Saturday, November 29, 2008

grief is like a moving river that takes you to a different place every day

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but my dad loved to collect coins. His dad saved coins and he saved coins. He even saved a set of coins for each of us from our birth year, and gave it to us when we were mature enough to know not to spend it all on candy. (I got mine earlier this year, and those gummi worms were delish.) Even as adults, we’d all save our coins and he’d go through them checking dates to see if we had any old ones from years he needed for his collection. In my mind’s eye, I can see him sitting at the dining room table with his magnifying glass, coins scattered everywhere, carefully checking each one.
I was watching tv with my boss during lunch today and they had a commercial for some sort of new commemorative coins. I turned to her and said, “You know, if my dad was still alive---” and then I stopped, because I suddenly realized the significance of my words. I couldn’t believe how sad and strange it felt to hear those words coming out of my mouth. Sigh.

Friday, November 28, 2008

*loosens up the old belt*

Thanksgiving was a lovely affair. The pies were DELISH, as well as the rest of the food. (Notice dessert gets first billing?;) I forgot how much I enjoy cooking. Ok, it was the whiskey that made it fun. I had fun dressing the turkey, but I will admit that it was difficult getting his little shoes and socks on.

Female Offspring #1 brought a "friend" home with her, and he's visiting from another country. He was telling us of his family holiday traditions. The offspring were "oooh'ing and ahh'ing" about how fabulous it was, and not to be outdone, I said, "We have some wonderful traditions in our family, too."

Of course the offspring backed me up by yelling, "We do not!" "WHAT traditions?" "Nuh uh!"
I said, "We DO have traditions. What about Grandma? Every year she gets drunk and starts screaming about how we're all out of the will. That doesn't just happen by accident, ya know. And for the last ten years, we've avoided going to your Aunt Carol's for dinner by telling her we all have the flu. Another time honored family tradition." Geez.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

enjoy the toikey!

This could also double as a Christmas poster, I'm sure:0)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
I am allll about the pumpkin pie today;)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

pocketful of hamsters

A woman was arrested for stealing mice and hamsters from a pet store and they caught her when the store owner noticed them crawling out of her purse. Obviously not a well thought out plan.

The comical thing was her bail was $5000 and the damn rodents were only worth four freaking bucks.

moving right along

Love this quote. In the new movie Four Christmases, Vince Vaughn is explaining to his friends that he and Reese Witherspoon are going to lie to their families so they can spend Christmas alone together. His friend says, "You would lie to your family at Christmas?" Vince says, "You can't spell 'families' without the 'lies'. Try it." LOL!!

I am ON SCHEDULE for Countdown: Thanksgiving 2008, people! Yesterday, I cleaned the fridge, the living room, hall, stairs and bathroom. Tuesday, I cleaned the bedrooms and the kitchen, and today, I start baking. Yay! I'm actually looking forward to cooking this year.
Unfortunately, there's a winter storm warning in effect until Thursday morning, so I'm hoping Female Offspring #1 will be able to come home. I don't like her traveling in snowy weather because she has a couple mountains to climb along the way.

I saw an episode of Kath & Kim the other afternoon. Very disappointing. Molly Shannon is much funnier than that.

If you want to go around bear hugging, try the stuffed kind, NOT the kind with teeth and claws.

I thought this story was rather funny. You would think ginormous fake tits might be a clue that someone has a stripper/porn past, huh, and yet, it's just coming to light:)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

scene on my fridge

I gave the offspring the magnetic letters and told them to make up an "inspiring Thanksgiving message" for the family. (That's code for "get the hell out from underfoot!") This is what they came up with. Ok, truth be told, they came up with SEVERAL messages, but this is the only that doesn't involve doing any unnatural things to the turkey's butt hole...

Monday, November 24, 2008

gobble gobble gobble


it's Monday, go nuts!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by telling at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doin' pretty good in mine.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

big lots, you've got some 'splaining to do!!!

Is there any tacky ornament the Christmas industry WON'T pimp? After seeing this advertisement for Big Lot's "2 dimensional tinsel pig," I think not.
Then again, he IS only $25, and we all know that pigs and Christmas go together cats and Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 21, 2008

abc sucks

First they messed with Men in Trees so much that viewers couldn't even find it in their line-up, then they yanked it for months, brought it back and abruptly ended it.

NOW they've canceled Eli Stone, the one new show I've gotten interested in. And yet, According to Jim is still on.

Who runs that network? Dogbert?

only Sara Palin....

