Thursday, May 31, 2007

yo ho ho and a bucket of bacon grease

Carl writes: "Dear goddess... I too love pork and nearly all pork by-products. Civilization itself rests upon the
consumption of the humble pig. By the way, did you spot the photo of the 1200 lb boar some 11 year old kid shot with a handgun?
The great, all-seeing, mystical Drudge had the photo plastered on his site for a few hours. It was gorgeous and yes, it really
was the four legged variety of swine and not one of your trashy friends. And speaking of pork... there is only one way to
prepare bacon and I will share this with you and you alone because I love you more than the hot little number who
cooked all of Julia Child's recipes in 365 days. In return, I fully expect you to leave your husband and go on the stripper's
circuit selling expensive soft drinks to dirty old men like myself. Don't tell anyone this secret or I will be forced to tell
you there are dead links on your site. Bacon should be deep-fried! Deep-fried bacon and Canadian beer
is better than sex with hookers. Deep-fried bacon and Canadian beer is sublime. Oh God... I think I'll go masturbate. Love and peace sister, Carl "
My Dearest Carl, you had me at "I too love pork"....
But "deep fried," Carl? Come on. I can feel my arteries clogging when I pan fry or --God forbid--nuke the bacon. Besides, when I die in the throes of a screaming orgasm, I want my heart to be "healthy" enough to pass on to a hott cop.

I tried the Mr. Clean sponge today. First of all, I can't help but think this is a dumb idea.
With all the recent press about how sponges transfer dirt and harbor germs, why come out with a sponge now?
Secondly, it's pre-loaded with Mr. Clean I'm guessing, so every time I try to "rinse" it clean, I'm squeezing out more Mr. Clean.
And last but certainly not least, I bought two of these things and BOTH of them ripped in half before I had a chance to use it a second time.
I won't waste my money on this product again.

you make me feel like dancin'

FatHairyBastard tagged me for this meme. You have to pick five songs in the top-40 tunes of the year you turned 18 and then tell you how they effected your life.

I immediately ran into the same problem FHB did, in that we both turned 18 in the 70's, an era full of worthless disco drivel. So I toyed with the idea of stealing his entire post and changing some of the wording until I got to the part where he confessed liking "show tunes". Oy. Even though I loved "Jesus Christ Superstar," I am seeing FHB in a whole new light. And it ain't purdy. *LOL*

Let me say that no song has really "effected my life," except some Christian songs by Rebecca St. James, which *I* admit to liking. There. That's MY dirty little secret. But I shall do the best I can.

The first two songs on my list "You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone and "Torn Between Two Lovers," by Mary MacGregor, have taught me that people can be very forgiving, even if the songs you put out are complete crap. Take, for instance, how the public embraced Debby and Mary when they released their second number one hits entitled "They Never Had Another Number One Hit Again." Hmmm, ok, today I learned people are complete unforgiving BASTARDS!!

The third song on my list, and one I really DO like is "Dreams," by Fleetwood Mac. It was written by Stevie Nicks, who I love, and it taught me that you don't have to sound like everyone else to be a star, and you certainly don't have to write like them. I love the first few lines, "
Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom. Well who am I to keep you down."

The fourth song I'm listing is the Star Wars Theme from Meco. That song changed my life completely in that it instantly caused me to HATE anything Star Wars or Meco related. I've lived by that creed ever since. Wookie my ass.

The fifth and final song on my list is "Dancing Queen," by ABBA. This song taught me that no matter how insipid your lyrics, if it has a good beat, people will dance to it AND buy it.

I am going to tag only one person--I'm in a generous mood today--I'm tagging WW because she lives for this sort of insanity.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

LOL!

We had Chicken Parmesan ala Stacerella today for supper and it was delish! BUT may I just say it was waaaaaaay too heavy for a hott summer day. BTW, Stacey, avacado ice cream?! Stop trying to make junk food healthier;) My husband came home from work and I yelled outside to him that supper was ready. He said he wasn't hungry and he'd eat later, so I told him I'd meet him in the bedroom for our usual, daily "quality time". Get your minds out of the gutter. We just lay down and talk about our day, get connected non-physically, so to speak. I'm waiting and waiting, and finally I went into the kitchen and he's sitting there eating. I said, "I thought you said you weren't hungry?" He said, "I wasn't until I walked into the kitchen. It smells like a restaurant in here!"


You gotta check out the picture on Josh's pic-a-day blog today. He's been taking Sleepy everywhere lately, and I gotta say I'm jealous that Sleepy gets out more than I do.


But today's picture is just hilarious.

thats stats

If you're looking for a good, EASY TO USE, FREE stats program, consider StatCounter. The only drawback I saw to StatCounter was the limit of 100 stats on logs. Meaning you could only view 100 stats at a time before you lost some.
Now they've upped that to 500 for FREE, making it one of the best (and easiest) stats programs I've ever used. And StatCounter is REAL TIME stats, not like that crappy program MyBlogLog uses. They only give you TEN stats a day and it's a day behind. Pfft.

damn, damn, DAMN!

*color me sick to the stomach*
The boss IS running out of money. I knew Overtime Hawg wasn't clever enough to think up a scheme like that. The good news is that I'll actually end up with more hours because she's eliminating one position all together. That of the woman who refuses to do anything. She should have gotten rid of her two years ago because she's only gotten worse as time has gone on. I'll have to work 7 days and then three nights, for a total of ten days in a row, which I have no problem with. Now I'm stressing, though, that my job WILL be over in December, so I have got to pay off as much credit card debt as I can. Luckily we don't have that much cc debt, but if I don't get it paid off, it will matter should I lose my job. Our car will be paid off in November, but that also means we'll be in need of another one at the same time. UGH. I've had this job for five years and I've totally gotten spoiled by having a good boss, so I hope it lasts as long as possible. I just have to keep telling myself that if this job should end, I'll quickly find something I like more with better pay and better hours.

Just when I think they've sunk as low as they can with reality shows,
Bugs sends me this link.

How to make a quick buck: first you commit a crime, then you try to collect the reward on your ass....

On the good news front, I went to the dentist yesterday and he said he can't find anything wrong with my teeth. He x-rayed them and couldn't seen any decay. What I thought was decay was actually a silver filling turned black. He seems to think it's random nerve pain and he told me to use Senseodyne. He said, "My receptionist was having a problem with nerve pain, and she used this tooth paste. It cleared up in one use." Yeah, no wonder. It's almost seven bucks a freaking tube. I'm thinking my nerve pain better clear up right away, too, OR ELSE.

This is too funny. A guy was hiding in the dumpster on COPS, but when questioned he refused to admit he was involved in a fight at a nearby store.
The cop tried again and said, "Ok, what were you doing in the dumpster?" And the kid said, "Chillin'."
The cop said, "You were 'chillin' in the dumpster?" in his very best "how stupid do you think I am?" tone of voice.

This search string in my stats had me chuckling: "how to satisfy a lady with a small penis." Well, there's your problem right there, son. We don't have penises, even small ones.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

are you still using that greasy kid stuff?

Isn't it weird how you suddenly recall a song from a long time ago and you still recall the lyrics perfectly? I was brushing Holly's hair and all of a sudden the lyrics to "That Greasy Kid Stuff" by Janie Grant came to mind.

"Delilah was a gal who was as smart as a fox,
She crewcut Sampson's curly locks,
She wiped off the scissors when the job was done,
And whispered softly, Tell me hon,
are you still using that greasy kid stuff?
That icky sticky oooey gooey greasy kid stuff?"

No wonder the dog looks at me like I'm nuts. I wish I could have found it on YouTube. I loved that goofy song.

OMG!!
If you go HERE, you can listen to this song!! You GOTTA listen! Hit the sound button in the brown box next to the song title. I love it! I haven't heard it in ages. And check out this page to listen to some of the great female teen idols. Holy cow, they even have "Navy Blue" by Diane ReNae.

bite me, G4

Here's my rant: G4 went "interactive" today with COPS 2.0. What a freaking annoying feature. It's across the bottom of the screen and it mixes chat with stupid trivia comments, like "What kind of car is the subject driving?" "Which of the officer's hands did the bird bite?" Then they have live chatters making comments during the episode. It's every bit as distracting (and unnecessary) as the scrolling headlines at the bottom of 24 hour news station broadcasts. What is with our culture that we're not comfortable reading/watching one thing at a time? Must we constantly be bombarded by information? Why do we need to chat online while watching tv?

