Wednesday, October 31, 2007

she's got tons of dna but all they see is t & a

Mr. G to me this afternoon asking me if I wanted to have sex, "Come on, Honey, I'll fuck the crabbiness right out of you." Who could resist such a romantic request? Besides, I was more than happy to let him give it his best shot.

estrogen and YOU!

Thanks for sending, Di!
I love # 6


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

i'm a fool to do your dirty work

What goes "clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, crash?" Clunk is the sound a can of crushed tomatoes makes when it hits the side of a trailer, and crash is the sound it makes when you're stupid and have incredibly bad aim. But not to worry, I punished the little juvenile delinquent involved, and I'm pretty sure Male Offspring #6 will think twice before tossing a can of tomatoes through my window again.
I said, "You do realize you're destroying your own home, right?"

Male Offspring #6: "Yeah, but everybody else was doing it, and I didn't want to be left out."
Me: "Yeah, but everybody else hit the siding. If everybody else was jumping off a bridge, would you do it, too?"

Male Offspring #6: "Everybody's jumping off a bridge?! COOL! What bridge? Can I take your camera? Maybe I can get a couple good pics on the way down."

All in all, Halloween went fairly well. I had a few comments about my "treats" consisting of a can of crushed tomatoes and a mini Bible. One high school kid was peeved that I gave them the "gift of reading". I said, "I didn't give you the 'gift of reading'. I gave you the 'gift of annoying others'. Memorize those Bible quotes and you, too, can piss off all your friends by quoting Jesus every chance you get." One chubby kid wanted to know if I was handing out can openers as well as tomatoes because he was running low on "stamina". Uh huh. If you have to eat your treats before you get home, you might have a bit of an addiction problem. And no, I don't buy the "low blood sugar" b.s.
I only had one run-in with the cops this year. They said I tried to run a kid down with my Hoveround. Au contraire. I didn't "try" to run him down. 'Nuff said.

BTW, when it comes to costumes, these kids are getting lazier and lazier every year. Now they're wearing sweatshirts with pics of cartoon characters or rap artists and calling it a "costume".

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

yesterday is right behind me like a loaded gun

"One leg is Easter, one leg is Christmas, you come visit me between the holidays." MADtv.

This country is going to Hell in a brightly colored hand basket faster than I thought. I was reading an article the other day about parents who take their kids "Trunk or Treating". A group of "safe" parents gather treats for the kids and put them in the trunk of their cars, then they all meet in a parking lot, pull their cars into a circle and the kids go from trunk to trunk, "trunk or treating". Ugh.
Doesn't even SOUND fun. How long before some parent is suing because their kid inhaled gas fumes while "Trunk or Treating"? Don't be skeptical. This is the United States. We sue for the slightest thing in this country.
It's our God given right.....minus the "God" part, of course. My husband said, "Trunk or treating sounds about as much fun as watching your parents play with sparklers so you don't get burned." LOL! Flashback to his boring, but SAFE childhood.

I let Holly smell Furkey Joe Turkey (yes, I NAMED him!) and she lifted his tail feathers with her nose and tried to smell his ass...LOL!

Well, tonight is trick or treat night in da 'court and I have my mini Bibles and cans of crushed tomatoes all ready to go. Wish me luck! I feel confident the kids are going to love this "treat" so much better than the mini Snicker bars.

We have lost our minds in this country. I cannot believe an officer lost his job because he distributed THIS. Officer Roby Morris distributed it at roll call. A nine year veteran of the police force, and he loses his job over something so ridiculous as this. How in the world can this be considered insulting when people DO talk like this?!

One last post on the bitch from hell

and then I'm not giving her any more of my energy.

Last night the S-I-L calls and says, "You're not going to believe what happened. My microwave just blew up." You're right, bitch. I don't believe a freaking word of it.

I said to my husband, "Now she's taking the microwave. I can't believe she hasn't taken that big freezer in the basement."

He said, "Uh....I had to give her that to get the new bed." UnFUCKINGbelievable. He tells her that it's unfair that she's getting so much more than we are and she takes SOMETHING ELSE!

When I had her on the phone, I said, "Where's all the pictures? I only have one picture of Mr. G as a little boy, and I'd like some pictures."

She said, "Oh yeah, I have those. My brother and I will have to go through them." Translation: I've already gone through them. You can have the crap that's left.

I said, "Where are all your mother's Christmas decorations?" She told me she didn't have any, and I said, "No Christmas decorations, no towels, no sheets and no blankets. I hope my house is as easy to clean out as hers is." Then she kept going on and on about how her parents "just didn't have anything." She said, "My house would take forever to clean out because the basement is packed from one end to the other." Yeah, and 99% of it probably belonged to her parents.

Before I went to bed last night, I called Female Offspring #1 and said, "When your dad and I die, if Aunt Bitch is still alive and you don't want to be bothered cleaning out "family spread," call her and tell her you know there's money hidden somewhere and if she finds it, she can have it. That way the place will get cleaned out within a week."

Monday, October 29, 2007

they sodomize turkeys, don't they?

There are days I wonder what goes on when I'm at work. Then I come home and find Furkey Joe and Santa doing the nasty
<--in the middle of my living room floor,
and I think I don't really WANT to know what goes on when I'm at work.

Through it all, Furkey Joe is still hanging on to that musket. Go figger.

<---Chicka bow, chicka bow, chicka bow wow

And they say Santa only cums once a year...

we are family....puhleeze

I am so damn frustrated at what a greedy bitch my sister in law has turned out to be. She went through my M-I-L's house and took absolutely EVERYTHING decent she could take. When it came to dividing up furniture, my M-I-L didn't have a lot, but she had a new bed, new living room suit and new tv. My S-I-L took the living room suit and the bed, and left us the tv. Anything else I asked about like end tables and wall decorations, she'd say, "oh, those are mine. I loaned them to Mom."

I was FUMING, and here's why. When we first got married, my husband and I inherited about $6k in debt from HIS PARENTS. He agreed to help them update their house by taking out a loan to put on new siding and new windows, and buy them appliances they badly needed. (This was a few months before we met.) In return, they told him the house would be HIS ALONE when they died, because he was the one that always helped them when they needed it. He would have helped them anyway, but they lied to him time and time again about this to get what they wanted out of him.

His dad got pissed off at my husband over something stupid, as was so often the case, and being one of those controlling JERKS who tried to hold their kids hostage to their "inheritance", he threatened to take my husband out of the will. My husband told him to do whatever the hell he wanted. Instead of taking my husband out, he put my sister in law in. Then when he cooled down, he wanted to take her out but my M-I-L refused to sign. So I guess we have her to blame for this fucking mess.

My M-I-L hasn't been able to get upstairs for at least two or three years and yet when we went through the attic, there wasn't a cobweb to be found. Small cubby holes behind closets were all cleaned out nice and neat. Almost 60 years of marriage and I've never seen a house so empty in my life.

My F-I-L had an old coin collection--some coins from the 1800's--that he kept in a black suitcase. All four of the people in that family knew it and knew it was in the suitcase. Now there isn't a black suitcase to be found, and when my husband asked his sister her response was the same shit we've BEEN hearing, "I never saw it." When they were visiting with his mother yesterday, he asked right in front of his sister, "Mom, where's Dad's coin collection?" And she said, "In the attic in the black suitcase." Yet her sister knew nothing. She has a good job at the prison, pulls in at least $50 or 60k a year. It's just her and her husband at home now. They put in a new house about five years ago--despite the fact that they're both in their 60's--and yet she's grabbing everything in sight like she's po'.

