Saturday, March 31, 2007

color my world

FHB posted "Smoke on the Water" the other day. That song, along with this one, were the most often played songs at every high school dance I attended way back when Jesus was still in Pampers.

what have i done to deserve this

Mr. G called from work this morning, and woke us up at the UNGODLY hour of ten a.m. to ask me if--HELLO?!--I was up yet. Sigh.
Poor Holly. It was all she could do to keep snoring her head off during the entire time the dude next door was using his big diggy thing.
Before my sleep was so rudely interrupted, I was dreaming about being in a car accident.
I was coming out of a turn and another car was going into it, and their car sideswiped mine.
We called the police and for some reason, I had to leave the scene for a few minutes. When I came back, the other driver said, "The
cops were here and they took all our information." I said, "Ooooh, I missed them." And then I asked a total stranger the all important question, "Were they hott?"
Funny thing was the guy stopped to consider it, as do most guys when I ask that question. Makes me laugh every damn time. But now I'm doing it in my dreams.

I*HATE* the fact that the neighbor's new garage is going to face our living room.
He's one of those guys who use their workbench as an excuse to get out of the house and away from the kids. You know the kind. But I especially hate that it's across from the window
which is directly across from my TV, because that's where I stand to exercise. I put some of that smoke colored plastic on the glass, but I'm still not sure how much you can and can't see. I thought it made everything invisible--hence my sitting in the nude in the mornings to review my email, thinking "Haha! I can see you but you can't see me! Eat it!" to every car that passes--but NOW Mr. G said he can see me sitting at the table when the sunlight hits at different angles. Couldn't have told me that before I decided to go nude, could he? One more thing for me to worry about. So while I'm exercising, flipping, flopping and sweating like a nervous whore,
all the while I'm wondering how much they can see, which adds to the sweating and will probably help me lose another pound or two this year.

I glanced out the window yesterday and there were two young boys, approximately
6 and 9 years old, staring into the big hole the neighbor created for his garage. And thus, it begins....

two oldies but goodies

The Pet Shop Boys with Dusty Springfield. I LOVED this song....



I have NO IDEA what this song was about--and I seriously don't think KLF knew either--but I LOVED it like the one with Dusty cuz it was weird and funky. The fact that they talked Tammy Wynette into joining this goofiness made it even wilder.

a rush of blood to the head










<---Ok, I admit. I kinda expected The Lord to be bigger than that. My bad.







Dear Blogger, if I can't get your friggidy word verification right THE FIRST TIME, don't make the second one even HARDER and MORE JUMBLED!! I feel like I'm flunking the eye chart.
Signed,
A Goddess Who Refuses to Buy Bifocals
P.S. YOU SUCK!!

Your "Are You Smarter Than" answers for yesterday:
1. Troposphere (puhleeze, like I even guessed)
2. Hawaii (missed that, I said Florida)
3. Nile (missed that, I said the Amazon)
4. 5280 feet (guessed 'who the hell gives a shit?!')
5. 2 moons (guessed 'planets don't have friggin' moons! what's wrong with these idiots?!')
6. True (didn't guess anything. I was too busy concentrating on my evening snack)
7. 3 (ditto the snack)
8. Zero (ditto the snack)
9. James (missed that, I guessed John)


Some junk food companies, along with soda companies are forming a task force to fight childhood obesity. If that's not the funniest damn thing I've heard in a long time, I don't know what is. Ooo! I know. Let's bring the cigarette companies in on this, too. Make it a real side-splitter.

Did you hear about the Labrador Retriver that jumped on his owner's chest when she was choking on an apple, thus performing the Doggie Heimlich manuever? I hate to break it to this woman, but I don't think that dog was trying to help her. Case in point, the minute the piece of apple came flying out, the dog ate it.

Damn. I'm really missing that notepad function of the Google Desktop now that I uninstalled it. Course I'm not missing the slow ass computer it caused. I'll be honest, though, and admit that the only reason I got Desktop was so I could use the gmail offline alerts. Sigh. Yet another feature I miss. One thing that I dl'ed yesterday that I really like is called Cool Timer. It allows you to set a timer onscreen and it plays any mp3 or wav file when your time has expired. I like it because there are times I'm on the computer in the living room and Mr. G will say, "tape boxing for me in an hour." Because my Direct TV box won't pick up my VCR signal, I have to use an egg timer to remind me, but this way I can just use the timer right on my computer. The only thing is that I'm notorious for keeping my sound turned OFF, so I have to remember to keep it on. (Although it does flash in the system tray.)
I just wish it had more sound options other than a dumbass horn. You know, something like, oooooh I don't know ....AN ALARM CLOCK SOUND?!

Friday, March 30, 2007

yummy yummy yummy i've got the Lord in my tummy....

No wonder men are so confused.
I heard a chick at the store telling another chick about how "mad" she was at her bf for being so "clueless" and not realizing she's angry with him.
Chick #1 said, "So you've broken up with him?"
Chick #2: "No, we're still dating."
Chick #1: "So you're not talking to him?"
Chick #2: "No, we're still talking."
Let's talk about being "clueless." If they're still dating and still talking, no damn wonder the guy hasn't figured out she's angry.

Ok, I confess!! I can't help but wonder how "big" Jesus is....
Sweet Jebus! Literally....
The Catholic League is outraged--which pretty much seems to be the only emotional state they're capable of---over a life sized, anatomically correct, naked chocolate Jesus. His arms are outstretched as if he's on the cross, but there's no loin cloth to cover Him as in most pics. I'm sorry but the fact that the creator called it "My Sweet Lord" makes the whole thing rather funny to me.

Ya know it's bad enough when I have idiot kids trying to post comments about cops being gay as a way of insulting them on my Hott Cops site, but when FELLOW cops do it, it's ridiculous. I guess they don't realize I can see their ISP *is* the PD's ISP and I can see which cop they're trying to comment on. Oy. What a waste of energy. Like I would ok something derogatory.

Bugs sends this link and adds that her favorite line in the piece is "...having the longest marriage among living people."
Wonder who's in the Guiness World Book of Records for having the longest marriage among dead people? My guess? Adam and Eve...if they haven't divorced by now over that hard to manage son Cain.

color my world

Here are you "Are You Smarter Than" questions for the week....
1. 3rd grade science: What's the lowest layer of the earth's atomosphere? Mesosphere, Thermosphere, or Troposphere
Last night's guy lost on the first question...
2. 4th grade U.S. geography: What is the Southern most U.S. state?
3. 3rd grade world geography: what is the world's longest river?
4. 2nd grade measurements: how many feet are in a mile?
5. 5th grade astronomy: The planet Mars has how many moons?
6. 1st grade animal science: true or false? the koala is a marsupial.
7. 1st grade grammar: How many proper nouns are in the following sentence: "In Oaklahoma, Oprah met our ostrich Ozzy."
8. 3rd grade math: How many of the interior angles of a scalene triangle have the same number of degrees?
9. 4th grade U.S. history: What is the most common first name among U.S. Presidents?
Jeff Foxworthy SERIOUSLY needs to STOP faking up the drama. He sucks at it.

I totally switched gears with the vids and watched "Over The Hedge" today. I loved it. Thomas Hayden Church was great as the zealous exterminator. And William Shatner as the overly dramatic possum was hilarious, especially when he poked fun at his own bad acting. Now I'm switching gears again--no pun intended--with my next choice, Brokeback Mountain.

My desktop computer, which is about 7 years old, has a 6.7 gig hard drive. My laptop has 80 gigs. The only problem with having a bigger hard drive is that you dl everything under the sun. Consequently, virus scans take FOREVER.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

thoughts?

I was reading a news story about a 20 year old woman who charged a 56 y.o. guy with sexually abusing her when she was 11ish. He found out about the investigation and wrote her a letter telling her that he would give her one of six things, including: any amount of $ she wanted, a new car or a reasonably new car, and an apology. She told police she wanted to drop the charges because she was going to take the new car.

I think this sends a REALLY BAD message to other child sexual abusers who will now think they, too, can buy their way out of sexual assault, and I think the young woman will later regret the fact that she sold herself out like this. I also think it was really clever of the perverted creep to come up with something like this.

