Wednesday, May 07, 2008

downstream of you

I had to take my boss to the doctor’s office yesterday. I HATE TAKING HER TO THE DOCTOR’S!!!
I’m always forced to sit next to someone who is either hacking their head off or vomiting from the flu. And it's a given I'll end up next to someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “personal boundaries”.

I sat beside one lady and it took her all of five seconds to lean over and say, “Why are you here?”

Like we’re in the Big House. "I'm here for the hottie guards....."

I said, “I brought someone to their appointment.”

She said, “Oh. I have a bad odor,” then her voice lowers to one of those “whispers” old people don’t realize everyone in the room is able to hear clearly as she adds, “down there. And a bad itch. I could scratch all day. ”

UGH.

First of all, never tell anyone who is stuck sitting next to you that you have “a bad odor”. Eventually they’ll figure it out for themselves, and you remove the chance of them blaming it on someone else. Secondly, don’t about about the “down there” place to strangers EVER. Unless you write about it in your blog for millions to read and then it’s perfectly acceptable.

My mother called to tell me that a former classmate called and was looking for me. Apparently she’s getting married, wanted to invite me and didn’t know my married name. Seriously, should she be inviting me if she doesn't even know enough about me to know who I married?

My mother said, “She’s having one of those witch weddings!”

I said, “Do you mean Wiccan weddings?”

She’s like, “Same thing. It‘s all about Satan!”

I'm sure the Wiccans of the world will be thrilled to hear they're Satan worshipers.

I’ve never been to a Wiccan ceremony, but this is how my indoctrinated Catholic mind pictures it: Every one stands around in black with 666’s on their foreheads. At one point they all hold hands around a blazing fire and chant things like, “I accept Satan and all his worldly ways.” "We are Satan's sons and daughters." Then somebody slaughters a farm animal and the guys start sucking each other’s cocks. (Note to self: don’t write your posts when you’re horny.)


1 comment:

BRUNO said...

Thanks, but I think I'll stick with going to the more "conventional" type weddings, where the sign glows EXIT, instead of HELL...?