Would be stupid enough to be interviewed right in front of a guy slaughtering turkeys...oy!

consistently inconsistent

From the "somebody's been watching too many porno videos" file. I love the line where he tells the chick she has to audition and she still might not get the part...LOL! He's totally got the huge balls to direct porn.

There's a commercial for a local hospital that runs during the noon news, and the focus is their heart center. They show a grandma celebrating her birthday with her family as they blather on about their cardiac care unit. At the end it says, "Does the family care that the Cardiac Care Center is one of the best in the state? No. They only care that Grandma is home and back to the life she loves." Yeah, boozing and bingo. Wheeeeee!

I received one of those crappy metaphysical brochures in the mail in which they touted a new "release" technique that will change my entire life. I was all set to order it until I saw one guy's "testimony" in which he said he was "cured of smoking marijuana." Why would you---who would want---GUH! There's one brochure that went right into the trash.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

who wrote the book of love

WORDS OF WISDOM: “Is there any unpleasant aspect of our society that Dick Cheney isn’t making money off of?” Jon Stewart

Somebody explain this one to me. HOW IN THE WORLD can going to a tire and retreading shop hurt your credit rating? We're not supposed to buy frigging tires now?! The thing that really aggravates me is that consumers have to pay to get their own damn credit rating. That just shows how out of control this credit card industry is. The cc's have total control and as consumers, the only thing we get is the shaft....along with a hefty interest rate.

Let me just preface this by saying, yes, Billy, I know I watch too much tv. The writers of the Ghost Whisperer really weenied out. Two weeks ago, JLH’s onscreen hubby “died” of a blood clot to the brain after surgery. Last week he hung around, refusing to leave earth and at the last minute, he leaped into the body of a recently deceased man. This way, they can keep David Conrad onscreen, and start things between them all over again. What a boring way to go. Either have the balls to kill the character off or not, but don’t pull a wussy stunt like this. Besides, it’s going to get confusing for viewers. When other people see the guy, they see a stranger. When JLH sees him, she sees him as David Conrad. Guh.

I was watching a show this afternoon about what women in different cultures perceive as "beautiful". Japanese women want skin as clear and as light as possible. How different from the over-tanned Americans.
Some of the most desirable human hair for our hair extensions comes from India. Damn those Indians have the market cornered on our jobs AND our hair! They shave their hair to please the gods. Then the temple sells it. A father and son team are the top hair exporters in India, and btw, they both had a full head of hair.
Overweight women and women with stretch marks are the most desired women around in the West African country of Mauritania. “I would not swab a plumb woman for a scrawny one.” Force feed to fatten them up. The more you weigh, the better your chances of getting married. There they take drugs that MAKE you overeat. They want to be fat at all costs. Skinny=sick and something wrong with you. Take that, Steve Lick!!
In Brazil, women suck down more diet pills than any country in the world. In the past, only single women would take good care of their bodies in Brazil. They have three or four mags devoted entirely to plastic surgery--big boobs in particular. So much so that they even have payment plans for plastic surgery in Brazil.
Nose job capitol of the world is………Iran! I was shocked to see that. 60 thousand nose jobs every year. Women say they have to cover up most of their body, but the face is seen, so they want it to be perfect. Nose jobs are a status symbol, and women who can’t afford nose jobs buy tape and wear it, trying to make others think they’ve had it. Again, how different from US people who lie about having plastic surgery.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i'm off to reno, utah!

I have seen the future of computers with touch screens and I do not like it, people! It’s hard enough keeping a laptop screen clean when no one is touching it. How long do you think it’s going to take before I smear marshmallow cream or Doritos across my screen?

And the senseless crying continues. Today on the Price is Right, Ashley Jones from B&B told the contestant that she’d have a walk on role on the show if she won the showcase and I was bawling my eyes out. GUH! Kudos to the chick this week who gave a shout-out to Joel McHale. LOL…very smart idea.

This sort of news continues to give me hope: yesterday a guy in my little corner of the world walked into a convenience store and walked out with a million dollar scratch off ticket. Good for him.

Sad news, kids. Billy Baldwin was JOKING when he said he’d leave the country if Obama won. Damn you, Billy Baldwin, for getting our hopes up! This must be a thing with the Baldwins. Alec promised to leave when Bush was re-elected, and he was a liar, too. Sigh.

