Sunday, December 30, 2007

behold the face of TROUBLE!

love means never having to say 'i google myself'

What a game last night between NE and NY. What gives with the refs turning a blind eye to the eye poke from the Patriots? That should have been a 15 yard penalty. And it would have been had NY been at fault. They caught the "whack to the head," but not the eye poke. Interesting. I have a new crush. Yes, I'm quickly falling in love with Cathy Mitchell, the woman who pimps the GT Xpress 101. She's what I imagine Stacey is like in the kitchen. That woman can make a sandwich or omelet out of ANYTHING. Toss in some steak, potatoes, shoe leather, cover with egg, and viola! A delicious, chewy omelet! Mix up a cake batter, add some strawberries and barbed wire and presto! A fun, crunchy angel food cake! I love this woman. If only I could marry her and make her my kitchen slave for life. Her jogging suit top is fabulous, too!

I swear if I hear one more commercial telling me that on January 1st Court TV becomes Tru TV ["not reality. actuality" ] I'll vomit. They've been running these damn things for MONTHS. And it feels like it. Now I just want it to happen so they'll be forced to remove that annoying icon at the bottom of the screen that is reminding me of the change 24/7. As if the commercials aren't obnoxious enough. My only fear is that in January they'll have a new icon reading "Tru TV, formerly Court TV" mucking up my screen.

You know when you're watching a show and someone speaks a foreign language, they
run the translation at the bottom of the screen? I was at work on Saturday waiting for my boss to shake shit, and I turned on the TV and they were airing a show about celebrity near death experiences. Naturally, Keith Richards made the list. (Probably more than once.) Well, as he was talking, I noticed they were "translating" his words at the bottom of the screen. Good thing, too. Now if they'd just do that for Snoop Dog.

After a few minutes of that, I flipped over to an E special featuring lots of clips from Cheaters.
I love the way the dude on Cheaters exploits people's pain, then says how sorry he is. What an ass. Especially when he shows people video proof of the person cheating, then says, "I'll bet that's hard for you to see." DUH. But that doesn't stop him from showing them, does it? Then he always follows it up with how the cheatee doesn't deserve to be treated that way, as if justifying his "humanitarian work efforts". I did LMAO, though, when he went to a commercial break by saying, "When we return, more heartbreak." Why do people go on this show? It's bad enough that they've been cheated on, but to allow an entire nation to see them be made fools of? Dumb. I guess I was raised differently. I was taught to hold in all your anger and shame, and pretend everything is fine, even though you're dying inside. Builds character. And ulcers.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

i scream, you scream, we all scream for ice crea

I was zipping around the internet and found an article called "Hot Monogamy: Playboy bunnies share their tips on keeping love alive". Now nothing against Playboy bunnies, but my first question would be: how long has your longest relationship lasted? Anyone can dispense tips on keeping the SEX alive, which is pretty much what their new book is about, but there's a huge difference between keeping the LOVE alive and keeping the guy interested in sex. And I really have to wonder how many Playboy bunnies practice monogamy in the first place?

I was watching "Underdog" yesterday. I thought it was so cute when the kid came home and found the mess Underdog made. He yelled at Underdog and Underdog said, 'Give me a break. It was was an accident." The kid didn't realize Underdog could talk and he was afraid someone was in the house. He walked over to the dog and said, "Did you hear something?" And in the same hushed tone, Underdog said, "No, did you?" LOL!
Then I watched 'Superbad'. Ouch, they made the cops look like blithering idiots. The only funny part was when the cops were shooting at a stop sign to prove their marksmenship and they heard sirens. One of them screamed, "It's the cops!" and they all went running. I do agree, though, that "Superbad" was super bad. And not in a good way either.

Have I mentioned how much I love having all the offspring home for Christmas? Yeah, there's a good reason for that. I was watching The Young and The Restless and po' Victoria has been in a coma since...well, since her maternity leave began. She's been comatose for weeks and yet they show her laying in bed with no tubes attached. How the hell are they feeding her? Anywho, the spoilers reported that she would open her eyes briefly today, so I wanted to see it because I love those sorts of shows. If TPTB had any brains at all, though, they would have had her awaken on Christmas Eve. But I digress. I had to run to the bathroom and I told the offspring that I wanted to see this scene so they should watch for it till I got back. When Victoria opened her eyes, I told them to yell for me. Wow. Could I have BEEN any dumber? Four times I started into the bathroom, only to hear, "IT'S ON! MOM! IT'S ON!" Then, "NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME!! IT'S ON!" The pissy thing is she never DID open her eys. Grrrrrr....

take the last train to clarksville

Here's my ring! I don't know why it didn't occur to me to take the picture from the online site in the first place. But I love, love, LOVE it!

Mr. G rolled over in bed last night and whispered that having the offspring

home all the time was "cramping our style". I said, "We don't have a 'style'. That's what's cramping our style." Speaking of being cramped, Mr. G and I slept together the last couple nights since someone else is using my bed. We had 2 positions all night long: curled up in the fetal position to the left or curled up in the fetal position to the right. I MISS MY BED!!

Every night before I go to bed, I pray, "Dear Lord, please do NOT let Mr. G see that
infomercial for "Mighty Putty" because he'll be puttying everything that he hasn't duct taped. Thank You for Your support in this matter, Lord."

I want to assure you that absolutely NO REINDEER were sickened by our "magic reindeer food" this Christmas. Yeah, that's right, we didn't make any.

If Hollywood wanted to make a movie that would scare the hell out of people, they shouldn't have made "Snakes On A Plane," they should have made "Tuberculosis On A Plane." BTW, whatever happened to the Bird Flu? I thought we were all dying of that. You know, after we didn't all die of SARS.

I've been watching some prison shows--they had a marathon the day before yesterday--and I find it interesting that the most often repeated complaint among these thieves, murderers and child molesters fighting amongst themselves is that someone 'disrespected' them. There was a case on the noon news about a prisoner who went wild in the court room because he felt he was being 'disrespected'.
Pretty damn ironic that they choose that word.

That hot bag o'wind Rush Limbaugh had the balls to say this of political candidate Hilary Clinton: "Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before the eyes on a daily basis?" as IF her looks has ANYTHING to do with her political experience. He also said that older men look "more authoritative,
accomplished, distinguished." Really, Rush? Hasn't worked in your case.
Rush's attitude is every bit as infantile as people who vote for a candidate based on their looks. We've had to stand by and watch every male
President age before our very eyes, I don't think it'll kill anyone to watch a
female President age. After all, she'd be voted in to lead the country, not be a pin-up model for Rush to jack off to.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

we wish you a strange christmas

This is by far the most interesting Christmas decoration I've seen this year. So much so that I had to make a special trip to snap this picture.