Part of me sits here thinking that IF she was going to accept any of his offers, why in the WORLD wouldn't she pick "any amount of money" and make the asshole pay through the nose...for her car and the therapy she's probably going to need later when she emotionally comes to terms with this? I wish her well with her decision.

Thankfully the police ARE going to press charges for intimidating a witness.

Thoughts, anyone?

take the long way home

I'm trying to decide which one of the Blogger group will be the first
lucky (re: nutjob!) guy to walk out onto the glass bottom sky walk over the Grand Canyon. I have it narrowed down to Mushy or FHB. Bruno can't take his mind out of the gutter long enough to make the journey and Ron can't abandon the Blogger Help Group. I can't do it because I'd be hysterical at being that high over anything that could cause me to suddenly plummet to my death. Besides, the only time I enjoy being high is when an illegal substance is involved. Plus I still haven't replaced my digital camera....hey! it's a legitimate excuse!

Once again a South Park that starts out hella funny quickly takes a nose dive.
Last night's ep about a Muslim kid that came to town was funny, but when
they said the "terrorists" had hidden an explosive device in Hilary Clinton's cooch, I turned off the tv. Oh, how I long for the old "Ben Affleck splooge!" days of South Park, when it was actually funny.

So I see David "the fans get on my nerves" Duchovney is back on tv with a sitcom.
One can only hope the fans keep their distance so as not annoy Mr. Duchovney.

so relax, max, i hate to stop you in your tracks, max

I've been having a heck of a lot of problems with FireFox freezing on me since I dl'ed their latest version last week.
I've done a couple virus scans and adware scans and I'm still having the problem. Anybody else having trouble?

Ok, between the disgusting ads for "Vacancy" and "Touristas," I don't even want to turn on the tv, let alone travel.
It would be nice if these writers focused on writing a good, interesting plot, instead of just attemping to gross us out.

I officially hate the Amp Mobile "Where you at?" commercial. And have you noticed the people in the commercial are all black? Are they trying to imply black people don't speak proper English? Hmmm, maybe we can get the cavemen and the black folk all riled up, and they'll boot the two commercials I hate the most: Amp Mobile and the dumbass GEICO caveman ads. Remember when I posted my daily prayer the other day? I forgot the line, "Lord, whatever you do, PUHLEEZE don't let that GEICO Caveman tv pilot take off. I don't think I could stand it."

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

nu shuze

I did it, people! I got up at 4:45 a.m. and did my Taebo. I knew I could do it!

Ok, after seeing the commercials for "Vacancy," I am NEVER staying at a cheap motel again. Next time I have to drive to Georgia, you better be prepared to pony up for a GOOD hotel, South. OR MY DEATH WILL BE ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!!
Why, oh why do I get the feeling he'd be willing to take that chance...

I stopped in to see my gf on Tuesday. Her brother and her brother-in-law got into a HUGE screaming match while I was there. B-I-L said B borrowed his truck and brought it back filthy. B-I-L said it was filthy when he borrowed it. The argument escalated into a shoving match because well, they're only in their 30's and shouldn't be expected to deal with their problems in a mature fashion. In the midst of all this, my gf, bless her heart, says, "Both of you calm down and have a beer."
The minute she said that the "Bad Boy's" theme from COPS began running through my head. It's always smart to introduce alcohol into a volatile situation. Hell, I'm surprised she didn't suggest they take their frustration (and beer) to the shooting range because once you have a gun in your hand and beer in your gut, cooler heads are sure to prevail.

just when you think kids can't get any stupider....

Along comes "fence plowing"....

question for you country music fans...

D.R. Roach, former husband of Wynonna Judd, is he the one that was her long time manager that she married?

Wikipedia says she was married twice, but I can't find the name of the first husband and I'm wondering if this is the husband that was on Oprah with her when she was on to discuss her weight problems?

Anybody know?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette

Jerry Falwell said the debate over global warming is a tool of Satan being used to
distract churches from their primary focus of preaching the gospel. Hmm, I thought
their "primary focus" was scamming people out of as much $ as possible all in the name of the Lord...

LOL! Somebody actually wrote an article on the PROS and cons of smoking. I had no
idea there WERE pros. This is what they listed, along with my thoughts:
1) Most of the smokers believe that they feel a very strong bonding with other smokers.
Sure you have a bond. You're all ruining your health together.
Get a damn dog. You'll soon discover a strong bond with other pet owners.
2) Smokers enjoy a sense of gratification by smoking.
If you want gratification, jack off. It's great for your blood pressure, and it won't even harm your lungs.
3) Smoking cigarettes give smokers the feeling of creating a ritual.
Ritual? Walk your new dog every day.
4) Nicotine gives a feeling of pleasure to the smokers.
Buy a vibrator.
5) Watching the smoke swirl and the cigarette burn is a fun for most of the smokers.
Watching the smoke swirl and the cigarette burn is FUN? Geez, I thought my life was boring.
I think the reality is that most people start because it makes them look cool, then it becomes a stress relieving habit they can't break and they do it to stay thin.

even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through

Tomorrow will be a test of my mettle to see how dedicated I really am. Because I start an hour early, I'll have to get up at 4:45 a.m. to do my exercise before work. UGH. We're taking off walking the dog Thursday and Friday, so if I want two days off completely,
I gotta do my Taebo tomorrow. If I wait till after work, it's harder for me to get through all that AND then a walk.
BUT I CAN DO THIS, PEOPLE!!

Bugs writes: "We've been having trouble getting Da Buglet to stay sitting still while riding the bus. So, I told him to pretend that he's wearing a seatbelt like the one he wears in our car. Thebus driver reported vast improvement, so it worked. But tonight, Buglet just couldn't get to sleep, so finally he said, "Mommy, should I pretend I have seatbelts on my eyes?"
LOL! I love the way kids think.

Ok, question for you: if you were pregnant and wanted to have an abortion, would $500 stop you? Texas is considering offering women who want abortions $500 to carry their baby to term and give it up for adoption. Abortion is not a personal choice for me, but IF I were having a baby and didn't want it, and felt that abortion was the only way out, $500 would NOT be NEAR ENOUGH $ to make me change my mind. To me it sounds like they're trying to buy babies. Speaking of selling kids--smooth segue, huh?--I have a couple who are about to enter their terrific teens, and as we all know, other than their tremdendous two's the teens are the best period of their lives. So I'd be making a real sacrifice getting rid of--I mean, generously offering someone else the chance to experience the joy of the terrific teens. Email me, we'll talk turkey.

And another question for you this morning, what do you think about the Catholic School that is telling their students they may NOT have a MySpace account? St. Hugo of the Hills Catholic school recently banned MySpace accounts at school AND home. Excuse me? At home? I thought "home" was Mom and Dad's domain, not the Catholic Church's. I know they're trying to keep the kids safe, but the Church has a way of overstepping it's boundaries.

I'm so pissed at one of my imaginary friends. I modeled my new jeans for him,
and I said, "Damn. Do these make my ass look fat?"
And he said, "No, that fat on your ass makes your ass look fat." What a bitter, bitter prick.

This week is kicking my ass. Because my dad's in the hospital, I've been getting up
BEFORE work and doing my Taebo/recumbent bike. I've been getting up at 5:30 and
doing 50 minutes of TB and 30 of the bike. I feel GREAT in the morning, but by the time
I get to the hospital at 6, I'm ready to fall asleep in the chair. The shitty thing is that once
I leave the hospital--usually around 7 or a 7:15, we have to walk the dog for
45 minutes. Ugh. The last four days I've been in bed before 9:30, which means I have
about 2o minutes computer time in the evening.

tell me that you like it

I had to call the city to clean out the sewer at work today. The guy comes to the door and says, "It's definitely clogged."
Duh. The two inches of standing sewer water in the basement already confirmed that. As did the smell....

Now that they've been caught dead to rights, the military is admitting there
were "mistakes" made in the handling of Pat Tillman's death. Gee, ya think?
And maybe, just maybe covering up the truth was a big part of those "mistakes"?

I love this sort of stuff. On Oprah, this chick wrote in about her teacher and during the
class Oprah suddenly starts talking to her and she's all shocked. I could almost believe it
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FREAKING MICROPHONE ATTACHED TO HER JACKET.
I guess they'll have us believe that she always teaches class with a microphone and a camera trained on her.

