Tuesday, December 30, 2008

sugah sugah

I probably SHOULDN'T do this, but I feel so much better when I do, so starting New Year's Day, I'm going "sugar free" again.

For the life of me, I don't know how people can do this for years. The longest I've been able to maintain it was six months. Then I got a whiff of sugar and went insane, much the same as a crack addict getting crack after a long period of being clean. I don't remember anything, but I woke up in bed naked with Ghirardelli wrappers all around me. The shame.

My downfall is always the same. I'll be cruising along in sugar free gear and I'll think, "Ya know, I could eat sugar today, then tomorrow, I'll go right back to sugar free. I promise."
Just then, a little voice in my head begins screaming, "NOOOO! Haven't you learned your lesson, jack ass?! You've been down this route a million times! It won't work! It never works! DON'T DO IT!!"
I think, "Well, ok, I'll do it! This time it'll work!" Yeah, it works as well for me as it would for the aforementioned crack addict having a "little" crack.

For me, going 'sugar free' is a lot like having PMS. For three days, I want to kill everyone that looks at me, much less speaks to me. The bad thing is I have associated sugar with feeling good for so long that when I can't have the sugar, I get depressed and anxious. If you're not an emotional eater, you won't understand that statement at all.

But physically I feel so much better. The first thing I notice is that my stomach loses that "heavy" feeling. The second thing I notice is that my knees and other joints feel sooooo much better, no stiffness and no aching.

Time to begin my New Year's "Evolution":)

Monday, December 29, 2008

"ooo, I love this next part.."

Have you ever been annoyed by someone at the theater talking during a movie? Here's a simple solution to the problem.


My nephew came in from out of town to visit my mom yesterday, and he brought his kids with him. His 8 yr old daughter knows everything there is to know about everything. Not only can she name all the different variety of dinosaurs, she can name the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Care Bears and all of the apostles. Unlike my offspring. I once asked my offspring to name the apostles and the most common response was, "You mean those four or five dudes that hung out with Jesus?"

While we were visiting, my mother passed out some delicious looking candy canes. I loves me some Christmas candy cane! Just as I was about to put it in my mouth, my nephew's daughter came running over and said, "Aunt Goddess, do you know what the red in the candy cane represents?"

I said, "Why, yes, I do." Because even when I don't, I always pretend I do. Just to screw with them. "The red is for Santa's red coat."

She said, "No! The red is for the blood of Jesus."

Oooooo k, suddenly that candy cane wasn't looking so appetizing anymore...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

paws and claws

One of the stories I saw about Eartha Kitt's passing this week mentioned "Catwoman" had died....

But as far as I'M concerned, there's only ONE Catwoman--Julie Newmar. Purrrrr! She's so sexy, I wanted to be her:)

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree your branches artificial delight us

I woke up this morning to discover the offspring had taken down all of my Christmas decorations and packed them away.

They were so energetic that they dragged the Christmas tree outside just in time for curbside disposal. Unfortunately, it was an artificial tree....

Thursday, December 25, 2008

please have snow and mistletoe

Christmas Eve was a rather subdued affair this year with Dad being gone.

We all got together and celebrated but it seemed like so many of us were just going though the motions, trying to be "happy" because it was the holidays.

I imagine about lot of us were thinking about the family members we've lost, wondering if we'll all still be together for next Christmas, and wondering what 2009 will bring for us.

The weather didn't cooperate either. It was rainy and muddy. Seems like this is going to be one of those winters where we get a lot more ice/freezing rain/sleet than snow.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

this little light of mine

I was in the bathroom earlier this evening, putting the finishing touches on my Christmas "do" and Female Offspring #7 came running into the room.

She said, "Mommy! Mommy! There's a woman on TV who says you have to find your light."

I said, "It's right here, honey. I'm fixing my hair under it. "

por favor

Hott Cops has been nominated on a police blogs site in the "Best Police Friends" category.

Please take a minute and vote for my site. * insert girly eyelash fluttering here*

WORDS OF WISDOM: "When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

on the sunny side of the street

I have no idea what my "Christmas mood" really is these days. It has been an incredibly weird couple of weeks. You know I lost hours at my other job? At the very same time, a relative's relative was looking for help. The hours meshed perfectly with my other job, so I could keep them both. I was only about a mile from where I currently work now, so driving wasn't an issue either, and the pay was great. Over the weekend, the relative of my relative, who is under incredible stress trying to deal with her parents care and her job and her marriage, flipped out on my relative, the only person who was willing to help her, even when her own siblings would not. Unfortunately, I got caught in the cross fire and shit canned out of spite. Oh well. Evidently I wasn't meant to be there.

Monday, December 22, 2008

ho ho...uh oh....

why do i do this

I was watching Bill Burr this morning and I love his bit about the guy in Target cuz it's soooo true. Previously he had been talking about how us "normal" people should carry around chloroform rags with us so we can take out the "crazies" when they start going off in public.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

it's christmas time in the city

NOBODY makes romantic Christmas commercials as well as Kay Jewelers does, and this years is THE BEST. This guy takes his girl out and says, "Remember this?" And she says, "Oh, this is where we first met." Then "this is where we had our first date," and then, "This is where we had our first kiss." Then he takes her to a park and she says, "I don't remember this place." He gets down on one knee and opens a jeweler's box with an engagement ring in it and says, "You will." Damn, that's hella romantic!

I'm so tired of these people on dating site commercials saying, "When you own your own business, you're just too busy to date." or "My work keeps me too busy to meet people and date." THEN WHY ARE YOU PIMPING A DATING SITE?!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

it's a wrap!

Why they don't let men design Christmas wrap....

Why they don't let men design Christmas cards....

Thanks, Bugs!

Monday, December 15, 2008

love these two!

Sarah Maclachlan does such a wonderful job with these two Christmas songs. They've become two of my favorite. The videos don't go with the songs, but you can still appreciate her voice.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

cool deal for us oldsters with vinyl albums

If there's one thing I know about my skimmers, it's that most of them are old like me and own LP's.

Check this out.

It turns your LP songs into MP3's! Unfortunately, most of my albums are like me: warped.

I didn't know this even existed, but I'm sure you guys did, cuz that's the second thing I'm sure of: most of you are way more tech savvy than I am:) Now if I can just find a way to turn my 200+ cassettes into MP3's....sigh.

sunday shakedown

Mr. G and I went grocery shopping bright and early because I had to go into work later in the morning. We checked out at 9:30 on a Sunday morning during the height of the Christmas shopping season at Wal Mart. Guess how many checkouts--manned by actual people--were open? THREE. That’s right, at a time when stores are supposedly begging for customers, we were lined up ten and twelve deep for three lousy registers. Ironically, I noticed most of us were buying groceries, not toys and junky gifts.