The screen is full of ENOUGH GARBAGE. We have to contend with the G4 logo in the uppper right hand corner, the PG-WHATEVAH in the upper left hand corner and NOW this crap along the bottom. Why bother to show COPS at all, G4? Why not just fill the whole damn screen with logos and other crap pimping your station?

this commercial makes me smile everytime i see it

What a clever tie-in! Dark chocolate...dark humor...the Adams Family. Somebody did a great job on this ad campaign.
Morticia and Wednesday were my favorites. Danged if those M&M's don't look like them!

low down on lohan

Good grief. Some people are pathetic vultures trying to make a buck off of anybody's misfortunes.

Monday, May 28, 2007

fine as wine

One of my all time favorite shows from childhood. I had my very first crush at age ten on The Captain, Edward Mulhare. Yep, even as a little tyke, I was a sucker for romance and I knew older men had it going on;)

because i'm bad i'm bad you know it


Thursday, after work, I stopped in at the candy store to buy some chocolates, even though "technically" I'm not eating them.
(And when I say "technically," I mean "Mr G thinks I'm not eating them.")
The sign on the one display said, "Chocolate eggs, BOGO" so I picked up two boxes thinking they were chocolate FILLED or solid chocolate eggs.
My tooth started bothering me Friday, so I didn't eat any. I knew the sugar would send me through the roof. Thanks to some clove oil, the tooth pain has calmed down tremendously, so I decided to have one of my chocolate eggs that I've been salivating over for days now. SON OF A BITCH, if they aren't MAPLE CREAM. Pardon my French, but I despise maple cream as much as I despise strawberry cream, cherry cream and murderers. In my mind, they should all be outlawed.
Soooooooooo, kids, guess who's getting the second box of maple creams as a belated birthday gift? LOL! Overtime Hawg.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

i love you more than i did when you were mine

Dario Franchitti won the Indy 500 and the one headline
read "Ashley Judd's Husband Wins Indy 500." LOL! I'm sure he'll appreciate that.

A police informant is alleging that Michael Vick, quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is heavy into betting on dog fighting. The informant alleges that Vick would place bets of $30,000-$40,000 and even higher on the fights. The informant also alleges that his dog beat Vick's in a fight.
I don't understand how anyone in their right mind could get enjoyment out of two animals tearing each other apart. That's fucking sick.

I was outside putzing around in the back yard this afternoon. We have a dog pen from our last dog that we kept in the yard
because it's a really well built doghouse and quite frankly, I'm trying to figure out how I can con one of the offspring into living in it.
Justin, one of the little neighbor kids, saw me outside and came over. He's about seven years old. He said, "What are you doing?"
With a perfectly straight face, I said, "Oh, I was just putting a new rug in the dog's house so she'll have something to lay on when she watches her tv."
I soooo wish I had a camera when I tell him this sort of stuff because you can almost see the wheels turning in his head.
He said, "Nuh uh. There's no tv in there."
Last time I got him when I told him I put a stereo in the doghouse.
I said, "Sure there is. How's the dog going to keep herself busy with no tv? You know she doesn't have a stereo."
He looked at me for a few seconds, trying to figure out whether or not I was joking with him, then gave me one last, "Nuh uh" and walked away.
Like clockwork, within about two minutes, he was back in the yard. "I want to see it."
I said, "See what?"
He pointed to the dog pen and said, "I want to see the dog's tv."
I said, "Go ahead and look. She's watching Animal Planet."
He squatted down and pulled back the piece of carpet we keep over the opening and looked in.
Then he said, "See?! I told you there was no tv in there!"
LOL!! I know I shouldn't jerk the boy's chain, but I can't help but get a kick out of the way he falls for that every damn time.
Next time I'm telling her we installed an indoor pool. The comical thing is that the pen would comfortably house two beagle sized dogs, laying side by side,
so the fact that he thinks I can even fit a tv and stereo in there is hilarious to me.

they got some crazy little women there

What was the number one song on the day you were born?

For me, it was "Kansas City" by Wilbert Harrison.


Thank You, Bruno!

Bruno has inadvertently given me an EXCELLENT IDEA for a summer project for the offspring this year. Besides their summer ritual of tying each other to trees, I mean. Yesterday I purchased this....



And the little beauty only cost me $3000, plus the cost of 849 boxes of Brillo Pads. It's already paying off in dividends, though. The offspring had to push the tractor the whole way home--it doesn't run, that's why I got such a terrific deal on it--and they're still in bed at 2:30 p.m., exhausted from the accidental exercise. As you can see, there's a little bit of rust the offspring are going to have to get rid of before they can shine 'er up! Awww, the sweet, sweet sounds of summer silence....

Over on MSN. com, they were discussing home schooling pros and cons.
I thought about this very subject long and hard when my offspring began reaching school age. I wanted to be sure they got the best education they could because let's face it, dumb kids never leave home. They have a tendency to borrow money because those minimum wage jobs don't pay well,
and they have a disgusting habit of moving their baby daddies in with mom and dad, too.
Here's the list I came up with:
My pros for home schooling:

Offspring are gone 8 hours a day
My cons:
Offspring are home an extra 8 hours a day.
The choice was obvious to me: public school.

in remembrance

one of my very favorite toons

I think this says it all;)

say it ain't so, chuck!

What happened to my sweetie Chuck Lidell last night?! Knocked out in the first round?! Damn.
Mr. G kept saying he was going to lose. He said he didn't think Lidell was in the best of shape this time around.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

it's beginning to look a lot like summer

I can't believe how popular I am with the ladies these days. At times like this I almost resent the men with their big schwangs. (Not to be confused with their big Schwinns) Veronika emailed me and said she was interested in meeting me, because she wanted to "create a strong family" with me. She's 27 y.o. and she lives in Russia. She asked me if visiting Russia was in my future. I'm very happy to tell you, Veronika, that YES! visiting Russia IS in my future.....much the same as becoming a leggy supermodel is in my future.

Female Offspring #2 sent me an email with a link to take a quiz entitled, "Are You A Slacker Mom?"
Yeah, like I have to take a test to figure that one out.

i spy with my little eye.....a very long weekend

I'm reading my latest edition of "Farm and County" and there is a picture of a big ass, rusty Farmall tractor sitting in the field. Made me think of Bruno and his tinkering..........and how I haven't had to cut the grass once this summer since the tractor he loaned me never arrived. Bless you, Bruno.

Tina Tyler emailed me and said she would send me copies of her adult vids series called "Handyman," in which hetero guys jack off. I can't wait to get my grubby hands on 'em. And dang, who wouldn't like to have Tina's job?! I was yakking with South about this last night and he said all Tina has to do is send me a tape with a guy dressed like a cop and I'll be all over it saying how great it is. That is SO NOT TRU----damn he knows me well, doesn't he?

Why did I have to pick Memorial Day weekend to get a freaking toothache? Last time I had one my dentist was on vacation. This is a lovely pain like I've never had before, so I'm betting it will have to be pulled. I can see black almost right up against the gum line and everytime I touch near there, I get a blast of nerve pain. It's in the back of my mouth and won't show, but still I don't like to get teeth pulled. What I don't want, though, is to have it capped and have to get a root canal later, and he had this tooth pegged to be capped if I had any more trouble with it.
I've read many times that the pain still doesn't go away with a root canal and the only way to get rid of it entirely is to have the tooth yanked. The last time I had to have one pulled, I came home and cried. I don't even know why. I know it's a shock to the body to have a tooth pulled, but I wasn't prepared to be so weepy!
Keep your fingers crossed that it's a simple filling, people. I would appreciate it.
I absolutely HATE going to the dentist. Always have, and I will put it off as long as I can. BUT I have friends whose teeth are mere black stubs and for the life of me, I can't understand how they avoid going to the dentist. The pain would have to be excruciating after a while. One girl I work with only goes when her teeth are so bad they're impacted. And me, the dentist wussy, the minute I get a little bit of an ache, I'm running for an appointment. I can only conclude that they are BEYOND terrified. And doggone it, I'm hungry but I'm afraid to eat anything!

