Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
He neglected to say he'd more than likely be surrounded by body guards, making it a TAD safer for him than regular folks.....
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk said, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Luthern and 6 Baptists."
Sunday, December 27, 2009
FO#1: "Yeah, I didn't steal enough of your Christmas cards when I was home last month, so next year, I'll be sure to steal an entire box."
Me: "Good thinking."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sooooooooooo, I decided to go shopping last night after work. We decided we were just going to buy each other a few small gifts in the $50-$75 range. Nothing extravagant because I just don't have it. They were calling for a snow storm, but it wasn't supposed to start till midnight, which would have given me an hour to speed through the store like a tornader in a trailer park and grab my stuff. I told myself that if it started snowing by the time I got out of work, I wouldn't go. Well, it was snowing, so I didn't go.
Today the boss's son from my night job called and asked if I could work this afternoon since she had a bit of a medical emergency that needed my attention. I said I could. After all, I have studded tires and a Rio that goes pretty much anyway. Screw that snow storm! Or so I thought. I had to grind my way up both side streets to get to the main street and that was AFTER they'd been plowed.
I called my husband after I got home and told him I knew what I was going to get with any money I received for Christmas: 2 new studded tires.
He's like, "NO WAY! Those tires are good! You just need to get a good start up the hill."
Yes, we've only lived here 20+ years. Why didn't *I* think of that?
I said, "Fine, when you get home, you try it."
So, long story short, I now have to order two new studded winter tires Monday morning with a price tag of almost $200. Lovely.
I will have shelled out over $450 for these two bills in two weeks. And I'm still no closer to getting those damn gifts.
I know I should be grateful that I have a good car and two jobs and an income, but once JUST ONCE, I'd like to have a fun Christmas, where I can buy a few gifts and not have to worry about $ and bills.
If that chubster doesn't come through for me this year, NO COOKIES AND SOUR MILK NEXT YEAR!!!!
And I'm not fooling, Fatboy!!!
I know it doesn't take much to hold a child's interest but that's no excuse for a lousy plot. The plot was stupid--yes, stupider then believing four rodents were members of an elite team. I mean, seriously, FBI guys engaged in a high speed chase with hamsters in balls? And smashing and rolling their SUVs over same said hamsters in balls? That is one GIANT sucking sound I hear.
The only bright spot was the funny lines between Juarez (Penelope Cruz), Blaster (Tracy Morgan) and Darwin (Sam Rockwell) as they tried to figured out which of the male hamsters Juarez was interested in.
She wrote on her Facebook page: "Men are like government bonds. They take way too long to mature."
Juarez accidentally blurted out to Blaster that she was interested in Darwin. Darwin overhears and later shows up at her door.
Darwin: Juarez, I hear over the wire you're interested.
Juarez: I'm not interested.
Darwin: That's not what you told Blaster.
Juarez: Don't you get it? I want him interested in me. And he'll only be interested if he thinks I'm not.
Darwin: But you are interested.
Juarez: I am.
Darwin: But not in me?
Juarez: No, no, no. Because you know you can have me, which makes you not interested and therefore I wouldn't be interested in you even if I were.
Later, Darwin told Blaster Juarez was really interested in him.
Darwin: Blaster, I need to tell you something about Juarez. You have nothing to worry about. She's not interested in me.
Blaster: She told you that?
Darwin: Yeah, she really wants you. She's trying to make you more interested in her by acting disinterested.
Blaster: Yeah, well maybe she told you she wants me in order to look not interested in you which makes you more interested in her.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I was emailing my gf and I sent her the link to the chocolate chip cookie recipe, along with the note, "I can't wait to try this!"
She wrote back saying, "REALLY???!!! Won't hubby care?"
I said, "Why in the world would he care? They sound delish."
Alas, I'd sent her the link to the male prostitutes story.
"Some women who were involved with the married pro golfer say they received monthly payments with the implication being that they would keep quiet about any relationship."
Women? Keep quiet about the fact that they're sleeping with a married celeb?! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Wow, Tiger has no smarts when it comes to women, does he?
Monday, December 14, 2009
My dog keeps eating these stupid burrs. Well, I guess they're burrs, that's what we've always called them.
She'll eat them, then they'll get stuck in her throat and she'll race around frantically eating anything she can to make herself throw up. And I mean ANYTHING, including dryer sheets, grass, paper and dead leaves. The cycle is lovely to watch.
One would think that once you've gagged on something about twenty times, you'd know better. Apparently not. I don't even know why she eats the stupid things. I'm guessing they must taste like chicken...
They've hired high priced call girl Ashley Dupree as their advice columnist.
This will be great. I mean, come on. You don't want to ask an EXPERT about important things pertaining to your relationships, you want to ask a hooker, who sleeps with complete strangers for cash, and whose sole criteria for a "relationship" is $$$$$.
I've already sent in my first "relationship" question: "How much should I be charging for blowjobs? I'm not sure about the going rate."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
'Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.'
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
'A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.'
