Tuesday, January 29, 2008

and the beat goes on

Did you ever have a day when you just feel totally off? Totally out of sync with everything and everyone around you? I've been having a week like that. Sigh.

It was fun getting to work today. The roads were slippy--there's a Western PA word for ya--and coated with ice. Lovely.
Sure, the weatherman can put out those repetitive "STORM WARNING" thingies
at the bottom of my screen when we're getting two inches of snow,
but they don't even mention ice.
It took me about five minutes to get out of my car and around the to trunk
because there was nothing to hang on to!

I bought some really cute sugar cookie magnets that spell out "EASTER" for the fridge.
They were so nice that I gave the package to Male Offspring #3 and told him to put them up on the fridge now.
Who cares if we haven't celebrated Valentine's Day yet?
He comes back a few minutes later and hands me the "A" and says, "Too many letters."
I said, "That's weird. There should only be six letters."
I went into the kitchen and saw the word "ESTER" on the fridge.
I knew it wasn't a good sign when he had to repeat pre-K.

TBS is running "Movies Women Want" on Sunday. "What Women Want" starring Mel Gibson? Are you kidding me?!
No woman in her right mind would watch that crap. Heck, even the movie trailers sucked. '

Our one neighbor went psycho on me when I was walking the dog the other day. Came out yelling about how she's peeing up onto his bushes. As calmly as possible I said, "How could that possibly be? My dog is FEMALE. She doesn't pee UP onto ANYTHING." THEN he said, "Well, she's coming in my yard and other dogs are smelling her so they're coming in here and peeing." I said, "Oooh, so it's my dogs fault that other dogs pee in your yard? That makes sense." Here's your sign. It reads "asshole" just in case ya didn't make it out of the third grade.

Monday, January 28, 2008

i lost my license, now i don't drive

Mr. G is THRILLED that I gave him a "Get Out Of Valentine's Day Free" card this year because I told him I'm still basking in the glow of the diamond ring he gave me for Christmas. He said, "What are the chances you'll still be basking in that glow come May when your birthday rolls around?"LOL! He's already sweating that one.I said, "Don't worry, Honey, you're good for my birthday AND our anniversary, too. You don't have to worry about gifts till Christmas '08."

Every now and then on Sundays I see a little of "Girls Next Door," after The Soup runs. "Girls" is the 'reality' show featuring Hugh Hefner and his "girlfriends." I'm sorry, but it is just downright creepy watching them together. It's like sexing up your grandpa. The truth is that God was very good to women, despite the fact that
they bitch and moan about getting a period. With a little Astroglide and lots of moaning, we can fake up enjoying sex with ANYONE. Yes, even Grandpa Hef. *shudders* The one segment I saw the chick was flashing her boobs and Hef was eating his breakfast grapefruit, blissfully unaware, which I'm guessing is how he spends most of his day.

I was reading a news story that said kids are using a secret ring tone to text during school. Apparently the tone is higher than adults can hear, as our hearing levels decline as we age. If kids have the hearing range of a canine, why can't I get a response to my questions when they're sitting two feet away?

The medical community never ceases to amaze me. There was an article on a "surgery that could cure diabetes" in some people. They were talking about the lapband surgery, which is like gastric bypass, but using the
band around the stomach. I was wondering what it was that made that specific surgery aid those with diabetes, so I read on. The article said that it could "cure diabetes" in some people because after they had the surgery, they lost weight and the weight loss brought the insulin levels down, etc.
Now INSTEAD of telling people to exercise more and lose weight, that the combo could possibly "cure diabetes" in some people, they're encouraging them to have surgery. That is so typical of the medical community. What they're NOT saying is that if you continue to make junky food choices after the surgery you still run the risk of getting diabetes.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

life's been good to me so far

I saw a commercial for Brady Barr's show in which he wears a ridiculous hippo costume to mingle among real hippos.
He also tried it with alligators. (Or crocs. I can never tell them apart.) It's no wonder people get killed when they disturb wild animals.
People like to think animals are stupid, but I'm sure they can smell a human. Whether it's wearing a lame costume or not.

While I'm on the subject of commercials, tax time brings one back to the airwaves that I absolutely detest. It's the H&R Block commercial where the husband tells the wife he's "stuck" while working on their taxes. She says, "Why don't you ask for help? Oh, that's right. You got the box." She passes it to him and says, "Why don't you tell the box you're stuck," and over the sound of him being continuously pussy whipped, we hear him say to the box, "I'm stuck." I dislike companies/ads that make men look like idiots.