Damn!

When I went to bed last night I had over 1900 hits to my blog and I wanted to reach the 2k mark. The day before, I had 1700+ hits, but I fell short of 2000 last night by a mere 32 hits. Damn.

Friday, May 25, 2007

lets get it started

I can't believe I'm getting hits from a forum in BELGIUM concerning
Trooper Moss and Barbie Cummings' little escapade. And BOSNIA. Don't they have their own problems going on there?
Unbelievable that this story has made
it around the world when there are so many IMPORTANT things happening we never hear about.
The story seems to be bigger now than when it first broke.
Why is everyone so fascinated with it? The two most searched stories on my blog has been this one and the one in which the police chief's wife had a porn site.
Both involved cops and both involved porn. Coinkydink?

Because you know I'm totally committed to my dog's health, I decided to dump the processed dry dog food and make my own food for her.
I wanted to know what I was putting into her body...........unlike my own body.
So yesterday morning I whipped her up some eggs, tossed in some veggies and added browned ground turkey.
Took me 45 minutes. You know how I feel about work, so tomorrow she's getting a big bowl of Count Chocula. Yum!

I have decided that I am the "peace maker" in my relationships, and I don't know why. I HATE IT when
people fight, even people I don't know. I find myself trying to smooth the waters between people
on forums I frequent, trying to get them to laugh about the whole situation, to see the humor in it. It's weird. Why do I care when strangers fight? It has nothing to do with me. It's not like I was the child of an alcoholic or anything like that. My dad was LOUD and big, and when he got mad, I did hate that.
My parents rarely fought, but when they did, it upset me tremendously. People like Dr. Phil say you should never fight in front of your children. I know knock down drag outs are a no no, but NEVER fighting makes things so much harder when a fight is overheard. It leaves you unprepared and insecure.
When my dad retired, my parents fought so much, I'd be almost sick to my stomach and I was 18 years old at the time. I know that most of it stemmed from the fact that dad was suddenly "underfoot" 24 hours a day, but I honestly worried they'd get a divorce.
Then as the fighting continued, I PRAYED they'd get a divorce. Oy. Things seemed to settle down once Mom realized Dad wasn't going anywhere and she'd had to get used to him being around. That basically consisted of giving him enough "busy work"
for the entire day. Anyway, the reason all of this came up is that last night we were having problems shutting off our oven fan. Mr. G told me he was having problems pushing the off button, but it was so tremendously hot while I was cooking that I never even gave that a thought. He responded to the situation the way he always does when something needs fixed: he gets angry and starts swearing and slamming stuff, bitching about how he can never find something when he needs it. And all the while I'M the one looking for it while he stands there swearing.
My guess is this is all borne of his frustration because he's not mechanically or
electronically inclined, but the minute he starts doing that, I start placating, my stomach starts churning and I get mad at myself when I hear myself.
Sometimes I tell him to grow up, but always there's that upset stomach feeling until it's over. However, if someone angers me enough, and I feel they've pushed me passed the point of no return, I can tell them to f off with a clear conscience, and forget their very existence, and sadly I've had to do so once or twice.
Oh, and the fan he was yelling about having to call an electrician to turn off? Turns out the damn thing had a plug and when I yanked it, the problem was solved.

sounds like every cop fantasy i've ever had....

UPDATE 6/14/07:
"A probe into a former state trooper accused of receiving oral sex from a porn actress during a traffic stop has been expanded to include more than 25 stops involving women, a prosecutor said.

The FBI and the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation have been called in to assist Tennessee Highway Patrol investigators in the case of former Trooper James Randy Moss, according to Wilson County District Attorney General Tommy Thompson.

Investigators have identified more than 25 of Moss’s traffic stop videos that are “questionable” and want to contact the women involved to ask whether anything inappropriate occurred, Thompson said. He said he didn’t know how far back in Moss’ career the tapes in question go.

In some of the videos, a microphone may be muted or not picking up sound. In others, some of the activity in the traffic stop may have been off camera, said Thompson, who said he hasn’t seen the tapes himself.

“They reviewed the videos, and anything that was suspect or where an opportunity” may have occurred, “they are going back and checking each of those,” the prosecutor said. “They are just trying to do a good job.”

Moss was initially fired last month, and then allowed to resign, after being accused of receiving oral sex from porn actress Justis Ellen Richert, who Moss stopped for speeding in Wilson County.

Richert, 21, lives in Knoxville and goes by the screen name Barbie Cummings. She placed a narrative and an explicit video from the encounter on her Internet blog. The story of her allegations spread around the world last month via the World Wide Web, but her site has since been taken down.

At least one other previous case surfaced when the story broke last month. It involved Moss’ 2000 stop with a female truck driver, but an internal investigation at the time was inconclusive.

State Safety Commissioner Dave Mitchell said he wanted that case reviewed, as well as Moss’s entire career with the patrol. The trooper had been with the agency since 1997.

Patrol spokesman Mike Browning had few details on that review Tuesday, other than to say that the investigation had expanded to include “any and all suspicious” stops by Moss.

Moss’s attorney was unable to be reached for comment Tuesday.

The videos now under review involve some women who live outside Tennessee, Thompson said. He said the extensive review demonstrates the desire of the patrol to ferret out any other problems in Moss’ past.

“Anything where there was an opportunity in certain cases, they are just checking it out,” Thompson said. “They are just making sure there are not any victims out there.

Something like this, some people might not call in. Some people would, but some may think it’s easier just to go on.”

Thompson said no charges have been filed against Moss, although he expects a grand jury to hear testimony possibly as early as July."


UPDATE 5/27: Apparently this is not the first time this trooper has been accused of seuxal misconduct.
"...at least one other previous allegation against Moss remained hidden until the Richert case became public: A female trucker had alleged in 2000 that Moss had asked her to show him her breasts during a traffic stop, state records show. At the time, the trooper denied making the statement, and the investigation was inconclusive.

A second previous allegation of a “sexual nature” involving a 2005 traffic stop by Moss also came to light last week, according to THP spokesman Mike Browning."

I posted about this on my Hott Cops blog, but I wanted to yak about it here, too.


I don't know if this story is true or not, but the woman in question insists it is. At times it sounds more like a script from a porn vid. She has posted pics, but I didn't see anything that gave any indication the "guy" she was performing on was a cop. Unless she's removed the incriminating ones.

If it is true, I have only one question to ask: I would think you'd have to have a reasonable amount of INTELLIGENCE to stay alive as a state trooper. Why in the world would you then be so STUPID as to not only allow someone to take pictures, but to GIVE them the pictures?! Geez, a third grader could add "graphic cop pics" + "web site" + "porno chicks" and come up with the right answer . I guess he was not only thinking with the little head but he was thinking with his ego. I just hope he's not married....

Here's a little UPDATE on this story: apparently the Trooper James Randy Moss is the one who got his own ass in trouble by telling a co-worker about this incident. Ahh, bragging. Gets ya in trouble every time. Guys, have the good sense NOT to brag to your guy friends who aren't getting any. Horniness makes 'em bitter.
I have to admit, I'd love to know what this trooper looks like. See if he's Hott Cop material;)

How does that saying go again? The badge gets you pussy and the pussy gets your badge.

The site in question is BarbieCummings.com--ADULTS ONLY!!!

What do y'all think?
_____________________

KNOXVILLE (WATE) -- A Tennessee State Trooper is on paid leave after allegations surface about sex at a traffic stop.

The woman involved is apparently an adult video actress who lives in Knoxville. She has posted a vivid description of the incident on her personal website and blog.

This incident allegedly took place on May 7 in Middle Tennessee. It involves a trooper who works out of the Nashville district office. Another employee brought the incident to light.

THP spokesman Mike Browning confirms that the trooper, who WATE-TV is not naming, was placed on administrative leave May 11, after the allegations surfaced.

The incident allegedly took place in Wilson County near Highway 840 and Interstate 40.

