Friday, October 30, 2009

I just love Roland's tweets....

"Just did book twinterview w/ snarky media critic. Accused ME of narcissism. Dude! Yr so vain, you probably think this tweet is about you."

Roland Hedley

I don't get it

I try to be a hip Mom, I try to be a happenin' Mom and yet the offspring were thoroughly embarrassed by me when we were at WalMart, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why.

I was looking for a song, didn't know who sang it, so I started singing it to the male clerk. "From the top of the pole, I watch her go down. She got me throwin' my money around, ain't nothing more beautiful to be found, it's goin' down, down..."

Was it my fault he joined in? Was it my fault the song stuck in my head and I sang it all throughout the store.

Oh, it was Flo Rida's "Right Round".....and why did it take me so long to realize that Flo Rida = Florida?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

got back up?

My hard drive crapped out on me Friday night. Thanks to a computer guy who works all hours of the night and $300, I was back in business Monday.

It was almost comical when he called me at 12:45 a.m. Monday morning and asked me if I wanted to swing by and pick up my sweet lil laptop.

Comical if I hadn't actually been considering pulling on a coat over my jammies and going.

Anywho, I had most of my files, thanks to Stacey's column on backing up your files and my ClickFree. Too bad my Gateway restore CD wasn't as reliable.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

monsters vs aliens

I just finished watching Monsters Vs. Aliens, and while the "fighting aliens" part became tedious at times, it was a really cute movie. One that adults will probably enjoy as well as the kids. Although, I wouldn't take really small kids because some of those alien machines could be scary to a child. (I know I was a little weepy at times.)

Colbert, playing the President of the United States, had some funny lines, including:"I'm not gonna go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end!" In the middle of a strategy meeting, he became frustrated and stood up and walked to the wall.
The President: "Oh, what's the point? It's a disaster."

[Goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it!"]
Advisors: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!

The President: Then which button gets me a latte?

Advisor: That would be the other one, sir.

Points to an identical button next to the first one; The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
The President: What idiot designed this thing?

Advisor Wilson: You did, sir.
The President: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
Wilson: Right away, sir.

Seth Rogan's character as a gelatinous blob was hilarious and perfectly suited for him, right down to his laugh. He had some funny lines, too. He hit on a plate of lime jello then said, "I think that jello gave me a fake phone number." At another point, "I may not have a brain, but I have an idea." His break up scene with Derek was especially funny.

And now that I rented Monsters VS. Aliens, I see that it's on tv next week for Halloween. Dang. Catch it if you can.


When I left for work last night, I turned on the high beams in my car, and there on the hillside in front of me was my one males cat taking a poop. That's bad enough, but while he was taking his poop, my other male cat was sniffing all around his butthole. And this is the same male cat who was trying to sniff the dog's butthole when she was taking a poo. I'm beginning to think he has a shit fetish.

On another cat note, I was getting out of the car this morning and a woman walked by the house and asked me if I had seen her cat. She was offering a $100 reward. I asked her to describe the cat, and she said, "He's orange."

Well, that narrows it about a million cats.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

barefoot in the park

I saw the movie version of Barefoot in the Park starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford last night.

OMG. Jane Fonda's character was SO IRRITATING. "Do you love me?" "Don't you just love our apartment? Oh, you hate it, don't you? Tell me you love it!" "Did you miss me?" "Do you need me?" "I HATE YOU! I WANT A DIVORCE!" All in a matter of about three days in their new apartment.

She married Redford a lawyer, then a few weeks in to their marriage it suddenly dawns on her that he's a stuffed shirt because I'm sure he was acting soooo carefree before they got married.

Excruciating film.

trick or treat, smell my feet and give me something good to eat

The male offspring were discussing this year's Halloween costumes. Even though half of them are too old to trick or treat, that doesn't stop them from dressing up and trying to exhort candy from senior citizens too weak or blind to defend themselves.

Male Offspring #5 said he was going to go as Male Offspring #6. I'm like, "Why in the WORLD would you go as your brother?"

And Male Offspring #5 said, "Mom! Identity theft is all the rage!"

This year I'm going trick or treating as a mother of several kids, who is prone to fits of depression and anger and hopelessness and who drinks. Excessively. And is not above smoking some maryjuauna. You know, I'll go as myself, a drama queen.

floating in the summer sky, 99 red balloons go by

Sadly, it turns out balloon boy might be a hoax.

What self-respecting parent would get a small child to lie like that on national television?! Seasoned parents know the good liars are the teenagers. Little kids crack under pressure, but teens are like hardened criminals. They lie and lie and continue to lie even under the face of mounting evidence!

Learn a lesson, stupid attention whoring parents!

One person did point out that there's no way that balloon would have held the weight of a small child, even one Falcon's size. Oh, yeah, and who names their kid "Falcon"?!

In honor of this fiasco, I give you......

