Sunday, May 10, 2009

"M" is for the marijuana she stole from me...

This is Female Offspring #2 updating Mom's blog for Mother's Day because I love her........... (she said I didn't have to buy her a present if I did the update.)

The sibs bought Mom 15 Mother's Day cakes along with 15 boxes of Dexatrim. Wanna bet she flushes the Dexatrim? Mom tried to explain the dangers of taking diet drugs, but we couldn't understand her because she was jamming forkfuls of cake into her mouth at the time.

Before I tell you what gifts she got, I should mention we all have different dads, because Mom never can make a decision and stick to it.

My dad, who is in prison, showed his love by crafting Mom a homemade gift: a shiv, fashioned out of a razor blade and a toothbrush handle. Mom has already threatened to stab anyone who touches her cake. Last year Dad sent her prison hooch he made from bread, raisins, kool aid and water, she drank it ALL, and was dead drunk. Later he told her he made it in his cell toilet. She vomited for days. Good times, good times.

Female Offspring #3's dad gave her an exercise machine. It was a brand new Stairmaster, and I'm sure the garbage guys are going to love it when they haul if off the curb tomorrow.

Male Offspring #6's dad gave her several mops. He's hard of hearing and all this time he thought Mom had a big 'mop' fetish.

I remember one time Female Offspring #5's dad gave Mom a mop, a bucket and a huge drum of Mr. Clean for Mother's Day. It was at least three months before he got out of the hospital.

Male Offspring #5's old man gave Mom a stack of traffic tickets and told her that if she liked cops so much she should drive her 'dubba wide ass' downtown and pay his tickets. Wonder how long it'll be before he gets out of the hospital? We missed the smack down, though. Once we heard the words 'dubba wide ass' we scattered like trailers in a tornader.

"M" is for the many Marlboros she smoked while she was pregnant with me,

"O" means only that she's growing old and can't remember her ass from a hole in the ground,

"T" is for the tears and threats she made when we hid her chocolate stash,

"H" is for the hundreds of swear words she's taught us,

"E" is for her easy way with words..................(and men),

"C" is for her continuing cop fetish.

Put them all together and what do you have?


No, wait, that's not right. Screw it. The day is almost over and she's screaming at me to get the post up.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

1 comment:

BRUNO said...

Doesn't know her ASS from a HOLE in the ground? Well, it's actually quite simple, to tell the difference: You take a stick, poke it in ONE of the two holes. If a swarm of hornets attack you---RUN, and leave the OTHER hole alone!

However---IF you have poked the OTHER hole first---run FASTER, an' hope the stick draggin' behind will slow 'er down enough that the HORNETS will take 'er down FIRST...!

(Hey---YOU were the one who came up with MOTHEC...!)