Today I received this email….my “translation” is in italics:

Dearest One, How are you and your family? Hope fine, my Dear I am writing this letter with due respect and heartfelt of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously. (You’ve never met yourself before? Do ya have a mirror?) I am asking for your assistance. I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. (Huh? This scam is never gonna fly if you don’t speaka da Englese) I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. (I’m not the only person you’ll try to screw over?) I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.

I am Monalisa Ego(tistical) and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you .In regards , My late father Dr William Ego, was the personal advice to the former head of state in my country Liberia in west Africa .(Some “personal advice“ from me, Moan-a? Learn to speaka de Englese!) But he was killed along side with my mother during the long civil war and all our properties were totally destroyed. (Hey, when life hands you lemons, you say ‘fuck life’! and get stinking drunk and sleep with whores.) However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (yours Masters Degree in Scams?) which worthy the sum of (US$10.5m) Ten million Five hundred thousand U.S Dollars (awwww, too bad ya didn‘t hit me up when the U.S. dollar was actually worth something. I might have helped.) deposited by my late father in a Vault Company) (Let’s recap: your old man wasn’t smart enough to protect your property and to not get killed in the war, but he was smart enough to put aside a “very important document” in a vault company? Not buying it.)

Meanwhile, I am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foreign person who will help me retrieve the money from Vault Company, and invest it over there and pending my arrival to meet with you. (Yeah, and I’m saddled with 16 ungrateful kids living in a one bedroom trailer. Life? Lemons? Booze? Whores? Remember? ) Furthermore, you can contact me for more information on this. I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your daughter and manage the money. (“take me as your daughter”?! Are you insane? I already have eight daughters I can’t handle!) I will offer you 15% of the total fund. (15%? You cheap foreign bastard! I’m doing all the work and you‘re making all the money? If I wanted that, I‘d get a fucking job!) Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. (Ok, but don’t hold your breath.)

Miss Monalisa Ego(tistical)

I am sending Moan-a the following email:

Dear Moan-a,
I’m really leaning towards helping you. You sound like such an honest person. And the whole “parents dying in a civil war, ” thing. How tragic. I sympathize. My parents died when daddy’s still blew sky high. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t miss that free booze.

I need to know a few things about you first. Are you or have you ever been a practicing lesbian? If we meet, are you interested in some gurl on gurl action? Can my husband watch? Please reply ASAP. My actions depend upon your responses.
L.D. Vinci