Thursday, April 30, 2009

In the interest of political correctness....

The swine flu will now be known as "H1N1 influenza A".

You know why, right?

Because the pork industry is having fits over people being afraid to eat pork.

Also in the interest of political correctness, "This Little Piggie Went To Market" will now end, "...and this little piggie cried, 'Wee we--OMG! I've contracted the swine flu! I should have never gone to that damn market without my mask!' all the way home."

scares 'em away more effectively than a gun!

Now that we're dealing with the Big Pig Flu of '09, if you're one of those people who don't like guests dropping in --yes, Bruno, I'm talking to you--try putting several of these in your front yard.

the bitch is back

Now that my boss has me sucked into these (un)reality shows, I have to say that Melissa Rivers couldn't have acted like more of a snot nosed brat if she tried when she got booted from Celebrity Apprentice Sunday.

All of the previous 'bootees' were not happy to go, but they left with style and grace. They didn't go out into the lobby screaming and yelling obscenities.

While I totally agree her team mates stuck it to her because the redhead thinks she can easily beat the blonde, Rivers came off looking like a petulant third grader stomping her feet and demanding her coat.

I told my boss when we started watching a few weeks back that Melissa would go before Joan so that Joan could then throw a fit and walk out, which she did. Now we'll have to sit through some violin playing scene in which Melissa convinces "Mommy" to go back and win one for the River's team. UGH. Hard to tell which one is more obnoxious: Joan or Joan Jr.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

doctor, doctor, mr. md, can you tell me, what's ailin' me?

I am SO GRATEFUL for the ninety plus news stories that are running daily on Swine Flu Terror 2009. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't know that the best way to protect myself is to wash my hands and stay home when sick.

I appreciate it when they preface the stories with "we dont want to scare anyone BUUUUT". Almost makes me think they mean it.

And I haven't heard it, but I can almost guarantee that somewhere some religious nutjob is telling everyone this swine flu is a plague from God. My guess is Pat Robertson is sounding something like this: "God spoke to me last night and He told me that millions of people were going to die. He didn't tell me how or why or when or where, but I know this swine flu is a plague from God for all the horrible things we've done. Or because of those horrible gays trying to get married and be happy."

Ya know every time someone tells me some horrible thing has happened because people are gay, I always ask this one question, and I've never gotten an answer: "If God sends illness upon people whose life styles He doesn't agree with, why wasn't Hilter struck down with some hideous disease?"

BTW, to show how very cynical I've become of the medical industry--and that's what it is--the minute I heard about this "pandemic" I said to Mr. G, "This is probably just an excuse to sell all that Tamiflu vaccine that they were trying to pimp during the bird flu that never materialized." Because oddly enough, even though they know NOTHING about this flu, news outlets are already saying the Tamiflu vaccine will work against it.

Oh, and it's almost comical how people are wearing those stupid paper masks. I'd love to know how people think that's going to stop them from getting the flu when IT'S NOT AIRTIGHT.
Case in point: ever see a scientist wearing one of those around dangerous chemicals? Uh uh. Remember during Y2K when they told us to duct tape our windows with plastic to keep out the radiation or whatever horrible chemicals were going to assail us? Equally idiotic.

But apparently I'm not the only cynic. Dr. Mercola has an interesting outlook on the entire thing....

Thursday, April 23, 2009

would you like to take a survey?!

The census dude knocked on the door really, really early this morning. Being the ever alert citizen that I am, I rolled over to the window, hiked it up, and said, "Huh?" as I scratched myself in unsavory places.

The census dude asked me all of two questions.

Yeah, he woke me up for THAT.

Then he said, "I'll let you go. I see you were sleeping."

What's the first clue? The crust in my eyes? The drool down the front of my jammies? The fact that I had to give my name and address some considerable thought? Not my fault. I thought he was tossing in a trick question.

Gaydar...on sale now at Best Buy!

Even though every one has now informed me that the latest episodes SUCK, Mr. G and I are going back and watching The Office from the beginning.