You'll notice the choir is made up of several singers, both human and snowman. Why the snowmen are wearing party hats is beyond me. At least the choir director doesn't have any problems finding members.

I call this, "Fa La La La Huh?"

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

murder he narrated

I forgot to mention that the offspring bought me several boxes of "MenoCheck" for Christmas. It's a one step urine test to tell whether or not you're in menopause. Last night when I started yelling about the state of the living room, they began pelting me with the boxes. I think they might have been hinting at something, but I'm not sure what. It's a sucky gift, but it still beats the "Year of the Chia Pet" when I got 16 of them.

Gawd, I can't believe it's Wednesday already! One more day and I have to go back to work. The $ is nice, but these hours get to me after awhile.

It's official! Mr. G tried it and it worked. The next time you have a cold and are coughing a lot at night, rub the soles of your feet with Vicks VapoRub and put on heavy socks. He tried it last night and he never coughed once, despite the fact that he was very skeptical about it. I don't know why it works, but I do know that when I used t put Vicks on my chest, the cold seemed to settle into the chest, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

If you're a Forensic Files nut like I am, this will have you rolling. Anybody who watches the show knows that the narrator has a very distinctive voice. I was watching TV on Christmas Day and I saw that stupid commercial about the day they removed the Whopper from Burger King's menu and
they have a special website with video of customer reactions. I logged onto watch the video and guess who is narrating? It's the guy from Forensic Files!'s hilarious.
I'd love to know what that guy's name is, and I even sat through almost 8 minutes of that drivel, but they never listed his name.
The funniest thing about that video is that no one recognized the "manager," who is an actor I've seen on credit card commercials.
BTW, there's a real hottie in this vid with grey hair and a dark goatee. He's the guy
talking about how his parents used to put them all in a van and take them for a Whopper. For us, it was Stuver's Chicken. The funny thing is--and Mr. G still laughs about this--my mother would say, "You can have a drink and a sandwich, or fries and a sandwich, but you can't have all three," as IF we were eating at some
expensive restaurant. Then just to piss my mother off, we'd say stuff like, "What
if we want a drink and fries? Or fries and a pie?" until she was screaming, "ANY TWO!!"

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

i'll be home for christmas

Ahhh, there's no place like home for the holidays. Unless that home happens to be a trailer with 16 screaming kids all demanding to know where their presents are at 5 a.m. Is it my fault Santa can't fit his fat butt through our bathroom exhaust pipe?!

But enough about the offspring and their greedy ways! You will never BELIEVE what Santa brought ME!!!! I couldn't believe it myself. Santa brought me A GORGEOUS DIAMOND RING!! I'm like, "Santa, I LOVE this, but why did you buy me another one when I returned the last one we bought?" Santa told me he loved me and wanted me to have the ring. Plus, apparently Santa got a good deal on it, so even if anything would happen job wise for either of us, it didn't cost that much that I'd feel guilty about keeping it. Besides, they're gonna have to saw this one off, finger and all, to get it back. It's beautiful and I love it! I tried to take a picture of it, but it keeps coming out too white. Must be all the flash from the camera combined with the flash from all those diamonds:) (I know I'm boasting, but hey, all too soon I'll be back to bath beads and slippers. These kinds of gifts only come along once in a blue moon.)

We visited Mr. G's mother this afternoon. I doubt we'll visit my parents till later on in the week. My mother always has her shabang on Christmas Eve, and then my relatives begin an orgy of visiting. It's insane, and it used to drive my husband nuts, until he just refused to go any longer. It's like this: all the siblings pretty much live within 20 minutes of my mother, but we don't see each other hardly at all during the year. Then the week of Christmas we see each other at Mom's on Christmas Eve, another relative's on Christmas Day, then we visit each other at their houses. BUT we can't visit one sister one year at her house and then have her come to our house the next year. NOOOO! Everybody has to go back and forth to each other's house during the week or they get REALLY PISSED and it's absolutely nuts. Frankly, I'm glad we stepped off the Merry-Go-Round O'Visiting. After we'd leave someone's house, my husband used to say, "Unless somebody dies, we can cross them off the list for another twelve months." Nobody ever said family traditions had to make sense.

Monday, December 24, 2007

christmas is coming the goose is getting fat

Ya know, you try to do a good deed and take a stray cat in, and suddenly they turn into "stalker kitty". Sunday morning when I came home from work, I was doing dishes in the kitchen. Mr. G had his car parked in the driveway across from the kitchen window. I was looking down and I saw a flash of black, then heard a thump. I'm thinking, "What the hell was that?" But, of course, I ignored it. Hey, if it's not on fire within three feet of me, I have better things to worry about. A few seconds later, I glanced up and saw Hobo Kitty on the trunk of Mr. G's car. He then launched himself at the kitchen window and all I saw were frantic paws clawing and sliding down the glass. What a maroon.

I finally got to see the 1945 movie "Christmas in Connecticut." Barbara Stanwyck plays Elizabeth Lane, a Martha Stewart type who can do anything domestic. She writes a column for a magazine, and claims to be knowledgeable on just about every subject. She's a great cook, wonderful wife, mother and housekeeper, who even takes care of her farmhouse. The only problem is she's none of those things. She writes her column from a small cramped New York apartment and is single. Alexander Yardley, the publisher of the magazine she writes for and a stickler for the truth, has no idea she's been lying about her situation, and he decides that he, along with a wounded soldier, will spend Christmas at her farm. The movie became a tad convoluted, but it was a cute idea.
I have to admit, though, if I hadn't known Elizabeth was Stanwyck, I never would have recognized her.
I guess her Big Valley days had me thinking she had always been a peroxide blonde.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

it must have been the mistletoe

<---Awwww, there's a new little addition to my reindeer family! Isn't he cute?

Holly and I were laying in bed Friday morning around 7ish and we heard a noise on the front porch that startled both of us. She looked at me, and I was like, "Hey, you're the dog. You tell ME if it's something we have to be worried about."

As a mom, may I just say that this lead paint and asbestos scare in toys could not have come at a better time. This is the first year I don't have to strain my brain cells thinking up excuses as to why I can't afford expensive toys. Fruit of the Loom for everyone!

The other night we were driving around looking at the Christmas lights and Female Offspring #7 pointed at the sky and said, "Mommy, what planets do you think those are?" With me being the big astronomy buff, I thought for a few seconds and said, "Well, honey, just a guess, but I think that's Venus. Annnd," I studied the sky for a few more moments, "if my calculations are correct--and I think they are--the other planet would be Saturn."
She turned to Mr. G and asked him what he thought . He said, "They're the lights from the airport, Honey."
Yeah, that was my second guess.

