Sunday, December 02, 2007

these wonderful things are the things we'll remember all through our lives

I was watching a HORRIBLY depressing holiday movie on Saturday afternoon, called "Home For The Holidays".
And like a bad accident scene, I couldn't help but stare....for two long hours.
Sean Young was the main female character and I guess Perry King was the main male character, but that's hard to gauge since he was only in about four scenes. Young was sporting this horrific hair do(n't). I'm guessing she was in her 30's when this movie was made and she had a short curly do(n't) with bangs cut straight across and shorter than mid forehead. YUCK. She looked like my Midge doll after I took the scissors to her.
Let's begin tallying the depressing moments of this "Christmas" movie, shall we? First off, Sean loses her sister and brother-in-law in a car accident and has to care for her two young nephews and her niece. She's barely hanging onto temporary custody of them through all of this because she only works part time. But she's not worried because they'll move into the kids home and she'll raise them on the life insurance policies, right? Wrong. The bank has informed her that her sister and b-i-l were piss poor money managers, in debt up to their eye balls, and now they owe more than they have. Consequently, the life insurance policies are being taken to pay off an equipment loan and the property has been swiped by that fricking, UNFAIR law known as "eminent domain". Oh, how I know ye well. If she doesn't have money to raise them, social services will take the kids! Then the small nephew is taken away for psychological evaluation. If they don't think it's working out with the family, social services will take the kids! In the meantime, the mean old child services lady comes to their temporary home and decides it's too small. She's taking the kids! Sean goes to the bank to get a loan to build on an addition. Oy. Smart thinking there when you have no savings, a part time job and three kids with no health insurance to raise. The Scrooge like banker turns her down. But nothing will stop Sean in her quest to keep that family together! She gets the brilliant idea to move the house. After all, the land might belong to the power company, but the house is hers, damn it! Now this is the part that REALLY had me rolling my eyes--as if the rest didn't--the only plans this chick makes is having the sheriff close the road and posting signs all around town. I know full well that in small towns people pitch in and help each other without any expectation of payment--because Sean told us so--but come on. Calling someone with the proper equipment might be a spiffy idea, instead of expecting him to show up like a fairy tale Prince Charming. Alas, just when Sean seems to give up hope, the entire town shows up to help and you'd think the problem was solved right? Wrong. Now that they have the house ready to go, the sheriff informs them that power lines along Sean's property will get in the way. It can't be moved onto her property. Social services is taking the kids! But wait, King's mother will let them move the house onto her land. All is well! But wait! The residence must be permanent or--say it with me, kids--"social services will take the kids". Perry says, "Let's make it permanent" despite the fact that they've seen each other onscreen, at that point, for a total of about three minutes. They're getting married and all is well, right? Wrong. When they get the house on Perry's land, there's no electricity and without electricity the house isn't livable and without a livable guessed it..."social services is taking the kids!" At this point, I'm screaming, "TAKE THE DAMN KIDS!! They're sooo not worth all these headaches!!" But alas, at the last moment, King gets the lights working and social services has no choice but to give Sean custody of the kids. Merry Christmas!!!

I was reading Dear Jeanne aka Dear Abby in Sunday's paper and this guy wrote, "I keep reading that having sex regularly will improve your health and extend your life. However, my wife of 34 years has lost all interest in sex and keeps pushing me away. What should I do?" Check out this brilliant response from Jeanne: "I, too, have read that engaging in sex regularly can improve one's health and extend one's life." Way to totally avoid answering the question, Jeannie. I didn't hear the words "get her to a doctor" or "greasing your rod in private" once.

We have totally lost our minds. A company that hires Santas to work in malls has advised them not to use the word "ho," as in "ho, ho, ho" because it might be demeaning to women.They want them to now say, "ha, ha, ha, Merry Christmas". I think we should farmers should stop using the phrase "hoe down" because that's offensive to women. I think we should also ban all roosters who use the phrase "cock-a-doodle do" because some men might find that offensive.


BBC said...

"We have totally lost our minds."

No shit? I figured that out a long time ago. I suppose I saw that movie but don't recall it, and I don't watch those kind of movies anymore.

And I won't do crap about Christmas other than buy Helen a few candy bars as she loves her chocolate. She is 85, skinny, wasting away, and I will buy her all of them she wants.

Sometimes giving others happiness is pretty cheap.

Oh, and ho, ho, fucking ho. :-)

BBC said...

"I think we should also ban all roosters who use the phrase "cock-a-doodle do" because some men might find that offensive."

Chickens are so cool. When the rooster knocks off a little everyone in the flock brags about it.

She starts it with, "I got some, I got some." And everyone else joins in, how cool is that?

*Goddess* said...

Billy, Billy, Billy. Do you know how many women you just offended with that last comment? LOL!

*Goddess* said...

We once had a chicken and TWO roosters that found their way into our yard and I thought SHE was way cool to have two "cocks" at her beck and call:)

BRUNO said...

Ha, ha, ha, Merry Christmas---naw, it just don't sound right! Sounds more like a perverted Santa, who's already FOUND his HO, HO, HO's!

Maybe we could try YOUR version of "Bwah-ha-ha!"

BRUNO said...

You'll have to forgive me. I'm still salivating over your "sound-clip video"!

No, dammit---NOT the M&M's---the VOICE...!

Lin said...

Aww geez, what a cheery sounding holiday movie. I'm surprised you didn't gnaw through your wrist watching that drama dirge.

So now we're having a Christmas (sorry, I mean Tree or Family event or something) with no mo' hos? This really is pathetic. I blame this all on Don Anus or whatever his name is.

Lin said...

Since everyone else is leaving double comments, I might as well, too.
You do realize, of course, that Bruno won't be able to see an M&M now without a reaction. His wife might start hiding them under his pillow and in the cigar box. But at least they don't cause heart attacks so what the hey.

BRUNO said...

Nah, had to swear off 'em, especially the ones' with peanuts---about tore my ass apart! Like shittin' briars...!!!

BRUNO said...

And the PLAIN ones? Uh-uh. Kept gettin' stuck in my windpipe! What's that? You say you're supposed to CHEW 'em first?

D'-Oh! DAMMIT!!!

*Goddess* said...

I didn't even use the phone sex voice, Lin! LOL...

BRUNO said...

Oh, ye temptress of E-E-E-E-VIL....!