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
'The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.'
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
'The SPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.'
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
'Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of GPS navigation system, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the SPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.'
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
'You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.'
Now I kinda wanna buy that book....
It appears Linda Reilly wrote a rather interesting book in this same series. The guy is not only gay, he's also a Jewish vampire. She's very cleverly appealing to many sectors of society.
I think I'm going to write a romance about a lesbian Jewish Secret Service vampire who secretly longs to be with a Gentile lesbian international counter spy werewolf. Take that, Linda!
I'm listening to the kids talking to Santa, and I must admit, they're clever little stinkbugs. Santa asks, "Have you been good this year?" and of course, they all lie and say 'yes', but when Santa asks them HOW they've been good, the little buggers all know what Santa wants to hear..."helping people".
Now this is where Santa pisses me off. Instead of calling them on this, Santa just says, "Ok, then." WRONG! We need the scoop, the dip and the 411. Santa should ask them HOW they're 'helping people'. Hell, one of my offspring helped themselves to a stranger's wallet, does that mean he should get that GI Joe doll he's been dogging me about?! Well, I guess that's a moot point since he bought himself one with the money he stole, saving me the trouble of buying it with my Southern Comfort money, but you follow the way I've drifted.
As this holiday season reaches it's "climax" may I just remind you of this nasty little affair between Santa and Furkey Joe...
Friday, December 11, 2009
I know picking a name for your new baby is hard, after all, there are soooo few to pick from. If only someone would compile a bunch of names in a book, and call it ...oh, I don't know, something like "Baby Names", wow, that would make the process so much simpler, wouldn't it?
To all you expecting parents in the process of name picking, I say: PLEASE no more Willie Williams or John Johnsons or Jeremiah Jeremiahs. NO more Al Albertsons or John Johns or Tim Timmons.
Put a little thought into it and know that it's permissible to move up and down the alphabet when choosing first names. One is not legally bound to use the same beginning letter in the first name as well as the last.
And knock off the screwy spellings. No more 'Barbee' instead of 'Barbie', no more 'Jayme' instead of 'Jamie' and for the love of Pete, no more 'Leanne', 'Leeanne' or 'Leeann' instead of 'Leann.'
And what's up with people whose kids all have to have the same initials? What's the purpose of this? Are these parents so heavy into monogramming clothes they they figure they can pass them down from oldest to youngest without ever having to rip those initials off?
Celebs can blame ridiculous names on their "eccentricities" (in the average Joe and Jo, we recognize these as "mental problems"), but po' people have no excuses. Aside from DNA and chubby thighs, a name is the first thing you give your child. Don't embarrass the hell out of them right out of the starting gate.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Driving to and from work last night was a NIGHTMARE. When I left home, we had gotten a light covering of snow and were getting sleet. In the next two boroughs and into the city, the streets were just wet.
Ten minutes after I got to work, I looked outside and the streets were covered with snow. On the way home it was snowing until I got into my township and we were back to the sleet and freezing rain.
It was like driving in sand, and it instantly brought to mind the older cars that used to fishtail in bad weather. Ick.
Of course, I managed to get behind the one person who decided the weather reports had nothing to do with him, and he was going to hang onto those summer tires with both hands. Sigh.
Oh, to be rich and retired!!!!
Monday, December 07, 2009
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’
The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
Sunday, December 06, 2009
I made the male offspring read several articles about the dangers of using a chainsaw at night time, then bundled them up and sent them off with some hott chocolate, a floodlight and a well oiled chainsaw.
I'm not much on power tools, does anyone know if you can get a silencer for your chainsaw? Just askin' is all....for next year.
I also gave them strict instructions NOT to drag the tree directly home after the cops followed the trail of pine needles right to our place last year. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I told them to take a sled with them, drag the tree to a neighbor's yard and at that point, put it on the sled and then pull it home.
The cops will be none the wiser.
It's like I have to tell those kids everything.
I said, "Honey, let's do something FUN tonight!"
He said, "What? We had sex this morning."
I guess I've reached my "fun limit" for the day.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
We have our first official snow and our first official snow plowing!!
Now this is not to be confused with a REAL snow because in that case, you wouldn't see the snow plow at all.
No, this is one of those snows where you can still see grass in places, which seems to bring the snow plow guys out in full force. Days that also bring the snow plow guys out in full force are at the END of winter when the roads are just wet, it's sunny, but snowflakes are flying! And so are the sparks from the back of the plow as the blade scrapes bare road.
This type of snow also brings out the neighbor GUY (women aren't this gullible) who just got a new snow blower toy and is anxious to try it out. This is usually the same neighbor GUY who is thrilled he doesn't have to ride his riding lawn mower anymore cuz it's such hard work. Oh, for the first few days of this glorious snow, he'll be blowing and clearing everything in his way. Path for the dog to pee? No problem. Path to get to the shed to get the snow blower out? Why that's essential. Path to the bird feeders? You got it. Three more weeks into winter and he'll realize that snow blowing is more work than cutting grass because he can't sit on his ass to do it.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Holy crap, are they ever big! (How big are they, Goddess? I'd say about a third of a pound...)
