Friday, January 25, 2008

back on the chain gang

Here's an alarming trend: tea bags are now being called "t sacs." It's bad enough that I have to hear about "teabagging," God only knows what they're going to come up with for "t sac'ing".....

Speaking of tea bagging, I was watching a show on E! (gotta get that ! in there to make it legit) about prisoners and the strange folk who write to them.
There is a website for male and female prisoners to post their pictures and bios. Sort of an eHarmony for the criminally insane, if you will.
Anywho, this one prisoner was talking about the things he wrote to scam--I mean, to attract women. First of all, he talked about why he was in prison. He said he and his friend were confronted by another known person and they started fighting. In the meantime, the prisoner ran to get his gun because that's what one would normally do in an altercation and when it seemed like the third person was going to shoot them, he "felt like he had no choice" but to shoot first. Apparently the jury who tossed his ass in jail for life, didn't agree. Getting back to the little bio, he said he wrote that if "murderers frighten you, fear not for this man is as gentle as a dove." [$50 says he'd choke the life out of someone the first chance he got.] Then he said he wrote down things he "likes to do in his 'off time' at the prison." Wonder what that sounded like? "In my spare time, I enjoy jacking off in my cell,
shanking others in the prison yard and plotting to murder the guards. And I can't live without "Days of Our Lives"!"

When I got to work this morning, my co-worker said, "I think Tony (the guy who lives next door)
is having an affair. He leaves every morning before his wife and gets home after her."
I said, "Lord love him. If he's willing to get up that early to chase a piece of tail, more power to him."
I had to laugh, though, how she missed the obvious: he probably has a new job.
Any twit knows you only pretend to leave when you're having an affair. You drive
around the block, park and come back after your spouse has left for the day...or so they tell me.

I forgot to mention what happened to me the other day when I took my dad to the doctor's. I was in the waiting room and it was full of people in their 60's and up.
This lady sits down beside me and of course, I pretended not to see her. Hey, I know the elderly. They always ask inappropriate questions in an incredibly loud voice. Or they tell you their ailments in detail. After a few minutes, she nudges me, and says, in a booming voice, "Can I ask you a question?" Now I thought it was going to be one of the
usual questions: "what time is your appointment?" or "how long have you been waiting?"
or "does that kid gnawing on the magazine rack belong to you?"
She said, "What do you think happened to all the bones of the people that died in Noah's flood?"
Of course, I immediately said, "Noah who? Oh. Oh! Thaaat Noah," as if there were more than one. Ugh. Then I looked at her to be sure she was still interested in an answer. Sadly, she was. I said, "I think that the people of um, Africa and Iraq, such as, don't have maps..."
Hey, if it worked for that blonde in the Carolinas it can work for me.
She says, "My daughter told me whales ate the bones."
Hell, with a blonde like that in the family, what does she need me for?
And, in conclusion, let me just say people ponder the strangest things.

7 comments:

H2o said...

You crack me up...

Anonymous said...

The FIL and MIL came into work the other day to visit, and while the MIL was in the back annoying... er, talking to Joe, the FIL was up front with me, telling me in detail about a day procedure the MIL just had and why. Of course they came right before my normal lunch time. I skipped that day. Seriously gross. Complete with expressive hand gestures, too. *throwing up in throat* And this, people, is why I don't live close to my own mother!

Oh, gawd. I feel ill just typing about his descriptions. I have to go puke now.

Stacey

*Goddess* said...

I hate it when it's someone I DON'T KNOW. Not that it's any more acceptable when it's a family member, but geez. There are some things total strangers do not need to know.

Mushy said...

Hey! I resemble that 60 remark!

I did love the Miss SC line...brilliant!

Lin said...

People who write to jailbirds and hook up with them fascinate me but I figure that they are attracted to losers anyway, they might as well be efficient about it and go for those with the court seal of approval.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ha! I've missed ya' girl, I'm still under the radar, but I couldn't resist popping over to see what you've been getting up to. Glad to see it's been to no good, as ever.. x

BRUNO said...

Just when you think a doctors' waiting room is SO big, someone like THIS comes along, and makes it WAY-Y-Y too small.....!