Monday, June 30, 2008

WOW! it really DOES pay to call the company!

Guess what Lexmark sent me in the mail today?! The black cartridge!

Thanks, Lexmark! You rock!!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

my hands are shaking from carrying this torch for you

I watched “Dan in Real Life” starring Steve Carel last night. It was ok. BTW, if you’re putting out a DVD, don’t even bother with “bonus features” unless you’re including a blooper reel. And if you do include a blooper reel, don’t fill it with people bursting out into uncontrollable laughter. At least, give us a clue as to WHY they’re laughing. Doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot otherwise.
My favorite line from the movie was when Dan’s teenage daughter was angry with him because he wouldn’t allow her to see her boyfriend that she insisted she loved. She said, ‘You are a murderer of love.” A short time later they were having a family talent show, and Dan said, “Put me down (on the list).” His relative said, “What’s your talent?” And he said, “murderer of love.” LOL!

I hate to say this, but the guy who does the “ShamWow” commercial is scary looking. ‘Scary’ as in “fulfilling community service requirements” ….

I’m still waiting for my Memo to Me email reminder telling me the new season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List has started when I turned on tv yesterday afternoon and found out Kathy is already three shows into the new season. And there are only six to begin with! The great thing about Bravo is that they tend to run the shows over and over. I got to see all three shows Saturday afternoon, so I’m caught up. I was surprised to see that Tom’s brother is a hottie cop from St. Louis. Kathy got a police escort from her St. Louis show. She seriously needs to play that angle up more. I love Kathy but she seriously needs to stop having work on her face. She’s suffering from Joan Rivers syndrome. Her face is tight, but her neck isn’t and that makes her look even older and more unnatural. And I don’t even get it because Kathy is a pretty woman. She doesn’t need at that surgery, but it does seem rather ironic when she makes fun of celebrities with bad plastic surgery. Cyndi Lauper was on Kathy’s Australian show and she looks great.

I was watching an old episode of Family Feud with Richard Dawson today. The question was, “Name an animal that has a three letter name.” The first guy said, “Frog.” The second guy said, “alligator.” Richard Dawson said, “I thought ‘frog’ was bad until you came along with ‘alligator’.” The funny thing is they both gave it some thought before they answered.

I saw an old episode of COPS from Vegas in which two guys beat the snot out of each other. The officer asked the one if he wanted to press charges, and he said, “Hell, no. This is my brother-in-law. We’re family.”

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Lexmark cares!

I bought a new Lemark printer/scanner/copier last week. This is my third Lexmark and I like them because they're quality. I got rid of the first one because I wanted the 3/1 combo and I would have used the second one with my laptop, but it wasn't compatible with my operating system.

I liked the fact that Lemark included everything I needed. Well, they used to. This time around there was no black cartridge and no USB2 cord.

I have to say that I think it's pretty damn sucky that Lexmark doesn't even include a black cartridge with a brand new product. Their reasoning is that you can do black printing with the color cartridge. That's lame, Lexmark, you're only doing it to save yourselves expense.

That having been said, I called to complain about the fact that there was no USB2 cord included and they sent it to me, free of charge, and I received it within two business days. That's good customer service. It was a "no go" on the black cartridge though....LOL! Trust me, I tried.

yet another reason not to nap in the afternoon..

I dreamed that there was a cop at the house writing up one of our neighbors and my husband. When my husband introduced us and I saw it was an older heavy set cop, I thought, "Why don't the hott ones ever show up at our house?"

Then I dreamed of starting another blog where I could be more sexually explicit and I remember scribbling down that I'd call it "Lets Talk About Sex Baby".....

to sleep perchance to dream.....past 8 a.m.

I love the way food companies push the envelope when it comes to labeling. In their latest commercial, General Mills actually expects us to believe that Lucky Charms is a healthy cereal because it's made with "whole grains".

Mr. G and I DO NOT have the same sleep schedules. He's on vacation this week and I'm off for my regular days, only 1/2 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Every morning now, he insists on getting up ULTRA EARLY so he can get all the work done early and be back in bed for his "all afternoon" nap by noonish. Unfortunately, he drags ME into these plans. This morning we had to hurry and take the dog for a walk, drop off the car to get an oil change, then come home and cut the grass. It was almost 11:30 before I had a chance to get BREAKFAST, then it was off to pick up my car.