This is every phone conversation I've had with Mr. G since my dad's been in the hospital.
Me: "hello?"
Mr. G: "Where are you?" after telling him about four times I would be visiting my dad
Me: "The hospital, remember?"
Mr. G: "STILL?! Why so late?"
This is usually followed by the sort of groan a man in prison gives when he thinks about all the pussy he's missing.
Me: "Honey, it's only TEN AFTER SEVEN." Oy.
When you go to bed at eight every night, seven is like midnight.

Hey, Dustin, I love your hair! I tried to leave a comment on your site about five times today but it wouldn't take for some reason...

Monday, March 26, 2007

so stupid it's funny

Frank has some...um...incredibly interesting police stories in his post for today, my favorite being the last one about the one concerning domestic abuse. Check it out.

Like I said in my comment, I've heard of people sneaking the vibrator when your S.O. is sleeping next to you in bed, but I've never heard of someone sneaking in and eating you out! Hmm, wonder where I can sign up for a service like that....

LOL!

As soon as I read this I thought about WW, whose parents are bugging her about getting a job....

well the music there well it was hauntingly familiar

I watched "The 40 Year Old Virgin" Sunday afternoon. It was about what I expected--high schoolish. I give it two stars.
If you're trying to decide whether or not to see it, if you're not a fan of the f word or
swearing in general, you'll wanna give this a pass. Wish I had a quarter for everytime
I heard the word "fuck" during those 133 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.
Eh, it did have a few funny moments, like when the one guy dropped off his box of porn, including his "mix tape" called "Boner Jams 3."
And when Steve Carrel's character was coming home with a drunk chick and
she threw up on him, then said, "I'll still have sex with you...if you want." LOL...very attractive.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

where the eagles soar on a mountain high

Check out Josh Lewis' Pic of the Day blog. He posted a pic of Bald Eagles. What majestic birds!

part of me used to love you, part of me still does

South switched my site mail to my Gmail account, and I like it so much better than Yahoo.
Gmail gives you the first line of the email without having to open it, so I don't have
to sit there and try to figure out from the subject title whether or not it's spam. Sweet.

I was reading the Sunday paper this morning and I came across an ad for Nutrisystem in
the Parade section of the paper. This is an acutal quote from a Nutrisystem user, John Kruk, zee
baseball player: "My wife told me I'm not as disgusting to her as I used to be."
What a thing to say to your spouse. What made me laugh the most though was the phrasing "...not AS disgusting...".
"Why honey, if you keep losing weight at this rate, I'll soon be able to keep my eyes open during sex!"

I was reading a story online this morning about two eighth grade students who posted threatening comments on their MySpace and were arrested in Prairieville, Lousiana. What had me rolling was this line, "Both of the eighth grade boys, ages 13 and 16, were booked..."
SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and he's in freaking 8th grade?!!
Well, that explains the stupidity in posting threats on the internet.

I was thinking about buying the new Stevie Nicks' CD, Crystal Visions, which features her greatest hits. I LOVE Stevie. Can't understand half of what she says, but I love her. The more I think about it, though, I think I'm going to buy used CD's of some of her albums that I have on vinyl and cassette. I want to pick up "Rock a Little," "The Wild Heart" and "Bella Donna," my three favorite SN's releases. I don't really know why Crystal Visions is being touted as the only CD that has Stevie's greatest hits, when Timespace: The Best of Stevie Nicks has her greatest hits. I think I have that cassette somewhere, too.
One of my favorite SN songs is Stand Back. I heart the guitar solo and the music is just great. I Can't Wait has great music, too.
Stop Dragging My Heart Around is a favorite song lyrically, and The Edge of Seventeen is good lyrically, but the music gets a tad monotonous.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

blogging under the influence

Today was not my best day. Last night before bedtime, I stuffed about five handfuls of cheese into my mouth. Granted, not my finest moment. Anywho, I can't HACK dairy products. I love them, but my body hates them. I immediately get cold like symptoms from dairy: sore throat, coughing, stuffy head feeling, earaches, and with earaches come the damn dizziness. I woke up about 5 a.m. dizzy as all hell. I immediately put Vicks VapoRub on cotton balls and stuffed them in my ears. Laugh if you will, but my parents NEVER took us to the doctors for an earache. This was their mighty cure. This, or daddy blowing cigar smoke into our ears, but once he stopped smoking, the Vicks did the trick. When I woke up I was still slightly dizzy, but I went to work anyway. I hate that feeling.

Why oh why do I do this to myself? I watched several episodes of "Til Death Do Us Part" and scared the crap out of myself. Ugh.
If I so much as THINK Mr. G is looking at me weird, I'm OUTTA HERE. It's pretty damn sad when you can make an entire series out of stories of husbands and wives killing each other.

I got a kick out of an old episode of "Yes, Dear" in which Christine was angry with Jimmy because he wrote less and less in each one of his Valentine's Day cards. He found all of her old ones and realized she had been writing the same thing over and over every year. The hilarious thing was that she found a way of turning it around and blaming him. "All these years and you're just now noticing? Did you even read these things?!" LOL. I loved it. Typical female maneuver.

I love the way the doctors tell you to eat right and then I visited my dad and what
are they giving him to drink with his meal? Crappy old diet soda. They shouldn't even have that on menu.

Apparently there's going to be a rise in the price of chocolate. On the news, the reporter said that since most candy stores have a supply of chocolate on hand, it might be 6 months before the cost increase is felt here. Yeah, right. Prices will probably go up by Monday.

Friday I was perusing the cookie aisle in search of healthy food--so I *lie* to myself! it's permissible!!--and I found these delicious looking chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies made by Kaschi, the "healthy" cereal company. I had three cookies after lunch and thought, 'damn these things are good. I wonder how many calories are in them?" One HUNDRED freaking THIRTY calories in EACH cookie! Heck I ate a MEALS worth of calories in three lousy cookies. Damn.

Three DVD's into it, and I am totally disappointed in the "speed" of NetFlix.
I can mail Female Offspring #1 a letter in the morning from the post office and she will have it in Pittsburgh the next day.
Yet I returned a DVD Thursday morning and they didn't notify me that it had been received in Pittsburgh until Monday morning. That's ridiculous.
Movie for the weekend? The 40 Year Old Virgin.

are you smarter than a 5th grader? then don't bother to read these answers

1. Jupiter
2. Jefferson
3. two inches
4. False
5. the object's volume
6. loudly
7. 3 yak
8. Asia
9. 7 months
10. Australia

Friday, March 23, 2007

who let them cows out??

Just a little something to make ya smile....


good morning USA i got a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day

Chris Rock, "For those people who keep saying 'is America ready for a black President?'
I say, 'why not? we just had a retarded one'."

I forgot all about the "Law of Made in China Underwear Averages" when I said I now owned 15 pair of underwear. The Law states that when you buy a pack of underwear made in China there is a greater than 50% chance that only half of them will fit. This is because the Chinese are simply GUESSING at what a size 10, 12, 14, 16 (take your pick) sized ass looks like. They need to get some American models for Pete freaking sake. We don't all eat brown rice and we're not all size 2, damn it! In my four pack of undies, one MAYBE two fit....which would explain the pile of eight perfectly good, never been worn underwear in the back of my drawer that's been there for about two years. So now I own about 10 pair. Woooo hooooo!

Here are the "Are You Smarter Than" questions:
1. 3rd grade astronomy: On which planet would a person weigh the most? Mercury, Saturn or Jupiter
2. 2nd Social studies: Which US President is featured on the face of the nickel?
3. 4th grade math: If the diameter of a circle is four inches what is the radius
4. 5th grade US geography: true or false? ohio shares a border with illnois
5. 5th grade physical sciences: Density describes the mass of an object divided by what?
6. 4th grade grammar: What is the adverb in the following sentence "my father snored loudly and it kept my mom awake."
7. 1st grade spelling: there is an animal called a yacckk (deliberately misspelled), how many letters in the word yacckk?
8. 3rd grade animal science: a giant panda's natural habitat is on what continent?
9. 2nd grade measurements: how many months of the year have 31 days?
10. 1st grade world geography: what is the only continent that is also a country?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

fill my holes

Mr. G and I like to watch King of Queens around suppertime each night. We like the older ones, before Carrie became the hormonal bitch from Hell, calling Doug a "moron" and a "freaking idiot" every five minutes. In my opinion, Jerry Stiller is what makes the show so funny. We were watching an episode yesterday in which Jerry's character, Arthur, was working at a pretzel shop. The young kids would come in, buy a pretzel and he'd check their cards. After so many checks, they'd get a free pretzel. The snots would go out of the store and come back a few minutes later, having checked their own cards. Arthur bawled them out, telling them he knew exactly what they were up to. He said, "I may not be young and hip like you guys. I may not listen to your Dave Clark Five..." LOL! I thought that was hilarious considering the Dave Clark Five was popular in the Sixties.

