Tuesday, December 30, 2008

sugah sugah

I probably SHOULDN'T do this, but I feel so much better when I do, so starting New Year's Day, I'm going "sugar free" again.

For the life of me, I don't know how people can do this for years. The longest I've been able to maintain it was six months. Then I got a whiff of sugar and went insane, much the same as a crack addict getting crack after a long period of being clean. I don't remember anything, but I woke up in bed naked with Ghirardelli wrappers all around me. The shame.

My downfall is always the same. I'll be cruising along in sugar free gear and I'll think, "Ya know, I could eat sugar today, then tomorrow, I'll go right back to sugar free. I promise."
Just then, a little voice in my head begins screaming, "NOOOO! Haven't you learned your lesson, jack ass?! You've been down this route a million times! It won't work! It never works! DON'T DO IT!!"
I think, "Well, ok, I'll do it! This time it'll work!" Yeah, it works as well for me as it would for the aforementioned crack addict having a "little" crack.

For me, going 'sugar free' is a lot like having PMS. For three days, I want to kill everyone that looks at me, much less speaks to me. The bad thing is I have associated sugar with feeling good for so long that when I can't have the sugar, I get depressed and anxious. If you're not an emotional eater, you won't understand that statement at all.

But physically I feel so much better. The first thing I notice is that my stomach loses that "heavy" feeling. The second thing I notice is that my knees and other joints feel sooooo much better, no stiffness and no aching.

Time to begin my New Year's "Evolution":)

Monday, December 29, 2008

"ooo, I love this next part.."

Have you ever been annoyed by someone at the theater talking during a movie? Here's a simple solution to the problem.


My nephew came in from out of town to visit my mom yesterday, and he brought his kids with him. His 8 yr old daughter knows everything there is to know about everything. Not only can she name all the different variety of dinosaurs, she can name the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Care Bears and all of the apostles. Unlike my offspring. I once asked my offspring to name the apostles and the most common response was, "You mean those four or five dudes that hung out with Jesus?"

While we were visiting, my mother passed out some delicious looking candy canes. I loves me some Christmas candy cane! Just as I was about to put it in my mouth, my nephew's daughter came running over and said, "Aunt Goddess, do you know what the red in the candy cane represents?"

I said, "Why, yes, I do." Because even when I don't, I always pretend I do. Just to screw with them. "The red is for Santa's red coat."

She said, "No! The red is for the blood of Jesus."

Oooooo k, suddenly that candy cane wasn't looking so appetizing anymore...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

paws and claws

One of the stories I saw about Eartha Kitt's passing this week mentioned "Catwoman" had died....

But as far as I'M concerned, there's only ONE Catwoman--Julie Newmar. Purrrrr! She's so sexy, I wanted to be her:)

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree your branches artificial delight us

I woke up this morning to discover the offspring had taken down all of my Christmas decorations and packed them away.

They were so energetic that they dragged the Christmas tree outside just in time for curbside disposal. Unfortunately, it was an artificial tree....

Thursday, December 25, 2008

please have snow and mistletoe

Christmas Eve was a rather subdued affair this year with Dad being gone.

We all got together and celebrated but it seemed like so many of us were just going though the motions, trying to be "happy" because it was the holidays.

I imagine about lot of us were thinking about the family members we've lost, wondering if we'll all still be together for next Christmas, and wondering what 2009 will bring for us.

The weather didn't cooperate either. It was rainy and muddy. Seems like this is going to be one of those winters where we get a lot more ice/freezing rain/sleet than snow.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

this little light of mine

I was in the bathroom earlier this evening, putting the finishing touches on my Christmas "do" and Female Offspring #7 came running into the room.

She said, "Mommy! Mommy! There's a woman on TV who says you have to find your light."

I said, "It's right here, honey. I'm fixing my hair under it. "

por favor

Hott Cops has been nominated on a police blogs site in the "Best Police Friends" category.