I was happy to see one of my favorites, Denis Leary, on The Daily Show clarifying his comments about autism. As Jon Stewart said, “You’re an asshole, but you’re not that big of an asshole.” LOL! Apparently someone from the NY Times took the paragraph out of context as it was discussing parents who use autism as an excuse to get meds for their kids because they don’t want to take the time to deal with the real issues. He said the very next paragraph dealt with friends of his who had an autistic child and how they dealt with it.

After watching a commercial for The Chocolate News, once again I want to know what the hell is up with black guys enjoying dressing up like chicks? Eddie Murphy, The Wayan Brothers, Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence and now David Allan Grier. YUCK. What gets me is they don’t even try to dress up as ATTRACTIVE women.

I was working on a crossword puzzle today and the clue was “Reno is here,” and there were four spaces, the second one was “t” and the last one was “h” and I’m thinking, “How in the world am I going to get Nevada out of that? No way could they be thinking Utah.” They were. Sigh.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm a rock star i got my rock moves

I went for my evening walk after work and as usual I had my MP3 player going. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m “Walking on Sunshine” when it’s snowing and I’m freezing my ass off in twenty degree weather.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me lately but I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Hormones? Nah, I don't have any. Yesterday I was bored and flipping channels and I saw an episode of “Full House” in which Jesse’s grandfather died. I hate “Full House” and I don’t know Jesse’s grandpap, but I was bawling my eyes out by the time the show was over. I saw one a vid in which a soldier came home and surprised his kid at school and again, bawling my eyes out.

I was so bored I watched some of “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. I don’t know, but there’s something about seeing little kids dance like adults that creeps me out. Almost as much as seeing chicks sexy dancing with their dads…brrrrrrrr.

I received my “bill” for the volunteer am-boo-lance service this month. It’s a “voluntary” $25 per family OR ELSE!! Seriously, they bill ya like $300 for an amboolance run if you don’t pay this fee, and I’m hearing that they also charge your medical coverage now. I’m not paying it. From now on, when one of my offspring are injured, I’m going to employ the “soap opera method of resuscitation“. I’ll slap them on the face, scream their name several times and yell, “Wake up! Wake up!” Works every time on The Young & The Restless.

Monday, November 17, 2008

holiday road

I emailed the offspring this morning and told them I was getting read for an old fashioned Trisha Yearwood Thanksgiving feast. I’m making Grandma Lizzie’s cornbread dressing, Tricia’s sweet potato souffle and Trisha’s favorite cranberry salad. Female Offspring #1 emailed back, “You don’t even LIKE Tricia Yearwood and I don’t have a Grandma Lizzie.” I said, “No, but Trisha does. And no, I don’t like Tricia particularly, but her recipes were in the magazine I swiped from the dentist’s office, so that’s how Thanksgiving is going to shake down.” Male Offspring #2 emailed, “Tricia Yearwood?! Why don’t we have an old fashioned Goddessville Thanksgiving?” I thought about it and ya know, he’s right. We’ve had our own tradition all these years and we should stick to it, embrace it. Turkey TV dinners for all! Phew! I’m less stressed about the whole cooking thing already.

I watched “Made of Honor,” starring Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monagham this afternoon. It wasn’t bad. I just don’t see Patrick Dempsey’s appeal. IMHO, he’s not McSteamy, McDreamy or McCreamy, for that matter. He might be good looking, but he doesn’t have that certain something, like George Clooney. He doesn’t have that charisma.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

it's fixed, I tells ya!

There were five seconds left in the Pittsburgh/San Diego game and the announcer remarked that if the score stood, it would be the first 11-10 game in the history of the NFL. He went on to say how thrilled the bookies would be.

Then San Diego passed the ball, and it got tossed to two or three different players before Troy Polamalu caught it and ran it in for a touch down, making the score 17-10. They reviewed the play and the ref came out and said it wasn't a lateral pass, and the play stood, the final score was 17-10.

All of a sudden, they took the play back and the announcer said, "Well, the bookies will be thrilled." Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?