Mr. G and I were talking the other night about how people in the Bible lived to be over 900 years old. I said, "900 years old? Good grief, how many years of those years would a chick have her period? If I have to suffer through 700 years of menstrual cramps and leaky maxi pads, forget it."

Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head when he talked about how when one guy is working
on something, you'll see several others standing around watching.
The neighbor is digging a new garage and I was sitting near the window working on my laptop.
Ten minutes into it, there were four guys standing around staring down into the big hole as if it held all the secrets of life.

You will *never* see this with women.

Say woman #1 is dusting, and along comes woman #2 to "watch." Woman #1 would put up with that for about five seconds before saying, "Don't just sit there. Grab a rag and help." LOL! We're not stupid.

new words for 2007

Thanks, Jeff! I love "blamestorming" and "salmon day".

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1 . 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

2 . WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

3. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOM's: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.


13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

16. SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

gotta have some hott stuff baby this evening


He's not a cop, so I can't put him
on my Hott Cops blog, but

I THINK RANDY COUTURE IS
HOOOOOOOOOOTTT STUFF!!

its a small world after all

I stopped at my niece's house yesterday and her 9 year old son was sitting on the couch watching tv. I think he acknowledged me, I'm not sure.
I don't mean for this to turn into one of those "when I was your age" bullshit posts, but it was a fairly nice day here on Wednesday and this kid was holed up in the house. I can remember when I was younger, the minute our chores were finished we were out the door until my dad whistled for us to come for supper. Like so many hungry puppies, we'd all come running. OR ELSE. My dad would whistle twice, but if you missed it the second time, be prepared for an ass whoopin'. The funny thing is I could hear that whistle even INdoors playing in my gf's basement.
But we were always smart enough to get outside as soon as we could when we were off of school or in the summer, because if we didn't, my mother would find something--aka work--for us to do.
And the thing is we never ran out of things to do outside. I don't remember ever sitting in the house watching tv all afternoon, unless it was a snowy Sunday. We would sled ride on Sundays, then come inside and watch the Sunday afternoon Million Dollar Movie. Yeah, I know I'm dating myself with that reference. The movie was usually a comedy or a romance, so I loved to watch. I still remember watching (and loving)
"The World of Henry Orient" on a snowy Sunday afternoon. That movie jump started my stalking career.
But during the week, we we always outside doing something: hopscotch, playing with our dolls, juming rope, riding bikes, laying under the trees reading Tiger Beat Magazine. Hell, *anything* to stay OUT of the house and below Mom's "chore radar".

Yesterday after coloring my hair, I conditioned it for two minutes and while I was waiting for the timer to go off, I perused the directions.
Always pays to read the directions *after* you use the product.
They must write these things for IDIOTS. It said, "Pierce the colorant tube using the pointed tip of it's cap. Squeeze the tube's entire contents into Applicator bottle. Do not point either end of tube towards face while opening."
That reminded me of every cartoon I've ever seen where the guy points a hose in his face to see why it's not working.
Another favorite line of directions was this one: "Do not inhale or ingest."
Hmm, I'm really hungry, think I'll have a peanut butter and an extra light ash blonde sandwich.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

hair today, brain cancer tomorrow

Is anybody else freaked out by the fact that the directions on hair color tell you to use gloves so you don't get any of the solution on your skin and hands, and then you put that solution on the skin that covers your BRAIN for 45 minutes?! The thing that really makes me laugh is I've been using Garnier's Nutrisse. It contains a teeny tiny plastic vial of "nourishing avacado oil." So basically my brain is basted in poison for 25 minutes, but I have a wee amount of healthy avacado oil to make it alllllllllllllllllllll right.

floating away

Yesterday I did something that I haven't done in AGES--I went shopping. I haven't been
to the mall since August. Have I mentioned I *hate* to shop for clothes? I do.
More importantly, I hate to take my time when I shop, but today I relaxed and spent money till my wallet started to bleed tears.
Which didn't take long, believe me.
I also got my hair chopped. Finally. I've been in pony tail mode for about two and a half months.
You know how weird things carry over from childhood, and you do them over and over without even thinking about it?
Well, we were never allowed to get our hair cut "professionally" when I was growing up. My mother always did it and in order to not have to do it as often, she'd cut it mega short. TO THIS DAY, when I'm going to get my hair cut, she'll say, "Get it cut short. It'll last longer." No, it won't. I'll just look like a doofus longer. But anyway, I put off getting my hair cut "professionally" because I feel guilty spending money on something like that. Just like the whole underwear situation. I bought TWO--count 'em ---TWO packs of underwear today, marking the first time in MY ENTIRE LIFE, I've owned more than eight pair of underwear. I now own FIFTEEN pair!!!!!
No more calling Mr. G on Saturday and begging him to do laundry cuz I'm down to my last pair of gutchies. I'm living LARGE, baby. I *even* bought myself two lacy pair of those boyshorts underwear. I love those things. But I felt incredibly guilty paying more than $5 for one pair of underwear.

While I was shopping, I wandered into the B.Dalton bookstore. I'm wondering how that place even stays open. I was the only person in there besides the two employees, and I can't even remember the last time I bought a book there. I usually opt for used books/vids on Amazon any more.
I was going to treat myself to a brand spanking new book, but there were none with lawmen on the front. Yes, that was my only requirement, and sadly, they couldn't meet it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

*insert title here*

In Sunday's Parade, Marilyn Vos SmartyPants says the following in response to a "do pets really know their names?" question: "No. The repetition of the pet's 'name' merely provokes a learned response, depending on how the owner vocalizes the name." She pretty much stated you could call them AnYTHiNG and they'd come to you. So I decided to test that theory out. I wanted to believe that MY animals knew their name. I saw Stupid Cat sitting in the hallway and I said, "Oh, peanut butter sannnndwich" in the same sing-song voice I call her, and son of a bitch if she didn't come running towards me purring loudly. I figured, "Well, consider the source. We all know poor Stupid Cat isn't the brightest Crayola in the box. Buddha's pretty smart, I'll try it with him."
So I sat near Buddha and said, "Oh, peanut butter sannnndwich." He ignored me, so again I said, "Oh, peanut butter sannnndwich." He opened one eye, looked at me and said, "Look, beotch. I'm trying to sleep here. Let me alone and freaking STOP calling me 'peanut butter sandwich'. Do I look like Stupid Cat?" Damn. Who knew he was such a prima donna?

I love the traffic stop I saw on TV that took place in Douglas County, Georgia. The chick blows through three stops signs on
Easter Sunday night. She refuses to sign the ticket and when the officer decides to arrest her, she
starts bitching about how it's Easter Sunday and she hasn't been to church yet. Now what would Jesus do, Officer? I love it.

One more use for a Hoveround!!

I tried watching Deal or No Deal last night to check out the firemen, but I don't see what all the excitement is about.
There doesn't seem to be any skill or knowledge involved whatsoever, just randomly choosing and opening cases.
I thought it was kinda boring.
My favorite fireman was the one in the first round who
fooled everyone with his grimace when he really had a case with $2 in it.

your daily hee haw....

Courtesy of Mushy....

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"Wow!! This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years. All my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence.

Monday, March 19, 2007

damn you just can't make this stupidity up....

False name is actual name of criminal...

A man gave police a false name, not realising that the name he provided belonged to a wanted criminal.

Vincent Lloyd Massey was in the passenger seat of a car that was pulled over by police in Annapolis, Maryland.

