Saturday, November 29, 2008

grief is like a moving river that takes you to a different place every day

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but my dad loved to collect coins. His dad saved coins and he saved coins. He even saved a set of coins for each of us from our birth year, and gave it to us when we were mature enough to know not to spend it all on candy. (I got mine earlier this year, and those gummi worms were delish.) Even as adults, we’d all save our coins and he’d go through them checking dates to see if we had any old ones from years he needed for his collection. In my mind’s eye, I can see him sitting at the dining room table with his magnifying glass, coins scattered everywhere, carefully checking each one.
I was watching tv with my boss during lunch today and they had a commercial for some sort of new commemorative coins. I turned to her and said, “You know, if my dad was still alive---” and then I stopped, because I suddenly realized the significance of my words. I couldn’t believe how sad and strange it felt to hear those words coming out of my mouth. Sigh.


Anonymous said...

My nephew died on Oct. 17th. Every day since, I have found new movies and music that I say to myself, "Fuck, Ryan would have loved to watch or listen to this before he died!!"

I'm just all so fucking unfair and disheartening, this death nonsense. He dies while his pig of a mother lives on to torture my brother, her ex who left her, and turns her two daughters against him daily.

I am sick to my stomach every time I think of that stupid saying, "What goes around, comes around." It's bullshit. Karma is bullshit.

In my family, the more you act like a cockroach, the longer you live, apparently. Almost all of my nicest family members have left me already. I can't tell you how incredibly alone and empty I am. Family... Well, Mum said it best: I'm disillusioned with the whole concept of family. Ryan's death is changing me. I can feel it. It's a subtle shift in mindset, but I can still feel it daily.

Sorry about you losing your dad. My late grandfather and my FIL also collect coins. I buy them from the mint for him now that I don't get a lot of old coins coming through our till. I get a kick out of how much time and care he takes looking at each one to determine whether any will make his precious collection or not. Gives him something to do in the long hours of his retirement. :-)


Mushy said...

A beautiful sentiment my dear...once in a while you get serious...I like it.

BBC said...

I've studied grief a lot, it's very interesting how it works and how it may hit you, or how you react to it.

Never did collect coins myself, other than I have them all over around here, they've just gotten scattered around the place over the years.

There's even a dish of them stored in a box in the back storage area from when I sold my 32 foot boat and removed everything from it.

I guess I don't need the money so I'll just let them keep piling up.

I can't believe that you bought gummy bears instead of chocolate, go stand in the corner for 15 minutes.

*Goddess* said...

Thanks, Stacey. My dad died the day before your nephew, because when I read your post, I thought, "I know exactly how she's feeling right now..."

I think the movies and tv have convinced us that families are close and wonderful and loving, when in reality, a lot of them are NOT. Look at Christmas movies. EVERYONE is happy. Probably why I love them so much; it's an escape from reality.

*Goddess* said...

Mushy, truthfully, I don't like writing the serious stuff. Laughing is the way I cope with a lot of this:)

*Goddess* said...

I know, Billy, what was I thinking???

Shrinky said...

Oh sweetie, I was talking with a dear friend of mine just this morning, Christmas is a torment to her every year since her beloved ma passed away. She copes just fine with the day to day, but for her it's the holidays that tears the scab over her heart open.

The older we get, seems the more we lose. (Hugs)