Saturday, October 17, 2009

huh...makes sense

As if often the case during our "quality time," Mr. G and I were reminiscing about the good old days when we were young and carefree.

He was telling me that when he was in his teens, he and his friends would go to the news stand and read dirty magazines. Don't forget this was before they shrink wrapped those suckers. (The magazines, not the horny boys.)

Anywho, I said, "Why would they let you READ the magazines there? Don't they know no one will buy them if they can read them for free?"

He said, "Maybe that's why they went out of business, Honey."

Friday, October 16, 2009

how about a big serving of Chuck & Beans?

honk if you hate geese....

My crazy goose loving aunt dropped in on me unexpectedly and asked me why I didn't have the geese on the front porch dressed in their Hallerween outfits.

I couldn't exactly tell her the truth: "Because they're stupid and I HATE THEM!!!"

So I told her I couldn't choose between the Frankengoose outfits or the pumpkingoose outfits, so I didn't put them out.

Well, this morning, I found a new pair of geese on the front porch....sigh.

Thanks for solving that problem, Aunt Crazy Pants...

what can I say?

Everybody knows cats are more adept than dogs at wielding chainsaws....

Thursday, October 15, 2009

at least he had the good sense to wear black

It's slimming, ya know....

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Police said a person believed to be a man disguised as a woman in a black dress tried to steal a bottle of rum and cola drinks from a local drug store. The store's loss prevention officer unsuccessfully tried to stop the person, who is described as about 20 years old, 6-foot-3-inches tall and weighing 300 pounds.

Police said the person handed the rum back to the store employee, threw the drinks on the ground and fled after trying to bite the employee when the worker tried to restrain him.

na na hey hey goodbye Sherri Shepherd

I'm not a fan of The View, but I've always loved Sherri Shepherd's scenes on Everybody Loves Raymond, as the Sarge's wisecracking side kick.

I think comedy is her forte, so I was happy about the fact that she was getting her own show. Yes, away from the yapping mouths of The View and tough questions like, "Is the world flat?"

So I tuned in. Apparently Shari dumped a cheating ex and this show reflects her 'real life'.. I made it all the way up until Shari said, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw a white girl, we're done."

Immediately I thought, "OH. It's going to be one of THOSE shows, where the "humor" is based on race, instead of the differences between men and women. Where black people put down white people and it's perfectly acceptable to do so."

I expected so much more from her. Thank God for the "off" button.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

dieting with Jesus

If you've been reading my journal for any length of time, you know that Male Offspring #6 is my Jebus freak. Of course, he hates it when I refer to him that way. He prefers "extra-ordinarily devoted disciple of Christ". Whatever floats yer boat.

He knows that I've been working really hard to lose weight lately. (When I say, "working really hard" I mean "thinking about working really hard while I sit on the couch & watch TV".)

This morning when I woke up I found these on the refrigerator...

They have such inspiring phrases as, "Put down that candy or My daddy will damn you for all eternity!!" Ok, not really, but they should. Instead they have sayings like, "Your body is a temple. Fill it with salad," and "Fat jeans or skinny jeans? You decide." Could they be any more unholy?

While the magnets are quite lame, it beats the Christmas gift he gave me last year....Wash Away Your Sins lip balm. Yes, there really IS such a thing, and it hasn't washed away a damn thing in my life. Although my lips are sinfully soft.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

gotta love how Dr. Oz talks out of both sides of his mouth

First, Dr, Oz says people should be vaccinated so that their children will be protected, THEN he turns around and says, "I will get it"--after he said it was mandatory because of his hospital work--BUT my wife and children won't." He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. If he really felt it was safe, he would have no problem giving it to his wife and kids.

Monday, October 12, 2009

animal lovers unite

Mr. G and I are planning to make a trip to the Pburgh Zoo next month, so I hopped online to make sure it would be open and to make sure there weren't any "special events" planned on the day we were thinking of going. You know, like "Bring your colicky baby to the zoo for free day"....

The main page of the zoo website shows this really cool polar bear exhibit that I'm anxious to see. It's been at least 15 years since we were there last, and we're all big animal lovers so it should be a blast.

What had me chuckling was the description of the African Savanna exhibit. It said it was the "next best thing to visiting Africa." Yeah, I always think that very thing when I visit Pittsburgh....

Man misses birth of his child after fondling nurse

This guy is what you call "a keeper".....

Sunday, October 11, 2009

oooooo, the irony

Man wins lottery prize during embezzlement case

A former Kansas radio executive who admitted that he embezzled to support an addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets won a $96,000 lottery prize.

Prosecutors say the prize money will go toward paying restitution to Paul W. Lyle's former employer, American Media Investments.

Lyle pleaded guilty Thursday to felony theft for embezzling an estimated $88,000 from American Media.