Where is Mr. G right now? Napping for the last two hours, of course.

I would rather sleep in till about 10ish and then get started, skipping the nap all together. I already informed him that I am NOT doing a damn thing today and I don't care if I'm up at 5:30 A.M.
I'm fed up with this early bullshit and I have to be at work tomorrow while he still has Friday, Saturday and Sunday to do nothing.

Lifetime is running another "I hired a smoking hot babysitter and for the life of me, can't figure out why/how she stole my husband" movie. From what I can see, here's how it happens: a stupid woman hires a really good looking YOUNG woman to babysit her kids. Then she gets mired in her marital insecurities and her love of her career, and the babysitter makes her move by emotionally supporting the sad, overworked husband. Rule of thumb: always hire an old, unattractive babysitter. 'Nuff said.

Could the commercial trailer for "Eagle Eye" BE any longer?! Ugh. They might as well just show the dumb movie.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

smile and say "Son of God"

Poor Jesus. Ever since the whole crucifixion thing, He can't get a decent gig to save His own life. If He's not showing up on someone's shower tile or in their pancakes, He's sneaking in on their ultrasounds.

No word on whether or not Jesus hammed it up by making rabbit ears behind the fetuses' head when he/she wasn't looking...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

walk on the wild side

Seems like prostitutin' is becoming a big problem in my little 'burgh and the police published the pictures of four 'tutes the arrested the other night. Three women and one guy wearing a woman's wig. Sad to say, the best looking one was the guy with the wig....sigh.

I just finished watching "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins" starring Martin Lawrence and Cedric the Entertainer. In one scene, a grown up Lawrence and Cedric "redo" the obstacle course race competition they ran when they were younger. From the size of both men, the mere fact that Cedric gave Martin a run for his money is rather ridiculous if ya axe me.

Monday, June 23, 2008

dont hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

When men hug on TV--and I'm sorry, but I think they hug WAY MORE than "real" men do--have you noticed they always do that "clap back slap" thing? They hug each other but barely touch chests, then it's like they're uncomfortable so they slap each other on the back several times.

A spokesperson for Amy Winehouse said the singer does NOT have full blown emphysema, as her father first reported, but is showing the "early signs" of it. Sadly, the addict in her probably hears, "Phew! I don't have emphysema. I can still smoke crack," because ya know that's how the addicted mind works. I've been there. Not with crack or cigarettes but certainly with health issues that are affected by my bad behaviors, and unfortunately, until your back is totally against the wall, you keep doing it. I have to admit I'm a tad shocked that smoking crack ONLY gave her an irregular heartbeat and the start of emphysema. Have you ever read the ingredients in that garbage?

The way we treat the mentally disabled in this country is appalling. To shock someone SEVENTY SEVEN TIMES based on a phone call?! And one that later turned out to not even be legit? They need to shock the caller and the jerk who carried it out seventy seven times each. Sadly, the elderly are not treated much better, but they're usually drugged to death. Like my husband said, "I feel bad for anyone who has to go to the hospital and has no family member to speak for them."

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Was it bubble gum or bad karma, let my guru be the judge

I never realized how often I uttered the phrase "I'll have to ask Bruno if he knows" until yesterday.
My husband and I were shopping for a bedspread for his mother and I said, "I don't know anything about your mother's tastes except they're not the same as mine, so I have no idea what she'd like."
Mr. G said, "Hey, I know. Why don't you email Bruno and see if he knows what my mother likes?"
I'm like, "What?"
He said, "Well you ask him everything else, why not ask him this?!"
I can't help it Bruno is now my "go to guy".
And my husband kept this up ALL DAY LONG, simply because I said I was going to ask Bruno if he knew what kind of railroad cars we had been looking at the night before. Oh and I might have mentioned asking him if he knew what 'outdoor furnaces' were all about. LOL.

When we finally decided on a bedspread, I told Mr. G, "Tell your mother that while you loved this bedspread, I hated it, so she'll like it even more...."

OMG! Two of my favorite things: chocolate and natural remedies to heal!!!

I was watching the news the other night when the legalized gay marriages was announced and there was a so-called Christian group picketing with signs that read "God hates fags." This brought up a few questions for me:
1. If God is love, how can He hate?
2. How could God hate anything He created?
3. How "christian" can you be if YOU hate?
4. How "christian" can you be if you label people with derogatory terms such as "fags"?

