seemed rather futile. Try as I may, I could not get those little bast--beloved children--to stop watching this sick flick. No amount of screaming, "THAT IDIOTIC TOASTER IS CO-DEPENDENT!! DON'T YOU GET IT??!!" got through to them.

This movie has caused me irreversible psychological damage, to the point where I absolutely REFUSE to walk through the small appliance section of any store.

After much therapy, I have totally managed to block this hideous movie from my mind. Well, except when I have toast in the morning.

do you mean what I think you mean?

I found a really interesting site called Song Facts.

They tell you what the song is really all about--some are actual true stories and some are just guesses by posters--and even include a YouTube vid of the song on the same page.

I immediately had to look up all the meanings to my favorite Stevie Nicks songs. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, "I love Stevie, but her shit don't make no sense." It was hilarious to see the videos of Stevie with all her 80's big hair.

From there it was interesting to read that "Don't Come Around Here No More" was written by Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics after he and Stevie had a one nighter. She booted him out the next morning...LOL!

I was also shocked to read that lots of people think "Every Move You Make" by The Police is a LOVE SONG! Are you kidding me?! It has "stalker" written all over it so I'm going to assume it's the stalkers who find it so romantic.

Ok, I'm off to look up some Tori Amos stuff cuz her shit don't make no sense neither.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

you otter not be doing that

We were at the zoo today, and one of our favorite exhibits is the otters. They're in an outside enclosure and were having a good old time swimming and showing off.

When you're watching them, the water is about waist high so they swim right up against the glass in front of you.

On one such glide by, the otter knocked on the glass as he passed, as if to say, "HEY! Look at me!".....and he was holding his erect penis for all the world to see.

I couldn't get a shot of it because I was laughing too hard, but trust me, I tried!