Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
I noticed NO ONE complained about the fact that her body is photoshopped so skinny that it makes her head look huge....
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Gotta say, I love George Michael.
I figured David Cook would win, and I thought it was really sweet that, at the very end, the camera caught his brother saying, "That's my brother" with obvious pride.
1. What is your current relationship status?
2. What is your current mood?
3. What is your favorite band/singer?
4. What is your favorite movie?
5. What kind of pets do you have?
6. Where do you live?
7. Where do you work?
8. Who do you look like?
9. What do you drive?
10. What did you do on Saturday?
11. What did you do on Sunday?.
12. What is your favorite network TV Show?
13. Describe Yourself.
14. What is your favorite candy?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thanks, Stacey. It's fixed now;)
Because I love to laugh more than anything--ok, there's something I enjoy more than laughing, but let's face it, there are enough pages on the internet dedicated to that--in honor of my birthday, I'm having a LAUGHAPALOOZA BIRTHDAY!!
Feel free to leave a joke in return, if you'd like:)
"If you're lost and you have a map, people are inclined to help. But I find that it's a different story if you have a globe. 'Hi, could you tell me where the mall is'?"
“To me, swimming is a confusing sport. Because sometimes you do it for fun and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming sometimes I don’t know which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants: uh-oh.”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas. Because the pinata promotes violence towards flamboyant animals. ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizazz. Let’s kick his ass’. What I'm saying is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake I made."
“One time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I recently attended a dysfunctional family reunion. That’s where you’re asked to bring a casserole and an unresolved issue.”
Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, “I want you to be my mistress.”
“What’s a ‘mistress’?” my eight year old granddaughter yelled out.
Just then the man gave the woman a passionate kiss.
“Never mind,” my granddaughter said.
Conan O’Brien, addressing his alma mater’s class of 2000: “The last time I was invited to Harvard, it cost me $110k.”
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife, “I want to take all my money with me,” he tells her. “So promise me you’ll put it in the casket.”
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the casket, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror.
“Surely, you didn’t put the money in there?”
“I did promise him I would,” the window answers. “So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it.”
“Where is everybody?” the cowpoke asks.
“They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang,” says a bystander.
“Why do they call him that?” the cowboy asks.
“Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers.”
“Really?” says the cowboy. “And what are they hanging him for?”
My wife complains that her clothes are so old, they were all made in the United States**
LOVE this one:
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Where have you been all my life?”
“Well,” she says, “for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”
Scene: the bookstore where I work.
Dramatis personae: a father and a son
Son: “Dad, does it really tell you how?”
Father: “How to what, son?”
Son: “How to kill a mockingbird.”
Love this one, too.
During a church meeting on family, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our mortal existence, will we say, ‘I wish I’d spend more time on the job’?” he persisted, “Has anyone ever wondered that?”
“Yes,” said one man. “Right after I got fired.
It took five years of post grad work, but I finally fulfilled my dream of becoming an archaeologist. My first job was a museum supervising a dig in a nearby town. As we worked under the hot sun, I noticed a woman and her son peering down at us.
Seeing me in the hole, covered in mud with a pickax in hand, the mother told her son, “See what happens when you don’t finish school? You end up like him.”
Our family took hours to set up camp on a recent outing. But the couple and three kids who pulled up next to us did it in mere minutes.
“How did you manage that?” I asked the father.
“I have a system,” he said. “No one goes the bathroom until everything is set up.”
My mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look---death row.”
So there I was, tearing my hair out trying to sign up for an online basketball pool. I offered terms like Hoops and Hangtime, only to be told, “That user ID is taken. Please select another.”
I realized I wasn’t the only frustrated one when I saw my last two entries were also taken: ForPetessake and ThisIsInsane.
Satan is seated at his computer working on his “Beezleblog”. His entries?
Monday: Today was Hell
Tuesday: Today was Hell
Wednesday: Today was Hell
Thursday: Today was Hell
Friday: Today was Hell
Another really funny one
Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”
“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job,” Tom asks indignantly.
“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”
“Whoa, how can that be?”
“For problem #46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know’. You wrote, ‘Me neither’.”
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. “You’re going to meet a beautiful young girl, and she will want to know everything about you.”
“That’s great!” says the excited frog, “When will I meet her?”
“Next semester,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
When I was a young Navy recruiter, there was a lot of friendly rivalry among the recruiters from the Navy, Marines, and Air Force. We even had a contest the recruiter who had to deal with the most unqualified applicant. The winner had to buy drinks.