We just finished watching the episode in which Jim told Dwight he could buy gaydar at Best Buy. LOL!!! After Jim went on to tell them the gaydar was 'sold out,' he sent his own version to 'help' Dwight out.

BTW, every time we watch The Office, Mr. G points out--in all seriousness--that he thinks Rainn Wilson looks "slightly retarded". Oy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

who let the offspring out?

Although I've been trying to avoid sugar, I was defeated by the sight of a HUGE ass chocolate muffin last night.

There I was, innocently minding my own business, paying for my gas when I heard, "Pssssssssst, Goddess! EAT ME!"

I turned around and there was this HUGE ass chocolate muffin waving at me. He pulled down his wrapper and exposed himself to me, in a "I dare you to put this in your mouth" kind of way.

I said, "Look you HUGE ass chocolate muffin, I am sticking to my 'no sugar' diet. Because as everyone says, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'."

The HUGE ass chocolate muffin laughed and laughed. "What the hell does that even MEAN, Goddess? 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'?! When was the last time you had one of my relatives sliding down your throat? I bet it tasted pretty damn good."

As has often been said--usually by me--there's no arguing with chocolate.

So this morning, Mr. G was at work, the offspring were at school--the ones who haven't been suspended, that is--and Female Offspring #1, who was visiting for the week, was in her room. I made a nice mug of green tea and put the muffin on the table with my tea. I was getting ready for work, so I was making trips in and out of the bathroom, doing my hair and makeup.

I had only taken two bites of said muffin when I came back to find it missing. And the only one in the room was the dog. Well, I FREAKED because chocolate can be fatal to dogs.

I called the vet, and I'm like, "OMG! OMG! My dog is dying! She got into my chocolate muffin. I don't know if it's real chocolate or fake chocolate or if that even matters but OMG! She's gonna die!"

The vet tech said, "What sort of behavior is the dog displaying right now?"

I said, "She's on her side snoring LIKE SHE'S DEAD."

At that exact moment, two things struck me simultaneously:
1. dead dogs don't snore
2. Female Offspring #1 was walking into the room eating a HUGE ass chocolate muffin.

I said, "Hmmm, never mind. I don't think it was the dog after all. I think a big rat might have carted my muffin away."

I hung up the phone and said, "Where did you get that muffin?"

Female Offspring #1 said, "On the table, right next to your hot tea and your laptop."

I said, "Did it not occur to you that it was MY muffin?"

She said, "Of course it did. That's why I took it into my room to eat it in peace. I only came out because you were yelling about the dog dying." least the dog's still alive.

wanna hear a blonde joke?

I know I shouldn't make fun of my own people, but I can't help it. This is damn funny.....

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

bedtime stories

I watched Adam Sandler's Bedtime Stories over the weekend. Normally, the words "Adam Sandler" would keep me from ordering a movie, but the trailer looked cute. You know how that works. You get sucked in by the trailer, because of all the funny bits, only to find out that the funny bits in the trailer were the ONLY good ones in the entire movie.

I was very pleasantly surprised by this movie. Skeeter Bronson's (Sandler) father used to tell him bedtime stories every night, and when Skeeter was asked to watch his niece and nephew, he carried on his father's tradition and told the kids stories each night. He quickly realized that the stories were coming true and tried to manipulate them for his own benefit.

I would give the movie a solid four out of five. My movie 'barometer' is based on how long into a movie I am before I check the remaining time. Almost an hour had gone by in this one hour and thirty nine minute movie before I checked, so I know I was enjoying it.

I have to say that I did NOT recognize Lucy Lawless at all in the character of Aspen. It wasn't until I was looking through the cast that I noticed her name.

Check it out. The kids will love Bugsy the guniea pig, and all the entertaining stories come to life.

well ain't that the truth:)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

book her, Dano

The Octuplet Mom is planning to make a documentary about her life.

I believe the tentative working title is "The Government Is Supporting My Kids, Why Not Yours?"

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I am happy to report

That the economy is fixed, jobs are plentiful and our country is out of the recession!!!

It must be, otherwise, the newspaper "reporters" would not be wasting out time with idiotic stories about the Obama's freaking dog. That's right, his freaking dog!