I heard there's going to be a new Smurfs movie--isn't that smurftacular? Gawd, just the thought of it makes me want to vomit smurficiously. Anywho, they were discussing who should be Smurfette and in my mind there's only one chick who could pull that off--Jamie Presley from My Name is Earl. She'd be perfectly smurfy in the role.

I watched a movie called "The List" starring Wayne Brady the other night. Ok, first clue that this was going to suck should have been the fact that it starred Wayne Brady. Second clue was when the good looking guy said to Wayne, "I never get the girls because they all want you." UGH. Yeah, right. Plus Tatyana Ali was his fiancee. Now according to the ever accurate Wikipedia, Wayne is only 36 and Tat is 29. That just does NOT seem right to me because he looks a good 20 years older than she does.

I was reading the latest edition of County Magazine and they had pics/stories of country weddings. Now we all know I'm a sucker for cops AND cowboys, so I thought this feature was very romantic. One couple even had a beans and franks rehersal dinner over a campfire. I can't help but think, though, that eating beans and franks the night before your wedding is not such a smart idea. Least they didn't eat it right before their honeymoon....

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Jesus loves me, this I know, because the bumper stickers tell me so

This morning while driving to work, I heard that people who plaster bumper stickers all over the back of their car are 15% more likely to commit road rage. You know what that means, right? It’s the “Honk if you love Jesus” people that you have to look out for. Hey, I learned my lesson when the Jesus fish chick FU’ed me because I bought a Snicker bar while paying for gas. There was someone ahead of me anyway. Not like I could have moved things along any faster. Bitch.

For all the people who keep saying demand is the reason for high gas prices, again I’ve heard on the news that demand is DOWN. “Dramatic drop in driving” were the exact words they used. It’s the speculating that’s causing the high prices. I’m tired of people blaming consumers when it’s clear that a lot of consumers ARE cutting back on vacations and unnecessary driving.

Speaking of high gas prices, Female Offspring #1 and I were out shopping last weekend and we pulled next to a beautiful cherry Hummer. Now I hate the Hummer and I think it’s abso-freaking-lutely insane to be driving them unless you live in really rough in the Himalayas. But the paint job on this thing was gorgeous. I pointed it out to FO #1 who immediately began writing something on a piece of paper. When we passed the Hummer, she stuck the paper on the windshield. I asked her if she was complimenting them on the color, and she said, “No, I ’thanked’ them for hogging enough gasoline for four people.“

Advertising phrase that grates on my nerves these days? “Where you at?” All the nuns who taught me English are turning over in their graves hearing that. Well, I guess they is.

Gotta love how McCain keeps using the phrase “transcendental challenge” in all of his recent speeches. Politicians try to pretty all this shit up in the hopes that we’re too stupid to understand what they’re saying. In his new tv spot, he uses the word ‘war’ four times in just seconds.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

i know St. Peter will call my name

I saw a piece on the news for facials containing Nightingale droppings. $180 for a bird poop facial. Have we completely lost our minds in this country? I’m firmly convinced that you could convince people to put vomit on their faces IF you touted the benefits of tighter skin, and charged a high enough price.

I had to take my boss to the doctor’s office this morning and didn’t they have that damn tv turned to Martha Stewart. Grrrrrrrrrr…I can only take so much of her
t shirt making, candle dipping, basket weaving ass before I totally want to choke her. So I waited till the waiting room cleared out and despite the “please do not change the channel” sign on the tv, I changed the channel. But not before the nurse walked in…right as my finger was an inch from the button. She said, “We’d appreciate it if you didn’t change the channel,” and she pointed to the sign. I said, “What’s the deal? You leave the tv on Martha Stewart so women will become seriously depressed and demand prescriptions to happy pills?"

The Lysol commercial where the chick wipes down the kitchen appliances with a chicken leg never fails to GROSS ME OUT.

Monday, June 16, 2008

doctor, doctor, gimme the news

I don't think I will EVER understand the "logic" of the medical community.

My father is a diabetic and every morning they give him orange juice and chocolate milk as part of his breakfast. NOT Glucerna, regular chocolate milk. An hour or two later, they come in and check his blood sugar, find it's high--big shock--then give him insulin to drive it back down. Every time I see him at supper he has a ton of mashed potatoes or pasta. Lather, rinse, repeat ALL DAY LONG. I do not understand this stupidity.