They tasted really good, but they have this odd sauce, which must be mayonnaise based. I can't quite pinpoint the ingredients though.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
I've never seen a singer avoid moving as much as she is in this video. Weird.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tonight I watched the vid, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" starring Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaughey. This is a Scrooge meets Hugh Hefner type movie. Whereas Scrooge's biggest problem was that he was a miser, Connor Mead's biggest problem is juggling all his mindless sex.
I know the movie was schlocky and ridiculous in parts--especially McConaughey's stud routine--but I actually enjoyed it. Emma Stone was the best part of the movie. She played McConaughey's ghost of girlfriends past. I also got a kick out of McConaughey's assistant, who played the girlfriend present. "Yeah, it's me. Working on the weekend again. As usual." LOL!
After his parents were killed in a car accident, Connor Mead (McConaughey) was raised by his playboy Uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas). When his uncle realizes that Connor is turning out just like him and destined to die alone--don't we all?--he pays him a visit and brings with him the three ghosts of girlfriends past, present and future to show him where it all went wrong. Of course, the future shows him at his own funeral with only his brother attending because Connor has only used women for sex and little else, blah blah.
I was surprised to see that the movie was written by two men because I thought women were the ones who were naive enough to think that guys who have meaningless sex actually CARE that they're having meaningless sex and suddenly desire marriage because they don't want to end up alone with nothing but memories of mindless orgasms to remind them of how empty their lives are.
Yeah, that really happens.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
While I think it's FANTASTIC that Ellen helped her out by giving her a vehicle and $10,000, the idea wasn't well thought out. I see the same problem with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Much as I wonder how the home owners are going to pay for big insurance rates on a newly remodeled house, I wonder how in the world Ellen thinks this mother and student is going to come up with the money to pay the insurance on an expensive SUV?
Celebs are so out of touch with reality. While the shiny, costly SUV's are great to look at, and ooo and ahhh over, a much more practical idea would have been to give her an economical car, maybe a hybrid, and with the rest of the money, pay her car insurance for a year or two or three or four, given that a GMC Terrain SUV starts at $24,000+.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
In the United States, the FDA has stopped short of banning the drugs, choosing instead to require a stronger warning label on all products containing propoxyphene.
After all, why shouldn't the big pharmaceutical companies continue to rake in the big bucks as long as there's a strong warning on the box? That fixes everything!
Way to go, FDA, you've shown your true colors once again.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
If you take the cynicism and neuroticism of Woody Allen, and combine it with the cynicism and neuroticism of Larry David, you have a bleak movie that is released to the theaters in June 2009 and out on DVD by October.
I like Larry David on Curb because it's a 42 minute experience on DVD. But an hour and 32 minutes of Larry David is waaaay too much Larry David.
I also think the premise of talking directly to the camera has been done to death.
In this movie, David considers himself to be a genius while all of those around him are mere idiots. (Sound familiar?) He takes in Evan Rachel Wood, a runaway from the South. He constantly bombards her with his cynical view of the world and how he's dying from every disease imaginable ala Richard Lewis and for some idiotic reason, she falls in love with him. And for that, David is right on one score--she's 'incredibly stupid'. They marry and her mother (Patricia Clarkson) comes to NY to find her after learning her husband (Ed Begley Jr.) has had an affair with her best friend. Mom stays in NY and goes from a Bible thumper to a Bohemian artist type shacking up with two men. Dad comes to NY to find her and ends up in a gay relationship. As Woody Allen would say, "Oy vey!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I thought maybe Kelly might pull it off because so many people have fallen in love with her, but when she won the third place spot, I thought for sure Mya was going to win. She has been so flawless in many of her dances.
I think one of my favorite dances of the entire season was the Viennese Waltz starring Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough. Her dress was perfect, the song was perfect, and she just relaxed into the music. She looked so pretty.
BTW, has anyone been on the show and NOT said, "I've grown during the show"?!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Penning a letter to Santa is not as easy as you might think. The letters must include several key elements.
First of all, begin your letter "Dear Santa" or "Hello, Santa". DO NOT begin your letter with "What up, Homeboy?" or "Yo dawg!" Show some respect. Do not refer to Santa as "Homie"
or "Dude" or "Shawty". After all, you want him to bring you nice toys, not a sawed off shot gun
and a shank.
Secondly, IMMEDIATELY tell Santa what you'd like for
Christmas. Save the flattery for the end of the letter so
Santa will remember it. Start your list with "please"
NOT "gimme". Letters from selfish kids go right
onto the "naughty, don't bother to answer" pile. (Hmmm, I wonder if that's
what happened to my Chrissy doll? No, I'm sure the 63 letters I've written
over the years were just lost in the mail.)
Next, tell him you've been good. Standard fare in a letter to the chubby guy.
You might want to mention your excellent grades, too. If you have a Masters, even better.