Included below, in her blog, Barbie, an adult video actress, lists an entry about the trooper dated May 7.

In short, she writes she was pulled over early in the morning. The trooper asks what she does for a living and she tells him she makes "dirty movies." The trooper then pulls up her website in his patrol car.

She writes that the trooper tossed "narcotic pills" she had into some bushes and she performed a sex act on him. Then she writes, "he asked me if he could take photos, I said yes, only if i can have them, he said okay. He even made little videos too."

Those graphic pictures are on Barbie's website and the Tennessee Highway Patrol along with TBI is investigating whether or not a video exists. The woman has been interviewed by the Criminal Investigations Division of THP. This trooper has worked with THP since the mid-1990's. He will remain on leave while troopers investigate further.

Below is the blog entry from "Barbie". 6 News has edited the content where it was sexually explicit.

BARBIE WRITES:

This event is almost unbelievable, but I haven't lied about anything so far, so believe what you want. (I do have pictures to prove this).

I was at my aunt's house yesterday, about two and a half hours away in another part of Tennessee. (I want to be light with words, don't want anyone to lose their job)

I headed home late at night, almost early in the morning. I had to get home cause my puppies were home alone.

I was on the phone with Billy when I seen blue lights behind me. Ugh... not again.

Well, I had been drinking, wasn't drunk by any means, but had been drinking some. He put his light in my car and seen some liquor I had in the back seat, which I had forgotten about. oops

So, I answer all of his questions.

"Do you have any weapons, such as guns, knives, etc?" "Do you have any illegal drugs in the car?" "Do you have any drug paraphernalia in the car?"

Well, I am standing outside of my car and answer yes to a few of these questions and no to a few others.

I had some "narcotics" in the car, or as I refer to them in other blogs, some "happy pills."

I sometimes have these pills as I may take one or two before going to a club, and thats it. I have no addiction and use these more so, recreationally.

However, they are a "level 4 is the term I think he used. Crack is a 2, Marijuana is a 6... He starts talking about the minimum punishment for this offense. It was an 11-29 with 30%, which means they sentence you to 11 months and 29 days in jail and you have to serve a minimum of 30%. Then he said I would be on six months of monitored probation, which means the likely hood of them allowing me to go to California, would probably be very minimal, if at all.

Thats when we start chatting about my trips to Los Angeles...

You all know where this is going?

I tell him I make dirty movies. He says he wished he had gotten into that industry.

I want to mind you all that I have been arrested many times before and was trying my hardest to be respectful, that always used to help.

So, I am answering the questions he is asking me about (**expletive deleted**), with "Yes sir" and "No sir."

He kept saying to me, and now I understand why, "are you sure you aren't hiding anything on your persons?" He asked me that about ten times, and I just thought it was routine. Well, now I understand what he wanted me to do.

So, he asks me about what I do. I tell him internet and movies. He asks me one of the sites, I tell him to go to my blog (this one). He then proceeds to open his lap top in his car. (I mind you, at this point I am sitting in the front seat of his car with him)

He brings up my blog and we watch two of my video clips. I don't even know what to do at this point, I thought I was going to jail.

He says to me, while staring at the screen, (**expletive deleted**)

Oh dear...

Now, I understand.

So, he gets out of the car with the narcotics in hand and walks around to the side I am sitting in. He asks me if I would stand up and walk in front of the car, and told me I look even more beautiful in person. I smile.

He takes the hand full of pills and scatters them in the brush next to the interstate. Then he asks me, what does it cost for someone like me to get anything like you.

I said to him, "If you weren't working..."

and he said, "don't worry about me working!"

I said, "Okay, right now?"

He asks me to follow him to some desolate place he knew about, I did.

I get out of my car, walk to his car and (**expletive deleted**)

We moved to the back of the car, cause he didn't want to take the chance of anyone pulling in. We were in the middle of nowhere, and it was 3 am-ish, there was no one to be found. Either way, he wanted to be safe.

So, behind his cop car (**expletive deleted**)

He asked me if he could take photos, I said yes, only if I can have them, he said okay.

He even made little videos too.

(**expletive deleted**)

I loved every minute of it and want to do it again next time I go to my aunt's house.

hee haw

My husband came in last night and said, "I don't think XXXX's wife is much use to him working on that garage."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "He's working and she sitting there right in the middle of the garage reading a book. That's no help."
I said, "It is if she's reading "An Idiot's Guide to Building a Garage".....

how to humiliate your baby

in one easy step..................LOL!! That is hilarious.

if you're going my way i wanna drive it all night long


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUSHY! Don't do anything I wouldn't do....gawd, it's gonna be a boring birthday for you.


I was watching the Today Show yesterday morning and they had a story about a 60 year old couple who had just given birth to twins. I don't know why this story appalled me so much. I'm a woman. I should celebrate the fact that my fellow females are able to give birth if they want, but GEEZ, I just can't work up the enthusiam for this.
I keep thinking back to when I was graduating high school and my parents were in their 60's. As a matter of fact, my dad retired at 65 the year I graduated. I remember a fellow classmate
saying, "Oh, that's so nice your grandparents came to your graduation." And I'm like, "Damn. That's not my grandparents. That's my mother and dad."
Nobody feels like their parents understand them, but when they're forty years older than you are, you really feel they don't get you.
These kids have parents SIXTY years older than they are. How in the world are you going to be able to keep up with active toddlers when you're 63? 64? Any woman who says it's not a problem is not being honest. It's just fact that you're not as limber and agile at 60 as you are at 20 or 30. You don't have the same energy levels. I guess also there's the part of me that just can't figure out why you'd WANT kids when you reach your 60's, a time when you can finally kick back and enjoy your life. Just because we want something, that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

So I received this email.
"Hire,
i am here sitting in the interneat caffe. Found your email and
decided to write. I might be coming to your place in 14 days,
so I decided to email you. May be we can meet? I am 25 y.o.
girl. I have a picture if you want. No need to reply here as
this is not my email. Write me at okop@SpringMailSite.info"
a. What's an "interneat caffe"? is that the opposite of an "intermessy caffe"?
b. Unless she's dragging a 45 y.o. cop with her for me to enjoy, why the fark would I want to meet a 25 y.o. girl?
c. She's coming to my place? How the hell does she know where my place is? And more importantly, knowing where my place is, why would she still want to come here? The mind boggles.
d. Is 'sprang' a word? Spring, sprang, has sprung?
e. How many people will fall for this bullshit and end up on some spam email list just because they think they'll get a pic of 25 y.o. in return?
f. And now that I've put the addy on my site, will the spammers get spammed? Sweet! But I doubt it...

Wow. I made the supreme mistake of joking about the Tennessee State Trooper who was sexed up along the highway on one site and damn, I got some gal's panties in a wad. She thought it was a disgrace! A disgrace, I tells ya! And there was nothing at all funny about it. Granted, it wasn't an exemplary moment in his life, but puhleeze. People are murdered every day,
but one of their state troopers gets a blowjob and everybody's outraged? Give me a break.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

whats the difference

Hmmm, Ron informed me that some of the links to post comments on my blog were showing a frog with a "no hotlinking" comment scrolled across it, instead of the box to post comments. I have no idea what would be causing this, so I changed the backlinking box to none--hell, I don't even know what backlinking is, but it was allowed--and I got frogs all across the entire blog with the "not hotlinking" comments. Then I went into comments and changed it back and it seemed to be fine for me, but it's still funky for him. I don't know what's causing this, but I'm thinking he's smoking the wacky tabacky. You know, the really cheap stuff. LOL....nah, I don't know why this is happening but we were using different browsers, so that might account for why he was still seeing it and I wasn't.

Yesterday was a nice day at work. The boss left for an eye appointment and a few other errands, so I basically had three and a half hours to kick back and do nada.

Someone sent me the picture of the state trooper involved in the sexcapade with the porn chick in Tennessee. I gotta admit, I was expecting a twentysomething hotshot, not a middle aged dude. I could understand if someone new to the job took to bragging about sex along the highway, but he looks like he's in his late 40's/50's. Kinda surprised me. I would have thought he'd know better. Again, I'm hoping he's not married because this sort of thing is hard enough to live down, I hope he didn't drag an innocent spouse into the mess. People are still googling it so it hasn't died down yet.

