Friday, July 31, 2009

the government is f'ed up

I love this "Cash for Clunkers" program the government has now. If you were STUPID ENOUGH to buy big ass gas guzzlers, you are now rewarded with up to $4,500 dollars when you trade in your vehicle. What about those of us who bought economy cars in the first place? Where's OUR $4500?

This program is almost as screwed up as the PA state budget.

State employees haven't been paid in weeks while Rendell is signing a bill for another six or seven more weeks of unemployment. So while state troopers and corrections officers and people who work in state run homes (to name a few) AREN'T being paid, people who sit on their ass at home collecting unemployment ARE being paid.

If that isn't fucked up, I don't know what is.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

if you find making toast as challenging as I do....

You're going to love the Clickfree back up drive for your computer. I know this cuz it says right on the box, "Easier than making toast." When I saw that I thought, "Hmmm, we shall see" because I've been dreading backing up my files. And I avoid making toast, too. Do I want light toast or dark toast? And do I trust the toaster once I make my decision? Too much thinking, I tells ya!!

EVEN THOUGH Stacey preaches backing up computer files in just about every five of her posts, I like to live on the edge. I have not listened one iota. I bet she even does it in her sleep. "Joe, what do you want for breakfast..insert snoring here..don't forget to back up your computer files.. more it morning yet?" I tried backing up my crap once or twice and when it told me I'd need about 900 cd's, I said, "Fug it."

Clickfree IS every bit as easy to use as it says. You plug it into your USB port, and it does the rest. My entire computer was backed up in about 12 minutes. And it has enough space to back up fifteen computers.

The deal through their website is much better than the one I got from QVC. I paid a total of $118 and didn't even get a case with it, and yes, I'm going to send a bitch email to QVC this very moment!

Soooo, oh yeah, if you want an easy way to back up your computer files, try Clickfree and buy it through their site!!

Saturday, July 25, 2009


"Once arrested by black cop for getting up in his grill. Admitted profiling, singling me out just because I was an asshole."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

a night under the stars

This continues my day trip series, also known as the "how to trick your kids into thinking you're really taking them somewhere" series.

Last night the offspring and I went the living room. Just like the great outdoors.

We sang camp fire songs and roasted marshmallows over a burning cigarette lighter. This unwittingly led to several "stop, drop and roll" lessons. We peeled back the tarp, and gazed at the stars in the sky through the giant hole Male Offspring #2 left in the roof when he decided to see what would happen if he set off a "Bada Bing, Bada Boom" on the 4th of July. I guess now we all know what happens when you set off an explosive indoors. Ahhh, the joys of working nightshift and leaving your offspring to entertain themselves.

While we slept wild animals tried to get into our food. Hey, it wasn't my turn to feed the cats. And a wild dog howled in the distance. Down the hall to be exact. She wasn't too happy about being left out of the 'trip' and she showed her intense displeasure by bellyaching all night long.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Paul Blart: He Sucks

I watched "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" and it was typical Kevin James fare in which he tries to convince us that even though he's really overweight, he's got great physical prowess. No. No, he doesn't.

Once again, I'm not buying a guy his age outfoxing and out maneuvering SEVERAL guys much younger than him. I've seen too damn many of these movies lately.

There are times I like to watch a movie just for the fun of it. It's like some nights you want to eat steak and some nights you just want a Hot Pocket. So I didn't go into this thinking it was going to be on the grand scale of say "Roots." But geez, people.

The only promising part of the storyline, the internet dating, was treated as a great idea for about three minutes, then totally forgotten. The best scenes surrounding the dating didn't make the final cut, and they never even had him meet anyone. His mother and daughter knew he had a crush on the chick at the mall, so why even waste our time with this if you're not going to follow through? And yes, ONCE AGAIN a not so good looking guy gets the hottie girl. Does it ever happen any other way? Do we ever see him get the type of women he really deserves? Ask Bob Newhart, he'll tell you a resounding "NO".

I give it a one star out of five. If you like "middle aged fat guy outwits young punk" movies, then this is for you, as is the Gunsmoke movie in which a seventy something James Arness outfoxes a bunch of young Indians.

let this be a lesson to ya!