Mention any good behavior you've adopted throughout the year, such as giving up that cigarette during afternoon recess.
Remind Santa that you love him--nobody wants to give gifts to an ungrateful brat!
Then wrap it all up by mentioning his reindeer and Mrs. Claus. Oh, and mention snacks. It's clear from looking at him, that Santa enjoys his cookies...and pies...and cakes.
Here's my letter....
Please bring me a Chrissy doll for Christmas. I asked for one a few years back and I never got her:( (Santa does NOT have to know that "a few years" equals 41.)
I've been a very, very, very good girl this year. (Everybody exaggerates. Santa expects it.)
I heart you, Santa. (Make your fake flattery as sincere sounding as possible.)
Merry Christmas, and say "hello" to Mrs. Claus and your reindeer for me. (Santa loves those doggone deer, so make sure you mention them!) I donated all the money from my whiskey fund to a wild life preserve for reindeer, Santa! (Who even knows if there is such a thing, but all the world loves a philanthropist.)
I will leave milk and cookies for you on Christmas Eve. (Leave out a big plate of milk and cookies, a bottle of Glucophage pills for Santa and hope for the best, kid.)
Monday, November 23, 2009
You can call in and record a good night msg to your sweetie, friend, relative, whatevah.
Tonight some guy called in and said, "I'd like to send out a nighty night to my gf Cindy. We've been dating for two months now and we're still going strong."
I have a good feeling about these two. I think they're gonna make it!
Ok, let me wipe the sarcasm off of my keyboard before the laptop shorts out, and git my ass to bed. But before I do, I'd like to send a nighty night out to my husband. " I ate all the bologna so there's nothing for you to take in your lunch tomorrow. Nighty night!!"
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The song was "Baby, I Love You," and I knew he was singing that straight to me, which is why I immediately broke off my engagement to Donny Osmond, put my relationship with Bobby Sherman on hold and began showering Andy Kim with all my love.
In my defense, when I loved Andy, he looked like this....
NOT when he looked like Dog, the Bounty Hunter's younger brother...
But alas, long distance relationships never work out, so I had to let Andy go and I made a beeline back to Bobby Sherman, who by the way, is now a deputy for the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department. WHY DID I LET HIM GET AWAY?!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
They think I embarrassed them in front of their friends because I gave everyone chili for Halloween. Hey, it was a cold night and I thought it would warm them. Why am I wrong for wanting to warm the bodies of little children as well as nourish their souls?! Besides chili beats out stupid nickels and pencils any day!
Sure in hindsight it would have been better if I put the chili in some sort of container first, but ladling it right into their treat bags was much more cost effective.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Unreal. To say that having a bowl of cereal fulfills your need for folic acid and B12 is CRAZY considering all the garbage that's in the cereal along with the SMALL AMOUNTS of vitamins. IMO, the bad totally outweighs the good.
But I'm sure they'll come out with a new prescription pill that replaces these supplements...
Monday, November 16, 2009
When Oprah asked Palin why she left office, she said something along the lines of she left office so she could better effect change for the people of Alaska.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that why one goes INto office? And wouldn't she be more influential with the title of governor in front of her name?
One thing that struck me as amazingly strange is when Palin found out her child was going to be born with Down's Syndrome. Oprah asked her how she broke the news to Todd and she said, "It was about three weeks before I could tell him face to face. Before he got off the slopes and we were together." You wait THREE WEEKS to tell your husband news like this?! Unreal. Knowing first hand how much having a child with Down's changes the entire family, I would have thought this was something you'd pick up the phone and arrange to tell him immediately.
Does she have to stand with her side kick and lean against a plastic podium between the two of them and make chit chat for seven minutes? I watched a half hour of this hour long show and that was more than enough.
I mean, what is it exactly? Is it an interview show or her doing her stand up with "bits" tossed in?
I know one thing it wasn't: funny.
I like Wanda but the entire thing was uncomfortable to watch. And from her body language and facial expressions, it was every bit as uncomfortable to do.
I have one word for the show's executive producers: overhaul!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I BOUGHT songs on Napster last year, and now when I try to play them, I keep getting this "media usage rights acquisition" message. All I can listen to is 30 seconds of each song and when I ask for the full MP3, it brings up a page for my credit card. Ya know, I paid for those songs, so I should be able to play them anywhere, any time and I shouldn't have to piss with Napster software or licensing to do it. Now I'm reading about other people who keep getting msgs to renew their song license info on Napster.
They're not getting another dime of my money.
I have no problem with songs I've purchased on Amazon. It's faster and easier and I plan to stick with them.
I am enjoying a nice, relaxing Sunday. I had a great walk. The weather is gorgeous and I had my MP3 player all loaded up with new rockin' tunes. Flo Rida's Right Round is an EXCELLENT song to walk to if you're looking for a fast pace. Michael Franti's "Say Hey" and Sean Kingston's "Fire Burning" are also good songs to get you moving.