I thought this was a rather strange bit of fact: military veterans in jail are more than twice as likely to have been convicted for sex offenses than non-vets. The researchers don't seem to know why.

Our local news station has a regular "Pain at the Pump" feature currently running. Nothing like focusing on the negative. Every freaking day they talk about the high cost of gas. And if I hear one more time about checking the air in the tires.....grrrrrrrrrrr! Cut out all your unnecessary trips and shut up about it already. I'm sick of hearing about it.

The funniest thing about my porn rant was when I emailed Richard Freeman, who sent the vid, and told him how Playgirl screwed up the masturbation scene with the gayish looking dude. He said he thought the scene was intended for women. Yes, that would explain why the guy spent a good three or four minutes proudly showing us his butthole....ewwww, ewwww, ewwww.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

drums keep pounding rhythms to the brain

One of my co-workers called me last night and said that Overtime Hawg told her we're going to be let go at the end of the year because the boss just doesn't have the money to keep us on. Now my immediate thought was the same as hers: why would the boss confide that to her and no one else? My co-worker thinks that O.H. wants her evening shift because there's hardly any work to do. She thinks she's trying to scare her into finding another job now, so she won't have to worry about finding one in December. As IF I don't have enough crap to worry about.
My overall feeling is this: is O.H. clever enough to come up with a plan like this or is she telling the truth? If she's telling the truth, it would be the first time...BWAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I DREAD losing my job because my self esteem is all tied up with my work and I don't feel good
about myself if I'm not contributing to the upkeep of the house/family financially.
And NATURALLY I end up in a field where I'm losing/getting new jobs all the time. I just keep telling
myself that if I do lose my job, I know I'll quickly move on to something better and better paying. Yep, it's all about psych'ing myself.

WORDS OF WISDOM: "I do need to lose a little weight. I had a threesome last week, and I was all by myself. " Larry the Cable Guy

Here's a little advice for you, my many, many reader. DO NOT under any circumstances think
you can do an hour of TaeBo AFTER working a nine hour day and AFTER partaking in hott monkey sex. Especially after TWO screaming O's. One is exhausing enough.
Exercise and yawning just don't go well together.

What the heck happened to "Men In Trees"? ABC was running the episodes weekly then stopped abruptly back in February. I keep reading that it's been renewed, but why the heck didn't they finish this season? Most shows end in May, not February. Then WW showed me a blog that said the show was going to conclude with a couple eps in May. It's the 22nd and still no sign of the show.
Hell, by the time the show starts up again in the Fall, I'll have forgotten what the storylines were about.

I totally hate the stock market and all things related, but lately I've gotten hooked on reading about my Hott Cops site status on Blogshares.com. Apparently the "value" of Hott Cops shot all the way up to $8, 544 in January for no reason that I can figure. It remained high for two months, then dropped all the way back down to $3,544 in April. Damn you, April, and your showers!

What I found funny about the entire process, though, was when guys voted on what type of "industry" the Hott Cops site represented. Some of their responses were: law enforcement, photoblog, civil service, photography, society, hobbies, female and English. Gee, "English". There's a big label of nothingness. I hate to tell them, but they're ALL wrong. Hott Cops is a SEX BLOG. As in "I wish I be having sex with these hott guys...."

my porn rant

I'm making this post separate from my usual stuff because I know not everyone on my reading list doesn't like porn. It's a porn rant, so feel free to move on to my other posts.

Den sent me a DVD from Playgirl entitled "Climactic Tales." Yes, that's right, Frank, he sent me the DVD. He didn't make a freaking donation to an adult video store in my name!! What a lame birthday gift...........but I digress.

Den sent me the video because anybody who has ever read anything I've written on this subject knows I love to see solo scenes of guys masturbating. What can I say? It's the supressed Catholic gurl in me asserting her sexual independence!! The badder the better. There was one solo guy scene included in this DVD, so Den was sweet enough to see that I got it. Thanks, Richard, for sending!

The solo scene was 24.5 minutes long, and it was 12.5 minutes into the scene before I ever got a look at the gay dude's cock. Sorry, but there's no way ANY ONE is going to convince me this dude (or the majority of the other guys in this movie and I'm saying "majority" only because I didn't look at all of them) is straight, even if he is appearing in a "couple's flick". Most of the first 12 minutes was spent playing with his nipples, rubbing himself through his tidy whities and dry humping the couch. Wow. Who couldn't get turned on at the sight of a grown man dry humping furniture? (This must be where the three guys on YouTube got the idea.) All of this was interspersed with shots of the wallpaper and the dude's feet. The music was as slow and boring as the scene. Yes, Playgirl even managed to screw up a solo sex scene. I didn't realize that was even possible.

For giggles--Lord knows it wasn't for the sexual excitement--I decided to check out the first chapter of this movie entitled "Astronauts." For the first five minutes of the scene it showed a chick wandering aimlessly through Playgirl's version of a space ship, and off in another direction, the guy was wandering aimlessly until they met up and begin sexing each other up. I didn't bother to watch the rest of the scene because again, the "straight actor" was too doggone gay.

Can you FEEL my frustration?!

As a healthy, heterosexual woman who USED TO enjoy watching old school porn, let me just say, hey, Playgirl, what happened to casting HETEROSEXUAL GUYS IN HETEROSEXUAL VIDEOS? Guys who aren't afraid of a little body hair? Guys who don't try to not so subtly slip athletic poses into their "masturbation" scenes? I don't want men who look like women, I want men who like women. In closing, may I suggest a title change to this DVD? Anti-Climactic Tales is much more appropriate.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

an open letter to bacon

An open letter to bacon: "Dear Bacon, I love you. I think I've always loved you. I can't remember a time when I didn't crave your greasy, fatty sensuousness.
I love the way your crunchy, salty goodness slides down my throat, and occasionally gets caught there when I haven't fried you enough.
There are times I get angry with you, like when I have to hack you up because I'm choking on your fat, but even then I think "bacon didn't mean to hurt me," and all is forgiven.
When I see you on my plate, next to my dippy eggs, I get so excited my mouth waters in anticipation.
I love you soooo much that I'm willing to overlook the fact that you haven't been good to me. You're full of unhealthy nitrates and you're probably killing me by
clogging up the very arteries I need to survive. But who cares, right? You're my guilty pleasure.
When I see you in the meat case, I find myself compelled stop and fondle your smooth, cool package. I flip you over this way and that way, admiring your meat.
I tell myself that you're no good for me that you'll never love me the way Iove you, but then I hear your siren's song
as I walk through the meat department and you lure me in all over again.
Even when South's neighbor sent me my ex-pet pig Lassie all cured and delicious, I ate her without hesitation,
proving what some people have said about me for years: it doesn't matter how good a friend you are,
if I'm hungry and you're pork or a pork byproduct, I will eat you.
I guess I can't understand then, why you don't love me? What have I done wrong? Yesterday when I ate you,
my gall bladder hurt for hours.(And I'm not feeling so hot right now either.) Why, bacon, why have you forsaken me?"

MEN! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...Pt Deux

I totally hate the stock market and all things related, but lately I've gotten hooked on reading about my Hott Cops site status on Blogshares.com. Apparently the "value" of Hott Cops shot all the way up to $8, 544 in January for no reason that I can figure. It remained high for two months, then dropped all the way back down to $3,544 in April. Damn you, April, and your showers, too!

What I found funny about the entire process, though, was when guys voted on what type of "industry" the Hott Cops blog represented. Some of their responses were: law enforcement, photoblog, civil service, photography, society, hobbies, female and English. Gee, "English". There's a big label of nothingness. I hate to tell them, but they're ALL wrong. Hott Cops is a SEX BLOG. As in "I wish I be having sex with these hott guys...."

MEN! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

My husband really upset me last night. We were talking about the neighbors and I mentioned that I always had to talk to the husband first or he wouldn't bother to say anything to me. They moved in about a year and a half ago, and it's always been this way. Half the time it pisses me off, so I just act like I don't see him.