I don't know who thought of the idea of labeling everything brown as "chocolate", but it's pure genius, and a fabulous marketing idea. Call it "gold" and I'm sorta interested. Call it "chocolate gold," and I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!
Chocolate cell phone? Need it. Chocolate diamonds? Can't live without 'em.
Dear Santa, Please bring me some Chocolate Jack Daniels. I've been an angel all year.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

soon it will be Christmas Day

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Mike South gave out his "awards" today, and I'm protesting my so-called "win". He pretty much lets it be known that if if JimmyD had his funny bone reinserted, I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning. I guess I should just be happy he didn't bring TimCase into it again. LIKE HE DOES EVERY FREAKING YEAR!!!! Why doesn't he just say it like it is?
This is the "if anybody else gave a shit about their blog, you'd lose" award. AND furthermore, I hate when he labels my stuff "chick humor."
If it was "chick" humor, he wouldn't get it. Besides, I have more guys reading my site than women. My friend David suggested the term "chick logic" until I informed him there's no such thing.

One more reason I won't let Mr. G own a gun.

I'm afraid I'll ask him to turn up the heat and he'll start shootin'!

I cried my way through Prancer again this morning. Damn.
I can't help boo hoo'ing every time I see Prancer join Santa's team at the end of the movie. I think, "he WAS Prancer! That spunky little chick was right to hold on to her beliefs even though everyone thought she was loser!" Then I bawl some more.

My name is Goddess, and I have a dirty little secret: I started watching it when I was bored, and now I just love "Reba". The guy who plays Van is hilarious, as he struggles to understand all the women around him. And I just love Melissa Peterson. She's so cute and bubbly and funny. Her Fla La La La Lifetime bits with Carson Pressley are hilarious. I like the one where she picks him up and says, "I need to wrap you. I'm going to regift you."

Today I watched The Simpson's Movie and Evan Almighty. Evan Almighty wasn't horrible, but sadly, it was predictable. And also, for a comedy, it wasn't very funny. Wanda Sykes had the best line in the entire movie. When Evan (as Noah) raised his staff and the animals all began calmly boarding the Ark two by two, she said, "What in the world? I can't even get my cats to use the litter box!" I enjoyed seeing all the animals and it was cute the way they kept following him around. I'm probably in the minority, but Steve Carell is a lot like Jim Carey in my book, and I don't mean that in a good way. He does the same physical shtick in every movie, and it's like you've seen one of his movies and you've seen them all. One part of the movie that made no sense was when Evan told his wife he wanted to build a "boat," then began working on the Ark. He had one section started before he told his wife the truth. I'm a wife. I know wives. There's no way on God's green earth that he could have lifted that first huge beam into place without her running out of the house, screaming "What the Hell are you thinking?! You said a "boat," not a monstrosity!!"
I was a bit perplexed by something that happened in the movie. I thought God's way was to provide us with the ideas and we had to make the stuff happen.
God provided Evan with the wood, the land to build the Ark on, the tools and even the "Ark Building for Dummies" book. Makes me wonder why God just didn't build the doggone Ark Himself. Yes, God comes off as a tad controlling in this movie.

The Simpson's Movie was pretty good. I loved the first part when Homer, Marge and the kids were sitting in the theater watching an episode of Itchy and Scratchy and Homer stood up and said, "I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker!" Then he looks into the camera and says, "Especially YOU!" Then they ran one of those annoying FOX ads at the bottom of the screen during the movie, and it said, "Yes! We even advertise our shows in movies!" What I've always loved about the Simpsons creators is that they're not afraid to poke fun of themselves and their network. Another funny part was when Lisa was furious with Homer. She said, "I'm so angry!" and Marge said, "You're a woman. You can hold onto it forever."
Funny, but after all these years, I STILL cover my face during the Itchy and Scratchy segments. They are way too violent.

Did you ever wake up with a song in your head? Usually I find it's connected to a
dream I had, but this morning, I woke up with that old song, "The End of the World" running through my head. Mostly the line, "Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when I lost your love." Then I kept thinking about it, and I realized I HAD that song on an old Ally McBeal soundtrack CD.
Vonda Shepard did a really good version of it.

Speaking of music, you know what annoying Christmas song I haven't heard yet this year? And I shouldn't even mention it or I'll start hearing it all the time, not UNLIKE those freaking Christmas Shoes, which I seem to be hearing on a daily basis now. I haven't heard "Christmas Wrapping," that repetitious song by The Waitresses.

i'm dreaming of a (barely) white christmas

I was chatting with someone online about how Holly will be on a walk then suddenly just sit her ass down and refuse to move. The girl said, "No problem. I put my dog in a Snuggly and strap her to my chest." Yeah, that's kinda hard with a one hundred pound Lab. I mean, I know I need to strengthen my back muscles, but mutha please.

There's an interview in today's newspaper with Jamie Lynn Spears about her show Zoey 101 has reached some sort of "crossroads". I didn't pay any attention to that bullshit, but, in lieu of recent pregnancy events, I thought this part was interesting: "She's more open about her own situation, saying she had no serious boyfriend. 'I kind of just keep my options open,' she said." Apparently her options isn't the only thing she's keeping open. MEOW! Poor Mom Spears is batting a thousand with these two. I know this kid is on a Nickelodeon show, but the next season is already taped. By the time the season after that is filmed, she won't be pregnant anymore. So tell me, why does talk immediately turn to her getting fired? Perhaps the bf should lose his job, too? Whatever that might be. I doubt they'll fire her though. It would NOT look good. And if Hunter Tylo vs. Aaron Spelling has taught us anything, it probably isn't legal either.
What stuns me about all of this is not that another Spears kid is in trouble, but that some dumbass Christian publishing company actually wanted Mom Spears to write a book on PARENTING. I would not take any advice on raising children from a woman whose child had a "growth spurt" read "BOOB JOB" in her early teens.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

don we now our gay apparel

<----I worked on it all afternoon, but I finally got my tree up!! Isn't she a beaut?

If you're bored and hate The Christmas Shoes as much as I do, you'll want to read this hilarious (and compellingly honest) review. (I say "if you're bored" because it's quite long) My favorite line is this: "And then, some producer somewhere thought it would be a really keen idea to cast Rob Lowe in the lead part -- no, not as the shoes, though he would have been much more convincing."