At this point in time--third quarter--I can tell the Steelers aren't doing as well as Mr. G thinks they should because of all the swearing coming from the living room.
I'm waiting on the arrival of two books. I was hoping at least one of them would be here in time for the weekend, but it didn't happen.
I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about Thanksgiving. Do I cook again or go to Ryan's? On one hand, I have no clean up. On the other hand, I have no left overs. I always make my own pumpkin pies anyway, and I think I'm leaning towards cooking. Mr. G takes the offspring to a free lunch for po' people and that gets them out of my hair. I mean, that insures they have a hot meal in their little bellies. That also insures they're still full at supper time and I can enjoy the lion's share of the pumpkin pie and Cool Whip. I spent a lot of money last year shopping for the holiday, but most of that was for spices. I still have them, so I'd basically have to buy the turkey, bread for stuff, celery, onions, pumpkin and canned milk. The rest I have. It will cost us about $40 to eat out, so I'm not sure what I want to do.
And how is your day going?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
There are fourteen strips in the box and every day for the last twelve days, I've gone up to him, flashed a smile and he's said, "Getting whiter, honey."
To toy with him, one day I flashed my smile BEFORE I put the strip on and he said, "Getting whiter, honey."
So now I just go up to him at random times during the day and flash my smile, and I get the same reaction each time.
I'm going to be soooo sorry to finish this box.
NOT MY CAPT'N CRUNCH!!!! If it had to be Captain Crunch, couldn't it be the crappy peanut butter one?! And my Golden Grahams....whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!----------
According to Cereal FACTS (Food Advertising to Children and Teens Score), which was developed based on the best available science, in consultation with a steering committee of experts in nutrition, marketing, and public health, the 10 worst breakfast cereals based on nutrition score are:
- Kellogg - Corn Pops (or Pops) - Chocolate Peanut Butter
- Quaker - Cap'n Crunch - w/ Crunchberries
- Kellogg - Special K - Chocolatey Delight
- Kellogg - Special K - Blueberry
- General Mills - Reese's Puffs
- General Mills - Fiber One - Caramel Delight
- Kellogg - Cocoa Krispies - Choconilla
- General Mills - Golden Grahams
- General Mills - Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- Kellogg - Corn Pops
From Mercola. com
Stripper Nicole Forrester, who claimed a recent encounter with Fergie's husband, Josh Duhamel, said of the incident, "I thought, 'Nobody's gonna find out. It's not gonna hurt anybody," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't think of it like I think of it now."
Pssst, Nicole, here's a heads up, honey: if you don't want anyone to find out or get hurt, keep your big yap shut, and most importantly, don't sell your story to the National Enquirer.
It's sad that she didn't consider the impact on her kids before selling the story.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Chris Brown said of Rhianna's interviews: "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us."
Well, of course, the all of the details should remain a private matter. When you beat the shit out of someone and get caught, you don't want everyone to know what a TOTAL douche bag you are.
Some things are better left unsaid. You know....better for YOU.
I said, "Honey, how can he cut down a tree when no one is home to let him in to use the electricity?"
My husband said, "What does he need electricity for?"
I said, "Where is he doing to plug in his chain sa---oh, shit, never mind."
Mr. G goes, "Honey, how many horror films have you seen where the guy is going to chainsaw someone and he's dragging an extension cord behind him? There's a reason for that."
Ok, granted, not many BUT it would make a great plot twist if the cord yanked out of the wall right as he was getting ready to slice and dice!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remember when I stayed at South's way back when he wasn't particular, and I had my sweet lil pig Lassie? I loved that little pig and I miss him so much. Every time I go to Denny's and have a Grand Slam, I think of him. Lassie, not South.
Well, Mr. G didn't want a pig because he felt it would be too big and sloppy. A pig big and sloppy? Get real. He also felt he wouldn't fit in well at the trailer court. Puhleeze. He'd be right at home.
I already have her name picked out: Piggy Sue. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
They're the one "news" network that would work the stripper angle in a story about a man who gunned down fellow soldiers on an army base. Sounds like the sort of bullshit the National Enquirer would publish.
Worse yet, was the stripper's quote, "I just can't believe he's the one who killed all those people....he was a really good tipper." So what have we learned today, kids? You CAN be a murderer AND a good tipper! *GASP*
FOX--The Fort Hood Army Base shooting suspect was a recent and frequent customer at a strip club located near the base reported FoxNews.com. Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan visited the Starz strip club at least three times in the past month, according to an employee.
"The last time he was here, I remember checking his military ID at the door, and he paid his $15 cover and stayed for six or seven hours," Matthew Jones, the club's general manager, said.
Hasan is accused of opening fire at a readiness center at Fort Hood last Thursday, killing 13 and wounding 29. He was shot by a civilian police officer and is in critical but stable condition at a Texas hospital. Hasan has been described as a devout Muslim, who was depressed about his upcoming deployment to Afghanistan.
Club employees told FoxNews.com that Hasan sat at a table in the back corner of the club, to the left of the stage on which strippers dance around a pole. One dancer recounted that Hasan bought lap dances from her in a private room on Oct. 29 and Oct. 30.