For the last several years, a co-worker and myself were responsible for doing all the Christmas decorations at work. No mean feat since my boss seems to have bought every damn Christmas decoration on the planet. We have to lug all the boxes downstairs, slap the stuff up, pack it back up and re-lug it all back upstairs, all the while Overtime Hawg does JACK SHIT. Our hours have been cut quite a bit recently, and the job is pretty much coming to an end in January, so my co-worker has decided to quit. I know that much of what my co-worker and I did was unappreciated, which is why she decided to jump ship early. When our hours were cut, Overtime Hawg continued to work and get paid for 14 more hours than the rest of us, even though I’ve been here the longest. When I approached the boss and asked her why this was happening, she gave me a blank look and said, “I don’t know,“ as if she’s not the one signing the checks. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I decided that it was time to sit on my ass collecting a paycheck doing as little as possible like OH has done since she started. It has been a hoot and a holler, let me tell you. OH hinted around several times for me to get started on the decorating, but Homey don’t play that. Finally last weekend, she had her husband bring all the boxes down--she doesn’t do ANYTHING for herself. [Her husband works a full time job then comes here and does any physical work she needs done. And he’s 72!]The decorations sat there for seven days. I think she figured if they brought them down, my co-worker and I would do them.
I wish I would have saved thenote she wrote me because I would have posted the damn thing, it was so funny. She left this note telling me that the boss was crying because no one put up her Christmas decorations. At the bottom of the note, I wrote, “Yeah, I was wondering why you hadn‘t put them up, too.” LOL! Last week she left me a note asking me to do two things and I wrote back, “In the amount of time it took you to write this note, you could have done this yourself,” and I didn’t do it If I see something that needs done, I do it. I don’t pass the buck to someone else, and I resent her doing it to me. I said to my husband, “When this job is over, I HOPE TO GOD I never have to work with this woman again.” It was funny because later that day, my co-worker said, “The best thing about quitting is I’ll never have to see OH again.” Great minds think alike.

the simpsons has ruined me for learnin' stuff!

I started watching An Inconvenient Truth yesterday afternoon and Al Gore's monotone lulled me right to sleep. But not before I saw this funny cartoon at the beginning. Yes, I'm so immature I can only learn through cartoons now. This looks like it was made by the folks who make The Simpsons, but I don't know.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

whenever you look at me i wish i was her

I love the new commercial for the movie Valkyrie. The announcer says, “Tom Cruise gives his best performance in years.” So basically he’s been putting out shit all these years.

I was watching some music videos the other day and I saw one for Adele’s “Chasing Pavements.” Now Adele is not the skinny, gorgeous Beyonce type singer that we see so often these days, she’s an average looking woman, like so many of us in this world. It came as no surprise to me that many of the shots of her in the video are from far away where she’s shadowed or close ups of her face or from the neck up. Hell, even her album cover is the upper part of her face, consisting of a closed eye and part of her nose. God forbid the music industry should inadvertently send out the message that you don’t have to be good looking to have talent. Sadly, she has fallen victim to “Ann Wilson Syndrome”. Check out old Heart videos when Ann was thin and then those shot when Ann got chubby. Ann and Nancy got equal billing until she gained weight. Suddenly, Ann was subjected to tight close ups of her face or long shots in the SHADOWS, of course, while Nancy was front and center in sexy clothes. The chubbier she got, the less she was shown. Another victim of Ann Wilson syndrome? Carnie Wilson. For about every fifteen times they showed her fellow band mates, she’s seen once. Speaking of Adele, I love her song "Cold Shoulder".

Just a Christmas "heads up" for ya: on December 18th several companies are participating in a free shipping, with guaranteed delivery by Christmas day.

Friday, December 12, 2008

mama, don't your babies grow up to be auto workers

I would love to strangle the Senators that don't want to help with the auto industry bailout, especially the ones that say they won't give the money if the workers don't take a pay cut.

That's the mentality of these people in Washington: don't take the money from the top where they make and WASTE the money, take it from the working class. One car company paid Tiger Woods SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS in endorsements. Ford paid MILLIONS to have some dumb ass stadium to slap the word Ford in it's name. So, of course, what's needed is to continue that frivolous spending and take the money from someone who is trying to feed his family and keep a roof over his head. God forbid that a U.S. worker should be able to get ahead financially in their job.

The United Auto Workers DID agree to some concessions, they did agree to reduce their benefits, but apparently that wasn't enough for those in the Senate who want to break the union and leave the workers with nothing.

When Wall Street came begging, the Senate didn't say, "hey, no money until you cut out the fat," and "no money until all the CEO's and bankers take pay cuts." No, they just handed them whatever they wanted, without even assuring someone would be accountable for that money. And when some of those companies came begging again weeks later, guess what? They gave them MORE money. Now that it's time for the Senate to step up and take care of the WORKING CLASS in this country, they can't be bothered. No, let's put three million people out of work. Drive this country even further into economic collapse. That'll show 'em!

I wish every elected official in Washington and even local governements had to work and live one year on minimum wage with NO BENEFITS during their term. Maybe they wouldn't be making these asshole decisions if they remembered what it's like to be an American worker.

When are we going to learn in this country? We're trying to get off of foreign oil dependency, and now we're going to be dependent on them for our CARS?

and a partridge in a pear tree

This past week I received a lovely Christmas card from our neighbors to the North, Stacey and Joe. While the offspring were upset that "Aunt Stacey" didn't enclose any Canadian nickels in their card, I was bitterly disappointed she didn't have it hand delivered by a Canadian Mountie. Hey, that's the way we roll here in the States!

Whoopers: fat, cholesterol and a heaping serving of controversy. I heard on the news yesterday that the folks at the World Hunger Organization are pissed by these ads, too, because of the amount of money Burger King is wasting on them, saying that money could be used to feed people. Hey, Burger King can't be concerned with feeding the world's poor. They're too busy introducing heart disease to a whole new group of people!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

dudley do right

Some freaking do-gooder on my Christmas card list sent me $10 and told me to "add some $ to it and give it to a deserving person." Pay it forward, as it were.

I thought, "Wow. What a great idea."

I added another $10 to that, gave the $20 to my husband and he took me out to Ryan's Steakhouse for lunch.

Gee, I hope this do-gooder does this again next year. I really enjoyed the meal:)

Speaking of Ryan's Steakhouse, COULD YA MAKE THOSE ROLLS ANY SMALLER?! I could eat JUST rolls at Ryan's, they are that good. I loves me some yeast. But they've gone from huge to teeny meeny size. I know restaurants have to cut back, but couldn't they cut back on stuff like veggies? Stop screwing with my beloved ROLLS!