I was reading this article on the swine flu and how it's killing more obese people than any other group. Apparently when you're overweight, your body is filled with inflammation and that seems to exacerbate the virus.

My favorite line in the article is this one: "The bottom line in this study is quite clear: Don't be obese during the next pandemic."

Oy vey. Like you can see when the next pandemic is coming and shed weight instantly....

mad crazy

I was watching an old episode of Mad TV and Michael McDonald played a stripper's husband.

During her performance at a bachelor party, he came into the room and sat down because he "was tired sitting in the van with the kids."

At one point he said to the guys, "This is the part where you stick dollar bills in her g-string. Don't get worried if you feel the baby kick."


i wonder how you're feeling

I was NEVER a fan of that long haired hippie Peter Frampton, when he was in his heyday, although I did like some of his songs, especially "Baby, I Love Your Way".

But NOW. OMG, he's a total hottie!!!

Tracy, when I'm with you, something you do bounces me off the ceiling

OMG! My gf showed up at Casa de Goddess Saturday afternoon with a copy of 25 All-Time Greatest Bubble Gum Hits. Yummy, yummy, yummy, I had love in my tummy.

The CD even contained two of my favorite songs from that era, "Quick Joey Small" and "Lay A Little Lovin' On Me." Honey, doggone it, I depend upon it. I knew all of the songs except for "Alice Long (You're Still My Favorite Girlfriend)" and "Jennifer Tomkins".

"Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes" was a song I liked, but lyrically it makes the chick sound like her shit is a love fertilizer.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

time for another installment of "let's go to the movies!"

This week I watched "Bye Bye Love" starring Paul Riser and Randy Quaid. It was the story of three divorced guys trying to jump start their relationships. It was so-so. My favorite piece of dialogue took place a scene in which Randy took Janeane Garafolo out on a blind date. She said, "I'm not looking for a successful relationship at this point. I'm just looking for someone that would prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very, very low. Basically, I'm looking for a mammal. That is my bottom line and I'm really very flexible on that, too."

I also watched "Pineapple Express," which if you haven't seen the film, refers to a type of marijuana. I made the mistake of watching PE right after I watched a Martin Lawrence film. Between the two of them, I was on "fuck overload". Pineapple was typical Seth Rogen fare, focusing on relationships and smoking dope. I found it hard to swallow Rosie Perez as a tough talking 'on the take' cop. One funny thing I noticed was a cop pulled up Rogen's police record on the MDT and it said something about a hit and run felony, then, "Arrest on site," which I'm sure was supposed to be "arrest on sight". My favorite lines were from a scene in which Rogen and Saul, his drug selling pal beat up another drug dealer who was trying to kill them before he got killed.
Saul: "Hey, Dale, do you think we're going to have to kill him? I don't think I'm capable of that."
Dale: "I don't think I could either."
Saul: "Maybe we could convince him to kill himself."
Another funny scene was when Saul managed to steal the cruiser while Dale (Rogen) was handcuffed in the back seat. They were trying to get away and Saul had slashed a red Squishee all over the front window and the windshield wipers wouldn't work. Dale told him to smash out the window, so he did...using his foot, which became embedded in the windshield...LOL! There he is driving down the street with his foot sticking through the front windshield. Hysterical.

"Thin Line Between Love & Hate" was Martin Lawrence's attempt at drama. He's a playa who plays the wrong woman, and she starts stalking him, hellbent on revenge. Martin Lawrence's idea of serious acting is to throw the word "fuck" into everything. "What the fuck are you doing here?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" "Get the fuck out!" See how it makes everything soooo much more dramatic? I've had more fun cleaning the gunk out of my belly button than I had watching this film.

I also saw "The Brothers Solomon" starring a very, very old Lee Majors, Will Arnet and Will Forte. This movie was about two brothers who decide to hire someone to have their baby after finding out their comatose father said he regretted not having a grandchild seconds before he slipped into his coma. What saved this movie from being stupid was the fact that the two brothers really loved each other. My favorite scene was when Dean called John a loser. "If I was always such a loser why was I voted our school's homecoming king?"
Dean: "We were home schooled."
John: "You're just upset because I beat you."
Dean: "You tied me!"
Took me a few minutes to figure out who the young girl was in the beginning scene with Will Forte. Turns out it was little Chrissy Seaver from Growing Pains, Ashley Johnson.