Why don't they just give him a damn box of candy and let him have at it?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

don't look back in anger, I heard her say

What a difference a day makes! Remember yesterday when I was kvetching about my Japanese Knotweed? Last night I was reading the latest vitamin catalog from Swanson and they were touting a new hair vitamin. Mr. G is always looking for something because his hair is thinning, so I checked out the ingredients. One of them was........wait for it........................JAPANESE KNOT WEED!! Yesterday's "P.I.T.A. weeds" are today's "cash crop"!!

Hmmm, I need to get out my calculator for this one since Nicole is only 27 years old: "Forget about surviving 40 years in the music business. Just surviving 47 years of Nicole Richie has been a struggle-and-a-half, I want to tell you. I stand here as a survivor, I want you to know, for all the parents out there." — Lionel Richie, accepting the "Icon" honor at the taping of the TV Land Awards.

Thank God men are easier to start then lawnmowers. Took me about 18 yanks to get the mower started today. Thankfully, Mr. G only takes one yank, and sometimes he's a self-starter;)
I was listening to one of my favorite CD's today while mowing, "What's the Story Morning Glory?" What ever happened to Oasis? Did they disband due to drugs, alcohol or "creative differences"? Of course, creative differences is a nice way of saying "someone is being an egotistical ass and we're tired of his/her temper tantrums".

I watched Million Dollar Password with Regis. Ugh. WAAAAAY too slow. And I felt bad for the one contestant because he was having a hard time coming up with a clue and you could just see him panicking.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

MORE guests

Turns out there are TWO mother cats with TWO sets of kittens. I found this set down in the neighbor's yard playing. The mother cat is always at our house eating. I thought she was no more than four months old herself.

One kitten scampered away before I took this shot.

So let's do the math. Because three people were irresponsible with their animals--2 females and 1 male--we now have a total of 10 cats. Either get your damn pets spayed and neutered or drop them off at the SPCA. Stop dropping them at people's homes or in the woods, causing other's to pay for YOUR animals. It's nothing but sheer laziness and irresponsibility.

damn Japanese and their damn weeds

Awhile back, Dan'l talked about the Kudzu--yet another disgusting Japanese import-- they have growing down South. Wasn't too long after that I saw a show about a woman who takes her herd of goats to various locations in her city sbecause goats LUV the Kudzu.

To my knowledge, NOTHING eats this stupid Japanese Knot Weed. In this first picture, I'm standing BELOW taking the shot. I'm about 5'6" tall and it towers above me.

The stem is like a hollow tube filled with sticky crap. In the fall they dry up, just like corn stalks. This stuff spreads like ...well, bad seeds and is difficult to kill. The root system goes so deep that even pesticides don't do the trick. And I should know, we sprayed it often enough. I even called the County Ag div to see if they could tell me how to get rid of it and the guy said they have the same problem with it growing along the highways. Yeah, but at least they don't have it in their yards!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

i used to rule the world

Did you ever make a split second decision that changed your whole life for the worse? You know nothing is ever going to be the same and you just wish you had that second in time to do over? Yeah, I felt that way when I decided to try out Verizon's new email program. Blows. Totally blows. And there's no going back EVEN THOUGH it says you can. It just keeps taking you to the same new crappy email program. Sigh. Life.

Today was a joyous day: first day of Vacation Bible School. Female Offspring #7 came home with a macaroni self-portrait. I told her I was going to save it, and Male Offspring #2 said, "For sentimental reasons?"

I said, "Sorta. With the high price of food, this might be Monday's supper."

How nice. I'm watching this infomercial with Cindy Crawford, thinking how fabulous her skin looks and if the products work that well, I'm going to buy them. She goes on and on about how the dr. who invented them charges hundreds of dollars for the products, but they're so worth it. They pull up a photo of twentysomething Cindy and put it side by side to fortysomething Cindy and everybody raves at how little she's changed. Damn, those products must be golden! Then I find this quote she gave in Gala Magazine: "I'm not going to lie to myself. Past a certain age, creams work on the texture of your skin but, in order to restore elasticity, all I can really count on is vitamin injections, Botox and collagen… I have a very simple, healthy life, which works miracles. I drink a lot of water, watch what I eat and exercise. But I owe the quality of my skin to my cosmetic surgeon."
Thanks for the deception, Cindy!