"I remembered his face because it was the first lap dance I [gave] to a customer while working here," said dancer Jennifer Jenner. "When I saw his face [Friday] on TV, I jumped out of bed, I knew it was him."
Jenner also said that Hasan had told her that he liked to visit the Starz strip club in particular because no one he worked with was in the club.
"I just can't believe that he's the one who killed all those people," said Jenner. "You know, he tipped every girl as she came off the stage after her dance. He was a really good tipper."
Army investigators working to find out more about Hasan and his past will interview people at the club.
The Los Angeles Times reported that authorities are scouring "voluminous" hard drives, multiple e-mail accounts and website trails "to see what's out there, and to see what it all means," according to an official. "There's a lot of work being done."
Authorities are looking into Hasan's association with a mosque, the Dar al Hijrah Islamic Center, in Falls Church, Va. Hasan's family held his mother's funeral at the mosque, which has been linked to two of the Sept. 11 hijackers, reported The Associated Press.
Hasan also recently was involved in a spat with another Fort Hood soldier residing in his apartment complex, apparently related to his Muslim beliefs, according to The Associated Press. John Van de Walker, allegedly keyed Hasan's car and also removed and tore up a bumper sticker that read "Allah is Love." Van de Walker, 30, was arrested on Oct. 21 and charged with criminal mischief."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Across the street was a billboard for a local hospital with some info about angina.
The one kid said to the other, "If we had some spray paint we could climb up there, add a "v" and that would make it "vagina".
Nooot from where I'm sitting.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Jay sent this pic of ***SHUDDER*** the (not so) Brave Little Toaster.
When I used to babysit, the kids I watched were addicted to this stupid movie and we watched it over and over and over until I wanted to hurl myself out their trailer winder. Since it was only one story high, and more likely that I would fall through their broken floor boards, that move seemed rather futile. Try as I may, I could not get those little bast--beloved children--to stop watching this sick flick. No amount of screaming, "THAT IDIOTIC TOASTER IS CO-DEPENDENT!! DON'T YOU GET IT??!!" got through to them.
This movie has caused me irreversible psychological damage, to the point where I absolutely REFUSE to walk through the small appliance section of any store.
After much therapy, I have totally managed to block this hideous movie from my mind. Well, except when I have toast in the morning.
They tell you what the song is really all about--some are actual true stories and some are just guesses by posters--and even include a YouTube vid of the song on the same page.
I immediately had to look up all the meanings to my favorite Stevie Nicks songs. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, "I love Stevie, but her shit don't make no sense." It was hilarious to see the videos of Stevie with all her 80's big hair.
From there it was interesting to read that "Don't Come Around Here No More" was written by Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics after he and Stevie had a one nighter. She booted him out the next morning...LOL!
I was also shocked to read that lots of people think "Every Move You Make" by The Police is a LOVE SONG! Are you kidding me?! It has "stalker" written all over it so I'm going to assume it's the stalkers who find it so romantic.
Ok, I'm off to look up some Tori Amos stuff cuz her shit don't make no sense neither.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
When you're watching them, the water is about waist high so they swim right up against the glass in front of you.
On one such glide by, the otter knocked on the glass as he passed, as if to say, "HEY! Look at me!".....and he was holding his erect penis for all the world to see.
I couldn't get a shot of it because I was laughing too hard, but trust me, I tried!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
I try to be a hip Mom, I try to be a happenin' Mom and yet the offspring were thoroughly embarrassed by me when we were at WalMart, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
I was looking for a song, didn't know who sang it, so I started singing it to the male clerk. "From the top of the pole, I watch her go down. She got me throwin' my money around, ain't nothing more beautiful to be found, it's goin' down, down..."
Was it my fault he joined in? Was it my fault the song stuck in my head and I sang it all throughout the store.
Oh, it was Flo Rida's "Right Round".....and why did it take me so long to realize that Flo Rida = Florida?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
It was almost comical when he called me at 12:45 a.m. Monday morning and asked me if I wanted to swing by and pick up my sweet lil laptop.
Comical if I hadn't actually been considering pulling on a coat over my jammies and going.
Anywho, I had most of my files, thanks to Stacey's column on backing up your files and my ClickFree. Too bad my Gateway restore CD wasn't as reliable.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I just finished watching Monsters Vs. Aliens, and while the "fighting aliens" part became tedious at times, it was a really cute movie. One that adults will probably enjoy as well as the kids. Although, I wouldn't take really small kids because some of those alien machines could be scary to a child. (I know I was a little weepy at times.)
Colbert, playing the President of the United States, had some funny lines, including:"I'm not gonna go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end!" In the middle of a strategy meeting, he became frustrated and stood up and walked to the wall.
The President: "Oh, what's the point? It's a disaster."
[Goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it!"]
Advisors: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
The President: Then which button gets me a latte?
Advisor: That would be the other one, sir.