I also watched "Walk in the Clouds" starring Keanu Reeves and Debra Messing. Paul Sutton (Reeves) returns home from war and his wife (Messing) decides she wants him to go on the road selling chocolate because she's used to the finer things in life and she wants him to make money with a capital "M". On the train he meets Victoria, a young woman returning home to her strict father's home. She is pregnant and unmarried, after having an affair with her college professor. She knows her father will be furious so she and Sutton hatch a plan to pretend they are engaged. He will stay on night and then leave by morning. The movie was good but it moved sooooo slowly.

The last movie I saw was "The Neighbor" starring Matthew Modine--also in Bye, Bye Love--and Michele Laroque. He lives upstairs, she owns the building and wants him out. It was so-so and moved with all the speed of a turtle on downers.

no more toeing the line

I've always loved this song. I heard it on the radio the other night coming home from work, and of course, I had to crank up the volume and enjoy:)

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Don't know why you wanna jump on me,
Baby, baby, baby, and make-a me cry.

Baby, I, I'm gonna find myself someone new,
Someone who will be true,
But no more toeing the line.

I know it's o-ooh-over, cause I've seen the signs.
Don't let me waste your precious time.

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
If you wanna get uh-rid of me,
Baby, baby, baby, you're doin' fine.

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
I'm gonna put on my walkin' shoes
And leave you far behind.

You're rolling over in clover so refined,
But you can't fix this broken heart of mine.

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Don't know why you wanna jump on me,
Baby, baby, baby, and make-a me cry.

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Don't know why you wanna jump on me,
Baby, baby, baby, and make-a me cry.

Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.
Baby, I'm tired of toeing the line.

cry your ass off

The lady I take care of in the evening wanted to watch Oxygen's new show, "Dance Your Ass Off." Since she controls the remote--and my paycheck--who am I to say 'no'?

I can't STAND this Alicia chick. She wore this same crucified expression throughout most of the competition, looked like she was five seconds from bawling at all times, and then she threw this big fake fit.

Puhleeze. Stop trying to be the center of attention and stop it with the 'everybody picked on me in school' routine. This isn't school anymore, so (wo)man up and take responsibility for your actions.

Even though she was at the bottom of the leader board they brought her back for yet another show. Oy.

I hope she devotes as much time working on her "poor poor pitiful me" faces, as she does her dance routines.

Roland Tweet Week

From Doonesbury, Roland Hedley's Tweets:

"I'm about to sneeze. Thoughts?"

On the Michael Jackson funeral coverage:

"Close call here. They ended "We are the World" before I could jimmy open my gun closet and blow my brains out."

Bereaved billions stay home to ogle open coffin of beloved pedophile on live TV. Earth about to get a little bit creepier.

""Service" begins. Millions being paid to work actually watching TV. Loss in global productivity today = GNP of Mexico."

ooooo it's so shiny

I will say one thing about WalMart: they certainly know how to throw together an eye appealing circular.

Check out the one in today's paper. It is full of brightly colored objects that instantly make me want to buy them. I don't give a flying fug if one of them is a purple measuring cup and I never cook. Or that another one is an orange sweeper and I avoid cleaning like the plague. They look pretty, damn it!

Now contrast the WalMart ad to an idiotic Ollie's ad, which comes in black and white, uses small print, and is so jammed together you need two pairs of bifocals to read it. Heck, they even use black and white photos of the stuff on sale.*Yawn* They might have good deals, but I wouldn't know because the ad is too boring to read. It reminds me of the way the Big Lots ads used to look until they got a tad more upscale and learned to use color in their flyers.

This concludes lesson one on marketing: make the item as eye appealing as you can. Doesn't matter if it's a diamond ring or a pile of dog doo doo.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

this little piggy went to market

I am constantly misjudging the amount of time it will take me to get in and out of Dollar General on the way to work. Either I end up with fifteen minutes to kill or I'm racing through the back door at work with nary a second to spare.

Yesterday I went into DG, grabbed some ice cream placed only inches from the checkout counter, and jumped in line. There was only one old couple in front of me and they only had three things in their cart: a jar of cherries, a birthday card and some box matches. PHEW! I was definitely going to be on time.