Thanks for the advice about telescopes. The only thing that concerns me is that this is something I'll spend a bunch of $ on, only to have it become a cool place to hang his baseball hats. It's just that Mr. G so rarely ever asks for anything that I'd like to get it. He keeps saying, "I'd like to have one Christmas where $ is no object." Hell, I'd like to have one lifetime where $ is no object. But I was curious as to what he'd even want if he could have anything because, as I said, he rarely asks for anything. He's a big reader, BUT doesn't like to buy books or own books. He gets them from the library. The man has NO CD's, DVD's or VHS pre-recorded movies to his name. Granted, I only have a couple DVD/VHS movies myself, but I do have music CD's. So AFTER I bought his Steeler jacket and hat, he tells me about the telescope. Oy. Luckily his birthday is in January, so I know what to get him. His jacket looks very sharp, btw. It has the big Steeler logo on the back and I bought him the commemorative Super Bowl winter hat to go with it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

joy to the world, all the boys and girls

Does anybody know ANYTHING about telescopes?
My husband keeps talking about how he'd love a telescope
to gaze at the planets and stars, and his birthday is coming up in January,
so I'd like to buy him one. Any help would be appreciated!

"Met my old lover at the grocery store..."
Goodbye to Dan Fogelberg, who died of cancer. I know it's corny, but I LIKE "Same Auld Lang Syne."

I was flipping channels this afternoon and they were running this poll
on the "entertainment" show Extra: "Who should get the kids for Christmas: Britney or Kevin?" Good grief. As IF that's the public's decision to make. I'm rather shocked they didn't have the ever popular "undecided" option.

I heard the song, "Here Comes Santa Claus" on the way home tonight and I never picked up on the line, "Let's give thanks to the Lord above, cuz Santa Claus comes tonight" before. Yes, I'm sure Jesus is grateful we're overlooking His birthday because Santa is coming.

Last night Mr. G sat me down and said, "Try to remain calm, but I wanted to let you know that I am buying you something for Christmas that you've wanted for a long, long time."
I jumped up and screamed, "OMG!! You're buying me a NEW two carat diamond ring! I gave up all hope after I returned that one, thinking I'd never get--"
"NO! Not that ring stuff again!" he interrupted. "I'm getting you that Chrissy doll you wanted when you were a little kid."
Me: "WHAT?! That stupid doll ruined my life!"
Mr. G: "I thought you said your mother ruined your life."
Me: "Well, of course, my mother ruined my life. Every mother worth her salt ruins
her daughter's life. And if the dads are doing right by their sons, they'll be brooding and emotionally unavailable, dooming generations of men to come. Those are givens. But Chrissy ruined my life because she taught me that you can wish and wish and dreams never come true!"
Then two little tears slid down my cheeks.
Mr. G: "Uh huh. You told me that when you were ten and got that yellow bike with the high handle bars and the banana seat, you learned that dreams really do come true!"
Me: "I told you that? Crap. I thought I laid that b.s. on the offspring. I wasted these damn tears for nothing."

Sunday, December 16, 2007

tis the season to be jolly

Getting to work this morning was a nightmare. We got sleet and freezing rain all night. I backed out of the garage and I could feel my tires sinking in. It had the consistency of sand. If some generous neighbor hadn't plowed our lane on their way home, I would have had a heck of a time getting up the hill.
Lord knows I can't depend on the township to plow it that early on a weekend. Again, thank God for studded tires! Getting home was lovely, too. It was snowing and winds were whipping up to 50 mph. When I got home, we had no
electricity. It was weird coming into the 'hood and seeing everything pitch black.

Well, well, well. I see my mortal enemy Celine Dion is leaving Las Vegas.
I TOLD you people I'd drive that woman out of Vegas like St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland!!

I know Stacey said it wasn't possible, but last night I was working on my laptop
and decided to clean up the kitchen. When I was in the kitchen I had a hankerin' to bake
some gluten free brownies. (Yes, I'm still on that kick) I came back into the living room
and could not get a signal on my laptop. I did the whole reboot/shut off modem thing and
it wouldn't work. I turned off the oven, and shut down the modem for 30 seconds and it connected just fine. 'Splain that, gurl!

I know they're trying for a "hip 'tude" on E's Daily 10, but Debbie Matenhoweveryouspellhername
comes off as more phony and annoying than hip.
She's trying way too hard.

VH1 did their Top 40 videos of 2007. I'll give you a hint as to what Number One
was: Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." Ok, it was more than a hint.
Chelsea Whatshername on E! bestowed her "Train Wreck of the Year Award" to.......Britney Spears.
Wow. That came as a total surprise. She's been making such sound decisions lately.

I was totally surprised to see Carnie Wilson on Celebrity Fit Club. Just goes to prove that gastric bypass is not always an answer. Sometimes it's just a temporary solution and a big ole sign that our demons will continue to plague us one way or another, until we deal with them. It's rather sad, too, because gastric bypass is hard on your body, and to go through all of that only to have your problem
return would be very disheartening.

I was watching The Soup and a guy from one of the reality shows had to be taken to the hospital, and was filling out the form. First he read "marital status" as "marshall status," and asked what that meant. Then he came to the line that said, "What was your method of arrival?", meaning were you brought to the hospital in an ambulance or did you come of your own accord. He turns to the person who brought him in, "What was it? A Ford or a Chevy? I'll just put Ford."

I saw a commercial for Aero Garden and the chick says, "This is something you can get for the person who has everything because they don't have this!" Then they don't have EVERYthing, do they?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

baby, it's cold outside

Gawd, I hate these winter weather reports. Yesterday they were calling for snow starting this evening. Then they changed it to snow and freezing rain starting this afternoon. NOW it's snow/freezing rain/sleet all during the night and ICE beginning--you guessed it--about an hour before I have to leave for work tomorrow morning. This is the same thing that happened last time around. I saw this big story on the news yesterday about how people are rushing out to get their winter tires put on. Gee, I think I know WHY the last two storms have been nightmares to navigate! Nitwits.

I was bored yesterday afternoon and turned on the WB channel. I saw some of the show that's supposedly based on the lives of Will Smith, his former wife and Jada Pinkett. I don't know the name of it; I've never seen it before, but they produce the show also. The young boy on the show is about 7 or 8 years old, and I'm guessing his dad is based on Will Smith because he acted a lot like Will's Fresh Prince character. What gives with these smooth talking grown men who have the need to turn their LITTLE BOYS into ladies' men? Heck, they even call them "little men." They're NOT little 'men.' They're little BOYS. The kid was flirting with a 20 something, and she and his dad thought it was cute. I think it's disgusting.
Why are we so intent on making our kids grow up before their time? Let little boys BE little boys. The sex stuff comes soon enough.