Mr. G said, "Maybe he just feels uncomfortable talking to you." Gee, thanks. I said, "Why would he feel uncomfortable talking to ME? I'm not a freaking cyclops, for Pete's sake! His wife doesn't have any problem talking to me. And his wife doesn't have any problem talking to you." Then he just gave me the old "I don't know" line of bullshit and walked away. That totally hurt my feelings, though. I don't usually have problems talking to guys, but Mr. G insists that some men do have problems talking to women. Hell, I'm not interested in dating the nitwit, just a simple "hello, how's it going?" now and then. I don't think it's too much to ask. So from now on, the dude is dead to me. LOL! Ok, that's drastic, I admit, but it hurt my feelings damn it!

microsoft buys firefox!!

Check out the top 25 web hoaxes and pranks. Tell the truth now....how many have YOU fallen for? South got me on #14. But there are many I've never heard of.

Jason Jones to Jon Stewart, when Stewart asked him what we need
to do about the Middle East crisis: "What 'we', Jon? I'm Canadian. Everybody loves us. We're like the world's gay friend."

I love that Vonage commercial where random folks are discussing how great it is, and the one guy says, "Nobody ever says 'hey, are you on VOIB'?"
That's because nobody knows what the hell VOIB is.

I saw a story on CNN this morning about a guy who was arrested for driving his houseboat while drunk. Hey! Don't judge him harshly! I won't say who, but some of us have been known to drive our trailers while drunk...

Stephen Colbert, discussing the Pope and poverty: "He knows about poverty. The Vatican is filled with priceless paintings on the subject."

Monday, May 21, 2007

bee healthy

I love this satrical article by Mike Adams on how the medical industry is dealing with the collapse of the honey bee colonies:

Following the mysterious, accelerating collapse of honeybees across North America and Europe -- a condition dubbed "Colony Collapse Disorder" -- ConPfuzer, a top pharmaceutical company, has announced a new, patented medication designed to treat the disorder by drugging honeybees with psychotropic chemicals. ConPfuzer shares rose $14 in trading today as ConPfuzer's lead pharmaceutical entomologist created quite a buzz with his explanation of how the new drug -- called "Buzzalin" -- might work. "We have discovered that honeybees are suffering from a brain chemistry disorder," said Dr. B. Pollen, a top researcher at the company. "Our new drug, Buzzalin, has been clinically shown to control the symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder while causing no more than two percent of the bees to commit suicide," Dr. Pollen explained.

Drug development tests were conducted on thousands of bees in the Midwest. Normally, 72 percent of bees suffering from Colony Collapse Disorder become mysteriously disoriented and cannot find their way back to the hive. But after treatment with Buzzalin, 99 percent of the bees returned to the hive on their own. Unfortunately, the other one percent of bees returned carrying automatic weapons which they used against fellow bees. The event made the evening news (because violence = ratings!) but was not considered an obstacle to FDA approval because "the drug benefits outweigh its risks," according to the FDA.

A panel of nine FDA drug safety experts approved the drug last week. Six of the nine have received consulting fees from ConPfuzer, and the other three were bribed with illicit pollination promises.

The buzz in psychiatry
The psychiatric community has reacted favorably to ConPfuzer's announcement. "We believe that honeybees need psychiatric care too," said Dr. Arthur Podd, a world authority on ADHD in animals and insects. "Up to 80 percent of honeybees may currently suffer from symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder and not even know it," Dr. Podd said. "We need to set up screening and treatment centers to get these bees the medicine they need. No bee should be left untreated," he said.

But some skeptics questioned the need for using mental health drugs on honeybees. When ConPfuzer's Dr. Pollen was asked how such simple, tiny brains could be diagnosed with a behavioral disorder, he offered a stinging response. "No brain is too small to understand the need for psychiatric medicine!"

Side effect warning signs: Honeybesity
Side effects from Buzzalin are already starting to emerge. Honeybees that continue to take the drug for more than one month begin to experience significant weight gain, and many are being diagnosed with a new disease called, Honeybesity. "Overweight honeybees don't fly very well," explained Adrew Apis, a honeybee researcher working at the University of Missouri, Columbia. "Even if they make it out to the flower and collect some pollen, they sort of crash land back in the hive like a damaged fighter jet on an aircraft carrier, spilling their pollen granules all over the inside of the hive and getting their wings stuck in the honey."

But ConPfuzer has promised to come up with a new drug to treat Honeybesity. "Our goal is to end Honeybesity by making beekeepers pay the highest prices in the world for Buzzalin," explained Dr. Pollen. "We'll then take the profits from those sales and pay huge bonuses to our shareholders and CEOs. Whatever's left will be invested in the search for a cure for Honeybesity. We believe it is the obligation of American beekeepers to pay the highest prices in the world for medicine so that we can raise the money needed to search for yet more drugs that we can sell back to the same people at profiteering prices."

The U.S. Senate agreed, passing a law banning the importation of honeybees from other countries and mandating a national "honeybee mental health screening program" covering all honeybees currently in the United States. All such bees found to fly in zig-zag patterns will be deemed "Attention Deficit Hyperactive" and be put on Buzzalin or other patented drugs.

ConPfuzier has also funded a Colony Collapse Disorder support group that's designed to "keep honeybees on our drugs forever" while telling them they're actually getting well. A nationwide "Run For the Cure" event is also being organized that involves disturbing a hive of killer Africanized bees and watching them chase gullible consumers around a football field while they cough up cash for every mile survived.

Behind closed doors, Big Pharma executives are drooling over the market opportunities that have emerged from Colony Collapse Disorder. After successfully drugging most humans and pets through a campaign of medical domination, pharmaceutical companies have been looking into new markets for expansion. "Insects appear to be the next great frontier in pharmaceutical profits," proclaimed one press release sent out by the PHARMA trade group. "We see huge market opportunites in honeybees, spiders, ants and bed mites. Of course, we will also pursue new opportunities for drugging human infants and newborns, but the real growth in selling drugs will be found in turning insects into patients," the press release reported.

All that remains is convincing the public that bees actually have mental health diseases requiring chemical treatment. This is being accomplished through Big Pharma's new campaign that claims: "Insects are people, too!"

About Colony Collapse Disorder: This disease, also known as ADHBee, is caused by a brain chemistry imbalance in honeybees that makes them act like teenagers: They don't come home on time, and even when they do show up, they smell like pollen and refuse to say where they've been. Although this article is a joke, the disorder is real, and honeybee populations are collapsing all across North America and Europe.

you take my self-control

The White House folk are a bit pissed off at Jimmy Carter saying the Bush administration has been "the worst in history."
What had me laughing though was the comment that came from someone in the White House who said Carter was "increasingly irrelevant."
If something or someone is not relevant, how can it become increasingly not relevant?

The chick at the center of this whole Tennessee state trooper/blowjob mess says, "All this over a blow job. How outrageous." Yeah, like she's not loving every minute of television news and internet exposure. Hell, she even has her vid on YouTube.

Hmm, further proof gastric bypass is not a "permanent" weight loss solution: Al Roker said he's gained 30 pounds back. I think it's been almost a year (or more) since Randy Jackson (American Idol) had his surgery and he never really became thin. It's strange some people seem to lose really quickly and they lose a lot, and others never seem to get down that much. Roseanne is another person who never got really thin, although she had the pouch operation, so I don't know how much they expect them to lose.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday. I appreciate it! And the cards, Bugs, and Copluvr. Bugs sent me four, Copluvr sent me three. I opened my email and saw all the Hallmark links, and I thought they HAD to be duplicates. They weren't.
Mr. G bought me three Azalea bushes and we planted them last night. He said, "These will be your living legacy, honey. Every time we see them, we'll remember that we planted them on your birthday."
I said, "Yeah, you're not going to mow them down next week, are you? You know, like you did all my fire bushes?"
No lie. Female Offspring #1 and I painstakingly planted about fifteen fire bushes across the front of the house one summer and he mowed every one of them down thinking they were weeds. Sigh.

Gmail promises that you have so much space in your account, you'll never
have to delete another email message. All these years I've been almost compulsive about wanting a perfectly clean inbox and now this!
I CAN'T HANDLE THE STRESS!