Have you seen the new Burger King commercials in which they go all around the globe and conduct taste tests with burger virgins. They decided between the Whopper and Big Mac. The commercial ends with, "Looks like he/she has a taste for the Whooper." And heart disease and clogged arteries.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

weighty issues

Oprah needs to just SHUT UP about her weight. It's such a joke that she sits at the head of a woman's magazine and her television show and tells other women to love their bodies and that they're more than their weight, then she makes it all about her weight. She's sending mixed messages that indicates she's living a lie. She needs to stop making it such a public issue. We get that it's a problem for her, but we ALL have something that keeps tripping us up in life. For some it's food, for others it's drugs, money, alcohol, mental problems, employment problems, etc. We all have something. But time and time again, Oprah loses weight, then gets all preachy, then falls off the wagon. The message from The Universe just might be to SHUT UP and deal with it privately.

We have a FABULOUS little "outlet" store here and yesterday morning I went shopping. I'm now the proud owner of six St. John's Bay thermal undershirts and henleys. Cost? 2 for $5. Yep, GREAT STORE. They get all sorts of merchandise from stores that are going out of business and sell it at terrific prices. And they have everything from candy to cookies to stationery supplies to pet supplies to herbs to clothing to laundry stuff. I don't know how many times I bought stuff only to find it there for a fraction of the price.

the deer hunter

She's got that "don't even touch muh deer bone!" expression on her face;) As IF.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

crackin' my nuts

My gf gave me some PGX SlimStyles shake mix to try. SUPPOSEDLY, it's full of water soluble fibers (Konjac-mannan) that expand several times over when you drink water with it. The full feeling allegedly keeps you from eating. Let me just say, that I have NEVER, EVER been so damn constipated in my entire life. And I really don't understand that because fiber should help you go. I drink a gallon of water a day, most days, so I know it's not because I haven't had enough water. Regardless, I'm FINISHED with this stuff.

Mr. G bought me the Nutcracker stamps for my holiday cards because of the many, many designs, this is all they had at the post office. Well, this and the Baby Jebus, but He needs an updated stamp. May I just say they are BUTT UGLEE, not to mention scary looking. Geez. Hardly Christmassy at all.

Ok, I'm off to the chiropractor. Laters!

away in a manger, no crib for her head

On this day, long ago, in a land far away, a young virgin lay in a barn giving birth to her babe. Ok ok, I wasn't a virgin, it wasn't a barn and the comfy hospital was only ten minutes away from home. Gimme a break, will ya?

Happy Birthday to Female Offspring #1!

Monday, December 08, 2008

feats of accomplishment

Mr. G rolled over in bed this afternoon and said, "We've had sex three days in a row!"

I said, "Honey, we used to do that all the time."

He said, "Yeah, but that was when we were younger."

HEY! Some of us are still young.

perfect comeback

I hate it when grown men wear their baseball caps backwards. It looks so juvenile.

I was watching Fred Claus the other night and a kid had his hat like that.

Vince Vaughn said, "Do you have a new rap album coming out? Then turn your hat around and wear it like a real man."

*applause applause*

Sunday, December 07, 2008

visiting the oldsters

Once again my husband has returned from an 'old people' Christmas party, bitter and confused. I keep trying to tell him that old people hold younger people hostage at these sorts of events by withholding good food, but he won't listen.

Last year he went to the party at the home where his mother lives and had to sit through carol singing, 26 old people sitting on Santa's lap, 26 old people having their picture taken with said Santa, and 26 old people opening their gifts. If you have no idea how long something like this would last, envision your hyped up children doing all of this, then slow down the process about 1000 excruciating times over. Alas, he came away hungry and angry.

I said, "Look, old people are smart enough to know that the only reason you're showing up is for the free food. They're going to withhold it as long as possible because they know you'll leave the minute your belly is full."

My grandmother used to be the QUEEN of this. She'd invite you for a meal and say, "We'll eat at 2." By six o'clock you were in tears, begging Grandma for food. She'd be all, "It's my food and I'll put it out when I'm good and ready. Now shut up, and eat another puffed wheat ball and a glass of water." By eight, your stomach was so bloated from the puffed wheat and water, you didn't care if she EVER put out the real food.

Merry Christmas, old people!

welcome to your life

Do you have music video moments that really stick out in your memory? For some reason, the beginning of this video, where the little boy is dressed as a sheriff and points his guns at the passing car has always stood out in my mind when I think of this song.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

stuff, stuff and more stuff

I read that the President and Mrs. Bush are going to buy a home once they leave the White House. Yeah, they're probably the only two people in the country who could get a mortgage.

Gawd, I just hate it when I accidentally shoot my husband during sex.
It is such a mood kill.

OMG! I hope this wasn't a double cheeseburger from McDonald's because that WOULD be a crime! They're my favorites:)

Bugs sends this funny site concerning "Tacky Christmas Yards," and she pointed out the
"hate mail" section as being read worthy. This afternoon, I was watching this video of a house in Pittsburgh and I was LMAO at the comments and how they got soooo off topic. I love the synchronization, but that song sucks. Thanks, Bugs!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

forward, ho!

If you know me well enough to send me email forwards, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT send me stuff like this. I received the picture in this piece and I haven't been able to get the damn image out of my head since. I may act like I don't give a shit about much, but this sort of stuff disturbs me greatly. It's why I can't watch grisly murder films. I relive it over and over in my mind. This picture is totally gross and while I get that it's just the product of a sick mind and photoshop, it still upset the hell out of me.

I love getting funny forwards and jokes, but not this PLEASE.

the customer is always disappointed

I can see why Rite Aid is struggling to stay afloat financially. Yesterday was the first day of their weekly sale, so I thought I’d go in right after work and pick up the three sale items I wanted. First up, a pair of ear plugs that were $4.99, free with a $4.99 rebate. They didn’t have them because they “don’t normally carry them.” It’s a freaking SALE ITEM in your paper. If you don‘t carry it, don‘t advertise it. Next up were their bath sets. They ranged in price from $3.99 to $12.99. I wanted a couple of the $3.99 sets so I could keep them on hand for “emergency gifts.” They had tons of $12.99 sets and a couple $9.99 sets, but no $3.99 sets. I was batting a thousand. Lastly I wanted a tube of their Crest Pro-Health Whitening toothpaste. I read a magazine review of the various whitening toothpastes and this one received the best rating. It was on sale for $2.49 and there was a dollar coupon in the paper. Of course, they had none. To add insult to injury, when I went onto the Rite Aid website to complain, their email server was as shitty as their stores.

Interesting. Some family doctors are considering not giving vaccinations to children because every time they give certain shots, they lose money. And here I thought the health of our children was the most important thing to consider.

I'd like to say, "wow, isn't it great that there are still companies like this around?" but I can't since it was bought out by the Swedes. However, what a wonderful company Peer Bearing must have been!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

one of my favorite Shrek the Halls moments

Puss in Boots tells his version of The Night Before Christmas


Thanks to Bugs for sending this....

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that . .....Ralph was too tired..'

God is good.