Please take a minute and vote for my site. * insert girly eyelash fluttering here*

WORDS OF WISDOM: "When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

on the sunny side of the street

I have no idea what my "Christmas mood" really is these days. It has been an incredibly weird couple of weeks. You know I lost hours at my other job? At the very same time, a relative's relative was looking for help. The hours meshed perfectly with my other job, so I could keep them both. I was only about a mile from where I currently work now, so driving wasn't an issue either, and the pay was great. Over the weekend, the relative of my relative, who is under incredible stress trying to deal with her parents care and her job and her marriage, flipped out on my relative, the only person who was willing to help her, even when her own siblings would not. Unfortunately, I got caught in the cross fire and shit canned out of spite. Oh well. Evidently I wasn't meant to be there.

Monday, December 22, 2008

ho ho...uh oh....

why do i do this

I was watching Bill Burr this morning and I love his bit about the guy in Target cuz it's soooo true. Previously he had been talking about how us "normal" people should carry around chloroform rags with us so we can take out the "crazies" when they start going off in public.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

it's christmas time in the city

NOBODY makes romantic Christmas commercials as well as Kay Jewelers does, and this years is THE BEST. This guy takes his girl out and says, "Remember this?" And she says, "Oh, this is where we first met." Then "this is where we had our first date," and then, "This is where we had our first kiss." Then he takes her to a park and she says, "I don't remember this place." He gets down on one knee and opens a jeweler's box with an engagement ring in it and says, "You will." Damn, that's hella romantic!

I'm so tired of these people on dating site commercials saying, "When you own your own business, you're just too busy to date." or "My work keeps me too busy to meet people and date." THEN WHY ARE YOU PIMPING A DATING SITE?!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

it's a wrap!

Why they don't let men design Christmas wrap....

Why they don't let men design Christmas cards....

Thanks, Bugs!

Monday, December 15, 2008

love these two!

Sarah Maclachlan does such a wonderful job with these two Christmas songs. They've become two of my favorite. The videos don't go with the songs, but you can still appreciate her voice.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

cool deal for us oldsters with vinyl albums

If there's one thing I know about my skimmers, it's that most of them are old like me and own LP's.

Check this out.

It turns your LP songs into MP3's! Unfortunately, most of my albums are like me: warped.

I didn't know this even existed, but I'm sure you guys did, cuz that's the second thing I'm sure of: most of you are way more tech savvy than I am:) Now if I can just find a way to turn my 200+ cassettes into MP3's....sigh.

sunday shakedown

Mr. G and I went grocery shopping bright and early because I had to go into work later in the morning. We checked out at 9:30 on a Sunday morning during the height of the Christmas shopping season at Wal Mart. Guess how many checkouts--manned by actual people--were open? THREE. That’s right, at a time when stores are supposedly begging for customers, we were lined up ten and twelve deep for three lousy registers. Ironically, I noticed most of us were buying groceries, not toys and junky gifts.

For the last several years, a co-worker and myself were responsible for doing all the Christmas decorations at work. No mean feat since my boss seems to have bought every damn Christmas decoration on the planet. We have to lug all the boxes downstairs, slap the stuff up, pack it back up and re-lug it all back upstairs, all the while Overtime Hawg does JACK SHIT. Our hours have been cut quite a bit recently, and the job is pretty much coming to an end in January, so my co-worker has decided to quit. I know that much of what my co-worker and I did was unappreciated, which is why she decided to jump ship early. When our hours were cut, Overtime Hawg continued to work and get paid for 14 more hours than the rest of us, even though I’ve been here the longest. When I approached the boss and asked her why this was happening, she gave me a blank look and said, “I don’t know,“ as if she’s not the one signing the checks. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I decided that it was time to sit on my ass collecting a paycheck doing as little as possible like OH has done since she started. It has been a hoot and a holler, let me tell you. OH hinted around several times for me to get started on the decorating, but Homey don’t play that. Finally last weekend, she had her husband bring all the boxes down--she doesn’t do ANYTHING for herself. [Her husband works a full time job then comes here and does any physical work she needs done. And he’s 72!]The decorations sat there for seven days. I think she figured if they brought them down, my co-worker and I would do them.
I wish I would have saved thenote she wrote me because I would have posted the damn thing, it was so funny. She left this note telling me that the boss was crying because no one put up her Christmas decorations. At the bottom of the note, I wrote, “Yeah, I was wondering why you hadn‘t put them up, too.” LOL! Last week she left me a note asking me to do two things and I wrote back, “In the amount of time it took you to write this note, you could have done this yourself,” and I didn’t do it If I see something that needs done, I do it. I don’t pass the buck to someone else, and I resent her doing it to me. I said to my husband, “When this job is over, I HOPE TO GOD I never have to work with this woman again.” It was funny because later that day, my co-worker said, “The best thing about quitting is I’ll never have to see OH again.” Great minds think alike.