Wow. The Reno 911 movie totally sucked. The only funny part was when
Weigel asked Dangle for a "pity fuck." It's funny because she always wears those granny underpants and plain white bras. Oh, and when the guy asked Weigel what her last words were, she began with "When I was in the fourth grade..."
Other than it, it was booooring, and now I see why everyone keeps saying it's nothing more than an extended version of the show.
By contrast, "Hot Fuzz" was so much better UNTIL Sgt. Angel discovered who was behind the murders. Then it got bogged down in stupidity and it was pretty clear somebody behind this movie has a gun fetish. I LOVED Simon Pegg's portrayal of the workaholic top cop. He was very hott! And serious. Gotta love the serious, hott cops. WARNING: if you have a weak stomach, you should know there's a whoooole lot of running in this movie. That's right. Exercise. Made me tired just watching 'em! And yes, I did have trouble understanding the British accent. I had to keep rewinding and listening, especially when Nick Frost was talking.

Damn. has EXCELLENT online service! I ordered two
boxes of Stevia Wednesday afternoon and they were on my front porch at 11 o'clock Thursday. Now THAT'S service!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

you're as cold as ice

View of my hillside in the backyard this morning after an ice storm. Notice how those couple of dead leaves continue to cling stubbornly to my tree? See those fuzzy, rust colored things at the bottom of the pic? Those are Japanese Knot Weed and I couldn't kill those f'ers if I dropped an atomic bomb on them. Lord knows, I've tried to kill them.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

nightmare on christmas street

I took Holly for a walk yesterday afternoon and was checking out some of the decorations in the 'hood. One neighbor gets my prize for "most confusing Christmas scenes" otherwise known as the "Huh?! Award."

She has three sections of decorations across her small front yard, and decorations stuck right on the front of the house. (I didn't even know that was permissible. Although it's certainly attractive.) One section of decorations was a ceramic house labeled "The Claus's" with a Mr. & Mrs. Santa Claus standing next to it. I won't even tell you that Mr & Mrs. were taller than the house, and I spent several moments wondering how the hell they'd get through the front door.

In the middle was a big manager scene, complete with Three Wise Men and chipmunks climbing small pine covered light posts behind it. Off to either side of the manger were two sets of gawdawful wooden deer--knocked over, as if in a drunken stupor. Again, the deer were bigger than the manger people. On the other side of the manager scene was a grouping of Precious Moments ceramic angels around what looked to be a pine bough covered May Pole. I have no idea what that was all about. I'm thinking "Wiccan".

When we came home, Mr. G was just coming in from work. I said, "We were looking at the decorations." He said, "Let me guess which one caught your attention...." LOL! How could it NOT catch my attention?!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

don't shoot your eye out!

For those of you who don't have the time to watch Christmas movies like moi, but like to be in the know just the same, here are a few favorites encapsulated into 30 seconds.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation--I love the squirrel part!!

It's a Wonderful Life--this one's for FHB, who seems to like this movie. I love when the bunny says, "I don't knooooow" when asked about the money.

Christmas Story

Personally, I love their bunny version of Brokeback Mountain.

Thanks, Bugs!

Monday, December 10, 2007

gone away is the bluebird

A local church is having "Breakfast at the Manger...$4 for children, $6 for adults."
I said to Mr. G, "How many seconds before somebody spills pancake syrup all over Baby Jesus?"

Mr. G is forever "testing" me about this doggone dog. He said, "If someone offered you $100,000 for Holly would you take it?"”
I said, "What do they say, Honey? 'If you love something, set it free.....for $100,000'."

Just when I think I've heard it all, along comes this asshole...
With competition like this, I can smell that Mother of the Year award!

Ahh, fitting justice. Mr. G found out that they were having a buffet during the Christmas party at the
home where his mother is living now. He did a little digging with the owner of the home and found out they would be serving stuff like potato salad, meatballs, cookies, and all sorts of goodies.
Of course, the siren song of "free food" was a temptation too strong for him to ignore.
(My husband would be more apt to have an affair with Rachel Ray than he would Pam Anderson.
He prefers great food over fake ta-ta's. No matter how over inflated they may be.)

The party was from 3-5, so Mr. G had it all figured out. He would arrive at the home around 2:15 to make it appear
like he was really interested in visiting the oldsters. Then he would eat around 3ish and be home in plenty of time for the Steeler/Patriot game at 4.
He came home at 4:10 and yelled, "Not even a HINT of food! They had this stupid program, then Santa came and they were passing out presents, singing songs and getting their pictures taken with Santa!"
At which point, Female Offspring #1 immediately said, "Why would old people want their picture taken with Santa?"
Female Offspring #7 said, "When I had my picture taken with Santa, I peed on him. Did Grandma pee on Santa?"
Male Offspring #7 said, "Holly bit Santa. Did Grandma bite Santa?"
Oy. I said, "Perhaps, my dear, the TRUE MEANING of Christmas is not in the free food, but in friendships and sharing?"
Mr. G said, "Nah, it's the free food."

in the air there's a feeling of Christmas

There's a song I've been hearing on the radio that I really like. Well, I like the chorus, "Can't help it, the girl can't help it,"
but I had no idea who it was. I was listening to holiday music on, then
switched to Today's Hit Radio and they were playing the song. It's "Clumsy" by Fergie. NEVER would have guessed that was her.
I also like that song "The Way I Are" by Timbaland. No wonder we don't speak proper English in this country.

Once again the offspring were clamouring for Chicken Parmesan ala Stacey. I said, "Didn't I make this the last time I was off? What gives with you guys expecting me to cook TWICE in one month? That's BULLSHIT!" So I was in the kitchen and got all my stuff out, preparing to bread the chicken breasts, and I turned the Christmas music on the radio, as loud as my ear drums could stand in an attempt to drown out life and the offspring. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee was on. You won't find a much happier, upbeat Christmas song. I began dipping my breasts in egg and bread crumbs before deciding that it might be better if I put my shirt back on. Once I had my hands coated with bread crumbs, the song on the radio changes to 'THE FRIGGIN' CHRISTMAS SHOES". Why, you ask? Because Jesus hates me. And Jesus knew I would be too lazy to wash my hands and change the channel.
The more I listened to the song, the more it grated on my nerves. Let's think about this, the woman is dying and the kid buys her butt uglee shoes because he wants her to look nice when she meets Jesus in Heaven. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we leave our physical body HERE?! So the only one who's going to see those uglee shoes is the undertaker! And he is just going to point and laugh. Money from a perfect stranger wasted. Grrrr. Enough of those stupid shoes! That song is a disgusting scab I can't stop picking.
Mr. G came into the kitchen and I said, "Look, honey. I'm cooking, just like Stacey!"
He said, "Oh. Does she get drunk on Jack Daniels when she's frying with hot grease, too?"
I said, "If she doesn't, she has no idea what she's missing!"
I put the chicken in the oven and went into the living room to mess around on my laptop, but I had no wireless signal. I tried the usual reboot, then the reboot/turn off modem for thirty seconds, then the turn off modem for thirty seconds/unplug modem and rebooting.
(All steps were accompanied by much screaming and swearing.)
Finally I realized that I did have a signal on my desktop but not on my laptop, so I called the monkeys in tech support. They informed me that "something" was interferring with the wireless signal, perhaps--I swear--"an OVEN"?! If this isn't a sign that I should never cook again, I don't know what is.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