The officers discovered that the driver had a suspended licence. He was taken into custody by the police, which left Mr Massey, 48, to drive the car away.

However, when the officers asked to see his licence, Mr Massey said that he'd left his details at home, but offered his name, address and date of birth.

The police checked the details and moments later were told that they had a man with several criminal warrants, including some from the US Marshall's Service.

Realising that they had a wanted criminal on their hands, who had charges involving drugs and counterfeiting, the officers called for immediate back-up, obtained a warrant and arrested Mr Massey.

Once he was in custody, Mr Massey revealed that he'd lied about his identity and showed officers some identification. Police later confirmed that Mr Massey wasn't the wanted criminal.

However, he didn't get away with just a caution; he ended up being charged with giving a false statement to police.

calories in calories out

Mushy sent me this, but I don't see my favorite position "over the side of the couch while watching COPS...." LOL!
Thanks, Mushy. I love it!

Calories Burned During Sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection ...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow...............................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier......................... .2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.......................................112 Calories
Fake.........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging... ............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly.........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...... . ...5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

oooooo cana DAAAAAAA

Are you planning to get a new URL, Stacey?

I certainly hope so. How am I supposed to know what's going on with you and Joe?? Where else am I going to see pictures of delicious looking desserts I can ONLY drool over??!!

i can't help myself, i've got to see you again

Every night before I go to bed, I say this little prayer, "Dear Lord, please bless my
husband, my offspring and all my family--You know who they are, I don't need to name them. Besides, we'd both be here all night if I did. Take care of Holly and the ragamuffin cats. As for the cats, it wouldn't hurt if You increased their hunting skills.
The rat that ran over my foot in the living room yesterday makes me think they've become soft and lazy. I also wouldn't be the least bit upset if You refreshed their little pea brains as to how to cover up their stinky poo in the litter box!!!
Please bless all my friends, including my online and imaginary friends, except for Tito Klungfunker. His neediness pisses me off. I can't be his personal Jesus!! No offense to Your Son, who IS his personal Jesus.
Please protect my home and my neighbor's homes.
And now for my special intentions: Take care of Dad and light a fire under his ass so he
gets out of bed more without me having to nag him about it for the 7ooth time.
Also, please put the idea into his head that wearing underwear is a GOOD thing.
Lord, please let Mike South's back get better in time for fishing season.
And Lord, I would really appreciate if You could speed things up there because if
South picks out one more spelling error on my site, I'm gonna have to kill him, which would violate the Sixth Commandment.
Sure I pretty much break all the others, but have a heart, that's the one I *haven't* broken!
Last but not least, a new TV, Lord. I don't need to tell You why.
Oh, and if I must be stopped by a cop today, please let him be HOTT and NICE and most importantly, IN A GOOD MOOD. Amen."

My sister remarked that her son was losing weight and I said, "What's he doing? Maybe I can try it." She laughed and said, "He's got a new girlfriend."
Cool. Now all I have to do is find myself a boyfriend, and I'm well on the road to Skinnyville...

Josh Lewis--Jay's brother, not the oil magnate on Guiding Light--has a Pic-A-Day blog
with some great snapshots. Check it out. His dog is absolutely adorable.
I don't know the breed but the kids on The Ghost and Mrs. Muir had one like it.

I don't know the name of the product, but currently there's a hearing aid type device being advertised on tv that lets you hear many times clearer than you can hear now. At one point in the commercial it says, "Ever wonder what people across the room are saying? Now you can listen in discreetly." Oh, yes, because we all know eavesdroppers hear good of themselves. Then it shows some chick at her mailbox listening in on a conversation across the street. That is ridiculous, using this product to encourage people to shamelessly eavesdrop on someone's conversation. Have the decency to struggle with lip reading like the rest of us...

So I was reading an article in the paper about getting more out of your day, and it said to
write down what you're doing every half hour. Then you look for "time devouring sink holes."
Wow. That sounds fairly nasty, doesn't it?
Let's check out my schedule for Sunday:
3:00--watched COPS
3:30--watched COPS
4:00--watched COPS
4:30--watched COPS
5:00--made and ate supper while watching COPS
5:30-6:30--walked Holly
7:00--watched COPS
7:30--watched COPS
8:00--watched COPS
8:30--watched COPS
9:00--watched COPS
Wow. When you see it all written out like that, it's mind boggling. It's pretty hard
NOT to see what my "time devouring sink hole" is: Holly.
Obviously I need to stop walking that dog. She's cutting in to my valuable COPS time.
Thank God that eye opening article came along when it did!

Anybody else out there do Taebo? I'm looking for a few song titles. There's one song that plays in the background of one of Billy's advanced tapes and I'm wondering if anyone knows the song. Obviously it's been mega-mixed into a dance song, but the lyrics I can figure out are, "That's the beat of a disco, come on and dance." It's either that or "That's the thing with a disco, come on and dance." I can't quite make that third word out. I thought it was "beat," but Billy seems to be singing "thing." They had a great speeded up version of Oye Como Va and I dl'ed one from "Kinky," which sounds a lot like it, but the one on the Taebo tape was even faster than Kinky's version. Anybody know the name of a band that does a fast dance version of Oye Como Va?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

thats the beat of a disco

The people who put together our local newspaper are dipshits. Remember I told you about the comic section shakedown? And how they *better not* get rid of my favorite, Get Fuzzy? They ran a poll for a month asking people which comics they read daily. Get Fuzzy WON CONSISTENTLY. So what do they do? They got rid of Get Fuzzy. And yet we STILL have that freaking Rex Morgan, M.D. B. S.
TOTAL DIPSHITS.

I received a $1 bill with the wheresgeorge.com addy written on the top, so I went to the website and entered the serial number. It started out in Lewisburg Tennessee on July 8, 2005 and landed in PA, traveling some 548 miles in that time. Mine was the only other entry. Mr. G said, "People can make monkey business out of anything!" I said, "Yeah, well, that's why a NEW TV is so vital. To get me off of the internet so much." He said, "You'll just spend all your time taping cop shows." Sigh. Got me there.

Ok, I need to know if I have any skimmers in the following states: Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina,
West Virginia and in case I really get lost, Kentucky and Tennessee? If you live in one of the aforementioned states and you skim my site on a daily basis, lemme know, will ya?
(Extra points if you're a cop...)
If I can find a skimmer in every state between here and Georgia, I won't ever have to stay
at a crappy hotel again when I update for South.
Why oh why didn't I think of this clever scheme before?
I already have Bug's address with me in case I get lost on the way to Pittsburgh....and she's in Ohio...planning to move, but don't worry I have the new address, too.

Speaking of Bugs moving, she writes: "So, you never realize how much shit you have until you move, right? So I go to clean out Buglet's closet and I find his old bedrail, you know the kind that you put on the side of the bed in case one of the kids falls out and conks themselves in the head? Anyway, Buglet is now 6, and he hasn't used this thing in FOREVER, so I decide to get rid of it. It's broken, so out to the ever growing trash pile it goes. (Can you see where this is going?)
Tonight is trash night. I set out the trash: two cans, a bag of lawn shit, some old boards, the recycling bin, and this fucking bedrail. I did this at 6pm. By 6:30, I see a van drive down the street (still light outside) and I thought, no fucking way. They aren't going to stop.
I was fucking wrong. Two women got out and mosy-ed up to the trash pile. The bedrail is right on top and one woman picks up one piece, and the other woman picks up the other, and they look at it like it's a freaking science experiment. Neither one of them looks like they know what they want to do with it. At this point, I just can't help myself. I open the door and say, "Oh guys that things broken." Them: "Oh yeah? Huh." Me:"Yup, that's why it's IN THE TRASH."
Hell-LO?!? Everyone knows the rules of garbage picking. For those that don't, allow me to soapbox for a moment: 1. Don't pick in your own neighborhood. It's kinda tacky. 2. Don't pick while it's still light outside. Duh! Someone might see you. 3. Never ever mosey. Spot something, scope out the possible dog-walkers or other witnesses, put the car in park (never turn the engine off!), and get out, get the treasure, and get the fuck out of there!!!"
I'm going to have to invite you to my area to enjoy the spectacle that is called "Clean Up Days." Every township and borough has them around May. People will put their stuff out two or three days ahead of pick up JUST SO people can rummage through it. Trash pickers have a field day. Not only do they come in broad daylight, but--depending on how "good" your crap is--the cars will be lined four and five DEEP behind them. You'd think it was a freaking garage sale. People aren't the least bit embarrassed about looking in daylight. The only shame comes in IF your stuff ISN'T picked over.
Then the neighbors look at you with pity, as if to say, "wow, your garbage isn't even good enough for people who take any old crap."
Some people even go so far as to SELL the decent stuff.

don't let your grandma grow up to be a biker

Jay sends this joke...and all I can say is OUCH!!

