Saturday, August 30, 2008
I can just see Mrs. McCain in line at Dollar General rifling through her coupons to get that thirty five cents off of a bottle of Spic 'N Span...
I can't wait for this stupidity to be O-VER.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Friday, August 29, 2008
So McCain has picked his running mate.
Sure there were more experienced men in the running, but he would not pander to the younger, female voters! *insert eye roll here*
I think it’s hella cool. If he wins, he’ll have someone to nag him at home AND at work:) Win win for all.
The more I thought about this, the more I realized I did know the name Palin because of this story.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
If it’s because of the money, there are other professions in which guys make more money than doctors, like rock stars or pro-ball players. But I never hear mothers saying, “Gawd, I hope my daughter marries Keith Richards!”
Doctors work long hours, so you’re pretty much raising the kids on your own. He could cheat on you, and you’d never know it because his schedule is so erratic. But more importantly, nobody knows how to get rid of their spouse, while leaving no clues, better than a doctor. One minute he’s caring and concerned, “Honey, let me give you something for that headache,” and the next minute you’ve gone all Sunny Von Bulow on the world. No thanks.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Today I received an email–yes! an email!–from Sarah. SOMEBODY loves me and not just that kid from McDonald’s who remembers my packets of sweeteners. Sarah wrote: “Goddess, I’m going broke trying to pay for three college educations for my children. How are you going to pay for 16?” Sarah, I have discovered the secret for saving thousands and thousands of dollars on your children’s college educations: raise dummies.
I saw on the news that the Atlanta aquarium now has a manta ray. The manta ray was “rescued” off the shores of South Africa and put in a tank in Durban. A year later, she’s being moved to Georgia. Yeah, “rescued” and condemned to spend the rest of it‘s life in a lousy tank. Wheeeee! Humans to the “rescue”.
Did you see the new political karaoke? People take actual speeches from political figures and recite them in their own way. My guess is that it’s heavily attended by Star Trek fans and adults who still live with Mom. (BTW, those two aren’t mutually exclusive…)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Ooooo, new cop show on the horizon. The cop gods have answered my prayers! MTV will premiere Busted on Monday at 6 p.m. From the previews, it looks a lot like COPS meets Speeders meets people drunk off their asses.
I can't believe some of the stupid shit I read on the internet. One chick was talking about Down Syndrome babies and she said they happen because "Catholic women insist on squirting out kids way into their 40's". Hey, dumbass, ANYONE can have a baby with Downs and 80% of the babies born with Downs are born to women UNDER 35. It's about chromosomes, not religion.
An Italian priest has started an online beauty contest for nuns to fight their “old and dour stereotypes.” Word is they’re bringing in porn chicks as ringers. Har har har. They’d need to if any of my old nun teachers were alive to compete. Yuck.
Love this line from the article, “The contest drew criticism from the association of Catholic teachers.” Of course, it did. EVERYTHING draws criticism from Catholics.
Someone named "Mike" sent me an invite to join My Jesus Nexus. Obviously "Mike" doesn't know me very well. I hate Jesus. Jesus Gonzalez, that is, and I'm assuming that little rat bastard is behind My Jesus Nexus. In the past, Jesus has said HORRIBLE things to me like, "Dubba wide, dubba wide, can't get your fat ass down the slide," when I couldn't get down the slip 'n slide. The pain I feel when I think about those words is so intense that it feels like just yesterday. When in fact, it was Saturday. 6 year olds can be so mean!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Last night za Dog was in one of her barking moods. Around two o'clock she started barking rather frantically and she left my room and went into the living room, and threw herself against the front door, as if to say, "Anybody coming in or going out, is going through me."
I fell back to sleep and around 3 a.m. something woke me up and I heard what I thought was someone closing the door on our shed. It's not that far from the house and it has a very distinctive sound.
Now, I'm laying there, thinking, "Oh crap. I think someone's in the shed. I guess I have to get up and turn on the light and look. But I think I left my slippers in the living room and the light switch is all the way downstairs. Ooooo, why does God hate me?!
And what's really in that shed? Three or four year old lawn mowers that I've been bitching about replacing and an equally old weed eater. By the time I get downstairs they'll be long gone. Screw it. Anybody dumb enough to steal that junk can have it, and I'll have a legitimate reason for buying new. Maybe I can get one of those riding mowers! Wooo hooo! Now I hope somebody IS breaking into the shed!"
When I got out of bed, I told Mr. G that I heard someone near the shed and he said, "Did you get up and turn on the light?" Yeah, uh huh. Schure I did.
After I left for work in the morning, Mr. G checked all around the shed and the yard and we decided that it was actually an animal hitting against the door since nothing around the shed had been disturbed. He called me at work and said, "Luckily, nothing was stolen." Yeah, luckily. Sigh. Goodbye, riding lawn mower. I hardly knew ye.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I replied with a cautious, “Why? What do you need?” That way, if she came up with some job she needed done, I could lie and say I was working. I think I underestimated how bored my mother is because she wanted me to take her to the grand opening of a crematorium/funeral home. I think I also underestimated how bored I am because I took her. Ok, not without argument. I’m like, “Hey, if I take you out, I’ll have to take the offspring, and you know how I hate taking the offspring out in public.” Apparently my offspring have more of a life than I do because only Male Offspring #7,6 and 3 wanted to go. You could almost say they were “dying” to go. Ar ar arrrrr. I discovered later Male Offspring #3 only wanted to go because he thought the crematorium was where they made Cream of Wheat.