the simpsons has ruined me for learnin' stuff!

I started watching An Inconvenient Truth yesterday afternoon and Al Gore's monotone lulled me right to sleep. But not before I saw this funny cartoon at the beginning. Yes, I'm so immature I can only learn through cartoons now. This looks like it was made by the folks who make The Simpsons, but I don't know.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

whenever you look at me i wish i was her

I love the new commercial for the movie Valkyrie. The announcer says, “Tom Cruise gives his best performance in years.” So basically he’s been putting out shit all these years.

I was watching some music videos the other day and I saw one for Adele’s “Chasing Pavements.” Now Adele is not the skinny, gorgeous Beyonce type singer that we see so often these days, she’s an average looking woman, like so many of us in this world. It came as no surprise to me that many of the shots of her in the video are from far away where she’s shadowed or close ups of her face or from the neck up. Hell, even her album cover is the upper part of her face, consisting of a closed eye and part of her nose. God forbid the music industry should inadvertently send out the message that you don’t have to be good looking to have talent. Sadly, she has fallen victim to “Ann Wilson Syndrome”. Check out old Heart videos when Ann was thin and then those shot when Ann got chubby. Ann and Nancy got equal billing until she gained weight. Suddenly, Ann was subjected to tight close ups of her face or long shots in the SHADOWS, of course, while Nancy was front and center in sexy clothes. The chubbier she got, the less she was shown. Another victim of Ann Wilson syndrome? Carnie Wilson. For about every fifteen times they showed her fellow band mates, she’s seen once. Speaking of Adele, I love her song "Cold Shoulder".

Just a Christmas "heads up" for ya: on December 18th several companies are participating in a free shipping, with guaranteed delivery by Christmas day.

Friday, December 12, 2008

mama, don't your babies grow up to be auto workers

I would love to strangle the Senators that don't want to help with the auto industry bailout, especially the ones that say they won't give the money if the workers don't take a pay cut.

That's the mentality of these people in Washington: don't take the money from the top where they make and WASTE the money, take it from the working class. One car company paid Tiger Woods SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS in endorsements. Ford paid MILLIONS to have some dumb ass stadium to slap the word Ford in it's name. So, of course, what's needed is to continue that frivolous spending and take the money from someone who is trying to feed his family and keep a roof over his head. God forbid that a U.S. worker should be able to get ahead financially in their job.

The United Auto Workers DID agree to some concessions, they did agree to reduce their benefits, but apparently that wasn't enough for those in the Senate who want to break the union and leave the workers with nothing.

When Wall Street came begging, the Senate didn't say, "hey, no money until you cut out the fat," and "no money until all the CEO's and bankers take pay cuts." No, they just handed them whatever they wanted, without even assuring someone would be accountable for that money. And when some of those companies came begging again weeks later, guess what? They gave them MORE money. Now that it's time for the Senate to step up and take care of the WORKING CLASS in this country, they can't be bothered. No, let's put three million people out of work. Drive this country even further into economic collapse. That'll show 'em!