It was during his preliminary hearing Sept. 21 that Lyle was notified he had won a prize in a second-chance lottery drawing. The prize includes a boat, cash and tickets to a NASCAR race at the Kansas Speedway.

Lyle will be sentenced Nov. 30.

His conviction carries a sentencing range of five to 17 months in jail or prison. But prosecutors say Lyle likely will get probation because he has no previous felony convictions.


the office *yawn* wedding

I was VERY disappointed in the Pam & Jim's wedding on The Office.

First of all, I don't think they should have married during the season. Their relationship is one of the things that keeps viewers tuning in. They should have made it a cliffhanger. End it at the part where she ripped her veil and have her say something overly dramatic like, "I can't do this, Jim." Then come back next season and show them running off to get pre-married at Niagara Falls.

Secondly, that whole dancing down the aisle thing? UGH. That was so YouTube three or four months ago. Booooring.

Andy tore his scrotum and Pam had to drive him to the hospital? Who cares? Dumb. IMNSHO, Ed Helms adds absolutely nothing to that show.

I guess the biggest problem with the show is that there was nothing new or exciting. The only sweet part was Jim's toast. The rest was just a hum drum.

They flirted with Pam's mother and Michael hooking up but never followed through. Now THAT would have made things interesting around The Office.

Ok, I have to correct myself on one thing: there was one part of the show that I thought was sweet and funny, but hardly original. When Pam told Jim they should take mental pictures of moments they wanted to remember. Jim snapped a picture of Pam then said it didn't come out right and she said, "Aww, you should have hired a professional to take your mental pictures."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

to do or not to do....that was the question

I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to wash the bathroom carpets--a gal can only do so much cleaning, ya know.

A few minutes later, the toilet overflowed and took the matter right out of my hands.

And why did I just draw a total blank on how to spell "minutes"? I HATE when that happens.


I was sitting on the front porch with Mr. G last night and I said, "I have the purrrfect name for cats if we ever get another male and female together: Mr. and Mrs. Claws!"

After a looooong stare, he said, "You really need to get back to work."

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

fearmongering really pays off!

Wow, this is really scary.

Just yesterday the doctor said the swine flu is no worse than the seasonal flu, yet this idiot, so-called Secretary of "Health" is lifting all the restrictions on mercury in the swine flu vaccine. And the frightening thing is the shots will be going to the most vulnerable, pregnant women and children under three.

Now the CDC has drafted a quarantine order that says people can be quarantined even if they show no signs of being sick! "Anyone who is suspected to be exposed or is reasonably suspected to be exposed to the H1N1 virus can be quarantined." Unreal.

Amazing what a little fear mongering will do.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Turn Small Savings Into a Big Nest Egg or a big goose egg?

These are the sorts of money articles that just PISS ME OFF.

Take this paragraph from the aforementioned pissing off article:

"If you eliminate $100 of wasteful spending per month and instead channel that cash to an investment vehicle that yields an annual interest rate of 10%, that translates to more than $75,000 over 20 years, and more than $500,000 over the course of 40 years."

WHO is paying ten percent interest these days, especially on a lousy hundred dollars? Oooo that's right: noooooobody.

Hey, I have an even better idea. Put that $100 into "an investment vehicle" that yields an annual interest of 50% and you'll be able to retire rich five times quicker!

The really funny thing is that included with this article is a chart showing the interest rates of different "investment vehicles" and unless I'm blind, I'm not seeing any ten percenters. ONE percent is more the norm.

wow...a doctor that isn't afraid to tell the truth...

Saturday, October 03, 2009

it's quality time, kids!

Mr. G and I were laying (lying? have laid each other?) in bed Saturday afternoon after we finished cutting grass and eating supper.

He put his arm around me and snuggled me next to him and said, "All is well when we're in bed together, woman."

I said, "Yeah, the trouble starts when we get up."


Thursday, October 01, 2009

harder, better, stronger, faster

It's taken weeks for that dispshit Rendell and PA lawmakers to come up with a budget for Pennsylvania.

They've cut human services, such as help for elder care, but it seems they have a more needy cause: the Pittsburgh Penguins.

They've already agreed to give $40 million to the team to cover some of the costs of constructing the freaking $325 million dollar arena, and now they're going to float them an additional $5 million for a bond bailout.

Oh, well, what would the elderly have used that sort of money for anyway? Heating? Bathing assistance? Caregivers? Clearly it would have been wasted on frivolous garbage.

Soooo much better that the Pens have it. I would LOVE to know how much of that $325 million dollar price tag was paid for by the TEAM OWNERS.

take me out to the ball game

I was reading an article about a couple from Indiana who named their child Wrigley Fields because they love the Cubs.

That's just selfish. It's not our place to push our hobbies onto our kids in the form of their name. What if this kid grows up to hate baseball?

Hey, I love sex, but I have the common sense not to name any of my kids "Screaming O".

Although I did name one of my kids "Angel Soft" and another one, "Massengill".