"Are you there, Dog?" Pt 2

I cleaned all the meat off of the turkey carcass and decided to put it out on the back porch for a little while so the cats could pick it clean. About ten minutes after I put it out, I looked out the window and there was the neighbor's dog dragging the whole thing up the street....LOL!

Where's a camera when ya need one:)?

"Are you there, Dog? It's me, Goddess."

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m., and the house was dark and quiet. I knew the dog was lying on the floor when I went to sleep, but I couldn't see her. She usually spends half the night with me, and half the night with Mr. G.

Sometimes she snores as loudly as two people and other times, like this morning, she's so quiet, I can't even hear her breathing.

I rolled over and said, "Are you there, dog?" and I heard the quiet thump, thump of her tail on the carpet.

I went back to sleep. All was well in my world.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Believe in the power of Santa

you PMS like a bitch, i would know

Today is a high holy day in Pennsylvania: first day of deer hunting season.

I should have KNOWN better than to let those kids come home for Thanksgiving. Now I can’t get them back on the airplane to boarding school. I had to tell them we were going to Disneyworld to get them on in the plane the first place. I don’t think they’re going to fall for it a second time. Sigh.

Speaking of the offspring, they were very concerned that I’ve lost more than 3/4's of my hours at work. Or as they put it, “OMG! You’re not going to be HOME WITH US, are you?!” Just for that, I’m putting off job hunting until after Christmas vacation. I want the offspring to bask in the glow of me….until they‘re screaming for mercy.

Today as I was wrapping Female Offspring #7’s Barbie Christmas crap, I was thinking how Barbie has it made in the shade. She has her own three story dream house, several “other” houses, a plane, horse, a Volkswagen, windsurfer, glam vehicle, pool, beauty salon, boat, Corvette and a Jeep.
But then I thought about all she’s had to do to sustain this sort of glamorous lifestyle. Barbie has been a dentist, doctor, nurse, pediatrician, surgeon, vet, hair dresser. She’s been in the army, the navy, the air force AND the marines. Freakin’ overachiever. She’s been a firefighter, cop, life guard and Canadian Mountie. Too good to be an EMT, I guess. She’s been an astronaut, pilot, stewardess, and a NASCAR driver. She’s also worked at McDonald’s, been a chef, cowgirl, business exec, babysitter, waitress, taught several different languages, was a designer and hair designer as well as a paleontologist. Her college tuition bills must be THROUGH THE ROOF. I wonder why Barbie has never done porn? Think about it. All she does is lay there with her big fake boobs, vacant stare and painted on smile. She’s a natural!

I was thinking back to the toys my family had when I was little, and one of my favorites was a hobby horse on springs. We used to ride that sucker as intently as if we were rounding up cattle…LOL! We had a blast with that thing. Probably where my love of cowboys came from. Course now days, the hobby horse would have to be motorized.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

grief is like a moving river that takes you to a different place every day

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but my dad loved to collect coins. His dad saved coins and he saved coins. He even saved a set of coins for each of us from our birth year, and gave it to us when we were mature enough to know not to spend it all on candy. (I got mine earlier this year, and those gummi worms were delish.) Even as adults, we’d all save our coins and he’d go through them checking dates to see if we had any old ones from years he needed for his collection. In my mind’s eye, I can see him sitting at the dining room table with his magnifying glass, coins scattered everywhere, carefully checking each one.
I was watching tv with my boss during lunch today and they had a commercial for some sort of new commemorative coins. I turned to her and said, “You know, if my dad was still alive---” and then I stopped, because I suddenly realized the significance of my words. I couldn’t believe how sad and strange it felt to hear those words coming out of my mouth. Sigh.

Friday, November 28, 2008

*loosens up the old belt*

Thanksgiving was a lovely affair. The pies were DELISH, as well as the rest of the food. (Notice dessert gets first billing?;) I forgot how much I enjoy cooking. Ok, it was the whiskey that made it fun. I had fun dressing the turkey, but I will admit that it was difficult getting his little shoes and socks on.

Female Offspring #1 brought a "friend" home with her, and he's visiting from another country. He was telling us of his family holiday traditions. The offspring were "oooh'ing and ahh'ing" about how fabulous it was, and not to be outdone, I said, "We have some wonderful traditions in our family, too."

Of course the offspring backed me up by yelling, "We do not!" "WHAT traditions?" "Nuh uh!"
I said, "We DO have traditions. What about Grandma? Every year she gets drunk and starts screaming about how we're all out of the will. That doesn't just happen by accident, ya know. And for the last ten years, we've avoided going to your Aunt Carol's for dinner by telling her we all have the flu. Another time honored family tradition." Geez.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

enjoy the toikey!

This could also double as a Christmas poster, I'm sure:0)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
I am allll about the pumpkin pie today;)


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

pocketful of hamsters

A woman was arrested for stealing mice and hamsters from a pet store and they caught her when the store owner noticed them crawling out of her purse. Obviously not a well thought out plan.

The comical thing was her bail was $5000 and the damn rodents were only worth four freaking bucks.

moving right along

Love this quote. In the new movie Four Christmases, Vince Vaughn is explaining to his friends that he and Reese Witherspoon are going to lie to their families so they can spend Christmas alone together. His friend says, "You would lie to your family at Christmas?" Vince says, "You can't spell 'families' without the 'lies'. Try it." LOL!!

I am ON SCHEDULE for Countdown: Thanksgiving 2008, people! Yesterday, I cleaned the fridge, the living room, hall, stairs and bathroom. Tuesday, I cleaned the bedrooms and the kitchen, and today, I start baking. Yay! I'm actually looking forward to cooking this year.
Unfortunately, there's a winter storm warning in effect until Thursday morning, so I'm hoping Female Offspring #1 will be able to come home. I don't like her traveling in snowy weather because she has a couple mountains to climb along the way.

I saw an episode of Kath & Kim the other afternoon. Very disappointing. Molly Shannon is much funnier than that.

If you want to go around bear hugging, try the stuffed kind, NOT the kind with teeth and claws.

I thought this story was rather funny. You would think ginormous fake tits might be a clue that someone has a stripper/porn past, huh, and yet, it's just coming to light:)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

scene on my fridge

I gave the offspring the magnetic letters and told them to make up an "inspiring Thanksgiving message" for the family. (That's code for "get the hell out from underfoot!") This is what they came up with. Ok, truth be told, they came up with SEVERAL messages, but this is the only that doesn't involve doing any unnatural things to the turkey's butt hole...

Monday, November 24, 2008

gobble gobble gobble


it's Monday, go nuts!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by telling at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doin' pretty good in mine.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

big lots, you've got some 'splaining to do!!!

Is there any tacky ornament the Christmas industry WON'T pimp? After seeing this advertisement for Big Lot's "2 dimensional tinsel pig," I think not.
Then again, he IS only $25, and we all know that pigs and Christmas go together like...like....like cats and Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 21, 2008

abc sucks

First they messed with Men in Trees so much that viewers couldn't even find it in their line-up, then they yanked it for months, brought it back and abruptly ended it.