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day
she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.

The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and
points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least
four
packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while
I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been
picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've
been swung around by the nipples a few times.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

wearin' o'the green

Sure and begorah we got a good eight inches of snow yesterday.

I'm seriously thinking about trading Holly in for about six or eight of those small Yorkie dogs. Then I could line them up at the end of the hallway and play "Bowling for Dogs" for hours on end....

OMG!! I was SO PSYCHED when I opened my email this morning. First, I received that
email from Arthur the other day telling me he reads my site, and that was thrilling! A new skimmer!
BUT TODAY I RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM JESUS!! That's right, all you jealous people, JESUS. The One and Only.
I mean, I knew God was reading me--hey, He sees EVERYTHING, ok? But Jesus? No way!!
I was so excited. I mean what was Jesus going to say? "Hey, Goddess, love your stuff!" or
"I can't start off my day without reading your site!" or even
"Pops sure did give you a good sense of humor. Glad to see your using Popsgiven talents."
What about "Great stuff, but less talking about South and more talking about hott cops!"
Because Jesus supports the police!!!
But it turns out that Jesus was just trying to sell me some cheap Viagra.
Shame on Him. He should know I don't have a penis.
Granted, others weren't sure, but Jesus knows I don't have one. Jesus also knows I don't get one very often, but that's another bitch for another post...
It makes me sad to think that Jesus has been reduced to sitting around Heaven
sending out spam. With that whole "rising from the dead" thing, He showed such promise.
If they ever have a "Religious Figures Reality Show" Jesus should consider signing up.
It could be Him, Buddha, Muhammed, Zoroaster, Calvin, Lao Tzu, Martin Luther and Gary "What Chew Talkin' Bout, Willis?" Coleman.
Psssst, guess who will be eliminated in the "Perform a Miracle" competition? Thaaaat's right: Zoaoster. The slacker.

a bit of blarney



Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
*****************

I love this one....
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
**********

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

*************

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best piece of ass in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!"

Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"

Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

*********************

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

**************

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

Friday, March 16, 2007

never under estimate the value of a good education...

I love this clip...never fails to make me laugh. And Deputy Joe Turner is a HOTTIE!!

slippery when wet

UGH. We went from two days of 70 degree weather to back down to the 20's and 30's. Yuck.

I've noticed that good looking girls are more willing to date fat guys, than good looking guys are willing to date fat girls.
Mr. G's two nephews are REALLY overweight. I'm not talking 25 or 30 pounds. I'm talking maybe 100 pounds.
But neither one of them has problems getting GOOD LOOKING thin girls.
Now, and let me set the record straight, I know full well the girls are using them,
but it's interesting that a lot of chicks are willing to go this route, while most guys aren't.

I watched "Thank You For Smoking" yesterday and I loved it. I'm giving it a 5 out of 5.
It's interesting to see how business and the government use people (and each other) for their own ends.
Let me just say that Sam Elliot as the Marlboro Man was thee PERFECT CHOICE of actors for that role.
Some of my favorite lines were: "After seeing the Kent State shootings.
Bobby signed up for the National Guard so he, too, could shoot college students."
One grade school girl reading her essay on why the United States has the greatest government
in the world:"..freedom is really important because otherwise, we couldn't be free."
Ahh, I remember writing those sorts of essays.
Next up: Most Dangerous Car Chases......eh, bite me. You knew cops would come into play sooner or later.

Last night I stopped in at the hospital to see Dad, whose been holed up there for a week and a half now.
The nurse came in to do a skin check--to make sure he wouldn't later sue their asses for bed sores, I'm sure--and I
asked her if she wanted me to leave the room.
She said no she could manage with me being there and proceeded to whip the covers off of my dad.
Unfortunately when dad had gotten into the bed earlier his gown had ridden up around his waist. Oh, and did I mention Dad was GOING COMMANDO?!
"My eyes! My eyes!"

Yesterday I received a package of pork chops from South's neighbor, the one who took me
to the pig farm. I thought, "Wow, that was really sweet of him," UNTIL I read the attached note, "Lassie 2007-2007"
GASP!!! MY SWEET LASSIE WAS DEAD?!!
I started crying, remembering all the good times we had: dancing to "Boogie Hooves" while we
scuffed up South's hardwood floors, Male Offspring #8 and I laughing while Lassie tried to eat South's clothes, and
last but not least, watching Lassie eat slop off of South's good dishes.
(Ooops, I don't think I told him about that one. Oh well, if he hasn't commented by now, he didn't notice.)
I immediately called his neighbor. I said, "What happened to my sweet baby, Lassie?"
"Don't worry. He died of natural causes."
"He did? Let me guess? He had high cholesterol from being a walking slab of bacon?"
"Nope, slaughtered by the meat industry for profit. Don't git much more natural than that."
Sigh.
So last night I ate Lassie and some butter dipped broccoli and these fabulous little parslied red pataters.
BUT I DID NOT ENJOY HER!! (I did, however, enjoy the fabulous little parslied pataters.)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

pray the gay away

Arthur writes: Goddess, I love your material... Read it every day. U take care, u hear? Yep, I am southern....."
Thanks so much for taking the time to tell me that, Arthur. I'll have to get your
address in case I break down the next time I going to South's place, I can bunk with you...or if I
find I've *cough*accidentally *cough*spent all my motel money on scratch off lottery tickets...LOL!


Did you read about the Russian mother who was sick of sharing her apartment with her son so she hired someone to kill him?
I'm sorry, but sometimes it's just easier to kill someone than it is to serve them with an eviction notice. Your mom's Russia, Alex. If she starts acting weird, get the hell out!

I love the Bahamavention commercial with the guy who yells. They tell him why
he needs a vacation in the Bahamas and then the lady says, "And then there's the yelling."
He yells, "YELLING?! I DON'T YELL, DO I, BILLY?"

I stopped at Rite Aid last night after work and I got one of those chatty cashiers, who try too hard.
Instead of just making general conversation, they feel the need to comment on everything you purchase.
And that's fine, IF you purchase interesting things. By the time she got to the bottom of my basket I was sorry I didn't buy a gun and bullets so I could have put myself out of my misery. I bought large index cards, and she ACTUALLY said, "Oooh these are really nice index cards. I wish I had index cards like this." And I said, "Aisle 6. Knock yourself out." I mean, WTH? We're talking index cards, not a BMW.
At ninety eight cents, it's not like they're are out of her affordability range.

Just to show you how misleading magazine blurbs are, I bought the latest issue of Women's Weekly and on the cover it says, "Get a $21,000 tax refund!" Here's there FABULOUS strategy for doing so: Grow your tax refund by depositing it directly into a bank account or investment account. IF it earns 8%, it could turn into tens of thousands by the time you retire, says tax attorney Julian Block. In fact, a $2,000 refund would grow to more than $21, 000 in thirty years!" What a bunch of crap.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

it's all good

Lordy, lordy. 58% of high school students think Sodom and Gomorrah were MARRIED.
MARRIED? Clearly Sodom and Gomorrah were living in sin.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Stupid song that makes absolutely no sense but I love it anyway: Horse With No Name. Always have. Always will.

I love the little notebook feature of the Google desktop feature, too. You can add a sidebar to your desktop--that's where I have the pics of Hott Cops flashing every ten seconds--and there are several different widgets you can add to your toolbar. The notepad allows you to jot down notes and it remembers them each time you open your desktop. You can save them to a file if you want to, but you don't have to. Great idea.