I wish every elected official in Washington and even local governements had to work and live one year on minimum wage with NO BENEFITS during their term. Maybe they wouldn't be making these asshole decisions if they remembered what it's like to be an American worker.

When are we going to learn in this country? We're trying to get off of foreign oil dependency, and now we're going to be dependent on them for our CARS?

and a partridge in a pear tree

This past week I received a lovely Christmas card from our neighbors to the North, Stacey and Joe. While the offspring were upset that "Aunt Stacey" didn't enclose any Canadian nickels in their card, I was bitterly disappointed she didn't have it hand delivered by a Canadian Mountie. Hey, that's the way we roll here in the States!

Whoopers: fat, cholesterol and a heaping serving of controversy. I heard on the news yesterday that the folks at the World Hunger Organization are pissed by these ads, too, because of the amount of money Burger King is wasting on them, saying that money could be used to feed people. Hey, Burger King can't be concerned with feeding the world's poor. They're too busy introducing heart disease to a whole new group of people!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

dudley do right

Some freaking do-gooder on my Christmas card list sent me $10 and told me to "add some $ to it and give it to a deserving person." Pay it forward, as it were.

I thought, "Wow. What a great idea."

I added another $10 to that, gave the $20 to my husband and he took me out to Ryan's Steakhouse for lunch.

Gee, I hope this do-gooder does this again next year. I really enjoyed the meal:)

Speaking of Ryan's Steakhouse, COULD YA MAKE THOSE ROLLS ANY SMALLER?! I could eat JUST rolls at Ryan's, they are that good. I loves me some yeast. But they've gone from huge to teeny meeny size. I know restaurants have to cut back, but couldn't they cut back on stuff like veggies? Stop screwing with my beloved ROLLS!

Have you seen the new Burger King commercials in which they go all around the globe and conduct taste tests with burger virgins. They decided between the Whopper and Big Mac. The commercial ends with, "Looks like he/she has a taste for the Whooper." And heart disease and clogged arteries.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

weighty issues

Oprah needs to just SHUT UP about her weight. It's such a joke that she sits at the head of a woman's magazine and her television show and tells other women to love their bodies and that they're more than their weight, then she makes it all about her weight. She's sending mixed messages that indicates she's living a lie. She needs to stop making it such a public issue. We get that it's a problem for her, but we ALL have something that keeps tripping us up in life. For some it's food, for others it's drugs, money, alcohol, mental problems, employment problems, etc. We all have something. But time and time again, Oprah loses weight, then gets all preachy, then falls off the wagon. The message from The Universe just might be to SHUT UP and deal with it privately.

We have a FABULOUS little "outlet" store here and yesterday morning I went shopping. I'm now the proud owner of six St. John's Bay thermal undershirts and henleys. Cost? 2 for $5. Yep, GREAT STORE. They get all sorts of merchandise from stores that are going out of business and sell it at terrific prices. And they have everything from candy to cookies to stationery supplies to pet supplies to herbs to clothing to laundry stuff. I don't know how many times I bought stuff only to find it there for a fraction of the price.

the deer hunter

She's got that "don't even touch muh deer bone!" expression on her face;) As IF.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

crackin' my nuts

My gf gave me some PGX SlimStyles shake mix to try. SUPPOSEDLY, it's full of water soluble fibers (Konjac-mannan) that expand several times over when you drink water with it. The full feeling allegedly keeps you from eating. Let me just say, that I have NEVER, EVER been so damn constipated in my entire life. And I really don't understand that because fiber should help you go. I drink a gallon of water a day, most days, so I know it's not because I haven't had enough water. Regardless, I'm FINISHED with this stuff.

Mr. G bought me the Nutcracker stamps for my holiday cards because of the many, many designs, this is all they had at the post office. Well, this and the Baby Jebus, but He needs an updated stamp. May I just say they are BUTT UGLEE, not to mention scary looking. Geez. Hardly Christmassy at all.

