Monday, April 30, 2007

goodbye april

Wow. Another month has quickly come to an end. Can my May birthday be that far behind??? I can't WAIT to be forty-five!
(Course I said that exact same thing three years ago...)

The NAACP has announced that it will put the "n word" to rest in a mock funeral this coming June. Here's an idea, NAACP, why don't you join us in 2007 and put the word "colored" to rest while you're at it? Then you can be NAAAA. Has a good ring to it, if ya axe me.

The stabbing sensation of a knife in my back is starting to feel real familiar.
Remember how I filled in for Overtime Hawg because she was having problems with her mouth? She found out I was working OT on Tuesday night and she went behind my back, called up the girl who was taking off and said SHE could work those hours since she was already going to be there anyway. This is the woman who was too damn sick to work on Saturday. Uh huh. My co-worker told her that she had already made other arrangements. What a perfectly ungrateful bitch.

But enough of that crap. It is a BEAUTIFUL breezy day in Pennsylvania which means I'm outside hanging up clothes. I have about six loads of laundry to do today. Imagine all the germs I'm collecting, South!! That was the one thing I hated about staying at South's place last time: I couldn't hang my laundry outside. You'd be AMAZED at how many pairs of shorts a piglet goes through in a week.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

it's a sign of the times

For the doomsayers on the planet, I give you a global incident map.

It automatically refreshes every 300 seconds and it shows places where incidents of terroristic acts, suspicious activity and general terrorism news are taking place.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

wth?!


I don't know if it's indicative of the Burmese breed or what, but every time
<---Little Cat aka Stupid Cat takes a drink of water from the dish, she'll put her front feet in, and with one paw, she'll stir up the water. Then she'll drink with her feet STILL in the water.

Oooooooooo yeah, she's really earned that nickname.

i'll definitely be reading this book....

I bet Ron will, too! He's a HUGE Colbert fan....LOL!

Check out
the NoFact Zone if you *ARE* a Colbert fan.

Blads-Cover


Squirrel

they come runnin' just as fast as they can

The Colbert Nation strikes again! I went here to the TV.com awards to vote for
Stephen as "Best Dressed Host," and natch, he's blowing away the competition.
I'm totally ashamed for Jimmy Kimmel who only has like 0.2% of the votes so far, while Stephen has 95%.
But, as I said to Mushy last week "every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."

Since I'm on the subject, "Rough Boy" is one of my all time favorite ZZTop songs, but this is a close second.......

take it off! take it all off!

Ooooooooooooooo if only I had the nerve.......and the body of 21 year old.

it's a typical situation in these typical times


Oooooooooo weeeee, it's gonna be such a GOOD day! I informed Mr. G to pencil me in for sex AND there's two brand new eps of COPS tonight. It doesn't get much better than that.

Repeat after me: "Drugs make me smart."


Yesterday while I was at work watching tv and the offspring were doing my work on "take your sons & daughters to work day",
I heard Female Offspring #7 mutter, "What's so great about this? It's just like every other day at home." Indeed. I fared much better than my gf. She got a speeding ticket from the four year old son of a cop and had a mammogram taken by the six year old daughter of a nurse.

When I got to work yesterday, one of my co-workers began complaining about how Overtime Hawg
scheduled an appointment on the last day of her time off instead of the first day. O.H. was worried she'd have problems at the dentist so she asked me to fill in on Friday. Evidently she caught me in a bored mood because I said 'yes'. So the co-worker was going on and on about how O.H. should schedule her appointments early in the week, so as not to disrupt the schedules. (Truthfully, the only schedule it affected was mine.) In the very next breath, she says to me, "I have a gyne appointment on Tuesday afternoon. Can you work Tuesday night for me?" despite the fact that she's off Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
Late yesterday afternoon, O.T. called me and asked me if I would work for her today also because her mouth hurt and--this is where she started the fake crying that she always does-- and she "just didn't know what to do". I said, "Sorry, I can't help you. I won't have a car tomorrow." (Blatant lie, but as usual, I do one favor for her and she wants another one.) "Why don't you call Boss #1? I'm sure she'll work for you."
"Then I'd lose my hours. That's ok. I'll be there."
Now this is what grabs my ass: I sympathize with her mouth pain, but she was talking perfectly fine, and what good does staying home do?

Interesting (and true) police blotter items:
# Assist: An 80-year-old woman calling from the 1400 block of Racine Road dialed 911 because an airline promised her the arrival of her suitcase by 8 a.m. and it did not show up. She said the bag had her medications in it, and when she called the airline the message told her to call 911 in case of an emergency.
# Suspicious situation: A paper carrier reported that on four occasions in the past six months, she had found a vibrator on the back deck of a house in the 1300 block of Geneva Road.
Who knew the paper carriers were paying that much attention?
My paper boy can't even find the paper box and Sherlock Holmes here is finding sex toys. Let that be a lesson to ya to keep your sex toys INside.

South says I'm crazy for thinking my "Dell" laptop battery gets three hours on a charge.
I am sooo pissed at him. Not for the "crazy" comment, I'm used to that. I'm pissed at him for thinking I'd own a DELL!! I'm a Gateway gal all the way, baby!

I like the fact that Jon Stewart is not afraid to show his grey hair. Even though only two years separate them, Stephen Colbert has jet black hair. Sorry, not buying it. I like Stephen, but he needs to embrace his grey. He would look super sexy(ier). His current color looks fakish.
<--Speaking of Stephen, check out his picture on the front of the latest GQ.


I saw an ad for a Superman comic book, and as usual I had to shake my head at the senselessness of it all.
Superman seems like a pretty smart guy, but his friends must be dumb as dirt. All he has to do is slick back his hair and don thick black glasses, and no one recognizes him. The fact that Clark had to TELL Lois he was Superman made me laugh my ass off. How unobservant can ya get? A career as a spy is not in her future.

I loved the Dilbert strip yesterday. The boss said to Tina, the tech writer, "I'm starting my own blog."
Tina: "Dear God, no!"
Boss: "Every day I will record my personal thoughts about our business. I need you to write the first one by noon. I can't wait to see what I'm thinking."

On Oprah yesterday, they were discussing the best place to meet single men over 35. They listed the top 5 cities and I found it interesting that Gayle kept finding fault with everything that was being said. The cities were: San Jose, Salt Lake City (Gayle said there were no black men there), Arlington, TX (Gayle said that the booming tech industry made it sound as if the men were all nerds and geeks), Raleigh, and San Fran. (Gayle was doubtful there were any straight men in San Francisco.)
Steve Santagati was trying to give Gayle and another chick tips on how to meet guys. He says "flirt and ask for help," and Gayle said, "Doesn't it bother you that a woman would ask you for help?" And the dude immediately said "no." He told them not to be on the cell phone when they're in a place like Home Depot. Makes total sense. He also told them not to be afraid to approach a man. Again, Gayle doubted that theory and he proved her wrong. He also told her that anytime she goes out, she should make sure she looks her best. Again, Gayle disagreed. He was saying dress neatly, with a minimal amount of makeup, but to look your best. That does make sense. I'm sensing Gayle doesn't really want a boyfriend because she's sure doing a fine job of talking herself out of it.

Friday, April 27, 2007

everybody's working for the weekend

Again, at the risk of stepping on Jay's toes, today is "take your sons and daughters to work day."
Luckily for my offspring, I have to cover for Overtime Hawg today. So I'm loading them all into the Kia and taking them to work with me. What a fabulous idea. I think they should rename this day: "make the offspring do your work day."