Yesterday I heard on the news that all televisions must be HD ready by the year 2009 because that's when all stations will be broadcasting in high def. So I said to Mr. G, "When we get our new tv, we have to make sure it's high def," and then I explained why.Then he said those six words I used to HATE hearing my parents use, "We better just wait and see." I'm like, "What do we have to WAIT for?! I just told you what we need." Sigh.
I was thinking about buying myself one of the new "must have" celebrity accessories this season: a poor, foreign baby, but I really have my sights set on that new tv. Ya know, I think the nuns were ahead of their time when they were always trying to get us to donate enough change so that we could "adopt" a pagan babies.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

free to do what i want any old time

Life is GOOD!! I downloaded the Google Desktop feature and it is constantly flashing different pictures from my Hott Cops folder!!

So last night while Mr. G and I were walking I decided to go for broke.
I said, "I want to get a new tv."
And Mr. G said, "Mike South has poisoned your mind! There's nothing wrong with our tv."
I countered with, "But I can't record DVD's! And I can only watch DVD's if I unhook everything and rehook it to watch the VCR."
Then he gave me the line he ALWAYS gives me, "Well, if we win the lottery, you can buy a new one." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I was sorry to read about Richard Jeni's suicide. I thought he was very funny
and I always enjoyed watching his stand up routines.
I could relate to a lot of his stuff about growing up Catholic, and one of my favorite
bits was when he talked about Catholic schools having "cloak rooms," (they do call them that!) and he questioned who among us wore cloaks?
He also did a funny bit about the song, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, that I really liked.

Gas prices have been going up and are expected to keep going up into April.
While the time change is supposed to SAVE money, CNN is saying that it might cost us more in the way of gas because people might stay on the roads longer. Does this come as a surprise to anyone? That something Bush assured us would SAVE us money is going to COST us money?
I'd really like someone to explain to me how this time change saves the hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil Bush said it would. Most of us are still driving to work the same amount of hours, and we're still heating our homes the same amount of hours, so where does the big save come in?
It was also reported on the news that the gas prices are rising now BECAUSE the early time change has actually added more weeks to the "summer driving" time.
Why the fuck we have to pay for SUMMER driving in March is beyond me.

With all the talk of child safety and Britney getting blasted in the media for this very thing,
what gives with Madonna riding with her 17 month old child on her lap? She's been a mother long enough to know better.

Have you seen this story? I missed it when it ran last month.
The doctor might have a right to set the standards of his office, but didn't Jesus talk of healing the sick? I love the line in the story about the doctor not having to see anyone he "doesn't approve of." Again, is that Jesus like behavior?
What also doesn't make it right is the fact that some of the doctor's other patients DO have tattoos.

Well, well, well. Mizz Oprah implied that she built her school for African girls because American kids took things for granted and didn't APPRECIATE the value of an education. On CNN yesterday, they reported that some of the families whose children attend the school say it is too strict, makes it difficult to keep in touch with their kids, and they regret sending their daughters there. Why some even compared it to a prison. Ooooo, how's that for appreciation, Okra? Looks like they don't appreciate your 200 thread count sheets, fireplaces, private rooms and in school SPA after all. Parents say cell phone and email correspondence is forbidden during the school week. Sorry, Mizz Okra, but I can't help but think some of us Amerikan parents would be only too glad to limit contact with our kids. Parents say families can only visit once a month, girls can only have four visitors in a month, and all visits must be approved by the school two weeks ahead of time. The school said it is only looking out for the welfare of the gals.

Monday, March 12, 2007

lather, rinse, repeat

I bought one of those Vidalia Chop Wizard...ok, a rip off of the VCW, and I LOVE IT!!
It works best with things that don't have skins, like peeled cukes and apples, and there's no way on God's green earth that you can chop an ENTIRE onion in a second like it shows on the commercial. You have to cut things into pieces and onions are one of the things that gives me trouble. I like to make a salad for lunch every day and the onions and peppers are a tad hard to chop, but it can be done. This will be great for chopping zucchini and melons in the summertime.

I can't get over how BAD Rob Cordrry's new show is. There's nothing the least bit funny about it. I think a more appropriate name would be "The Loser" instead of "The Winner."

Note to self: do not use the words "whooper" or "whopper" in any more of your posts until South is on his feet and has a life again.

I see former Picksburgh Steeler quarterback Kordell Stewart is going to be on an
episode of Spike's Pro's vs. Joe's. At this point in time, I'm just not sure if he's the "pro" or the "joe".....

I watched "Farce of the Penguins" Saturday night. Very funny stuff. If you've seen March of the Penguins and you like raunchy humor, you'll like this. It was written by Bob Saget and features him, Lewis Black, Mo'nique and Christine Applegate as the main characters. Tracy Morgan's character is hilarious. My favorite penguin lines were "Nature really fucked us. We can't even jerk off." Christine's penguin character said, "I'm sick of the club scene," and Mo'nique replied, "So are the baby seals." Thanks, Dustin, good recommendation!
Next up, "Thank You For Smoking."

And the Peter Pan fiasco gets worse. Now the company is recalling jars of peanut butter
from as far back as 2004 because again, they all start with the 2111 number.
Ok, if you're hanging on to a jar of peanut butter from 2004, salmonella might not be your biggest problem.

I must now muster all my deviously clever Goddessy skills and try to convince Mr. G to buy a new tv, even though our current one is working. Why? Because I cannot tape on my new DVD player NO HOW. Not even with that freaking rf modulator. I can WATCH
dvd's but even then I have to change all the connections, and change them all back when I want to watch a video. I want to be able to record DVD's though. So now I have to use all my feminine wiles and then when that fails, WHINE LIKE HELL. This is yet another one of those times I wish Mr. G was a techie geek, who insists on the latest technology, but alas he still doesn't even know how to set the clock on the VCR....

Sunday, March 11, 2007

walk right in, sit right down, baby let your mind roll on

After spending a good bit of yesterday cleaning honey in the shape of kitty kat paws out of the carpet, I decided to sit back and enjoy some episodes of my newly purchased, Hot(t) Pursuit, The First Season. What a rip off. I've never seen such poorly manufactured DVD's in my life. My DVD wouldn't even recognize two of the three discs and the one disc that would play was freezing every few seconds. I paid a whooping TEN BUCKS for it. Do you know how long I have to work at the rendering plant to earn that kind of money? There's five hours of my life I'll never get back. AND YES, I BITCHED!!So help me, if I find out they're pirated.............................

I'm thinking the Weed Claw had to be "designed" by a redneck. It's a long metal post that you attach to your power drill and you use it to rip weeds out of your yard or to dig holes for planting flowers, seeds. It's got "redneck" written all over it. And Mr. G bitches when I use his screwdrivers to dig holes. I could have been filthy rich after I invented the "Screwdigger," damn it! I could have been on Okra talking about how I became fabulously wealthy. Sigh. Coulda, woulda, ok, going to get a snack.

You know how I said Mr. G refuses to let me put up anything that has the word "WELCOME" on it? Well, last night he gave me this door mat that says, "everyone brings joy to this house...some when they enter, others when they leave." He said, "Try and find a way to change that to "Everyone brings joy to this house....immediate family when they enter, all others when they leave." Sigh.

My aunt called me last week and said she had something she wanted to give me. She's moving to Idaho to live with her daughters and so she's getting rid of all of her stuff here and selling her house.
Female Offspring #1 said, "What do you think she'll give you?"
I said, "Probably something small, but as long as she doesn't give me that ridiculous "goose for all seasons" she keeps on the front porch, I'll be happy." I don't mean to sound cruel, but we've been making fun of this thing for the last couple of years. What possesses someone to slap a damn goose on the front porch and DRESS IT UP LIKE SANTA CLAUS?! Or Uncle Sam? Or a FREAKING BUNNY RABBIT?! It makes no sense.
Well, congratulate me because I am now the proud owner of THREE FREAKING GEESE FOR ALL SEASONS! As we were carrying them out to the car, I said to FO #1, "When did she freaking adopt an entire goose family?" but she didn't answer me because she was too busy laughing. her. ass. off. Now here's the worst part: my aunt MADE clothes for them. Yes, she's one of those crafty people who can sew anything. Unfortunately.
So the geese came with a box of clothes. I'm surprised they didn't have shoes.

