Mr. G took me out for Mother's Day this morning. Cost him over $600. I'm sure we're all going to love the new refrigerator.
I can't wait till "weed eater Father's Day".
Thanks to that pre-dating thing on Blogger, I now find it's very difficult to cry and whine about having to write a post on this the most holiest of days, Mother's Day. The offspring were all like, "You're not conning us. Write it Saturday, pre-date and quit yer whining." Aww, there's nothing like the love of children to warm your heart. (And piss you off.)
The best thing about having 16 offspring is Mother's Day gifts!! And this year I skipped the cake--yes, you read that right--and went with the waffle bowl hot fudge sundae from DQ. The pounding earache caused by my lactose intolerance tells me how good it was.
The male offspring pooled their money and bought me a charm bracelet and each one of them bought me a charm. The charms included a pack of Marlboros, a can of Budweiser, a silver spittoon, two cans of Skool, a brown tooth, a marijuana leaf and a miniature bottle of Jack Daniels. Aww, they know the way to a woman’s heart.
Female Offspring #7 gave me several different fancy perfumes for Mother’s Day. [And when I say “fancy,“ I don’t necessarily mean “good smelling," just expensive. ] Apparently FO #7 has been going through magazines for months saving the rub on samples. I almost slit a major artery applying Donna Karan’s Cashmere Mist.
Female Offspring #1 said my Mother’s Day gift was the joy of being her mother. I don’t think so. I can’t spend joy, I can’t smoke joy and I certainly can’t drink joy. However, I can give joy, so I told her to expect a whooooole lot of joy for Christmas this year.
Female Offspring #2 bought me some black cohosh and evening primrose oil for “those pre-menopausal hot flashes and night sweats”. As frustrating as it is that she's making fun of something that's making me miserable, I take pride in the fact that I'm more mature and understanding. With age comes wisdom. I know that when FO #2 goes through it, I will be the first one to put my arms around her, hug her and say, "Who's laughing now, Smart Ass?"
Female Offspring #3 gave me a coupon for “A Week of Silence.” I said, “Does this mean you won’t be screaming at me every time something doesn’t go your way?”
She said, “No, this means you won’t be screaming at me every time something doesn’t go your way. You can rest your vocal cords for a whole week.”
Female Offspring #4 gave me beautiful flowers that she stole out of the neighbor’s yard. The tip-off was the “Welcome to Lurlene’s Garden” sign in the bouquet of tulips.
Female Offspring #5 gave me a subscription to "Unfit Mother's Magazine." Sorry, sweetie. They can't teach me anything I haven't already done...
Female Offspring #8 gave me a poopy diaper and a shirt full of projectile vomiting. Pretty much the same gift I get every day.
Female Offspring 6 told me I could use her motorized Barbie car for a week. Awwww, isn‘t the little bugger sweet? But if I got arrested for driving the Hoveround on the highway, what’s the chances I won't get arrested for driving her Barbie car on the highway? While it would save me a ton on gas, the last time I sat on it, I broke the struts. And various plastic parts, like the wheels, the seat and the entire body. Piece o'crap was probably made by the Kia Corporation. “Do not exceed 25 pound weight limit” MY ASS.
If that’s not an open invitation to sit on it, I don’t know what is!
Happy Mother's Day to all Moms!!