One day, I saw a heavyset middle aged woman walk into the Marine Corps office. Definitely not recruit material. After she left, I gleefully told the staff sergeant that drinks were on him.
He looked at me for a moment, then said, “That was my wife.”
Monday, May 19, 2008
I was watching TV Sunday afternoon and saw an infomercial for the Taser C2, a personal taser. Is it REALLY a good idea for general public to be able to buy tasers OTC? What can protect you can also be used against you. How long before people are using these to rob and rape? And how long before cops are getting tased as they try take a suspect out of the car? They talk about the taser shooting some sort of identifying tag that will help law enforcement track down where the taser was sold, but that doesn’t help you, once it’s been used on you. If we’ve learned anything about guns we know that they can never wind up in the wrong hands once they're licensed. *insert eyeroll here* I know I’d feel a lot more comfortable using a taser than I would a gun, because if you make a mistake with a gun, well, T.S. Tasers allow for “do overs”. Guns don’t. BTW, using John Bunnell as their infomercial spokesman wasn’t the smartest idea. His facial expressions consist of the “I haven’t had a bowel movement in five days” grimace and the scary smile.
I love that commercial for the last show of CSI’s season. It shows David Caruso’s character lying on the tarmac and the voice over dude says, “If you’re Horatio Caine, someone wants you dead.” David Caruso’s old acting coach, perhaps? ASSuming he ever took lessons.
I watched "An Unfinished Life" starring Robert Redford, J Lo and Morgan Freeman Sunday. It was a pretty good movie, and I didn't realize that the bear in the movie, Bart, was an almost full grown bear that I had seen on the Discovery channel as a cub. He was rescued by a couple that raised other bears, including Honey Bump. What a great name.
When I last saw Bart, he was a cuddly little cub. Now he's over 250 pounds. It was amazing to watch Bart and his own play on the ground. He treated Bart no differently than someone would treat a dog. They were rolling around and playing and all the while all I could see were those HUGE claws near the guy's face. Didn't bother him a bit. I remember from the show that he and his wife would often pack up a lunch and take the cubs up on the mountain for a romp.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The vignettes go something like this: "Heidi just graduated from high school and is looking forward to cooking school. Before she buckles down to the books, she would love to experience some culinary delights.... IN PARIS, FRANCE!! But she doesn't know much French, so she decides to take a language course...ON HER BRAND NEW LAPTOP COMPUTER!!! While she's cruising the internet, Heidi buys some luggage for her trip, then realizes she's going to need...A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE!!! Hopefully Heidi won't spend all her tuition money in France or she'll be living in...HER PARENT'S BRAND NEW BASEMENT!!" Oy.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Good news, kids. I've decided to resurrect Goddess' Book Club. (If Oprah can do it, I can do it.) This month's selection will be "Once Upon a Potty." Don't be fooled by the title. I've read it many times. It's riveting. Read it, take copious notes and we'll chat about it.
I love the fact that Billy Blanks brings spirituality into his workouts. A whole lot of praying is usually how I manage to finish the workout in the first place.
You'll never guess what I was craving yesterday. Minds out of the gutter, it's food related. I was DYING for some Chicken Ramen Noodles. Yeah, the stuff college kids live off of. But hey, if your fridge is as empty as mine, you'd be craving 'em too. I can't seem to process pasta well, so I don't eat it much, but I crave it. I make the noodles like soup, then drain off all that offensive, salty chicken broth and eat the noodles plain. Love it, love it, love it.
My 3 1/2 days off are over and it's back to work today. I feel like I didn't accomplish much of anything. Most of it was waiting for the oil guy to come,waiting for the fridge to be delivered and waiting to get my car back from inspection. Although I will admit when I don't get home till 6 every evening and when I have to work every weekend, I cherish the days I don't have to go ANYWHERE. I wouldn't have minded being home one bit these last few days if I had had a good book to read.
I was watching a show about a prison for women in Tennessee. They interviewed this one inmate who kidnapped, then tortured and murdered a "friend". PMS'ing a bit, I guess.
Anyway, she says, "Do I feel bad about what happened? Hey, we all have to die sometime."
Nice of her to decide when that time was for someone else.
Then she said, "Do I wish she were alive? Then I wouldn't be here." Again, loads of remorse there, huh? Female prisoners are so odd though. I've seen several shows on them now and it's not the least bit unusual for one to try to kill another one and then become best friends. Gotta say if someone tried to kill me, I don't think I'd be welcoming them into my home. I can only take the idea of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer" so far.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
<-- This is the first book I ever bought with my allowance. My mother's sister is a nun and when we visited her at the nun factory, next to the chapel they had a small gift shop. I remember being disappointed that they didn't have one with a little girl on the cover.