What do you think about Newt Gingrich admitting to an affair
at the same time he was blasting Clinton for having an affair?
Gingrich has proven himself time and time again. He had an affair with Anne Manning
while married to his first wife, who he divorced while she was going through cancer recovery. He refused to pay her alimony or child support. He married wife #2, and while married to her, had the affair he's confessed to now. He divorces wife #2 and MARRIES his affair. How dumb is she? If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. It's his business that he was stupid enough to have an affair but how hypocritical to be publicly pointing fingers at someone else and trying to justify that behavior by saying it was "different" for Clinton. You're both cheaters and liars. Have the decency to admit it. Now Gingrich has Falwell singing his praises for being so honest. And the stupidity continues...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

you make me believe

Note to Tom Brady: Condoms: So easy even a football player can use them.

My favorite line from Little Miss Sunshine was when Olive took the stage at the pageant.
She said, "I'd like to dedicate this [her dance] to my grandpa because he taught me the moves."
The creepy John Mark Carr-esque announcer said, "Aww, that's sweet. Where is your grandpa?"
Olive said, "In the trunk of our car."

I was watching the Sarah Silverman show yesterday and Sarah stole batteries from a store and ran. The police were chasing her and they gave out her description over the radio,
then added, "The suspect is NOT black. Repeat. The subject is NOT black."

My gf was complaining that she can't get any dates. I said, "Get yourself a MySpace and pretend
you're a 13 year old girl. You'll have to beat them off with a stick.......and a taser."

I bought a bag of those Quaker Rice Cakes yesterday.
It's like eating a chunk of styrofoam dipped in caramel. Yum!
On the bag, it says, "..these Quaker Rice cakes are a smart choice because they are fat free and have 0g trans fat."They neglect to add that third, fourth, and fifth ingredients are sugar and sugar derivatives.

Well the Leprechaun traps were a hit......with the dog, who lapped up all the honey about five seconds after we put the traps on the floor.
I didn't realize that Female Offspring #8 continued to refill the traps until Holly crawled upstairs with a bellyache.
We also caught a host of ants, thank you very much. I can only assume the were Irish ants.
Disclaimer: No Leprechauns were harmed in the making of these traps..........but the offspring did yank my last nerve.

Friday, March 09, 2007

hell, no, i'm not smarter than a fifth grader

The "Are You Smarter Than" answers are as follows:
1. Blue Giant
2. 4
3. False
4. September
5. India
6. Venus
7. 3/4's
8. 1860
9. 10
10. 88 cups (knew Stacey would get that one right)
11. Cenazoic Era (Dustin, I had the same reaction...LOL!)

easy as one, two, three

Last night when I was restocking the bomb shelter, Female Offspring #8 was begging me to make Leprechaun traps again this year. As if last year's experience wasn't fun enough. She told me that instead of trying to lure the Leprechauns with pennies she stole from my booze jar, she's going to use honey. Great. So I'll have sick, sticky cats on my hands.

Soooo *are* you smarter than a 5th grader? Here are last night's questions:
1. 3rd grade astronomy: Of the following, which kind of star is the hottest? Regular yellow star, blue giant, red dwarf.
2. 4th grade math: How many sides does a rhombus have?
3. 1st grade animal science: True or False? Komodo dragons are extinct.
4. 1st grade earth science: In the Northern Hemisphere, summer ends in which month?
5. 2nd grade world geography: After China, what country has the biggest population?
6. 2nd grade astronomy: which planet is typically the brightest in the night sky?
7. 3rd grade social studies: An amendment to the US constitution must be
radified by what percentage of the states? 2/3's? 3/4? All of them
8. 4th grade US history: In what year was A. Lincoln first elected US president?
9. 3rd grade math: A decagon has how many sides?
10. 4th grade measurements: How many cups are in five and a half gallons?
11. 5th grade earth science: What geologic era are we in right now?

A guy on Hot(t) Pursuit was mouthing off to the cop who arrested him for driving drunk. He kept telling the cop that he was going to have his badge, and at one point he said, "When I get through with you, you'll be doing fucking traffic duty."
The cop said, "What do you think I'm doing right now?" LOL! Can't aruge with that logic.

I was rewinding a tape yesterday and saw a little of a reality show where the chicks were
trying to get a part on Broadway. Some story ideas do not translate well to reality shows and this is one of them. I couldn't even work up a little apathy towards the chicks. Now change that to GUYS trying to get on Broadway and the show would be chock full o'drama.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

from last night's south park

LOL! could they *be* any more irreverant?

why you wanna give me the run around?





What in the world is wrong with John Popper? Police arrested him after going 111 mph.
<---Look at all the weapons they took from his vehicle. Good grief. Sadly, the word "paranoid" comes to mind.









Yesterday Court TV published the press release that Star Jones was coming
back to tv and with it a picture of a fat Star. Today the same story link has a picture of a skinny Star. LOL!
I wonder is she's...you know....pushing her (lack of) weight around already?

Just finished watching "Little Miss Sunshine" and I give it a five out of five. It had the perfect mix of comedy and drama and I loved it.
Of course, the bit about them having to push the car to start it and then jump in once it was coasting seemed all too familiar.
I decided that the reason I didn't like "Stranger than Fiction" as much as I wanted to was because of Will Farrell's character.
Usually he's a total buffoon and I avoid his movies. In "Stranger Than," he did a complete turnaround
and played a stereotypical IRS employee: stooped shoulders, boring, mired in routine. I kept
waiting for him to crack SOME jokes, but he didn't, and that's why I didn't like it so much.
Next up: Farce of the Penguins.
I have to admit that whole child beauty pageant stuff is downright CREEPY, and how creepy
was it that the emcee of the Little Miss Sunshine contest looked like John Mark Carr?
When Olive started dancing to "SuperFreak," I loved it.

Ahhhh, Tuesday night I began sleeping in my own sweet bed again.
As Mr. G often says, I'm not hard to please. I was so happy to get a good night's sleep again.

Now that Mike South has made the front page of AVN.com, I'm worried sick that
any day now I'll turn on Lifetime and see "The Mike South Story."
I think this is South's ticket to the Hall of Fame though. And he needs to milk this story for all it's worth.
He needs to give up that dream of inducted on content and take what he can....

I received a catalog from Spring Hill Nurseries in Ohio and they had a $25 gift coupon attached.
It said that you could take $25 off any product, you didn't have to have a certain
amount of product and if your order total was $25, you only paid shipping and handling. I thought that
was a pretty doggone generous deal, and I've been wanting to buy some creeping Phylox for a small
hillside that Mr. G has to use the weed eater on. I thought it would be pretty to have the blue, pink and scarlet phylox mixed.
As soon as I saw their prices, I realized why the were giving you $25 off. THREE Phylox plants
were $14.00 and 12 were FORTY FIVE dollars. What a rip off. Michigan Bulb, the company
that I usually buy from sells 12 for $14 and 24 Creeping Phylox for $25. Guess where I'm buying it?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

this is how we do it baby

I was reading a Feng Shui column on marriage and the woman suggested this change if you and your spouse are fighting, "To strengthen your marriage, inspect the southwest area in each room, making sure there are no wood items."
Well, until they start making furniture out of cement, I'm going to have a bit of a problem with this idea.

Oh, gawd, noooooooooooo! Why does that snotty bitch have to ruin Court TV for me?!
“My goal is to inform, empower, educate and entertain viewers. And Court TV is the perfect place to accomplish that mission.”
Hmm, she left out the part about being an annoying pain in the rear.
One can only hope she discusses how her husband is STILL not gay....

We got about six inches of snow last night.
I let Holly out to run this morning and she was neck deep in the white stuff.

Though I fully intended to go to bed early last night to make up for lost sleep this week, just as I was ready to turn off the tv, Jim Gaffigan's special came on Comedy Central and I had to watch that. He is one of the few comedians that consistently makes me laugh. I loved his bit about the different Hot Pockets. He said, "Did you hear about the new Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It's a Hot Pocket inside of a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
Then he talked about re-gifting and about how it was a good thing that the Statue of Liberty was a beautiful statue, otherwise we might have regifted it, which would have then proved embarrassing when the French came to visit. Very funny stuff. If you get a chance to see his special, check it out.