They took the items out of the cart one by one, resting a few seconds in between because apparently birthday cards weigh heavier than we think, people! As the cashier was ringing them up, the wife went over to put the cart away. After fussing with it a few seconds, and just as the cashier calls out the total, Grandma beckons her husband over to aid her in her cart plight. They both fiddle with it while three more people get in line behind me. "Cart plight" sounds like something that would require Cart Aid, doesn't it? "We are the carts, we are the misfits, we are the ones with the wobbly wheels, so let's start giving. There's a choice we're making, taking carts with broken wheels..." ANYWHO.

The whole time I'm thinking, "Come on, damn it!!! Everybody knows you fug with the cart AFTER you pay." So Grandpa comes back to the checkout and despite the fact that the woman repeated, "Five dollars and twenty one cents" about three times, Grandpa Doubting Thomas decided he needed to squint at the register for several long seconds to see if she was lying. Can't blame him. You know how cashiers are constantly trying to cheat old people by saying one figure, charging another, then pocketing the difference. Hey, if you do this for several months, you'll have enough money for one of those really big Snicker bars. After a bit, Grandpa declares, "Five dollars and twenty one cents" as if he was required to come up with that figure all on his own.

He pulls out his wallet and several moths flew right into my face, all but blinding me. I see a five dollar bill CLEARLY among his bills and telepathically, I'm willing him to pull out that five. "Pick the five, PICK THE DAMN FIVE!!" Then I hear, "Onnnnne.......twwwwwo.........."

Son of a bitch. I don't know why he wasted those ones. Now he's going to have to get more change for the strip club.

He stalled out on four. "I know I have another one in here somewhere," and then he said words that sent chills down my spine, "If not, I'm sure I have the change." Instantly I imagined him counting out one hundred and twenty one pennies. Brrrrrrrrrr.

A pack of wild dogs ran past us and out the front door. Ok, not really. Just wanted to see if you were still awake.

At this point my ice cream is melting in my hand and I'm seriously contemplating opening it and eating it with my finger while Grandpa Moses finds that last dollar bill. Even if he does find a paper bill, I know I'm going to be there awhile because no way in Hell is he going to drop a quarter on the cash register because that, my friend, would result in change. And if there's one thing old people can't stand, it's change.

Glancing at the clock, I know I'm going to barely make it on time, when Grandma pulls out her change purse and declares she has the right change if Grandpa doesn't. Grandpa insists he doesn't need her change, he has it. It's moments like this I wish I had a gun and no conscience.

Well, suddenly Grandpa finds a dollar bill and lays it on the counter. Then he folds up his wallet and puts it away, then reaches into the other pocket, pulls out a handful of change, and I hear someone sighing behind me. I turn to the guy behind me, and we give each other that sincere "I wish to hell he'd fucking hurry up because I don't have all damn day" smile, and I notice that there are now six people behind me. I mentally noted that if we were on the highway right now, Grandpa would be the one in the lead driving ten miles under the speed limit with the left turn signal on the entire way, and I would be the one screaming, "Get off the road, *insert a really bad "c" word here*!!!"

Grandpa put one dime on the counter, then picked it up again, and said to his wife, "Look, it's a Canadian dime" because we live in America and every time you see a foreign coin, you're legally obligated to point it out to the person standing next to you. Then he puts another dime and an
Advil on the counter and tries to pass it off as twenty one cents. Oh, sure, he CLAIMS the Advil looked like a penny but we all knew he was trying to scam the cashier out of that penny. Probably saving up for one of those really big Snicker bars.....

And yes, I was late.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

stupid technology...mutter mutter

I almost had a third free summer trip lined up for the male offspring, until one of them had the smarts to Google the word "prostate". Damn!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

hott fun in the summertime

I took the offspring on another one of our fun filled day trips. (Two down, five to go.)

Today we attended a screening.

A screening of a brand new Hollywood flick, you ask?


I took them to a free black lung screening.

Great news!! None of the offspring have black lung!! All that coughing must be from their cigarette smoking. Phew!

But they are the proud owners of yet another fun, fact-filled magnet listing the warning signs of black lung, and the proud owners of more wonderful memories of Summer 2009.

rockin' robin

I was flipping channels and caught some of The Michael Jackson Channel (formerly Headline News) and Nancy Grace was on the phone talking about the MJ Memorial Service.