IS the dog a rescue? Who gives a flying FUCK? Ideally, it would be GREAT if they adopted a rescue, but this is America. They DO have the right to buy a dog from a breeder.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hoppy Easter!

I'm writing this post from the comfort of my warm, toasty bed, while the offspring are outside, where they've been for the last three hours, partaking of the annual Easter egg hunt.

I told them I took "extra special care" hiding their eggs, and the first one to find an egg gets a $100 bonus. Their unbridled glee almost makes me feel bad that I didn't even buy any eggs this year, let alone take "extra special care" to hide them.

I can't believe I never came up with this idea for their Christmas gifts, i.e., hide them and make them find them. Putting them under the tree makes it waaaay too easy for their lazy little butts.

I really should get out of bed and clean a spot on my mantle. I'm going to need room for that "Mother of the Year" trophy.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

you WISH you could be this organized!

When Mr. G wanted to sign up with Dish a month or so ago, I wasn't happy with the idea. We signed up but before they had a chance to come, I canceled. It bugged the piss out of me, that they were giving me a six month discount, BUT I had to stay with them for an additional 18 months at whatever they wanted to charge me.

They charged me a $49 fee --$90+ if you have two tv's, so when I called to cancel, I was very careful to document who I talked with, badge #, blah blah. I've been through charge backs before, and on the off chance they had no business ethics and didn't remove the charge on their own, I wanted to be prepared because I know they ask you a lot of information for the cc company.

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning, came across this paper with the Dish info and thought, "Eh, what do I need this for?" and I chucked it.

Needless to say--but I'm gonna anyway--the little f'ers are going to make me fight to get that $49 fee taken off and now I can't even remember when the appointment was....sigh. The credit card companies USED to be on OUR side but now we're guilty until proven innocent.

Suck it, Chase.

Friday, April 10, 2009

and the stars shone brightly overhead

Well, if this ain't the pot calling the kettle 'black'.....

This is the difference between real life and celebrity life: when a "real" person chubs up and loses weight, it's a chore. When a celeb chubs up and loses weight, it's a big book deal.

"18-year-old Taylor Ann Hasselhoff and 16-year-old Hayley Amber Hasselhoff are planning, much like their part-time-pop-star dad David Hasselhoff, to take Germany and hopefully the rest of the music world by storm as a new recording duo." At first I thought, "Gee, I hope they have talent," then I realized their dad never let a little thing like "NO talent" stand in his way....

What's next? We change the title of the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?" to "Who Let the Spayed & Neutered, Licensed Dogs Out?"

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

here comes Peter Cottontail

I am SO GLAD Easter is almost here. I have been making extra money writing Easter bunny letters for deadbeat parents who are too lazy to pick up a pen and write one themselves.

It takes a lot of effort because I try to make each letter memorable, so I take special care to tailor the letter to the child's personality.

"If you don't stop your freaking whining, I'm leaving you a basket full of dollar store chocolate and Ex Lax. Good luck figuring out which is which."

"If you don't clean up your pigsty of a room, NO JELLY BEANS FOR YOU!!!"

"If you don't stop smoking crack, I won't bring you any candy."

All that threatening saps me creatively:(
I mean, sure I do it on a regular basis at home, but I'm not getting paid to do that.

you kids and your crazy rock and roll music!

What is that STUPID new song playing on the radio where it sounds like they're continuously screaming, "tally ho!" in the background?!

Sunday, April 05, 2009

reality show clip time!

My boss has me totally into watching these stupid reality shows....guh!

So I think it sucked big time that clueless Donald Trump booted Chloe Kardashian because he just found out she had a DUI. Um, HELLO?! What kind of vetting process do you pay your people to do for you, Donald? Clearly they're not doing their job. Must be the same folks who gives him hair styling tips. I'm not defending anyone's drinking & driving, but it had nothing to do with the job she did on the show. At least find a LEGITIMATE reason to fire someone related to the task at hand, instead of getting all self righteous on your audience. And how disgusting was Clint Black's All commercial tying in masturbation with detergent? What an idiot. Doesn't take a genius to see who needed to get the boot on his team.