I was watching "Husband For Hire" yesterday on the Oxygen channel.
Hey, it beats that murder, kidnapping, incestuous philandering stuff they show on Lifetime. (Barely.)
The cast included Mark Consuelos (Mr. Kelly Ripa), Erik Estrada and Mario Lopez. Sounds like a winner, huh?
The premise of the movie was good, but that's about all. In order to inherit her trust, Lola
must marry before a time limit her late mother has placed on the ceremony passes.
Her fiancé (Lopez) cheated on her with her sister, so she seeks out a replacement fiancé (Consuelos) at the last minute and grooms him for the role of husband.
Erik Estrada plays the asswipe of a father who must decide if the man is good enough for his daughter. He tells Consuelos that Lola shouldn't blame Lopez for cheating since it's always the woman's fault when a man strays. Then he tries to convince Lola to marry Lopez
despite the fact that he cheated on her. Yeah, Dad's a great judge of character.
I wanted to tase Officer Poncherella myself at that point.
In the movie, Mark Consuelos said he felt like he "could do anything." Apparently he wasn't talking about mastering a decent accent.
He didn't seem to know whether he was a Texas cowboy, a Latino, a po', stupid, hick lawnboy who wanted to sing. Every few minutes,
he'd throw in the word "ain't" to remind us that he wasn't rich like the woman he was marrying.
The Soup ran a clip from this movie in which Mario Lopez "dances"--if you want to call it that. He had a bulge in his pants the entire time.
No doubt from him getting off on how hot he thinks he is. At the end of the dance, he says, "I used to be in Menudo."
Joel McHale said, "He would have been better off telling everyone he was a registered sex offender." LOL!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

i give up

I HATE IT when I'm in the bathroom and my husband comes in and says, "Hurry up. I have
to go." Um, hello? I'm not exactly in here playing bingo myself.

Jerry Seinfeld used to say that a sure sign a man had given up on himself was when he started wearing sweats. I've discovered the sure sign that women have given up on themselves is when they start doing everything in their pajamas, robe and slippers. We've all seen them at the bus stop with the kids, shivering and smoking, shivering and smoking. And you know that you've REALLY given up on yourself when you show up at the GROCERY STORE IN THE WINTER wearing pajama bottoms and sling back slippers. Don't even give me the excuse that there aren't that many people at the store at 7 a.m. I was there, and in my opinion, I was one too many. And I don't want to hear the excuse that you "just ran in for milk and bread" either. Leaving the house requires PANTS, SHOES and UNDERWEAR! It's not rocket science, and it's not that much of a hardship to put 'em on.

well i'm a bad ass cowboy living in the cowboy days

We were watching some eps of the first season of the Wild, Wild West last night. As we watched, I realized I only remembered three things about the series:
1. Robert Conrad was SMOKIN' in that sexy short waistcoat he always wore. Not an ounce of fat on that body.
2. They had cool gadgets to get out of any situation
3. The show had a catchy theme song

Course Will's song was rather cool, too...

As was Cartman's....LOL!

Speaking of Cartman, this is one of my all time favorite South Park clips, where they go a little crazy on the F word after seeing the Terrance and Phillip movie:

Friday, January 25, 2008

back on the chain gang

Here's an alarming trend: tea bags are now being called "t sacs." It's bad enough that I have to hear about "teabagging," God only knows what they're going to come up with for "t sac'ing".....

Speaking of tea bagging, I was watching a show on E! (gotta get that ! in there to make it legit) about prisoners and the strange folk who write to them.
There is a website for male and female prisoners to post their pictures and bios. Sort of an eHarmony for the criminally insane, if you will.
Anywho, this one prisoner was talking about the things he wrote to scam--I mean, to attract women. First of all, he talked about why he was in prison. He said he and his friend were confronted by another known person and they started fighting. In the meantime, the prisoner ran to get his gun because that's what one would normally do in an altercation and when it seemed like the third person was going to shoot them, he "felt like he had no choice" but to shoot first. Apparently the jury who tossed his ass in jail for life, didn't agree. Getting back to the little bio, he said he wrote that if "murderers frighten you, fear not for this man is as gentle as a dove." [$50 says he'd choke the life out of someone the first chance he got.] Then he said he wrote down things he "likes to do in his 'off time' at the prison." Wonder what that sounded like? "In my spare time, I enjoy jacking off in my cell,
shanking others in the prison yard and plotting to murder the guards. And I can't live without "Days of Our Lives"!"

When I got to work this morning, my co-worker said, "I think Tony (the guy who lives next door)
is having an affair. He leaves every morning before his wife and gets home after her."
I said, "Lord love him. If he's willing to get up that early to chase a piece of tail, more power to him."
I had to laugh, though, how she missed the obvious: he probably has a new job.
Any twit knows you only pretend to leave when you're having an affair. You drive
around the block, park and come back after your spouse has left for the day...or so they tell me.

I forgot to mention what happened to me the other day when I took my dad to the doctor's. I was in the waiting room and it was full of people in their 60's and up.
This lady sits down beside me and of course, I pretended not to see her. Hey, I know the elderly. They always ask inappropriate questions in an incredibly loud voice. Or they tell you their ailments in detail. After a few minutes, she nudges me, and says, in a booming voice, "Can I ask you a question?" Now I thought it was going to be one of the
usual questions: "what time is your appointment?" or "how long have you been waiting?"
or "does that kid gnawing on the magazine rack belong to you?"
She said, "What do you think happened to all the bones of the people that died in Noah's flood?"
Of course, I immediately said, "Noah who? Oh. Oh! Thaaat Noah," as if there were more than one. Ugh. Then I looked at her to be sure she was still interested in an answer. Sadly, she was. I said, "I think that the people of um, Africa and Iraq, such as, don't have maps..."
Hey, if it worked for that blonde in the Carolinas it can work for me.
She says, "My daughter told me whales ate the bones."
Hell, with a blonde like that in the family, what does she need me for?
And, in conclusion, let me just say people ponder the strangest things.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