When they decided to sell the house, my husband told my S-I-L that everything would be put in a CD with their name on it in "and" not "or"--because he doesn't trust her--and it would be used for their mother's care. She agreed, then turned right around and said, "Once we sell the house, I need $1k to pay my taxes. How about I take it out of Mom's money?" My husband was pissed and gave her an emphatic "That is NOT OUR MONEY."

What really infuriates me is that after all this, my S-I-L sat at the table the other day and said to my husband, "We'll share everything. You get a can of kidney beans and I'll get a can of kidney beans." I thought, "Yeah, but after you've stolen several cases for yourself first."

I told my husband yesterday that we are getting that new bed. We are NOT walking out of there with garbage while she takes everything. So when he told her that he felt she was getting way more than we were, she hesitated and said, "I don't want to fight over stuff." Easy to say when you have ALL the stuff. Long story short the bed is ours.

There's one thing my F-I-L always said about my S-I-L, "She can't be trusted." Too bad he left us pay the price for it.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

i have a solution to my carpool lane problems!

No more will I have to drag Little Male Offspring #8 to work with me simply so I can use the carpool lane!

<--I'm going to strap my life-sized turkey buddy in the passenger seat beside me. There's only one thing that concerns me: he's carrying a musket that may or may not be loaded. And I don't even know if he has a permit to carry that damn thing.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

i stutter like a broken clutch when you touch me too much

I came home from work this morning and Holly and I took a nice walk in the breezy Fall weather. The leaves were blowing all around and it was only slightly chilly. There wasn't a soul around, and we thoroughly enjoyed it.

I was going to buy some new bath sheets and I asked Mr. G to go to his mother's and see if she had any before I bought them. They're going to sell her house and everything has to be divided anyway. He came home with TWO TOWELS.
50 years+ of marriage and there's two towels, no blankets and not a sheet set in the house. In other words, his greedy ass sister has already cleaned everything out.

Guess what bill arrived early the way it should after I threatened their asses with
the postal inspectors and the BBB? Direct TV. Funny how that stuff works, huh?

Joy Behar made an incredibly stupid statement the other day. They were talking about the wild fires in
California and she said something along the lines of, "Bush took so long to respond to Katrina. Yet he's moving so quickly in California. Why is that?" DUH. Because if he doesn't, he proves that he hasn't learned a damn thing from Katrina.

The Republicans scare me when most of their debate responses consist of berating Hilary Clinton for things she's done. Or hasn't done.
Why not focus on what they plan to do?

I was watching a show on Court TV last night, and a cop stopped an obviously drunk man. He was trying to get him to perform the DUI test where he has to follow the penlight with his eyes only. The guy kept moving his head and the cop was getting rather testy.
Finally the guy said, "There's a reason I can't do this test. I have a glass eye."
The cop said, "Which one is the glass eye?"
And the drunk said, "Both of them are glass."
The cop said, "They can't BOTH be glass!" LOL!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Rules for 2007

Bugs sends these "Rules for 2007". I love #11. Thanks!

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2
: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3
: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4
: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water .

New Rule #5
: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6
: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7
: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8
: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9
: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #10
: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two

New Rule #11
: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12
: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months ( e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13
: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

i now pronouce you ghoulish

Future sent me this story. Thanks!

Awww, here's are a couple pics of some of their guests...
Whoa. That chick in the lower pic has got it going on.
Thanks for the pics, Kari!

a blanket of colors

<--Last week my leaves were a yucky brown. Now my yard is a sea of red, yellow and orange. I love Fall!

crack the safe

How can anybody be so hateful in the name of God?
My best to Albert Snyder and his family in dealing with this matter.

Some of these laws are absolutely crazy.

Well, this was interesting. On Thursday, I was locked IN my car. I had to crawl over to the driver's side and get out that way. That was probably the one time in my life that I regretted buying a small car. I had a hard time getting my leg over the gear shift, but when I stepped out into the parking lot, I screamed, "TA DA!" ala Houdini. No wonder people look at me weird.
I locked the driver's side door after I got in--something I rarely do--and when I tried to get out at the store, the lock wouldn't pull up.
I tried working the release while pulling up on the lock, but that did nothing.
After I crawled out, I opened the backseat door and tried to work the lock from the inside as well as the outside with the key and that didn't work either.
I was afraid of breaking the lock, when all of a sudden the damn thing just opened. I came home and decided I should try spraying the lock with WD-40 and I opened the door, pushed the lock down, and didn't the doggone door get away
from me and partially lock. GUH! I had to work to open it again. Then I tried the WD-40. It seemed ok, but I'll find out tomorrow night when I go to work.
I don't want to have to worry about this because they've been breaking into cars lately and I always keep mine locked. Even in my own driveway, a fact that makes Mr. G nuts.

On the Today Show Thursday morning, they were discussing an upcoming interview with Kate McCann, the mother of little Madeline, who was kidnapped in Portugal. The reporter was saying that Kate had been criticized for her lack of emotion in public. Then the reporter practically gushed with glee that this interview was one in which Kate cried and showed the emotion that had been previously lacking. That's pathetic. They were told NOT to show emotion in case the kidnappers were watching and getting off on their pain. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

9 out of 10 dentists prefer this post

Ok, I officially HATE the music they play during UFC Fight Night. It's downright creepy. It sounds like they're expecting a showdown between Jesus and Satan.
AND I hate those stupid "Fuel for Life by Diesel" commercials. They're stupid. First it shows the guy with the open shirt fake running and being fake out of breath. Then it shows the guy with the open shirt standing in the rain, like an ass. And not a freaking hair on his chest. Why, oh why do they think perfume/aftershave commercials have to be "artsy"? It rarely works.

Oral Roberts has said "the Devil is not going to steal ORU"! Yes, because it's one thing for his son to possibly steal from the church donations, quite another for the Devil to steal his school!!

My boss was listening to The Waltons the other day, and I was in the next room listening because I was super bored. Ep, the sheriff, was up for re-election and some smooth talking younger guy was trying to oust him from his position.
He said to John Walton, "I've spent 20 years of my life fight crime here. Chasing crooks, birthing babies, rescuing people from fires."
Chasing crooks? It's friggin' Walton Mountain. How many crooks would they see on Walton Mountain in 20 years? I'm guessing two or three, at best.
Yeah, he's so worried about losing his job that a few scenes later it shows him outside the front of the sheriff's office with his feet propped
up and his hat pulled down, sleeping in broad daylight, aka "chasing crooks", no doubt.

The offspring were pissed that I refused to take them to the Halloween parade Tuesday night. I gently explained that I put in a 10 hour day and I was exhausted. I illustrated my point by screaming, "I'M TOO DAMN TIRED TO GO TO THAT STUPID PARADE!!"

