Monday, April 20, 2009

who let the offspring out?

Although I've been trying to avoid sugar, I was defeated by the sight of a HUGE ass chocolate muffin last night.

There I was, innocently minding my own business, paying for my gas when I heard, "Pssssssssst, Goddess! EAT ME!"

I turned around and there was this HUGE ass chocolate muffin waving at me. He pulled down his wrapper and exposed himself to me, in a "I dare you to put this in your mouth" kind of way.

I said, "Look you HUGE ass chocolate muffin, I am sticking to my 'no sugar' diet. Because as everyone says, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'."

The HUGE ass chocolate muffin laughed and laughed. "What the hell does that even MEAN, Goddess? 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'?! When was the last time you had one of my relatives sliding down your throat? I bet it tasted pretty damn good."

As has often been said--usually by me--there's no arguing with chocolate.

So this morning, Mr. G was at work, the offspring were at school--the ones who haven't been suspended, that is--and Female Offspring #1, who was visiting for the week, was in her room. I made a nice mug of green tea and put the muffin on the table with my tea. I was getting ready for work, so I was making trips in and out of the bathroom, doing my hair and makeup.

I had only taken two bites of said muffin when I came back to find it missing. And the only one in the room was the dog. Well, I FREAKED because chocolate can be fatal to dogs.

I called the vet, and I'm like, "OMG! OMG! My dog is dying! She got into my chocolate muffin. I don't know if it's real chocolate or fake chocolate or if that even matters but OMG! She's gonna die!"

The vet tech said, "What sort of behavior is the dog displaying right now?"

I said, "She's on her side snoring LIKE SHE'S DEAD."

At that exact moment, two things struck me simultaneously:
1. dead dogs don't snore
2. Female Offspring #1 was walking into the room eating a HUGE ass chocolate muffin.

I said, "Hmmm, never mind. I don't think it was the dog after all. I think a big rat might have carted my muffin away."

I hung up the phone and said, "Where did you get that muffin?"

Female Offspring #1 said, "On the table, right next to your hot tea and your laptop."

I said, "Did it not occur to you that it was MY muffin?"

She said, "Of course it did. That's why I took it into my room to eat it in peace. I only came out because you were yelling about the dog dying."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....at least the dog's still alive.

4 comments:

Shrinky said...

What is it about female offsprings, and why don't they tell us all about this BEFORE we get pregnant, huh?

(That conversation you and the muffin had should be triple x-rated girl..)

BRUNO said...

Yeah, terribly nasty! And for a young blonde "lady" of YOUR stature!!!

DAMN, I'M PROUD OF YA'....!!!

*Goddess* said...

Because, Shrinky, they know we'd never go on to populate the planet:)

Thanks, Bruno:) You inspired me with that fruitcock tail comment!

BRUNO said...

Now that's REALLY disgusting! In-breeding, and fruit!

In-bred, and fruits. Kind of a Catch-22 there, isn't it? Or, maybe an oxymoron?

(I can't believe I just spelled that 25-cent word above...! Ain't even sure it's the correct one for the cause!!!)