later on we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire

I have to share this because it's so damn funny. This is what Stacey wrote in my Christmas card: "Get your freak on so you can get your holiday lay on, Girl!! All the best to you and yours at the trailer park this holiday season, Goddess. May there only be one or ten, calls to your hood by hott cops to take your drunk, nude ass out of your fellow neighbors' rockin' holiday trailer bashes." Damn, she really takes the time to WRITE STUFF. This is what I write in my cards, "Happy Holidays!" and then I even abbreviate Mr. G's first name to make the card writing experience even shorter than it already is. Thanks, Ma'am! I love it.
Bugs sent me a really funny one, too. It's called "Christmas Road Rage," and it shows Santa and his reindeer flying passed a jet.
Santa to Jet Pilot: "Move it or lose it, Fly Boy!"
Jet Pilot: "Yeah, shove it up your chimney, ya freak!"
Santa: "You gettin' your frequent flyer miles at the airport lounge?"
Jet Pilot: "Hey, nice suit--your momma dress you like that?"
Santa: "I got your package right here!"
Jet Pilot: "Looks like your over your weight limit there, jolly boy!"

I found the Hott Cops story that ran on the news!!!
The Red Bluff TV reporter did a great job and the officers were really nice. I think the guys handled it really well considering the whole thing probably blindsided them:)
Go here and hit "video on demand" to the right of your screen. Then go to "news archives," and "December 5th, 2007". It's in the "weather segment." WEEEEEEE!
If some web savvy person could tell me how I could save that to my computer, I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me know. I'd love to have a copy of it saved.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!! Remember I told you how Mr. G's bro-in-law wanted him to "lend" him the weed eater and lawn mower we got from his mother? Yesterday, his sister says, "I'll pay you $50 for the weed eater, and I want the lawn mower, too." Her balls are GINORMOUS! My husband said, "Why wouldn't you take that $50 and put it towards a NEW weed eater? Why do you have to take what little I got?" and she walked away from him. What a total ass.

I received a hospital bill for some tests/blood work Mr. G had done, and it was about $75. I usually have my bills figured out a month in advance so anytime something unexpected like this comes in, it has to wait. They were very generous about the payment options, though: pay in full in ten days. Period. After about three weeks, I paid half of the bill, then three weeks later, paid the other half. Two days after I sent in the second payment, I received a letter from the hospital saying that the balance (second pymt) was "seriously past due" and that they were going to turn the bill over to a collection agency if I didn't pay immediately. Imagine my joy when I received a letter today from the hospital soliciting donations for their "charitable work". The letter said, "No one is turned away because of an inability to pay for healthcare services. So whether the need is for equipment, education or to enable a patient to receive a treatment or essential screening, donations truly do make a difference." I guess the feeling is that if you don't have money, it's all good. If you DO have coverage, pay within the alloted time or we'll fark you over with your creditors. I think that if the hospital spent LESS money on latte shops, extravagant fountains and glass elevators, they might HAVE enough money to pay for their own equipment without asking the public to loosen their already overly-tightened pocketbook strings. Unlike the hospital in question, I have to pay whatever taxes the county commissioners tell me I have to pay. I can't just make a donation to the city and say it's enough, so my 'extra' cash isn't all that 'extra'.

Friday, December 07, 2007

let the chrismtas tomfoolery begin....

Thanks for sending, Bugs!

i love it!

I found the T Mobile Shadow cop ad that I like so much!

he led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop

Yikes! I get so far behind on my blogs when I'm working. Today I checked Google Reader and I had 38 updated posts to read! Then I get behind on responding to comments and commenting...dang. It's a snowball effect...and I'm underneath it:)

This was really wonderful. A reporter from Red Bluff Daily Online contacted me and asked me some questions about my Hott Cops blog because I had posted several of their hottie officers. Damn, they have a TON of them! The reporter wrote a really nice article, and then two of the tv stations got involved. The Kiwanis Club "fined" the Chief for every cop that appeared on the blog and $450 was raised for scholarships. Good for them for taking it in the spirit in which it was intended and for turning it into something good for others. There's a price to pay for being hott! Apparently, it's $50 a pop. I love the way the Kiwanis Club doesn't miss a beat...or an opportunity.

Wow. You can tell Gary Collins is not a PYT. (pretty young thing) He got four DAYS in jail...not 45 minutes like Lohan.

Question for you dog owners: when you start singing "Where Oh, Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" and your dog starts howling at the top of her lungs, that means she likes it, right? She likes it so much she's singing along, right? Or does it mean, "I prefer a little Hip Hop, please"?

I've had Direct TV for about a year now and I keep forgetting that we have Satellite Radio channels. It seems so stupid listening to the radio through the TV because all you see is a blank screen. The other day I noticed they had a holiday music station and I like to listen to Christmas songs when I'm messing around on the computer. I couldn't remember the station number so I punched in one and up came OPRAH'S station. UGH. As if Oprah on TV isn't bad enough. Why does her and "her friends" have to clutter up my airwaves? Anyway, Marianne Williamson was on. Have you noticed how all of these "spiritual" people talk really quiet and calmly and slowly? if.....we're....complete....idiots. Idiots filled with The Spirit, but idiots just the same.

BTW, now every time I hear Frank Sinatra singing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," I immediately think "Polar Express".

Thursday, December 06, 2007

it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Yuck. One super cold day and my nose is so dry I can barely breathe. Damn gas heat!! And damn forced air heat!!!
(And don't even think about telling me that little helpful hint you're dying to tell me right now, people. Putting water by the registers does NOT work!! And I've got the sore nose to prove it.)
As soon as I get home tonight, I'm using that Neti pot. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mr. G called from work this morning to tell me he feels feverish and achy all over.
So again, I pray, "Lord, if I must get sick, please let it be on my days off."
I have to work all weekend. I can't afferd to get sick. Thankfully, Mr. G is off Sunday so he can stay in bed if necessary.
"Oh and, P.S., Lord. Last time I got the flu, Mr. G did NOT, so I'm due to stay healthy this time around. Thanks!"
I tossed and turned till about 2 a.m. last night because I could hear Mr. G tossing and turning.
His stomach was bothering him all night and he thought it was something he ate.
He said, "I bought two cheeseburgers for supper when I was in town, and I think
they're what's making me sick. I don't think they were cooked enough. I feel awful."
Now here's the way my mind works, I immediately said, "HEY! You bought two cheeseburgers and you didn't buy me any?!"