I watched "Night At The Museum" yesterday and I loved it. I give it a five out of five. I didn't care about the lame subplot about the robbery or the lame subplot with the ex-wife, but I LOVED the special effects and seeing the exhibits come to life.
Robin Williams was great, kind of what you expect Teddy Roosevelt to be like. Extra credit for using a FatBoy Slim song in the movie, too. I loved the part where Dick Van Dyke was showing Stiller's character around and he scared the shit out of him by jumping out of an exhibit, then said, "Seriously, though, no fooling around in here." LOL.
Bruno, if you like all the animated stuff, you might like this one, too.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

it's a beautiful day in pennsylvania


I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! And I am so happy to have my little laptop back in working order. Now I can take my time and read my favorite blogs without worrying that my computer will freeze. AND I can actually open more than one page at a time. My desktop might as well have a "Commodore 64" insignia stamped on it. It's a freaking dinosaur. I need more RAM and memory on it, but mostly more RAM.

If you have any package leaving Tennessee, just contact Mushy and he'll use his influence at UPS to get it sent right out! I am so glad I didn't pay extra for second day air because regular shipping had it here within three business days anyway. YAY!
Now I'm thinking maybe my battery is slowing down, too. I'm 99% sure I should have three hours of power when it's fully charged, but I only have two now. Hmmm....


Ya know, sometimes a gal's just gotta have it....


The other night I had a lousy case of heartburn--something I rarely get--and usually I take apple cider vinegar in warm water. That cuts it right away. We didn't have any of that, so I looked for my second favorite, baking soda in water. I couldn't find any of that either, so I was lying down, praying for it to pass when Male Offspring #2 brought me a glass of water with baking soda. I was so thrilled that he found the baking soda that I drank it right down, breaking my Number One Mom Rule: If your child asks you to drink, eat or smell something,
always ask questions first. I handed him the glass and said, "Where did you find the baking soda? I looked everywhere." He said, "There's an open box in the refrigerator. I'm surprised you didn't think of it. It's been in there for about four years now." UGH.

On my way to work in the morning, I drive through our local school zone. If I start at 8:30, there's usually a cop sitting near the school, "encouraging" people to slow down. Monday morning he was in his usual spot, head thrown back against the head rest, mouth wide open and you just *know* there was some serious snoring going on there. LOL! I'm guessing he had a long night.


So Rosie is leaving The View. Body language says it all. If you see the clip of Rosie announcing her departure, check out Joy Behar and Liz Hasselbeck's decided lack of response. They're showing no emotion because they're so busy singing "Oh, Happy Day!" in their heads.


The Today Show was on at work this morning when I arrived and the topic was "Wet Nurses." For those of you who don't know what a "wet nurse" is--though I'm guessing everyone does--it's a woman who breastfeeds other people's babies. On one hand, I have to commend these mothers for trying to give their baby the best possible start in life, and to let someone else do for them what they can't/don't want to. On the other hand, I would be afraid to have anyone else nurse my baby because of viruses and any other germs they might pass on via the breast milk. One thing that really caught my attention during this segment was when a woman said, "This is good for mother's who don't have time to feed their baby." Ok, seriously, people, if you are sooooo busy that you don't have the time to sit down and feed your baby, you have no business having a baby.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

take a look at my boyfriend he's the only one i got

Who knew Mushy had so much influence?! After just ONE DAY, my AC adaptor is already in New Stanton, PA!! Next stop....my trailer!! Go, Mushy!!

Damn. Just as I started to type this, I got an overwhelming craving for Ramen noodles. Ahh the joys of poverty. Can a craving for macaroni and cheese be far behind?

A few days ago when I talked about Allstate's hott spokesactor, Dennis H, Bugs emailed me and told me that when his commercials first started airing, people thought he was saying "That's Allstate's Stan," instead of "That's Allstate's Stand." Well, I understood him right from the start, but now everytime I hear the commercial, I have to laugh, cuz it DOES sound like "Stan".

An email from my sister alerted me to the fact that my goofy aunt is back in town for a few weeks. I called home and left this message, "QUICK!! Somebody get the "Geese for all Seasons" out of storage and slap them on the front porch! I think we "stored" them in the brown refrigerator in the back yard. Or the stove in the front yard. And for Pete's sake, MAKE SURE THEY'RE WEARING THEIR SUMMER OUTFITS!!!"

I've been trying to catch the last few episodes of "The King of Queens" since it's going off the air this season. Last night, Arthur was renting a video. He told Carrie he was renting a VHS tape because he doesn't
"digital VD player." LOL! Their commercial kept teasing that they were going to have a celebrity on that was "so big they couldn't show his face'. Whoopee. Adam Sandler. After that lame performance, I wouldn't show my face either.


Have you read about the State Trooper that was driving the New Joisey gub'ner when he had his accident? Now they're saying the trooper was possibly text messaging or reading an email while driving. Personally, I don't think this is the case. They suggested that the trooper was reading an email from an angryhusband who knew of the trooper's affair with his wife. I think someone--aka an angry husband--saw this as the perfect opportunity to let everyone know the trooper was having an affair with his wife and to cause trouble for him professionally. If it's true, very clever move.

I can't believe how delusional George Bush can be. When Alberto Gonzales went before Congress to testify about the firings of the attorneys, he used the phrases "I cannot recollect" and "I don't remember" almost 50 times. (My personal favorite was when he said "I don't recall if I remember...") Then Bush says that "Gonzales gave a very candid assessment" of the situation. Gonzales couldn't have been more vague if he tried. And if the number of "I don't remember's" are anything to go by, Lord how he tried.

CONGRATS TO SAM ELLIOT, hottie actor and new inductee to the Hall of Great Western Performers!!!! *swoon*

Russell Simmons was on The Colbert Report last night and he was discussing his new book, "Do You!". Simmons does a lot of Yoga, and talks about the importance of meditation and getting in touch with God/the Life Force within/whatever you want to call it. He told Stephen that it was important to spend time "connecting with thing that unifies us all." Colbert responded, "Anger?"

The other day when I was bitching about my gawd awful license picture, Mr. G said, "I read that the reflection you see in the mirror is not what you truly look like." I said, "So what you're saying is that while I think I look like Faith Hill, I actually look like Roseanne Barr?" Lovely.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

*insert squeals of delight here*

OMG! OMG! OMG! I just found out that my AC adaptor has been shipped already.....and from TENNESSEE!! Sweet, sweet TENNESSEE!

So help me God, if it takes till the 1st of May to get to Pennsylvania, I'll KILL Gateway!!

But thank you, Sweet Jesus, it's on the way!! YAY!!


danger there's a breakdown dead ahead

As I purge this drivel from my body, like so many e coli filled hamburgers, I'm listening to one of my all time favorite songs, Lido Shuffle by Boz Scaggs. I love this song. "Heart of Mine" by Scaggs is all time great, too.

And so Day 99 of being without my laptop begins....
Ok, ok, so maybe it's only Day 2, but it sure feels like it's been forever. I'm trying to fill my day with productive activities. Let's check out yesterday morning and see how I did:
5:40-7:20 exercised
7:20-7:30 showered for work
7:30-8:00 sobbed when I realized I couldn't take my laptop to work
8:00-8:05 dressed and left for work
8:05-8:30 sobbed the entire way to work; discreetly checked out several hott cops at Sheetz through the tears
8:30-9:00 arrived at work and ate breakfast
9:00-9:20 worked
9:20-noon ate, sobbed, sobbed, sobbed, ate, ate, sobbed while eating, did a little work
Wow. Ya know, I never realized how jam packed my mornings were until I read that.