I don't consider myself a cruel person, really I don't, but every time I see that GEICO commercial where the gecko is riding up the escalator, I think, 'wouldn't it make for a GREAT commercial if he got his tail caught and got sucked in under the stairs'?!" Admit it, you want to see it, too.

I saw a commercial for a new movie and the one dude said, "Each time you answer a question incorrectly, I will detonate a bomb."
I thought, geez, if those questions are based on science or geography or history or math,
I'd be leaving behind one hell of a wide path of death and destruction...

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Houston, we have achieved birthday status!!


"Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
I looooove hott cops and .... and....it's my birrrrthday, too."
It doesn't have to rhyme, damn it!
It's my birthday!
My age, you ask? I am officially one year older than I was last year.

The dancing penis is going to help me celebrate---->

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and I heard a commercial for Match.com. They GUARANTEE you a match within 6 months.
Yes, I can see it now:
Psycho applying for the perfect woman: "List your favorite activities: I enjoy murdering people, cooking them on my stove and putting them in my freezer to gnosh on at a later date."
Match.com: "We've found the perfect match for you! She sells appliances for a living!"

Ok for some funky reason Blogger keeps changing the comments thingy to "don't allow." ARRRGGGHHH!!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

jumble my ass, will ya?

Ok, what the hell is this Jumble word?! I'm stuck..........

IRONIG


UPDATE: origin

Damn it! There's twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back...

truth in advertising

Brooke sent this joke...

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in
the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants
to talk to you."

Friday, May 18, 2007

one day and counting....

Damn you, Blogger,for switching positions of the "save as draft" and "publish post" buttons!! Damn you to hell!

These appliance companies get you coming and going. My boss bought a new fridge in November and it has the cold water/ice feature on it. The filter already needs replaced and it costs $40. So it's not bad enough that she shelled out over one thousand dollars for the fridge, now she'll need to pay $80 a year for water filters. I keep telling her to forget it and run it without a filter like it says you can do in the manual. Yes, for once, I READ THE MANUAL!!

I was flipping through channels yesterday afternoon and I came across JTV--Jewelry Television. They were showing a
10kt gold, 1/2 carat champagne diamond ring, and the chick said, "This ring will change your life."
Really? Nothing less than a 18kt gold, 5 carat diamond is going to change this Goddess' life, lady.

I bought one of those SpiderMan Web Blasters. Not for the offspring, for me. What a great idea! You squeeze the trigger and it shoots and spins a web. Yesterday when
Female Offspring #8 and Male Offspring #8 were getting into EVERYTHING, I shot a web around them and they couldn't get into a damn thing.
I think they should change the title of this toy to SpiderMan Web Blasters: the Mommy's Little Helper Edition.

A couple of interesting things on the news this morning. A local doctor is being investigated and no one seems to know why. The police cordoned off his office and home, and began taking things from inside. The news crew arrived and the reporter said the police refused to tell her what was happening. SO dipshit proceeds to ask bystanders what's happening. Oy vey! If the damn cops won't say, how is JoeBlowSchmoe supposed to know? So all we heard was a bunch of people saying "I have no idea what's happening."
The funniest was a woman who said, "I went over and asked the cops what was going on, but they refused to tell me."
Hell, even I have the intelligence and the sensitivity to send one of the offspring over and get them to ask.
The other interesting thing on the news was the mention of gas prices rising eleven cents overnight.
The announcer says, "Check out our website where we have a handy gas calculator. You can figure out
how much your next fill up will cost. " Gee, I'm thinking eleven cents more a gallon than the last time ya filled up.

the war at home

Damn. Alberto Gonzales needs to resign already. Every time he opens his mouth about what he doesn't remember, he sounds dumber and dumber. I've known people with Alzheimer's who have better recall.

I stopped at the grocery store this morning to buy salad fixins' for work. Guess how much they're charging for a pound of Bing Cherries?
SIX FREAKING DOLLARS! Of course, they prettied it up by charging $5.99 a pound, but who are they kidding? That's insane.Between companies hitting us up for their gas costs and the minimum wage increases, consumers are getting zapped everywhere lately.
And when the full minimum wage increase kicks in, we're REALLY going to be feeling it. I stopped at Vitamin World the other day to buy some whey protein because I love having shakes in the summer, even though the whey hates me. The last time I bought it, it cost $25, which I thought was high. Now it's up to $32, so I took a pass. I was reading about a new protein powder on newstarget.com that is plant based, so I'm going to try some of that and see if it agrees with me more.
I love having a banana/strawberry/whey shake with some flaxseed oil tossed in for breakfast in the summer, but after a couple days, I get huge welts on my chest and throat. Plus, the whey is VERY constipating, so I'm hoping this new stuff will be more agreeable to my system.

I know one person who's probably damn sorry she bought me a birthday gift--Overtime Hawg. She left it for me after work yesterday and I called her last night saying I couldn't work for her on the 31st. She was like, "Ooooh," and then she went silent. I honestly think she was trying to work up some tears. Then I said, "I'm sure Boss #1 will work for you," and she said, "But then I'll lose those hours." I thought,
"After ya tried to screw me out of pay last week, do ya really think I'm going to have any sympathy for you?" 14 days off a month, you'd think she'd have PLENTY of time to schedule her damn appointments on her own time. One of my co-workers told me Boss #1 filled in her for a few hours this week because O.H. had a gyne appointment.
That's just ridiculous to be scheduling stuff like that when you're working and expect everyone to kiss your ass and fill in. Anywho, O.H. bought me a small birthstone bracelet from Avon--for AUGUST, despite the fact that this is MAY--and
a small lapel birthstone tac pin--for AUGUST. Her birthday is next week and I'm smelling the obligatory box of candy. Ya know this bullshit has to be a female thing.
I NEVER hear any of my guy friends say, "JoeBlow bought me some aftershave for my birthday so now I have to buy him a damn gift, even though I don't even like him!" No, guys have the common sense and the smarts NOT to buy gifts for people they don't like. C.P. told me he's going to donate to a charity in my name for my birthday gift, and I told him I'd slap him right upside the head if he even THINKS about doing that.
Last time I checked my last name wasn't Rockafeller. I'm not some rich person who can afford to take a pass on their birthday gift. I'm a greedy, gift loving chick and my favorite charity is M.E.
Mr. G is pissed because when Female Offspring #1 graduated h.s., the neighbors gave her $25, and now that their son is graduating, I sent him $25.
He said, "We're just passing money back and forth!"
I said, "Of course we are. Now play nice. Besides, high school graduations aren't a get rich quick scheme."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

i'm just an old chunk of coal, but i'm gonna be a diamond some day

Only three more days till my birthday, kids. I certainly won't tell you what to buy, as long as you follow these two "recommendations": make sure the gift is (at least!) double digits and spendable...

Did you read the story about the man from Japan who left his 3 year old son in an anonymous drop box for babies? That's a horrible thing to do to your child. If you can't care for your child, at least have the compassion to turn him over to the proper authorities and not just leave him behind like so much garbage. That's awful.

Oooooooo, BIG goings on in the trailer court last night!! Lurlene's daughter was hauled away for--of all things--THEFT! Ya know it's a pretty sad day when ya can't teach your kids to steal properly. Anywho, the cops showed up and I ran outside so I could be a LOOKY LOO! A RUBBERNECKER! A NOSY BEOTCH!
I've always wanted to experience what my neighbors have been experiencing since I moved my brood into da court, and guess what? It felt damn good. Especially when the cops were dragging off somebody else's kid for a change. For once, I didn't have to lie and scream, "It's all a big mistake! My kid's innocent!" It unfolded just like a segment on COPS. They dragged Lurlene Jr out of the trailer kicking, screaming, and cursing like a sexually frustrated, financially bankrupt sailor with no money to spend on willing whores. The only thing missing was Lurlene Jr spreading her legs and showing her underwear..........because she wasn't wearing any.
And may I just say, somebody needs to take a weed wacker to that bush.
If it keeps growing at the current rate, even a good strong herbcide won't be capable of stunting it's growth. Oh, and the brunette carpets do not match the blonde curtains.