I read it so much it was falling apart. Another book that I read over and over when I was little was Little Black Sambo. I was fascinated by the picture of the tiger turning into butter and I used to stare and stare at it, amazed that big cats could turn into bread spread:) I'm disappointed that I can't find LBS.
This is the last page of the book...
"The stars come out,
The moon shines down.
And off I go to bed.
Thank you, Lord, for this good day.
You gave it to me.
And I offered it all to You.
Good night, dear Lord.
Please watch over me while I sleep."
<---Our new baby. She's 18.2 cubic feet, and from the front, she really resembles the General Electrics in the family. She's taller than our last baby, but not as wide. Maybe this is a Mom's pride talking, but she's VERY cool.
<--I transferred the contents of the old fridge to the new..in about three seconds. No wonder it SEEMS like we don't have anything to eat......
Guess I could rustle up some eggs scrambled in coconut oil and slapped onto Ezekiel Whole Grain Bread.
A federal judge has ordered Tyson Foods to withdraw advertisements claiming its chickens are “raised without antibiotics that impact antibiotic resistance in humans.”
Two competitors said the ads were untrue because Tyson injects it eggs with antibiotics and used antibiotic molecules in its feed.
Tyson maintained that its claim was truthful, and intends to appeal the decision.
“The claim we’re making is ‘raised without.’ And our consumer research would say that ‘raised without’ in the consumer’s mind, is from hatchery to when they buy the chicken in the store,” said Dave Hogberg, senior vice president for consumer products at Tyson.
As Grandpa used to stay, "Stop trying to baffle people with your bullshit."
I am not a shoe whore, but I LOVE THESE SHOES!!! They look like little S&M chambers for your feet.
Ooooh, snap! I can only imagine the fear those parents were feeling when they realized their child was missing.
Awww, come on! Now it's the PARENT'S fault that their kids are stupid and lazy?
Boobs and electronics. Find a way to add beer, and it doesn't get any better than this for some guys. This is my favorite line, "But it does send the message of how lingerie could possibly save the planet..." Might explain why my undies are always moist. They're little hydroelectric dams!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Oh aint life wonderful
When everything is right
But sometimes wonderful
Can fall apart sometimes
When your troubles knock you down
Pick yourself up off the ground and
Nothing ever stays wrong that long
Oh walk on
Dont just stand there in the storm
Walk toward the light till you find the sun
And youll be better off in the long run
And walk on
Oh its a heartache when love comes to an end
But even though your heart breaks
You know its gonna mend
Keep the faith right through goodbye
And dont you ever break your stride
Repeat chorus x2
Ohhh walk on
Oh walk on
This is an Azeala bush I planted about three years ago. It's starting to come in really nicely now. An elderly neighbor used to have these in her yard, and I'd look up the street and see those beautiful bursts of pink, purple and white in her front yard, so I decided to plant some of my own.
This is a tiny Azalea bush Mr. G bought for me last year. When he gave it to me, he said, "We'll always have the memory of planting this together."
Yesterday when we were looking at it, I said, "Honey, did you give me this for Mother's Day or my birthday?"
He said, "I don't remember."
So much for that memory.
I do remember what happened WHILE we were planting it. Mr. G looked at me and said, "Years from now we'll remember this." (Again, apparently not if we can't remember one year later....)
Just then a voice from the front porch yelled, "Memories. That's what ya get when Dad doesn't buy you a real gift."
I don't remember this movie, but I don't think I'll be giving anything away since it's two years old.
The movie begins with the female lead blowing her dog. Of course, you don't see it, but you're shown enough to know what's going on and then she says, "I'm Amy and yeah, back in college, I blew my dog." I thought that was rather hilarious myself. Advance several years and Amy is engaged to John, and feeling the need to be "completely honest." A dumbass idea if EVER there was one. Her fellow teacher and her uptight mother--who thinks she's going to confess she wasn't a virgin when she met her fiance--encourages her to tell John the truth. She doesn't realize that her brother, a bitter meth addict is in the garage and he overhears her secret. He hates her because their parents dote on her and have made her their "golden girl".
Amy's fiance is stunned by her secret and can't accept it, despite the fact that he admitted to playing "shoot the cookie" in college. (If you've never heard of it, "shoot the cookie" is a game in which several guys jack off together onto a cookie and the last one to cum has to eat the cookie. Not the most fun game to play....blech....and probably a hell of a lot more fun to watch than to participate in.) In the meantime, brother dearest blabs the secret to the entire family over dinner. She admits it's true and her old fashioned, strict parents want nothing to do with her. If you get a chance to catch this flick, watch it.