Last night when I came home
from work, I found a jar of
<--this on my dresser.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

so tired of waiting for you

There's a dentist in a neighboring community who is offering kids $ in exchange for their Halloween candy. He says he's trying to save their teeth,
but I'm confused. Isn't that what the miraculous fluoride toothpaste is for? Ar, ar.
Just tossed that in for Mike South, pornographer & fluoride lover.
Anywho, the denist is going to send the candy to the troops. Oh, I see. Save our kids' teeth, but rot our soldiers' teeth.
Niiiice going. Am I the only one who sees a problem here?
Pissed off soldiers + high powered assault rifles + sugar overload=DISASTER!!!
What made me laugh is that he's ONLY giving the kids a DOLLAR for a POUND of CANDY.
Is that not insane? If you went to the candy store, for say, yummy peanut butter cups, you'd pay $12.95 - $16.95 a pound.
One freaking buck is just not enough incentive to toss away all that good candy. Even a bag of Snickers bars is three something, depending on where you buy them.
I'd be more than willing to sell the crappy unwrapped candy corn and Jolly Ranchers.

Speaking of Haller-ween, did you know it was a crime to smashing pumpkins is a crime? I know what you're
thinking: "But Goddess, I thought Smashing Pumpkins was a rock group." It was. Now shut up and focus. Police in
some states are having problems with people smashing pumpkins--NOT the rock group--and are letting people
know that even if you smash it on the ground, it's a crime because it was paid for by someone else. Kids in
some states are chucking the pumpkins, damaging property. I'm guessing a big ole pumpkin could do
a lot of damage. This is exactly why I refuse to set real pumpkins outside my trailer. Hell, the solar pumpkins
can't even survive the night. I don't want to think about what the front of my trailer would look like if I left real pumpkins outside.
They might be "squashed" all over it. Get it? Pumpkins? Squash? Ar ar arrrrr.

Who deemed "Kid Nation" the "best reality show of al time"? Besides CBS, I mean.

My sister called yesterday and said she left me a few winter tops at Mom's. I stopped to pick them up
yesterday and I asked where she bought them, and Mom said, "WalMart." Sigh.
Remember the short sleeved WalMart top fiasco? The sleeves barely cover my shoulder, let alone my upper arm.
But these are long sleeved, so how bad can they be? The tops fit great, but--no kidding here--the sleeves go all the way down to my knuckles!
I called my sister and asked her why she didn't want them and she said the sleeves were "screwed up".
She's about three and a half inches shorter than I am, so I can only imagine how the tops looked on her.

I caught a little of The View for the first time since Whoopi came on. I have to say she dresses incredibly CRAPPY for national television.
It's interesting that both Rosie and Whoopi took over the panel without hesitation. You'd think they'd let Joy and Elizabeth take the lead since they're new.
Sherri Whatsherface seems terrified to even offer her opinion.

One thing I forgot to mention about The Price is Right yesterday. I noticed this started towards
the end of Bob's tenure, but they need to STOP all these "shout outs".
You could tell Bob had little patience for them, and I think they're annoying.
Like your 95 year old grandma in Topeka even knows what a "shout out" is.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

act of contrition

Have you heard the great news? Some police departments are giving CITIZENS radar guns so they can spot
speeders and turn them into the PD. They, in turn, will send out a letter of warning, depending on how
fast the drivers were going. People sit on their front lawns and record the speed of passing motorists.
Some PD's require the snitches to be in a vehicle.
Oh, gawd, I have GOT to be the first one in the trailer court to get one of these.
I'd turn in everyone of my neighbors, given the chance........and complete anonymity.
I'm guessing Mom and Dad will also want to sign up for the program. Next time I visit, she can not only tell
me who the "drug dealers" are in her neighborhood--and who they're sexing up--she can also point out the speeders. After the "solar pumpkin toilet incident of '07," I sat the offspring down and explained to them how it hurts my feelings when they hide my solar pumpkin.
So, of course, I haven't seen hide nor hair of it for DAYS.

I actually bought a movie on DVD. And it wasn't a Billy Blanks workout. You know how rare that is for me?
I think I own about three non-pornographic movies to date, and coinkadinkly
they're all Christmas movies: Prancer, A Season for Miracles, and now The Polar Express.
I watched TPE this afternoon. I think this is my fourth time watching it.
I would LOVE to see this movie on a widescreen. When they went through
Glacier Gulch my stomach dropped like I was riding a roller coaster ride. The computerized effects are just great.
My favorite part is where the jingle bell falls off the reindeer's sleigh, and rolls to the boy's feet.
The music slows down and he says, "I believe! I believe!" I also love the hot chocolate dance scene.
Most memorable line from the movie, IMHO is "One thing about trains: it doesn't matter where they're going, what matters is deciding to get on."

I was watching a soap the other day in which the egg of one woman was implanted and carried to term in another.
These two women hate each other and they're both after the father of the baby, even though one of them is
married to him already. These two women confronted each other and the one who carried the baby went ballistic,
screaming and crying and in the middle of all these hysterics, her clueless husband pats her on the back and says, "It'll be ok." Oy vey.
The Young and The Restless kept hyping their big Clear Springs explosion story, but I think it was more like a big dud.
They showed them pulling people from the building and there were the spectators standing in front of the cops, who were just standing there jawing.
Yeah, you see that at every accident scene.
Peter Bergman was supposedly buried beneath the rubble of the casino garage and yet he maintained his perfectly white
dress shirt the entire time during the first day, despite the fact that his face was covered in soot and ash and they were digging their way out.
The second day they dirtied him up appropriately. Funny thing, though, hardly anyone was coughing, despite the fact that there was so much dust from the collapse.

The folks at The Price is Right need to give Drew Carey a suit with pockets. I noticed on the show
the other day that he is constantly fingering the top of his jacket pocket.
They either need to let him dress more casually--and really why does a game show host need to be wearing
a suit?--or give him pockets. The guy's probably nervous--understandably so--and they need to give him
something to do with that hand until he gets used to the crowd.

Monday, October 22, 2007

sooner or later love is gonna get ya

One of our neighbors is selling their house, and they have the usual "For Sale" sign in their yard, along with their phone number. They wrote across the top--I kid you not--"police will be notified if sign is stolen," as if there's
been a huge rise in the theft of "for sale" signs with someone else's phone number already written on them. In my mind, writing something like this on the sign is pretty much just begging the teens in the area to steal it.
Hell, I wanted to steal it after I read their little threat.
The other day we were walking the dog around 4 in the afternoon and the police cruiser came by. I remarked to Mr. G
that it's nice that we have police presence in the middle of the day for such a small community.
He said, "Maybe he's driving around to make sure none of those "For Sale" signs have been stolen?"

Some people are strange. I was visiting one of my favorite forums this past week and someone I didn't
know posted a few comments to me. I answered, and as per my usual routine, I checked out their profile.
First of all, I like to know if I'm talking to a male or a female because sometimes you can't tell from their sn.
Secondly, I like to check their age because I'd rather not spend my time posting to 13 y.o. boys.
While I was checking for those two pieces of info, I scanned down the page quickly and noticed this person liked a tv show that I liked, so when I answered them,
I also posted, "BTW, I see you like BlahBlah. What are some of your favorite eps?"
So this person answers me and, in another thread, at the same time, makes some
snarky comment to a different poster about how they're going to make all the information in their profile
private because they were annoyed people were reading it.
Excuse me, but why the *F* would you take the time to fill out a five
section PUBLIC profile--complete with a million of your "favorite" quotes--and then be insulted when someone reads it?