In my never ending quest to see what my Lab would really do if I suffered a heart attack, I faked up another biggie last night while she was chewing on her bone. Fell face first into the carpet, clutching my chest and making all the appropriate "I'm dying, if only there was someone to save me!" noises on the way down. At first she ignored me, then she put her bone on my ass and continued chewing it. Great. So if I did have a heart attack, I'd wind up in the ER with teeth marks all over my ass. How can I twist that into one of those "my dawg saved my life!" stories?!

Because it was really cold the last few days, I took over bird feeding duties during the day while Mr. G was at work. Then I boasted about how much they liked my food trays better. I'm sorry, but tossing slices of bread on the ground blows. I took those aluminum turkey trays and began with a layer of ripped up slices of bread. Small, convenient bite sizes for their little bird (and squirrel and ground hog) mouths. Then I layered that with peanuts in their shells. The Blue Jays LOVE them. Then I layered on a couple handfuls of wild bird seed, fruit and nut mix. Not the cheap Dollar General stuff Mr. G buys. I finished with chunks of peanut butter suet to warm their little bird bodies. Mr. G said, "Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but they ate the bread I tossed out for them, too."
I said, "Of course they did. But when they saw ME coming they landed on my arms and shoulders and began singing, 'Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near' by the Carpenters. Besides, they LOVED the fact that I took the time to buy them suet."
He said, "Oh, yeah, check the dog's mouth. Last I saw her, she was up under the tree eating all the peanut butter suet." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

belinda was mine

This was playing on the radio tonight when I was cleaning the kitchen. Always makes the work go so much quicker when you're singing, dancing and mopping.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

i'm still standing better than i ever could

Some days I'd love to slap my mother in law upside the head. All this fuss over Mr. G's sister getting everything good out of the house, and she never mentioned ONE WORD about the fact that the new mattress that went with our bed was moved UPSTAIRS and put on another bed until today. I flipped this mattress yesterday and I said to my husband, "if this is a new mattress, rarely used, how is it that there's coffee stains on it? And why is this "new" mattress so much flatter than ours that we bought like five years ago?" So when he was visiting her, he asked her about it, and she said, "Oh, your dad moved that mattress upstairs the first week we got it because he didn't like it." Wonderful. Now his sister managed to get a brand freaking new mattress and box spring set, too.

Ugh. After just four episodes of Here Come the Brides, I'm all brided out. Everything is drama with those chicks. "Get us a decent place to sleep or we're going home," "get us a doctor or we're going home," "get us husbands or we're going home." Freaking GO home already! Gawd, I must have liked Bobby Sherman a heck of a lot to put up with his stuttering, bashful logger character.

My gf is majorly pissed because her out-o-work husband is spending so much time in their new garage. I said, "First of all, he's home.
Leave him alone. Secondly, any time a guy puts a heat source in his garage, he plans to spend a LOT of time there."

lewis black on how we've managed to screw up wa-wa

"The good die young, but pricks live forever." LOL! I love that line.

Monday, January 21, 2008

well that just freezes my ass

Bruno? Lin? Maybe you'll have answers to this one for me. I worked nightshift over the weekend and it's been in the single digits here. The boss told me to let the water run slightly so the pipes wouldn't freeze in the upstairs bath. I *thought* I was supposed to let the cold drip because that was the one that was more likely to freeze and she said she thought that was right, too. (Knock wood, we haven't had problems with pipes freezing even when it gets to be in the 40's in our place. I'm thinking because our water pipes run right past the furnace and probably heat up quickly, but this is why I was unsure of which spigot to let drip.)
Anywho, the first two nights, I didn't have a problem. Last night, however, the HOT WATER froze. The cold water was running on all three floors and the hot was running on the lower two. (She has a gas water heater that is always heating. It's not on any sort of timer.)

I'm thinking--and this is what I'm not sure about--that if she loosened the pressure on the spigot upstairs and waited until the day warmed up, the pipe would probably unfreeze on it's own and that she wouldn't even have to bother to call anyone in to unthaw it. Is that correct or will allowing it to unthaw like that cause problems?

I don't understand why it freezes on the HOTTEST floor? Hot air rises and the upstairs bathroom is always one of the warmest rooms in the house. Is it because the water has to travel the farther to the third floor?
The pipe involved is on an INside wall in the bathroom, but when it comes downstairs, it's on an outside wall for the first floor, then inside again in the basement. Strange thing is that when I first began working there, the pipe was on an outside wall in the bathroom and we had no problems whatsoever. Then the boss hired some two bit jackass to re-do her bathroom and he moved the pipe to the other side (the inside wall) for a shower, and we've had problems ever since. Two years ago he came and SUPPOSEDLY wrapped the pipe with insulation and the wire that heats up and it was turned "on," but it still froze. Ok, help!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

a pig is a pig of course of course

<--- My current mood
It was a whopping 5° this morning when I left work, and it's supposed to be 3
° Monday morning. Wheeeee! On the upside, it's not snowing.