Friday, November 14, 2008

the root of all evil

I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST. There I said it. And even though I hate it, I force myself to go at least once a year so I don’t have to deal with serious issues. The other day, I thought I was going because I had two small fillings under my front teeth that needed fixed. The dentist lifted my upper lip to inject the Novocain into my gum and he said, “Did you know you have a bump above your front tooth?” And I said, “Yeah, I’ve had that for years.” He said, “That indicates to me that you have an abscess and you need to have a root canal done in that tooth.’ FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!! I thought the only way you got abscesses was to ignore a rotting tooth, which I didn’t have. Then he informed me that MAYBE the tooth died when he replaced the filling several years ago and it was close to the nerve. In other words, it did, and he just didn’t want to say so. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know how many people have told me that they’ve had a root canal, then had their tooth capped, only to have to have it yanked out later because it became infected again. I have no pain with the tooth, so I’m rather inclined to leave it alone, but my dentist insists that the bubble on my gum is filling up with pus then is draining into my system and that this cycle will continue until I have the root canal. He said, that it’s “inevitable” that it will fill with pus one day and not drain, thus infecting the whole tooth. Sigh. I swear to God they tell us that shit so we think about it and it becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy. I sure as hell don’t want to pay $300 for the root canal, $400 for the cap and then have to get it pulled and replaced by an implant, which is over $1k. On the other hand, I don’t want to get my front tooth yanked and replace it with an implant because there’s no way in hell those two teeth will match. Besides, who the hell has a thousand dollars to spend on one lousy tooth?

Way to go Fox News, keep trying to scare the shit out of the American people in regards to our new President. That damn O’Hannity needs to SHUT. UP. and give the man a chance. I wish I had a quarter for every time O'Reilly has said, "He scares me," referring to Obama, since the election. Gawd, I haven’t seen this much fear mongering since 9/11.

Speaking of roots, here is one of my all time favorite songs. The words are fantastic and I love the symbolism of "ripping love out by the roots".....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

hey, hey, Paula

You might have read that one of the American Idol contestants committed suicide near Paula Abdul's home. What I find ironic about this story is that with every news item I read about the suicide of Paula Goodspeed, they show a picture of Paula Abdul preening for the camera. This is the woman's last chance to be "famous" and they take it away from her by making it all about Paula Abdul. Too bad Paula doesn't still have her reality show on, she could gets lots of crying and screaming mileage out of someone killing themselves near her house. The nerve of them bringing down the value of her real estate holdings!

Sarah Palin needs to stop talking about the run for VP already. She keeps yammering on about the clothes, saying, "I didn't ask for the clothes. I never asked for anything more than the occasional diet Dr. Pepper." That doesn't change the fact that she SPENT THE $. And is it my imagination or does Greta Van Susteren have a woman crush on Palin? In their interview, she's like, "I knew where you were at almost every second. I was constantly getting Blackberry messages about where you were." Ewwww.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

money changes everything

I can't believe the Congress is considering another stimulus package.

First of all, they keep telling us that part of this huge financial problem is too much credit card debt. Sooooo, the government borrows money that it cannot afford to borrow, thus incurring MORE debt, and tells us to spend it.

Secondly, the last time they tried this only a very small portion of the people spent the money. Most either saved it or used it to pay down debt. If they borrow more money and people don't spend it, they've made things even worse.

The government needs to stop coming up with these half-assed ideas and come up with a REAL answer to this financial crisis.

turning towards the future

I was reading my Daily Guide in the Science of Mind magazine and one line gave me an "aha!" moment: "What we give our attention to persists in our experience."

I've been looking for a new job and I keep hearing myself saying, "I'm just not getting any calls." So now I'm perpetuating that for myself over and over by constantly confirming it.

Every time my gf emails me about my job, she'll say, "There just aren't any jobs out there," and I KNOW that's not true because my field is the one area in which they ARE hiring.

Now I have to keep canceling that out in my mind and replacing it with, "I now have a wonderful new job, with hours I enjoy, a pay I love and co-workers that are so friendly. I am blessed."

Monday, November 10, 2008

we are family

HOLY CRAP! I thought being President of the United States was a stressful job in and of itself, especially these days, but I just heard on CNN that Obama's mother in law is moving into the White House with them! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I attended the funeral viewing for one of Mr. G's cousins over the weekend. One of his dad's cousins--a guy in his 70's--came over to me and we were chatting. Out of the blue, he says, "My wife lets me have sex with anyone I want to." Geez, thanks for the warning. Later, I was telling my husband what happened and he said, "Oh yeah, he says that all the time...."
I thought MY family was strange.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

bless the beasts and the children

Debbie writes: "Why don't you talk about your kids no more?"

Well, Debbie, I didn't mention the fact that we won the lottery. It wasn't a lot of money, but it was enough to either build myself a fabulous home OR send all but the youngest offspring to boarding school for a year. For some stupid reason, you can't send a 20 month old to a boarding school. Go figure.