I was reading an article in the paper last night about weight loss. The reporter said, "Specialists generally agree that sugery is the only proven method to keep weight off." That is a LIE. My co-worker had gastric bypass a year or so ago, and she's already gaining weight. They're trying to give the impression that you can't gain weight once you have this surgery and that isn't true. I just read an article a few weeks ago detailing how some people have had the surgery TWICE because of gaining weight after the first surgery.

I love the commercial for this week's episode of Halfway House, the FOX sitcom about a group of ex-cons living together. The one chick is waving a piece of paper in front of the other people, singing and taunting, "I just got my GED..." The guy in charge of them says, "That's not your GED. That's just the application." LOL!

I *heart* small town newspaper stories. There was a story in our paper yesterday about a woman whose indoor plant had grown tremendously large. They actually interviewed a greenhouse dude, who said, "That is a good sized plant." Phew! What the story would have lacked without *that* amazing insight!

My boss was watching the Waltons yesterday and Erin had her date, GW, at her house. GW said, "I like your parents." Erin replied, "I do, too." That just struck me as hilarious. I would *hope* "liked" her parents.

I was watching CNN this morning and they were telling the story of a man who had survived cancer twice in his youth and was making it his mission to climb certain mountains. His last name was Swarner (sp?). He was preparing to climb his seventh and final mountain. Here's the frightening part: he trained by carrying 100 pounds of sand and rocks on his back...AND he was
WHISTLING while he was carrying all this weight!! WTH?! I'm breathing so hard when I do Taebo that I can't even keep up an eight count, and this dude is WHISTLING! When I'm doing Taebo and I think I can't stand one more minute of it, I usually hit that part of the tape where Billy says, "Smile! I want to see you smile when you're working hard!" That always makes ME smile. It also makes me want to choke him....

and mannnnnny more


<---Yeah, that, Bugs! LOL....
Happy Birthday to one of my most loyal skimmers.
Hope ya have a great day, Bugs, filled with love, laugher,
and most importantly.....CAKE!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

the tide is high and i'm holding on i'm gonna be your number one

I was listening to CNN yesterday and they were discussing the whole Alex Baldwin phone call tirade with his 12 year old daughter. Besides calling your own child a "rude little pig, " I think the most disgusting thing about that incident is the way mother and dad are using her for their own ends. I had to roll my eyes at the sheer idiocy of Alec saying he was sad to hear his message being played on tv because of what it did to "the child." Yeah, not sad to hear Daddy rant like a lunatic and hurl insults at his young daughter. Sad for what the media is doing to the child. Color him clueless.

The military is so clever. Another story I heard on CNN concerned the Blue Angels precision flying team. Now I never really gave their existence a thought, I always found them to be cool and exciting to watch. But the reporter said the REAL REASON behind the Blue Angels is recruiting! That never even dawned on me until he said it. He said the shows draw millions, the kids think it's super cool and while their excitement is at fever pitch they lure 'em into the military with dreams of flying a fighter jet.

The Soup really enjoys giving it to Tyra Banks. They showed a clip of her with a young child, who said she got upset when the media called Tyra "fat." The Soup dude said, "On the next show Tyra sits down with a group of Iraqui refugees and talks about the tabloids calling her fat." LOL!

My laptop battery life is down to 17 frightening minutes. Oddly enough, I don't seem to miss it. I'm filling my time with quality activities. Yesterday, for instance, I spent a huge chunk of time watching the US Jump Rope Championship on ESPN2. I believe it followed the Scrabble tourney and the Spelling Bee. Sigh. Ok, yesterday I was so freaking bored I sat through "Superstar" with Molly Shannon and Will Farrell. I didn't even change the channel when it got bad--and trust me, it was baaaaaaaad. Although the part where she made out with the stop sign was hilarious. I also saw some COPS reruns, one of which featured Deputy Gavin Foster of the Pierce County Sheriff's D. Yowl, he is SOME KINDA HOTT. Especially with those sexy suspenders. Damn. I'm buying Mr. G a pair of those.....and a police uniform.

Speaking of COPS, South informed me last night that the picture on his new HDTV was so clear, he could see the doughnut powder on the dashboard of the cruiser when he was watching COPS. LOL!

I read an incredibly funny newspaper article on Saturday about folks who were told deregulating electricity prices would bring the cost DOWN. And--get this--THEY BELIEVED IT!! LOL! They couldn't figure out why their monthly bills have gone from $800 to $1800. Oooooh, have we learned NOTHING from cable deregulation?!

Did the Jenny Craig folks deliberately dress Valerie Bertinelli dowdy in her commercial so that she'll look hotter after the weight loss or what?! She couldn't look any more matronly if she tried.

Because I just can't let it go, I clicked on the Gateway link again today to find out where my adaptor is. This time it said, "Has three days passed yet? It's still on the shelf, bitch. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! And don't even be clicking this link tomorrow!"

Sunday, April 22, 2007

sunday morning coming down

At the risk of stepping on Jay's toes, today is Earth Day, people! The only day of the year that it's perfectly acceptable for you to go outside and kiss the ground you walk on.

Since the AC adaptor on my laptop has decided to leave this earth, I've been spending a lot of time reading. Only having one hour of battery time left will cause you to become quite miserly. A couple romance novels I've read lately featured ministers as the heroes, and I'm liking it. I guess my new site, hottministers.blogspot.com can't be far behind....LOL!

I called Gateway when I got home from work Saturday night and ordered a new adaptor. He said it would be $5.95 for shipping and I asked him the arrival date. He said, "May 1st." For a laptop-aholic like me, trying to make 55 minutes of laptop battery time last until May 1st is a feat and a half. I said, "Don't you have second day air?" He said, "Yes, that would cost $10 and your estimated delivery date is April 30th." WTF?! That made absolutely no sense to me. I pay almost double for it to arrive one day sooner? He went on to tell me that it would take three days just to process the farking order. Even if that were the case, you'd think I'd have the part by the 28th then. I received a confirmation email a few minutes ago, and it said, "Want to know where your order is right now? Click on the order confirmation page." So I did and it said, "Your order is sitting on the shelf, where it will continue to sit until three days have passed, you impatient ass!! Go read a book."

Saturday, April 21, 2007

i think i'm in trouble

Sweet weeping Jebus! Male Offspring #5 sent me a link to GodTube yesterday. And NOT ONE Jesus Christ Superstar clip to be had. How long before the Devil demands equal airtime with SatanTube? Annnd not to be outdone, the BlessedVirginMaryTube?

I came home from work last night and saw a new sign in our front yard. I rounded up all the usual suspects, aka the offspring, and said, "Ok, where did the sign that reads 'Secured by ADT' (the in-home alarm system) come from?"
Male Offspring #7 laughed and said, "I stole that from the neighbor's yard. Cool, huh?" Too damn bad the sign wasn't secured.

Have you seen the new Kia Spectra commercial where there's a bunch of Kia's fighting over good parking lot spaces, zooming in front of each other, then braking sharply? What they don't show you is that after that commercial was filmed, all the Kias required new brakes, which cost several hundred dollars. IF you can find the parts, that is.

They were showing some police training vids from Dooly County, Georgia on Spike yesterday. Good Lord, Mr. Ford, those deputies were HOTT!! They were big and beefy, and well, I don't remember much else because it was at this point that I started to drown in my own drool, and I had to quickly change the channel.

Ok, that anti drug commercial where the kids use leeches grosses me out every time I see it. Especially when the kid pulls his lower lip out to reveal a leech. UGH!!!

Another movie coming out on the 24th that I have on my NetFlix queue is "The Queen." That's it. I just felt you needed to know.