I tested a new scale that has celeb names in place of numbers. That way you don't get all crazy if you see you weight isn't going down. (Seriously, does the diet industry view us as total blithering idiots or what?)
My gf got on the scale first and yelled, "I'm Nicole Richie!" Another friend was all, "OMG! I'm Paris Hilton". Son of a bitch. I was Mr. Ed.

Once again the gub'ment is considering sending out rebates to stoke up the economy and get people spending money. Only one problem: once again, they're considering ignoring the very sector of society that would be sure to spend the money: the working poor, who pay SS, but don't make enough to pay income tax. Yes, give that money to Bill Gates and his cronies. I'm sure they'll rush right out and buy themselves some much needed food and gas.

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Fashion Tips
1. Certain things should NOT be sold in certain sizes.
If your rear end looks like two full grown raccoons wrasslin' in a 50 pound bag of feed corn, say "NO" to spandex.
Tight ain't always right. The only place dimples are cute are on your face.
2. There has got to be an age limit on certain articles of clothing. With these little cotton shorts with the words on the back should be 15.
All I'm saying is if the veins in the back of your legs look like the
street map of Greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "Baby Doll."
If your thighs look like the hood of white Toyota van after a hailstorm, you're not "juicy".
3. Tattoos are not for everybody. It's gonna be real hard for your kids to take you
seriously when you tell them to "just say no to drug"s and you got a pot plant tattooed to your neck
4. If you've given birth more than five times, a tank top is not an acceptable substiutute for a bra, and guys,
If your back is so hairy you've been shot twice with a tranquilzer gun, say "yes" to sleeves
5. it is ok to wear a t shirt with nothing written on it, and Guys, If you weigh more than
400 pounds, it's not ok to wear a t shirt that says "no fat chicks".
6. God invented closed toed shoes for a reason.
If you have so many corns you have to put up a scare crow, say no to flip flops.
7. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no gangsta, PULL YOUR PANTS UP.
The back pockets of your pants should not be behind your knees.
8. Husbands and wives should never dress alike unless you're going to a Garth Brooks concert or a Halloween party.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

guess that's the difference between being mature and being an a grandstanding asshole

Kiefer Sutherland was in jail for 48 days and hardly a word has been said about it. I didn't even know he was IN jail.

Paris Hilton was in jail only a few hours when she created such a stink you would have thought it was the second coming of Jesus.

what kind of world would you want?

Bugs sends this Five For Fighting link. Click on any of the videos and $ will be donated to the charity listed.

"We are all connected to one another through our actions. Each person has the ability to make a difference. This is one of the messages of the Five For Fighting video "World."

Tell the world what kind of world you want and raise money for charity by making and uploading a video of yourself, your friends or your family--whomever and whatever--answering the question, "What Kind Of World Do You Want?"

Or, you can raise money for charities that John Ondrasik of Five For Fighting has personally selected. Watch any clip on this site and money will go to the charity listed with that video. "

i swear you're just like a pill instead of making me better, you're making me ill

You probably know by now that I'm a big "keep it natural if possible" nut, and this article is hardly encouraging.

If you care for or have an elderly parent, CHECK THEIR MEDICATION LIST FREQUENTLY. Know what they're taking and why they're taking it. If you don't think they should be taking it or if you feel they're taking too much medication, discuss it with their doctor.

I've seen too many elderly people in this country taking medicines by the handful. They are over medicated and it can be the cause of a lot of confusion and forgetfulness. Simply taking too much OTC Tylenol can cause hallucinations in some of the elderly population, so any time there's a "sudden" health problem, check medications and side effects first. Don't automatically assume they have Alzheimer's, as is the case with a lot of people.

Most importantly, you can't rely on the doctor to always do what's best for you. He is not God. And let's face it, there are those doctors who like to take the easy way out and toss pills at you for every problem under the sun. They don't want to find causes, they only want to treat symptoms and get you the hell out of their office. You have to educate yourself about your problems and your meds. Know what you're taking and what it can do to you, and if there are any alternative medications available. Case in point, I have a friend who is on Avandia and is suddenly showing signs of an enlarged heart. When she asked her doctor if she should go off the medicine because of recent news reports about Avandia and heart conditions, the doctor waved her concerns aside and said, "Just keep taking it." And the sad thing is that instead of finding another doctor who will listen to her concerns, she's still taking the medicine and complaining to everybody else about what a lousy doctor she has.

Friday, January 18, 2008

tidings of comfort and joy

Do you have a favorite "comfort food" that you enjoy on really cold, snowy nights? Or if you're in a warmer clime, on cold, rainy nights?

For me, it's pizza. I don't know why, but when I'm driving home on wintry nights, I crave cheese pizza sumptin' awful;)

What about you?

put another log on the fire

This is one weekend I'm glad I'm working nights. It's supposed to be bitter cold and the boss always keeps her place nice and cozy. Mmmmmmmmm....h--e--a--t.