[Points to an identical button next to the first one; The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
The President: What idiot designed this thing?
Advisor Wilson: You did, sir.
The President: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
Wilson: Right away, sir.
Seth Rogan's character as a gelatinous blob was hilarious and perfectly suited for him, right down to his laugh. He had some funny lines, too. He hit on a plate of lime jello then said, "I think that jello gave me a fake phone number." At another point, "I may not have a brain, but I have an idea." His break up scene with Derek was especially funny.
And now that I rented Monsters VS. Aliens, I see that it's on tv next week for Halloween. Dang. Catch it if you can.
On another cat note, I was getting out of the car this morning and a woman walked by the house and asked me if I had seen her cat. She was offering a $100 reward. I asked her to describe the cat, and she said, "He's orange."
Well, that narrows it down.....to about a million cats.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
OMG. Jane Fonda's character was SO IRRITATING. "Do you love me?" "Don't you just love our apartment? Oh, you hate it, don't you? Tell me you love it!" "Did you miss me?" "Do you need me?" "I HATE YOU! I WANT A DIVORCE!" All in a matter of about three days in their new apartment.
She married Redford a lawyer, then a few weeks in to their marriage it suddenly dawns on her that he's a stuffed shirt because I'm sure he was acting soooo carefree before they got married.
The male offspring were discussing this year's Halloween costumes. Even though half of them are too old to trick or treat, that doesn't stop them from dressing up and trying to exhort candy from senior citizens too weak or blind to defend themselves.
Male Offspring #5 said he was going to go as Male Offspring #6. I'm like, "Why in the WORLD would you go as your brother?"
And Male Offspring #5 said, "Mom! Identity theft is all the rage!"
This year I'm going trick or treating as a mother of several kids, who is prone to fits of depression and anger and hopelessness and who drinks. Excessively. And is not above smoking some maryjuauna. You know, I'll go as myself, a drama queen.
What self-respecting parent would get a small child to lie like that on national television?! Seasoned parents know the good liars are the teenagers. Little kids crack under pressure, but teens are like hardened criminals. They lie and lie and continue to lie even under the face of mounting evidence!
Learn a lesson, stupid attention whoring parents!
One person did point out that there's no way that balloon would have held the weight of a small child, even one Falcon's size. Oh, yeah, and who names their kid "Falcon"?!
In honor of this fiasco, I give you......
Saturday, October 17, 2009
He was telling me that when he was in his teens, he and his friends would go to the news stand and read dirty magazines. Don't forget this was before they shrink wrapped those suckers. (The magazines, not the horny boys.)
Anywho, I said, "Why would they let you READ the magazines there? Don't they know no one will buy them if they can read them for free?"
He said, "Maybe that's why they went out of business, Honey."
Friday, October 16, 2009
My crazy goose loving aunt dropped in on me unexpectedly and asked me why I didn't have the geese on the front porch dressed in their Hallerween outfits.
I couldn't exactly tell her the truth: "Because they're stupid and I HATE THEM!!!"
So I told her I couldn't choose between the Frankengoose outfits or the pumpkingoose outfits, so I didn't put them out.
Well, this morning, I found a new pair of geese on the front porch....sigh.
Thanks for solving that problem, Aunt Crazy Pants...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Police said a person believed to be a man disguised as a woman in a black dress tried to steal a bottle of rum and cola drinks from a local drug store. The store's loss prevention officer unsuccessfully tried to stop the person, who is described as about 20 years old, 6-foot-3-inches tall and weighing 300 pounds.
Police said the person handed the rum back to the store employee, threw the drinks on the ground and fled after trying to bite the employee when the worker tried to restrain him.
I think comedy is her forte, so I was happy about the fact that she was getting her own show. Yes, away from the yapping mouths of The View and tough questions like, "Is the world flat?"
So I tuned in. Apparently Shari dumped a cheating ex and this show reflects her 'real life'.. I made it all the way up until Shari said, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw a white girl, we're done."
Immediately I thought, "OH. It's going to be one of THOSE shows, where the "humor" is based on race, instead of the differences between men and women. Where black people put down white people and it's perfectly acceptable to do so."
I expected so much more from her. Thank God for the "off" button.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
He knows that I've been working really hard to lose weight lately. (When I say, "working really hard" I mean "thinking about working really hard while I sit on the couch & watch TV".)
This morning when I woke up I found these on the refrigerator...
They have such inspiring phrases as, "Put down that candy or My daddy will damn you for all eternity!!" Ok, not really, but they should. Instead they have sayings like, "Your body is a temple. Fill it with salad," and "Fat jeans or skinny jeans? You decide." Could they be any more unholy?
While the magnets are quite lame, it beats the Christmas gift he gave me last year....Wash Away Your Sins lip balm. Yes, there really IS such a thing, and it hasn't washed away a damn thing in my life. Although my lips are sinfully soft.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Mr. G and I are planning to make a trip to the Pburgh Zoo next month, so I hopped online to make sure it would be open and to make sure there weren't any "special events" planned on the day we were thinking of going. You know, like "Bring your colicky baby to the zoo for free day"....