The movie was really good and an shining example of why "being 100% honest," as John suggested in the movie is a BAD IDEA.
I couldn't get over how much the lead actress, Melinda Page Hamilton, looked like Renee Zellwiger when she was heavier.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I said, "No, I did not. I'm paying for a new and I want a new one."
He said, "Well, this one has only been on the floor a week."
Yeah, and I'm a virgin.
I repeated that I wanted a new fridge and he told me they'd try to have it delivered by Thursday. Damn well better be.
The reason I didn't go to Home Depot is because they told me that if I bought the fridge on Sunday, I wouldn't have it till Friday. Lowe's promised me next day delivery. Pffft. They both suck.
I did get my oil delivered. Cost me a mere $460 for 125 gallons.
I realized that between the fridge ($670) + the oil ($460) + 2 car inspections/emissions tests ($100), we've shelled out $1230 in four days.
This is a nest that a robin built under the eaves of my shed. She did a great job, huh?
Anywho, my clothes line is tied near this spot and every time I try to hang clothes, MotherBird flies out from under the eaves and scares the CRAP out of me.
Mr. G said, "I read she does that to distract you from the nest."
I said, "Maybe that would have worked one time, but after scaring the bejeebers out of me 25 times, I'm beginning to think she's up there for a REASON."
I took this pic right after she, once again, scared me and flew out of the nest. The reason I took it is because every time I walk near the shed, Mr. G tells me to 'get away from the nest', like I'm a five year old, who is dying to juggle the little blue eggs. I'm going to use this as my screensaver so when he uses the laptop, I can taunt him about the fact that I was "messing around the nest"...bwahahahha!
IRVING, N.Y. (AP) — Police say a tuxedo-clad western New York man was drunk when he took a riding lawn mower out for an early morning spin.
Chautauqua County Sheriff Joseph Gerace said deputies got a report of an intoxicated person at a home in Irving around 1 a.m. Monday. When they arrived, the man was spotted riding away on his mower.
Deputies who stopped the Irving resident charged him with felony driving while intoxicated and aggravated unlicensed operation.
They say the charge is a felony because the man had a previous DWI conviction.
We were lugging the stuff out and he pointed to an old dehumidifier and said, "What about this? I don't know if it has Freon in it or not." I know nothing about that sort of stuff, so I said, "Let's put it out and if they don't take it, we'll bring it back in." We carried it over the pile and tossed it on. (And when I say "tossed" I mean "carefully sat down" since the sucker weighed a ton.) We walked back to the shed, which is only a few hundred feet away, and I turned around to say something to him and a pickup pulled up to the pile. A guy got out, picked up the dehumidifier and drove away. We're both standing there, open mouthed. My husband, "Was he hanging around just waiting for us to toss out the dehumidifier or what?!" It was unbelievable. Then I MADE HIM throw out some of his beloved plastic buckets. (I don't even want to KNOW what this place is going to look like when I die. He hates to get rid of anything.) He got them from the bakery-- icing comes in big sealed plastic buckets if you want some on the cheap--and we didn't need them anymore. We must have thrown out about 60 of them because he had them stacked everywhere. (He doesn't know but I threw out some more when I got home from work this morning. And the angels sang.) This afternoon all but five are gone. Good riddance. I put out a White sewing machine that I never used. It was in good condition and in a really nice wooden stand. Somebody yanked the sewing machine out and left the stand. I'm guessing they're going to sell it for scrap metal.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Look what I found when we were digging for junk to toss: my VERY FIRST ALBUM!!! I loved the title--still do--and the cover concept. The couple was paying for the ticket on the front and entering the theater on the back, as seen here.
What was the first record/album/8 track/cassette/CD you ever bought? Do you still have it? And what motivated you to buy it?
Yesterday I murdered a rabbit on the way to work. I felt my tire go over it’s little body and I cringed, but not as much as I did when I saw him in my rear view mirror. Oy. Then I said a little prayer he was now hopping in Bunny Heaven. I won’t even go in to how it was his own damn fault since he darted across the street then stood in my lane staring at my osn coming car with that deer in the headlights look. I slowed down to give him time to mull the seriousness of the situation when suddenly he raced to the berm and I said, “Phew! Thank God you had the sense to--” and that was when he darted back onto the road and became the main ingredient in someone’s supper. (Ok, mine.) Murder is a dirty business…...but road kill rabbit is still cheaper than a pound of hamburger.