I think I'm going to start a romance novel review page on my main site. Lord knows I read enough of them, but I'm going to write HONEST reviews. If I don't like something, I'm gonna say so, like I usually do when I write reviews.
Most review sites get their books for free, so they manage to say SOMETHING nice about every book. Screw that. I get disgusted when I spend
my hard earned money on something that sucks because I was totally misled. But since I'm buying (or borrowing) my own books, I am free to tell the truth.
And since I just borrowed 26 romance novels from the library yesterday, I think now might be a good time to start writing reviews. Besides, often times the only place I can find a summation of the novel's plot is on the author's site, so this will be a page where people can check out the novel's synopsis.

One of G4's video viewer questions was "where's the best place to hide porn?"
I find the best place to hide my porn is right next to the tv, so I can find it when I want it. Write things on the DVDs like "Aunt Judy Gives Birth DVD #3--Losing the Mucus Plug," "Grandma's Life Lessons," "The Proper Way To Clean The Lint From Your Belly Button" or "Cousin Milton's Circumcision--The Colorized Version."
That'll keep the kids from looking at them. Gotta watch with that belly button lint DVD. Some kids get curious.
So where do you hide YOUR porn?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

ok 'fess up....how many of these have you used?

Phew! I haven't used any of these....

According to PC Magazine, these are the ten most popular computer passwords:
10. Your first name
9. Blink182
8. Password1
7. Myspace1
6. monkey
5. letmein
4. abc123
3. qwerty
2. 123456
1. password

i still don't have the reason and you don't have the time

I can't WAIT for my neighbor to get his stupid garage built. Yesterday I was
hell bent on sleeping in and he had the cement floor poured at 6:30 a.m. I didn't even know there WAS a 6:30 a.m. on your day off. I thought it was illegal. They didn't finish till after 10, so there was no chance of going back to sleep then.

Yesterday I had my first tomato sandwich of the season. Moments later, I promptly informed Mr. G that I'm "sick of tomatoes."
(I enjoy dicking with him....in more ways than one.) Last week he brought home two pints of delicious looking strawberries, and made a point of telling me he bought them just for me. Uh huh. So I took one, ate it and said, "Ok, I'm sick of strawberries now." LOL!
Before I reveal my secret family tomato sandwich recipe, I want you to know I'm NOT trying to compete with Stacey, who keeps posting pics of meals that look like they came straight from the pages of Delicious Food Magazine. (If there were such a thing.) And I'm not competing
with Mushy, either. Despite the fact that he has a whole doggone site devoted to his cooking, as if eating is a daily occurance at his house.
A whole site, Stacey. Just about the cooking.
On to the tomato sandwich recipe: Toast two slices of bread lightly. (Or darkly, as if I give a shit.) Butter and slather with Miracle Whip. Seriously, just like the dog in the commercial, if you don't have MW, forget the whole damn sandwich. Now this next part of the recipe is really important: cut tomato into thin slices. Nothing ruins a tomato sandwich more than some inexperienced jackass trying to cram a whole tomato between two slices of toast. Layer tomato slices onto toast, season with salt and pepper. Slice into four equal triangles cuz that's the way Mom always did it! Eat and repeat until your bellyaches. Trust me, you won't find a culinary masterpiece like that on Stacey's or Mushy's sites.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing, sing a song

Good grief. I can't believe I instantly remembered the lyrics to that Sesame Street song quoted above. Oy!

I heard Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" this morning. You know the song...
"What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care..."
Damn. That should be the official anthem of stalkers everywhere.

Speaking of music, is there a song that you hear on the radio--no matter how old--that you
instantly lose yourself in? For me, it's Good Vibration by Marky Mark. Oh, and the Funky Bunch.
Don't ask me why, but that song is so energetic and the female background singer is so strong in her vocals. I just love it.
And btw, it's very distracting when you hear a song like this when you're driving, and can't afford to get lost in the song. Incidentally, you can tell the female background singer is chubby. If she were a hott skinny chick, she'd be all over this damn video, instead of getting a few head shots here and there. Just like the old Wilson Phillip's vids with Carnie Wilson.

Monday, May 14, 2007

are you down for the ride?

After opening my Mother's Day gift, I decided I can't *wait* for Christmas.....when I'm giving all my offspring a free three day mental health "checkup". Female Offspring #1 came home for the weekend, so it was nice to have my family all here together for Mother's Day. Aside from that whole colonscopy thing, it was good to have the weekend off. Usually everyone is home and I'm working. The offspring bought me a hanging basket of flowers and a couple flats of flowers to pot outside. I'll work on those today and tomorrow.

I watched the series ending of The King of Queens. It was incredibly weird. They tried to jam pack a lifetime of "happily ever after's"
into three or four weeks worth of shows. First Carrie wanted to move to an apartment in Manhattan, so she moved out. Doug refused to go. Carrie's father decided to get married, so he moved out, too. Then while attending marriage counseling because Doug's mother insisted on it, Doug and Carrie suddenly decided they wanted to adopt a Chinese baby. Because Carrie lied to him about getting rid of her apartment, Doug said he wanted divorce.
Pretty comical since Mr. G and I have noticed that he lies to her in almost every episode of the nine years it's been on. Just as they were getting ready to adopt the Chinese baby, Carrie found out she was pregnant, so they adopted one and she gave birth to another.Geesh could they jam any more cliché material into one series ending? The only thing that was missing was them winning the lottery. Although, I gotta admit, I LMAO last week at Doug riding around the house in a motorized scooter. It all seemed soooo familiar.
One funny part of tonight's show was when Arthur's bride to be ditched him because he *wasn't* gay and he decided to marry Spence's mom instead.
When she accused him of only marrying her because he was trying to save face, he said, "I'm petty and vain and I thought I could do better. Now I realize I can't." LOL!

Holy smokes! Reba McEntire is sporting some Dolly Parton sized boobs in the
commercials for the upcoming county music award show. Did she have a Britney Spear's type "growth spurt"?

I don't get it. If Brit was so thrilled to shave her head and it was a sign of her independence, blah blah, why is it that every time I see her, she's wearing an incredibly BAD wig?

in English this time, please........

Female Offspring #2 translated her Mother's Day post into ENGLISH for me. Here ya go:

This is Female Offspring #2, the text messenger queen writing the parental unit's update. The parental unit better appreciate this because I am taking time from my busy text messaging schedule to write this and I hate losing text time. Mom thinks I text too much. She says we need more face to face conversations. In my never even remotely humble opinion, I think she needs to get a life. For what it's worth, our relationship is okay, and she needs to chill. Don't quote me on this, but most mothers and daughters don't get along and we're no different, as far as I can see. We have our good days nd bad. Most years we buy Mom something she likes on Mother's Day like cake and candy. This year's gife was my idea: a certificate for an all expenses paid colonoscopy. We can't wait to see the look on her face when she gets it. The colonoscopy, that is. I am smiliing from ear to ear thinking about it and Female Offspring #3 is giggling hard. Keep your fingers crossed there are pics for us to post online. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!! Ta ta for now. Hugs and kisses. End of message.

And she gets mad when I say she texts too much.........................W/E! LOL.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

it's mommy's day!!


This is Female Offspring #2, the txt msgr queen writing the PU's update. The PU better appreci8 this because I M tkng time from my busy txt msging schedule 2 write this & I H8 losing txt time. Mom thinks I txt 2 much. She says we need more F2F conversations. IMNERHO, I think she needs to GAL. FWIW, our relationship is OK, & she needs 2 chill. DQMOT, but most mothers & daughters don't get along & we're no different, AFAIC. We have r good daze & bad. Most yrs we buy Mom something she likes on MD like cake & candy. This yrs gft was my idea: a cert 4 an all expenses paid colonoscopy. We can't wa8 2 c the look on her face when she gets it. The colonoscopy, that is. I M SFETE thinking about it and Female Offspring #3 is GIGH. Keep UR fingers crossed there R pics 4 us to post onlne. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!! TTFN XOXO EOM

4 mom on MD

1 of her fav tunes

they say it's your birthday



Happy Birthday to that super sexy Stephen Colbert!!!
Seems like all the wonderful people were born in May.