I cannot tell you how I agonized over this decision. (Not at all) I cried for days trying to choose between my children and my home. (I couldn't pack those brats up fast enough) Finally I decided their education was more important than my comfort. (That's what parents always say when they want to get rid of their kids) I closely vetted all the boarding schools overseas (picked the cheapest one) and finally chose one where I could keep in close contact with the offspring. They're I have no idea where they are, I know it's on of those countries that ends in "land," like "Greenland," "Iceland," or "Mainland...China." I'll find out when they all come flooding home for a joyous Christmas reunion. (Damn Christmas vacations)

Saturday, November 08, 2008

chubbies and the men who love them

According to this report, overweight chicks have more sex than slender chicks. [The first person to suggest it's because fat chicks take it anywhere they can get it, gets slapped upside the head!]

I honestly don't know why they're making a huge ass [pardon the pun] deal about this since the difference is only a few percentage points. 92% of chubby chicks admit to having a history of sexual intercourse with a guy while 87% of skinny chicks do. Big deal.

I'm going to guess that it's simply because more women are overweight these days nd just because they're overweight that doesn't mean they stop having sex. How's that for a theory?

FARTING?! I'm not farting, I'm controlling my blood pressure, thank you very much! Like you guys need an!

canine conundrum

The media is making a huge deal out of what sort of dog the Obama kids should get. People Mag is offering a poll of Poodle, Greyhound, Bichon Frise, or Cairn Terrier.

How about a SHELTER DOG? There are tons of great dogs in our animal shelters that need homes. It would set a good example for his kids AND for lots of people in this country who insist pure breeds are the only way to go.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

this is getting crazy

"New Jersey's Public Health Council now requires a flu shot for all children before they enroll in preschools and daycare centers. The mandate has infuriated many parents, hundreds of whom recently gathered in protest outside the statehouse in Trenton.

Parents flooded the statehouse, carrying signs with slogans like "Parent Power" and "My Child, My Choice," and chanting "No American should be forced to play vaccine roulette with their child." They rallied for support of a "conscientious objectors" clause, which would grant exemptions for children and parents who have a moral objection to the vaccination.

Existing state law provides for medical and religious exemptions to mandatory vaccinations, but parents say that requests are not frequently granted by authorities. New Jersey officials oppose any laws allowing parents to opt out of the vaccine.

Children 6-months to 5-years-old enrolled in a daycare or preschool have until December 31, 2008 to receive both the flu and pneumococcal vaccine. New Jersey requires the most childhood shots for day-care and school admission among all states in the nation."

By the time a child reaches the age of TWO, he/she will have received up to TWENTY THREE vaccines. That is CRAZY. Their little bodies can't take all of that. Why is the schedule so grueling? Why aren't the vaccines spread out more? Some times kids will get as many as SIX SHOTS in ONE VISIT.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

this is the day the romance died

I went through the drive thru this morning and got my usual unsweetened iced tea with lemon and my crusher was working. I could tell he was surprised to see me that late in the morning. And once again, I felt sorry for him as he tested the lid five times and smoothed it several more while he tried to come up with something witty to say. It was at that moment that I noticed his name tag: Denny. That’s it. It’s over. I can NOT see myself getting it on with a “Denny”. No way am I going to scream, “Do me, Denny!” I can hear myself screaming, “Oooh, Justin!”, “Oooooh, Caleb!”, “Oooooooooooooooooh, Officer!” but “Oooohh, Denny”?! No way. And I say this with sincere apologies to all "Dennys" reading this page, of which I’m sure there are none. Besides, what guy in his 20’s goes by “Denny”?! It should be Dennis or Den, but Denny? Gawd, sounds like he should still in grade school...or working at Mc--yeah, never mind.

As another election passes, once again, I’m saddened by all the people who said, “I wanted to vote Libertarian, but I know I’m throwing my vote away.” In the end, you have to vote your conscience. And I wonder if maybe ONE year all of those people got together and joined those of us who “threw it away” anyway, MAYBE it would make a difference? It’s just a shame that the candidate that makes the most sense is never really a contender.

I saw the FOX news van in town this morning. No doubt to interview John Murtha, who did indeed win again. Barely. After the things he’s said about us lately, I have to say, I wasn’t sorry to see him scrambling at the last minute for votes.

I loved Stephen Colbert’s reason for McCain losing New York: “The city that never sleeps would never support a candidate that goes to bed at 7:30.” LOL! Another funny line was, “Things are so bad with the US economy that Americans are now emailing Nigerian princes. Nigerian princes: don’t fall for it! It’s a scam!”