Talk about coinkydink. I was discussing the film Juno the other day and today when my issue of Writer's Digest arrived, the screenwriter of Juno, Diablo Cody was on the cover. I think it was very well written, especially the characters of Juno and her parents. Wasn't real wild about Bleeker. He didn't even have that many scenes until the end. And I wasn't wild about the fact that he didn't step up to the plate and support her in any way. Then again, the film skipped from season to season, and I wasn't sure if she had pushed him away or if he was relieved she was handling the pregnancy on her own. What I found interesting about Diablo Cody's interview was when they asked her about the fact that she'd never written a screenplay and how did she begin, she said, "My now ex-husband convinced me to use our last $200 to buy Final Draft, so I just sat down and started writing a movie. It's that simple." Thank goodness for her ex, huh;) Just like Juno, the author even has a way cool name of Diablo Cody. Damn. Why weren't MY parents that creative?!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

i used to roll the dice

Wonder Woman is whack. Apparently Lynda Carter found a dead body while fishing and in one interview I read, she was all, "I didn't do anything special. I did what anyone would have done." DUH. It's not like she saved a life, for Pete's sake. She reported a dead body. The only idiot who wouldn't report it is the one who put it there.

I watched Juno yesterday and I really liked the movie. I liked the store owner, played by the guy from The Office. I think he plays Raine on the show. Anyway, Juno came in and got her fourth or fifth pregnancy test stick and after she took the test, she was in front of him, trying to shake it like a thermometer. He said, "That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Home Skillet." LOL! Great quirky character. Gotta admit though, if this were my baby, I would NEVER even consider giving it to a snobby ass couple like Jen Garner and Jason Bateman. Mostly cuz I don't like Bateman. But seriously, no way. In the beginning, she didn't even want to take time to get to know Juno. She just wanted the kid. I loved the part where Bateman told Juno that his wife had "given" him a room to put all his music stuff and Juno said, "Wow. She gave you your own room in your own house?"

We went grocery shopping this morning and spent over $220. We got home and put all the stuff away, and Mr. G said, "What are you having for lunch?" I said, "Eh, there's nothing in the house." LOL! He slapped my ass;)

Saturday, June 07, 2008

talk about goofy cats

He sits up in the apple tree all day long. What a nutjob. Probably waiting to eat those innocent squirrels who are nibbling on the Leaning Tower of Corn.

true colors shining through

Well, these restaurant owners totally suck.
And what kind of reaction does the owners of Nathaniel's Restaurant think they're going to get from cancer survivors? BTW, I wish they'd change the name of "Cops for Cancer" to something like "Cops Eradicating Cancer." Cops for Cancer sounds like they're in favor of it.

This comes as no surprise. Who didn't know it was just a ploy to benefit the dairy industry?
According to a review of the published scientific literature, claims that low-fat dairy products or calcium can help people lose weight are untrue. Neither dairy products in general nor calcium intake promote weight loss.

Out of 49 clinical trials, 41 showed no effects of diary or calcium on weight, two showed an increase in body weight with a dairy regimen, and one showed a lower rate of weight gain. Only five showed weight loss.

An association between calcium or dairy intake and weight loss has been seen in some "observational" studies, possibly due to other factors such as increased exercise, cutting out high-calorie foods with little nutritional value, or other diet changes.

Friday, June 06, 2008

holiday celebrate

I love the Holiday Inn commercial featuring a professor talking to his "Masters of Business Accommodations" class.
He says, "Let's talk internet. What should you look for?"
Guy #1: "A water skiing squirrel?"
Guy #2: "Sweet Tai Chi moves?"
Female: "Oh, uh ex boyfriends?"
Professor: "Wrong, wrong and Mr. Wrong."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

looks like we have company

I tossed all my flower pots in a corner in the back of the garage last winter. When I went to pick one up today, I found four little eyes peeking at me. Don’t think it didn’t scare the piss out of me either. I thought they were rats! Seems the black and white stray that has been hanging around lately brought company with her.

the bluebird of happiness

Isn't she purdy? I bought her on QVC and the chimes have a BEAUTIFUL sound to them.

i've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll

First Justin Timberlake singlehandedly brought sexy back, and now he and Madonna only have four minutes to save the world. Oh, Justin. Is there nothing you can't do?