Why do people think they can say whatever they want without hurting someone's feelings? I was walking Holly and I passed some lady chain smoking on the sidewalk. Now did I mention to her the fact that she was losing lung capacity with every passing day? No. I felt it was NONE OF MY BUSINESS. As I pass, she says, "Wow. I thought my dog was chubby." Immediately I heard myself saying, "She has a thyroid problem," which we all know is the dog owner's excuse equivalent to cat owner's "that's not fat, that's fur" excuse. UGH. Anyway, poor LITTLE Holly's feelings were hurt. Well, they would have been had she not been so busy eating poop off the sidewalk.
There was a lady on an old ep of COPS last night and when the cop showed up there were two men on the scene. He said, “Who is that guy?” And she said, “My ex-husband.” Then he asked the other guy who he was and he said, “Her ex-husband.” The cop said, “How many times has she been married?” He said, “Seven. I married her three times.” But the funny thing is she wanted to keep the guys apart because she was engaged to the ex-husband in her car...LOL! Remarrying your ex over and over is like eating food, vomiting profusely then saying, “Wow! I've never been that sick...think I'll have another bowl!”
I put Tea Tree oil ointment on my arms last night and my boss’ cat kept arching it’s back and hissing at me. I’m guessing he didn’t like the lovely aroma it gives off.
I'm ready for the fridge to arrive today. And for my earl to be delivered. I ordered the earl and told them to deliver it in the afternoon so I could sleep in, making it an almost sure bet the fridge will arrive in the morning so I can't sleep in. We went with a GE this time. Two crappy Fridgidaires in a row is two too many. Both had gasket problems and both crapped out on us after just a couple years. Unbelievable. Our first fridge lasted about 22 years. Next one lasted three years, the one before this two and a half. Sucky. I knew when the freezer was running constantly and it looked like the North Pole when I opened it, yet the bottom was barely cool, the thermostat was going. This time I spent the $90 and bought insurance for five years. Normally, I don't because I know they can be rip-offs or not necessary, but he ASSured me it covered LABOR, too, so I went with it. Both previous fridges had gasket problems, as I said and it cost me close to $100 to have one put on between labor and part. Doggone thing wasn't put on properly anyway.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mr. G took me out for Mother's Day this morning. Cost him over $600. I'm sure we're all going to love the new refrigerator.
I can't wait till "weed eater Father's Day".
Thanks to that pre-dating thing on Blogger, I now find it's very difficult to cry and whine about having to write a post on this the most holiest of days, Mother's Day. The offspring were all like, "You're not conning us. Write it Saturday, pre-date and quit yer whining." Aww, there's nothing like the love of children to warm your heart. (And piss you off.)
The best thing about having 16 offspring is Mother's Day gifts!! And this year I skipped the cake--yes, you read that right--and went with the waffle bowl hot fudge sundae from DQ. The pounding earache caused by my lactose intolerance tells me how good it was.
The male offspring pooled their money and bought me a charm bracelet and each one of them bought me a charm. The charms included a pack of Marlboros, a can of Budweiser, a silver spittoon, two cans of Skool, a brown tooth, a marijuana leaf and a miniature bottle of Jack Daniels. Aww, they know the way to a woman’s heart.
Female Offspring #7 gave me several different fancy perfumes for Mother’s Day. [And when I say “fancy,“ I don’t necessarily mean “good smelling," just expensive. ] Apparently FO #7 has been going through magazines for months saving the rub on samples. I almost slit a major artery applying Donna Karan’s Cashmere Mist.
Female Offspring #1 said my Mother’s Day gift was the joy of being her mother. I don’t think so. I can’t spend joy, I can’t smoke joy and I certainly can’t drink joy. However, I can give joy, so I told her to expect a whooooole lot of joy for Christmas this year.
Female Offspring #2 bought me some black cohosh and evening primrose oil for “those pre-menopausal hot flashes and night sweats”. As frustrating as it is that she's making fun of something that's making me miserable, I take pride in the fact that I'm more mature and understanding. With age comes wisdom. I know that when FO #2 goes through it, I will be the first one to put my arms around her, hug her and say, "Who's laughing now, Smart Ass?"
Female Offspring #3 gave me a coupon for “A Week of Silence.” I said, “Does this mean you won’t be screaming at me every time something doesn’t go your way?”
She said, “No, this means you won’t be screaming at me every time something doesn’t go your way. You can rest your vocal cords for a whole week.”
Female Offspring #4 gave me beautiful flowers that she stole out of the neighbor’s yard. The tip-off was the “Welcome to Lurlene’s Garden” sign in the bouquet of tulips.