I was watching the TV Guide Channel --one thing I LOVE about satellite tv is that you don't have to suffer through this stupid channel to see what's on. It only shows you an hour and a half at a time and it scrolls so slow --and they were showing Celebrity Fit Club 3. I don't know whether the shows they have on the guide channel are new or what, but how pathetic that your show runs on THAT channel? Anyway, one of the weight loss chicks was the daughter from Mo'nique's show, The Parker. Mo'nique is probably turning over in her grave since she's always spouting that "fat and proud" drivel.

I was watching Fraiser, and Niles was test driving a Segway all over the apartment. His dad asked him if he liked it, and he said, "Walking is but a distant memory." LOL!

Boss #1 told me that Overtime Hawg called her Monday and asked for Friday off so
she could go to her (still living at this point) niece's funeral. Boss #1 refused to work for her because her husband is in the hospital with pneumonia. Boss #1 said, "Why don't you visit your niece Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday when you're off?"
And Overtime Hawg actually said, "I don't want to see her now. I want to see her when she's dead."
Yes, because it will mean so much more to her niece when she's dead
and doesn't know/care who shows up at her funeral. Unbelievable.
Ok, top that one, Bruno!

walkin' in a winter wonderland

A "drunken, stupid thing" or an orgy? You be the judge.

For the last couple of days, I've been thinking about doing a 7 day computer fast. I was laying in bed last night thinking about it. I bought my laptop to work on my writing and I'm so focused on coming up with stuff for my blog that I've hardly written a thing. Now when I try to come up with ideas for my novel, I'm drawing a blank, whereas I used to have tons of ideas. Too many, in fact. So last night I was thinking, "I really should stop logging on cold turkey for seven days." Then I thought, "Hmm, a week is a long time, maybe I should start with five days or even three? Wait! I'll start with one day, then add on from there." Funny how the mind works. I haven't even started and I'm talking myself out of it. I was talking to my husband about it, and he said, "How did you fill your day before you got the computer?" I said, "I think I used to read a lot of those rectangle things with pages and words." He said, "You mean 'books'?" Yeah, those.

A Lehigh Valley (PA) triple A baseball team mascot was nicknamed "Porkchop" because well, he's a pig. Immediately Puerto Ricans bellyached because apparently "pork chop" used to be a racial slur years ago. I'm telling ya, cock-a-doodle-do, people----banned in all states!! Mark my words.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

a snowball's chance in hell

<--Check out these HIDEOUS shoes from that Christmas movie I was telling you about. (I know I'm obsessing, but the woman is DYING, for Pete's sake! That's no excuse for ugly!) If I was dying and one of my offspring brought me these shoes, I'd say, "Honey, I may be dying, but I haven't lost my fashion sense!"

<--Now THESE are a great pair of Christmas shoes!

I wasted a huge portion of the morning playing this. My best score was only 2050 on Level 3. That damn Santa has screwed me over for the last time! HE'S GOING DOWN!!

Tampax is grossing me out with their new slogan "Use your period for good." They talk about how girls in Africa can't attend school when they have their periods because they have no pads. You know damn well Tampax can send these women their product and use it as a charitable tax write-off, and yet they're trying to guilt us into buying their product with this ad campaign. Sorry, Tampax. For years now, I've been using my period for evil and I intend to keep on doing just that.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

we'll frolic and play the Eskimo way

I was listening to Bush's news conference this morning. He pisses me off the way he uses the soldiers and patriotism
as a way of forcing Congress to give him his way on spending. He keeps saying "fund the troops" and yet he has no
problem cutting their health care benefits or ignoring the health problems of vets.
Then he has the balls to talk about "irresponsible spending" by the Congress.
Nobody knows more about "irresponsible spending" than Bush.

Yikes, what weather. Yesterday my usual 15 minute drive home took me almost an hour. Since it's the first bad snow of the season, we have three types of drivers on the road. First up is your 2 mile an hour driver. They act like they're grand marshall of the winter parade, causing the rest of us to be unwilling participants in said parade. Then you have the ASSHOLE who doesn't realize we have any snow and ice, and therefore drives like it's a 70 degree summer day. They pull out in front of you at the last minute and stop short. Then there's the third kind of driver--people like me--who are sitting in their cars thinking, "Good freaking GRIEF, people, buy some decent tires, will you?! I'd like to get home before bedtime." Thank GOD my husband always has the foresight to get studded tires on our cars. It makes such a huge difference having four studded tires.
Our neighbor's winter tires were bald last year and she's STILL driving on them. She couldn't get two feet out of the driveway yesterday until my husband went out and spread some ashes on the road. He said, "Why don't they buy new tires? They take the kids out to eat five nights a week, and yet they don't invest in a good set of tires." I said, "They don't have to. They have neighbors who rush out and help every time they get stuck....which is why they can afford to eat out all the time and we can't! You spent all our dining out money on tires!" I love busting his chops.

While I was at work on Sunday, the offspring took the dog to have her picture taken with Santa. When they told me, I went ballistic on Mr. G's butt. I'm like, 'Why did you let them take that dog in public?! Among people?!"
He swore he thought they were taking her to Petco for bones. Oh, she got a bone alright. In our defense, may I just say that FOUR fingers on one hand is redundant anyway. You can get by just as well with three. Ask Santa. He'll tell ya.

I watched "Holiday Switch" last night. It was a brand new made-for-tv Christmas movie and it was pretty doggone good.The female lead was married to a man who was out of work and they were struggling to make ends meet.
(Seems to be a familiar theme in holiday movies....and life.)
She was stressed out about Christmas when she met up with her old high school boyfriend who was now a filthy rich art gallery owner.
She immediately felt cheated, as if she had made the wrong decision.
I liked it so much because I could identify with those "the grass is always greener" thoughts. Who hasn't had them? While she was happy with her "real" husband, they had no money. With her rich husband, they had money but weren't in love, so naturally, she wanted her old life back. How come they've never
made a movie where the fantasy life is BETTER than real life? Oh, probably because that would be less of a holiday movie and more of a "I'm divorcing your underachieving, sorry ass" movie.