On the way to work Tuesday, I heard an interview with Adam Sandler about his new movie, Zohan. The guy interviewing him said, "A lot of people think this is just a "typical Adam Sandler movie", but Adam doesn't think there is such a thing." Yes, there is and it starts with a stupid plot and lame jokes.

I read that the longer a woman breast feeds, the greater her chances that she will not develop rheumatoid arthirtis. And people laughed when I breastfed Male Offspring #3 until he was four.....teen. BTW, when you're breastfeeding and your offspring says, "how 'bout holding my cigarette?" you know it's time to wean him.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

i'm getting a vision....

Stephen Colbert, congratulating Obama for leaving his church: "Good for you. Unfortunately Americans can't vote for a man who doesn't have a church."

Have the people who write fortunes for fortune cookies gotten lazy or am I expecting too much? This is the fortune I got yesterday, "Take a loved one to a movie tonight." Huh? How is THAT a "fortune"?

Maybe I can become a fortune cookie fortune writer? Here's one of mine: "Add 'milk and bread' to your grocery list." See? Every bit as exciting.

This was Mr. G's fortune, "A day without laughter is like a day without sunshine." Geez, that's original. Here's another one of mine, "A day without Jack Daniel's is like a day without sunshine and laughter."

My second fortune was, "You will have a beautiful family." 'WILL HAVE,' people, 'WILL HAVE'. Mr. G choked for a whole minute and a half when I read that one out loud.

Mr. G's second one was, "You will travel with the person of your dreams." Whoa. That one was dead-on: he had to take his mother to the drs. LOL!

My boss asked me to help her look through her medical papers Tuesday afternoon and she had the Dr. Phil show on. I didn't get the first part of this woman's story, but I think her kids were upset by her behavior. Apparently she was meeting men on the internet and having sex with them. For some odd reason, she reminded me of Anna Nicole Smith. It wasn't looks at all, but her blunt way of talking. Dr. Phil asked her if it was true that she had her daughter print up a death notice so she could fake her death on the internet. Debbie said, "Yes, it's true and I'd do it again. He pissed me off." I guess she was chatting up some guy and he said some hurtful things so she wanted him to think she was dead. She said she did it for revenge and "I got it." I'm thinking, how in the world would you know something like that worked? I mean, you're supposedly dead. Unless he posted about it online, but my guess is that if he was a jackass as she insinuated, he wouldn't feel bad about her "death" for too long. Dr. Phil thought she was over the top. I thought she was quite the character. Hey, it's all about perception, people. And some people get all funked out at the first sign of a mental disorder. At the end, the son said, "If you're going to drive 60 miles to meet HotStud137, tell us where you're going." And, taking his rather flippant comment seriously, she said, "I don't know who that is." LOL!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

one of my favorite flowers

<--Purple & Pink Fuschia

Female Offspring #1 has bought me a fuschia every year for the last ten years for my birthday.

viva la vida

I think it might be time to take down my outside Christmas decorations. I was so disgusted with the neighbor's talking Santa from '06 that I bought one of my own. Every time someone walked passed it, he would say, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merrrry Christmas!" I think it's definitely time to slap him in the shed with Male Offspring #1. His voice mechanism is so worn down now that all he says is, "Ho!" Some of my female visitors are starting to get pissed.

I don't know which type of pedestrian ticks me off more. The ones who step out in front of the car and keep looking straight ahead, not even acknowledging that they see a car coming at them at 35 MPH, or the ones who step out in front of you and then give you "the wave", as if to indicate that it was your idea.

Fergie was on the Today Show last week, and she did a really good rendition of the Wilson sister’s Baracuda. She sounded exactly like Nancy. She is in such great shape that her pants looked like they were painted on. There she was laying at the end of the runway, bumping and grinding, and when the camera panned back, you could see about four or five little kids in front of her, staring at her all agog. Their stunned expressions were priceless.

I saw an ad on tv and the guy said, “My grandfather always said ‘surround yourself with good people and they’ll do good for you’.” How coincidental. My grandfather used to give me a similar piece of advice. He used to say, “Get out of my liquor cabinet or I’ll fill your ass with buckshot.”