Female Offspring #5 gave me a subscription to "Unfit Mother's Magazine." Sorry, sweetie. They can't teach me anything I haven't already done...
Female Offspring #8 gave me a poopy diaper and a shirt full of projectile vomiting. Pretty much the same gift I get every day.
Female Offspring 6 told me I could use her motorized Barbie car for a week. Awwww, isn‘t the little bugger sweet? But if I got arrested for driving the Hoveround on the highway, what’s the chances I won't get arrested for driving her Barbie car on the highway? While it would save me a ton on gas, the last time I sat on it, I broke the struts. And various plastic parts, like the wheels, the seat and the entire body. Piece o'crap was probably made by the Kia Corporation. “Do not exceed 25 pound weight limit” MY ASS.
If that’s not an open invitation to sit on it, I don’t know what is!
Happy Mother's Day to all Moms!!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
Friday, May 09, 2008
Come the fark on already. I was reading Gmail and happened to catch this URL at the top, along with something like, "Find out who your dog is related to". You can test their doggie DNA to find out their ancestry. LOL! What are they going to send you? "Your dog Holly is related to Lassie #3, Rin Tin Tin #1 and scrawny mutt that snuck into the yard and knocked her mother up fifteen times." Test your doggie DNA?! Have we totally lost our minds? On the site, it says one of the things they'll tell you in the test is your dog's makeup. "Your dog's makeup of four ancestral breeds including the following ancestors: Wolf-like, Hunters, Herders, and Mastiff." As long as she doesn't pee on the floor, I could give a crap. They send you a kit with a consent form and you have to swab the dog's mouth, just like you would a humans. I have two problems with that: a. Holly would eat the swab and b. I just know damn well she'd refuse to sign the consent form.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Is it my imagination or did Cher sucker people into attending not one, but two tours by crying “farewell“? And now she’s having 200 shows in Vegas. Is it permissible to have a “farewell” tour when you have no plans of going away? What a clever rip off.
I watched the Eva Longoria flick “Over Her Dead Body”, and I thought it was pretty good. It was very well written, but I was not wild about Paul Rudd as the male lead. He had great chemistry with the female lead Lake Bell, though, and I thought it was a sweet, romantic comedy. I thought it was going to be the typical movie where she dies and comes back to haunt her ex's new love out of jealousy, but Longoria really thought her "job" was to save her ex from making a mistake by getting involved with Bell because she wasn't right for him. So it had a little bit of a twist.
I tried one of those Little Debbie S’Mores. On the package it said, “Real campfire not included.” In reality, it should have read, “Real marshmallow, real chocolate and good taste not included either.”
Gee, ya think?
I'm beginning to think that maybe All Free isn't exactly "free" either because when I did use it, I still couldn't get rid of this dermatitis. It was much, much better but it still didn't clear up completely. Hopefully getting away from soap all together will be good. I can't even use soap on my body because it burns like hell. Plus the soap dries the skin out, making it even itchiER. Ugh. I've tried EVERYTHING with my skin, so I think it best to eliminate the soap. Calomine lotion seems to be the only thing I can use that doesn't irritate the veins in my legs. I guess anything like cortisone is just too harsh.
Unfortunately the Soapberry seems to grow best in California, otherwise I'd plant my own doggone tree.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I had to take my boss to the doctor’s office yesterday. I HATE TAKING HER TO THE DOCTOR’S!!!
I’m always forced to sit next to someone who is either hacking their head off or vomiting from the flu. And it's a given I'll end up next to someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “personal boundaries”.
I sat beside one lady and it took her all of five seconds to lean over and say, “Why are you here?”
Like we’re in the Big House. "I'm here for the hottie guards....."
I said, “I brought someone to their appointment.”
She said, “Oh. I have a bad odor,” then her voice lowers to one of those “whispers” old people don’t realize everyone in the room is able to hear clearly as she adds, “down there. And a bad itch. I could scratch all day. ”
First of all, never tell anyone who is stuck sitting next to you that you have “a bad odor”. Eventually they’ll figure it out for themselves, and you remove the chance of them blaming it on someone else. Secondly, don’t about about the “down there” place to strangers EVER. Unless you write about it in your blog for millions to read and then it’s perfectly acceptable.
My mother called to tell me that a former classmate called and was looking for me. Apparently she’s getting married, wanted to invite me and didn’t know my married name. Seriously, should she be inviting me if she doesn't even know enough about me to know who I married?
My mother said, “She’s having one of those witch weddings!”
I said, “Do you mean Wiccan weddings?”
She’s like, “Same thing. It‘s all about Satan!”