When I was looking for the eggplant yesterday, I was chatting with the produce dude. I commented on how expensive the produce was, and he said, "I find I get much better deals on produce at BlahBlah Market. I work here and I can't even afford their food. You ought to check out the prices at BlahBlah." While I appreciated him
telling me about cheaper prices, I thought, "if you think you can't afford the food when you're working, how are you going to afford it if the store closes because you're sending the store business elsewhere?"

There's an article on MSN about the 5 pairs of "must have" shoes for men and one is the wing-tip. I *heart* wing tip shoes. I think they are soooo sexy. And that's my two cents.

Friday, April 20, 2007

day of remembrance


I hope people will take a moment and pray for the family of the VA Tech shooter today, as well as for the victims. They not only have to deal with the loss of their son, but with the fact that he caused the deaths of so many innocent people.
I read that his family is under police protection and as a parent, I KNOW that they are experiencing a tremendous amount of anguish, too.

*note to self*

"Next time you ask Stacey for a recipe, make sure eggplant isn't $2.freaking79 A POUND!!!"

that girl is poison


Ok, I'm going on record: I pick De LaHoya, even though I think Mayweather will win.
I don't think De LaHoya is fighting that well lately, but I pick him because
<---I THINK HE'S HOTT!!!
Veerry scientific strategy on my part.
I do think Oscar needs some facial hair.

Another funny Happy Cow commercial. Two cows are in the barn and the rooster is
crowing. One cow mentions to the other that it's time to get up and out to the "lower forty." The other one says, "What's the rush? Hit the snooze." Next thing you see is the rooster flying out of the barn. LOL! What I wouldn't have given to be able to "hit the snooze" when the neighbor's damn roosters decided to move into our yard.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

kicking down the cobblestones looking for fun and feeling groovy

Well that's just freaky. I tried and tried to post that pic of Larry the Cable Guy's character in "Cars" last night and it wouldn't work. I logged on a few minutes ago to try it again and there it was!

Do you ever feel like time goes by in the blink of an eye? Today I received notice of my 30th high school reunion. I'm like "This has GOT to be a mistake." THIRTY YEARS since I graduated high school? Here's the ironic part: I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Sigh.

I just finished reading an article that claims Baby Boomers are "embracing their grey hair" and not coloring it. SCREW. THAT. I'm not letting all my grey hang out because with blonde hair, you go grey (or white) early on. I'll be danged if I'm walking around in my 40's with a head of grey hair. Yet another stupid idea. What next? Pet rocks?

the scoop, the dip and the 411


I watched "Cars" last night. I gotta say that Larry the Cable Guy's tow truck character looked exactly the way he sounded. It was hilarious. And for sumdum reason Blogger isn't letting me upload the pic so you can see how funny it is. I'll try tomorrow.
My favorite line in the whole flick was when Larry said, "I'm happier than a tornader in a trailer park!" I give this movie a four out of five. It was cute though in that all the characters were cars. There weren't any people in the movie at all.
I'm getting a lot better at guessing the voices, though. The only one I couldn't place in "Cars" was Katherine Helmond. I knew the voice, but I couldn't put a face to it.

Jay informed me that it's Rip TAYLOR I'm thinking of, not Rip Torn.
I thought they were both named Rip Torn. Good thing he's on top of this sort of stuff!
The DMV dude has a bad toupee EXACTLY like Taylor has. Brrrr.
Hard to believe two different men could make the same tragic mistake, huh?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

meds...they do a body good

Interesting. The Virginia Tech shooter was on antidepressant medication as were the shooters at Columbine.

like a game show contestant with a parting gift, i could not believe my eyes

Last night I was yakking it up with my gf Copluvr on IM and I mentioned my fun day of running around. She said, "Oh, Goddess, please, PLEASE can I come with you? There is no one wittier or more interesting that I'd rather be with. My life is an empty, barren hole of nothingness, but spending time with you will make it all worthwhile."
Ok, that wasn't exactly what she said, but that's the way it translates out in my head, so pffft. I picked her up around 8:40 and we went to the DMV. All the way to the DMV, I had the perfect hair going. I had my bangs to the side, feathering perfectly, and WISPS of hair across my forehead, which I thought made me look sooooo much younger.
Instead of the chick that was manning the camera the first time I tried this, I got the gay dude picture taker-er today.
He sounds EXACTLY like Rip Torn. Rip Torn, the gay dude who used to appear on Hollywood Squares all the time, not Rip Torn the good looking actor. Noooot that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I told Copluvr that in order to get a great smile, I was going to mentally superimpose a hott cop's face riiiight over Rip's face. I would think of him, instead of Rip's really bad grey toupee.
And then when Rip said, "Smile!" I was going to picture that cop stroking himself, an image that was SURE to bring a genuinely happy smile to my face. So Rip called me in and I assured him that I wanted to be an organ donor, but ONLY after three MEDICALLY CERTIFIED people legally declared me dead, which eliminates overeager volunteer firemen.
I looked at Copluvr and pointed to my forehead and she gave me the "thumbs up," confirming I still had the wisps going on.
Eggecellent.
Rip Torn looks at me and says, "How about getting that hair out of your face?"
EXCUSE ME?! Who are you? My grandpa?!
That isn't HAIR in my face, damn it, it's WISPS!! Youth inducing WISPS. Sigh.
After I brushed the WISPS out of my face, Rip Torn started fiddling with the computer. He told me to look at the orange button on the camera thingy, when I heard Copluvr say, "Oh. My. GAWD!"
Now any woman worth her salt knows that "Oh. My. GAWD!" is the universal "hott cop alert!" signal. After all, we're at a DMV. What else could it mean?
So I turned to the left where she was sitting, only to discover she was anxiously rooting through her purse like a hungry rat frantically moves through a steaming pile of garbage. Later I found out that she thought "Oh. My. GAWD" was the universal "I think I lost my checkbook!" signal, when clearly that's an "OH. SHIT!!!! " moment.
Rip Torn starts bellyaching about me staring straight ahead and he finally takes my picture, but not before he says, "SAAA-MILE-LLL!" in what can best be described as a gay man's imitation of JoAnn Worley.
Noooot that there's anything wrong with JoAnn Worley. Unfortunately, it sounded so gay, all thoughts of a hott hetero cop went right out of my head, and he captured more of a grimace than a smile.
Rip Torn points to the screen and says, "This is what your license is going to look like." Now let me think....what was that exact thought that went through my head again when I saw myself? Oh, yeah...."ewwwwww...uuuuughhhh....ooooooh.....my gawd that's awful".
It's funny how you go through life convincing yourself you're fairly attractive, then you see a huge computer screen containing a close up of your mug
and you wonder how you deluded yourself so badly and for so long. I'm like, "Oy. Whatever. Print it." I can't fight fate.
Long story short, Copulvr nearly pissed her pants laughing at my picture and I fully intend to keep using my old license picture "by accident." Not that it was much better, but I've gotten used to it.
For some reason I can't fathom, white people look even whiter on these damn license photos. It's like a second before Rip Torn snapped the pic someone flashed a bright light in my face. I've seen white typing paper with more color than my face in this stupid license pic.
Worse yet, the white highlights the bags behind your eyes, the bags under your eyes and the bags that are your eyes. And I won't even discuss how it made the bridge of my nose look about five inches wide.
There was a lady sitting next to me in her 60's and she had the whole orange foundation/bright red blush thing going on. It occured to me later that she probably looked half decent in her picture because it would take that much make-up to show on camera.

now with "new car smell"!