Ok, I'm off to the chiropractor. Laters!

away in a manger, no crib for her head

On this day, long ago, in a land far away, a young virgin lay in a barn giving birth to her babe. Ok ok, I wasn't a virgin, it wasn't a barn and the comfy hospital was only ten minutes away from home. Gimme a break, will ya?

Happy Birthday to Female Offspring #1!

Monday, December 08, 2008

feats of accomplishment

Mr. G rolled over in bed this afternoon and said, "We've had sex three days in a row!"

I said, "Honey, we used to do that all the time."

He said, "Yeah, but that was when we were younger."

HEY! Some of us are still young.

perfect comeback

I hate it when grown men wear their baseball caps backwards. It looks so juvenile.

I was watching Fred Claus the other night and a kid had his hat like that.

Vince Vaughn said, "Do you have a new rap album coming out? Then turn your hat around and wear it like a real man."

*applause applause*

Sunday, December 07, 2008

visiting the oldsters

Once again my husband has returned from an 'old people' Christmas party, bitter and confused. I keep trying to tell him that old people hold younger people hostage at these sorts of events by withholding good food, but he won't listen.

Last year he went to the party at the home where his mother lives and had to sit through carol singing, 26 old people sitting on Santa's lap, 26 old people having their picture taken with said Santa, and 26 old people opening their gifts. If you have no idea how long something like this would last, envision your hyped up children doing all of this, then slow down the process about 1000 excruciating times over. Alas, he came away hungry and angry.

I said, "Look, old people are smart enough to know that the only reason you're showing up is for the free food. They're going to withhold it as long as possible because they know you'll leave the minute your belly is full."

My grandmother used to be the QUEEN of this. She'd invite you for a meal and say, "We'll eat at 2." By six o'clock you were in tears, begging Grandma for food. She'd be all, "It's my food and I'll put it out when I'm good and ready. Now shut up, and eat another puffed wheat ball and a glass of water." By eight, your stomach was so bloated from the puffed wheat and water, you didn't care if she EVER put out the real food.

Merry Christmas, old people!

welcome to your life

Do you have music video moments that really stick out in your memory? For some reason, the beginning of this video, where the little boy is dressed as a sheriff and points his guns at the passing car has always stood out in my mind when I think of this song.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

stuff, stuff and more stuff

I read that the President and Mrs. Bush are going to buy a home once they leave the White House. Yeah, they're probably the only two people in the country who could get a mortgage.

Gawd, I just hate it when I accidentally shoot my husband during sex.
It is such a mood kill.

OMG! I hope this wasn't a double cheeseburger from McDonald's because that WOULD be a crime! They're my favorites:)

Bugs sends this funny site concerning "Tacky Christmas Yards," and she pointed out the
"hate mail" section as being read worthy. This afternoon, I was watching this video of a house in Pittsburgh and I was LMAO at the comments and how they got soooo off topic. I love the synchronization, but that song sucks. Thanks, Bugs!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

forward, ho!

If you know me well enough to send me email forwards, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT send me stuff like this. I received the picture in this piece and I haven't been able to get the damn image out of my head since. I may act like I don't give a shit about much, but this sort of stuff disturbs me greatly. It's why I can't watch grisly murder films. I relive it over and over in my mind. This picture is totally gross and while I get that it's just the product of a sick mind and photoshop, it still upset the hell out of me.

