Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Because I love to laugh more than anything--ok, there's something I enjoy more than laughing, but let's face it, there are enough pages on the internet dedicated to that--in honor of my birthday, I'm having a LAUGHAPALOOZA BIRTHDAY!!
Feel free to leave a joke in return, if you'd like:)
"If you're lost and you have a map, people are inclined to help. But I find that it's a different story if you have a globe. 'Hi, could you tell me where the mall is'?"
“To me, swimming is a confusing sport. Because sometimes you do it for fun and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming sometimes I don’t know which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants: uh-oh.”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas. Because the pinata promotes violence towards flamboyant animals. ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizazz. Let’s kick his ass’. What I'm saying is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake I made."
“One time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I recently attended a dysfunctional family reunion. That’s where you’re asked to bring a casserole and an unresolved issue.”
Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, “I want you to be my mistress.”
“What’s a ‘mistress’?” my eight year old granddaughter yelled out.
Just then the man gave the woman a passionate kiss.
“Never mind,” my granddaughter said.
Conan O’Brien, addressing his alma mater’s class of 2000: “The last time I was invited to Harvard, it cost me $110k.”
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife, “I want to take all my money with me,” he tells her. “So promise me you’ll put it in the casket.”
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the casket, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror.
“Surely, you didn’t put the money in there?”
“I did promise him I would,” the window answers. “So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it.”
“Where is everybody?” the cowpoke asks.
“They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang,” says a bystander.
“Why do they call him that?” the cowboy asks.
“Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers.”
“Really?” says the cowboy. “And what are they hanging him for?”
My wife complains that her clothes are so old, they were all made in the United States**
LOVE this one:
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Where have you been all my life?”
“Well,” she says, “for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”
Scene: the bookstore where I work.
Dramatis personae: a father and a son
Son: “Dad, does it really tell you how?”
Father: “How to what, son?”
Son: “How to kill a mockingbird.”
Love this one, too.
During a church meeting on family, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our mortal existence, will we say, ‘I wish I’d spend more time on the job’?” he persisted, “Has anyone ever wondered that?”
“Yes,” said one man. “Right after I got fired.
It took five years of post grad work, but I finally fulfilled my dream of becoming an archaeologist. My first job was a museum supervising a dig in a nearby town. As we worked under the hot sun, I noticed a woman and her son peering down at us.
Seeing me in the hole, covered in mud with a pickax in hand, the mother told her son, “See what happens when you don’t finish school? You end up like him.”
Our family took hours to set up camp on a recent outing. But the couple and three kids who pulled up next to us did it in mere minutes.
“How did you manage that?” I asked the father.
“I have a system,” he said. “No one goes the bathroom until everything is set up.”
My mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look---death row.”
So there I was, tearing my hair out trying to sign up for an online basketball pool. I offered terms like Hoops and Hangtime, only to be told, “That user ID is taken. Please select another.”
I realized I wasn’t the only frustrated one when I saw my last two entries were also taken: ForPetessake and ThisIsInsane.
Satan is seated at his computer working on his “Beezleblog”. His entries?
Monday: Today was Hell
Tuesday: Today was Hell
Wednesday: Today was Hell
Thursday: Today was Hell
Friday: Today was Hell
Another really funny one
Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”
“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job,” Tom asks indignantly.
“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”
“Whoa, how can that be?”
“For problem #46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know’. You wrote, ‘Me neither’.”
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. “You’re going to meet a beautiful young girl, and she will want to know everything about you.”
“That’s great!” says the excited frog, “When will I meet her?”
“Next semester,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
When I was a young Navy recruiter, there was a lot of friendly rivalry among the recruiters from the Navy, Marines, and Air Force. We even had a contest the recruiter who had to deal with the most unqualified applicant. The winner had to buy drinks.
One day, I saw a heavyset middle aged woman walk into the Marine Corps office. Definitely not recruit material. After she left, I gleefully told the staff sergeant that drinks were on him.
He looked at me for a moment, then said, “That was my wife.”