I went to bed last night before Mr. G and there was one strip of gluten free brownies left. I kept thinking I should have
wrapped them up to take to work the next morning, but I was too lazy to get out of bed. I got up this morning and
thought, "No way are they still going to be in the kitchen. Mr. G probably ate them for breakfast." THEN I rememebered
the millions of times he's told me he HATES to eat chocolate for breakfast. I ran to the kitchen and sho' nuff, they were still there.
Bless you, honey, for being a morning chocolate hater.

I was reading a book by Debbie Macomber over the weekend. Normally I like her books, but this one didn't gel with me at all.
I dislike books where the author makes it seem as if the guy is never right and he's constantly hurting
the heroine's feelings by being a clumsy oaf. In one instance in this book, the hero tries to make small talk in the grocery
store and he tells Joy that she doesn't need diet frozen dinners because she's skinny enough. Apparently someone called her "skeleton"
in grade school and that hurt her feelings so she rushes out of the store and starts crying.. Ugh.
Try dealing with "fatty, fatty two by four, can't get your butt cheeks through the door" and then we'll talk!
Damn, why won't those memories of the fifth grade leave me alone?!

Mr. G called me at work on Sunday to tell me that one of the ladies where his mother is
staying was taken to the hospital with chest pains. I said, "It wasn't that newspaper control freak, was it?"
He said, "Yes! When I found out who it was, I asked my mother if she took her paper again and
upset her, but she swore she didn't. She said she was yelling at someone else about the paper when she started getting chest pains."
I said, "Well, on the upside we know she won't be in the hospital for very long. She'll need to get back to the house to keep an eye on her paper."
We were visiting with my M-I-L the other day and this 80 something woman came by and my M-I-L said, "She's only 59 years old." My husband said, "Mom! I'm 58. That woman is NOT one year older than I am." She said, "Maybe I didn't hear her right." LOL! Ya think?

I gotta see the new Bee Movie! I love the commercial where the family is driving in the car, and the little baby says, "Hi, bee!" and Jerry Seinfeld's bee says, "Hi!" Everyone in the car screams. LOL. I love these animated movies.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

mysterious and kooky and all together ooky

I will be the first to admit that I can easily be distracted by shiny, brightly colored objects. When I was purchasing my new digital camera, I almost scrapped the icky grey Nikon for a candy apple red Samsung. Then I thought, "Hmm, when you think cameras, do you think "Nikon" or "Samsung"? In Kodachrome, did Paul Simon sing, "I got a Samsung camera...." I don't think so, thus I guilted myself into buying the boring grey Nikon that takes great pictures. Oh woe is me.
Imagine my surprise this morning when I opened the Sunday paper and saw a
FREAKING SHOCKING PINK Nikon for the same damn price!!! WalMart, I hate thee!

One of the chicks I work with said she was going to help her mother close up
their "summer home." I said, "Where is your summer home?"
She said, "About 20 minutes west of our house." Ok, you know you're a fricking redneck if your "summer home" is in the same county as your main home.

When Parade Magazine is honoring America's Top Cops for 2007, they least they can do is include a full sized color pic of each in the paper, not a crappy postage stamp sized black and white picture. After all, they're heroes!
How can we show our awe if we can't see their bravehottnessity properly?
Thankfully, they have bigger pics of all these brave, hott officers online.
Here's the weird thing: in the paper they only have a full color picture of Officer Gilbert, Officer of the Year. In the online version of the story, they have pictures of everyone but Officer Gilbert. Geez, he's the main man. How can you not have his picture?
Congrats to 2007 Officer of the Year, Roy Gilbert of the Detroit PD.

I watched candidate Stephen Colbert's interview on Meet The Press this morning. Ugh.
It was a stiff, uncomfortable offering at best as Tim Russert tried to interview Stephen in character.

The Always commercial where they compare a woman's period to a broncing buck? Oy.
Granted, it's not pleasant, and it's disgusting when you get blood on your pants, but it's not like we're constantly being bucked during our periods. To be honest, though, I could go for a good bucking right about now....

Saturday, October 20, 2007

it's the boogie woogie sheep!

Is it wrong that I know all the words to this thing?!
I can't help it. Those sheep are damn cute.

It's Bruce Stringbean!! I bought this album for Female Offspring #1. She loved did I:)

Here's the Born To Add cover:

The songs were a hoot, too. They had "Cereal Girl" (Material Girl), "Honk Around A Clock" (Rock Around the Clock), and one of my favorites, "Barn In the U.S.A." (Born in the U.S.A.).

the grapes of wrath

Eating fruit has certainly become an "interesting" experience. First you have luscious strawberries that are now the size of your fist. Bright red and soooo delicious looking. Then you bite into them and they have absolutely no taste. Today I bought black seedless grapes as big as well, strawberries used to be. You know how the inside of grapes USED to be sort of gelatinous? Now you bite into one and they're as solid as can be. With absolutely no taste.

A new book out is saying that Charles Schultz led a "secret life" of misery. The "controversial" new book describes him as, "a shy, lonely man who used his child-like drawings to depict a life of deep melancholy." Controversial? Give me a break. I've never seen a more depressing cartoon character than Charlie Brown. Why is this a surprise to anyone?

Rap artist Nas has decided to name his latest CD "N---a" a version of the N word.
Gee, could this be a cheap ploy for attention?
If ya can't use sex to sell your CD, come up with an inflammatory title/CD cover.
Already Jesse Jackson has something to say.
Mushy, what do you think?

Friday, October 19, 2007

is this not a beautiful face?

I talked about how perfectly her picture came out in the previous post, then I forgot to include it.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

friday lowdown

I saw a Halloween article on MSN talking about how your kid could dress like Kid Rock and Britney. I didn't get a chance to read it, but here's my take on their "costumes". For Kid Rock, first thing you want
to do is stop bathing and washing your hair at least a week to a week and a half before trick or treat night. For Brit, first you strip off you underwear and shed your common sense right along with the undies....

This is one weird woman. One can only imagine what her relationship with her bf was actually like.

I must give the medical community it's due. They never miss an opportunity. You know that there's this MRSA bacterial infection that's going around and they can't seem to figure out how it's getting to the general public, since it's usually seen in hospitals. [Although on the noon news, I heard that it might have something to do with the family dog, but they didn't elaborate.] They listed several things you can do to safeguard yourself, like washing your hands and keeping wounds covered. They also suggested you get a flu shot because it "boosts your immune system." What a load of hooey. To even HINT that the flu shot might protect people against a bacterial infection is ridiculous. Next they'll be telling us to get flu shots so we don't get colds. Or maybe that's coming next.

The neighbor's daughter came down the street yesterday bawling her eyes out. My husband and I were chatting with him and I asked if she was ok. He said she was having problems with her history classes. (I think she's in 7th grade.) It made me think about how at every stage of your life, you think the problems you're facing are the biggest you'll ever face, and you wonder how you'll get through them. For instance, when I was in Catholic grade school, the nuns were INSANE about neatness. I honestly think this is where my perfection/procrastination cycle began. I would write an answer, then erase it because I felt it wasn't neat enough and they were going to yell at me. So at that stage in my life, my biggest worry was that I was going to rip my paper from too many eraserings. (Yes, it is a Then when I got to junior high, I worried about art class. I hated art class because in Catholic school, we'd have art class once every six weeks or so. And it consisted of the nun passing out a picture of a painting and then we'd discuss it. I didn't know Van Gogh from Van de Camp's. Again, at that stage of my life, that seemed HUGE to me to get through those classes. High school seems to be all about your appearance and whether you measure up. Then when you get married and start having kids, suddenly you worry about how you're going to feed them and how you'll pay for their schooling, and you WISH you had problems the size of first grade problems. But it doesn't matter, because at that point in your life, a ripped paper is as huge a deal as paying your taxes is to you right now.