NOW they've canceled Eli Stone, the one new show I've gotten interested in. And yet, According to Jim is still on.

Who runs that network? Dogbert?

only Sara Palin....

Would be stupid enough to be interviewed right in front of a guy slaughtering turkeys...oy!

consistently inconsistent

From the "somebody's been watching too many porno videos" file. I love the line where he tells the chick she has to audition and she still might not get the part...LOL! He's totally got the huge balls to direct porn.

There's a commercial for a local hospital that runs during the noon news, and the focus is their heart center. They show a grandma celebrating her birthday with her family as they blather on about their cardiac care unit. At the end it says, "Does the family care that the Cardiac Care Center is one of the best in the state? No. They only care that Grandma is home and back to the life she loves." Yeah, boozing and bingo. Wheeeeee!

I received one of those crappy metaphysical brochures in the mail in which they touted a new "release" technique that will change my entire life. I was all set to order it until I saw one guy's "testimony" in which he said he was "cured of smoking marijuana." Why would you---who would want---GUH! There's one brochure that went right into the trash.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

who wrote the book of love

WORDS OF WISDOM: “Is there any unpleasant aspect of our society that Dick Cheney isn’t making money off of?” Jon Stewart

Somebody explain this one to me. HOW IN THE WORLD can going to a tire and retreading shop hurt your credit rating? We're not supposed to buy frigging tires now?! The thing that really aggravates me is that consumers have to pay to get their own damn credit rating. That just shows how out of control this credit card industry is. The cc's have total control and as consumers, the only thing we get is the shaft....along with a hefty interest rate.

Let me just preface this by saying, yes, Billy, I know I watch too much tv. The writers of the Ghost Whisperer really weenied out. Two weeks ago, JLH’s onscreen hubby “died” of a blood clot to the brain after surgery. Last week he hung around, refusing to leave earth and at the last minute, he leaped into the body of a recently deceased man. This way, they can keep David Conrad onscreen, and start things between them all over again. What a boring way to go. Either have the balls to kill the character off or not, but don’t pull a wussy stunt like this. Besides, it’s going to get confusing for viewers. When other people see the guy, they see a stranger. When JLH sees him, she sees him as David Conrad. Guh.

I was watching a show this afternoon about what women in different cultures perceive as "beautiful". Japanese women want skin as clear and as light as possible. How different from the over-tanned Americans.
Some of the most desirable human hair for our hair extensions comes from India. Damn those Indians have the market cornered on our jobs AND our hair! They shave their hair to please the gods. Then the temple sells it. A father and son team are the top hair exporters in India, and btw, they both had a full head of hair.
Overweight women and women with stretch marks are the most desired women around in the West African country of Mauritania. “I would not swab a plumb woman for a scrawny one.” Force feed to fatten them up. The more you weigh, the better your chances of getting married. There they take drugs that MAKE you overeat. They want to be fat at all costs. Skinny=sick and something wrong with you. Take that, Steve Lick!!
In Brazil, women suck down more diet pills than any country in the world. In the past, only single women would take good care of their bodies in Brazil. They have three or four mags devoted entirely to plastic surgery--big boobs in particular. So much so that they even have payment plans for plastic surgery in Brazil.
Nose job capitol of the world is………Iran! I was shocked to see that. 60 thousand nose jobs every year. Women say they have to cover up most of their body, but the face is seen, so they want it to be perfect. Nose jobs are a status symbol, and women who can’t afford nose jobs buy tape and wear it, trying to make others think they’ve had it. Again, how different from US people who lie about having plastic surgery.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i'm off to reno, utah!

I have seen the future of computers with touch screens and I do not like it, people! It’s hard enough keeping a laptop screen clean when no one is touching it. How long do you think it’s going to take before I smear marshmallow cream or Doritos across my screen?

And the senseless crying continues. Today on the Price is Right, Ashley Jones from B&B told the contestant that she’d have a walk on role on the show if she won the showcase and I was bawling my eyes out. GUH! Kudos to the chick this week who gave a shout-out to Joel McHale. LOL…very smart idea.

This sort of news continues to give me hope: yesterday a guy in my little corner of the world walked into a convenience store and walked out with a million dollar scratch off ticket. Good for him.

Sad news, kids. Billy Baldwin was JOKING when he said he’d leave the country if Obama won. Damn you, Billy Baldwin, for getting our hopes up! This must be a thing with the Baldwins. Alec promised to leave when Bush was re-elected, and he was a liar, too. Sigh.

I was happy to see one of my favorites, Denis Leary, on The Daily Show clarifying his comments about autism. As Jon Stewart said, “You’re an asshole, but you’re not that big of an asshole.” LOL! Apparently someone from the NY Times took the paragraph out of context as it was discussing parents who use autism as an excuse to get meds for their kids because they don’t want to take the time to deal with the real issues. He said the very next paragraph dealt with friends of his who had an autistic child and how they dealt with it.

After watching a commercial for The Chocolate News, once again I want to know what the hell is up with black guys enjoying dressing up like chicks? Eddie Murphy, The Wayan Brothers, Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence and now David Allan Grier. YUCK. What gets me is they don’t even try to dress up as ATTRACTIVE women.

I was working on a crossword puzzle today and the clue was “Reno is here,” and there were four spaces, the second one was “t” and the last one was “h” and I’m thinking, “How in the world am I going to get Nevada out of that? No way could they be thinking Utah.” They were. Sigh.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm a rock star i got my rock moves

I went for my evening walk after work and as usual I had my MP3 player going. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m “Walking on Sunshine” when it’s snowing and I’m freezing my ass off in twenty degree weather.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me lately but I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Hormones? Nah, I don't have any. Yesterday I was bored and flipping channels and I saw an episode of “Full House” in which Jesse’s grandfather died. I hate “Full House” and I don’t know Jesse’s grandpap, but I was bawling my eyes out by the time the show was over. I saw one a vid in which a soldier came home and surprised his kid at school and again, bawling my eyes out.

I was so bored I watched some of “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. I don’t know, but there’s something about seeing little kids dance like adults that creeps me out. Almost as much as seeing chicks sexy dancing with their dads…brrrrrrrr.

I received my “bill” for the volunteer am-boo-lance service this month. It’s a “voluntary” $25 per family OR ELSE!! Seriously, they bill ya like $300 for an amboolance run if you don’t pay this fee, and I’m hearing that they also charge your medical coverage now. I’m not paying it. From now on, when one of my offspring are injured, I’m going to employ the “soap opera method of resuscitation“. I’ll slap them on the face, scream their name several times and yell, “Wake up! Wake up!” Works every time on The Young & The Restless.