You know what part of the cloned human story I don't believe? That they were destroyed.
Scientists are too egotistical and they enjoy playing God too much to do all that work and then destroy it.

I see Time Warner is going to try charging people for bandwidth based on usage and not charge the usual flat fee, so it would be based on how much they download. Glad I don't have them. I don't think I'd like that, and I like knowing my wifi is a certain cost each month.I know I don't download much of anything anymore because it seemed like every time I did, I was getting a virus. But knowing how much my internet is ahead of time Helps me budget better. I remember when we first got the computer and Gateway charged by the hour. We had 150 hours free, then we were charged. One month's usage for DIAL UP cost me $95. They told us there was no way for us to be able to track how much we were using online each month unless we did it manually by writing down the time. And yet, THEY could keep track. I dumped that service right quick. Heck I could have purchased about 5 months of dial up at that price.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

baby, it's cold outside

Snowin' and blowin' and freezing cold temps...now THAT'S the way to enjoy a good mug of white chocolate hot cocoa. Ahhh, all is well with the world. Guess I better stop at the store and buy myself another box of this stuff. It's supposed to be a whopping 4 on Saturday. And that's the high;)

I heard this on TV this morning and it made me laugh and laugh. Dana Devin, the chick from the entertainment show Extra told people to check out her blog where she talked about "what it's like to present at the Globes." BWAHAHAHAHA! How would she know? She read the noms and the winner from a card in front of a room full of tv reporters. Wow! That is almost identical to the real thing! Personally, I'm glad the stupid awards were canceled and I wish they'd all be canceled. They're such a waste of time and money it isn't even funny. As if actors and actresses aren't self-indulgent enough.

This just steams my vegetables. It is totally unbelievable. I saw a report on The Today Show about kids not wearing coats in the winter.
Yes, it WAS unbelievable that the Today Show would devote any time to this stupidity, but that's not the most shocking part. The kids are going without coats and they're saying it's "cool." Yet I "accidentally" sent all my offspring to school without their coats and the only word I heard was "NEGLECT"!!! Not one cop said, "Wow! That's outstanding!" as they were hauling my ass away.

Gawd, trying to figure out what the dog wants is like playing charades with a lousy partner. She was sitting beside me staring at me for the better part of a half hour so I know she wanted *some*thing. I have to ask her, then gauge the enthusiasm with which she wags her tail? "Do you need water?" Eh, barely a wag. "Do you want out?" No wag at all. "Do you want to play with your toy?" A wag, but an under enthusiastic wag. "Food?" WAGGETTY WAG WAG WAG. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. If only I'd gotten a pointer. This would all be so much easier.

Now that I told him he can get westerns on NetFlix, Mr. G is loving it. I felt bad always getting movies for myself, but when I'd ask him, he wasn't interested. Then when I told him he could get the complete series of The Rifleman and Wild, Wild West and Big Valley, he perked right up. That Rifleman rifle WAS his favorite toy of all time, ya know;) And that reminded me of Here Come the Brides, a show with Bobby Sherman I used to LOVE. Although it was hard buying Bobby Sherman as a logger. So this time around he's watching the first disc of the Big Valley, season 1 and the movie version of Lost in Space. After watching the first show, he said, "I never realized what big pussies these guys were!" LOL! I said, "Come on. You're always calling Little Joe a pussy." I'll never forget the day I realized how BAD Batman was. I used to live for that series. The acting and dialogue was so campy and ridiculous. When one of the villains nabbed the Boy Blunder, Batman actually said, "Unhand that boy or I'll demand to know the reason why." Yes, it was so bad I remembered it verbatim.

I was flipping channels and saw some dude showing expensive fashions and a cheaper version knock off of each. One lady said she spent a $1000 on a purse and he showed a $20 version that was almost identical. Maybe it's my twisted way of thinking, but I'd rather pay $20 for a purse and have the $980 to carry around IN it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

goin' down that long, lonesome highway, bound for the mountains and the plains

What I'm listening to: Fatboy Slim
What I'm reading: "Writing the Great American Romance Novel."
What I'm eating: everything in sight
What important thoughts am I thinking: do I do enough to help others? do I matter?
do I still have that Snicker bar hidden under the couch cushion? and will anyone catch me eating it and force me to share?

Sylvester Stallone has made the wise decision to NOT appear shirtless in his upcoming Rambo movie. Thank you, Sly. Now if you could have just talked some sense into Tim Allen.

There was a $300 charge on my credit card that I didn't identify so I called the company. Seems someone in
my family ordered 50 tins of mins shaped like crosses and 75 packets of jelly bean treats called "Colors of Faith".
Gee, I wonder which Bible totin' offspring that was?
Male Offspring #5 said he's going to pass them out to all of his friends on Valentine's Day.
At which point, Male Offspring #1 yelled, "Friends? You don't have any friends!"