I'm sure the Wiccans of the world will be thrilled to hear they're Satan worshipers.
I’ve never been to a Wiccan ceremony, but this is how my indoctrinated Catholic mind pictures it: Every one stands around in black with 666’s on their foreheads. At one point they all hold hands around a blazing fire and chant things like, “I accept Satan and all his worldly ways.” "We are Satan's sons and daughters." Then somebody slaughters a farm animal and the guys start sucking each other’s cocks. (Note to self: don’t write your posts when you’re horny.)
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Monday, May 05, 2008
I think, though, that I’m going to go with another desktop because I don’t want to pay $300 for insurance & service. With a desktop, I can take it to be repaired or even have a guy come to the house. Last time I did that, he didn’t charge me that much. But with a laptop, I’m almost forced to buy a service contract. Staples also had a desktop for only $429 and that actually included the damn monitor. So many Gateway offers don’t include a monitor. This has a 320 gig hdd and 1 gig memory with a 17”monitor. That’s not too bad, but I’m going to check Gateway because I really like their products.
ABC SUCKS!!! Other than COPS, there aren’t many tv shows I watch on a consistent basis. Over the last couple of years, I’ve picked up two shows that I DO watch regularly: Men In Trees (last year) and Eli Stone (this year). ABC fucked around with the scheduling of MIT and twice they yanked it without warning for several months. This morning Alex sent me an email giving me the good news: ABC is canceling MIT. THIS after they finally began running it consistently for several weeks in a row. Thanks, ABC, YOU BLOW.
Overtime Hawg left her National Enquirer at work, so I was reading it this afternoon. Apparently Star Jones and her husband Allegedly Big Gay Al would have split their assets had they stayed married for five years. Now why would any INTELLIGENT woman agree to a stupid plan like that? She was making mucho grande money when they married and Al was making zip, so it’s not like SHE stood to make any money on the deal. It was all one sided. Any gold digging man worth his salt could put up with a woman they weren’t attracted to for five years to make a huge chunk of change, which explains why Al and Federline couldn’t do it. I think Al would have gladly gutted it out if Mrs. Allegedly Big Gay Al hadn’t given him the boot first.
The Enquirer is alleging that Bobbi Kristina Brown slashed her wrists. Come on. Her parents are Bobby Brown and Whitless. Aha! Suddenly the slashing is perfectly understandable behavior. I couldn’t help but laugh when I read this, “Bobbi Kristina has been running around drinking and partying, doing what she wants to do.” Hmm, let me think, who does that sound like? Oh, yeah, MOM AND DAD.
Oh! And Susan Smith, the woman who drowned her two sons in her car, then claimed she had been carjacked, has a lesbian lover in prison. Well, duh. There are only two types of ‘lovers’ in prison: your have your lesbian lover or the prison guard you’re sucking off through the bars of your cell door in exchange for cigarettes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch some prison porn…
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. No cheating!
2. Find page 123.
3. Find the first five sentences.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.
Ok, the book is Richer Living by Ernest Holmes. "My body is the temple of the living Spirit. It is spiritual substance now. Every part of my body is in harmony with the living Spirit within me."
I shan't tag anyone, but play along if you'd like.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Today I received this email….my “translation” is in italics:
Dearest One, How are you and your family? Hope fine, my Dear I am writing this letter with due respect and heartfelt of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously. (You’ve never met yourself before? Do ya have a mirror?) I am asking for your assistance. I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. (Huh? This scam is never gonna fly if you don’t speaka da Englese) I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. (I’m not the only person you’ll try to screw over?) I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.
I am Monalisa Ego(tistical) and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you .In regards , My late father Dr William Ego, was the personal advice to the former head of state in my country Liberia in west Africa .(Some “personal advice“ from me, Moan-a? Learn to speaka de Englese!) But he was killed along side with my mother during the long civil war and all our properties were totally destroyed. (Hey, when life hands you lemons, you say ‘fuck life’! and get stinking drunk and sleep with whores.) However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (yours Masters Degree in Scams?) which worthy the sum of (US$10.5m) Ten million Five hundred thousand U.S Dollars (awwww, too bad ya didn‘t hit me up when the U.S. dollar was actually worth something. I might have helped.) deposited by my late father in a Vault Company) (Let’s recap: your old man wasn’t smart enough to protect your property and to not get killed in the war, but he was smart enough to put aside a “very important document” in a vault company? Not buying it.)