Today's going to be one of those fun days of running around. I'm going to nail down that license picture today before my hair gets too unruly.
Then the pooch needs some new bones and chew sticks, and I need to pick up some stamps and Mr. G's whole grain bread.
Only thing is each trip takes me in another direction. The bread place doesn't open until 10, which I think is too late. I wanted to be back home by 10.
DMV opens 8:30, WalMart is 24/7, so I basically have to get a later start because of the bread store.

Poor Hol. After I put that flea stuff on her, she laid around all day yesterday.
She's groggy and miserable. (Hence the guilt trip to WalMart for her favorite sticks.) I have to find something healthier for her because I'm not happy using that garbage.

I was reading an article about JLo and MarcA apparently being on the road to Splitsville. Friends are alleging he is too controlling.
It's funny how that works. When you're dating, it's like, "Oh, he loves me so much. He wants to be with me all the time. How romantic."
Fast forward three years into the marriage: "He's SUFFOCATING me with his jealous possessiveness!!"
They better not be breaking up because I just read some article in which she claimed that he "completed" her. Gawd, I hate when
couples say that. It's almost as trite as "we're two hearts that beat as one"......with usually one mind between 'em.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

fleas help!!



Does anyone know of a GOOD, NATURAL flea remedy for dogs? With summer coming, I'd like to get a jump on the problem now. I tried using those SUPPOSEDLY SAFE flea drops, but I think they must burn my dog's skin. About a minute after I put them on, she'll run and hide. When I find her, the pupils of her eyes are dilated and I can tell she's afraid. I don't believe that they're safe, because they're a form of pesticide. The package instructions warn you not to get it on your skin, but I know when I put it on her skin it's going to get into her bloodstream, even though the vet insists otherwise.

Last year we tried a spray of essential oils, such as eucalyptus, penny royal, cedar, and citronella. While it smells good, it doesn't seem to do anything. It worked better on the cats than the dog.
Then we tried the Diatomaceous Earth. What a mess that was. It seemed to work....for about a day, and then she was scratching again.

Suggestions, anyone?

i can your face still shining through the window on the other side

Maybe it's just me, but a "wrap around snow" looks exactly the same as any other snow I've ever seen. It's just more offensive when it shows up in mid-April. We got about two-three inches last night, but thankfully, it warmed up during the night and it's melting. Driving was really harrowing around suppertime yesterday, though, especially
with *most* law abiding citizens *cough* *cough* having their studded tires off.
Hopefully this will be the end of this winter stupidity.

I'm bummed that COPS isn't on this weekend, but next weekend...TWO BRAND NEW SHOWS!!! Whooo hoooo!!

Went to the chiropractor today and my lower back was out of place. OY the pain when he worked on that! It feels soooo much better now.

While I was at the chiropractor's office, I was watching some coverage of the shootings that took place in Virginia yesterday. One of the college officials outlined what would be taking place in their news conference and he said that he was going to set forth ways for them to "move forward." That just struck me the wrong way. Some of these parents haven't even been notified yet, and he's talking about "moving forward" as if it's all behind them now. I think he should have been discussing ways to help the students deal with their feelings of helplessness and anger and sorrow. IMHO, it's way too soon to talk about "moving forward." The sad thing is people immediately start looking for someone to blame: the police, the school officials, campus police, etc. The only one to blame is the asshole murderer. It's a sad situation all around and I pray God gives these families and students the strength to deal with what has happened. I hope that schools learn from this tragedy and begin to put as much money into campus warning systems and student safety as they put into their sports programs.

Monday, April 16, 2007

don't fence me in

This will be me about five minutes after Bruno lends me his riding lawn mower.......

a look from you and i would fall from grace

After we finished walking Holly last night around 5ish, I sat down with my laptop to enjoy a cup of hot herbal tea before I took my shower.
When she saw me coming out of the shower later, Holly sat up on the couch and looked at me as if to say, "Oh, gawd, you're not going OUT tonight, are you?"
I said, "Don't worry, Holly. You've managed to attach yourself to the one person on the planet with no life. I'll be in my pajamas by 5:30 p.m.."
She sighed in relief and flopped back onto the couch. Oh to be so damn predictable...

For some weird reason--NO LASSIE JOKES!!--I have been craving bacon something awful lately. I know when I craved hamburger, I was lacking Vitamin B12, but I have no idea what I'm lacking with this craving. I don't like salty stuff, so I'm thinking it must have something to do with the fat. I've never really eaten a diet high in fat anyway--sugar, yes--so I don't know why I'm lusting after every porker I see suddenly. Maybe that's why I kept drooling everytime they showed the smokehouse in Charlotte's Web.

I'm kinda disappointed in my Billy Blanks Power Rounds DVD. On the front of the DVD it says, "30 one minute tae bo power workouts," and I thought that meant we'd be doing 30 different exercises @ 1 minute each. That's not the case.
By the time we finish warming up, we're on Round Six. And it basically ends on Round 28. The first exercise, which is "in and out," is done about three minutes. And there's a LOT of down time in between rounds, which I don't like. Of course, Billy stresses that we keep moving, but just moving in circles is not exercising. Because there's so much down time, I'm using this DVD as an extra, after I've done a good full one hour work out. The DVD is ok because he's chosen a lot of the moves that I like, but I'm disappointed that it wasn't 30 different moves. I think that would be really challenging. I could have thrown the "Upper Body Workout" DVD against the wall when I realized it's done with those stupid resistance bands. I've avoided buying any of the Boot Camp series *because* it relies on the resistance bands, and I don't care for them, and I end up buying one accidentally. I wish he'd get away from the resistance bands and sculpting tool and back to his good, basic workouts.
Again, it didn't say that I needed the bands in the description,
but I should have known as soon as I saw the words "Boot Camp."

Sunday, April 15, 2007

amster-amster-dam-dam-dam


Did you notice that I did NOT mention Lassie once during the Charlotte's Web review? That is because due to a LOT of crying (and several doses of Metamucil), I have gotten that pig out of my system...in more ways than one.

Great. Just checked the weather channel and now they're calling for "wrap around snow" through THURSDAY. What the HELL is "wrap around snow"?! And why do I just know I don't want any?

Ahhh the joys of youth. One person posted on my Hott Cops blog that we were "gross" for looking at the cops because "some of them are almost 40 years old." GASP!!!! I guess she didn't get the manual explaining that people in their 40's (and god forbid--BEYOND)can be sexy and attractive.

No wonder I didn't get "Night in the Museum" as my NetFlix pick. Bugs informed me it isn't being released until the 24th of this month. LOL! In that case, I guess I'm getting "Cars" next. I'm really enjoying all of these animated flicks.

We haven't gotten any of the Noreaster as of 5 p.m. Sunday. They keep calling for snow and sleet and rain and everything else in between, but we've just gotten light rains. It's 45 degrees, so I don't think any snow is going to stick at this point anyway. We'll see what tomorrow brings. We were supposed to get socked on Saturday. Then they changed it to Sunday, now Monday. With NY and NJ already getting zapped, I'm hoping it's going to pass us by all together. I wouldn't feel slighted either.

While biking this afternoon, I decided that I like the Allstate commercials with Dennis Haysbert because they're intelligent commercials aimed at intelligent adults. Allstate doesn't use cutesy talking animals or dreadful prehistoric cavemen to get their message across. They use a hott, sexy MAN. Allstate's best commercial? The Thanksgiving ad where Haysbert tells us how many people have burned down their houses frying their turkey. Makes me feel damn good about my (lack of) cooking skills. And yes, we use Allstate insurance;)

hee haw! it's sunday!