Kids, a word to the wise when it comes to writing your Christmas lists. Focus on one main thing that you want and only ask for that.
If you ask for a whole list of stuff, Santa will think you're greedy and more the likely, take presents away from you to teach you a lesson. If you only ask for
one thing, Santa will think, "Aww, that unselfish little child deserves more than that. I'll give her the presents I took from that greedy little snot at the last stop."

Monday, December 03, 2007

outside the snow is falling

I just saw the commercial for that goofy Christmas Shoes movie. As IF the whole song wasn't bad enough, those shoes are FREAKING HIDEOUS!! Enough to put any sick person over the edge...

You know the commercial that grabs my ass? The Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage ad where the Sun is making breakfast for his wife and kids. Not the Moon and the Stars, mind you, we're talking human family. They're rushing off to school and his wife is rushing off to work before he reminds them that he will be lighting up the entire East Coast in a few minutes. Now I'm wondering how one would even meet the Sun, let alone start dating him? And how could one have sex with the know without burning up on contact? Sometimes you just cannot suspend disbelief, no matter how hard you try.

The boss had The Today Show on while she was eating breakfast, and Ann Curry was kissing Brad Pitt's ass. He's decided to build homes in New Orleans for the hurricane victims, and the announcement was so astounding that he could only annouce it on The Today Show.
Ann says, "Brad Pitt just arrived and this is really early for him." It was seven freaking thirty in the morning. Since when is that "really early"?!

I just finished watching Kathy Griffin's new special "Straight to Hell". I love the bit about Barbara Walters at the end of the show. Kathy talked about being on The View, and the chicks were talking about menopause in the make-up room. They told Kathy her vagina was going to dry up, at which point she decided to have a little fun with Barbara, and she said, "Well, you know, Barbara, I'm not afraid of a little KY." To which Barbara replied, "I prefer AstroGlide."

Tell me if this story doesn't sound vaguely familiar. Overtime Hawg called me last night, faux crying and said, "Will you work for me on Friday or Saturday? My niece is on life support and she's dying. They're going to remove the life support on Monday and they think she'll be dead by the weekend, so I'll need Friday or Saturday off." I started to say, "How do you know she's going to die by the weekend, when it dawned on me that this is EXACTLY the same story she told me last year when she needed a weekend off because her sister-in-law was dying. And same deal, too, she called me on a Sunday to ask. What amazing physic powers she must possess. So anyway, she's doing this fake crying thing that she ALWAYS does and I said, "I can't work for you. I'm already scheduled for my own shift." Immediately her voice changes, and the crying stops. She said, "Oh, I forgot. Never mind then." Word to the wise: if you're going to fake cry to get your way, the least you could do is "stay in character" until ya hang up the phone.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

these wonderful things are the things we'll remember all through our lives

I was watching a HORRIBLY depressing holiday movie on Saturday afternoon, called "Home For The Holidays".
And like a bad accident scene, I couldn't help but stare....for two long hours.
Sean Young was the main female character and I guess Perry King was the main male character, but that's hard to gauge since he was only in about four scenes. Young was sporting this horrific hair do(n't). I'm guessing she was in her 30's when this movie was made and she had a short curly do(n't) with bangs cut straight across and shorter than mid forehead. YUCK. She looked like my Midge doll after I took the scissors to her.
Let's begin tallying the depressing moments of this "Christmas" movie, shall we? First off, Sean loses her sister and brother-in-law in a car accident and has to care for her two young nephews and her niece. She's barely hanging onto temporary custody of them through all of this because she only works part time. But she's not worried because they'll move into the kids home and she'll raise them on the life insurance policies, right? Wrong. The bank has informed her that her sister and b-i-l were piss poor money managers, in debt up to their eye balls, and now they owe more than they have. Consequently, the life insurance policies are being taken to pay off an equipment loan and the property has been swiped by that fricking, UNFAIR law known as "eminent domain". Oh, how I know ye well. If she doesn't have money to raise them, social services will take the kids! Then the small nephew is taken away for psychological evaluation. If they don't think it's working out with the family, social services will take the kids! In the meantime, the mean old child services lady comes to their temporary home and decides it's too small. She's taking the kids! Sean goes to the bank to get a loan to build on an addition. Oy. Smart thinking there when you have no savings, a part time job and three kids with no health insurance to raise. The Scrooge like banker turns her down. But nothing will stop Sean in her quest to keep that family together! She gets the brilliant idea to move the house. After all, the land might belong to the power company, but the house is hers, damn it! Now this is the part that REALLY had me rolling my eyes--as if the rest didn't--the only plans this chick makes is having the sheriff close the road and posting signs all around town. I know full well that in small towns people pitch in and help each other without any expectation of payment--because Sean told us so--but come on. Calling someone with the proper equipment might be a spiffy idea, instead of expecting him to show up like a fairy tale Prince Charming. Alas, just when Sean seems to give up hope, the entire town shows up to help and you'd think the problem was solved right? Wrong. Now that they have the house ready to go, the sheriff informs them that power lines along Sean's property will get in the way. It can't be moved onto her property. Social services is taking the kids! But wait, King's mother will let them move the house onto her land. All is well! But wait! The residence must be permanent or--say it with me, kids--"social services will take the kids". Perry says, "Let's make it permanent" despite the fact that they've seen each other onscreen, at that point, for a total of about three minutes. They're getting married and all is well, right? Wrong. When they get the house on Perry's land, there's no electricity and without electricity the house isn't livable and without a livable guessed it..."social services is taking the kids!" At this point, I'm screaming, "TAKE THE DAMN KIDS!! They're sooo not worth all these headaches!!" But alas, at the last moment, King gets the lights working and social services has no choice but to give Sean custody of the kids. Merry Christmas!!!

I was reading Dear Jeanne aka Dear Abby in Sunday's paper and this guy wrote, "I keep reading that having sex regularly will improve your health and extend your life. However, my wife of 34 years has lost all interest in sex and keeps pushing me away. What should I do?" Check out this brilliant response from Jeanne: "I, too, have read that engaging in sex regularly can improve one's health and extend one's life." Way to totally avoid answering the question, Jeannie. I didn't hear the words "get her to a doctor" or "greasing your rod in private" once.

We have totally lost our minds. A company that hires Santas to work in malls has advised them not to use the word "ho," as in "ho, ho, ho" because it might be demeaning to women.They want them to now say, "ha, ha, ha, Merry Christmas". I think we should farmers should stop using the phrase "hoe down" because that's offensive to women. I think we should also ban all roosters who use the phrase "cock-a-doodle do" because some men might find that offensive.