Monday, November 17, 2008

holiday road

I emailed the offspring this morning and told them I was getting read for an old fashioned Trisha Yearwood Thanksgiving feast. I’m making Grandma Lizzie’s cornbread dressing, Tricia’s sweet potato souffle and Trisha’s favorite cranberry salad. Female Offspring #1 emailed back, “You don’t even LIKE Tricia Yearwood and I don’t have a Grandma Lizzie.” I said, “No, but Trisha does. And no, I don’t like Tricia particularly, but her recipes were in the magazine I swiped from the dentist’s office, so that’s how Thanksgiving is going to shake down.” Male Offspring #2 emailed, “Tricia Yearwood?! Why don’t we have an old fashioned Goddessville Thanksgiving?” I thought about it and ya know, he’s right. We’ve had our own tradition all these years and we should stick to it, embrace it. Turkey TV dinners for all! Phew! I’m less stressed about the whole cooking thing already.

I watched “Made of Honor,” starring Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monagham this afternoon. It wasn’t bad. I just don’t see Patrick Dempsey’s appeal. IMHO, he’s not McSteamy, McDreamy or McCreamy, for that matter. He might be good looking, but he doesn’t have that certain something, like George Clooney. He doesn’t have that charisma.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

it's fixed, I tells ya!

There were five seconds left in the Pittsburgh/San Diego game and the announcer remarked that if the score stood, it would be the first 11-10 game in the history of the NFL. He went on to say how thrilled the bookies would be.

Then San Diego passed the ball, and it got tossed to two or three different players before Troy Polamalu caught it and ran it in for a touch down, making the score 17-10. They reviewed the play and the ref came out and said it wasn't a lateral pass, and the play stood, the final score was 17-10.

All of a sudden, they took the play back and the announcer said, "Well, the bookies will be thrilled." Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?

Friday, November 14, 2008

the root of all evil

I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST. There I said it. And even though I hate it, I force myself to go at least once a year so I don’t have to deal with serious issues. The other day, I thought I was going because I had two small fillings under my front teeth that needed fixed. The dentist lifted my upper lip to inject the Novocain into my gum and he said, “Did you know you have a bump above your front tooth?” And I said, “Yeah, I’ve had that for years.” He said, “That indicates to me that you have an abscess and you need to have a root canal done in that tooth.’ FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!! I thought the only way you got abscesses was to ignore a rotting tooth, which I didn’t have. Then he informed me that MAYBE the tooth died when he replaced the filling several years ago and it was close to the nerve. In other words, it did, and he just didn’t want to say so. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know how many people have told me that they’ve had a root canal, then had their tooth capped, only to have to have it yanked out later because it became infected again. I have no pain with the tooth, so I’m rather inclined to leave it alone, but my dentist insists that the bubble on my gum is filling up with pus then is draining into my system and that this cycle will continue until I have the root canal. He said, that it’s “inevitable” that it will fill with pus one day and not drain, thus infecting the whole tooth. Sigh. I swear to God they tell us that shit so we think about it and it becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy. I sure as hell don’t want to pay $300 for the root canal, $400 for the cap and then have to get it pulled and replaced by an implant, which is over $1k. On the other hand, I don’t want to get my front tooth yanked and replace it with an implant because there’s no way in hell those two teeth will match. Besides, who the hell has a thousand dollars to spend on one lousy tooth?

Way to go Fox News, keep trying to scare the shit out of the American people in regards to our new President. That damn O’Hannity needs to SHUT. UP. and give the man a chance. I wish I had a quarter for every time O'Reilly has said, "He scares me," referring to Obama, since the election. Gawd, I haven’t seen this much fear mongering since 9/11.

Speaking of roots, here is one of my all time favorite songs. The words are fantastic and I love the symbolism of "ripping love out by the roots".....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

hey, hey, Paula

You might have read that one of the American Idol contestants committed suicide near Paula Abdul's home. What I find ironic about this story is that with every news item I read about the suicide of Paula Goodspeed, they show a picture of Paula Abdul preening for the camera. This is the woman's last chance to be "famous" and they take it away from her by making it all about Paula Abdul. Too bad Paula doesn't still have her reality show on, she could gets lots of crying and screaming mileage out of someone killing themselves near her house. The nerve of them bringing down the value of her real estate holdings!

Sarah Palin needs to stop talking about the run for VP already. She keeps yammering on about the clothes, saying, "I didn't ask for the clothes. I never asked for anything more than the occasional diet Dr. Pepper." That doesn't change the fact that she SPENT THE $. And is it my imagination or does Greta Van Susteren have a woman crush on Palin? In their interview, she's like, "I knew where you were at almost every second. I was constantly getting Blackberry messages about where you were." Ewwww.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

money changes everything

I can't believe the Congress is considering another stimulus package.

First of all, they keep telling us that part of this huge financial problem is too much credit card debt. Sooooo, the government borrows money that it cannot afford to borrow, thus incurring MORE debt, and tells us to spend it.

Secondly, the last time they tried this only a very small portion of the people spent the money. Most either saved it or used it to pay down debt. If they borrow more money and people don't spend it, they've made things even worse.

The government needs to stop coming up with these half-assed ideas and come up with a REAL answer to this financial crisis.

turning towards the future

I was reading my Daily Guide in the Science of Mind magazine and one line gave me an "aha!" moment: "What we give our attention to persists in our experience."

I've been looking for a new job and I keep hearing myself saying, "I'm just not getting any calls." So now I'm perpetuating that for myself over and over by constantly confirming it.

Every time my gf emails me about my job, she'll say, "There just aren't any jobs out there," and I KNOW that's not true because my field is the one area in which they ARE hiring.

Now I have to keep canceling that out in my mind and replacing it with, "I now have a wonderful new job, with hours I enjoy, a pay I love and co-workers that are so friendly. I am blessed."

Monday, November 10, 2008

we are family

HOLY CRAP! I thought being President of the United States was a stressful job in and of itself, especially these days, but I just heard on CNN that Obama's mother in law is moving into the White House with them! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I attended the funeral viewing for one of Mr. G's cousins over the weekend. One of his dad's cousins--a guy in his 70's--came over to me and we were chatting. Out of the blue, he says, "My wife lets me have sex with anyone I want to." Geez, thanks for the warning. Later, I was telling my husband what happened and he said, "Oh yeah, he says that all the time...."
I thought MY family was strange.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

bless the beasts and the children

Debbie writes: "Why don't you talk about your kids no more?"

Well, Debbie, I didn't mention the fact that we won the lottery. It wasn't a lot of money, but it was enough to either build myself a fabulous home OR send all but the youngest offspring to boarding school for a year. For some stupid reason, you can't send a 20 month old to a boarding school. Go figure.