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his firstwitness, a grandmother, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

Saturday, April 14, 2007

oh what a wicked web we weave

While I thought my next NetFlix movie was "Night in a Museum," it was actually "Charlotte's Web." Charlotte is one of my all time favorite books from childhood. So while I was gnoshing on my lunch--a bacon, lettuce and pink, rubbery tomato sandwich--I watched the movie. And no, the irony of my choice of sandwich was not lost on me. I loved the movie and I give it a big ole 5 out of 5. Thomas Haden Church again delivered a great vocal performance. He was one of the crows in the movie and he has a voice that is perfect for animation. As does Wanda Sykes. It took me a few minutes to recognize Oprah as one of the geese. Kathy Bates and Reba McEntire as Holstein cows were hilarious. As was John Cleese as the leader of the sheep, who was forever telling them to think for themselves. Great flick for the adults as well as the kids.

i see, said the blind man. i saw, said the carpenter

I was working on my laptop at the living room table last night and I sorta lost track of Holly. I knew she was in the room,
but if I don't hear crashing or tearing (violent screaming is also a bad sign), I don't worry too much about what she's doing.
Suddenly, I noticed the palm and pussy willow branches Mr. G brought home on Palm Sunday, which were laying behind my laptop, were slowing
moving across the table. Then I heard a quiet, but distinct crunching sound....sigh.
I'm fairly certain a dog is doubly holy if it eats something that's been blessed. And I'm praying it will drive the evil spirits out of her.

Pancho--who has sent me several interesting news story links--
sends this one, which points out the differences between what men and women look at first when viewing nude pictures of the opposite sex. I checked myself and I'm not using any hormonal contraceptive. Puhleeze. If you've learned nothing from me, I HOPE you've learned that a woman with 16 offspring is NOT using any birth control. Besides, I wouldn't put that garbage in my body, she said, as she took another bite of her Little Debbie snack cake.
If I'm viewing a nude picture of a man, OBVIOUSLY my eyes go immediately to his cock. I mean, how could they not? It's POINTING at me!! Practically SCREAMING, "Look at me! You know you want to!" And indeed, I do. From there, I look at build--hell, he's naked. Again it's hard to miss. Then I look at face.
If the guy is fully clothed, I look at his face first, badge, gun and handcuffs second, build third, crotch last.
Ok, 'fess up. What do *YOU* look at first?

Friday, April 13, 2007

hmm, what is she trying to tell me?


<--Stacey sent me this pic and said the saying reminded her of me. Hey, if she was having sex with me she wouldn't be saying that! LOL!

are you smarter than a 5th grader? if you are, don't read this post

Answers to the q's:
1. Monday
2. Whale (Blue to be exact)
3. Executive Branch
4. 140
5. 4/3
6. 3
7. PA
8. Summer
9. 20
10. 1000

little pink houses for you and me

Wow. The FDA is really doing it. I've been reading about this for a few years now, how they were trying to reclassify all herbs, VITAMINS, and supplements to eventually eliminate them from the market, so big pharma could be in control. Looks like it's happening.
They're even going to try and regulate massage oils, for Pete's sake. Welcome to America, land of the FREE.

there's a warm wind blowing the stars around and i'd really love to see you tonight

Ok, people, what have we learned from the firing of Don Imus? Jack shit apparently. People are sending hate mail to Imus and to the women of the basketball team. The idea was to STOP the spread of hateful comments, and yet the ignorant people out there continue to do just that.

Changing gears. Mr. G just called me from work. He was supposed to get the studded tires taken off of my car by the 15th, but they're calling for a HUGE snowstorm on Saturday and Sunday. He said, "I'll get them off on Monday. Surely the cops would understand if...." Ok, right there I started to get nervous...LOL.

Here are your "Are You Smarter Than" questions for the day:
1. 1st grade social studies: "5 of the U.S. Federal holidays always fall on what day of the week?"
2. 1st grade animal science: "What is the largest animal in the world?"
3. 2nd grade social studies: "According to the US Constitution, the President is part of which of the three branches of government?"
4. 4th grade math: "The supplementary angle of a 40 degree angle has how many degrees?"
5. 4th grade math: "What is the reciprocal of 3/4?"
6. 1st grade spelling: "How many of the words for the numbers 1-10 have five letters?"
7. 3rd grade U.S. history: "In what U.S. State was the Civil War battle of Gettysburg fought?"
8. 1st grade earth science: "The period of Daylight Savings Time includes which one of the four seasons in it's entirety?"
9. 2nd grade health: "Typical people have how many baby teeth as kids?"
10. "How many meters are in a kilometer?"
I must be getting smarter (or the questions must be getting dumber-er) because I knew most of these. It's funny how you talk yourself out of answers, too.
When Jeff read question #5 about the reciprocal of 3/4, I immediately said, "4/3's, it's the opposite." Then I thought, "Gurl, are you nuts?! Do you ever remember sitting in 4th grade math flipping fractions? Get real. And get more of those peanut butter cups at the candy store. They were fabulous. Now back to your regularly scheduled stupidity."

We are now the proud owners of a new couch and chair. Well, we will be when it arrives in two months. Maybe it's just me, but it kinda rubs me the wrong way when I'm spending a couple thousand dollars at a store and they charge me $80 to deliver their crap. (As IF that isn't bad enough, if they deliver on a weekend, it's $95!) I said, "You have a delivery fee?" because I know the last time we bought from them, they didn't charge us. He said, "We either tell people right up front it's $80 or we'd have to add it to the price of the furniture." Ya know what? I'd *rather* they add it to the cost cuz it pissed me off when he told me that. If one more f'ing business person tells me they're passing on the cost of high gas to the consumers, I'm going to FREAK. Who do WE get to pass OUR COSTS ONTO?!
We bought the furniture on a two year no payment deal and the lady says, "Even though you won't get your couch for two months, your two years starts today." I said, "So essentially, I'm losing two months of payment time." She said, "Oh you're not losing it because you don't need to make a payment at all." Um, hello? If my time starts today and I don't have my furniture for two months, I'm losing two months, I don't care how you try to explain it away.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

your ass is grass....and i'm the lawn mower



We're going to pick out a new living room suit tonight. Our current one is ONLY 27 years old. I think we might have gotten our money's worth out of it.
<--But with summer coming, this is what I really want to buy.






It would be so much nicer than having to use
<--our current riding lawnmower.

it's a turn down day and i dig it


<--What Goddess Got Last Night...

Ooooo, I didn't realize tomorrow is Friday the 13th.
Yay! I always have pretty good luck on Friday the 13th.

Whoa. I see Nordstroms is selling a pair of jeans that promises to lift your butt and flatten your stomach, resulting in a look that is one size smaller than your current one. Ladies, if we combine those jeans with a bra that makes our boobs look bigger and higher, WE WILL RULE THE WORLD!!
Unfortunately, we'd also have to begin undressing in the dark.