I am embarrassed to say that I went on one hell of a bender last night.
At some point I must have passed out. When I woke up, there were open containers everywhere.
Gawd, I'm so ashamed. I know this stuff is no good for me, and yet I continue to indulge whenever I can. Now I"m sneaking it.
In one night, I had key lime pie, strawberry, peaches and cream and Boston cream pie. Oh, did I mention this was a low fat yogurt bender? Yogurt that I shouldn't even be eating because I'm lactose intolerant! I'm also lactose close-minded. I BLAME THE YOGURT INDUSTRY!! Those oddly shaped six ounce containers are hardly enough to fill up a three week old. I have to grind my spoon around the edges about 50 times to get all the yogurt that sticks under the edge of that dumb container. No, it's not lickable like a box of ice cream. Plus, yogurt is thin and smooth, and it just slides down your throat and fills in the empty spaces of your belly. Fine. it's loaded with sugar, damn it, which is why I've been sucking it down by the gallon lately. There. I said it.

My boss had the TV on this morning and some entertainment show had yet ANOTHER story about Britney Spears, and they began with, "...in this continuing story that will not die." Gee, I wonder WHY it doesn't die? The ironic thing is that I don't think Britney was this popular with the media when she was popular. I think it's sad they're cataloging every screw up she makes, then they always add that fake sincerity bullshit saying how "concerned" they are for the children. Yeah, that's why they're constantly belittling every move their mother makes on world wide television.

"Queen Latifah announced yesterday that she's joining the Jenny Craig weight management program in an ad campaign beginning this month. Queen's campaign will be a little bit different -- emphasizing a healthy lifestyle rather than getting into a specific dress size."
Translation: just in case she doesn't lose much weight, she's covering her bases ahead of time. Makes you wonder why she's even bother--oh, yeah...the $$$$.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

don't you wish your blog was hot(t) like mine?

Some celebrity needs to get out there and screw up big time, because if I see one more article devoted to that stupid Miley Cyrus "controversy," I'll spit nails....a talent that really only comes in handy if you're in roofing. So another chick stood in for her on stage for a few seconds while she was changing costumes. OMG! OMG! The world as we know it is OVER!!! One idiot actually said they felt "betrayed." Are you freaking kidding me?

Ok, now that I've seen some of Shaun of the Dead, I understand the ending
of Hot Fuzz better. They both had the same stupid over the top ending. Hey, I didn't say I liked it any better.
Heck, it's even the same two guys, Simon Pegg & Nick Frost, something else I didn't know.

Over the weekend, I watched Wild Hogs and Shrek 3. Shrek 3 was funny. Wild Hogs with Tim Allen and John Travolta wasn't bad. Wasn't hilarious, and it was full of a lot of the typical motorcycle riding/motorcycle song scenes, but it wasn't horrible either. The scene that made me laugh was the four of them, Allen, Travolta, Macy and Lawrence against a gang of bikers. I thought, "Yeah, those middle aged dudes are going to whoop ass with all these bikers. Puhleeze." Then it dawned on me that Ray Liotta, the head gang dude, was probably every bit as old as Travolta and Allen! Martin Lawrence was the youngest of the group. I think it's always funny, though, when an actor gets the shit beat out of them in one scene, then before the scene is even over, they're up and walking around like it's no big deal. No trips to the E.R. No BandAids.
I do have to say that it's apparent in more ways than one that Tim Allen isn't a chick. If he was, there's NO WAY on God's green earth that he would have appeared shirtless without working out first. Ugh. His saggy man boobs and flabby arms did nothing to enhance the image of the "getting better as they age" male. It had more of a "ick factor".
My favorite scene was when Macy saw a biker's tattoo, then showed the biker his tattoo of the
Apple computer apple and said to him, "Nice tat. Where did you get it?"
The biker said, "Leavenworth. You?"
Macy replied, "Meadow Hills Galleria."
Another funny scene was when the sheriff and his men were hiding from the bikers, too.
When Allen asked him why they weren't going out to defend the townsfolk, the sheriff said, "Like the sheriff of a town of 500 people, I got my qualifications from a course on the internet. For arms training they told us to play "Doom". "
I had to laugh when Macy stepped off his bike and fell flat on his face after a long ride,
saying his legs had fallen asleep. Yeah, getting old is a bitch.
The Extreme Home Makeover ending was cute. The best scenes in the movie, though, were those featuring singer Kyle Gass at the fair. He was HILARIOUS singing The Pussycat Dolls hit, "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me."

Thursday, January 10, 2008

we've got to tell the king the sky is falling down

I watched Chicken Little last night. It was cute, especially the ending when Hollywood stepped in and made a movie of the falling sky incident. In typical Hollywood fashion, NONE of the actors looked anything like the "people" they portrayed. The pig, which was portrayed by a SWAT type hog, said, as he watched his character in awe, "This is amazingly accurate!"
My favorite part was when Chicken Little was on his way to school and he got stuck in gum on the street. He told Abby Mallard, "I had a run in with my old nemesis." She said, "Gum in the crosswalk?" Chicken Little said, "He won this round." LOL.
Then when they were playing dodge ball,the gym coach said, "Divide into two teams: the popular and the unpopular."
Why is it though, that in most of these "children's movies" one or both of the parents are dead?
As far as voices go, I think Joan Cusack and Steve Zahn are really good in these animated movies.

what a dick

I can't believe Dr. Phil actually tried to save his ass over this whole Britney Spears mess by saying he planned to air a show so that parents in a similar situation could be helped. Who would that be exactly? Other than Mrs. Lohan. And why in the world would the Spears family be so stupid as to ask HIM to help their daughter? Why wouldn't they find a qualified psychologist in the private sector? Does everything have to be about publicity for their family?

if you want my body and you think i'm deceased, come on baby let me know

Damn. Talk about Dumb and Dumber. You'd think they would have at least tried DRIVING the guy in a car instead of pushing him down the street where anyone could see he was dead. Oy. And what in the world were they going to do when the lady asked to see him and they said they'd go get him?! They've been watching "Weekend at Bernie's" too much.