I cannot tell you how I agonized over this decision. (Not at all) I cried for days trying to choose between my children and my home. (I couldn't pack those brats up fast enough) Finally I decided their education was more important than my comfort. (That's what parents always say when they want to get rid of their kids) I closely vetted all the boarding schools overseas (picked the cheapest one) and finally chose one where I could keep in close contact with the offspring. They're in....in....huh. I have no idea where they are, I know it's on of those countries that ends in "land," like "Greenland," "Iceland," or "Mainland...China." I'll find out when they all come flooding home for a joyous Christmas reunion. (Damn Christmas vacations)

Saturday, November 08, 2008

chubbies and the men who love them

According to this report, overweight chicks have more sex than slender chicks. [The first person to suggest it's because fat chicks take it anywhere they can get it, gets slapped upside the head!]

I honestly don't know why they're making a huge ass [pardon the pun] deal about this since the difference is only a few percentage points. 92% of chubby chicks admit to having a history of sexual intercourse with a guy while 87% of skinny chicks do. Big deal.

I'm going to guess that it's simply because more women are overweight these days nd just because they're overweight that doesn't mean they stop having sex. How's that for a theory?

FARTING?! I'm not farting, I'm controlling my blood pressure, thank you very much! Like you guys need an excuse...lol!

canine conundrum

The media is making a huge deal out of what sort of dog the Obama kids should get. People Mag is offering a poll of Poodle, Greyhound, Bichon Frise, or Cairn Terrier.

How about a SHELTER DOG? There are tons of great dogs in our animal shelters that need homes. It would set a good example for his kids AND for lots of people in this country who insist pure breeds are the only way to go.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

this is getting crazy

"New Jersey's Public Health Council now requires a flu shot for all children before they enroll in preschools and daycare centers. The mandate has infuriated many parents, hundreds of whom recently gathered in protest outside the statehouse in Trenton.

Parents flooded the statehouse, carrying signs with slogans like "Parent Power" and "My Child, My Choice," and chanting "No American should be forced to play vaccine roulette with their child." They rallied for support of a "conscientious objectors" clause, which would grant exemptions for children and parents who have a moral objection to the vaccination.

Existing state law provides for medical and religious exemptions to mandatory vaccinations, but parents say that requests are not frequently granted by authorities. New Jersey officials oppose any laws allowing parents to opt out of the vaccine.

Children 6-months to 5-years-old enrolled in a daycare or preschool have until December 31, 2008 to receive both the flu and pneumococcal vaccine. New Jersey requires the most childhood shots for day-care and school admission among all states in the nation."

By the time a child reaches the age of TWO, he/she will have received up to TWENTY THREE vaccines. That is CRAZY. Their little bodies can't take all of that. Why is the schedule so grueling? Why aren't the vaccines spread out more? Some times kids will get as many as SIX SHOTS in ONE VISIT.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

this is the day the romance died

I went through the drive thru this morning and got my usual unsweetened iced tea with lemon and my crusher was working. I could tell he was surprised to see me that late in the morning. And once again, I felt sorry for him as he tested the lid five times and smoothed it several more while he tried to come up with something witty to say. It was at that moment that I noticed his name tag: Denny. That’s it. It’s over. I can NOT see myself getting it on with a “Denny”. No way am I going to scream, “Do me, Denny!” I can hear myself screaming, “Oooh, Justin!”, “Oooooh, Caleb!”, “Oooooooooooooooooh, Officer!” but “Oooohh, Denny”?! No way. And I say this with sincere apologies to all "Dennys" reading this page, of which I’m sure there are none. Besides, what guy in his 20’s goes by “Denny”?! It should be Dennis or Den, but Denny? Gawd, sounds like he should still in grade school...or working at Mc--yeah, never mind.

As another election passes, once again, I’m saddened by all the people who said, “I wanted to vote Libertarian, but I know I’m throwing my vote away.” In the end, you have to vote your conscience. And I wonder if maybe ONE year all of those people got together and joined those of us who “threw it away” anyway, MAYBE it would make a difference? It’s just a shame that the candidate that makes the most sense is never really a contender.

I saw the FOX news van in town this morning. No doubt to interview John Murtha, who did indeed win again. Barely. After the things he’s said about us lately, I have to say, I wasn’t sorry to see him scrambling at the last minute for votes.

I loved Stephen Colbert’s reason for McCain losing New York: “The city that never sleeps would never support a candidate that goes to bed at 7:30.” LOL! Another funny line was, “Things are so bad with the US economy that Americans are now emailing Nigerian princes. Nigerian princes: don’t fall for it! It’s a scam!”

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

the snow man cometh

And if the leaves on the tree are any indication, we aren't ready....

I also had my first cup of one of my favorite herbal teas to ward off the chill:)

who knew the Vietnamese were such fans of big boobs?

You know, it IS true. My boobs do make me a better driver...especially when I use them to steer....

Vietnam is considering a ban on small-chested people driving motorbikes - a proposal that has provoked widespread disbelief, all the more in this nation of slightly built people.

The ministry of health recently recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches (72cm) would be prohibited, as would those who are too short or too thin.

The proposal is part of an exhaustive list of new criteria the ministry has come up with to ensure that Vietnam's drivers are in good health. As news of the plan hit the media this week, Vietnamese expressed incredulity.

"It's ridiculous," said Tran Thi Phuong, 38, a Hanoi insurance agent. "It's absurd."

"The new proposals are very funny, but many Vietnamese people could become the victim of this joke," said Le Quang Minh, 31, a Hanoi stockbroker. "Many Vietnamese women have small chests. I have many friends who won't meet these criteria."

It was unclear how the ministry established its size guidelines, and an official there declined to comment.

The average Vietnamese man is 1.64m (5ft 4in) tall and weighs 55kg (121lb). The average Vietnamese woman is 1.55m tall and weighs 47kg.

Statistics on average chest size were unavailable.

The draft, which must be approved by the central government to become law, would also prohibit people from driving motorbikes if they suffer from array of health conditions like enlarged livers or sinusitis. The rules would cover the vast majority of Vietnam's 20m motorbikes. It would not apply to car or truck drivers.

Motorbikes account for more than 90% of the vehicles on Vietnam's roads, and many workers in the nation of 85 million need them to do their jobs.

When Nguyen Van Tai, a motorbike taxi driver, heard about the proposal, he immediately had his chest measured. Much to his relief, Tai beat the chest limit by 7cm.

"A lot of people in my home village are small," said Tai, 46. "Many in my generation were poor and suffered from malnutrition, and now the ministry of health wants to stop us from driving to work."

Vietnamese bloggers have been poking fun at the plan, envisioning traffic police with tape measures eagerly pulling over female drivers to measure their chests.

"From now on, padded bras will be bestsellers," said Bo Cu Hung, a popular Ho Chi Minh City blogger.

Newspapers were inundated with letters today from concerned readers who worried that they wouldn't measure up.