I really love this Nikon camera that I bought. I don't have the problem with red eye at all. Holly was sitting next to me outside this morning, and as soon as I pulled out the camera to snap a few pics, she looked at me over her shoulder, as if to say, "Ok, my turn." I snapped the pic and it came out perfect. Her brown eyes are true to color and I never had to mess with it. I still haven't even grasped much of the features. I think I had it set for "scenery". That's the only thing I don't like. It gives me a bunch of options like portraits and scenery, but you don't have time to mess with that sort of stuff when a picture opportunity arises. Apparently I have it set where it's supposed to be.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

show off!

How good does your digestive system have to be that you can eat hanging upside down?! It's bad enough that they're stealing my bird food, now they're just showing off...

<--notice the lack of colored leaves on my trees

cuz that's what dreams are made of

Every time I see this video, I wish I knew how to fly.

I have such respect for the men who do this.

there's no more tears left here for you to see

Wow. Remember "Baby Jessica" who fell down the well? She stands to inherit $1 mill in donations now that she's turning 21. Ssssssh, don't tell anyone, but I'm going to push one of my offspring down a well. I think I'll push Male Offspring #2. He'll be 21 next year. That way we won't have to wait so long to collect the moola. Although I can't help but think there are many in da 'hood who would like to push ALL my offspring down a well.

Livin' in America? Sometimes I wonder. Remember I said that Mr. G's mother is in an intermediate care home? Meaning she can pretty much take care of herself, but she needs help bathing and dressing. She is not permitted to take any sort of vitamin, mineral OR herb without WRITTEN PERMISSION from her doctor.

Speaking of Mr. G's mother, I went too high when I said it would be two weeks before she was complaining about the people she's living with. She complained within a week. Damn. Mr. G said his mother was checking out the obits in the newspaper and some woman came up to her, ripped the paper out of her hand and said, "Don't you EVER touch my newspaper!" Some of those old people are quite feisty.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

i got one hand in my pocket and the other is giving a peace sign

Let's not be so quick to judge. Maybe she found a solar pumpkin floating in her toilet, too.

Stephen Colbert: "An apple a day keeps anyone away... if you throw it hard enough."

Oooh, I thought the neighbor going to the Dairy Queen drive through
on his lawn mower was bad enough. Guess this is where the term "hauling ass(es)" comes into play.

I decided awhile back not to talk about Overtime Hawg if possible because I felt like the more I ragged on her, the more she owned me. I wanted the situation to get better, so I felt like I needed to stop talking about it. BUT something happened the other day that filled me with such GLEE, that I had to share. She came into work on Monday morning and said, "There's something I wanted to ask you..."*frowns* "hmmm..." *acts like she can't quite remember what it was* "oh, yeah. Will you work for me on Christmas Day?" I said, "No. I intend to spend that day with my family, the same way you would if you had it off" and walked away. Lin's right! There IS power in NO. But again, what boggles my mind is that she even asks me.

I was online this morning trying to find a Neti pot.
Does anybody know the website that searches the net for the best deals?
I tried Shopzilla, but I think there are more popular ones. Or is that just for books?
I've been waking up the last few mornings with my nose so stuffed and dry I can barely breathe, and I don't know why. We haven't even turned the heat on yet. I think if I start using the Neti pot NOW that will help me with this problem, and with any possible colds come winter time.
I'll probably find out I'm allergic to those dust mites I keep hearing so much about. I know at work the problem is the neighbor's smoking. When we have the windows open, I can barely breathe in the evenings. They go out on their back porch and smoke and all that pollution comes right into our windows on that side of the building. For some reason, the other ladies don't seem to notice it, but it really bothers me.

The chick at My Blog Log said she'd "fix" my problem. Yeah, it's fixed. Now my Hott Cops blog has been totally eradicated, along with all of the folks who were listed as "friends". Now it's showing my Blonde Intuition blog instead. So I slapped the code for Blonde Intuition stats into my Hott Cops template so I can view them anyway.

a redneck senior citizen's bike?

<--for those times ya just can't pedal home fast enough.....

risque business

And here's the latest on the business with porn actress Barbie Cummings and former Tennessee State Trooper Randy Moss since you all seem to be googling that anew.

A former Tennessee state trooper accused of having sexual contact with a porn star has been indicted on 10 criminal counts.

James Randy Moss turned himself in on Tuesday morning after being indicted by the Wilson County grand jury.

The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation began investigating Moss in June after an adult film star, Barbie Cummings, posted an explicit video of the two on her Web site. Cummings' birth name is Justis Richert.

After a raid on Moss' house in June, officials said they took the hard drive from Moss' computer, cell phone and floppy disks. Before the raid, officials said they were reviewing more than 25 traffic stops involving Moss.

Though she received a speeding ticket, Moss is accused of ignoring some illegal pills in Cummings’ car in exchange for a sexual favor. Moss resigned after Cummings said she performed oral sex on him during the stop.

Cummings, 21, wrote about their encounter on her blog and said in May that the trooper sent her photos and video he shot at the stop.

Her blog said that although she acknowledged having drugs she described only as "happy pills," the trooper threw them into the brush near the highway.

"I thought it would be a good blog story. (I thought) my fans would love it and they did," she said.

But according to her, receiving a speeding ticket wasn't the interesting part of the encounter.

"He ended up throwing (the drugs) out and not giving me a ticket for it, and I offered him an oral favor as a nice gesture," said Cummings.

She said Moss went to a secluded area and claims he later asked if he could tell his friends about her Web site.

Cummings believes that is what got him in trouble.

Moss was put on administrative leave with pay after an internal complaint was made against him.

District Attorney General Tommy Thompson said in June that publicity surrounding the case prompted other women to come forth with complaints about Moss, which the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation and the FBI investigated.

The charges against Moss include official misconduct, official oppression and destruction of evidence.

About half of the charges stem from the incident involving Cummings. The other four are a from a separate incident with another female driver.

foxy business

Yet another Nicole Petallides pic for all you fans who keep coming to my website after googling her. Geez, I've never known a business news anchor to have such a following before.

Monday, October 15, 2007

monday morning you look so fine

I wish some of these online companies would hire people who comprehend the English language. I placed an order at an online store and a notice popped up that I was eligible for free shipping because it was my first order and it was over $25. However, when I went through the final checkout, it charged me $5.99 for shipping. So I emailed, explained the situation and asked them why I wasn't given the free shipping. First, they emailed me back with an automatically generated response that included a list of possible subjects I could check out on their site, like their shipping practices, blah blah. I emailed back that this didn't answer my question. Secondly, they sent me a personal response in which the chick outlined how to use their entire site. Didn't address my question in any way, shape or form. I re-sent another email, which garnered me another automatically generated response. Ugh. I hate this dumb game. I went through this same bullshit with Direct TV concerning my bill. Oddly, when I informed them that if my bill was late for the third month in a row, I was reporting them to the postal inspectors and the Better Business bureau, I received a personal phone call from them the next business day. They seemed to have no problem understanding that email.