If this isn't the dumbest premise I've ever heard: Robin called her on the phone because she said "When you're reporting on a show, it can be different from sitting at home watching it, so we called Nancy, who is home watching, for her perspective..."

WTF?! I like Robin, but I think all that botox is seeping into her brain.

So Nancy gets on the phone and IMMEDIATELY starts railing on about how Michael's family and friends should have gotten him help with his drug addiction. Way to support the family on this difficult day, Nancy. Can you imagine being married to her and listening to her shit 24/7 over the dinner table?! Neither can I.

Sorry, but if you have small children and you can't find it within yourself to seek help for their sake, there is no way your siblings are going to reach you. MJ had to find it within himself to seek help, as does everyone else. Maybe he didn't think he had a problem, maybe he just wasn't at that place in his life yet, maybe he didn't care or maybe he thought that he was invincible, as do a lot of people who abuse drugs.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

and the stupid get even more stupid

Mark Sanford has now said he's "trying to fall back in love with his wife".

I'm wondering how he can talk now that he has both of his feet firmly planted in his mouth.

Oy. What a dick.

A wise man once said you have to know when to speak up and when to shut up.

Sanford evidently hasn't learned that lesson.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

bad kitty

I could not figure out why the flowers in this first pot were growing so badly, while the flowers in the second pot were turning out rather nicely. I was watering and feeding them the same.

I blamed myself, I blamed the flowers, I blamed the crappy growing season.

But I totally overlooked the real culprit until I caught one of the cats standing on the edge of the pot PISSING ONTO THE FLOWERS!

BTW, I am not the least bit happy with the 'clarity' of these pictures taken with my new Vivitar camera. I should have known better and gone with a Nikon or another Sony. They took FABULOUS pictures.

let them eat cake!

When you think "Fourth of July," do you think:
A. Patriotism/Freedom
B. Flags
C. Fireworks
D. Great! Another legitimate excuse to pig out on cake in public!!

If you're a REAL AMERICAN, the answer is, of course, D.

Check out our 4th of July cake. Isn't it beautiful? The perfect colors, the perfect flag shape. Hell, it even has the correct number of stars: six. I think I did a fantastic job on this cake. Picking it out and paying for it, I mean.


Make sure your sound is on because it sounds really realistic:)

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Friday, July 03, 2009

wasted away again in shitty movieville

My gf kept insisting I watch the movie "Taken," and never again will I take her recommendations. Hell, I winced when I read the synopsis, and it could not have been any more boringly predictible.

Liam Neeson--who is almost SIXTY YEARS OLD--plays a man whose daughter is kidnapped by human traffickers. He SINGLE - HANDEDLY gets her back.

Throughout the whole movie, Neeson only carries a handgun when others coming at him have high powered assault rifles. Doesn't matter. He's soooooo much more adept at using his handgun than they are with spraying bullets everywhere.

I can still smell the stank of total bullshit and the movie was over hours ago.

aye aye

Have you noticed a LOT of people--both men and women--these days are wearing eye glass frames like these or a variation of? I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't understand why everyone was going for the same shape of glasses when different shaped faces call for different shaped lenses.

The other day I went with Mr. G to the eye doctor's and he was picking out new frames. They had three walls of frames devoted to women, so I decided to try on frames as well.

After a few minutes it occurred to me that all the glasses were the same! They were ALL variations of this rectangle frame. You either bought the plastic version, the wire version or the frameless glasses. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The worst part is that most of them were smaller than the frames shown in this picture and I'm wondering how in the world they'd fit a bifocal lens into this frame?!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

i fell into a burning ring of fire

I was catching up on my episodes of Rescue Me this afternoon and in one ep, Tommy (Denis Leary) is in Needle's office talking to him.

Needle's gets up from his desk, walks around, drops a cigarette on the floor of his office and grinds it out.

Ummm, how likely is it that a fireman would put out a cigarette on the floor of his own office?

shut up, asshole

Mark Sanford has humiliated his wife and family enough. He needs to shut the hell up and stop trying to make excuses for being a cheater. PERIOD.

He's only trying to save his career. At this point in time, he needs to stop being so damn selfish and think with the big head for a change.