"I'm not heavy enough. What am I going to do?" Le Thu Huong asked in a letter to the Tuoi Tre newspaper. "And what about people whose chests are small? Most of them are too poor to afford breast implants!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i'm not over you just yet

It's so strange how life works. Last night I came across this blog that mentioned "crossfitting" and I had no idea what it was. I thought it had something to do with Jesus and exercising:) Tonight I'm reading my email account and one of the stories questions the safety of CrossFitting. Weird.

Speaking of the cops in our town--great segue way , huh? I’m starting to feel rather sad for the cops in the small town where I walk. There are only 8 cross streets and 4 uppie/downies. They literally start at the bottom of town and work their way up and down each street. Yes, they’re that bored. If you’re walking and you catch their eye, they will IMMEDIATELY drive by to check you out. And you can almost hear what they’re thinking, “Lord, please let this chick have a bag of weed hanging out of her back pocket or a crack pipe behind her ear. Do NOT let her just be exercising. Let her be here to make a drug deal or a prostitution deal or a---oh, crap. She’s just exercising. Sigh. Now what street was I on?”

Saturday night I was waiting for the baseball game to start and they were showing eps of “Til Death” because of the rain delay. On one episode, Joy was stopped by a cop, and I really wish I had the clip because it was hilarious. First she flashed her cleavage and then when he asked to see her license and registration, she leaned over to get it out of the glove compartment and knelt on one knee and stuck her ass in the air. It was so funny. The cop gave her a ticket and she was bummed because she felt like her sexy days were behind her. At the end, an old guy gave her a twenty five cent break on her $5.25 parking tab and she was psyched. “We’re calling it even at five bucks. Did you hear that, people? I’ve still got it!” I’m like, “hmm that sounds vaguely familiar. Where have I heard it before….McDonald’s six cents tax break on ice tea…twenty five cent break on a a parking tab…hmm, can’t figure it out where I've heard this before.....”

I watched "What Happens In Vegas" tonight....meh.

Monday, October 27, 2008

something I saw on the street during my early morning walk....

love..exciting and new

I told my boss that I liked romance novels, and she said,
"I have one you might like," and she gave me this one.
LOL! The copyright date is 1959!

lessons (not) learned

The offspring were busy Sunday pouring over the Toys R Us Christmas catalog making their lists for Santa. I thought it might be a good time to teach them a lesson about the joys of giving, so I sat them down and said, "Your dad and I have decided not to buy each other Christmas gifts this year. It's silly to waste money on things we really don't need, so we're going to take the money we'd normally spend on each other and donate it to charity."

I could tell they were really listening.

A short time later they all came into the living room and Male Offspring #3 said,
"We've been talking, and since you and Dad aren't going to buy Christmas presents for each other....well we were wondering."
Hallelujah! They finally figured out the true meaning of Christmas. "Yes?"
"Instead of donating your money to charity, could you spend it on us?"

Sunday, October 26, 2008

get off the fence!

I was standing in line at the store today when the guy behind me turned and said, "Hey, you're kinda cute."

I said, " 'Kinda cute'? You need glasses. I'm not 'kinda cute'. I'm damn cute."

if you're in the market for a new laptop for Christmas...

Big Lots has a very nice HP for only $550 this week. It has a 250gb hard drive and a 15.4 inch screen. It's wireless with a 5 in 1 digital media reader and webcam--for live sex shows;)
At $550, that's a great deal and probably won't last long.

Mr. G has informed me that I am NOT in the market for a new laptop. Sigh.

Actually, I'm not. Now that Gateway has replaced my mother board and my keyboard, I'm still lovin' the sweet little laptop I have:) but I do want to get a desktop at some point. My hours have been cut in half at work, so it won't be any time soon.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

roll it over in your mind

My favorite "Halloween" candy o'all time was the wax lips. LOVED the waxed lips. I hated it when neighbors would toss the damn candy corn into my bag UNWRAPPED. Gross. I don't know where their hands (or that candy corn) have been.

Some interesting new twists on the second season premiere of Eli Stone. I'm happy to see writing of the show is as strong as it was in the first season. I recently saw a TV Guide interview with Jonny Lee Miller, the star of the show, and I was stunned to hear his British accent. I knew he was from England, but in the show he has absolutely no accent. I often wonder how people are able to do that. I have to admit, though, I can't imagine him being married to Angelina Jolie! Course it was a long time ago...

oh muh darling oh muh darling what's her name

Some of these news stories on the recession are absolutely unbelievable. I just saw one that was talking about ways to cut back, and the reporter started with, “This is blah blah dressed for Halloween,” *pause for dramatic effect* “ in last year’s costume.” OMG!! OMG!! The child had to reuse a Halloween costume! She’s undoubtedly scarred for life. Try living in a family so poor *pause for dramatic effect* that you had to sleep in your Huckleberry Hound costume night after night! Ok, that never happened, we were middle class, but I did have a Huckleberry Hound costume.

Did anybody ever stop to think that this recession might be a good time to teach your child that Mom and Dad are not an endless supply of money? That they are times that you want something you can’t have?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

hmmmm a title would be nice

I think it's definitely time to get the old bifocals. I was watching a story on CNN about a repo man, and it showed the guy and then I THOUGHT it said, "Was Peeler" under his picture. I'm like, "Holy shit! THAT guy was a stripper?!" Then I realized it said, "Wes Peeler" and it was his name. Oy. Am I ever red faced. Sorry, Wes, not that you wouldn't make a good stripper.

Richard Lewis was ranting like a crazy person on his Daily Show appearance. I can't figure out how he said all that gibberish without stopping to take a breath. I can't even imagine what it would be like to live with that guy.

If I read the phrase, "and without changing her diet, she lost weight," one more time, I'M GOING TO SCREAM. OR another favorite, "the weight just fell off."

Are dates and figs the same thing?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

you can show me yours, but i'm not showing you mine

CBS' The Ex List features a cop ex this week, so I thought I should bone up on the show and watch the first two eps to see what it was all about.

In the first ep, at one point, Bella's "friend"--at least I think they're just friends--lifts her skirt and asks her what she thinks of her shave job. (Not exactly in those words.) I was sitting there opened mouth, thinking, "Who the HELL shares that much information with their friend?" OR sister, doesn't matter. I mean, it's one thing to TELL them you did it, but SHOW them?! Well, I must be the prude because I just read this news story online.....WTH is wrong with people?!



The Livingston County sheriff's department has confiscated a dozen mobile phones after a 14-year-old girl took a cell phone photo showing her genitals and sent it to friends.

Sheriff Bob Bezotte tells the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus of Howell that the girl indicated she was "clowning around" over the summer when she took the photo, which also shows her face.

Bezotte says the Pinckney High School student sent the photo to three or four friends' phones. But authorities estimate it's gotten to more than 200 people since school resumed and students sought the photo.

The sheriff's department is seeking more phones containing the photo, and charges could be brought. Pinckney Community Schools Superintendent Dan Danosky says students also could be disciplined.