Sunday, January 20, 2008

a pig is a pig of course of course

<--- My current mood
It was a whopping 5° this morning when I left work, and it's supposed to be 3
° Monday morning. Wheeeee! On the upside, it's not snowing.

I tested a new scale that has celeb names in place of numbers. That way you don't get all crazy if you see you weight isn't going down. (Seriously, does the diet industry view us as total blithering idiots or what?)
My gf got on the scale first and yelled, "I'm Nicole Richie!" Another friend was all, "OMG! I'm Paris Hilton". Son of a bitch. I was Mr. Ed.

Once again the gub'ment is considering sending out rebates to stoke up the economy and get people spending money. Only one problem: once again, they're considering ignoring the very sector of society that would be sure to spend the money: the working poor, who pay SS, but don't make enough to pay income tax. Yes, give that money to Bill Gates and his cronies. I'm sure they'll rush right out and buy themselves some much needed food and gas.

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Fashion Tips
1. Certain things should NOT be sold in certain sizes.
If your rear end looks like two full grown raccoons wrasslin' in a 50 pound bag of feed corn, say "NO" to spandex.
Tight ain't always right. The only place dimples are cute are on your face.
2. There has got to be an age limit on certain articles of clothing. With these little cotton shorts with the words on the back should be 15.
All I'm saying is if the veins in the back of your legs look like the
street map of Greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "Baby Doll."
If your thighs look like the hood of white Toyota van after a hailstorm, you're not "juicy".
3. Tattoos are not for everybody. It's gonna be real hard for your kids to take you
seriously when you tell them to "just say no to drug"s and you got a pot plant tattooed to your neck
4. If you've given birth more than five times, a tank top is not an acceptable substiutute for a bra, and guys,
If your back is so hairy you've been shot twice with a tranquilzer gun, say "yes" to sleeves
5. it is ok to wear a t shirt with nothing written on it, and Guys, If you weigh more than
400 pounds, it's not ok to wear a t shirt that says "no fat chicks".
6. God invented closed toed shoes for a reason.
If you have so many corns you have to put up a scare crow, say no to flip flops.
7. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no gangsta, PULL YOUR PANTS UP.
The back pockets of your pants should not be behind your knees.
8. Husbands and wives should never dress alike unless you're going to a Garth Brooks concert or a Halloween party.


Anonymous said...

No. 4 slays me, but No. 8 kinds irks me. Joe and I work at the same store, and we wear golf shirts with the store logo on it so if I wear jeans we do dress identically some days. Most days I take whatever's clean off the floor but there are days where we don't get a chance to do laundry, so the next morning I have to wear the company uniform. Don't you dare judge me, people!!!



*Goddess* said...

I don't think he means work uniforms, I think he means people like my mom and dad who wear identical jogging suits and identical wind breakers. Sigh.

H2o said...

I wouldn't be able to live in you're neck of the woods. To damn cold....

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Yea, the gubment always thinks about the little man, don't it? And Fox is a genious.