I wonder how things might have turned out for Megan Joy on Idol had she told Simon she DID do a lousy job and she would try harder, instead of being immature and flippant saying she 'didn't care' what the judges thought of her performance? Isn't that the whole point OF Idol? Being critiqued on your performances?

when i grow up, i'm going to marry cake...not the band, the food

You know that I've often talked about my love of cake. About how I was going to marry a few guys I didn't even like, just for the wedding cake? How I had offspring I couldn't afferd, just for the shower cake and their subsequent birthday cakes? How I said my favorite thing about Mother's Day is the sixteen cakes I get and refuse to share? How I would give Mr. G bj's for a good sized piece of vanilla cake? Hey, I've given it up for a Snicker bar. BUT NOT the fun sized bars! I have principles!!

I've been trying not to eat any sugar--yes, I'm on that frigging kick again--and when I was at work last night my boss watched one show after another on the topic of....*drum roll please*.....CHICKENS!!

Ok, it was CAKE!! I just wanted to screw with ya.

I'm like, "What's next? The frigging pizza channel? 'All pizza you can't eat, all the time'?"

So I left there after midnight and was dying for cake. I passed several convenience stores along the way, and did I stop in and buy cake? Did I cave in a weak moment just for some damn cake? Hell, yeah. And it was guuuuuuud;)

Saturday, April 04, 2009

when you're in love with a beautiful woman, it never ends

I came out of the grocery store last night with Mr. G, and as I walked passed this beat up old truck, this bum---for want of a better description---stuck his head out the window and said, "HiiiiiiiiAiiiiii," in a way that sounded more like, "Would you have sex with me?"

Hey, it's not his fault, I had "the do me vibe" going on all day yesterday...LOL!

Anywho, I ran over to Mr. G and said, "Honey! Did you hear the bum in that dumpy truck? He was coming on to me!"

He said, "Yeah, I heard him."

I said, "Isn't your gut twisting with jealousy?"

He said, "If it had been a good looking guy in a Corvette, I'd be pissed. But him? That's just laughable."

I said, "FINE! But when I retell and slightly embellish this story--and I will--I'm telling everyone you were crazed with jealousy!"

Poor guy, he can't help himself.

Friday, April 03, 2009

where is the love you said you'd give to me soon as you were free?

The cynic in me says, "How much you wanna bet they get married anyway?"

Oh, come on. He's not a stalker, he's just 'dedicated' to the one he loves. I liked how Johnson said, ""I know if sounds a little bit crazy, but my, uh, intuition tells me that we're gonna have a beautiful relationship together." Yeah, cuz nothing says "beautiful relationship" like duct tape and a shot gun.

get me to the ER! STAT!!!

Did anybody watch the last ER?

I thought Mark Greene died when he was married to the English chick, Alex, and yet I saw him in the commercials. What was up with that?

And did Clooney come back for the last ep?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

I'm bitterly disappointed...

....that some male inventor hasn't figured out how to drive his toilet down the street.

A 28-year-old Ohio man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing this lawn mower that he reconfigured with a bar stool. Police said Kile Wygle told them that he had consumed 15 beers on March 4 before he headed out on the vehicle that he said can go up to 38 mph.

Heeeere's your sign!

And I thought the guys who drove their lawn mowers to the Dairy Queen drive thru were weird....

Thanks, Bugs!

april 1

pure crap

I was watching the soaps this afternoon and saw a commercial that encouraged kids to drink more water. At least that's what I thought the message was.

It talked about how kids don't "jump into pools of high fructose corn syrup" or "play in fountains of sugar on a hot summer day". Then it went on to say, "Water is the pure choice, so "embrace the 'Pure Life'."

I decided to check the ingredients in Nestle Pure Life to find out how "pure" it is. It's sweetened by Splenda and has 50 mgs of sodium for every 8 ounces. Way to ruin water, Nestle.


Stephen Colbert's take on the Obama family's search for a dog....

I love it:)