I watched Barnyard yesterday and I have to say, I love these animated flicks. It's pathetic that I find them more enjoyable than "mainstream" movies. Again, though, the thing that confused me about Barnyard is the "male cows". Didn't know they existed. To hear Sam Elliot's
voice coming out of an animal with udders is just wrong, people. But who knew he had such a great singing voice?! He sang a fantastic version of Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down." Sam Elliot is one of my all time favorite actors and it's comical because he seems to be turning up in a lot of movies lately. He was in "Thank You For Smoking," and then I discovered him in "Barnyard" yesterday. I didn't recognize Courtney Cox lending her voice to "Daisy" at all. One of my favorite scenes was the cow tipping scene. The "male" cows are near a fence and they see some snotty kids tip over a cow. The boy yells, "That's called cow tipping!" They decide to get even, so they steal a neighbor's car and sneak into the boys room. They push him out of his bed and yell, "That's called boy tipping!" Then they speed off in the car, drinking milk and celebrating when a police car comes up behind them. The officer is on a COPS like show so he's got a camera crew with him and he's talking about the speeders just like they do on the show. It was hilarious.
I also liked the scene where the horses are doing the River Dance in the barn and they go by the stage name of "Lord of the Hoof." The bonus footage of Kevin James talking to cows as he prepares to play a cow is hilarious, too, especially when he starts eating a hamburger in front of them. If I love it, the kids are sure to love it. I give it five out of five. Next up: "Night In A Museum."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

how to solve your husband's mid life crisis



I was watching the news this morning and I heard that one of the Ruetger's basketball
team members said that Imus' comment "scarred her for life."
It was a blanket comment, he didn't refer to anyone by name, so while I agree it was
rude and totally uncalled for, I hardly think his words scarred anyone for life.
If it did, that's some incredibly fragile self-esteem she has going on there. Learn from the incident, ladies, and MOVE ON. Let Imus deal with his own stupidities.

My gf sent me this and I thought it was hilarious:

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reason able woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great!! They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis....

all I want for christmas is my two front teeth...intact

And I thought Daddy yanking my loose teeth out with pliers was bad.....brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

i'm picking up good vibrations

I remember when Female Offspring #1 was little, around bedtime, Mr. G always used to say, "You're one tired bird."
And she'd say, "I'm a tired bird."
I can totally relate because I am one tired bird this week, and it's only Wednesday. I've been doing an hour of Taebo and a half hour
of recumbent bike five days a week. Because my ass is dragging by the time I get home from work, I had been getting up an hour and a half early before work and exercising. Well, I did this Sunday and I really wanted to sleep in.
So Sunday afternoon I came up with this brilliant idea of doing an hour of Monday's exercise Sunday night,and then I'd only have to do a half hour in the morning. I've been doing that each day. So I did two and a half hours of exercise on Sunday, then one and a half hours Monday and Tuesday. You know, it's kind of like going
to Mass a during the week and counting it as attendance on Sunday.
At this point in time, however, my ass is FARKING DRAGGING.
I was ok with it, though, because we agreed to take off walking the dog Wednesday and
Thursday. NOW Mr. G says he wants to walk tonight and take off Thursday and Friday. UGH.
The upside is that after just one month of upping my Taebo time, my bp has gone from 146/97 to 117/82.
This is due entirely to the fact that I'm now too exhausted to get stressed.

So Larry Birkhead is the father of ANS's baby. Nailed it! Me and everybody else on the planet.
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is probably crying right about now.
No, not because he's stuck with Zsa Zsa instead of a baby that might inherit millions...oh, wait, that *is* why he's probably crying.

Here's a search string I noticed on my stats the other day, "which hole in a girl's vagina do I put my cock in?"
If you have to axe yourself this question, you are NOT ready to have sex. REPEAT: YOU ARE NOT READY TO HAVE SEX.
Now if you'll excuse me, just to be sure I haven't been missing something all these years, I need to look for the other holes in my vagina....

gracias!

Just a reminder for all you dog lovers now that a lot of fruits are in season. Grapes and raisins can be deadly to some dogs.

A BIG THANKS to Ron for helping me permanently change the font size on the Blog. I wanted to see if I could get rid of the lines running down the length of the page cuz I know some of you have bitched about having a hard time reading the posts. Ron checked everything over for me--and I'm positive that he loved every minute of it!!--but he couldn't find the code for me to eliminate. I'm fairly certain it can be done because the picture at the top loads last, and separately from the rest of the page. I just had no idea what to remove. I couldn't find the blasted code anywhere either. The larger, bold print will just have to suffice until I'm off and can look at it some more. OR you people could STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T NEED BIFOCALS!!!

Wow. I thought my in-laws were P.I.T.A.'s when I first got married. Imagine Liz Hurley's joy at finding out her new F-I-L, who she's supposedly never even met, was trying to have her sent to jail for breaching Hindu custom during her wedding ceremony. Apparently she drank alcohol and she refused to take her shoes off when they arrived at the place where the ceremony was going to be.
If found guilty, Hurley could face up to three years in jail. Welcome to the family, Liz!

well i'm on my way to the city lights

I don't watch American Idol, but I've read about this Sanjaya dude and his ever changing hair. To me, he looks like a cast member of "That 70's Show."

No way in HELL is the black community going to be satisfied with Imus' two week suspension, and I agree with them. I think he should be fired, too.
"Nappy haired" is one thing, and he might have gotten away with an apology there, but he added "hos" and I think that's disgusting to publicly call
women whores because you don't think they're attractive. And it wasn't an accidental "slip," quickly followed by an "oh my gawd, I'm so sorry."
He knew what he said and he continued on with the conversation as if he had every right to say it on the air. The real irony is that Imus is THE LAST PERSON who should be ridiculing ANYONE'S looks. Then he says, "I'm not a racist." And he's right. He's not a racist. He's a bigot. I do NOT, however, agree that he "stole a golden moment" from the ladies. The fact that he is an ass takes NOTHING away from their accomplishments, unless they allow it to.

Monday, April 09, 2007

how does it feel to know i love you

Guess what Overtime Hawg bought our boss, the diabetic, for Easter?
A *huge* solid chocolate Easter basket filled with candy. Every diabetic's dream gift.

I was disappointed that I missed our annual Easter egg hunt yesterday afternoon, but I had to work. From what I hear it wasn't too much of a success. I wonder why?
Green eggs on green grass. Hmmmmm, what could have been the problem?

Yesterday a racoon was on the edge of a highway overpass in California.
People at a nearby flea market called animal control and when they didn't show immediately, they called 911. While an officer approached the animal, rescue workers held a tarp below but the coon jumped without warning and fell within a few feet of the tarp. It was immediately rushed to a nearby vet's office. The coon was treated and later released into the woods,
where it will no doubt be shot while rooting through someone's garbage.

Wow. You really have to wonder about people's though processes. Or lack thereof, maybe. I was watching CNN this morning and I saw the story of a Texas nurse who thought she was going to be fired because she hadn't completed a project, so she started a fire in the office to divert attention. THREE PEOPLE DIED, and all because she *thought* she *might be* fired. Damn.

Bugs sent me this story about a school that changed the name of the Easter Bunny to Peter Rabbit because they felt "Easter Bunny" was "too Christian."
What does the Easter Bunny have to do with religion and Christianity? Zip, zilch, nada.
Although if we follow their line of thinking, Easter bonnets and Easter candy are also Christian symbols. And while I found solid chocolate bunny to be sinfully delicious, I don't think he's Christian.
(Psssst, I think my bunny was a Jew because he was half-price. Ok, ok, he was half-price
cuz I bought him this morning. My apologies to Jewish rabbits everywhere...)

Just when I think the dairy industry has tried every angle to get people to drink milk, they find a new way to pimp their product. First they said it helps you lose weight, despite the fact that it's full of fat and sugar. Then they said it helped prevent diabetes, which was pretty funny because again some milk, yogurt and even cottage cheese products are full of sugar. They said it did a body (and your bones) good, but that doesn't explain why we have such a high number of people with osteoporosis in this country if milk is so doggone good for you. NOW they're saying it helps you stop smoking when compared to sodas. What next? "Cure that crack habit with three servings of dairy a day!" They do these half-assed studies to promote their product. Like the weight loss one, for instance. Milk was also found to help you lose weight when compared to soda. Unhealthy sodas that have more sugar than milk does do not help you lose weight. Wow. That's really groundbreaking, isn't it?