Bugs got a kick out of the fact that the check cashing place was called "Pay-O-Matic"!

Thanks, Bugs!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

It was a cup of good intentions, a tablespoon of one big mess

One of my siblings gave my dad a 6 pack of Coke in collectible glass bottles for Christmas, despite the fact that my dad is way too old to begin collecting anything at this point in time. It had the original Santa on them or some such nonsense, and my dad was thrilled with them. I was visiting yesterday and my mother was watching my nephew's little boy. We were sitting in the living room talking and he came walking in drinking soda. I said, "Where did you get that pop?" because my mother NEVER has soda at her house. It's always coffee, and if you don' t drink coffee, you're shit out of luck. My nephew's son said, "In the kitchen. Go get one. There are five more bottles out there." Ouch.
My mother went running out to dining room--no doubt to warn my dad not to fly off the handle and scare the crap out of the little boy--and my nephew's son showed me his Leapster math game. You have to get the answers right before you advance to the next level. What a rip off. I had to keep getting the answers from him. I can't see making the questions so hard that only an eight year old can get them right.

I received the movie "I Think I Love My Wife" starring Chris Rock yesterday, and coincidentally, as I was starting to put it into the DVD player, a Chris Rock special came on Comedy Central. Now I've seen Chris on Oprah lots of times and I've seen parts of his monolgues, and what I've seen I've liked, so I decided to watch the special. Totally soured me on the man. The whole thing was "white people this" and "crackers that." But that's ok, as long as it's a black person making fun of a whitie. What really made me laugh was when he was talking about there are no wealthy black people in this country. Not rich, but wealthy, as in passed down from generation to generation. There are lots of black celebrities, sports figures and musicians so I would think it's up to THEM--Rock included--to see to it that there are wealthy black people in the next generation. But, of course, that's the white man's fault, too, I'm sure. Now I'm not even watching the damn movie. Fuck it.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

put another log on the fire....and adjust the AC, will ya?

It is sooooo hard to enjoy a steaming mug of frothy French Vanilla Hot Cocoa on a 66° day. How DO you Southern Californians and Floridians do it?!

Monday, January 07, 2008

monday monday sometimes it just turns out that way

What ungrateful offspring I have. They're still complaining about their crappy Christmas gifts! I finally said to
Female Offspring #5, the biggest whiner, "When I was your age, all I got for Christmas was a big cardboard box!"
Male Offspring #2 said, "What was in the big box to begin with?"
Me: "Uhhhh, well, my brand new bike with high handle bars and a gold
banana seat with sparklies. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!! I loved that box!"

Don't you love those Visa commercials where everything is moving smoothly
until someone pulls out CASH and puts a spanner in the works, and everything grinds to a halt? Why don't they show what happens when someone steals your Visa card? Let's see that that brings everything to a stop.

Mr. G and I went grocery shopping on Sunday and I bought one of those fancy schmancy
panini sandwiches I keep seeing advertised. I will admit it was delicious, but
putting sauce, cheese and mozzarella cheese on a slice of toasted bread is what we call a 'po' man's pizza'.

I hate it when I email a random blogger I'm not really familiar with about something on their blog, and they immediately slap me on their mailing list and start sending me daily emails. We haven't even established a "blogging relationship" yet! This one person has begun sending me daily emails full of "what's coming next on my blog" and "positive thoughts". Here's MY positive thought: I positively wish he'd stop sending me this crap! I've read many times that the way to boost your readership is via a regular email newsletter list, but if people want to join that should always be their perogative. I only read the guy once or twice, but these emails are so annoying that I won't go back now. Jokes are fine, but this sort of stuff is not cool unless someone requests it. Period. BTW, I think the most important part of a newsletter is the UNsubscribe information! Naturally, his doesn' t have it.

You know how I love to watch the animated kid's movies like The Polar Express and Cars and Over The Hedge? Truth is they're usually better than most mainstream movies these days. I checked NetFlix's suggestion list in this genre, and Ratatouillie rated rather high, so I decided to rent it. What in the world was Pixar thinking with this flick? No way in HELL am I able to suspend disbelief so much that I can accept RATS COOKING MY FOOD. Sorry. It's not happening. I was OK with the movie up to that point, although it was waaaay too long. This is one of the first movies of this genre that bored me. Then made my stomach a tad queasy.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

would you be mine? could you be mine? won't you be my neighbor?