I went to the grocery store this morning after work and was assailed by products swathed in pink. Pink soup cans, pink cereal boxes, pink you name it. I've even seen pink ribbon wind chimes! Why? Because October is Breast Cancer AWARENESS month and all these little pink labels equal BIG MONEY for the manufacturers. Let me ask you a question: how many of you are NOT "AWARE" of breast cancer? And what rock have you been living under? Personally, I won't buy these products and here's why: they tell you a "portion" of the proceeds to go breast cancer research. How much is a "portion"? Fifty cents? Five cents? A penny? I think this is just a clever marketing strategy to hook women into buying products all the while preying on their fears. Food companies have no business tying themselves to disease. What's next? "Wear black wristbands for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month"? If these companies sincerely wanted to donate to breast cancer research, wouldn't they have done so? My favorite is Yoplait who ask you to send in their inner pink foil seal lids and they donate a whole dime. Wouldn't you like the job of opening those envelopes and dealing with those lids? Yuck.
One has to ask that with all the money and reasearch supposedly going on in this country, why haven't we made ANY strides against eradicating cancer? All these years, and the best they have is chemotherapy? A treatment that kills all the healthy cells right along with the bad?
The sad truth is that there is no money in health, but there's a TON of money in sickness and disease. As evidenced by all the pink cans and boxes.

I purchased a package of Pamela's Irresistible Chocolate Brownie Mix. It's gluten free and wheat free, using no white flour. They use honey and molasses to sweeten, instead of white sugar. You'd think they'd be pretty crappy, considering all that's missing, but they're actually very good brownies. HOWEVER, the honey & molasses makes them pretty carbohydrate laden, with each brownie having 23 carbs, so if you're on a low carb diet, I don't know how much of a help that would be. The package makes a small 8x8 pan and 16 brownies, so that's a fairly large amount of carbs. I believe each brownie has about 190 calories, too.

knit one, pearl, too

While I was folding laundry Sunday, I came across little Female Offspring #8's favorite pink sweater.

It was a labor of love. Every little stitch was painstakingly knitted with care and affection. Every little white button was sewn on with devotion. But not by me. I don't have time for that sentimental crap. This sweater was "handmade" with love by some 10 year old kid sweating it out in a Chinese factory with no windows.
No, no, I kid. My goofy "geese for all seasons" aunt made it.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

me and my shadow

There comes a time in everyone's life when they must...nap. My solar pumpkin and I came home from work on Saturday morning and our asses were dragging. (If a pumpkin has an ass.) We went to bed around 10 a.m., all snuggled beneath the covers, spooning. When I awoke, naturally, he was gone. At first, I thought maybe he got up to get a bite to eat. But then I realized he'd been kidnapped once again. Sigh. I'm like, "Screw it! I'm not even going to look for that damn pumpkin. It will turn up eventually." Oh, it turned up alright. When I lifted the lid of the toilet to pee and....

Here's a calendar.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

everybody's working for the weekend

Last night at work I received this urgent call, "MOM! I don't want to upset you, but your solar pumpkin is missing! We went out on the porch to kidna--I mean, make sure it was OK, and it's GONE!"
Me: "No kidding. I brought it to work with me."
Male Offspring #3: "Mom, you're pathetic!"
Me: "Pathetic, indeed. BUT STILL IN POSSESSION OF MY BELOVED PUMPKIN!!! BTW, you "don't want to upset me"? Puhleeze, you clowns LIVE to upset me."

Funniest moment of last night's season premiere of "Men in Trees" was when John Amos began to sing "Close to You" incredibly off key.

I think God did a fantastic job creating our bodies, but I have a teensy weensy suggestion for when we destroy ourselves through stupidity, and He decides to create another race of hopefully, more intelligent folks. You know how a car has one of those "check engine" lights when there's a problem? We need one of those on our foreheads. Here's why: say you go to the health food store and you're dying for something chocolate with NO sugar. Brownies, for instance. The clerk says to you, "I have these brownies and they're sweetened with erythritol," and you immediately say, "WHOA! That stuff's not like Malitol, is it?" And she says, "No, it doesn't have the laxative effect that malitol has." So you buy some and you eat say...oh, I don't know...about TEN of them in one day. Round about 11:30 at night you suddenly realize you have enough gas to light up a small city the size of......TOKYO. IF we had "check engine" lights, we would know long before we gnoshed on that tenth brownie that big trouble was a brewin', and we wouldn't have to spend a miserable night tossing, turning and tooting. My gf thought the "check engine" light was a good idea so that she knows when her period is coming. I don't have to worry about that, my husband lets me know. Course according to him, it's coming just about every week.

Friday, October 12, 2007

i wanna soak up the sun i wanna tell everyone to lighten up

Feel better, Mushy!

Guess what I bought for myself this morning when I went shopping? Jeans? Nope. Sexy underwear to impress Mr. G? Nope. A new car? Nope. Candy? Now you know I'm not eating that. Geez, you people are LOUSY at guessing. Hmmm, ok, how about a digital camera? YES! And it's about damn time. Now when I go out to eat, I'm gonna take pics of my plate like FHB and Mushy. Of course, I'll eat most of the food first, then just leave enough to make it look like I'm a starving model. I don't want you all to know how much of an oinker I really am. I had hoped to take pics of the beautiful fall foliage, but there isn't any. Most of my trees are still green and the ones that aren't are crappy brown.

Gateway sent me an email touting their new "color notebooks." The colors are "slate grey" and "pacific blue." Way to think outside the box, Gateway! Hey, how about black for the next exciting new color?

Last week (or so...), I tossed a load of the kid's clothing into the dryer and I may or may not have forgotten all about it. No wonder they were all wearing togas to school this morning. Imagine my surprised when I opened the dryer and found THIS!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Stop screwing with my solar pumpkin!!
As my mother (and her mother before her) would say, "this is why we can't have nice things".

too lazy to come up with a title too

Thursday, October 11, 2007

person #2 who needs their email licensing abilities revoked

This sort of GARBAGE really cheeses me off. Notice the way it starts out with the thinly veiled, guilt laden"if you have time for God" comment? Must have been written by a Catholic, said the former Catholic. I would love to know how sending an email to ten people makes you a better person? How about spending that time helping someone? Or doing a random act of kindness? Or saying a quiet prayer for someone instead of showing off sending "look at me! I believe in God! Aren't I great?" emails.
BTW, love the last line suggesting you send it to everyone you know. Way to piss off your entire contact list.

Read only if you have time for God
Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end

God, when I received this e-mail, I thought...
I don't have time for this... And, this is really inappropriate during work.

Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is.... Exactly, what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.

We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...

Maybe, Sunday night...

And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.

We do like to have Him around during sickness...

And, of course, at funerals.

However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...

Because.. That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and should, handle on our own.

May God forgive me for ever thinking...

That... there is a time or place where..

HE is not to be FIRST in my life.

We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.

If, You aren't ashamed to do this...

Please follow the directions.

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed?

Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

Yes, I do Love God.

HE is my source of existence and Savior.

He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

This is the simplest test.

If You Love God... And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous things HE has done for you...

Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!

Now do you have the time to pass it on?

Make sure that you scroll through to the end. & lt; BR>
Easy vs. Hard

Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?

Why are we so sleepy in church but Righ t when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?

Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?

Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one....

There are no costs, but wonderful rewards... GOD BLESS!

Notes: Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "bel ieves" in God).

Isn 't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they belie v e, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address book, they will be blessed by God in a way special for them.

plenty of sunshine coming my way

Let's start the day off right with a good masturbation story.
Ya just gotta love a guy who can drive and jack off at the same time!

Lynn Cheney on the Daily Show: "We will look back on this period of time, we will say on 9-11, we really thought
we'd be attacked again in six weeks or six months. And we were not. And I think my husband and the President
should get some credit for that." Cut to the audience and *insert the sound of crickets chirping here*
Not ONE person clapped. I rolled my eyes so many times during her interview, I was afraid they'd get stuck.
Jon looked SO uncomfortable interviewing the Vice President's wife. It's like he wanted to nail her, but he was trying to be a gentleman.
He said it best when he said that she wasn't her husband and he shouldn't hold her accountable for (the) Big Dick's decisions.

School picture day is coming up Monday, and I must say, I have no fears about it.
About four years ago, Male Offspring #4 thought he'd be cute and the instant the photographer snapped the pic, he jammed his finger up his nose.
Well, I BOUGHT that picture, had it blown up to a 16' size and slapped it on the living room wall, but I didn't stop there.
I gave his grandparents the 8x10's and made them hang them up.
(Although my mother would take it down the instant we left the house, and replace Male Offspring #4's photo
with a picture of a puppy wearing a Pittsburgh Pirate's baseball hat. Oddly, no one seemed to notice the difference.)
Since the pictures traditionally arrive right before Christmas, I stuck his picture in every card I sent out.
Yes, even the one to our Priest and our mailman. I asked people to say, "How's that whole nose picking thing working out for ya?" when they saw him.
They've been angels for the photographer ever since.

I was reading an article in the paper about colleges cracking down on credit card companies. They accused cc companies of pandering
to the teens who can ill afford high credit bills by offering them free t shirts and free food.
Sadly, I know they could easily lure Mr. G into signing up for a cc using either one of those offers, and he's hardly a teen.

You know how kids hold their pee when they're playing until they're practically limping down
the hall to the bathroom, relieving themselves just seconds before their bladder bursts?
I had to pee this morning and I was working on the computer. You know how time flies when
screaming in all caps on a forum?
Well, all of a sudden, I realized that if I didn't hotfoot it up to the bathroom, I was going to be in trouble.
I raced past the phone and OF COURSE, it rang. It was Mr. G.
I said, "I can't talk now!" and I hung up.
He called back ten minutes later and said, "What's going on?"
Me: "Nothing. I had to pee, and I did. End of story."
Mr. G: "Don't do that to me again! I thought something bad happened."
Me: "Well, it would have it I had taken the time to talk to you..."

Mr. G's mother has been moved to a nice intermediate care home just a minute from
where he works and about two minutes from where she used to live. It's also about five minutes from where his sister lives.
Mission accomplished.
Thank God.
They're not going to take her house, but they are talking all her income, plus about $30 a month.
Hopefully, we'll have enough to pay for taxes and her scripts for awhile. She only has a couple thou in the bank.
The great thing is that she knows some of the women living there since they're from the same community.
I said to Mr. G, "Ok I have dibs on two weeks."
Mr. G: "For what?"
Me: "That's how long it will take her to complain that the "old ladies are getting on her nerves."
Then I asked him the all important question, "Any rich old dudes on life support that she can marry?" He said there was one sleeping in front of the tv, so I'll have to go check him out. See if he's potential (rich) F-I-L material.

My boss has a doctor's appointment today. When she came back, I said, "How was your visit?"
And she said, "It was fine. I had the colored doctor and he was really nice.........even if he was colored."

and that's the honest truth, Officer

Readers tell AOL Autos how they avoided getting a traffic ticket from a police officer.

This is not a warning -- submitted by MaurDrisc

I was pulled over in a residential L.A. neighborhood for an illegal left turn. The officer asked me if I knew what I'd done. I said yes, that I'd made an illegal left turn, knowing it was illegal and that I'd done the same thing the day before, but only realized I'd made an illegal turn as I did it.

The officer asked if I realized I was admitting to having done the illegal turn twice. I said yes. He said they weren't giving out warnings; they were ticketing people. I said I realized that and knew I deserved the ticket. He reiterated the point about not giving out warnings. I said I understood. He stared at me for a long time, and then told me no one ever tells them the truth. And because of that he was giving me a warning.

I then burst into tears, thanking him because I really, really couldn't afford a ticket (which I couldn't). I think he was, perhaps, on the verge of having me committed to the nearest mental hospital, but happily I just got to drive away.

Show Some Respect -- submitted by CCCCINTI

When I was younger I was hot headed and got tickets. Now I am very cool and calm and it's "yes officer", "no officer". "I am sorry officer". If you see the police, slow down show some respect. That works. Yes I do drive "better" but no more tickets.

Tell all -- submitted by RGLGINC

I pulled up to a Y type intersection that had a stop sign. There was a car coming at a turtle's pace, so instead of coming to a complete stop, I did a rolling stop. Then 1/2 a mile ahead the light turned yellow so I sped up. As I am cruising at about 10 miles over the speed limit, under the yellow light, I looked in the rear-view mirror and of course there was a motorcycle cop right behind me. I politely pulled over and began to laugh, I was SO busted! So, as I roll down the window I am giggling. He looks at me funny and asks, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" I ask him, "was it for running the stop sign, speeding or running that yellow light?"

He tells me he appreciates my honesty and that he gets tired of people making stupid excuses. Then he asks for my registration and license ... but guess what? I didn't have my license. So instead of writing a ticket for all the other things, he writes me a ticket for not having my driver's license, which just calls for me to go to the payment office and show them my driver's license. So, for all the people with dumb excuses ... it pays to be honest and you may gain respect for doing so.

Have faith -- submitted by EdwrVnCtt

I had my drivers' license just 4 days. I was driving a colleague's car registered in one state and my license was from another state. The officer said I went over the center line and thought I had been drinking. (I was not) He had me step out of the car to see if I was sober. I walk with a limp from birth. When he said, "you aren't walking very straight," I replied without wanting to be a wise guy, "I always walk like this." I was dressed in civilian clothes, but the picture on my license showed me wearing a clergy collar. I was in the seminary at the time. He asked, "Are you a priest?" Rather than explain the details of the steps to the priesthood, I simply said, "yeah." He said, "Please get back in your car, you probably have to say Mass this morning." (It was Sunday morning.) No ticket, no problem. I thanked him and was on my way.

From bad to worse -- submitted by Pamelakins

I had experienced an unusually terrible day. This is how it all started. I got off from work and went to my barn to feed my horse. I had a co-worker with me who had mentioned that I needed to wash off my windshield before leaving the barn. After feeding, I moved my truck closer to the barn. I had kept my door open while moving my vehicle. The doors lock automatically when the truck is started. I turned on my wipers and got out shutting the door behind me (the truck was still running with the keys in it!) I made several phone calls and finally managed to get the door open with a piece of wire.

I left the barn taking a friends daughter home. After dropping her off I stated to my co-worker that I should call my husband and let him know that I got the door open. That is when I realized that I had set my cell phone on top of the truck while attempting to unlock the door. It was already dark outside but we back-tracked and amazingly, found my phone on the side of the road unharmed!

