Thursday, January 24, 2008

why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

In my never ending quest to see what my Lab would really do if I suffered a heart attack, I faked up another biggie last night while she was chewing on her bone. Fell face first into the carpet, clutching my chest and making all the appropriate "I'm dying, if only there was someone to save me!" noises on the way down. At first she ignored me, then she put her bone on my ass and continued chewing it. Great. So if I did have a heart attack, I'd wind up in the ER with teeth marks all over my ass. How can I twist that into one of those "my dawg saved my life!" stories?!

Because it was really cold the last few days, I took over bird feeding duties during the day while Mr. G was at work. Then I boasted about how much they liked my food trays better. I'm sorry, but tossing slices of bread on the ground blows. I took those aluminum turkey trays and began with a layer of ripped up slices of bread. Small, convenient bite sizes for their little bird (and squirrel and ground hog) mouths. Then I layered that with peanuts in their shells. The Blue Jays LOVE them. Then I layered on a couple handfuls of wild bird seed, fruit and nut mix. Not the cheap Dollar General stuff Mr. G buys. I finished with chunks of peanut butter suet to warm their little bird bodies. Mr. G said, "Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but they ate the bread I tossed out for them, too."
I said, "Of course they did. But when they saw ME coming they landed on my arms and shoulders and began singing, 'Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near' by the Carpenters. Besides, they LOVED the fact that I took the time to buy them suet."
He said, "Oh, yeah, check the dog's mouth. Last I saw her, she was up under the tree eating all the peanut butter suet." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!


BBC said...

Shoot, I had a wife that would chew on my ass if I was dying. Traded her in for an upgrade.

Cold here also, sure am glad I insulated this place well when I re-did it.

They read my electric meter the other day, I expect a bill of about 70 to 75 bucks, but I don't think that is bad for heat and lights at this time of year

*Goddess* said...

I read your comments about the Amish Mantle. I don't know who's making them, but they must be running those full page ads all across the country. They had them in our paper and a week or so later my sister saw them in the Carolinas. Now you're seeing them. They must be making a looooot of money off of them to be running all those costly ads.

BRUNO said...

I figured that's how the bird-feed story would end---"The dog ate it!" Classic!!!

Now, here's another "loyalty-test" for you: Give Mr G a fully-trimmed, slow-roasted ham---with the bone in the middle, of course. Do one of your best-rehearsed "heart-attack" monologues. Then note at the end which one he wraps-up gently FIRST, before he calls the paramedics!

Or then again, he may do like the dog---just lets it hang outta his mouth, while he lays on your ass, and THEN calls for the 'medics...!

*Goddess* said...

LOL! If I threw cabbage in with that ham, there would be no doubt which would get wrapped up first!

My only test for Mr. G is making sure he puts clothes on me BEFORE he calls the paramedics. We were watching Forensic Files the other night and the guy murdered his wife. He made it look like suicide though and they said he "dressed her, then called 911". I said, "Did you hear what he just said? He DRESSED her THEN he called 911." My husband said, "Well it was the least he could do after he murdered her..."

BRUNO said...

"...the least he could do..."! Ya' just gotta LOVE a man who can take you down with a quick, dry-humored one liner!

Make it easy for him---keep one of those "feed-bag" sized, zip-on jogger suits handy!

Roll ya' IN, zip ya' UP, and drag ya' OUT! Simplicity is the mother of invention.....!!!

Lin said...

Oh Goddess, why do people pull those 'what if' dying tests? Apparently my mother was perturbed when she pulled that on me when I was about 5 and I kept on playing. At least I didn't move my dollies over on top of her ass though. Mark would have, DAMHIK.

Birds be damned - if you keep putting out treats like that, I'll be over with my face in your feeder pans!