I was watching King of Queens today and this soooo reminded me of my husband....and Bruno, cuz they seem like two peas in a pod. Carrie and Doug were getting new neighbors and Carrie suggested they go over and say 'hello.' Then she decided against that, saying she didn't want to give them the "wrong idea....that we want to be friends." Doug said, "I think I'll start them off with a wave, then I'll wean them down to a nod. And not a friendly nod either." LOL!

All through the Christmas season, I kept feeling like there was something important I was forgetting to do, but I couldn't think of what it was. I just kept thinking I needed to do something important. Yesterday morning after work, I stopped at the grocery store and a guy coming out motioned to my car and said, "Dumping your Christmas tree?" I looked at the evergreen tree still strapped to the roof of my Rio and said, "Umm, yeah, uh huh. That's where I was going with it..." Thank God he noticed. I might have been riding around with that thing on my car till July.

Ok, here's a great new business venture for someone with money, which leaves me out: a vibrator store where you can check out the vibrator BEFORE you plunk down your hard earned $. Of course, you should only be allowed to test it out once, otherwise, you'll have those cheap chicks testing the same one out every day, several hours at a time. Nothing is more FRUSTRATING than shelling out $40 because your vibrator is slowing down, only to find out the new one is even SLOWER. That's right, FRUSTRATING, she said with first-hand knowledge!!!!

Speaking of trying things out first, does anyone own the Buxton Organizer? I keep seeing it advertised on TV and it shows them putting in everything and the kitchen sink, and I"m wondering if you can really fit that much stuff in it. I don't like big, bulky purses and this one looks nice enough, but I don't know if it's as "expandable" as they claim.

I was working on crossword puzzles yesterday and IM'ing Female Offspring #1 who ALLEGEDLY took four years of French, including two years of honors French. She's only been out of HS for about seven years and she can't even remember two and three letter words, like summer, which I believe is 'ete'. Mr. G said, "Well, all I can remember from four years of Spanish is "it's meatballs, don't you know," and "is this baseball?'." Oy. Unfortunately neither of those phrases were on my crossword puzzle. But I could NOT resist saying, "Honey, how many times in one's life does the phrase, "it's meatballs, don't you know" come up? I mean, seriously." I didn't study a language in school, but I was trying to teach myself some Spanish and I can at least remember my phone number....just in case I ever get lost in Spanish Harlem, which is highly unlikely since I never leave da 'court.

I bought some caramel rice cakes a few months ago, and Mr. G liked them.
They were crunchy and the caramel gave them a little sweetness. Yesterday he came
home with two bags of plain, unsalted rice cakes. I said, "Honey, why did you buy these dumb things?"
He said, "They were only fifty cents at the outlet store." I said, "Yeah, but they have no flavor. They're gonna taste like styrofoam."
He said, "That's okay. I'll smear 'em with peanut butter." Thus, defeating the entire healthy/sugar free purpose....sigh.

I loooove that story CNN is running about how eating burgers, ice cream and pizza is HEALTHY for your waistline. Sure, it is. They say the burgers are good because they're full of protein. They're also full of fat. Ice cream is supposedly good because it aids you in weight loss. Sure, that's why it's chock full of sugar and fat. Pizza? Healthy? It's full of cholesterol from the cheese (and fat), refined carbs from the dough and sugar from the sauce. Oooooh yeah, it's healthy all right. Course these are the same mainstream idiots who keep saying how great milk is in losing weight and people are stupid enough to believe that, so I'm sure lots of them will believe this, too.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

i now pronounce you a "not half-bad" movie

I just finished watching "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry," which my gf assured me "wasn't half-bad." There was more substance to the movie than I thought there would be, but most aspects of it were just too ridiculous for me to ignore. The movie starred Kevin James and Adam Sandler as NYC firemen. James had to marry in order to keep his benefits for his kids. Sandler was the lucky "bride."
The first thing I had a problem with was believing EITHER of these two guys as NYC firemen. Have you heard? My spread in Playboy just debuted. The second was Sandler as a ladies man. Please. He is just a pocket protector away from being the kid who sat next to you in math class and ate his own boogers. He does not have enough charisma and charm to bag five or six chicks at one time. He does, however, have the MONEY to bag five or six chicks at one time, but I digress.(And NO WAY IN HELL is Sandler NYC Firemen Calendar material!!! I don't care how much money he has!) The third thing I had a problem with was Sandler's portrayal of a gay guy. He came off as more retarded than gay. On the positive side, Kevin James had the most believable hair piece he's ever had. It seemed like each new season of King of Queens brought a new hairpiece, each worse than the last.

On a totally unrelated note, Overtime Hawg told my boss that we "all lie" and we're "all picking on her."
Now if you'll excuse me, but I'm taking all my toys and going home!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

is my box hott or not?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that televisions are going to switch from analog to digital broadcasting on February 17, 2009. If you don't have a digital ready tv, you need a converter box. The government is giving a $40 coupon for the boxes and you can apply for one online by going to www.dtv2009.gov or by calling 1-888-388-2009. The boxes are going to cost between $50 and $70.