I've been loving the song "Lost Without You". I didn't know who sang it until today.
It's sung by Robin Thicke, son of Gloria Loring (Days of Our Lives) and Alan Thicke (Growing Pains). I love this song, it's romantic with a sexy beat.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

knee deep in the hoopla

Easter, Pt. 1

I have to break this into two parts because Blogger won't allow me to upload any more pics on this post.

Today's Easter eggs were all green, courtesy of the Offspring. "Green represents the money the greedy corporate bastards are sucking from consumer's wallets since they've taken Jesus and His Resurrection out of Easter and made it about worthless sugary, unhealthy candy, trite greeting cards, fluffy bunnies and yellow chicks." At least that's what I think they were saying. It's hard to understand kids when they're trying to gnaw
their way through the cellophane on their solid chocolate Easter bunnies.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

in my easter bonnet with all the frills upon it



Easter, Pt. 2


Speaking of the chocolate bunnies, the offspring are pissed at me because they think my bunny is bigger than theirs. What a bunch of shit. Mine might be a teeny bit larger. Now I axe you people,
<---aren't these bunnies almost exactly the same size? Mine is on the left, one of theirs is on the right.





I received a phone call from the pastor of the local Methodist Church yesterday afternoon. Seems Male Offspring #'s 4 and 5 are banned from next year's Good Friday service. A few of the local churches allow members to "carry" a wooden cross through the streets so others can get a small taste of what Jesus experienced on Good Friday. I hardly think it's anything like what Jesus went through, considering the doggone cross is ON WHEELS and they go out to eat afterwards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember Jesus gnoshing on pancakes on Golgotha. Anywho, the offspring tried to make it even easier for themselves by loading the cross into Male Offspring #7's John Deere Stake Wagon and pull it. Sigh. They said, "Mom, you always tell us to 'work smarter, not harder'." Oh sure *that* they remember. "Stay out of my booze and cigarette money!!" goes in one ear and out the other, but *that* they remember. Unfortunately, it doesn't change the fact that they're banned from attending a church service held by a church we don't even belong to. See why it's a bad thing for moms to work outside the trailer?!

I seriously need younger, hipper siblings. My sister called me all excited about winning tickets to see Sonny Geraci in concert. She asked me if I wanted to go. I'm like, "Go to his concert? I don't even know who that is." She yelled, "Sonny Geraci!!" as if that would magically jog my memory. I was still drawing a TOTAL blank. "Sonny Geraci from The Outsiders!!" "The Outsiders?" I considered that for a minute. "Wasn't that some sort of cop show from the 50's or 60's?" "That's The Fugitives! Sonny was the lead singer of The Outsiders and they sang "Time Won't Let Me." "Oooh, ok. I liked that song. I'll think about going."
(That usually means there's no way in hell I'm going but I need time to think up a reasonably tactful excuse.)
"Then he became the leader singer of Climaxx and they sang "Precious and Few"."
Bingo! She should have quit while she was ahead.
"OMG! That stupid song. I'm going to do a really nice thing and pass so one of my other
siblings can experience the joy that is Sonny. But if you get tickets to see David Cassidy, call me first. He's still do-able."

this is the last of 'em ...I SWEAR!!

WHOA! Who knew the Easter Bunny had such a BIG EGG?!



have you called jenny yet?


<--hippity hoppity



Tonight we will partake in the Annual Dying of The Easter Eggs aka Our Eggggggstravaganza!! Last year the offspring begged me to let them handle this duty on their own, and like an ASS, I trusted them. Ok, truth be told, I wanted to watch COPS, so it wasn't a hard sell.
Easter Morning we had all BLACK eggs in our baskets. Seems Male Offspring #6 was "in a funk" and he persuaded all his siblings to dye the eggs black in "retaliation against the System."
Mom="the System."
I'm sure that wasn't a hard sell either.
May I just say the baskets looked particularly festive with all those black eggs.
It's how I've always pictured Dracula's Easter display.

Male Offspring #5--my Jebus freak--is flying high today. Last night he played Peter in a play
about the Crucifixion. For weeks I've been listening to him practice denying Jesus three times.
I never realized how many different ways there were to say, "I am not" in response to "Art thou also of His disciples?"
Sadly, the third time he was supposed to deny Jesus, he saw some good looking chick in the front row and forgot his line. I'm pretty sure a hott chick would have tripped Peter up, too.
When MO#5 looked to Male Offspring #7 for some off stage help, the little brat whispered loudly, "I'm part of His posse!" I managed to assure Male Offspring #5 that no one noticed his little 'slip-up". Things also got a little tense when the rooster refused to crow on cue. Who knew yanking a tail feather could be so effective? If Mr. G ever has any trouble in the--you know "crowing" department--I'm going to pinch his ass really hard and see if that gets a "response".

While I'm on a religion related roll, Mr. G and I were talking about how my mother wanted me to become a nun when I was younger. Yeah, I said "NUN". I think she thought giving birth to a future priest or nun would be her ticket to heaven.
Curses! Foiled again, Mom.
I jokingly said to Mr G, "I hate to tell ya this, honey, but she's still holding out hope I'll leave you behind and enter the convent. On the bright side, after all these years of being married, the vow of poverty won't be a hardship."
He said, "Oh, yeah, smart ass? Well the first thing to go would be your laptop."
"NO WAY! I need that to annoy people with Jesus forwards!"
"Then they'll take away your Court TV *annnnnnnnd* finally your COPS. I'm fairly certain drooling over men is forbidden in the nunnery."
Sigh. I'm not big into the lesbian thing, so I guess I'll have to give the religious life a pass.

Have you ever had anyone on your friend's list/blogger list that you've followed
for quite awhile, suddenly disappear?
That happened to me a couple months ago, and naturally the first thought that ran
through my mind was, "ooh, I'll bet her husband finally killed her."
Hey, I didn't say it was a NORMAL thought to have, just my first one.

If you're a hottie bald guy, SEND ME YOUR PICTURE!! Sigh. Would that it were that easy. Check out the new site by Bald Guyz.
If you know you're hott, register and you could be one of the Bald Guyz O'The Week.
They sent me an email notifying me of the site. Screw that.
I want to be one of the chicks who decides on the Hottie of the Week, damn it!

When I got home from work last night Mr. G informed me there was "fish" in the oven.
Truthfully, I can't see how Gortons and Mrs. Paul's and Van de Kamps get away with calling this stuff "fish". I think it should be called "Fish Flavored Breading Filets." One fish is probably enough for fifty boxes of this crap.

I've been using AOL AIM more lately because Trillian seems to be messing with my system for some reason. It slows things down, and if I'm watching a video when someone sends me a message, it temporarily freezes until the screen comes up. It's weird because I never had problems with it before. But one feature of AIM that I do like is this: if someone were to say "ACCIDENTALLY" X out a chat screen, when it re-opens all of the earlier conversation magically reappears. Sweet!

Friday, April 06, 2007

easter humor

Suldog had this joke as part of his Easter post--I snuck over there from Mushy's site--and it struck me as absolutely hilarious. I'm still laughing about it.

After you finish laughing, go check out his entire post, because it's extremely funny.

Jesus is hanging on the cross. He looks down and sees Mary Magdelene crying.

Jesus says, “Mary...”

Mary looks up, still crying, and says, “What is it, Lord?”

Jesus says, “Mary...”

Mary again says, “What is it, Lord?”

Jesus says, “Mary, it’s... amazing.”

Mary says, “What, Lord? What is it? What’s amazing?”

“I can see your house from up here!”

My Favorite Love Song of All Time!!!!!