As soon as we got there, Male Offspring #6 & 7 tried to convince the mortician dude to cremate Male Offspring #3. Last I heard they were bribing him with $5.99 and a half eaten box of Milk Duds. I have to admit the place was gorgeous. They had high ceilings with pine beams, which I love. Plus cozy fireplaces and large wooden lounge chairs. All that was missing was the Smores. In fact, I loved the atmosphere so much that I told the offspring to cremate me and spread my ashes right there.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
About three or four times a week, I stop at the local fast food “restaurant” and get an unsweetened ice tea before work. I take it with three packets of Equal. There’s a good looking young man who works the window frequently. (Lordy, how I hoped and prayed I’d never have to use the phrase “good looking young man” in my lifetime.) One morning I pulled up to the window and as he handed me the tea, I started to say, “3 packets of Equal, please,” when he said, “I know, three Equal, right?” I said, “How did you remember?” because I only see him maybe once out of those four stops, and he said, “I remembered the car.”
People, I would believe him if I were behind the wheel of my midnight blue dream car Dodge Charger or my midnight blue dream car Mustang, but a KIA?! Come on. There’s nothing memorable about a Kia.
You know what I think? I think he wants me. Yep, as in “MILF while she’s drinking her ice tea sweetened with Equal.” Is that a genre of porn yet? Wait five minutes. It will be.
This morning I went for my ice tea and there he was. I hadn’t seen him for about two weeks and as soon as I pulled up to the window, he said, “3 Equal, right?” As he handed me my change, he said, “You don’t even have to ask for it. I added it to your order.” THEN he said--get this--“have a great day!“ Oh, he wants me. He wants me BAD.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wow. This is one of the smartest ideas I've heard in a long time, because as we all know only good comes from getting drunk off your ass in college. Seriously, though, what the hell is wrong with the college presidents who want the drinking age lowered? Their "logic" is insane--21 isn't working, so let's lower it to 18. Brilliant. If that doesn't work, should we lower it to 15?
I love the college student who said the drinking age should be lowered because it would "be easier on everyone." In other words, no more having to suck up to your older friends who buy you booze.
LOL! Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where the library cop came after Jerry for an overdue book.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Don't you just hate when this happens?
Oooooooo-cana-DUH. Is this REALLY a good idea?
"Beauty disadvantaged women?" What an IDIOT.
The first batch didn't turn out so well because I over baked them a tad due to the fact that the pan was 9X9 instead of 8X8. I ate one and I'm like, "Damn, this has an odd sort of taste. It's not that great," but you know me, I'm nothing if not persistent, so I kept eating.
I ate half of the pan--hey, 9x9 is a small pan and the batter only rose about 1/4 of an inch in that pan. I left the rest for Mr. G, who came into the room a short time later, saying, "Those brownies tasted terrible. They had a weird aftertaste."
Later that evening, I was craving again and decided to finish the brownies, only to discover Mr. G had eaten the other half of the pan. I said, "Why in the world did you eat those brownies if you didn't like them?" He said, "Same reason you did." Damn it.
This is the bridge we walk under every night when we take the dog for a walk. We walk under the portion to the left of the support. Duh.
Now every time we're under the bridge, I'm going, "Hurry up! Hurry up!" to Mr. G and the dog who are mosying around UNDER the bridge and the second picture will explain why.
This is part of the bridge support. Notice the healthy amount of cracks that seem to have been filled in with a tube of bathroom caulking from Dollar General? Sadly, the support on the other side doesn't look any better. I'm tempted to bring a can of spackling late at night and just have at it.
Gawd, those were horrible times. I hate to think about how I had to use my legs and muscles and walk everywhere. Brrrrr....
Sunday, August 17, 2008
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3.. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' -
She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6.. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Let the dumbening begin.
“Outside Inn” is sooooooooooo bad that you will laugh your ass off. It stars--and I use that word lightly--three reality show rejects, Bobby Brown, Maureen McCormick and Carnie Wilson. Throw in three of the “locals,“ give them an asinine script that makes them out to be as stupid and hickish as possible, and it’s obvious that some people will do anything for money. And I thought prostitution was sad. I would liken "Outsiders Inn" to your local high school's theater department production of "Lil' Abner". Every bit as high quality.
I hope the people of Cocke Country, Tennessee have a good sense of humor because they come off as slack jawed yokels times ten.
I guess I shouldn’t make fun of them, because it’s obvious that CMT is devoted to quality programming. They’re not putting Tom Arnold in charge of the “Biggest Redneck Wedding Ever” for nuttin‘.
My spidey senses tell me these two should not marry...but probably will anyway.
Like these idiots did.... Love means never having to say, "Where's that damn restraining ordered again?"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Never fails. I cut a pretty good sized gash on the top of my finger the other day and while I kept it wrapped the first 24 hours, Grandma used to tell us that cuts heal faster when they get air. So I took the band-aids off and I’m telling you, I must have smacked that finger in that exact spot about 85 times since then. Oy.
