Friday, October 26, 2007

Rules for 2007

Bugs sends these "Rules for 2007". I love #11. Thanks!

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2
: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?


New Rule #3
: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4
: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water .

New Rule #5
: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6
: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7
: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8
: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9
: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #10
: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two


New Rule #11
: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule #12
: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months ( e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13
: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

11 comments:

SpongyBones said...

Does this mean that since the baby boomers won't figure out how to open their meds that SS will still be around when I'm an old man?

*Goddess* said...

No, I'm confident the politicians will find a way to destroy the SS system.

BBC said...

"Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual."

They aren't spiritual, they are just high.

SS will be around for as long as I need it, screw the rest of you. LOL

The Future Was Yesterday said...

"There's no such thing as flavored water."
The first time I ever saw that stuff was at a small mom and pop around the corner we use for emergencies. I told the owner, "Hey, that flavored water back there is a pretty good joke!" He wasn't able to convince me it was for real. It wasn't until we were at some majors that also had it, that I realized the world really was full of fucking idiots!

*Goddess* said...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, Billy. I'm sensing an "all for me" attitude...which wouldn't be bad if I was collecting, too.

*Goddess* said...

And don't forget, Future, the "flavored water" is "carbonated", too! Soooo not like soda.

ash33 said...

I don't understand some of those flavored waters either. I mean people drink "waters" that have about the same amount of sugar in it as a soda-- what's the point of that?? Vitamin Water especially-- people walk around drinking that stuff thinking they are being extremely healthy, but what they don't realize is that it had 125 calories and 33 grams of sugar in it. I'll drink regular water, thank you.

*Goddess* said...

One of my co-workers keeps going on and on about how great Propel is and it's loaded with sugar!

ash33 said...

Haha.. really?? Well sometimes they trick you with clever marketing ploys. I mean people drink Vitamin Water because they assume those extra vitamins are going to make them healthier, when in reality there are no studies that prove added vitamins (from enhanced beverages) offer any health benefits! Plus $1.50, for sugar water... I think I'll take a multivitamin.

*Goddess* said...

Yeah, the consider one bottle of Propel to be THREE servings, which is bullshit since it's only an 8 oz bottle. The second ingredient is sucrose syrup, so you KNOW it's gonna taste good, but be lousy for ya. But I will admit, sometimes I just get SICK of water. At least the WalMart flavored water is sugar free....if you're willing to risk the side effects of the artificial sweetener.

ash33 said...

Yeah, I know how you feel, I can get sick of regular water too. Sometimes I squeeze some lemon in it to give it some flavor, and that helps a lot. But, if I'm going to drink something with sugar in it I'd rather splurge on a soda over Vitamin Water or Propel.