It was a few miles down the road when my co-worker warned me that the police in the city we were driving through would stop you for even 5 miles over the limit. I told her I wasn't worried that I traveled through there all the time. Just then, a cop rounded the corner ahead of me and clocked me doing 60 mph in a 30 mph zone. Boy, was I going to be in trouble! The officer approached me and asked me for the usual license and insurance proof. I politely told him that I would be happy to show him my insurance but that I couldn't let him see my license. Of course he asked why and I told him that it had accidentally been put through the shredder at work and I had not gotten it replaced yet (what I didn't tell him was that it happened 11 months earlier). I then went on to tell him what a terrible evening I had just been through. I then told him I was going to do something I had never done before in my life ... beg for his mercy! Grinning from ear to ear and shaking his head, he told me to slow down and have a good evening! Talk about lucky!

Speeding in Tucson -- submitted by Umnst04

I was driving on 'Columbus' Rd. in Tucson one nice morning. I was late for work (as usual) and I was speeding -- 57 in a 35 mile an hour zone!! A motorcycle officer stopped me. "Yikes, great, now I'll really be late!" I thought, "How can I get out of this?" I'm not so great looking, a bit over weight, a large, Italian nose. However, he was great looking!

Oh well I thought. I'm also broke and now facing at least a $90 ticket.

He looked in the window, asked for my license and insurance etc. He looked a tad familiar too.

He looked at me again and said, "You are the manager of the 'Columbus' Townhomes where I live." "If you would please put the Jacuzzi temperature up to 104 degrees I won't give you a ticket." Well, I certainly obliged and I was only five minutes late for work.

That night after his shift, sure enough he was in the Jacuzzi, looking so relaxed.

Remember I said he looked a tad familiar? I suppose I didn't recognize him with his police uniform on!

Online encounter -- submitted by Nexusrider

I was heading down the road about 15 miles over the speed limit and I saw the flashing lights behind me. I knew I better have a good story or I would be paying a big fine. So, the officer asked for my license and insurance and stuff and I was thinking like crazy. He made his first mistake when he asked me why I was going so fast instead of just writing me up. I looked at him kind of embarrassed and said, "Well I was online talking to this gal, and she told me she was sitting there drinking wine and wearing something black and sexy and if I could be there in 20 minutes I could do anything I wanted with her." He handed me back my stuff and grinned and said, "Have fun ... just slow it down."

Flying low --submitted by Waymill

A few years ago I was pulled over for speeding. The officer got out of his car and came up to my window and asked to see my pilot's license (since I was flying). I happened to have a private pilots license so I pulled it out gave it to the officer. He let me go and told me to slow down.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

some people should NOT be permitted to have email

and others just need to be dragged out and shot.

I figure if I paste this stupidity here, I can reach MORE than 6 of my close personal friends and I'll become SUPER rich!!

Lordy, I hate this sort of crap email.

This is a money angel...Pass it to 6 of your good friends or family and be richer in 4 Days.
Pass it to 12 of your good friends or family and be richer in 2 Days.
I am not joking. You will find an unexpected windfall.

little bunny foo foo

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

another Chinese toy recall alert!!

Ooh, shit, I have one of these at home. The offspring play on it all the time. It's gonna break their little hearts to send it back. But it will save me on band-aids.

Thanks, Kari!

change is a good thing

Female Offspring #1 sent me the following story, along with the words, "Pittsburgh Pride, Baby!" I emailed her back and said, "Frankly I'm surprised she didn't give him the change..."

well that's news to me

This is cool! Click on the link and get a steady stream of pictures that people are uploading to their Blogger page.

Wow. Wouldn't this stick in your craw? A man gets a giant tattoo of his wife's face on his back, only to find out she's having an affair. Hmm, he should have gotten that tat placed a little lower. Across both cheeks, perhaps.

I saw a promo for Monday's Dr. Phil show and it was about married couples who needed counseling. One guy was a cop and Dr. Phil said he kissed a woman after giving her a citation. I think that would certainly take the sting out of getting a ticket, and I think more officers ought to try that. I'm certainly open to giving it a try...

A Pittsburgh woman is suing K Mart because they charged her tax on toilet paper. They overcharged her a total of 56 cents. She is suing for $100 and court costs. How do you figure that 56 cents = $100? Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't sue for an extra $1000 for "pain and suffering". What an ass. Take this up with the K Mart Corporation, don't clog up the legal system even more.

It's bad enough the costs of gas and food are outrageous, now the price of cocaine is on the rise. The average price of a gram rose 24%. Good grief. What's an addict to do? Hmm, we need some sort of gub'ment assistance program for this. Cocaine stamps, perhaps?

I read in the paper that a woman in New Yawk tried to sell her baby for $25k. I had no idea kids were going for that much these days. With 16 offspring, I am sitting on a veritable gold mine! Course that was a newborn. I guess ya get more for those because they don't have any bad habits yet. On the downside, though, they're not housebroken when ya get them that young either.

And did you read about the man in Boston who won the wife carrying contest? They competed against 40 couples on a 278 yard course. He wins his wife's weight in beer--a cruel irony, huh?--and five times her weight in cash. Mr. G and I entered a wife carrying contest once. We made it about three inches before he collapsed. Personally I blame him. Him and his damn skinny legs.

Becky tagged me for a meme, and I did not forget!

another message to the juvenile deliquents who stole my solar pumpkin!!!

Catch my drift, punks? Well, do ya?!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

georgia on my mind

My mother recently discovered the joys of shopping in bulk. Unfortunately. She dropped off 10 cases of canned crushed tomatoes. I'm like, 'What am I supposed to do with all these tomatoes?!"
She said, "I don't know, but they were such a good deal I couldn't pass them up."
I said, "Yeah, I think ya could have."
Hmm, now I'm thinking mini-Bibles and an 18 oz can of crushed tomatoes for Hallloween. Whadda think? Sounds like a hell of a memorable "treat" to me. And it still beats the old lady who gives out pencils every year.

Top Ten Reasons I’m Glad South Cruelly Canceled My Much Needed Vacation:

1. I won’t have to deal with all the non-English speaking people in Georgia, otherwise known as Southerners.
2. I won’t miss the 24 hour “Leave it to Beave-a-Thon” on TV Land or the myriad of “Britney is spiraling out of control” shows on FOX News. Leave Britney alone! Leave Beaver alone, too!
3. I won’t have to deal with the humiliation of South’s neighbors laughing at me like they did last year when I pointed to their t shirts and asked them if “NASCAR” was a new Indie band. Who knew?!
4. I won’t have to deal with the guilt of killing South’s new cat.
5. I’ll have more time to watch his videos and LMAO at South’s “acting” skills.
6. I’ll have more time to get revenge by posting kitty cat clip art on his manly man site.
7. I’ll have more time to jill off to my Hott Cops pics.
8. I’ll have more time to flirt with the new 83 year old greeter at WalMart. He’s quite the catch! He’s already on oxygen. And he’s got his own motorized Scooter!
9. I’ll have more time to develop a personal relationship with Jesus. Or Satan. Whichever requires the least amount of work on my part.
10. I have more time to work on my bid for that coveted “Mother of the Year” award.

Ok, it’s time for me to give the kid’s their evening snack of animal crackers and whiskey. Later.