The main page of the zoo website shows this really cool polar bear exhibit that I'm anxious to see. It's been at least 15 years since we were there last, and we're all big animal lovers so it should be a blast.
What had me chuckling was the description of the African Savanna exhibit. It said it was the "next best thing to visiting Africa." Yeah, I always think that very thing when I visit Pittsburgh....
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Man wins lottery prize during embezzlement caseA former Kansas radio executive who admitted that he embezzled to support an addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets won a $96,000 lottery prize.
Prosecutors say the prize money will go toward paying restitution to Paul W. Lyle's former employer, American Media Investments.
Lyle pleaded guilty Thursday to felony theft for embezzling an estimated $88,000 from American Media.
It was during his preliminary hearing Sept. 21 that Lyle was notified he had won a prize in a second-chance lottery drawing. The prize includes a boat, cash and tickets to a NASCAR race at the Kansas Speedway.
Lyle will be sentenced Nov. 30.
His conviction carries a sentencing range of five to 17 months in jail or prison. But prosecutors say Lyle likely will get probation because he has no previous felony convictions.
I was VERY disappointed in the Pam & Jim's wedding on The Office.
First of all, I don't think they should have married during the season. Their relationship is one of the things that keeps viewers tuning in. They should have made it a cliffhanger. End it at the part where she ripped her veil and have her say something overly dramatic like, "I can't do this, Jim." Then come back next season and show them running off to get pre-married at Niagara Falls.
Secondly, that whole dancing down the aisle thing? UGH. That was so YouTube three or four months ago. Booooring.
Andy tore his scrotum and Pam had to drive him to the hospital? Who cares? Dumb. IMNSHO, Ed Helms adds absolutely nothing to that show.
I guess the biggest problem with the show is that there was nothing new or exciting. The only sweet part was Jim's toast. The rest was just a hum drum.
They flirted with Pam's mother and Michael hooking up but never followed through. Now THAT would have made things interesting around The Office.
Ok, I have to correct myself on one thing: there was one part of the show that I thought was sweet and funny, but hardly original. When Pam told Jim they should take mental pictures of moments they wanted to remember. Jim snapped a picture of Pam then said it didn't come out right and she said, "Aww, you should have hired a professional to take your mental pictures."
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A few minutes later, the toilet overflowed and took the matter right out of my hands.
And why did I just draw a total blank on how to spell "minutes"? I HATE when that happens.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Just yesterday the doctor said the swine flu is no worse than the seasonal flu, yet this idiot, so-called Secretary of "Health" is lifting all the restrictions on mercury in the swine flu vaccine. And the frightening thing is the shots will be going to the most vulnerable, pregnant women and children under three.
Now the CDC has drafted a quarantine order that says people can be quarantined even if they show no signs of being sick! "Anyone who is suspected to be exposed or is reasonably suspected to be exposed to the H1N1 virus can be quarantined." Unreal.
Amazing what a little fear mongering will do.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Take this paragraph from the aforementioned pissing off article:
"If you eliminate $100 of wasteful spending per month and instead channel that cash to an investment vehicle that yields an annual interest rate of 10%, that translates to more than $75,000 over 20 years, and more than $500,000 over the course of 40 years."
WHO is paying ten percent interest these days, especially on a lousy hundred dollars? Oooo that's right: noooooobody.
Hey, I have an even better idea. Put that $100 into "an investment vehicle" that yields an annual interest of 50% and you'll be able to retire rich five times quicker!
The really funny thing is that included with this article is a chart showing the interest rates of different "investment vehicles" and unless I'm blind, I'm not seeing any ten percenters. ONE percent is more the norm.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
He put his arm around me and snuggled me next to him and said, "All is well when we're in bed together, woman."
I said, "Yeah, the trouble starts when we get up."
Thursday, October 01, 2009
They've cut human services, such as help for elder care, but it seems they have a more needy cause: the Pittsburgh Penguins.
They've already agreed to give $40 million to the team to cover some of the costs of constructing the freaking $325 million dollar arena, and now they're going to float them an additional $5 million for a bond bailout.
Oh, well, what would the elderly have used that sort of money for anyway? Heating? Bathing assistance? Caregivers? Clearly it would have been wasted on frivolous garbage.
Soooo much better that the Pens have it. I would LOVE to know how much of that $325 million dollar price tag was paid for by the TEAM OWNERS.
That's just selfish. It's not our place to push our hobbies onto our kids in the form of their name. What if this kid grows up to hate baseball?
Hey, I love sex, but I have the common sense not to name any of my kids "Screaming O".
Although I did name one of my kids "Angel Soft" and another one, "Massengill".
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Feces-covered nude man jumps into man's pool
A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report shows 21-year-old Robert Stark Higgins was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft.
The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities said Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking.
He was being held at the Martin County Jail on $10,500 bail. Jail officials said he did not immediately have an attorney.