I love getting funny forwards and jokes, but not this PLEASE.

the customer is always disappointed

I can see why Rite Aid is struggling to stay afloat financially. Yesterday was the first day of their weekly sale, so I thought I’d go in right after work and pick up the three sale items I wanted. First up, a pair of ear plugs that were $4.99, free with a $4.99 rebate. They didn’t have them because they “don’t normally carry them.” It’s a freaking SALE ITEM in your paper. If you don‘t carry it, don‘t advertise it. Next up were their bath sets. They ranged in price from $3.99 to $12.99. I wanted a couple of the $3.99 sets so I could keep them on hand for “emergency gifts.” They had tons of $12.99 sets and a couple $9.99 sets, but no $3.99 sets. I was batting a thousand. Lastly I wanted a tube of their Crest Pro-Health Whitening toothpaste. I read a magazine review of the various whitening toothpastes and this one received the best rating. It was on sale for $2.49 and there was a dollar coupon in the paper. Of course, they had none. To add insult to injury, when I went onto the Rite Aid website to complain, their email server was as shitty as their stores.

Interesting. Some family doctors are considering not giving vaccinations to children because every time they give certain shots, they lose money. And here I thought the health of our children was the most important thing to consider.

I'd like to say, "wow, isn't it great that there are still companies like this around?" but I can't since it was bought out by the Swedes. However, what a wonderful company Peer Bearing must have been!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

one of my favorite Shrek the Halls moments

Puss in Boots tells his version of The Night Before Christmas


Thanks to Bugs for sending this....

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that . .....Ralph was too tired..'

God is good.

"Are you there, Dog?" Pt 2

I cleaned all the meat off of the turkey carcass and decided to put it out on the back porch for a little while so the cats could pick it clean. About ten minutes after I put it out, I looked out the window and there was the neighbor's dog dragging the whole thing up the street....LOL!

Where's a camera when ya need one:)?

"Are you there, Dog? It's me, Goddess."

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m., and the house was dark and quiet. I knew the dog was lying on the floor when I went to sleep, but I couldn't see her. She usually spends half the night with me, and half the night with Mr. G.

Sometimes she snores as loudly as two people and other times, like this morning, she's so quiet, I can't even hear her breathing.

I rolled over and said, "Are you there, dog?" and I heard the quiet thump, thump of her tail on the carpet.

I went back to sleep. All was well in my world.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Believe in the power of Santa

you PMS like a bitch, i would know

Today is a high holy day in Pennsylvania: first day of deer hunting season.

I should have KNOWN better than to let those kids come home for Thanksgiving. Now I can’t get them back on the airplane to boarding school. I had to tell them we were going to Disneyworld to get them on in the plane the first place. I don’t think they’re going to fall for it a second time. Sigh.

Speaking of the offspring, they were very concerned that I’ve lost more than 3/4's of my hours at work. Or as they put it, “OMG! You’re not going to be HOME WITH US, are you?!” Just for that, I’m putting off job hunting until after Christmas vacation. I want the offspring to bask in the glow of me….until they‘re screaming for mercy.

Today as I was wrapping Female Offspring #7’s Barbie Christmas crap, I was thinking how Barbie has it made in the shade. She has her own three story dream house, several “other” houses, a plane, horse, a Volkswagen, windsurfer, glam vehicle, pool, beauty salon, boat, Corvette and a Jeep.
But then I thought about all she’s had to do to sustain this sort of glamorous lifestyle. Barbie has been a dentist, doctor, nurse, pediatrician, surgeon, vet, hair dresser. She’s been in the army, the navy, the air force AND the marines. Freakin’ overachiever. She’s been a firefighter, cop, life guard and Canadian Mountie. Too good to be an EMT, I guess. She’s been an astronaut, pilot, stewardess, and a NASCAR driver. She’s also worked at McDonald’s, been a chef, cowgirl, business exec, babysitter, waitress, taught several different languages, was a designer and hair designer as well as a paleontologist. Her college tuition bills must be THROUGH THE ROOF. I wonder why Barbie has never done porn? Think about it. All she does is lay there with her big fake boobs, vacant stare and painted on smile. She’s a natural!

I was thinking back to the toys my family had when I was little, and one of my favorites was a hobby horse on springs. We used to ride that sucker as intently as if we were rounding up cattle…LOL! We had a blast with that thing. Probably where my love of cowboys came from. Course now days, the hobby horse would have to be motorized.