Meanwhile, I am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foreign person who will help me retrieve the money from Vault Company, and invest it over there and pending my arrival to meet with you. (Yeah, and I’m saddled with 16 ungrateful kids living in a one bedroom trailer. Life? Lemons? Booze? Whores? Remember? ) Furthermore, you can contact me for more information on this. I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your daughter and manage the money. (“take me as your daughter”?! Are you insane? I already have eight daughters I can’t handle!) I will offer you 15% of the total fund. (15%? You cheap foreign bastard! I’m doing all the work and you‘re making all the money? If I wanted that, I‘d get a fucking job!) Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. (Ok, but don’t hold your breath.)
Miss Monalisa Ego(tistical)
I am sending Moan-a the following email:
I’m really leaning towards helping you. You sound like such an honest person. And the whole “parents dying in a civil war, ” thing. How tragic. I sympathize. My parents died when daddy’s still blew sky high. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t miss that free booze.
I need to know a few things about you first. Are you or have you ever been a practicing lesbian? If we meet, are you interested in some gurl on gurl action? Can my husband watch? Please reply ASAP. My actions depend upon your responses.
This looks like one of THEE DUMBEST inventions yet. It’s bad enough you have the yucky sewer pipe, so what do you do? You slap three big fake rocks around it. Looks like a damn Halloween cemetery.
From the “try not to make it look obvious” file….
What in the world gives with Barbara Walters opening up her big yap about a several year affair she had with a married man in the 70‘s? Is it necessary to hurt people with this information some 30+ years later? And isn’t she the stellar character sleeping with someone else’s husband?
My boss dropped her hearing aid yesterday morning and it needs re-glued. She had the TV blasting all day. Unfortunately, it was mostly FOX news. Talk about mind numbing noise. Guess what the state of the economy is?! It ain’t good!! And let me tell you, they get great delight in telling us so. Over and over and over. It’s their fallback plan. No news? Just rant and rave about the high cost of everything, act indignant and toss in the fact that we don‘t know when it‘s going end. Then in the next story, they‘ll talk about how consumers aren‘t spending. Gee, could it be that they’ve scared the shit out of everyone?
The minute I see someone on the soaps with a gee-tar in their hand, I mute the sound on the TV. I don’t care if it is Trace Adkins. Damn you, Y&R!!
On the JG Wentworth commercial, people who have settlements and want their money in full scream out the window, ”It’s my money and I need it now!!” Wouldn’t it be more productive to pick up the phone and call JG Wentworth?
They had celeb look alikes on Family Feud today and the Angelina Jolie was a DEAD RINGER for her. Mostly of them didn’t even come close, but “Angelina” and “Marilyn Monroe” could have passed for twins of their celeb counterpart.
According to the American Lung Association, Female Offspring #1 is living in the “sootiest city in America.” Eh, what do they know? But it might explain why when she talks black smoke come out of her mouth, and it would also explain that black “Pig Pen cloud” that follows her everywhere.
Friday, May 02, 2008
A group against ignition interlocks for all cars is running the ad below in USA Today, along with this copy, “Ignition interlocks, or in-car breathalyzers, are a great tool for getting hard-core drunk drivers off our roads. However, activists now want to put one in every car in America. That means the end of moderate and responsible drinking prior to driving…No more champagne toasts at weddings, no more wine with dinner, no more beers at a ballgame.”
I think it totally sucks that they are making Lindsey the poster child for “hard core drunks.” Yes, she’s been arrested for drunk driving, but there are people on the roads today who have been arrested twenty and thirty times for DUI and are still driving. What about those who have killed while driving drunk? I had to laugh when the chick behind this was asked on TV today if she thought this was “mean spirited,” and she said “no.” The hell it isn’t. Let’s put HER picture on something negative like this and see what she thinks then.
Yay! Posting ahead is now available on the regular Blogger dashboard. Just adjust the date in "Post Options" and it will automatically post it whenever you specify. I love that feature!
Love the commercials for Mariah Carey's new perfume "M"...."a $600 value for $75." If it's selling for $75, it must be worth about $10.
I watched "Alvin & The Chipmunks" last night starring Jason Lee. Eh, the kid in me was disappointed.
I was googling PMS symptoms last night because I wanted to see if nausea is a symptom. Ever since I started with this pre-menopausal crap, I've noticed that whatever few symptoms I had before are greatly exaggerated now. I never used to hold water before, now I'm bloated like five days. My boobs used to be tender for a day or so, now they're sore and the size of melons for five days. Well apparently someone beat me to it, because they asked if nausea--which I'm suddenly experiencing, too--is a sign of PMS. A guy responded, "Yes, I get nauseated every time my wife gets PMS." LOL! Good one:)