Saturday, October 13, 2007

everybody's working for the weekend

Last night at work I received this urgent call, "MOM! I don't want to upset you, but your solar pumpkin is missing! We went out on the porch to kidna--I mean, make sure it was OK, and it's GONE!"
Me: "No kidding. I brought it to work with me."
Male Offspring #3: "Mom, you're pathetic!"
Me: "Pathetic, indeed. BUT STILL IN POSSESSION OF MY BELOVED PUMPKIN!!! BTW, you "don't want to upset me"? Puhleeze, you clowns LIVE to upset me."

Funniest moment of last night's season premiere of "Men in Trees" was when John Amos began to sing "Close to You" incredibly off key.

I think God did a fantastic job creating our bodies, but I have a teensy weensy suggestion for when we destroy ourselves through stupidity, and He decides to create another race of hopefully, more intelligent folks. You know how a car has one of those "check engine" lights when there's a problem? We need one of those on our foreheads. Here's why: say you go to the health food store and you're dying for something chocolate with NO sugar. Brownies, for instance. The clerk says to you, "I have these brownies and they're sweetened with erythritol," and you immediately say, "WHOA! That stuff's not like Malitol, is it?" And she says, "No, it doesn't have the laxative effect that malitol has." So you buy some and you eat say...oh, I don't know...about TEN of them in one day. Round about 11:30 at night you suddenly realize you have enough gas to light up a small city the size of......TOKYO. IF we had "check engine" lights, we would know long before we gnoshed on that tenth brownie that big trouble was a brewin', and we wouldn't have to spend a miserable night tossing, turning and tooting. My gf thought the "check engine" light was a good idea so that she knows when her period is coming. I don't have to worry about that, my husband lets me know. Course according to him, it's coming just about every week.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I need one for my period, too. I haven't had one is a long time so it's hard to plan anything at this point. Joe keeps asking me if I want to go out for burgers and onion rings since that's what I crave when I PMS, but so far nada. Not one craving for anything yet I'm all bloated and cranky. I still get PMS even when I don't have a period. Cruel, no? I hate Mother Nature. She's an evil bitch!

Stacey

*Goddess* said...

I guess I'm doing ok then, cuz I think you're a good 10 or 15 years younger than I am. (If not more) My big P's are still coming every 28 days. Course I feel the bloating WAY more and some days my boobs feel HUGE and I can't wait for that to pass. I've also noticed that I get really tired the two or three days before, and I don't know if that's new or if I've never noticed before.

H2o said...

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that any more....

Anonymous said...

I know I look fabulous for my age, but I'm positive you and I are only ten years apart. I'll be 39 in January. (I know this because I asked Joe today how old I'm going to be on my next birthday. :-))

Stacey

*Goddess* said...

Ok well, I won't be 49 till next MAY, so less than 10 years:)
There I was, generously willing to give ya five extra years...

*Goddess* said...

I feel old enough as it is, Becky. I think when I stop with the periods, I'll REALLY feel old.

BRUNO said...

Boy, did I stop by at the WRONG time!!!

My ol'lady gave up on the "idiot-lights" a good while back! Now she sports a FULL set of chromed, backlit GUAGES!!!

Just top-off the fluids, at least once a month, keep 'em full, and you'll be A-OK! Just watch for telltale leaks where you let her set...!!!!!

The Future Was Yesterday said...

Bruno: We got timing, or what?:)

That check engine light: Did that used to be called "common sense?" Judging by the debris being thrown at me....obviously not!:) Sorry!

BBC said...

"I think God did a fantastic job creating our bodies,"

Really? Then why did this 'God' have to do it through evolution?

And this 'God' damn sure didn't do such a good job with our brains.

Fuck God, he is a frigging idiot, where is Goddess?

*Goddess* said...

Future, you canNOT use the words "common sense" and "chocolate" in the same sentence.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh, I so need one of those. My periods are as regular as clockwork, yet I'm always totally gobsmacked and devastated when they come. "No, this can not be happening, how did that spring round so fast??"

I live a life of denial. Works for me.