I don’t use Listerine mouthwash--and that might be a very good thing. I was reading one of those “helpful hints” type sites and it said, “Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your nails looking healthy again.” Ewwww

Monday, June 02, 2008

keeping up with the goddesses

I stopped in to see my dad at the hospital and my niece was "visiting"--if you want to call it that. Actually, she was watching The Kardashians on his TV and texting her friends while he was sitting there. Yeah, nothing like keeping Grandpap company.
Anyway, the nurses came in and took my dad to the bathroom and I was listening to the show while I waited for them to return. Who knew Bruce Jenner was a 'motivational speaker'?!
Here's the funniest thing of all: during one of his speeches, he said, "Surround yourself with positive people."
Now, if you've EVER seen this show, you'll know why that statement is HILARIOUS. Those chicks are FOREVER fighting over stupid, piddly shit that they blow all out of proportion. Bruce needs to take some of his own advice.

Anyway, Dad's coming along slowly, but slowly. Amazing how family politics mucks up everything. My mother wanted to tell my dad on paper that he had a stroke--gee, wouldn't YOU want to know? But my sister "the doctor" has decided that it would depress him. Unlike sitting in a hospital day after day wondering why no one understands you.

I think I've seen "Me, Myself and Irene" about five times now, but NEVER have I seen the complete movie. I saw the middle, then the middle and some of the end. Yesterday I saw more of the beginning and the middle but not the complete end. So when I saw it was on Sunday afternoon again, after missing my opportunity on Saturday, I decided to watch the thing in it's entirety. I stretched out on my Lazy Boy, saw the first fifteen minutes then promptly fell asleep. Apparently I am just not supposed to see this movie....

I hope the tv stations refuse to pick up this "reality" show starring Nick (Bollea) Hogan and how he's starting his life over after his release from prison. The man he put in a vegetative state for life doesn't have that opportunity, what makes Hogan so special that he should profit from this crime? It's unbelievable that he's sitting in jail contemplating how he can make money when his "friend" is in a semi-conscious state. Can you say "selfish bastard"? What really amazed me is when Hulk Hogan said "God laid some heavy shit" on the man that was critically injured because of some of the things "he was into". The only thing he was guilty of was being friends with an asshole.

the leaning tower of corn

Let's see how long it takes them to eat this sucker.

I just know I'm going to look out the window and see some industrious 'coon dragging the whole thing into the woods. "Hey, everybody! Look what I found!"

Sunday, June 01, 2008

fish sticks, anyone?

Denise Richards on Charlie Sheen’s prostitute habits, “That is not the man I married.” PUHLEEZE. All we ever hear about Charlie Sheen is about his penchant for prostitutes, drugs and partying. She thought she was going to be the one who miraculously “changed” him and it just didn’t happen. But to deny it…oy.
And the most unbelievable thing of all is that some OTHER idiot married this guy over the weekend! How long before SHE'S boo hoo'ing that he cheated on her because he 'wasn't the guy she married'?!

Wow. A whopping 39 shows have been canceled for next year, and I’ve only seen three of them: Miss Guided (which I thought was rather cute), Men In Trees (one of my favorites!) and Unhitched (deserved to be canceled).

I watched 27 Dresses today. My rating? Eh, wasn't bad.
BTW, you have to love the movie trailers that are 90% screaming. Really gives you a sense of what to expect.

Once again it was time to pick out summer classes for the offspring and myself to attend. And yes, I’m STILL smarting that no one would attend the “Cookies Around the World” class two summers ago. I was ready to eat my way across Europe. The choice for the Female Offspring was easy. I signed them ALL up for “Adventures in Acting”. Get ready, world. Eight more drama queens in the making. As if they need lessons.
Male Offspring #6 refused to take any classes because there were none about the Bible. Male Offspring #5 refused because there were none exploring the joys of twine. Male Offspring #4 has been ticking me off with his attitude lately, so I signed him up for “Barnyard Bash” where he’ll learn how to “make butter from cream, plant crops, and learn about farm animals”. Yep, he’ll be working. Chew on that one, baby.
Male Offspring #2 and 3 are taking “So you wanna be a rock star?“ where they’ll learn how to write their own song lyrics. Hopefully, none of the songs will include the words “ho,“ “booty call” or “who let the dogs out”. I signed up to take Male Offspring #7 and 8 to “Splishin’ and Splashin” a class that “explores the property of water through experiments and hands on play.” There’s four nights I won’t have to bath them. Male Offspring #7 wanted to take “Mini Scientists,” but quite frankly I can’t run the risk of them blowing up the classroom. Plus that whole bath thing.