I love the new “Cheat on Beef: commercials fro Burger King. I love the one where the guy goes to a motel, closes all the curtains and eats a bacon burger in secret. All of a sudden someone is trying to open the door and a cow kicks it down, and the guy‘s like, “I‘m sorry!” LOL!
TruTv as a new reality--I’m sorry, not reality, “actuality”--show coming on called “The Principal’s Office.” Oh, just what we need. An “actuality” show with teenage drama, because as we know, EVERYTHING with teenagers is ‘drama’.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
POLICE in Japan have quizzed a 20-year-old man who attacked and robbed two people who he thought were staring at his Winnie-the-Pooh costume, it has been revealed.
In the incident around midnight in Tokyo last month, Masayuki Ishikawa, who was dressed as Winnie the Pooh, with two friends dressed as a mouse and a panther, took offence at being stared at, police reported.
“It’s uncommon to see people dressed up like this, so the victims were watching them. Then the perpetrator came up and said ‘What are you staring at?’” a police spokesman said.
Police added that Ishikawa and his friends beat up the two victims before stealing $160 from them.
The spokesman added that the group had donned the unusual outfits when
they ran out of clean clothes. Link
And my mother rags on me when I wear my wedding dress on laundry day….sigh.
No word on whether the "mouse" was DangerMouse or MightyMouse or MickeyMouse or the mouse from the "If You Could Give A Mouse A Cookie" book.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I was sooooo thrilled to see people picketing the premiere of “Tropical Thunder” because of the flagrant use of the word “retard” in the movie. The word ‘retard’ is every bit as offensive to people with Down’s Syndrome as the word “nigger” is to African Americans, and it angers me that it’s used so frequently today. Ben Stiller’s comment that they “never meant to offend anyone” is ludicrous. Of course, they meant to offend. When writers can’t write genuine humor, they depend on cheap laughs through vulgarity and offensiveness.
I don’t know which of these two I find funnier: John Edwards qualifying his relationship with Rielle Hunter by saying it didn’t happen until after his wife’s cancer was in remission OR Hunter saying of Edwards’ wife, “She does not give off good energy. She did not make eye contact with me.” Yes, I’m sure a woman who trespasses on another woman’s marriage is concerned with surrounding herself with people who give off “good energy”. Of course, she didn’t give off “good energy,” ya ass. Women know when other women are after their man.
I have to hand it to Lisa Marie for blasting the media for saying she’s fat, but come on, anyone who has been pregnant knows those Marie Clare photos were air brushed to the max.
I think the dialogue on the old show, “Just Shoot Me” was so well written. I loved this line from today’s show when a Fed showed up on Nina’s doorstep:
Agent: “I’m Special Agent Morris.”
Nina: “Well, someone thinks highly of themselves.”
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
Next up, Grandma takes her grandchild for a way cool spin in the rinse cycle!
$50,000 worth of sex toys were "accidentally" destroyed at the Houston PD? Uh huh, sure they were. "Pass the penis pump, will ya, Sarge?"
Thursday, August 07, 2008
I looked up and snapped a pic of this branch hanging high above my head.
Then I thought, "Damn. Hope that thing doesn't snap off and come crashing down on me."
Yep, that's me. Mizz "Glass is Half Empty, Not To Mention Cracked"...
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
For one, Denis is now 50 years old so I know there's no possible way he could administer weekly beatings, and for another, there's no damn way he could TAKE all the beatings he's getting.
I realize some guys never mature beyond the third grade playground, and they continue to solve everything through fighting, but geez, give it a rest already, would ya? If this keeps up, I'll never sit through the complete second season.
And yaya, I know I watch too much tv, Billy;)
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I fed her today and I guess I didn't give her enough because she laid down in the yard and waited for Mr. G to come home from work. I guess he's more generous in his portion sizes than I am:)
And I love this article about Crocs. I hate these "shoes," too, and they remind me of that shameful "Jellies" fad from the 80's. Their big selling point was that they could be purchased for $1 a pair. Sadly, even at a dollar they were way overpriced. They offered no arch support, thus murdering your lower back and God knows they were as uncomfortable as you could get on the rest of your foot. The plastic pinched at each twist and turn and I applaud the person who was able to sucker so many into buying such inferior footwear.
Flashpoint is continuing to get good ratings, despite the schedule moves. Let's hope CBS leaves it alone.
Why do people get so upset about stories like this in which a couple misplaced their kid at the airport? Shit happens. Sometime you might be in Victoria's Secret looking at a Christmas velvet red bra with white feathers and be so excited by it that you're halfway home before you think, "Hmm, didn't I take a kid with me to the mall?" NO BIG DEAL, PEOPLE!!
Monday, August 04, 2008
Denis' character opens the garage and finds him in the car and slaps him awake.
Teddy: "What are you doing here?"
Tommy (Leary): "Whadda mean?"
Teddy: "Where's Elvis?"
Teddy: "Isn't this Heaven?"
Tommy: "No, it's my garage."